Chapter 1: Prelude to Misery

Ashley Graham had been through a war.

Her head was buried against Leon's back because she simply didn't have the strength to hold it up anymore. The time she had spent since she was kidnapped had taken its toll on her body and mind. She had spent so much time running and fighting on an empty stomach that her body simply didn't have the energy it needed to hold on for much longer.

"Must be close…" She heard him say, although his voice sounded distant over the roar of the engine. Her eyes were closed against the unrelenting sun, and she welcomed the wash of maroon light that protected her gaze. Her body was one full ache, ceaselessly pulsing and throbbing with each wave they jumped. She was riding the waves, drifting in and out of her thoughts.

"Can you hear me? Ashley?"

The word was more of a command then a question, but it was the sensation of abruptly falling, the one that happens just as you are about to fall asleep, that caused her eyes to burst open against the brightness of the sky. She felt her fingers slip from around him and she fumbled to grasp the slippery material of his shirt with her numb fingers.

"I'm here…" she said, surprised by how her voice croaked out the words. The brightness of the sun made her want to disappear and she fought to stay focused on staying as alert as possible. She didn't want to fall off the jet ski again because she wasn't sure she'd have the strength to get back on it if she did.

She was dimly aware of him repeating himself but was too consumed with how weak she felt. She knew that the lack of food, water, and sleep had finally caught up with her. If her thoughts would allow for alarm, she would be acutely frightened of just how dangerously dehydrated she was. Her body and the trials it had undergone had taken its toll and these final hours riding in the salty sea air had sucked the remaining moisture from her body. She was reflecting on her exhaustion when Leon called to her again.

"Stay with me!" She finally heard him shout, her focus wavering as she fought to surface from the oblivion her mind had been occupying. She cleared her throat, groaning, as she shifted her hips on the seat in pain.

"I'm here…" she mumbled more forcefully, her eyes slowly drifting closed against the burning of the sun.

Gone was the energy that had sustained her, the adrenaline from the heat of battle, and now she was barely hanging on. The constant jets of water that struck her skin felt more like slaps then soothing coolness on her skin. It grated at her, eroding her energy as she and the jet ski went to war with natures ceaseless currents.

"Hold on for a little longer." He said shortly as if sensing her wavering strength. His voice was clipped and sharp even as his hand snaked out to grab hers and press them firmly against his abdomen. He felt her jerk with the sudden touch but disregarded it.

She felt him flex his fingers against hers and sighed, a smile tipping lazily at the corner of her lips as she murmured against his back, "I will." As she spoke a wave of warmth washed over her from the heat and from the strength she felt emanating from his touch. A dull feeling of certainty spread through her as she heard herself say with some conviction, "I promise."

"Save your strength." He said after a long silence and for a time they were both alone with their thoughts. As she started to wonder if they were getting close, or even going in the right direction, she realized she had spoken aloud as he said gruffly, "Trust me.", and she did.

She trusted him to protect her and have her back, of that there was no doubt. When he said he would save her he truly meant it and there was something so powerful in the certainty that he would never stop until he did just that. There had been no man who had ever been tested as Leon had and he met each turn with courage that had to be admired.

Her courage, on the other hand, could have been better. She had praised herself in rare moments throughout their experiences because she hadn't always fallen apart. She hadn't been totally useless. In her defense, she endured some of the most horrific things a person could probably imagine, let alone someone whose experience with scary situations included dealing with overbearing paparazzi and the fear of someone else's safety—namely her father, The President of the United States.

The thought of her father gave her a soft twinge of homesickness. Not just for her father, but the comfortable life she had known before she was kidnapped. The safety she had felt sleeping at night and the certainty that her father would do anything to protect her. The belief that the world was a safe, sane, predictable place.

That truth had been revealed and her charmed life had been obliterated. She couldn't even mourn the loss; she was too numb. How would she ever return to any sense of normalcy?

"It isn't much farther." Leon said with just the barest trace of relief. If she hadn't known him better, she would have thought him emotionless in this moment but after everything they had been through, she was certain that he was simply felt as exhausted as she did. Although he seemed to draw from a limitless supply of adrenaline whenever needed, she knew that his battery was likely close to dead at this point.

She was silent but nodded against the heat of his back. The fabric burned at her skin, and she tucked her cheek down letting the wind blow into her face and whip her greasy hair about her face. How many weeks since her last shower? It was a disgusting reality of her experience in Spain that there was a limit on available clean water and sanitary conditions. You couldn't stay clean, not with that much blood on your hands.

Of course, she had taken "bird baths" as her mother had called them. She had done the best with her hygiene while on the run and had stopped many times to clean her face in bathrooms whenever they were in a building with running water. As she splashed water across her face and arms, she would often catch a glimpse of herself in the mirror. She couldn't really say what she thought about her image—but always was the vision of blood and serum covering her. All parts of her. Everywhere. Everywhere…

A memory threatened to resurface but whatever remaining shreds of sanity she had leftover allowed the memory to stay hovering just below the surface of her recall. Instead, she shuddered, withdrawing into herself more. She wasn't afraid, she was just numb all over and unable to really hold onto many thoughts.

Her thoughts drifted to the day she had been kidnapped. She didn't remember much, only that the men she had known for years who had protected her were all dead and she would never see them again. The horror of their deaths had long since disappeared behind a wall she dared not climb, but in its place was awe for the man who had showed up in that room to rescue her instead.

Leon's kindness and patience, however fleeting at some moments, were a reassurance and comfort to her when she was at her breaking points. She had grown to depend on him for safety, clinging to him in terror at nearly every stage like an infant. Even now she wasn't certain what the future held when she arrived on the shoreline, just like all those other horrific moments when she was faced with separation from Leon during this. The thought of it caused her to tighten her feeble grip around his waist sadly.

Would she have felt this way had it been any other man that had come to save her, and could any man ever hope to compare? Was it Leon the "man" or the circumstances surrounding their shared trauma that caused her heart to ignite with such loneliness at the thought of their separation? There was no denying the special place where Leon was lodged in her heart, but she wondered now, as she anticipated the loss of him, if she would ever be able to find anyone to remotely trust another soul again.

She sighed heavily, her breath sagging out of chest as she felt the knowledge that she was probably finally safe swept over her with another wave of heat. Leon was the strongest person she would ever know, and he had accomplished his duty and secured her safety from her captors. When she arrived at the shore what would happen next? She wanted to ask him, but she couldn't find the energy to speak again just yet.

Besides, her thoughts of home had become a distant memory. For so long now all that had existed was her nightmares- her nightmares and Leon. The truth of her reality was only that those two things existed, and it had been that way for how long now? She couldn't remember. All she knew was that everything was dangerous, and nothing would ever be the same again.

"I see the shore!" Leon yelled over the roar, both hands returning to the handlebars to steer it in the waves. She felt the comfortable haze evaporate as his hand pulled away from hers abruptly, shaking her from her thoughts.

She knew they were basically still strangers, but the impending sense of doom at the unknown future extended within her being like the black hole of her dreams, threatening to swallow her entire essence. When she pictured home, she pictured nothing. Nothing aroused an image for her, and she felt- nothing.

"Ashley, look." He commanded and she was pulled from her dark place and peeked one shuttered eye open, squinting in the blinding sun to see a barely perceptible curve of white along the horizon. She should have felt relief, but all she felt was that black hole, extending out of her heart into her chest.

"We're almost there." He said, a note of worry edging into his voice although he didn't speak any further. She knew she should reassure him and begin to tell him all the things she needed to say before they parted. But where to begin? In the fog of her thoughts, she couldn't secure any one thought for very long.

Blinking into the present she thought again of what it was about Leon that was so special to her. Of course, he was kind. He was patient. She cried so many times and well, he'd been mostly patient and when he hadn't it had been because he couldn't. He had been more then stern when he needed her to toughen up, but he hadn't been unkind. He had been unlike any person she had ever met in her entire life.

He was young, incredibly handsome, and fit. That wasn't exactly like her previous bodyguards prior to the election. She would have smiled at the thought if she had the energy. Perhaps, she often wondered during their time in Spain, being the president's daughter now afforded her special privileges and protections? Perhaps that is why Leon had been assigned to her. He had special skills, that much had been clear. She knew she had idealized him, but how could she not?

Even when he was impatient, which he often was, she often found it for good reason even if sometimes it didn't exactly stop her terror. There were other times, however, when she would be crying, and he would be kind and comforting to her. He had such a fierce sense of professionalism that he had often been offhanded and cursory—at least in the beginning, but somewhere along the line it changed. Somewhere he had softened towards her.

Nothing about their time together was even remotely based on normalcy. Would he still be her bodyguard when she returned home? She couldn't imagine what a normal life would look like, especially with him in it. He seemed so oddly out of place in her memory of what her mundane life at school and at home had been before she was taken. She wondered what they would even have in common and how someone with his specialized skills would be assigned to such basic duties. When she tried to picture a future where she went to school, and Leon followed her around, she could only picture that black hole beneath her feet.

"You'll be home soon." He said, something about his tone sending a pang of anxiety through her heart. She couldn't imagine what waited for her on the shores of tomorrow, let alone the ones rapidly approaching, but something about his tone sounded… final. It was disconcerting considering it has always been "we" before now. What did that mean?

She felt the black hole expanding further until it spread to her belly, a sinking feeling overtaking her heart. Distantly she heard a tinkling sound, but she couldn't place from where and knew somehow that it was part of her memories—her new reality from Spain. She was slowly drifting into a sort of twilight of being awake but not awake as another wave of heat swept from her toes to her head.

What would be there on the beach, she wondered? Who would be there? What was going to happen next? She felt a part of her yearning to weep but she found no tears springing to her eyes and knew there would be none. She couldn't cry, not like crying would make her feel any better anyway. She felt the urge to cry but couldn't place the feeling behind it exactly.

In the deepest corner of her mind, she knew that crying had always made her feel inadequate and weak. Her tears, in contrast to Leon's stoicism, felt like weakness, if not inexperience. She had gotten quite used to them pouring out unbidden during her time in Spain. If she had any spare fluids she might have cried. But why?

Was it because she knew she was going to have to say goodbye? As much as the thought of home had sustained her, it hadn't felt truly achievable and now that it had, she didn't know what she wanted. One thing was clear, even in her dazed state, Leon had made his desires abundantly clear.

Her own words drifted up from the darkness, "So uh, after you take me back to my place, how about we do some… uh… overtime…?"

She cringed, groaning as the memory resurfaced despite her attempts to banish it in the first hour of their trip. He had scoffed and said sorry in a monotone voice that was cold and distant. He had already shut her out, and down the wall of professionalism went. She couldn't see his face to read his expression, but she felt the tension, hard as rock, radiating from his body.

Leon had done more than anyone could reasonably expect from a special agent, and she knew that the relationship between them had evolved into something more than hero and damsel in distress. There had been boundaries that had flexed or shattered entirely in moments of crisis, vulnerability, and terror. If nothing else, they had become friends brought together despite the role he was meant to play in her life as her bodyguard.

"Mission complete!" she had yelled happily, unable to control the surge of joy that washed over her weary body. He had calmly responded that he still had to get her home and the coolness of his tone felt like a slap of rejection. Had to get HER home? They were both alive and headed there together, or were they not? Or perhaps they were to be separated and that home wasn't where the heart was. Her heart was clearly with Leon.

Yet, maybe this experience has brutalized Leon as it has me, she thought dimly, although she didn't believe it. She remembered the many times he had kept his cool, and the things that he had said even in passing about his previous experience. He had kept it light, cursory, professional—for the most part. There was only so much professionalism to be had in the moments that had passed between them when they were alone.

A jostling of the machine as it hit a wave startled her and Leon fought to control the motion as they got closer to shore. The waves were becoming more concentrated and the speckling of rainbow dots on the horizon began to deepen into simple shapes in her blurred vision. She found herself focusing on them to formulate a coherent thought. Somewhere inside she felt the spark of hopefulness she had felt when she had first raced off on the jet ski.

The closer they came to the shore, the tenser her muscles became and the more she began to fear what would greet her. Would they finally be safe? Where were they? As they approached the beach, she could see the shapes begin to resemble human figures. She saw arms, and what looked like bobbing black dots in the currents. Were some of them curious about the jet ski that was hurtling towards the beach? No matter what happened she knew that Leon would keep her safe so long as he was with her.

The thought of their impending separation, however, caused her to abruptly grab onto Leon tighter, her arms snaking up his chest to grasp him as if doing so would prevent him from physically leaving her. As her arms fumbled around him, she recognized, at some distant level, that her strength had fled her and that she was holding on with borrowed time.

Leon started to say something, but she lost his words as a swirl of warmth flooded up her body, rolling over her like a heat wave and descending on her vision painting it black. It was too hot outside, she was too dehydrated, and her strength was gone. She tried to focus on his words, but she was just too exhausted to pay attention.

She felt Leon kill the throttle as the jet ski came to a rolling stop on a cresting wave, shifting its backside forward and nearly tipping her over. She gasped, barely holding on as she saw stars. Leon grabbed her hands and pulled them from around his waist, and her arms felt empty as they reached for anything to steady herself in his absence. Her gaze fell upon the bobbing of faces around them as she struggled to stay upright.

Leon stood on the jet ski, swinging one leg over the side to jump smoothly into the warm water with a loud splash. He was waist deep in the shallow water as he swept his gaze searchingly along the horizon for the calvary. Turning back to Ashley he reached one hand up to help her down just as a wave crested behind her, hitting the jet ski on the broadside, and toppling her over into the water without so much as a yelp of surprise.

"Ashley!" Leon yelled as she didn't immediately fight to surface. The water was like a slap in the face as it rushed over her fevered flesh. He scooped her up, her hair sticking to her face as she sputtered and coughed up ocean water. She felt electricity spiking through her limbs as the blood flow rushed to the unused areas of her body that had gone numb from lack of movement.

"Here, let me help you." He said, reaching his hands out to grasp her by the arms to hold her upright. She felt the undeniable strength of his hands send a different kind of heat racing across her skin.

Struggling to stand on her feet, Ashley felt the steady strength of Leon's arms reach out to hold her up, his hands sending a different kind of warmth racing across her skin. Her blurred gaze fell to his gloved fingers, the texture abrading her burned skin. The pain was nothing like what she was feeling from what she knew had to happen next.

"Ashley, are you okay?" Leon asked, his concerned gaze sweeping over her.

Fighting through the haze she nodded, saltwater lapping at her skirt as he attempted to escort her towards the shore. Her boots dragged in the sand as she struggled to move her shaking legs through the water's current. Waves descended upon them, threatening to knock her off her feet if not for the strength of Leon's hand holding her up. Despite his help, a wave larger the rest crested right at her back and sent her flying forward with a gasp of surprise.

Swinging her around and not letting her loose, Leon looped an arm around her shoulders as she brought her eyes up to meet his gaze, grazing the contours of his chest and collarbone before settling on his face. She couldn't place the expression she found there in her befuddled state but the look he gave her, combined with the pressure of his arm around her shoulders, made her heart flutter like a bird against a cage.

"Are you okay?" he repeated, concern edging into his voice, his eyes searching hers.

Shame filled her as she investigated his face, her vision swimming and dimming as the waves rocked their stationary bodies. She couldn't believe she had offered herself to him in such a flippant way only hours before and now she wanted to throw herself into his arms again even knowing he had rejected her. Her heart panged with sadness despite the haze she was in.

"Oh god," she thought, "Am I… in love with Leon?" The realization made her want to cry for some absurd reason and instead she let out a little laugh and winced at how bitter it sounded.

"Ashley?" he said, his gaze reflecting confusion. She didn't have words to say to him. He had been forced to endure so many things thanks to her and mixed in with the deep feelings of gratitude was an enormous sense of guilt that threatened to choke her. Mixed in with the guilt was a certainty that once they were parted, she would never be able to tell him how she felt.

"Let's just say she's a part of me that I can't let go…"

The memory of his words brought her eyes defiantly up to his and with great effort she shrugged off his hands, pushing at his chest to put some breathing space between them. She swatted his hand away when he reached out to her and watched his expression darken from confusion to something unreadable. Shivering despite the heat of the sun, she placed her hands hard against her chest trying to stop the fierce beating of her heart. She knew it was somewhat irrational to be angry after everything he'd done but she felt anger at the situation if nothing else.

"You don't have to keep taking care of me." She said stiffly despite the trembling of her limbs where the water lapped. She was determined to make a break with him now and spare her heart any further heartbreak. If she couldn't have him, which he had made very clear wasn't a possibility, she needed to learn to live without him. But could she?

"What are you talking about?" He said, his hands reaching out to grab her, but she stumbled backwards a step, her boots sticking into the sand. His rejection of overtime made her feel small but knowing that the woman in the red dress held some part of his heart, that she couldn't, made her miserable inside. She felt incredibly naïve and childish.

"I'm saying that I'll be okay from here on out." She said softly. A distant echo played in her head, a tune her mother used to hum that her father had made into a custom music box, and she had a surreal feeling of being disassociated from her body. If she could only be stronger, she could walk away from him now and be done. Couldn't she?

"What are you talking about?" he said flatly, "you aren't home yet." His tone was clipped and stern as he stepped towards her. She felt her insides start to burn and she fought the urge to faint. Her mind was swimming with thoughts of him and of all the time they'd been together on that nightmare island. She had to leave him now or she might just…

Backing away slowly she said, "I meant it Leon, I don't need you to-".

"Stop it!" He yelled, striding forward quickly to grab her by the arm and jerk her towards him, his hand pressing onto her shoulders with pressure she couldn't resist, and she stumbled towards him. Her vision swam with dizziness as she heard him say something angrily as she careened wildly into his chest. Bouncing off him she looked up into his eyes and saw determination and something else there.

"Leon I can't!" she started to say but he pulled her closer and despite her protests she couldn't find the strength to fight him. She didn't want to, in truth.

"Stop arguing." He said roughly against her hair. She sighed, sinking into his chest weakly, realizing that she didn't have the strength to get even a few steps away, let alone to the beach. She realized she didn't even want to try.

The warmth of the afternoon sun contrasted with the coolness of the water and did nothing to calm her fevered flesh. She was fluctuating on waves of warmth and cold, the ocean rocking the press of their bodies. The horror and the disappointment of the past weeks did not end now. Would it ever end? Would she ever be free from that island, that cult, that nightmare? Maybe here, in his arms, she could…

"Ashley?" Leon's voice barely reached her ears as she began to slump against him. All the exhaustion and stress had caught up to her at last.

"Leon… I…" she mumbled, her vision darkening. His face was above her, worry clearly etched in the lines around his face. It was a relief to see that unnatural mask lifted from his features. This was the face that made her heart glow with comfort when she saw it. Those eyes said so many things that neither of them could understand about each other, not yet anyway. Not now. Maybe not ever.

She felt her lips moving but she couldn't hear any sounds other than the rising roar of the waves. The deafening silence was overwhelming to her senses. She tried to mumble something to him—tried to tell him how she felt but her lips felt swollen and her throat thick. She wanted to thank him. She wanted to promise to never forget him or what he had done for her. How much she cared for him. So many things she wanted to say but her lips weren't responding to her.

She felt her head fall backwards, her body arching against his as she felt her entire form weakening and going limp as wave upon wave of heat washed over her body, making her vision swim and blur against the blue sky and the floating clouds above her. Her hair fell away from her face in clumps, catching in the wind as her vision turned into swirling tones of grey and black. And then-

Nothing.

…

2-9-2022