AN: I absolutely should be doing work instead of sitting here writing this, but I've got a renewed vigour for this story this week and I can't concentrate until I get some of it out there! Thank you for your continued comments! I'm loving reading all the new stories that have popped up as well. V inspirational.

Chapter 15

"Mum? Did you hear what I said?" Charles looked at his Mum, confused.

She hadn't said a word in response to his bombshell, but sat with her fingers pressed to her mouth, staring straight ahead.

"Yes I heard you, I just need a minute."

"Right, ok...ehm." Charles wasn't sure what to do with himself so he stood up and went through to the fridge, returning with two bottles of water. He handed one to Jennifer.

"I think I need something a bit stronger dear." She rose and went to the cabinet in the corner, poured a large gin and disappeared into the kitchen.

When she returned, her glass had been topped up with ice and tonic and she seemed to be less in shock.

"Well?" Charles asked warily.

"Well...indeed."

"I know, I know what you're going to say."

"Actually darling I don't know if you do."

"Ok..."

"Can I speak freely Charles?"

Charles laughed, "When have you ever done anything else Mother?"

"On a number of occasions actually." Her tone was perfectly serious and Charles was instantly aware that he should avoid any further attempts at humour. Maybe he would need a gin.

"Go on Mum, please, I need your advice."

Jennifer basked in the feeling of being needed by her fiercely independent son, it had been a long time. She sipped her gin,

"Well Charles it's my belief that a parent's job is to set your child up for what life may bring, support them always, but let them find their own way and your Father and I have done our best to do that. Granted it was far from ideal that you became a Father at such a young age yourself, but you stepped up to the plate admirably and Sam is a credit to you. I know you tried with Rebecca, but that was not to be and I would rather you were happy than stuck in a marriage going nowhere."

Charles nodded, he had heard all of this before from his Mum so he was unsure where she was going next.

"That being said, I hate the fact that you are in the army. And I mean hate it. Obviously I'm proud of you for what you do and what you've achieved, but since the day you went off to Sandhurst there has been a permanent knot in my stomach which only slightly relaxes when you are home."

"Mum, I-"

"Let me finish please," Jennifer held up her hand, "you're not stupid Charles, you know I wasn't happy that that was your chosen career path, but if I hadn't tried so hard to step back I would have done anything to stop you going including lying down on the tarmac at Brize Norton in front of the plane you were on. I have lain awake for nights on end imagining being able to just beg you to leave and do something else. I have never understood your need to go, but I have accepted it and kept my counsel." She took a shaky breath. Charles took the opportunity to interject,

"I had no idea how strongly you felt Mum." He shook his head, "All I can say is thank you for supporting me and allowing me to live the life I wanted."

"As I said, that's my job as a parent."

"So-"

"I'm not finished Charles. I've held this in for 13 years and you've finally asked me for my advice, I'm getting this out if it kills me."

Charles sat a little straighter and motioned that she should continue.

"I have learned to live with the threat of the death of my child. Why do you think I kept working as a midwife all these years? I cling onto that new life and new hope like a dinghy in a storm, it's the only thing that keeps me grounded and shows me that there's more to the world than people shooting at my son. When the officials came to tell us you'd been wounded and I knew how bad it was, I thought I might never make it through, truth be told I don't know how your Dad and I managed. Necessity I suppose.

After you pulled through though, there was a tiny part of me that was glad you'd been shot because it meant you weren't going back and that's all I've ever wanted to hear from you. You lay in that hospital bed and told me you were resigning your commission because you'd let everybody down and selfishly instead of telling you not to beat yourself up, I clung to the fact that you would be out of danger and I could breathe properly for the first time since you were 22.

Of course I say selfishly because it was. I knew then you were only doing it because you felt you should for Sam and to some extent the rest of us, but I didn't care and for that I'm sorry. I know I should have said something at the time, but I couldn't."

"Mum-"

She shook her head quickly, tears threatening to spill,

"When you told me you were going back before making a final decision, I knew then that you already had."

"What?"

"Made a decision. You were going to stay in."

Charles squirmed.

"Am I wrong Charles?"

"No...and that's what's so bloody annoying. You knew I was only saying I wasn't sure? You knew I'd stay in if they let me?"

"Of course I did!"

"But you never said!"

"What good would it have done darling? That's what I mean by stepping back, but now you've come to me and I feel like it's my chance to finally discuss things with you properly. I had to wait, I could never force you to confront these things with me."

"Mum...you're pretty amazing you know."

"No no don't be silly. I'm just a relieved Mum that's all."

"Relieved?"

"Yes relieved, that maybe you've finally found someone who has made you think that your life can be different if you want it to be."

"Molly you mean?"

"Who else dear? Certainly not Rebecca. I know she's the mother of my grandson and for that I will always hold her in high esteem, but other than that I know the way she is played a large part in you staying away."

"I think we can all acknowledge that."

"Mmm indeed."

"But Mum how does this help where I am now? What do I do?"

Jennifer sighed,

"Charles you are a Captain in the British Army, you have led missions that would terrify most people, you don't need me to tell you what to do, all I can do is advise you and you must not feel that you need to follow it. Your heart is what you need to follow."

"Sorry Mum, but that really doesn't help! Advise me then as you put it...please."

"Alright, the way I see it and remember I may be wrong, but before you met Molly you were set on staying in. You were ready for that next step and worrying more about how to tell us all when you came back that you were continuing as part of the army. Right?"

He nodded.

"Ok," she continued, "So now the change is this girl you've met. In the spirit of honesty I must tell you, I'm torn between throwing myself at her in gratitude and being jealous that she's been the one to make you want to stay home."

Charles smiled and came over to crouch by his Mother's chair.

"I feel like I should say sorry that I didn't consider you and Dad more."

"Absolutely not! You did the right thing, you made a life choice that suited you and you did a damn good job of living that life. Now sit down, that position will play havoc with your leg."

Charles promptly sat down on the sofa closest to Jennifer and allowed her to continue,

"I think you need to go to Kenya."

"What?! But you said, just now all that stuff about how you don't want me to go-"

"Charles calm down. Try and be logical for a minute. You need to go because you have committed to it. You've not committed to staying in past that short tour, but people are relying on you for this one. Also, as delighted as I am to hear about Molly who you are clearly smitten with, nothing has actually happened...has it? And you can spare me any gory details."

Charles's cheeks reddened, "No Mum...I've ehm...I've kissed her, but that was before she told me she couldn't go out with me."

"Right so nothing really has happened."

"It feels like it has though Mum. Believe me I know this sounds mental, but the time I've spent with her, it's like she's opened up something in me. I don't feel the same pent up darkness that I didn't even know I carried around."

"And what if you give up everything now without going to Kenya and it doesn't work out?"

"I know..." he sighed, "I know."

"So you go as planned, see how the 6 weeks go and then decide."

"I want to be with her mum."

"Then you'll still want that in 6 weeks and if not, you've still got the life you've had for 13 years."

"Ok." He heaved a shaky breath.

"I will ask one thing."

"What?"

"Don't tell Molly that you're having second thoughts about staying in?"

"You want me to lie?"

"No I don't mean that," she gripped his hand now, "from what you've told me this girl is as head over heels for you as you are for her-"

"I don't know that Mum honestly that's what makes this so hard."

"Trust me Charles. She obviously has a lot going on in her life, her own struggles, but you've got her to open up to you. She clearly feels very deeply for you, but she's not once asked you not to go to Kenya so you can be with her. She's put your choice ahead of her own feelings, it's a truly admirable quality."

"Then why shouldn't I just be honest with her?"

"You've told her you're going to make up your mind after 6 weeks and that's what you're going to do."

"But when I told her that I was sure I was staying in."

"And now you're not sure so you're still in the same position you told her you were. Please Charles take it from someone who has had first hand experience."

"Of what?"

"Of having the chance to have you home and safe snatched away."

"Oh...I didn't think..."

"It's ok darling I don't expect you to, but I must tell you, the joy I felt when you said you were resigning turned to despair pretty damn quickly. It was almost worse than living with you being away for 13 years, at least during that time I had no raised hopes to dash."

"I feel like I'm going to be deceiving her."

"Then tell her you're feeling unsure and you'll make a decision when you get back, but whatever you do don't give that poor girl false hope. We both know you thrive on being on tour, you might get to Kenya and rediscover that passion. Then you have to tell Molly that you changed your mind. She doesn't deserve heartbreak like that."

Jennifer rose to fetch another gin. She would have drank straight from the bottle if she thought it wasn't terribly improper.

Charles sat back, it was his turn to ponder now. He felt calmer than he had and more self-assured about his plan, but he still missed Molly, wanted to see her, hold her and not leave her. His Mum was right though, he had to see this through, it was the right thing to do and then he'd know for sure. Hopefully as a humanitarian mission it would be quite straightforward. He'd supported NGO's in refugee camps before and although it was a hard slog, it was very different to dodging bullets in Afghan. He wasn't ignorant to the danger of course, he just hoped that this time Lady Luck would be smiling on them and it would all go to plan.

He stood then and crossed the room. He enveloped his Mum in a hug and hoped that it communicated all the gratitude he felt.

"Thanks Mum," he whispered.

"Any time my darling." She squeezed him back tightly, "now you'll need a rest I bet, go and have a lie down and I'll fill your Father in when he gets back. No point in you having to tell the whole story again."

"I am knackered," admitted Charles.

"Off you go then, I'll keep some lunch back for you."

He kissed his Mother's forehead,

"Love you Mum."

"And I love you my sweet sweet boy."