The touch to his shoulder jerked him awake. He flinched, unaware that he had drifted off in his chair in the midst of the party in the officer's club, a fumarello still burning in his hand.
"I'm sorry, son," Adama said, "I didn't mean to disturb you, but I knew you would hate to waste a good smoke. Get some sleep; that's an order."
Starbuck lifted up the fumarello in a half salute. "Soon, that is if the enemy and my family will let me. Sorry about the songs," he offered up an apology, testing to see how much damage the Rats might have created with their angry lyrics and screaming guitars.
"No need to apologize. It was my request and it was," Adama hesitated as his face darkened for a micron. The look passed and he patted his shoulder. "It was informative. Good night."
"It was that," he thought to himself as he drew the fumarello to his lips, inhaling deeply as he surveyed the club. At this late hour it was mostly filled with those he considered friends, but those from Dilmun mingled near the bar while the Galactica pilots took up most of the better tables and chairs. The Sewer Rats had hidden themselves in a corner, laughing among themselves, talking half with their hands, and half with words.
"All these sectons, and the divisions still remained," he thought to himself shaking his head and taking a last drag then snuffing out his smoke, hoping to save the rest for another time. He really needed to follow up on that order given by the Commander for sleep, but at the moment he was afraid to move. He wasn't in pain, but worried that if he shifted, even a fraction, it would come racing in like a Cylon pinwheel attack. It was bad enough needing help out of the cockpit, but he really didn't like the idea that he was going to need some help out of this chair.
Looking across the room, he met Rene's eyes, tilting his head to indicate they should go. She nodded and headed towards him, the family in her wake.
The voice over his shoulder made him shift in his seat. "You've had a long day. So have I. You don't intend to do this every night on the Zakar do you?"
"That depends on how comfortable the chairs are in the Zakar's club. These are pretty amazing right now."
"Not as good as your bed." Apollo offered him a hand up for which Starbuck was grateful. He gripped it hard, and let his buddy do most of the work.
"Thanks," Starbuck mumbled before he offered an invitation to come back to the Council Chambers. He tried not to audibly sigh in relief when his friend turned him down.
"We have a briefing tomorrow in the morning and I have some tests to still run on the main engines. It will be another long day and I'm hoping to get some rest before things heat up here soon. Can't wait until you come over and take some of this work from me, freeing up some of my own time to party all night." Amusement danced in his eyes, both men knowing that Apollo participated more from friendship and obligation than from any real desire to listen to screaming guitars.
"If I have to hold your hair back while you get close and personal with the turbo flush one more time - " Starbuck teased, watching as the other pilots made their way over one by one to thank the Rats for the music. From his vantage point it appeared that Jake and the rest brushed off the compliments. He shook his head and tried to remind himself that they were all tired and not to read too much into anything, but his emotions were just as loud and diverse as the guitar riffs had been that evening.
"See he gets some sleep," Apollo said to Starbuck's new wing mate, who had come to join them.
"Yes, boss," Crius replied as he gave Starbuck a pat on the back and a nod of his head, his way of communicating that he would gather every one up before he headed towards the Rat's corner. Crius spoke to Rene first, and she lifted her head from her conversation, shifting her gaze across the club to Starbuck. He found himself looking away. She was having fun and lords he hated to end a good party. But truth be told, he wasn't up to the fight that they hadn't finished in the corridor. Silently, Rene came over to stand before him. He scanned her features just as deeply as she scanned his.
"Look, I think we need to have a talk, in the morning, and we can," he started, but his wife cut him off.
"I know you see things the way I do."
"Maybe," he said, conceding the point, pretty sure he knew what she was talking about, that some people did deserve to pay for what they had done in the past. "But I don't think you see the whole picture."
"Maybe." She nodded slowly before her eyes flashed a shade of green he'd never seen there before. "Maybe I see more than is there."
Starbuck closed his eyes, wincing, not wanting to believe what he'd seen in that flash of color. "I'm too tired to fight you tonight. Can we let everyone live until tomorrow?"
"Yes, husband, as you wish."
The words made him shudder. It wasn't what he wanted either, driving Rene to manipulate him to get her own way. He muttered her name in warning, "Rene, dammit. Don't believe his promises. Don't let him in."
She cast him a puzzled look. "The only one getting into anything is you into a bed. Come on." She held out her hand, and he hesitated, suddenly afraid that if he took it he'd be making a pact that he would later regret. He tried to ignore the voice in his head as it whispered, "She has a point. Someone should pay for what happened to Ari."
He gripped her hand and held on. He owed her, owed Ari, but hadn't they already paid? He could talk more sense into her and himself in the morning when he showed her the other threats that were looming on the horizon. They didn't need to kill anyone. They could let the Cylons even the score. Rene knew that better than anyone.
He only half heard the other pilot's remarks about leaving the party early as he let Rene guide him out of the club and down the corridor. His wife must have sent Lizbet ahead, because by the time they all made it to the Council chambers, blankets and pillows were already there, laid out up by the view screen under the stars for their impromptu slumber party. He groaned as he stripped off his flight jacket and flopped down into a plush chair at the head of the table and closed his eyes. He must have passed out right away as he was jolted awake as someone lifted his feet.
"Just me," Rene said softly unbuckling his boots and sliding them off his feet. She held out a hand to help him up out of the chair and it took him a moment to decide if he wanted to move at all. He was comfortable where he was despite the ache threatening to return in full force. But everyone else had bedded down on the floor, and he didn't want to be alone, not tonight. Once again he took her hand and let her lead him to the others.
Once he stretched out on the floor with the firm surface at his back, he found the ache was eased. Rather than this relaxing him off to sleep, he found that he was wide awake and his thoughts began racing, a jumble of the problems he'd dealt with in the past days with the enemy out there somewhere hiding in the stars, as well as the threats within the Galactica waiting to attack those he cared for. He pulled Rene to him, and she resisted, mumbling softly, "I don't want you to hurt more."
He nearly laughed at that. If she was so concerned about him, she would stop her plotting against his pilots and focus on just taking care of his child she carried. He saved his words for the morning, saying softly instead, "I don't care." He drew her into his arms, needing to feel her warmth and hoping her presence would inspire his mind to settle down. Stroking her hair, he tried to clear his head, but it seemed he was not the only one finding it hard to sleep.
"Which one is Caprica?" Jason's voice echoed in the dark empty chamber.
Crius supplied the answer that was on Starbuck's lips, "It's behind us. Can't see it from here. But that's Dilmun, over to the left, about six stars over and four stars down."
"It was nice there?" Cain asked. Starbuck found he was curious who would answer the boy and what they would have to say. He was surprised when it was Jason that answered.
"Yeah, sometimes. But it wasn't as nice as Caprica. Summer was really short."
"Summers were nicer on Piscera," Crius said sighing wistfully. "I miss the smell of the farm. Nothing like the sweet scent of fresh cut Picon hay."
They were all quiet for a moment before Nik spoke, "I miss summer nights by the lake."
"I miss sneaking out on warm summer nights and meeting up with my friends," Rene said.
"Those nights were fun," Jake echoed Starbuck's thoughts as memories of his own covert missions sneaking out of various foster homes late at night came to mind. How sweet those summer nights had been, when his biggest worry was getting caught and taking a thrashing from the old man who fostered him, or the extra labor he'd have to do to make up for it. It had all been worth it for those stolen moments on a starlit night.
"I miss the gal who would meet me there," Jake said wistfully, and Starbuck wondered if he should be jealous at what Rene's ex was insinuating. He shrugged the emotion away. He'd had his own young gals he'd met under the summer stars, a different one almost every time. Crius sighed dramatically and Boomer chuckled. Starbuck chuckled ruefully, realizing everyone had a past that was now long gone behind them.
"I miss homemade ice cream," Max added, shifting the conversation away from the topic of stolen nights and stolen kisses.
Rene groaned into Starbuck's chest. "Don't talk about food. I can't take the cravings. I would literally kill for some ice cream. Or a fresh peach, oh my lords, what I wouldn't give for a sun ripened peach."
The comment startled him. Up to this point, Rene had made no mention of any discomforts with the pregnancy, other than to chastise him when he looked too long at her growing belly. She had even found a solution for the uniform problem, sticking with the flight deck baggy jumpsuit, and getting her boots to buckle by rapping her shins on a chair leg. He had begun to think maybe it was just old tales where women craved ice cream and pickles, but maybe there was some truth to it. Could he find any ice cream, he wondered? How much would a peach cost him? He certainly had the cubits now to afford it.
"My mother made the best peach pie," Boomer said, interrupting his thoughts.
"Not better than my mom's. She'd drizzle it with thick honey cream," Lizbet rejoined.
"My mom made strawberry pie. No one else made strawberry pie and it was sweet and…" Cain had joined in, but his voice cracked and he halted. They all seemed to wait in anticipation for the young man to finish, but his next breath came out as a strangled sob.
The boy's ragged breathing echoed in the chamber as the kid tried to control his grief. Starbuck had never known what to do after the destruction when those around him were dealing with their grief. He'd counted himself lucky at not having had anyone to mourn, unless you counted Aurora, and had felt awkward with most of his friends. He'd dealt with it by trying to forge a deeper bond with Athena, but in hindsight, her rejection had wounded him almost as deeply, if not more so, than the destruction itself. Perhaps that was the attraction of Cassie at the time. She didn't seem to be mourning anyone either, and had seen the destruction as an opportunity for a second chance. Maybe that was what drew him to Rene as well. The end of the world had been a new beginning for her as well.
But the sobs that Cain tried to stifle, were a sober reminder that for others, nothing would ever be the same again. He knew he should do something, or say something, but he didn't know what he could do to ease the boy's pain. How did one deal with the loss of a parent? He'd been trying his whole life to figure that out. It was his greatest fear with the baby on the way, could he keep himself and Rene alive long enough for the kid to grow up, or would it wind up being another orphan? For half a micron he wished he'd thought to use some protection those first few times. A battlestar was no place for a baby, but if not here, then where? "This is the safest place to be, isn't it?" he reasoned to himself as he listened to Cain's muffled tears.
The coordinates to Earth came unbidden to him, a shining hope that maybe they would find it soon, and his son or daughter would grow up safe and free under sun filled skies with both parents. If they found Earth soon, he could give Cain a home to fight for.
As Rene patted his chest and moved away getting up to go to Cain, Starbuck let out the breath he'd been holding. Was it cowardice that kept him from going with her? He propped himself up and couldn't take his eyes away from the scene of Rene sitting down beside the young man, placing a hand on his shoulder as she murmured comforting words.
They were the common platitudes he'd heard often after the destruction, that those Cain loved were in a better place and still looking out for him, but as she continued, the words were different. They would be disturbing to others, but the Rats had a different way of looking at the universe.
"You will join them soon enough. You won't miss them for long and you can take out a few of the tin heads along the way. Revenge feels so sweet, and you're not in this alone. You've got us. We will always watch your back. Let some of us pave the way first, okay? Just hold on a little bit longer. Make your death count for something. Make your mom proud. Make us proud. You can do that, can't you? You have brothers and sisters counting on you. Your other family is still there, but we're here now."
Wiping at his eyes, Cain mumbled an apology, but Rene ignored it. She looked up to Starbuck, a pleading in her eyes, but he didn't understand what she was asking of him or how to answer. Before he could voice his confusion, Crius spoke.
"I was scared as snot the night before I went to the Academy. I had no clue what I was in for. I actually thought about staying on the farm rather than going. You were scared too, weren't you, Bucko?"
He shook his head, remembering the excitement he had felt that night. He'd surprised himself by falling asleep fast, and waking long before dawn. When his foster parents knocked on his door to wake him, he was packed and ready. He wolfed down the breakfast they made him, a rarity in that house, and bound out the door, never to look back. He wasn't surprised when he received word at his first posting that his foster mom had passed, and then the mean old man. They'd been pretty old when they took him in, and he'd ruined all their plans of him taking care of them in their old age when he'd said he was going to the academy. The distant relationship had become almost hostile before he'd left. He didn't wish them dead, but wasn't surprised by the news either.
He couldn't help out Crius or Rene. He couldn't pretend he'd been even a little bit frightened at the prospect of the Academy. He just shrugged again as Boomer spoke up, following Crius's example of trying to help Cain to feel normal in his worry about the next day.
"I couldn't sleep or eat. But it all turned out to be for nothing. The service does a good job at not giving you time to be afraid, or to do anything other than what they tell you to do. You'll be okay come morning, you'll see."
Crius followed up the words with his own, "You're just going to be down the corridor from us. I'll check up on you. Heck, I think Starbuck might be your instructor at some point. You're going to be okay kid."
Cain mumbled a sheepish "thanks," and Rene squeezed his shoulder before getting up and coming back to Starbuck's side. She snuggled in a little tighter and Starbuck held her close, whispering to her, "Good job." He wanted to express so much more than the two words, to tell her he'd noticed all she did for the family, that he appreciated it, but something about how tight she held him and the fact that she wouldn't meet his eyes kept him silent. Things would be different for his kids, he vowed looking out towards the stars. He knew the coordinates and the course was set. He would get them there.
The roller coaster of emotions from the day had wiped him out, and before he could think of what more to say, he was out. In his dreams he somehow understood that he was sleeping, as the images played before him like a televid. He was watching their actions back on Caprica, his viper transitioning suddenly from the dark of space to the planet below him. He was racing through the sewers, following Rene down a dark path, chasing her around a blind corner as the light faded and the tunnel narrowed. Suddenly he found himself in his viper, launching with little fuel as the enemy was bearing down on him. He felt the jolt of a blast and he was free of his viper and tumbling down a hillside.
He woke with an impact, the breath knocked from him as Rene's voice called out "No!"