Ho-Hum and the Alien Visitation

A Hyperdimension Neptunia Fan Fiction

by Derald Snyder

Chapter 55- Momus Unmasked

*Ho-Hum W-2 Base, Inner Sanctum*

The door dented, bent outward, then was finally bashed off its hinges, White Heart promptly floating through, the other CPUs and Candidates following suit, IF and Haruhi bringing up the rear. In the center of the room stood Overlord Momus with his arms crossed, Linda and Warechu on his right and left respectively, the former in a combat stance. "So, you have finally come," Momus spoke. "It seems I made the right decision recruiting MAGES., as she gave you a tougher fight than any of my other subordinates..."

"It's over, Momus," Black Heart declared. "The House of Humiliation is finished!"

"You may very well be correct," Momus conceded. "However, in the end, I achieved my goal... no longer are you complacent fools lazing about in your Basilicoms, waiting to be blindsided by the next major enemy that appears! At first, I feared it might be the aliens, but thankfully my concerns were unfounded, at least for the time being."

"So, your goal was to ensure we hadn't regressed to Level 1 by the time the next game gets produced, then," Green Heart summarized.

"Precisely," Momus nodded. "But, tell me... haven't you wondered who it could be, that could cause you so much strife? Who this mysterious mastermind really is..."

"No, not really," Purple Heart suddenly cut him off. "I know exactly who you are, 'Overlord Momus'. In fact, I've suspected it for a while, but only recently got confirmation."

Momus stopped cold at hearing this. "Wh... what?! You- you're bluffing! There's no way you could...!"

"Wait, you know who he is?!" Black Heart turned to look at her fellow CPU.

"Seriously? Even I don't know that!" Nepgear said incredulously.

"It's quite simple, really," Purple Heart smirked. "It was obvious from the outset that this person had many connections from all over Gamindustri... and had the ability to spy on our conference calls, even before MAGES. joined. This indicates someone who is proficient in intelligence gathering. But to know all our weaknesses and how to exploit them, means it must be somebody we all interact with on at least a semi-regular basis."

"You mean, it's someone we know?!" Green Heart gasped.

"Yes. Someone we all know... someone who has been our ally for a long time, even from the very first game in the series," Neptune nodded. "Isn't that right... Iffy?"

You could have heard a pin drop in the room. "EHHHHHH?!" the others cried in shock.

(Music- 'Announce The Truth 2013', Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney Dual Destinies)

"Wait a minute! What are you talking about, Nep?! I'm right here!" IF cried, jogging up to Neptune's side... only to freeze as the HDD CPU fixed her with a glare.

"You disappoint me, little Iffy," Neptune stated coldly. "Did you really think you could fool your adopted mother?"

"Huh?! Wait, you mean this is IF from the Ultradimension?!" Nepgear gasped.

"That's right. It was a clever ploy by our IF to avoid suspicion, by having her counterpart take her place. But you didn't know how to find the facial recognition software on the Guild's computer, even though you were a veteran agent..."

"I-I told you, the interface was updated...!" IF stammered.

"A lie. I spoke discreetly with some other Guild agents, they said the OS hadn't had any recent updates," Purple Heart stated.

"Oh, c-come on! Th-that doesn't prove anything!" IF said defiantly, though she was starting to sweat profusely.

"In that case..." Neptune suddenly smiled. "Perhaps you would like to eat some eggplant?!"

"UGGHHH! No way! I hate that stuff!" IF did a full-body cringe.

"That's it!" Purple Sister cried. "The IF from the Ultradimension was traumatized by Arfoire force-feeding her tons of eggplants! Our IF never went through such a horrid experience!"

"Son of a bitch," White Heart muttered. "That's something only Neptune and Nepgear would know, since they helped raise her!"

"GAHH!" IF grimaced. "OK OK, you got me! I'm your adopted daughter! I confess! Please don't make me eat eggplant, Nep-ko!"

Purple Heart nodded. "That's better. And I could never make you eat something I myself loathe."

"HOLD IT!" Momus suddenly shouted. "Just because she's the IF from the other dimension doesn't mean I'm the one from here!"

"Yeah, that's right!" Underling nodded vigorously. "'Cause that would mean I've been working for my sworn enemy this whole time!"

"Oh, Underling..." Purple Heart turned back to face her old foe. "You never wondered how the warden assigned to watch over you was so easily bribed? I looked into his background, it turns out he was actually a retired Guild agent himself, one of Iffy's mentors, in fact. That was the reason he let you go, because Iffy asked him politely. The retro game was just cover!"

Underling went white as a sheet upon hearing this. "No... impossible..."

"That's also how Tenten escaped from jail with so little fuss," Neptune continued. "IF used her intelligence connections to recruit Tenten for a 'secret mission'! That's also how she got the Leanbox Army to cover for Adrian's absence!"

"My goodness! That makes perfect sense!" Green Heart comprehended.

"Th-that proves nothing! It's all circumstantial!" Momus objected, starting to sweat under his mask.

"Perhaps," Purple Heart ceded, "but you made one fatal mistake, Momus... when you had Tenten Ryghts steal my secret pudding stash!"

"Wait, you mean your taking her aside was...?" Black Heart's eyes widened in realization.

"Exactly. This is what I asked her:"

("I just want to know one thing. How did you know where my pudding stash was hidden? Did you stumble on it by luck, or did someone tell you?")

(I-it was... Overlord Momus said I sh-should t-try looking in th-that s-spot, th-that I might f-find something interesting...!")

("Thank you. That's all I needed to know.")

(Music- 'Pursuit- Cross Examination', Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney Trials and Tribulations)

"Urrrghh..." Overlord Momus was now grasping the horns of his mask in heightened anxiety.

"That's right!" Nepgear realized. "Nobody knew where it was! Not even Histoire knew!"

"Precisely. There was one, and only one person I ever told where it was... the only one I felt I could trust implicitly with the secret... and that was you, IF." Neptune stated with a glare. "We pinkie-swore on it, remember? And yet you betrayed my trust! Don't you remember what I said would happen if you broke your promise? That you would eat eggplant all day, everyday for at least a week!"

"Noooo! That's a fate worse than death!" Ultra IF wailed. "What were you thinking, other me?! Take off that mask and confess, and maybe Nep-ko will show you mercy!"

"nnnnnnNNNNNNNNAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!" Momus cried as he pulled at the horns of his mask, said mask beginning to split from the top, revealing brown hair...

The split widened, revealing a leafy bow...

... until finally, the mask tore completely off her head, revealing IF's familiar facial features, her hair having been cut short to fit inside the mask! "No, no, no! I had this ultra-cool reveal all planned out, and you saw right through me?! You ruined everything, Nep! This is the worst anti-climax ever!"

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Linda cried in horror and disbelief. "Lies, LIES! It was all a lie, all of it, from the beginning! To think you of all people pulled one over on me! ARRRGGGHHH!" She tried to flee, only for Haruhi to suddenly appear and clock her in the face, sending her to the floor!

"I know I said I wouldn't interfere, but she seemed like the kind of person that always escapes at the end, so..." Haruhi promptly pinned Underling to the ground, cuffing her wrists and ankles.

"Good thinking, Haruhi," Blanc muttered under breath. "From what Rei told me, it took freaking Segata Sanshiro to stop her escape last time..."

"I remember all too well," Neptune nodded.

"W-w-what about me, chu?!" Warechu squeaked, quaking in fear.

"I think we can just send you back to Chuuko, and have her scold you for going evil again," Purple Sister suggested. "Not to put you down, but you're really not much of a threat by yourself..."

"Ugh... Yeah, you're right, I'm a pretty pathetic rat, chu..." Warechu bowed his head in surrender.

(Music- 'Reminisce- Classroom Trial', Phoenix Wright, Ace Attorney)

As for Hyper IF, the gravity of what she had done finally seemed to crash down on her, the former mastermind collapsing to her hands and knees as tears began to roll down her cheeks... "Shit... it's because of me that Demon Lord escaped and became a threat again... how could I have been so stupid?! I should've known better than to put her in charge of the airship hijacking...!" Her body was wracked with loud sobs...

Feeling her heart twist at her friend's condition, Purple Heart kneeled down in front of IF, gently raising her head up to look her in the eye... "Iffy... just tell me, what drove you to do this? Why would you go so far to begin with...?"

"Because... (hic) b-because... the Guild had j-just busted up a major crime operation, b-but the ringleader had acquired some power that almost p-put him on the level of a CPU... we only barely managed t-to beat him... A-and I thought about you lazing around, only doing the occasional Quest... and the others seemed to be d-doing the same... a-and I thought about when you went to face CFW Magic, the t-tragedy th-that resulted... when all of us save you were struggling against Rei Ryghts, b-before you brought reinforcements... when you all were b-blindsided by the Gold Third..." IF sniffled. "I just... I just didn't want history to repeat itself again! That's all I wanted...!" She grabbed Neptune in a desperate embrace, sobbing into her shoulder...

"Oh, Iffy..." Purple Heart sighed as she returned the hug. "I see where this is going... you couldn't just tell me your concerns, because you saw Histy lecture me all the time about taking my CPU duties seriously, but it never seemed to take, right? That's why you decided to go to this extreme..."

"Iffy, while I can understand where you're coming from, you forgot one crucial thing," Green Heart spoke up. "The reason we're Level 1 when a new game starts isn't just because of our supposed laziness... it's a deliberate decision by the developers! After all, if we just steamrolled everything in the game, the players wouldn't get much enjoyment out of it! There has to be at least some level of challenge! Although I know there are those who only play the game to see our interactions as characters, but still..."

"Gee, way to make your point by going full meta on us, Vert," White Heart deadpanned.

"She's not exactly wrong, though," Black Heart pointed out. "Even hopeless boss fights are meant to advance the game's narrative, even if some see it as a cheap cop-out..."

"That doesn't making losing them suck any less, though!" White Sister Pink complained.

"Nobody likes cheaters," White Sister Blue nodded. "Case in point..." she gestured to the restrained Underling. "Although, even she has her fans..."

"By the way, that bride of Frankenstein you sicced on us, was she a Guild agent?" Black Sister inquired.

"...Yes," IF admitted. "But she came from a small auxiliary branch of the Guild, so I knew Nep wouldn't recognize her..."

"That's why she charged at me first!" Ultra IF realized. "She didn't want me to give away the con!"

"Sorry, that was her own choice," Hyper IF sighed. "I never ordered her to do that... heck, I wasn't expecting to see you here, even... but I guess Nep had my number long before now."

"Make no mistake, Iffy, you're going to answer for what you've done," Neptune looked her friend in the eye again. "But it won't be by forcing you to eat eggplant. Having my daughter get traumatized by that was bad enough... But I'll consult with your father and think of something fitting."

"Oh, great... tattling on me to Father, huh?" IF said with a dry smirk. "Least I'm past the age where he can just spank me..."

Just then, an 8-bit rendition of Noire's theme started up... "Oops, excuse me," Black Heart grunted as she pulled out her mobile device. "...Hello? ...What?! When did this happen?! ...okay, we'll be there as soon we can!" Hanging up, she said, "That was my Basilicom, Lilithmon's attacking the aliens with her Tenga!"

(Music- 'Illegal of Destiny', Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney Dual Destinies)

"WHAT?!" everyone cried in shock.

"Dammit, of course that damn Demon Lord would take advantage of our being occupied with Ho-Hum!" White Heart growled.

"Haruhi, we need you to warp us to Lastation City A-SAP, then come back here and finish the clean-up!" Noire ordered.

"Wait, let me come with you!" Hyper IF pleaded. "At least let me start to make up for letting her loose again...!"

"Alright, Iffy, you can come with us," Neptune nodded. "And you can apologize to the aliens after we save them!"

"I will," IF nodded firmly.

"Okay, here we go!" Haruhi exclaimed, snapping her fingers, the party vanishing in a flash of light...

*To be continued...*