Ho-Hum and the Alien Visitation
A Hyperdimension Neptunia Fan Fiction
by Derald Snyder
Chapter 37- Pressers and Food Fights
*Outside Planeptune Basilicom*
"Hey, what time is it?"
"1:25 PM or so..."
"What's taking them so long?! This presser was supposed to start at 1 PM sharp!"
"These things never start on time, you know that... oh wait, here they come!"
"About time!"
The crowd of reporters and cameramen watched as Nepgear, Histoire, Neon Evangelion and Princess Asseylum walked up to the microphones, Nepgear and Neon clothed in modest formal dresses. "Hello, everyone," Nepgear greeted. "Neptune is still away on important business, but she'll be back soon enough. Anyway, I wanted to talk with you today about the recent battle in this city involving two giant robot mechas, and my Nepgeardam 2.0. Basically, the battle started when one of the Deucalion's- that is, the alien ship's- mechas was remotely hijacked, most likely by the House of Humiliation, while Neptune and I were dealing with a minor incident in Lastation in Noire's stead. The other mecha flew to intercept the hijacked mecha before it could devastate the city, and thanks to help from the aliens, we were able to warp the mechas out of the city and limit damage to the infrastructure, as well as civilian casualties."
"Unfortunately, the one mecha was destroyed by the hijacked robot, necessitating the alien goddess Haruhi warping my Nepgeardam 2.0 over from Leanbox in order to stop it for good, which we did. As a result, the Deucalion has returned to low orbit above Gamindustri for the time being, in order to preclude any further hijacking attempts by the House of Humiliation. And now, I'll let Princess Asseylum of Vers explain further." With that, Nepgear stepped back, Asseylum coming up to the microphone.
"Ahem... greetings, denizens of Planeptune. I am Princess Asseylum Aldnoah Zero of the Vers Empire, hailing from the Animenga Star Cluster. I'm sure many of you have seen the broadcast of our arrival here, and I assure you that we have come in peace. When Ma'nabatea- that is, Lady Haruhi- informed us of the satellite they had found, we traced it's flight path back to this world, and I determined that we should try and establish diplomatic ties with the rulers here," she nodded toward Nepgear.
"However, my father- the Vers Emperor- was extremely concerned about my taking such a risky and dangerous expedition, so it was determined that Lady Haruhi's Oracle, who is standing behind me," she gestured towards Neon, "would travel to this world first to determine what the civilization was like, and if it was safe to travel here, with Lady Haruhi herself following not long after. However, after no contact for a week, I made the decision to go forward with the expedition, though the emperor insisted on a military escort, thus it was determined that the battlecruiser Deucalion would be used for the expedition, along with two giant robot mechas, whose pilots I trust unconditionally. I feel I must stress, we have only come to establish diplomatic ties, we are not here to conquer. And I made that clear to my father, who has acquiesced to my wishes. And I apologize from the bottom of my heart for the damage this battle has done to your magnificent city... this was never our intent for something like this to happen."
"That being said," Nepgear stepped forward again, "we do have a possible suspect in the hijacking incident. Histoire, if you would please." Histoire nodded, fiddling with some holographic controls, bringing up a 2D hologram of a certain Mad Magician's face. "This is MAGES., also known as the Mad Magician. She is the younger cousin of 5pb., the famous Leanbox musician. She has extensive knowledge not only of magic, but of technology as well. As to why we suspect her, I'll let Princess Asseylum explain."
"Thank you," Asseylum acknowledged, before beginning, "You see, it turns out that Mages- sorry, I mean, MAGES. had come to the Vers Empire a few months prior to the satellite interception via transporter accident, though we did not realize she came from this world until recently. During her stay, she became quite familiar with our technology, and in fact helped make vast improvements to our own transport capabilities, which was instrumental in allowing our ship to make the journey here to Gamindustri. However, we failed to anticipate that she would use this knowledge of our technology against us when we arrived here proper... while I can't speak to her motivations, the fact she is not entirely mentally stable, as least from my experience, might have played a factor in her decision to hijack one of our mechas."
"Anyway, if you have any information about MAGES.' current whereabouts, we encourage you to contact the Basilicom, or the Basilicoms in the other nations immediately," Nepgear instructed. "I feel the need to stress, she is unpredictable and extremely dangerous with her knowledge of magic. I should know, because I've worked with her in the past, during the incident with Rei Ryghts and the Ultradimension. And now, we'll take some questions."
"How do you know that MAGES. is working for the House of Humiliation?" a reporter asked. "Isn't it possible that she was acting on her own?"
"Well, we don't know for certain, but the fact that hijacking occurred while Neptune and I were away is quite suspicious," Nepgear answered. "And the incident that Neptune and I were dealing with in Lastation was definitely Ho-Hum's doing."
"Why not let Lady Noire handle incidents in Lastation?"
"We suspected it was a trap for Noire," Nepgear expounded, "so Neptune and I went instead to catch Underling and Warechu off-guard. For what it's worth, it worked, though those two criminals are still at large..."
"Doesn't your repeated failure to capture any of these terrorists reflect badly on you goddesses?" another reporter asked pointedly.
"That's not true," Nepgear replied firmly. "We've already captured two of their operatives, one is in custody in Leanbox, and the other is cooperating with us. That's how we found out where their initial base of operations was, though it seems their leader anticipated this turn of events and abandoned the base."
"Who is the leader?" a different reporter jumped in.
"We don't know his identity, but he calls himself by the moniker 'Overlord Momus'..." A chorus of groans arose from the crowd. "I know, Neptune had the same reaction. Anyway, according to forensic analysis of the video he left for us in the abandoned base, which was just provided to us by Lowee law enforcement, Momus is either male or a flat-chested female with a slight build, measuring just under 5 feet in height. He wears small horns on his head and a mask with a large single orange eye with a slit pupil. Just to reiterate, the eye is fake, he likely wears it to appear more intimidating. Again, if anyone has any information, please contact the Basilicom immediately..."
"What about the giant robots' pilots?"
"I'll take this one," Asseylum stepped forward again. "G Gundam is the pilot of the mecha that was remotely hijacked, and she was quite distraught that it was used to wreak havoc in this city. As for the other pilot, Wing Gundam, his robot was badly damaged and rendered inoperable, though he was able to eject and escape without injury. He is currently undergoing medical evaluation on board Deucalion as we speak, while G Gundam has elected to remain on the surface with me and my retainers for the time being."
"Your Highness, while I'm sure you love your father very much and vice versa," another reporter began, "are you certain that he isn't using this expedition as a pretext for conquest?"
Asseylum's brow furrowed at this. "I assure you, my father has never deceived me in a such a manner, and I highly doubt that he would do so now. The enemies that you should be worried about at the moment are the terrorists of this House of Humiliation!"
"I have a question for the alien Oracle," a reporter spoke up. "How come your goddess is not here to talk with us today? Is there a reason for that?"
Neon stepped up to the microphone, adjusting it slightly before replying, "To be blunt, milady has only just gained knowledge of your native language, and feared that she would say something that would be misinterpreted. It has happened before... however, I am more careful in my choice of words, and am not prone to such misstatements."
"If the House of Humiliation's stated goal is to harass the CPUs, then why would they target you and your fellow aliens?"
"Most likely, they see us as a threat to their plans," Neon answered, "which may also explain why they recruited MAGES., as she has knowledge of our technology and culture. Also, they may not believe that we truly come in peace, as some of you have postulated, though that could not be further from the truth. While I cannot speak for the Vers Emperor, I assure you that neither I or Lady Haruhi have malevolent intentions..."
Nepgear glanced over at Histoire, who was making a slashing motion across her throat. "Well, that's all for today, everyone! We'll keep you informed on any developments in this conflict! Goodbye for now!" With that, the group retreated into the Basilicom, ignoring several other shouted questions by the reporters.
*Meanwhile, in rural Lastation...*
The NPC truck driver hummed to himself as he drove down the country road, his refrigerated truck filled with foodstuffs discarded by local restaurants... he was glad to have a job that entailed doing good for the community, distributing food to the local homeless shelters and soup kitchens...
Just then, something caught his eye, seeing a large rodent in the middle of the road! Immediately he braked and swerved to avoid the critter, only for his truck to hit something else and come to a dead stop, the back end lifting up slightly from inertia! "What the-?!" the driver gasped, seeing a muscleman with a Dogoo's head holding his truck in place...
Then the driver's side door opened, Underling confronting the man with a large handgun, a bandanna masking her face! "Freeze! This is a hold up! Keep your hands where I can see 'em!"
"I-I don't have any money!" the driver cried in panic.
"We don't want your money! Put the truck in park!" The NPC did as ordered, only to be grabbed and roughly tossed out of the truck, tumbling over the asphalt! "Warechu, Dogoo Man, get in!"
"Okay!" "Right-chu!" The two co-criminals obeyed, getting in the cab and buckling up!
"Wait a minute!" the driver protested. "That food's for the homeless!"
"Well, they're going hungry today then!" Linda proclaimed, punctuating her statement with an evil laugh as she drove off, leaving the NPC stranded on the street...
*Lastation City Streets*
"Alright, keep your eyes peeled for large gatherings of people!" Linda instructed as she drove the food truck through the streets.
"There's a food joint with an outdoor patio, chu!" Warechu pointed. "And it looks really busy!"
"Alright, that'll work," Underling nodded, pulling the truck up next to said patio and parking. "Okay, Dogoo Man, you go first and open the back!"
"Right!" Dogoo Man nodded, exiting the cab, attracting a few curious glances from the customers as he went to the back and lifted the latch, the right back door swinging open. Climbing inside, he noted, "Oh yeah, there's a lot of ammo in here!"
"Warechu, you go first with whatever you can carry!" Underling said as she and Warechu got out and snuck around the other side. "Dogoo Man goes next, and I'll follow!"
"Got it, chu!" Warechu nodded, quickly scampering into the back of the truck... "Okay, this'll work!" Coming out with an orange, he threw it toward the patio, which bounced into a patron's soup, splashing it everywhere!
"Hey! What's the big idea?!" the NPC turned toward the truck in irritation.
"Free food!" Dogoo Man cried, throwing an aluminum tray full of pasta which splattered over several more customers!
"Courtesy of the House of Humiliation!" Linda proclaimed as she came into view, throwing another tray of food, causing people to scream and scatter as more and more food splattered over the patio, making a giant mess!
Unfortunately for the villains, one of the patrons happened to be an off-duty police officer, who unholstered his gun as soon as he cleared the line of food fire! "Freeze! Police!"
"It's a cop, chu!" Warechu cried in panic.
"Aw, crap!" Linda growled as she pulled her own gun, firing and striking the man in the leg, causing him to fall over in pain!
"You shot a policeman!" Dogoo Man cried in dismay.
"He'll live!" Underling retorted. "Time to abort mission! Let's get out of here!" The trio got back in the truck and peeled rubber, more food spilling out of the still-open back!
"Argh!" the off-duty cop groaned in pain as he pulled out his cell phone... "Hello? Officer needs assistance! I've been shot! The perps are are fleeing in a 'Hidden Food Harvest' truck...! A woman, a mouse, and a man with a Dogoo head...!"
*A short while later...*
"A food fight? Seriously?" Noire sighed as she looked over the crime scene. "We must have Ho-Hum on the back heel if they're resorting to petty plots like this..."
"It doesn't change the fact that one of our fellow officers was shot," the policeman next to her stated. "One of the perps, most likely Underling, had what appeared to be a modified Berreta 93R..."
"A Berretta 93R?!" Noire gasped. "That's the exact model of hand cannon that was stolen from Uni's gun vault! She's not gonna be happy about it being used to shoot a cop, even if it was in the leg...!"
"Lady Noire!" another officer ran up. "We found the stolen food truck abandoned a few miles away! Forensics is checking it over for evidence now..."
"Right, but we'll have to assume those guys are long gone by now," Noire said. "Contact the Hidden Food Harvest company and tell them to be on the lookout for more food truck hijackings!"
"At once, Lady Noire!"
*Elsewhere...*
"Yeah, so we had to vamoose when a cop showed up, but we still made quite a mess!" Linda said over the radio link.
"He wasn't wearing cop clothes!" Dogoo Man appended.
"An off-duty cop, then," Momus' voice responded. "Well, we'll just chalk that up to bad luck... Withdraw from Lastation for now, and head down to Leanbox..."
"I'm guessing that means you don't have the heat working at our base yet?" Linda deadpanned.
"Some parts need to be replaced," Momus confirmed. "I'm sending Generic Thief #11 to steal what we need from the nearest hardware store... But for now, you have your orders. Same as before."
"Roger that," Linda acknowledged, killing the radio link. "Let's go! Off to Leanbox!"
"Okay!" Warechu and Dogoo Man agreed.
*To be continued...*