A/N: I wrote this completely tongue-in-cheek piece of total silliness quite a few months ago, but after coming across it again the other day, I decided I might as well post it - and since today is the one year anniversary of the original chapter of this fic, today seemed like as good a time as any. Enjoy some E/C crack!

Erik lay next to his wife in their darkened bedroom, content to simply watch his darling Christine sleep for a bit. The tangles in her blonde hair and the fact that his new coat was discarded carelessly upon the floor were evidence of the intimacies that they had shared that evening, proof that his occasionally disordered mind hadn't invented this entire scenario. Christine really was here with him, and not only that, she loved him. And even more incredibly, she desired him.

In fact, Christine mostly took the lead in their sexual relationship, from engineering scenes for them to enact as she had tonight, to acquiring various accessories that she thought would be enjoyable for them to use in the bedroom. And Erik was fine with all of it; he was more than happy to do anything she wanted as long as she continued to have sex with him, if he was completely honest with himself about the matter.

After his visit to M. Butler earlier today, however, Erik now had a secret, albeit one that would please Christine greatly eventually. Although he had visited the actor to chastise him over the ridiculously muscular physique he had sported while playing an even more bastardized version of that idiot Lloyd Webber's absurd portrayal of him, as well as to take him to task for his far too high number of appearances in the fanfictional stories Erik and Christine enjoyed reading together, the conversation had taken a turn that even Erik, as intelligent as he was, hadn't anticipated.

M. Butler was actually a friendly enough person, although Erik found it disconcerting that his visit hadn't upset the man more. Instead, he had taken it disturbingly in stride, and even sent Erik on his way with a gift, a relic of his days from portraying the Phantom.

Thoughts of the item that he had carefully concealed from Christine when he arrived back home earlier drove Erik temporarily from her side, and he stole into the living room to investigate his new source of knowledge more thoroughly.

xxxxx

The following evening, Christine lay sprawled on the huge bed that she and Erik shared while he used his fingers and tongue in all the ways that she liked best. When he finally settled his mouth between her legs, she shamelessly spread them even wider as she tenderly cradled his death's-head to her, loving the things her husband did to her.

It was hard for her to believe that there had ever been a time she found him ugly - now when she looked at him, she only saw her soulmate, the man she was fated to love for all time.

Erik distracted her from her emotional musings when he settled his nearly lipless mouth over her clit and started suckling gently, moaning "Christine" as he pleasured her.

"Oh, yes," she cried as she wiggled against him, wanting more of his beautiful voice. No matter how many games they played, there was nothing that turned Christine on more than hearing her husband tell her the various things he wanted to do to her while they were in bed. "Talk to me, my love," she implored him, gently caressing the sparse strands of hair on his skull.

Erik knew exactly what she wanted, pulling back from her slightly to look her in the eye, his golden gaze burning into hers. "Christine needs her Erik, doesn't she?"

"God, yes," she moaned in answer, closing her eyes as his tongue found her again, licking gently around her clit. "That feels so good, Erik."

"Mmm," he all but purred against her, "you love it when Erik uses his tongue on your special spot, don't you, Christine?"

What? Christine was losing herself in the pleasure of Erik's mouth on her, but his strange choice of words brought her back to reality a little. Why would he call her clit her special spot? And why had he said it with such a pronounced inflection?

When he continued licking her, Christine closed her eyes and let herself drift again, forgetting Erik's strange choice of words, especially when he slid a finger inside of her. "You're getting close, aren't you, Christine?" he asked, continuing to play her body like it was one of his instruments.

As she answered him with an incoherent moan, Christine saw Erik draw back from her, smiling in triumph as he gazed at her slick folds. "Christine is so pretty here. She likes it when Erik uses his mouth on her womanly opening, doesn't she?"

Again, Christine found herself pulled partially out of the moment by Erik's bizarre words. The man normally used every vulgar phrase known to mankind to describe her vagina, and she loved when he did so, so why on earth was he using such dumb and completely unsexy phrases? Trying not to lose the mood, she shut her eyes, but Erik unfortunately continued speaking.

"And after this, I'm going to empty my pecker in your Mound of Venus, Christine. Erik can't wait to release inside that pretty, puffy cubby of yours."

Completely revolted by this point, Christine found herself pushing Erik away from her. "What the hell, Erik? Why the fuck are you talking this way?"

"I was trying to be sexy for you, Christine! Erik learned some new phrases to try to spice things up."

Closing her eyes in frustration, Christine gritted out, "Let me be clear, Erik. Things are plenty spicy between us, but if you keep talking like this, we are never having sex again."

Christine almost felt bad at the hurt look that flashed over Erik's eyes, but she held her ground - it was imperative that he understand a repeat of this behavior would not be welcome.

"Very well," he agreed sulkily. "I was just trying out something that I was told from a good source that many women find sexy."

Christine closed her eyes once again. No matter how much she loved him, life with her husband could be very trying on occasion. "Erik, I think you better explain to me where you found this information, because I would really like to know."

xxxxx

When Erik re-entered their bedroom a few moments later, he was carrying what appeared to be a book. Reaching for her glasses on the nightstand, Christine took it when he handed it to her, realizing it wasn't a completely bound book but instead appeared to be a manuscript with a wide black ribbon tied around it.

"What is this?"

"It was a gift from M. Butler. It's a novel written for him by a fan. He said I could have it as he has a copy of the published work as well."

Paging through it at random, Christine's eyes widened as she absorbed some of the contents. "Erik, this is a fanfic, and not a very good one, to be honest."

"No, it's a published novel, Christine. People pay $7 American to buy it on Amazon. And it has many rave reviews - here, I'll show you," he said, reaching for his phone.

"See," he said triumphantly as she looked doubtfully at the reviews. "One reader described it as 'an instructional manual on lovemaking'. And look! An entire book club read it and loved it!"

"Erik, there's no way that can possibly be true. This is not sexy - we've read much sexier stories posted on the internet for free. Did you really think this sounded sexy?"

"Well, to be honest, not really," he answered slowly, "but M. Butler assured me that this is the kind of thing that women like. And he should know, considering the legion of fans that want to throw themselves at him."

Shaking her head, Christine looked at him. "Alright, Erik, we are going to forget that you ever said the words cubby and pecker in the bedroom, and never speak of this again. I think M. Butler might have been having a laugh at your expense."

Looking affronted, Erik protested, "No, I don't think so, Christine. He seemed so nice and helpful."

Christine merely returned his gaze, letting Erik think the matter through on his own, until she saw the realization dawn on his face.

"You know, you may be right, Christine. Perhaps I'll have to pay M. Butler another visit. He needs to learn that Erik is not to be trifled with."

A/N: Well, I hope you got a laugh out of this! As always, thank you for reading, and please feel free to let me know what you thought in the comments :)