Author's Note: Nope. Still don't own anything. Updated some locations throughout the story to be more accurate with the movies. Thank you all for your patience, your lovely reviews and encouragements! They are much appreciated. xx
Field of Vision
Chapter Fourteen
Pride could be a damaging thing. It was a demon that whispered in your ear to remind you nothing was good enough. Pride was the shaky foundation that built you up and tried to balance you on a beautiful pedestal, but for all of your efforts, could not keep you there. It is the basis for all your mistakes. And pride, when damaged, was the overwhelming force that deranged all sensible thought and caused rifts wider than oceans between two people. All for the sake of vanity.
As Ben clung to Rey's body in the shower, he felt every last bit of his pride wash down the drain with the rest of their muck and dirt. He kissed the freckles on her shoulder lightly, embracing the small victory. He needed her back with him and would do whatever it took to get there. With trembling hands, Ben held her steady as she loosened her legs from around his waist and tenderly stood on her own two feet again. The air between them was fragile; it could break at any moment.
But, despite everything he'd done, she had already taken him back and she wasn't done with him yet. Rey gently reached for his neck and angled her face upwards. Obediently, Ben lowered himself to share another deep kiss under the hail of water from the shower, now growing cold. With a trace of shame, he couldn't believe this was the best they could do.
Long gone were the starry nights on Chandrila where they would spend hours pleasuring and learning each other's bodies without a care in the galaxy. It's where he forgot how to be Kylo Ren and remembered how to be Ben Solo. They were whole when they were together, but it was their bond through the Force that made them stronger, and no one could take that away from them.
Now, they were here. Stuck on Ajan Kloss with a thousand other people all longing for the same thing; peace. Now, their time spent together was scarce while secret, stolen pleasures were rushed. They engaged in desperate measures of spiritual and bodily fulfillment and did what they could to be discreet while Ben's life was put on display and the atmosphere teetered on the edge of war. But things were changing, and fast.
His acceptance into the company of the Resistance, while the weeks did not pass quickly, had none the less arrived swiftly, and came in the unusual form of promised retribution. But this retribution was not meant solely for him; it was for the darkness that spread once more across the galaxy, crippling it and calling it Order.
His chances had arrived quickly—he'd even seen them coming—shown to him by means of the Force, but he almost didn't realize what was within his grasp:
His redemption.
A chance at truly starting over; a chance to prove once and for all he was no monster, but rather, the arena in which monsters fought.
Rey pressed the palm of her hand against his chest, just over his heart and closed her eyes. With an unsteady breath, she exhaled and felt the rush of everything he'd unintentionally shared with her through the bond. It was what she should have felt before, when he wasn't ready for the new lightsaber, but was too closed off to accept it. When she realized this, Rey felt awful for not being in tune with his true feelings sooner. She felt its heavy weight resting within, and reminded him to let it go.
Ben turned the cold water off and pulled Rey back into his arms, holding on tight. He ran his fingers over her body as though all the answers to the universe were sewn into her skin.
"I can't let it go; not yet," he'd said.
Concerned, Rey turned to look at his face which was set stern with determination as he stared into nothingness.
"I know what I have to do."
xx
Rose craned her neck above the thickening crowd. She needed something—anything to help elevate her short stature to see over the taller pilots' heads. BB-8 chirped sympathetically from the ground, rolling with the crowd and trying not to bump into people's legs or roll over their feet.
Everyone was excited to witness the legendary general's return, but as Leia approached his ship, a wave of Rebels reverently made a path for her. The speeder carrying their beloved leader went all the way up to where the new arrivals disembarked, and Leia hopped down with the same level of grace and strength she would have had twenty years ago. With an almighty flip of his silk cloak, Lando hurried forward to embrace his old friend and ally.
After the news of Starkiller Base's destruction made its way across the galaxy, Lando had discovered, rather unceremoniously, of Han's death from a source other than Leia. His heart had not been right since. Nothing, even after decades spent apart, could quell the sadness of the loss of a friend, no matter how much trouble that friend caused. The manner in which this news was given did not sit well with Lando, and after a few days' time to process and grieve on his own, had he finally reached out to Han's widow.
Leia hugged Lando tightly, grateful he had decided to come. His body had grown older and rounder, but his smiling face and attitude of a Sabacc-playing swindler had remained the same. This would be the second major war fought together in their lifetime; allies until the very end.
"I'm sorry about Han. I'll forever miss that old scoundrel," said Lando.
Leia smiled sadly, trying to rein in a sudden wave of mixed emotions that were summoned by his words, and took Lando's outstretched hand. "I miss him, too."
xx
The welcoming committee had ushered the newcomers into the compound, getting them settled in and began feasting on the meager rations they had left. The final battle was approaching, and no one could rightfully hold back their indulgences, considering the possible reality that they might never make it back home again. But, nobody dwelled on sadness, only determination and building strength in the assurances of their allies.
After running through muddy terrain and fruitlessly searching in and out of camp, Rose and BB-8 finally located Finn. He was sitting and drinking casually with Poe and a jovial crew of Rebel pilots mingled with new arrivals. Rose marveled at the group of newcomers, who all looked poised and ready for a fight, despite the relaxed atmosphere of their welcome. They were wild-looking warriors who wore their battle gear like most of the Rebel pilots did, ready at a moment's notice to engage. She paused at the edge of the group as she listened to their stories. She saw the look in Finn's eyes, gazing at their leader and took pity on herself. He'd never looked at her that way before.
"So, you just up and quit—just like that—and you survived?"
The Rebel pilots were excited at their chance to finally talk with the curious newcomers. Their leader, a tall and strong-looking woman with honeyed-brown skin answered. Her voice sounded so refined, like some of the members of the Council, which only added to the respect the pilots gave her.
"Yeah, the entire company just laid down our arms and we cut out of there, not caring where we landed next. We didn't know how it happened, but we had finally gained our freedom."
Finn was enamored with the entire group, but especially her. He suddenly and miraculously learned that he wasn't the only trooper who had grown a conscience and defected from the First Order. He hoped they would find more defectors before this war was over.
"I used to be a stormtrooper on Starkiller Base," said Finn, suddenly finding his voice. "Everything about being a trooper felt wrong, and I felt crazy because I was the only one questioning them."
The newcomers all looked at him in disbelief, but then eyed him a bit further, noting how serious he looked. When suddenly, they broke into cheers, raising their canteens and started clapping.
"We know how you feel," said the blonde-haired man sitting next to their leader.
"But with this man's help, I escaped!" Finn put his arm around Poe's shoulders in a brotherly embrace. Forever grateful.
The group continued to celebrate with renewed vigor and broke off into smaller groups to share stories with one another. But, the leader's eyes landed on Finn, looking him over with new eyes. "What was your number?" She asked. The others suddenly turned and looked at her, as though she'd broken an unspoken rule between them.
"FN-2187," he answered, somewhat sheepishly. Poe nudged his arm in solidarity.
"TZ-1710," she said seriously. "Of course… you never forget your number. But you can call me Jannah."
Finn nodded, staring back solemnly. She was right; he could never forget his number. It was his identity for as long as he could remember. That is, until he was given a new one.
"Finn!" Rose called as she hurried over. "I've been looking for you everywhere," she said, but he didn't hear her. BB-8 rolled over and introduced himself to the newcomers who fawned over him like he was a newborn puppy.
"Suckers, all of you," said Poe, staring judgmentally at BB-8 who was basking in the newfound attention.
xx
It was getting late by the time Rey and Ben readied themselves to venture back out onto base. Surely, everyone would be gathering for the highly-anticipated Council meeting with the new arrivals. Rey was anxious to rejoin her friends before the meeting, but Ben was uneasy with the idea of facing old memories again. Even after having gone through the whirlwind experiences of reuniting with his mother and Chewie, Ben struggled to want to keep having to reconcile. Resigned to his fate, he didn't have a choice if he wanted to stay on Rey's good side.
"Do I look alright? Anything askew?" Rey asked, turning from side to side to see her reflection in the grubby bathroom mirror and adjusting her clean outfit to perfection. Ben smiled as he looked her over, then pulled a clean shirt on himself. She always looked put together.
His pride, he reminded himself, was not what he needed to indulge right now. So far, he was doing alright by following her lead. If he fucked up any further, he was a goner.
xx
"I hope we haven't missed them," said Rey, hurrying through the compound and zig-zagging around obstacles in her path.
"We haven't missed anything," Ben tried to reassure her without sounding indifferent.
His long strides made up for his lack of enthusiasm as he followed behind. They approached the gates of the compound together. Already, a large gathering had formed near the entrance, mainly of pilots trying to figure out their pecking order before cramming into the amphitheater. Rey had located Rose lingering behind a large crowd and ran up to meet her. Ben found his mother in counsel with Lando and a few other Resistance leaders standing off to the side and away from the gates. They finally noticed him, turning their heads towards Ben one by one just as Rey grabbed him by the hand and dragged him inside.
xx
Everyone arranged themselves according to their rank and position within the Resistance's hierarchy. Council members stood surrounding the holoviewer, while their ranks fell into place behind them. Officers sat in the stands, while the pilots scattered in the upper levels and mechanics (and Wookiees) came last in the back.
Poe subtly caught Ben's urgent attention from the other side of the amphitheater. Ben exchanged glances with the ace pilot and nodded his acknowledgement. With a stern face, Poe raised his right hand and touched his index finger to his thumb, making a circle. Ben's eyes narrowed in concentration across the amphitheater, curiously wondering what kind of Rebel hand signal Poe was trying to send him, when he added his left index finger to insert inside the circle he made with his right hand… and then grinned wickedly, glancing sideways at Rey while he moved it in and out in a lewd gesture.
Red hot anger ignited in Ben as he finally realized what Poe's dirty hand signal implied. He nearly launched himself out of his seat to charge across the theatre towards his asshole friend when the entire crowd stood up out of respect for the entering generals and Council members, complete with the new additions of the company of defected stormtroopers. They marched in determinedly, ready to launch the new mission with a full gathering of Rebel troops.
The Council members arranged themselves neatly around the holoviewer and called for the meeting to begin while the occupants in the amphitheater returned to their seats. Ben grunted indignantly when he realized his goose had just been saved from further embarrassment and tried to compose himself; act like he did that on purpose.
"Shh, it's starting," said Rey, smiling and completely oblivious to the shocking lewdness coming from across the room. The first chance he got, Ben made a mental note to pummel Poe into the ground.
Leia stood and addressed the crowd, launching today's meeting straight into the point as she began to break down the mission objectives. Introductions came second. The pilots and mechanics in the rear began to cheer when Leia introduced General Lando Calrissian and the leadership of the legion of defected stormtroopers.
Then Lando took center stage and began to inform everyone of the extensive recruiting he and his team have engaged in. They've managed to reach out to several systems and locate allies there, ready to engage in battle against the First Order. Remnants of the former Republic, thousands of survivors of those killed during the Starkiller Base attacks, were currently on standby for orders. Lando informed the room the Resistance had steadily been growing in numbers since the Battle of Crait, though it wasn't until word of Ben's desertion from the First Order and inclusion into the Resistance had spread across channels in the galaxy that recruitment numbers began to skyrocket.
At this revelation, Lando turned to look directly at Ben, who felt his heart drop into his stomach.
He had made a difference and didn't even realize it.
Ben looked to his mother next, who was staring back just as proudly as before. Next to him, Rey squeezed his hand gently to remind him to breathe. He nodded back at Lando, a small smirk growing at the corners of his mouth. So, he had done something good after all. And now it was paying off. A small flame ignited deep within himself—a foreign feeling of self-respect and a different kind of pride began to emerge.
"We have a duty to each other," said Lando in a booming voice, "to protect and to serve each other and to rid this galaxy of what oppresses us—steals from us—kills us,"
Loud Wookiee rumbles and cries of collective approval rose from the ranks as Lando spoke, building with each word.
"Many years ago, Princess Leia and myself—and many others," Lando paused thoughtfully, putting his hand to his chest as though something pained him, "who are no longer with us—had to fight to protect that which we loved—our homes, our families, our people," he continued. "There was no balance in the galaxy!"
The room filled with more shouts and voices of outrage. Lando outstretched his hands to the crowd as he continued his speech, filled with purpose.
"Once again, we are threatened and will no longer tolerate the fear-mongering control of the First Order. We have much to prepare for, but our final mission begins now… who is with me?"
While the crowd roared their approval of Lando's speech and the impending mission, Ben sank further into his seat, hiding his face in his hands as he knew it was entirely his fault Han was not here to see this.
As the crowd began to disperse, Leia stepped over to where her son sat unmoving, and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. "Let's talk, son."
xx
"I'd know this young buck anywhere. Ben Solo…" said Lando, delaying his departure from the amphitheater as he appraised Ben's grown image, "I heard you've become a scoundrel in your own right." Then, with a gleaming smile, Lando reached out to shake Ben's hand. He hadn't seen the younger Solo since he was a child, but now this boy had grown to look every bit like his father.
Leia smiled proudly as Ben clasped Lando's hand. Apparently, Lando was on the same playing field as Maz Kanata when it came to dismantling Ben without much effort. Ben stood to his full height and tried his best to carry himself with pride, despite how odd it felt.
"Was it true what you said? How recruitment increased once word got out about my…"
Lando's casual demeanor sobered up quickly as he squeezed Ben's hand a little tighter.
"I never lie about something that matters, son" said Lando, despite the scoffing sounds of blatant disbelief coming from Leia. She knew better than to eat that.
"Yes, it's true! Don't listen to her," said Lando trying to save face like the swindler he was. "I only heard two weeks ago, and since then, my team's been getting messages left and right. My protocol droid crashed because it was receiving too many locations at once for groups requesting recruitment information. But don't worry about it, man. It's a good thing."
Ben was stunned into silence. Out of a survival habit developed early in order to keep his true feelings from being known by Snoke, he wore his face like a mask, hiding how he really felt inside. He honestly didn't know what to think of this news.
"I'm really glad you've put those dark days behind you. Really glad. Your father would be proud of you."
Ben stiffened. He saw it coming, but hoped Lando would actually address it. Then, he released Ben's hand and nodded politely before turning to leave with his company.
But before General Calrissian departed completely from being within earshot, Ben found his voice again, "I'm sorry, Lando."
Stopped in his tracks, Lando paused to listen to the deep voice of the younger Solo.
Ben took another deep breath before continuing, his apology game was still in dire need of improvement.
"I know what he meant to you."
The elder man turned around to face Ben once more, the gleaming smile faded, but still there. His eyes turned downcast as he revisited memories and savored the bittersweet, but never dull friendship he once held with this boy's father. But, Lando nodded, acknowledging the boy's repentance and decided to leave it at that.
xx
Ben followed his mother into a quiet antechamber off of the big room. Most people had left the compound by now, ready to make preparations and do whatever they could to prepare for the impending mission. Ben sensed that his mother also felt uneasy, but her energy was strong. She had been preparing for this conversation, but Ben had been running from it.
"It's good to see Lando again," she started. Her voice was calm and even.
"Yeah, it's been a long time," he answered automatically.
Leia sat down on a large supply crate, motioning for her son to sit with her. Ben remained calm as he watched his mother, however, he choose to remain standing. He leaned defiantly against the wall as he brushed his hair back and out of his eyes. The air felt charged around them, making them both uneasy, like something was about to finally break.
"I feel like you've been avoiding me," said Ben.
Leia shrugged her shoulders noncommittally, "I could say the same about you."
Ben decided to tread carefully. He's been caught in her traps before.
"Well, I'm not avoiding you now," Leia casually responded. "I've actually been waiting to ask you this since you arrived," she said, adjusting her jacket.
His dark eyes met with hers that mirrored the anxious resolve he felt inside.
"Are you ready?" She asked, her tone serious.
Ben blinked. "Ready for what?"
"It's a simple question, Ben. Are you ready?" She repeated.
Ben pressed his lips together as his brow furrowed, trying to be patient. He wanted more details, but thought better than to keep asking for something he guessed he should have already known by now. He had always struggled to converse with his mother, finding that they were too similar and too stubborn a pair to have prolonged, civil interaction.
"Yes," he answered, hoping this was the right thing to say.
"Are you sure?" She asked, but Ben was beginning to get aggravated by the mystery behind this conversation.
"Ma, stop playing games and just tell me already,"
"Are you ready for this? All of it!" She finally answered, "Are you ready to put your past behind you and do what's right? Are you ready to make sacrifices and face your former allies,"
Ben scoffed, interrupting, "I wouldn't call them that."
But Leia's look of contempt burned and punished Ben. Suddenly, he knew where this was going.
"Are you ready to talk about him?"
Shame and anger welled up inside at her words. He dipped his head low to look at his boots instead of her disappointed face. But all he saw was the darkened pit into which his father's body fell. This pit haunted his nightmares, reminding him of his failures.
"He should be here," she whispered sadly. "I wish he could see you now—to see what I see, and what Rey sees. I know it took the cost of my husband's life in order to save my son's, but I wish I could have you both," Leia began to weep, but caught herself before she broke any further.
Ben bit his lip to keep it steady. He still wasn't ready. And he knew that now.
"I don't know what happened between you two that night, whatever it was that drove you to do such a thing, but know that he loved you. He loved you so much, Ben; he did what was necessary to set you on the course to bring you back, even if it was foolish to confront you when you… weren't yourself."
Tears fell from his dark eyes as he looked to his mother, still feeling frightened like a child. He shifted his stance uncomfortably, not realizing this conversation would happen when he woke up this morning.
"He made the sacrifice to save me, I understand that now," Ben admitted.
Snoke had stolen him from his family and snatched him from the Light at such a young and impressionable age. Every abuse he'd ever suffered under his former master groomed him for making this one mistake. "Snoke was so horrible," Ben barely managed to speak, "I'm sorry, mom. You were right; I am a monster,"
"No!" Leia snatched his hands up in hers, gripping them fiercely tight. "You're not a monster. I was wrong for not understanding you, or protecting you better. All that time with Luke, I thought it would help you. I didn't know he would prove to, well, I didn't think he would fail so poorly. And I had no idea Snoke had found you so soon."
A broken woman stood before her adult son, whom she barely knew, but desperately wanted to be a part of his life again. Now that he was delivered from the darkness, her chance to be his mother again was renewed.
"Which… speaking of Snoke," said Leia hesitantly, "There's something you should know."
Ben wiped his eyes with his sleeve and waited for the cresting wave to crash. Whatever she was about to tell him wasn't going to be good.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just say it; Snoke wasn't who we thought he was," said Leia with a tremble of fear in her normally strong voice.
"What?" Ben felt lost, unaware of how much worse this news could be.
Leia's face contorted as though she were in fresh pain, as though a knife had run her through and she was fighting through the pain of it.
"Snoke was a puppet all along, controlled by an enemy we all thought was long dead."
A heavy weight sank in the pit of his gut and his blood ran cold; Ben knew who she was talking about before she even uttered his name.
"Emperor Palpatine lives and has been controlling Snoke and the First Order this entire time."
xx
Rey hadn't forgotten about Leia's plans. A week ago she's made it seem like nothing, whittling down the problem to something so simple. But Rey knew better than that.
Everything was coming together now and steadily building to a furious head. She could sense it in everything and everyone through the Force. Every little sideways glance, small words exchanged, even in the humid jungle air. Lando's arrival with an entire fleet of new muscle was a step towards that goal, and now after his rousing speech, everyone was hyped up and ready to fight. She felt more than ready to fight; she'd been training for this for over a year now.
By gathering Lando and an untold amount of extra forces, Leia was up to something, and all Rey could do was go along with it. The last thing she wanted was for Ben to know it too.
xx