I AM NOT A THERAPIST! There I said it. I know about emotional blocks and things that we hide from ourselves. This chapter is a LOT of talking about break downs and mental illness. Everyone suffers differently and heals the way that they heal. There is no one way to wholeness. *Trigger* warning for those who have suffered. If this is an issue for you, please take care of you.

I don't own Rizzoli & Isles. I am not making any $ from said writing. Thanks for reading. Be kind in the comments. This is free and you can always say no to it. :)

Peace out.

In Case you Didn't Know

4.

Jane was still held a small amount of trepidation when it came to this new adventure as she followed Maura up a slight incline to visit the property's collection of beehives. They had taken a path from the house no more than half a mile away. Since it was a gorgeous day the walk was refreshing and the scent that was floating on the air was intoxicating. The energy of the land was completely invigorating. Jane mused that she could indeed get used to this place. She didn't have the money to emigrate, but it was tempting to start saving up.

Maura had dressed the taller woman in a full bee suit and had given her instruction about how to behave and remain calm around the hives. She had chosen to only wear her gloves, hat and net. She knew these bees as if they were her closest friends. She had nothing to fear from them. She smoked them as she lifted one of the lids, but the workers weren't really interested in them anyway. The others were very busy in full swing collecting pollen from her trees. "They have been very healthy so far. See the caps here? This is a very healthy hive. I'll harvest the honey later in the season, likely in September. I've had very good luck with these hives. They've been very productive in pollinating my grove and giving me honey. I haven't had any of them collapse, although it can happen without warning. I procured my bees from a local swarm, so they had already proven to be healthy, acclimated and had a queen in place. I was very lucky."

"What is a collapse exactly?" Jane was still a little nervous about being this close to the active bees, but the more they talked and the calm attitude of Maura served to help her relax.

"A hive collapses when the worker bees abandon the queen and leave her to fend for herself. There usually leave enough resources to support a hive, but the queen can't tend to it on her own so all of the work the swarm has done is abandoned and the queen eventually dies. The hive dies." She said it matter-of-factly, but the emotion of what she was saying was thick in the air.

Jane didn't miss the implication of what Maura had just described. She had left the queen to tend the hive alone. She didn't even bother to respond. She listened as Maura went through all of the scientific descriptions of keeping bees and how many are beneficial to her grove. She had a half hectare of trees, a little over an acre, and 3 hives on either side of the groves.

When Maura felt she had told Jane much more than she had wanted to know, they removed their coverings. Maura folded the clothing and put them back in her pack. The helmet hung by a hook on the back. The petite woman continued talking about her property and the benefits of growing olives.

"I am certainly not a commercial grower, but I do have a crew who tends the trees. We never harvest when the birds are sleeping or during mating season. Night harvesting kills millions of song birds each year. It's a heinous act that should be outlawed. We are a no kill organic grove. These trees are very old. I appreciate that they are still standing and will continue to be here long after I'm gone from this place. My heirs, whomever they may be, will benefit from their wisdom"

"A very wise, small farmer. Something I never would have thought to say about you. I love that you do all of this. It's so far from cutting up dead bodies and yet it fits you perfectly."

"I'm a small farmer with a small farm." She was amused by the title. "I am planning on chickens soon. Possibly even a goat. I'll be Piccola Contadina Isebella! Small Farmer Isebella. I like it. Molto Bene!"

Jane smiled at the beautiful woman's enthusiasm for her life. She never did anything small and this wonderful place was a testament to that fact. She out-shined everyone and everything around her. Jane had failed in the past to recognize it more than once. She was so used to Maura being Maura, that she had ignored the amazing human within the big brain. If given the chance, she wouldn't forget again. Maura and her amazing self were to be celebrated and not berated. Big brain and all.

"Let's eat! This escapade across your land has gotten me famished. What say you?"

"Of course. Let's try over here."

The two women spread the blanket under the cool shade of one of the ancient olive trees. Jane brushed off the bottom of the basket she had been carrying and placed it on the cloth. They removed their shoes and sat together to enjoy the perfect surroundings that were enhanced by the gorgeous day. The food was simple but like the day it was gorgeous and perfect. The wine was still cool and crisp. It paired perfectly with the bread, fruit and cheeses.

Jane took a deep breath and took in the scent of the surroundings. "This is so nice! You have a beautiful property here. It's really paradise."

Maura smiled broadly allowing her dimple to emerge. "I fell in love with it as soon as I saw it. It did take a great deal of negotiating with the owners but as the old saying goes, money likes to converse."

Jane didn't correct her. It was endearing and quite possibly purposeful. "Indeed it does. I'm sure it spoke the local language fluently." She popped a grape into her mouth along with a small piece of cheese. The taste about sent her reeling. Everything about this place made her senses ring.

"It's almost a universal language with the exception of several tribes in India and many tribes of the Amazon. They feel that the family is the greatest wealth one can have." She was quiet for a moment looking for Jane to stop her from being too wordy. She looked over at the woman who seemed to simply be content, sitting in the grove of olive trees, listening to her talk.

Jane nodded her agreement. "I can't say that they are wrong. Family makes you who you are. It can make you strong or it can bring you to your knees. I'm really lucky to have the first kind."

"Yes. I was lucky to share them for a time." There was definite sorrow in her voice.

The comment pinched Jane's heart. She was the one who had made Maura feel as if the Rizzolis no longer belonged to her, but that was far from the truth. "You still have them even if you are not…in communication at the moment. Ma lights a candle and prays for you every Sunday. Frankie misses you almost as much as I do…did." She didn't want to say 'will', but it hung out there like the laundry. "And Tommy…oh Tommy. That man loves you for more than your chess play." She laughed.

"Well, while his mind was lovely, my body didn't fall in line for anything more than friendship." She smiled at the thought of the handsome baby faced man. He was a dear, but her heart had belonged to his sister at the time.

Jane let out a hearty laugh. "You would have made beautiful children, that's for sure."

"Your family does have excellent genetic traits." Ignoring the fact that while she could also offer excellent genetic material. Paddy was a bad person, but he was still quite brilliant and Hope was annoyingly brilliant as well. Maura understood why some people found her intelligence less than endearing.

"Long bones, beautiful minds, yeah, I know."

"So, Jane of the Long Bones, I did ask you here today for a reason that has nothing to do with bees or olives." She wasn't going to ignore this any longer. They were playing catch up. Now, as Jane would say, it's time to play hardball.

Jane felt the panic begin to rise. She tamped it down. This was not fight or flight. This was her best friend. Used to be her best friend. At this point she had nothing to lose. "I know."

Maura tried to catch Jane's eye, but the other woman was evasive. "So, Jane, why are you here?"

Eyes the color of dark chocolate squinted in the sun while they stared out at nothing. She finally turned to the woman beside her. "Are you sure you're ready for this?"

Maura sat up and pulled her feet to the side. With a tilt of her head she answered, "I feel that I am. If I find that I'm not, I'll say so."

Jane took a very deep breath and slowly released it. Tears already wanted to appear, but she tamped them down. "Maura Isebella, I like that name a lot. It really suits you. Okay, so this is it. I'm going to tell you what happened and it's going to be a long story. You will have questions at some point, but I promise you I will answer them all. I have to start at the beginning to get to the end and even when I'm done I'm not sure it will be the actual end. There may be so much more story to tell or there might be none at all. Only you can determine that." This short sentence put the power of their future squarely in Maura's hands. The blond nodded in the affirmative. She understood completely and she would have insisted that this was the only way that it could be.

Jane hadn't practiced her story, but she knew what she was going to say. She had told this story to herself at least a million times. She cleared her mind and let the words flow. "About 7 months after I left you alone in our hotel room in Paris,

"Wait. Clarify for me. This was after you had already located me?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, I'm sorry to interrupt. I would like to have a timeline in my mind. It helps me."

"Maur, I understand. No need to explain. Anyway, after I left you in Paris, for lack of a better way to put it, I suffered a serious mental break. One day my body just stopped working. It was like my brain was done with the years of all the bullshit I had been feeding it. Weeks before it happened, maybe longer, who knows, I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I was having difficulties in my job. Nothing that anyone would notice, because I'm an expert at hiding my pain, but I felt it. It was like someone else was running the show in my brain. The nightmares were taking over what little sleep I was getting. I woke up one morning and couldn't get out of bed. I was frozen in the midst of all of it and I couldn't move. All I could do was cry. It took me three hours to call Ma. She called Vince. Vince came and then he called someone else I think. I wasn't in my brain enough to even pay attention at that point. I don't know how I got anywhere from that point, but someone came and took me. Really it's just all kind of a blur."

Maura didn't look at Jane although her heart was now racing. She knew exactly who Vince had called. She had entrusted him with contact information for her attorney to obtain her number with the strict stipulation that it was to only be used in a life or death situation or if anything happened to anyone in her family; one of the Rizzolis. Jane didn't know he had it and he wasn't in a position to offer it. She never questioned why or for whom when he had called her and said that he needed her help. The very last person she would have guessed needed anything was Jane, so she dismissed the idea out of hand. He said he needed finances and she had provided them no questions asked. There was no need for doubt between them. She had since completely forgotten it until now. She vowed to herself that she would tell Jane later…if they got through this that is.

"I was taken to some really fancy center somewhere with lots of trees. What I do know is that it specializes in PTSD, so I think it's an FBI facility or something. I don't know. After I got where I was going, I spent a month in a big chair, holding a blanket and just looking out the window. Then they made me talk. I didn't really want to but it was a "rule" after 4 weeks. They started to dig, just a little at first, but over time they dug up all of the shit from the past. Hoyt. Sands. Paddy. Dominic. So much violence from being a cop that I had never resolved. I killed a lot of people. That weighed on me more than I ever realized. For me it was just part of the job. Taking out a bad guy is necessary, but it's still a life that didn't belong to me. I don't feel bad about killing Hoyt and Sands. I never will."

"I'm getting off track here. After a couple of months of probing, digging and getting the answers that they were looking for from me, they thought that I was well enough to go home. I'm still not sure that their idea of well and my idea of well were the same thing, but they wanted me to become stronger out in the real world. The requirements for my release were that I continue therapy and take medication for depression. I didn't feel depressed, but I guess they did."

"I did what they asked, I went to therapy and started back to work a little at a time. In my sessions the reason behind why I couldn't let go of Hoyt and Alice was really elusive. It kept coming up every week when I would see Judy, my therapist. The answer was right there. I could feel it dancing just outside of my understanding. I just couldn't seem to break through to see it. The answer was the key to my recovery and yet it just wasn't there. If there was an answer it was kept locked away behind this big blank wall in my brain. I would work with the therapist every week and she would say 'tell me what you're feeling'. And I would repeat the same things over and over. I would say I am afraid. I have anxiety. I want to let it go. She would ask me what am I afraid of and am afraid for myself or my safety and every fucking time I would say, "No. I'm fine. I don't know what I'm afraid of. It makes no sense. They can't hurt me anymore. I know this deep in my bones as sure as I'm sitting on this couch. I am safe. I am protected completely." and then that one time I said "I don't fear for me." Then I'll never forget it. She looked me straight in the eyes and asked, "Then Jane, who are you afraid for?" And immediately I knew. You know in that game show Jeopardy they always tell you to go with your first answer because that's the answer that's probably right? That was this moment for me. That big old wall came tumbling down and only one name came out from behind it. There weren't any others and I knew it was the right one. The only one. Yours."

The gasp in Maura's throat was audible. "But I never…."

Jane gently stopped her with a hand to her forearm. "It's okay. Maur, let me, please. When Hoyt had you. When he stuck that scalpel on your throat and tried to make me watch you, my whole world shifted. In a split second there was nothing else but you. I felt fire in my belly like I have never experienced in all of my years as a cop. I also felt an ice cold fear that was like nothing I can explain. I felt super strength and hopeless weakness all wrapped into one package. My psyche cracked in that moment. From then on it was only a matter of time. Right then, I knew that I had let you down and you were going to be killed because of me, but I was the only one who could save you. You almost died because of ME Maura. At least that's what my brain tape kept repeating. My mind was telling me a story that was only a partial truth. It wasn't because of me completely. They were both obsessed with me. The second time when you were kidnapped, I owned that, too. Then you were shot and I owned that as well. It wasn't mine to own, but I was still the crux of both incidents. I held onto the guilt of it all. You suffered because of me. You almost died more than once, because of me"

"After that, it took me a long time and a lot of work to understand that THEY were to blame. I was just an innocent a victim as you were. Yes, I was a cop, but cops can still be victimized. Just because I had a badge and a gun didn't make me immune. It was after that, I had to delve into why it was you being threatened like that changed everything for me in a moment. Hoyt had you down on that bed and he knew. Hoyt knew it. Alice knew it." She stopped. The deep breath she took had to ground her for the next confession that would come out of her mouth. "They knew that hurting you would hurt me more than if they had tortured and killed me. Hurting you would take away everything from me. They both knew that if they had taken you from me, who I am at my core would be stripped away."

"I…I don't understand how that could be, Jane. You were, no, you are a great cop. It's what you were born to do and be. What could losing me do…..that would…"

"Maura, it's because they saw the depth of love I have for you even when I couldn't see it myself." She stopped to let it sink in for a minute. "They saw that nothing in the world meant as much to me. Not my job. Not my apartment. Not even my family. If they wanted to hurt me, they knew to hurt you, because I love you."

Maura didn't miss what Jane was saying, but like Jane she had a bad case of denial when it came to her own emotions. Everyone around her knew, she just didn't want to accept it for herself. "I love you, too, Jane. We've always said that. You're my best friend."

Jane smiled sweetly. She had called her best friend in the present tense. "Yeah, Maur. I know. But the love I have for you is different than the love you have for me. See, here's the thing, Hoyt always targeted married couples. He targeted us, because he saw or smelled or just knew by instinct, that I saw us as a couple. I viewed us as married in my mind, even without ever saying the words or admitting it to myself. I'm in love with you. Hoyt knew it. He sensed it. Maybe if I had told you sooner. I thought that if I had KNOWN for myself sooner, I could have protected you. I could have taken the steps to let you know and given you the knowledge that you needed to know to protect yourself. You could have set my mind straight by reminding me that you're only my friend and nothing more. I could have changed the way I feel and acted. Then you would have been safe. If you could convince me not to look at us as a couple, then Hoyt and Sands and everyone else would never have hurt you. They wouldn't have a reason."

"I don't know what to say. I have so many things that are coming up, but I can't verbalize them yet." Maura was getting better at understanding how complex emotions could be, but there were times when the confusing ones needed a think through.

"Oh Maur, honey, you don't have to say anything. These are my emotions to own. Just remember that just because I love you doesn't make ANY of this your fault. You can't own my emotions. That was all on me. I know that we have different feelings for each other and that's okay. I'm just telling you what I had to discover to be able to heal from my breakdown. It wasn't really a breakdown, okay yes it was and I was incapacitated by it. Even before that Cam had said that I was emotionally unavailable and he was right."

"Because you loved me." Maura was letting all of this tumble in her mind.

"Well, yes and no. No, because every single minute of everyday I was living from a place of fear. Hoyt and Sands and that insane baker were living in my head 24/7 and no one else could get in. I thought; I REALLY thought that if I left BPD, if I left you, if I left…all of it, that it would get better. It didn't. It got worse. And yes, I was unavailable, because since the minute I met you, my heart has belonged with you; to you. No matter what, I do better when I'm with you. That sounds so unhealthy and maybe it is. But I think that there are people in our lives who DO make us better. They make us feel better. They help us see a different part of ourselves. You do that for me."

"Because of you I pause and think about things. I have learned to look at experiences with a different eye. I finally realized the benefits of yoga and meditation. That is because years ago you put them in my head. It took a long time to get through this thick skull, but I got there. Come to find out my inner me has a lot to talk about. When I meditate I close off outside Jane when I do yoga I let inside Jane have a voice. She's the one who taught me about my savior complex and my gigantic ego. Come to find out, I don't need to save anyone except myself."

There was a very long pause in the conversation. Both women were absorbing what Jane was saying. She was laying out more emotional information than the doctor had ever heard and she didn't know just yet what to do with it.

Without much warning tears began to flow down Jane's cheeks. This last part was going to be the hardest. This last part was why she had come to Italy. "None of what I've said is the reason I'm here. I'm sure that you've deduced that much." The blonde nodded the affirmative. "Maura," she looked up to capture hazel eyes with her own, "sweet Maura, I said this yesterday but I still have to say it. I want to, I must, apologize for my actions in Paris. I can't tell you how every single day I wish that I could take it all back. I wish that I had held you for hours and cried my eyes out at the thought of leaving you, but I at the time couldn't face my own choices. I couldn't face watching you disappear into the distance. I just couldn't. I think I would have broken right then instead of months later. When it all came down to it, I chose to break myself instead of finding the truth. Maybe the breaking was bound to happen. You asked me why I'm here, why I had to find you. This is why. I need to tell you how very sorry I am. I'm so sorry, Maura. I wish there were better words to say that. I feel that you likely paid a heavy price for my fear and I'm so sorry. It's a regret I can never repair." Jane lay back letting her tears run back onto the blanket. They didn't deserve to be wiped away. They were rebels that were running roughshod through her and they didn't deserve her attention. She looked to the sky for forgiveness because she knew that she couldn't look at Maura.

Now Maura was the one who was crying. She didn't have words to express her emotions in the moment. So she lay back beside her friend. "I don't know what to say. I want to say I forgive you. I want to."

Jane looked over at her. "But you can't."

The smaller woman wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand. "No. Not yet. Now that you've actually verbalized everything I've wanted to hear from you since that day, I can't. I was so hurt and then I was so angry. You left me Jane! You left me alone in that small room without even a proper goodbye. If I'm honest, I'm mad at you right now. Yes, I'm honestly quite angry." She felt a wellspring of emotions threatening to boil over. "I think….." She paused.

Jane waited for the worst that she was positive was coming. "What?"

Maura wanted to be clear in what she said for fear of making things irreparable between them. "For now," she took a pause for emphasis, "and just for now, I think I need some time."

"Yeah. I can imagine that you do."Jane got to her knees and stood. She slipped her shoes on. "Hand me the basket. I'll take it back to the house."

Maura sat up and looked at the taller woman. The sun was shining streaks like a halo from behind her. Her mind supposed that if this is what angels looked like, she understood the fascination. "Jane I.." There was something in her voice that made Jane step in.

Jane smiled at her before she could finish. "No Maur….Isebella. It's okay. I think we're done here… for now."

"But…I'm afraid you won't…..I. I don't want you to be gone forever. Please, I just need time." She didn't want to sound like she was begging, but she was. She didn't want to lose Jane, but she also didn't want to be near her at the moment either. The ultimate push-me-pull you. She needed space, but not permanently. Her heart needed to deal with the emotions and her mind needed to sift through the information.

Jane nodded into the Italian countryside. "I'm not going anywhere. I spent all of this time finding you again. You take all the time you need, Maura. I put a lot out there. Ya know, I'm not angry at 'them' anymore and I'm not afraid anymore. Well, I am. The only thing I'm afraid of is losing you…again. I know that you're here and I'm over there. I know that I don't really HAVE you, but at least I've seen you. Nothing else in this world scares me. Just that. You not being in my life, even if that means from a distance. I need to tell you though, in all of my work and digging into my psyche the one thing I discovered that moved me the most to healing, is that you have always been the best and strongest part of me. What I feel for you made me better at everything. Through all of it, my break down and the rebuilding, your strength was in there all along. My love for you gave me strength to come back to myself." She bent over and picked up the basket as she did, she placed a gentle kiss on Maura's cheek. "I hope I'll see you later."

"Okay." Maura watched as the tall dark woman who had invaded her world walked away. She thought about chasing her down and she also thought about whacking her over the head with a large stick from one of her trees. The dichotomy of her emotions struck her firmly with an odd understanding of her position. She searched her raging emotions and found that beyond any doubt she still loved Jane with something more than friendship, but was it the in love kind of passion that Jane testified to? She couldn't answer that until she dealt with her anger.

She hadn't felt this red hot angry since she realized that Jane was leaving to go to DC to work and to be with Agent Davies no less. She knew then that it was a completely selfish and self righteous anger. She hid it well, she thought. Most people thought she was merely sad that her best friend was leaving, but at night, in the privacy of her own home she had seethed with honest rage. She had never experienced the heat like the fire that burned her down then and she truly reveled in the raw power of it. She had no one with which to discuss this new emotion. She couldn't talk to Jane about Jane and Angela was likely to tell Jane if she divulged anything to her. Tommy was a no. Frankie was absolutely no. He couldn't keep a secret to save his own life especially when it came to Jane. So instead, she had taken her weapon and gone to the firing range more times than she could count. The physical rawness of the sound and reverberation through her body matched her emotions. She imagined that the target was one Agent Davies and her aim became perfect.

In all of that rage she knew that she needed to find a way to stop the centrifuge of her emotions from tearing her apart. She retreated to the only space in her home which offered her solace. Her yoga and meditation room. She didn't do anything in there for a long time that resembled yoga or meditation, but she promised herself that there would be no violence of either mind or body within these walls. This room was sacred space for her. Between the shooting and the non-yoga she found a balance that held her together.

She had hope when Jane came with her to Paris and then all of her hopes and her heart were dashed when Jane left without a word. She had loved Jane for a long time, but the fear of expressing it to the detective made her hold her tongue. It was highly likely that Hoyt saw the emotions from her that had incited him. She was the catalyst for the actions he had taken. Her love had been painted on her face and she knew it. Alice may have seen it at some point, but she knew for sure that the reason Hoyt said that they were alike had nothing to do with their past or their personalities and had everything to do with how they felt for Jane.

She sat in the sun for a long time thinking and feeling through her many emotions. Even the jumbled thought of how her name fell so easily from the lips of the other woman. "Isebella! My name is Isebella, God dammit! Don't come in here like you fucking own the whole fucking world and start calling me by my old name. That name doesn't suit…..it isn't…fuck you, Jane!" Tears were flowing freely now. "I'm not…her. I'm someone…I'm NOT her." She stopped. An epiphany of sorts, landed in her lap. She frowned as the feeling that was invading her thoughts took over. The realization that stopped her tirade to the empty grove was that when Jane said 'Maura' with that deep, sandpapered voice, it held a power that no one else possessed. It broke down her walls and eliminated her well constructed defenses. That's why she both disliked and loved it so much when Jane said her name. She felt vulnerable when that intimacy was poured on her and any vulnerability scared her. She also tasted the intense love that dripped from it so much like her wild honey, sweet and rich. She felt embraced by the timber of the tall woman's voice speaking a name she hadn't heard in years. The sound of it returned all of the broken pieces of her to their place. As much as she wanted to rail against loving Jane, she simply had no choice in the matter. Her heart had chosen a long time ago. It had just been on hold. Yes, she was still very angry. Yes, the hurt of losing the beautiful Italian had ripped her into shreds that she was still searching high and low to find. If she were truthful, there were bits of her soul lying all over Europe. But Jane, with those long legs and the fierce fire that still raged singularly for her, was the only one who could bring them all back to her. She was the magnet to everything Maura was. And that analogy sealed her fate. Her name was Maura and she was determined to figure out if two broken souls could finally become whole.