A/N: I'm super thankful to everyone who supported, reacted and commented on this story all this time! Sorry for the snail's pace. Juggling six mini-stories within a story is a juggernaut task for someone with next to no free time. I just have a lot on my plate. This story started out as a mental fart and crackfic exercise but I decided to continue and see where it goes from here on out.
Akatsuki Daycare Squad C5: Neighborhood Welcome Party pt. 1
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"Alright, I guess that's about it for this month. Unless, you have qualms about the renovations of our neighborhood gymnasium." The president spoke, as he stacked and stuffed the papers inside an envelope. The weekend homeowner association's meeting was bland and standard — as was expected.
"Anything else that needs addressing?" He scanned the length of the table. Usually, his fellow board members would shake their heads, eager to head out for lunch, but now they were frozen and exchanging stares, wordlessly conjuring a brave soul to raise the matter on their behalf.
A wife kicked her husband's shin, who stuttered "Uhm, a-actually, about the newcomers."
"What about them?" asked the head. When the husband failed to come up with an answer, the woman across from him took over. She appeared regal, poised, and confident. "We've been talking to residents of Buildings A, C and D. There seems to be a handful of them so–
"We're thinking of hosting a welcoming party." One of the other board members interrupted. With a side glance, he insinuated: Away with the embellishments woman, get straight to the point. The woman briefly glared at the man, who seemed to be her rival.
"And when would this party be?"
"This coming Saturday." The same woman answered earlier, much to her rival's vex.
"Is that so?" The homeowner president curiously laid his head on his propped hand. "Then it's best if we set up quickly." Then he chuckled as the board members exchanged a flurry of whispers and sighs of relief "They must be interesting, for penthouse gals and lads like you to be so enthusiastic at…welcomes."
"Come to think of it, it's been days and we haven't personally met them. When will the invitations be ready?"
The room quieted again, with other board members fidgeting and shuffling. The rival penthouse lad pointed at the regal one "Actually, Kana has them ready." Kana gasped. She did not appreciate being thrown under the bus like that. Still, she nodded to confirm that the invitations were available.
The president responded with mirth and playful intrigue "Hmm, you must be dying to meet them. Now I'm dying to know why."
…
Though the mission was undercover, they were not exactly the blend in kind of bunch. It didn't take long for the first neighbors to notice the "constantly bickering couple with a blue-tinged fish for a son." 0609 Building D had rarely been silent ever since the Yamanaka and Inuzka moved in.
"Kiba, how frickin hard is it to throw your dirty underwear in the laundry basket? Why do you keep leaving them on the floor?"
"I told you I hung it on the bedpost. It just fell!"
"Yeah right." It's the least of the Yamanaka's concerns. Because it's still underwear. It's still nasty.
"What are you so hung up about?"
"Well, excuse me for not wanting to turn every house I live in into my personal pigsty!"
"God you're so annoying!" Kiba stomped outside the bedroom and slammed the door. Kisame was just slurping cereal at the dining table, pretty much used to their yelling. It was the most reliable indicator that they were awake…also alive. According to his observation, this argument was equivalent to a wake-up stretch.
Kiba absent-mindedly muzzled Kisame's head as he passed by, searching the cupboards and pots for anything else. When he realized only the cereal was available, he took his bowl and poured it, spilling quite enough pieces to irritate Ino once more, who was just exiting the previous room. The Inuzuka guiltily scooped the pieces of cereal and dropped it in his bowl. Some pieces rolled onto the floor which he quickly swiped and ate in front of his spouse whose face was cherry-red enraged.
"Ughhh, why did I get stuck with a slob like you?!" Fortunately, the doorbell rang and it diverted Ino's attention "Tsunade-sama, I swear–" To her surprise, she was met with a couple of middle-aged neighbors. They had quivering smiles "Hello, we're just neighbors from the other house over there. Everything alright?"
"Oh. Uhm, yeah. Just the usual with my husband." The blonde gritted her teeth. Behind her was her hand that signaled Kiba to approach. The Inuzuka rubbed his milk-drenched chin onto his two-day-old sleeve as he walked towards her. "We're alright. Sorry for the noise"
"No! That's perfectly fine. My husband and I are actually the same. But that's coz he's a 'lil old and deaf. Ain't ya, hun?"
Ino snaked her arm around Kiba's waist and reigned him in. He has not yet recovered from this sudden gesture when Ino continued "Well my sweetheart isn't deaf…just a little hard on the head. Right, sweetie?"
Sweetie? It sounded endearing, yet venomous at the same time. Ino's side glances told him to play along. Reluctantly, he replied "Yes…sweetie."
"So what brings you here?"
"Oh, word is there's plenty of new tenants 'round here. There's gon' be a welcoming party for you guys. Them board members handed out these invitations. Thought of personally bringing them, in case you need backup."
"That's really kind of you Mrs..?"
"Himiko. And my hubby's Hisoka. 'round here we're just old Mr. & Mrs. H."
"I'm Ino." She said. She seemed like such a sweet, harmless young woman in front of them, clutching him quite comfortably it weirded him out. Suddenly, he realized the Yamanaka had never touched him like this before. His sides were pinched, causing him to mutter "I-I'm Kiba."
"Glad to meet you! Hope you make it. There's games and food even a granny like me could eat. It'll be fun. Promise!"
"We'll be there. Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. H!"
As if on cue, a whimpering Akamaru nuzzled Kisame, who rolled like a slow blue log into view. "Uhm, is that your son? He's a little…blue." Mrs. H adjusted her glasses, unsure of what she was seeing. In fact, the oddity was so striking the pair did not even register the wolf-sized dog in their living room.
"Ah he's always blue. Congenital illness, doctor told me." Ino was about to talk about methemoglobin gene mutations when Kiba was alerted by their toddler, spazzing sideways "Ino!" He beckoned as he broke from her grasp and scooped the young one to the bathroom. "Be right there. Open the faucet!" Ino then reverted to the elderly pair "Excuse us. Our son needs to bathe. Thanks again!"
"Sure thing!" Mrs. H said as the door slammed in haste. She turned to Mr. H "Correct me if I'm wrong, H but is their son…a fish?" Her husband shrugged at her question. Having no other answer, Mrs. H then assumed that the son had a sort of birth defect. "Poor kid…perhaps he'll turn out into a gorgeous merman when he grows up."
Lukewarm tap water streamed smoothly into the bathtub. Kiba gingerly put Kisame's head on the tap in order to allow him to breathe. Fortunately moisture had restored his pallor from a violaceous eggplant into a healthy blush of baby blue. "Why did you accept the invitation right away? What if it's a trap?" Kiba asked.
Ino sighed "It's not a trap. It's an opportunity."
"Opportunity? They'll see our kids!" Kiba exclaimed. The blonde admitted he had a point. Aside from maybe Sasori and Itachi, they all look outlandish and act conspicuous. Still, she could not pass up on the reward of such risk "Trust me. No one will bat an eye. This way, we'll get to know our neighbors much faster without arousing suspicion. We can flag anyone we find suspicious."
Ruminating, Kiba deliberated "Fine…sweetie." A fib, he now utilized to get back at her, was also the fib, which earned him a splash of bathwater towards his face by his flustered blonde "Shut up. I was out of names!"
…
"You're such a perv, aniki."
0805 Building C was not as amicable as the older brother, the average salaryman, spied on the parallel balcony through the window with drawn curtains, to watch a bare-midriff, pale and svelte woman with short hair reach upward to wipe the tops of the windows. Her stomach was so flat and toned and the shirt hiked up to almost reveal his chest. Salivating, the man sniffed the blood trickling down his nose. "Come on, you gotta admit that piece of cake is smokin' hot."
"Look, I'm gonna be late for practice. Can we just give them the invitation?" The salaryman's younger brother was exasperated. However, he was shushed and halted. A totally hooded man exited the apartment in question. The salaryman sighed "Yep. Too bad. Can't believe that creep landed her."
"Aniki!" The younger brother grumbled. His brother sighed and acquiesced "Alright, fine." Still, he could not believe that their neighbors turned out to be a "creepy hooded guy with his beautiful pale wife."
Doorbell rang. They were yelled at by a tiny voice "Yeah yeah I'm coming! Hm." They could hear the squeaky shoes walking towards the entrance. The door opened to reveal a feisty blonde, who appraised them. "Who you? Whachu want with momma, hm?" He leaned forward to sniff the salaryman with the envelope, who stammered "U-uh, a-ano, we–"
"Deidei-chan. Be nice." Sai spoke as he approached the entrance. Upon hearing the deepness of his voice, all illusions were shattered. "Hello, what brings you guys?" What was once androgynous became stark masculine features up close. The beautiful woman was…
Realizing that his older brother was lost in his thoughts, the younger one took over "Sorry. My brother's a bit dumb. Hello! We're neighbors from 0808 and we just wanna hand you the invitation. There's a neighborhood party this Saturday. Hope you guys can come."
His brother had not spoken, whom he correctly surmised as going through a fresh crisis. She's a he. She's a HE! But she…he's so beautiful. All this time, I've been chasing after girls…Has my whole life been…a LIE?!
"I'm sorry. This isn't mine." Sai uttered.
"What?"
"There seems to be a mix-up. There's no Shikamaru & Lee Nara living here." The pale man smiled with his eyes closed.
"Yeah. No shit!" Yelled the approaching man on a wheelchair. A cute white-furred puppy trailed close to him. He waved the correct invitation. Earlier, he was a floor below at 0911 Building B.
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Like Deidei-chan, annoyed little Hidan was first to the door. "Who da fa' iz it? Stah' ringing!" As soon as the door opened, the gross appearance of the man had the rambunctious toddler bursting into laughter. "HAHAHAHA! Whuh…Whuhr yuh legs?"
"My…legs?!" The man on the wheel chair exclaimed. "I'll have ya know kid. I lost 'em when the damn nine-tailed fox dropped a house on 'em!"
Still, this was inadequate to appease Hidan, who was guffawing at the floor. The dog barked and growled, fur upright and ready to bite. It was a good thing that Lee made it to the door. He immediately bowed, "I'm really sorry sir."
"Ya the father? Ya better reign in that disrespectful brat."
"Oh yuh? Who yuh callin' s'respectful, Wheehee MuhShhimpy?" Apparently, Hidan retained the gift of his previous life, being a master forger of ridiculously insulting nicknames. The man was fuming and he would've been twice as intimidating had he the ability to stand up. Otherwise, in this child's bullying eyes, he's simply Wheely fucking McSkimpy.
"Hidan-kun! That is extremely rude!" Lee exclaimed. However, it already triggered the man on the wheelchair "Ya damn brat!" His dog was about to attack when it froze in position, unable to lunge. Before the man could notice it, Shikamaru was already at the scene, pinky finger twisted in his ear, vexed by the morning ruckus. "What's this all about?"
The wheelchair man was taken aback "You two…live together?"
"Yes." Your point? Shikamaru speculated that the wheelchair man is the typical middle-aged conservative who would be aghast at the notion of two men living together in order to raise a kid. The Nara was primed for verbal defense when instead, the wheelchair man sympathetically blurted "So…he's adopted. That explains why." Obviously, the two could not have borne Hidan into this world but took on the daunting task of adopting and raising him, which earned his respect and helped him come to terms with the oddity that was "the generally polite couple with the filthiest-mouthed son."
"Ya're in for quite the trouble. Let me know if he needs a 'lil wacking." The wheelchair man handed the envelope, ignoring Hidan who said "Ey, who yuh callin' wacking?"
"Sumimasen, but uhm…there's no Shino & Sai Aburame here." Lee interrupted.
"What?!"
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"That's not…" Possible. Then the younger brother turned to his aniki, grinning with guilt. He sighed, figuring out that his brother swapped the invitations in order to meet the smokin' hot piece of – it turned out – non-heterosexual cake.
…
Meanwhile, the 7th floor corridor of Building A was abuzz with gush and gossip for the residents as the grey-eyed man with effortlessly tied chestnut hair walked past them, carrying a file of posters and a portable tape dispenser. He was accompanied by his blond companion from the neighboring apartment, whose eyes were still crusted with sleep. Despite the low energy, he noticed the huddling, whispering, and giggling women on their paths.
Kyaaa! Haruno-san's coming. Oh my gosh!
Is that jawline for real?
Those shoulders could hang me dry.
Is he going this way or that?
Quick! Is my hair okay? Ugh, how is his hair smoother than mine?!
"The heck? Are they talking about..?" You? Naruto double-inspected his friend. Indeed, his magnetic appeal was palpable.
"Don't mind it. We're just new."
"If we're new, shouldn't we greet them?" Greeting them would mean that they were open to talk to them. Of course that was the opposite of what they needed. Too late, Neji was unable to stop him as the blond let out his first wave of acknowledgement.
"Haruno-san!" A relatively young, relatively cute, yet absolutely blushing woman blocked their pathway. She fumbled with the invitation in her hands before she kowtowed and offered it to him. "Please accept this!" The other women behind her were cringing and sighing at her awkwardness. Neji simply took the invitation, much to everyone's surprise. "May I know what this is about?"
The girl was blurting out a mirage of haphazard explanations, all of which were included in the envelope. Naruto butted in to read it, his eyes squinting "Neighborhood welcome party? Saturday?"
"I-It's kind of a tradition here. Most of Tamaya came from other nations. And we're…kind of a tight-knit community. So we welcome everyone. Since there's quite a few of you, we decided to organize a party instead."
"And everyone new is supposed to attend?" Naruto inquired, speaking before Neji, which somehow drew silent ire from the females. "Yep. There'll be games and food. It's gonna be fun!"
Neji had scanned the itinerary details and had a primary concern "We would like to…but we're not sure if our children would enjoy these." Most of the activities, in the form of partnered games, were for the adults. It was enthusiastically addressed "No worries! There's a play area for them so you don't have to leave them behind."
Silence ensued for a few moments, interrupted by an eager query "Soooo, do we have a maybe?"
"I'll ask my wife." Neji replied so naturally that even Naruto, who was in on the whole undercover shenanigans, was taken aback. Since when did Sakura-chan and Neji accustomed themselves to calling each other that? He filed the matter in his mind and pestered the seemingly dejected ladies "Hey, do I have an invitation too, dattebayo?"
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The answer was yes. It was set to 0707 Building A to the princess who eloped and is living happily ever after. At least, that was the rumor. Hinata was rarely outside, but when she was, she turned heads like her cousin. Because of their distinct eyes, she had to wear contact lenses with pupils on them but that was the only alteration. She had the daintiness, beauty and sophistication of a princess, a potent combination with her voluptuous curves and gentle personality. In a few days, she enthralled the male half of the population within the 7th floor.
Hinata also had no problem adjusting with household chores. It was cliche, but she was a natural. As a matter of fact, things had never been more perfect. She was now living together with Naruto-kun, who gradually weaned off ramen in order to savor her home-cooked meals. He was also not used to anyone cleaning up after him and got embarrassed that she was willing to launder his underwear so he did it himself. Furthermore, they were fortunate to have Itachi, incredibly smart and independent for his age, who had no problem keeping to himself or assisting his "mom".
There were days when she momentarily forgot that she was undercover. It seemed like the textbook suburban life, save for the sleeping arrangement where Naruto insisted on sleeping in what was supposed to be Itachi's room. This snapped her back to reality where they weren't really married. Despite the cover. Despite the wedding ring props.
Hinata was folding clothes when she saw Itachi swipe the melon bread from the food storage bin. He dangled the item in front of her, wordlessly asking permission. She grinned as she gestured him to come "It's alright, Itachi." The toddler nodded and walked towards her. He sat cross-legged beside her. She placed a finger in front of her nose and lips "Don't worry. It'll be our little secret from Naruto-kun." Their quiet reverie was interrupted by the battlecry of their next-door neighbor.
SHANNAROooo!
Ka-BLANG!
They bolted towards the adjacent apartment, whose door was slightly opened. They spotted a transfixed Sasori saddled on a high-chair, banapple-goo strewn across his mouth, with Sakura panting after she accidentally broke the vacuum cleaner. Just in time, the kettle filled with hot water whistled with fervor. Hinata turned off the stove, while Sakura slumped on the floor. Her friend knelt and asked "Are you okay? What happened?"
"Yeah…I'm just…not cut out for this." Sakura confessed.
Unlike Hinata, the pink-haired kunoichi struggled. All her life, she lived with her parents, whose chores performed made her life convenient which, in retrospect, she had criminally overlooked. It was fine at first. She told herself she would learn it along the way and quickly, as her learning curve had always been steep. She'd master the household tasks in no time.
She thought it would have been fine, that no one would be inconvenienced by her learning curve if she were partnered with anyone else. But she had to be partnered with him. By far, he was the most intimidating and capable man she had ever met and had the fortune of living with.
"You don't understand. It's humiliating!" Sakura exclaimed. She recalled having missed her alarm and waking up at 9 AM. She scrambled out of her room, only to find everything in pristine order and within schedule. Neji and Sasori had finished eating and left him breakfast while the place was being vacuumed. "He's the only one who knows how to use this damn vacuum."
And that went on for several days. Neji never asked her to do anything, which made her feel even more like dead weight. And if she took the initiative to do stuff, such as washing the plates, she would find Neji sometimes trailing after her to inspect the plates and redo some of them. "All this time I thought he was looked after…coz he was Hyuuga like you. Like…you have trainings and stuff…and you don't have time to constantly pick up after yourself…so you have servants for your needs."
"I did. But Neji nii-san was different. Ever since Uncle Hizashi passed away he didn't want to rely on anyone. So he did everything on his own."
"Took care of himself but never fell behind." He was truly a genius. Whereas I, Sakura recalled the time she had a screaming match with her mother over her unfolded fresh laundry. "I took everything for granted."
Somehow, she came to her senses and realized what havoc she wreaked on the appliance. It was even more evident when the on and off buttons were no longer working and loose wiring dangled whenever she moved the object. "Shit. I broke it!" She stood up and fixed her clothes. Her mind was racing and pressured as her speech "I've got to go to the store and buy another. It's okay we need groceries anyway. Hinata, will you be a dear and tell me what model it is?"
"It's alright. Neji can–"
Immediately she interjected "No! I know he can fix it! I don't want him to!" I don't want to be useless again, was what she meant to say. Instead she sighed, collecting herself. "It's fine. I'll just replace it, okay? As if nothing happened."
"Aaaammmffdgrrhuhhll," plans were quite derailed when Sasori belched and spilled liquefied banapple goo all over his shirt and high chair table. She pinched her forehead "Ah…shoot. Can you help me bathe Sasori first? Then groceries later."
Hinata smiled "Of course."
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At the lobby, the building guard once more had paid the duo no mind and allowed them to post on the bulletin board. The blonde squinted once more, unsure of Neji's strategy "Tutor for hire? Didn't Tsunade-sama already set up undercover jobs for us, 'ttebayo?"
"While being a middle school sports coach is a perfect cover that would enable us to blend in and be closer to the children, I figured that being a part-time private tutor would allow me to also interact with adults and observe them within their homes." Neji explained. The Uzumaki merely nodded, processing the plan and believing Neji had eloquently justified it. The Hyuuga reassessed the invitation. "I never thought we'd have an opportunity like this." Wherein the residents would come to us instead of the other way around.
"About that…" Naruto pivoted and crossed his arms "Since when did you get so comfortable calling Sakura-chan your wife?" Subtly startled, Neji rebutted "Don't be petulant. It's part of the mission parameters. Our cover would be blown if we don't adjust accordingly." Parried by the Uzumaki's insinuation "Sooo you won't mind if I call Hinata—"
"As long as it's appropriate." The other responded "But if you cross the line—"
"Yeah, yeah don't worry. I'm not gonna touch her. We don't even sleep on the same bed, 'ttebayo." The blond sighed before asking "Do you?"
This harkened him back to their first morning. Though they had slept with their backs turned to one another, he flitted his eyes open to a snoozing Sakura, lying stomach down and hogging more than her half of the bed. She seemed relaxed and unaware but her eyes were rampant beneath their lids. Neji surmised she was still in a dream-state. He continued to observe the minutia, microexpressions, until her alarm sounded off, causing her to jump and sleepily fumble for it to stop, grunting a staunch refusal to be fully awake. She was grunting and grumbling, her hand slapping—knighting—the bedside table as she felt for the contraption. Before she could inch toward consciousness, another hand hovered above hers and pressed the button, ending the noise. She bared a smile of relief then reverted to sleep.
This was the first time the Hyuuga had anyone this close to him, living with him. He was mesmerized. Sakura-san had only shown meticulousness and seriousness whenever she worked. She frowned most of the time when she healed, perhaps due to the inordinate amount of concentration that was required. But now, she was relaxed. Unguarded. Ticklish, as she recoiled when he attempted to tuck strands of hair away from her face. He would have lain there for longer, savoring and capturing the other contortions her face could make, had it not been for Sasori's door audibly swinging open. The kid was awake and needed tending to.
At the lobby, the Hyuuga merely smirked to himself and walked away. A confused Naruto stumbled after him "Hey. You didn't answer me! Oy. Neji!"
…
Meanwhile, the mild and balanced couple of 1010 Building B (with a kid who kept shoplifting), was at the supermarket.
"Let's see…what ingredients would you normally need for a morning picnic party? Onigiri? Salad? Wanpaku?" Tenten muttered to herself. They were the earliest to receive the invitations. Her husband Choji has just returned from the neighboring aisle. Passing by, the other shoppers were startled and forced to give way at the leaning tower of frozen dumplings and meat goods. His arm lengthening technique was subtle and the only thing holding the haul together. As soon as he dumped them, the steel of the grocery cart erupted into a cacophony of vibrations. Tenten's jaw drop "HUH?! There is NO WAY we can afford all of that! Choj–I mean–hunny, please take some of them back."
Silently, the disheartened Choji counted the goods and removed their duplicates. Tenten felt guilty and added "There's a new BBQ chip on aisle 17. Wanna get the family pack?" The Akimichi's eyes were renewed with gluttonous vigor and he nodded, therefore absolving Tenten, who then realized as her head whipped around "Where's Kakuzu?"
Kakuzu was on his own, draped in long toddler sweaters with an oversized hood, winter wear amidst midsummer. He had just pocketed quarters from his mom, and swiped a yen bill that dangled from a random lady's purse. Also swiped a few chocolate marshmallows and gummy bears along the way. He kinda liked this state, wherein he was too small and innocent to be deemed a criminal, but not too cute to be the center of attention, unlike that raven-haired kiddo with his red-haired brother…or friend? He didn't stick long enough to find out. Instead, his eyes were on the prize—the towering gumball machine.
Kakuzu was about to make his move when two rambunctious clowns approached the same aisle. Something in his instinct told him to hide. Those two were nothing but trouble.
"These chocolates are mine, hm!"
"Ovah yuh yellow face! Tha's mine!"
"I found it first, hm!"
"Nuh-uh. I foun' it first!
"I found it first! Momma!"
Sai merely smiled, eyes crinkled shut. He really wanted to jam his largest scroll into this brat's pie hole "Now everyone calm down. I told you we're getting two. Dei-dei chan, you have a similar one." Instead, Deidara was stifling angry tears "But he has more blues, hm! I-I like that one, hm! Momma!" He was now tugging his momma's pants down. Sai struggled to keep his pants aloft, uttering to himself "Now, now, let's be a sport. Dei-dei chan." Shino better come back now from his special mission. Or I'm gonna seal this kid.
Rock Lee promptly lifted Hidan towards Deidei "Hidan-chan, you made him cry! Please apologize." To which Hidan merely guffawed and stuck his tongue out at Deidara who, as soon as he's within reach, grabbed his hair and slapped him. "Ow! You dirty..!" It turned into an awful fist fight. Hidan spat "It's mine buhnuhnuh ass!" Lee was collaterally scratched and kicked, whereas Sai's face and forehead veins were clenching. Kakuzu decided it was much more rewarding to swipe their candy while the four of them were busy.
"HIDAN-CHAN!" Lee begged. Shikamaru nearly dropped both packages of sliced bread. "How troublesome." He compared the two. "What the fuck is the difference between whole-wheat and whole-grain?" Even his 200 plus IQ failed to extrapolate. He happened to pass by Ino, who was merrily pushing the shopping cart alone. He fibbed "Heh, you seem to be enjoying this." The blonde scoffed in annoyance, "Ah, I'm just here, finally having some alone time while Kiba and Kisame figure things out."
"What do you mean?" The Nara asked.
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On the seafood section of the shop, Kisame had yet another flopping attack, this time because the air conditioner had severely lowered the humidity of the store. Kiba hastily borrowed the fish preparer's water hose. The moisture hitting the blue kid's gills allowed him a large gasp of breath, which then relieved the onlookers. They clapped for Kiba, calling him "a trouper dad". Still, he sighed "I can't bring the hose with me. Looks like we gotta head home." Fortunately, the fish preparer said "I have an idea."
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Ino gaped, and her bread loaf tumbled into the basket as she saw the two return "Kiba?! What the heck is that?!" The Inuzuka wheeled a half-filled aquarium strapped onto a hollowed-out grocery cart. Finally, Kisame could regularly breathe and thermoregulate. "It's his mini-habitat sweetie. The vendors back there had this set up for our little sharkie."
Sweetie? Sharkie? Shikamaru knew he was missing something yet again. Ino then turned to him "About that, aren't you supposed to help Lee?" With that being said, it was the Nara's turn to exit. He sighed, grabbed a pack of hotdog buns instead and rolled forth "See you at the party."
Once Shikamaru had left, Kiba whispered to the blonde "Hey. Aren't we supposed to pretend we don't know each other?" The blonde seemed to have forgotten, and immediately scanned the vicinity for familiar faces before replying "Nah. I'm sure they won't make a big deal out of it. Oh, by the way, are all of us here?"
"Seems so. Everyone's preparing for the picnic." Kiba answered. Ino asked "Were you able to smell Sakura?" The Inuzuka sniffed the air, a myriad of a thousand confusing yet distinguishable smells "Yeah she's with Hinata. Akamaru's with them too." But the Yamanaka was already engrossed in something else. She was at the baking section, buying an assortment of utensils and ingredients. She's currently deciding on whether to do something matcha or strawberry-flavored. She was not feeling any pressure from her ambition "Ugh! I hate this. I don't know what to bring!"
"Can't we just buy a cake and have it sliced? What's the big deal anyway?" Kiba said. Ino whipped her head towards him and pointed to the smiling portrait at the envelope "You see this woman?" He read "Kana?"
"She's the vice president of the homeowner's association here. She's even got a whole penthouse to herself!" The invitation was zoomed so close to Kiba's face that he leaned backwards "She's the queen bee. What's it gonna take to be chummy with her?"
Still, the boy couldn't help but chuckle "Seriously? Your plan is to impress the homeowner by outshining Sakura and Hinata?" He knew Ino was superbly competitive but this seemed a ridiculous proportion.
To the girl, however, it was not ludicrous at all. In her mind, Sakura and Hinata were not just close friends. They're rivals. She was jealous of Hinata's upper class allure and femininity, and jealous of Sakura's luck and capabilities. First, she was teamed up with Sasuke-kun. Now, she's partnered with Neji! She could neither be as sexy and nurturing as Hinata nor could she be unfeminine yet intelligent like Sakura. They are women of extremes that made her look like a sad, mediocre, in-betweener in comparison.
She huffed and pushed the cart "If you don't wanna support me then fine. I'm doing this myself!" Kiba was forced to keep up. "O-oy! Hang on," He managed to halt the cart and express allegiance, albeit with a sigh "Fine. I'm in."
"Thank you!" Ino hugged Kiba, which came as a shock and an assault to Kiba's already sensitive nose. "What the hell Ino, your perfume's too sweet!" Nauseatingly sweet. The girl just raised her eyebrow "Huh? I didn't put on anything." She reverted to her earlier conundrum, but the matcha vs. strawberry debate refused to be settled. Ino groaned "Ugh, I still can't decide!"
"Hmm, how about we pick a courtesy gift first, like flowers?" Kiba offered. Inspired, the blonde grabbed his arm "I've got just the thing!"
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Hinata, trusting of Itachi's maturity and the convenience of her Byakugan, allowed the boy to roam around and assist in grocery shopping. Tagging along was an enthusiastic and babbling Sasori. "Awaughhmmsfffgrll," the redhead was playing with his drool when Itachi crouched and shushed him. "Shhh," he mimicked and giggled. Itachi spotted a Kiba clone, which was Akamaru in disguise. He was too large and too conspicuous of a pet to be let inside the store. The young Uchiha was planning to capture him.
Sasori was babbling when Akamaru turned around. He was plopped down, waving at the dog-human who was sniffing him. "Ajdkjsijsk tickles~" Sasori chuckled heartily as the dog-human prodded to his neck. The passing shopper froze at the sight, but when Kiba glared at him, he immediately transferred to the other aisle. "Kffgdshhh, dog-man?" Sasori asked, and the Kiba clone would have barked, if it weren't for Itachi who jumped on top of him from the adjacent shelf. He rodeoed Akamaru into submission. Akamaru transformed back into his white furry self once Itachi fastened the unpurchased leash.
"Hooray!" Sasori cheered as Akamaru galloped and Itachi scooped him up to ride on the big dog's back. They passed a bored shelf stacker, who did not even flinch when Akamaru's behind clashed onto the pyramid stack of fruit cans that sent the structure collapsing. He ain't restacking that. The dog sprinted past him. Disinterestedly, the vendor spoke to his communicator "Dog on aisle nine. Clean up on aisle nine."
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Meanwhile on aisle 34, Sakura was one vacuum away from having a nervous breakdown. "Oh no. They only have the vacuum from this year's model in red…but they have the original color for last year's model. But last year's model didn't have a filter mechanism like this!"
"Sakura-san, please calm yourself—" Hinata patted her back. She was about to relay the good news that she was almost finished shopping for her and her friend's potluck when Sakura heaved and thrusted the two vacuums to her face "What do you think? Should I get the red one and just use a disguising technique for the color? Or switch the filter mechanisms from this red to black? I mean they're practically the same size–" She was talking at miles per minute that Hinata did not know when to interject.
"You're right! I should buy both, switch the black filter to red and disguise the color!" Sakura was confident she figured it out, when it was just failure waiting to happen. Before Hinata could interrupt, she was already striding with two vacuums tucked under each arm towards the cashier, when the grocery door opened and she saw Neji and Naruto. Gasping, she immediately used the final aisle for cover, crashing next to a guy who was buying a food processor. It almost toppled on her but the man was able to catch it. "Excuse me but—"
"Shhh!" Sakura whispered. She ducked just in time to remain unseen. Neji momentarily glanced at the source of the noise but upon chalking it up to a clumsy guy with a food processor, he walked on. Sakura exchanged intense hand signals with Hinata: I'm not here.
Hinata was nervous, seeking to hide when Naruto called "Oy, Hinata!"
"Naruto! Neji! Where have you two been?" Ino and Kiba had just queued up on the neighboring counter. Naruto was rubbing the back of his head as he explained the tarps when he was surprised by the kid hitting the aquarium wall to greet him "Whoa! Look at Kisame! He really likes water, huh?"
Meanwhile, Neji asked the quivering Hyuuga "Hinata-sama, is Sakura-san with you?" He was scanning the vicinity. Sakura used this distraction to snake past the cart and hide behind Ino who yelped. Seeing her besties' panicked stares, she mumbled "Wew I thought I was..gonna fart."
"FART?!" Kiba guffawed. Akamaru was on his way when Sakura gestured, whispering aggressively "Turn around! Turn around!" But it was too late. Neji had already noticed when one of the shoppers screamed "AAAAhhh! A wolf!" Itachi and Sasori slid down, a few of the grocery items in tow. As soon as Sasori spotted him, he exclaimed "Papa!" He ran towards his arms so he could be carried upward. He grabbed a fistful of his daddy's hair and boasted his new candy with the other. Neji wiped the sweat from his nose "Sasori-chan. Where's mom?" The kid, without hesitation, pointed at Hinata, whose knees trembled further.
Ino swooped in to rescue "A-ano, Sakura wasn't feeling great today so she stayed at home. B-but Hinata helped out by shopping for her. Y-you know, the party picnic and all. Right Hinata?" The chaos was further ensued by the bodyguard coming to Ino saying "Excuse me mam is that your dog? You can't have pets here. It's against store policy" To which Kiba immediately retorted "He's not just a pet he's a ninja. Also he's disciplined—" overlapped by the guard "Sir, it's not allowed." He then radioed in while Kiba was still making his point.
This chaos allowed Sakura to spot another cart. This one, towards Choji. "Neji! Naruto!" The Akimichi called them. "Is Tenten with you?" asked Neji who went over to their side so Sakura was unable to and trapped at Ino's. Choji shook his head "Still looking for Kakuzu. Probably in customer service."
"Hinata? Why do we have another vacuum cleaner? Did we break ours?" Hinata's eyes widened at Naruto's interrogation. He was already inspecting the cherry red contraption and she had nothing to say. She would rather faint then and there.
"TELL THE TRUTH! YOU ATE MY CHOCKIES, hm!" A blonde brat was making ruckus. He limberly tippy-toed on the aligned grocery carts and check out counters, trying to stomp out the lilac-haired foul mouth who was cursing and parkouring underneath "Ah tol' yuh ah din't fahk'n eat it! Geh away fruh me!" The shoppers were rattled, while the Sai fumbled in embarrassment as Lee attempted to chase them and apologize to everyone whose items were rendered toddler-fodder.
"I found it! I found the chockies!" An exhausted Tenten Rafiki-held up Kakuzu, who was caught red-handed with the blue-shelled chocolates, his mouth and fingers smeared. The sight of this further enrages Deidara, who started throwing a random shopper's cauliflower, lettuce, and potatoes at the culprit while crying and tantruming. "AH'HOLE!" Hidan screamed in sympathy and hysterically cried alongside his previous foe.
"Next," announced the couldn't-care-less cashier with utmost non-enthusiasm. Sakura used this to push Ino's cart from below. The items were being scanned while Ino and Kiba were preoccupied arguing with the guard about Akamaru, Naruto and Hinata discussed the price of another vacuum cleaner, and Neji and the rest were preoccupied with the three-brat fiasco.
Beep, beep. Grocery items just keep ticking. The cart moves forward but the parents seem to be headed to the security office to sort things out. Kisame watches this, face pressed onto the back end of his aquarium as he attempts to rock the cart, water spilling over. Don't leave me! If only Kiba could be heard underwater.
Sakura was long gone as the food processor guy's cart covered her. "He your husband?"
"Yeah."
"Mind telling me why?" You're not over there and down here instead? Sakura sighed and said "I broke something and I don't want him to know I broke it."
"Oh," the food processor guy nodded, having pieced it together. "OH MY GOSH!" Another unknown shopper yelled as the makeshift aquarium shattered into pieces. Water spilled everywhere, to the daycare squad, the neighboring shoppers in line, even underneath the feet of the cashier who unenthusiastically raised her feet. The food processor guy's cart was so close to the market door but he stopped, seeing the blue kid's coughing state. He urged a hesitant Sakura to go outside "I got this."
"OH MY GOD, KISAME!" Ino ran towards the kid. The food processor guy got there first "It's okay. I'm a pediatrician." He gently used his fingers in one hand to check for airway obstructions and began resuscitating him. He unpackaged a siphoning product from the adjacent basket to serve as makeshift suction. Kisame's gears flared and he evacuated the aspirated water. Breathing again.
The chaos eventually calmed after everyone came to their senses. Ino and Kiba were let off with a warning. But they were much more thankful for the pediatric savior, "Thank you so much Mr.–Dr—"
"Just Doc Nohara." A good samaritan handed Kisame a towel, which he wrapped around him for warmth. "Your son seems to be suffering from Accessory Gills Syndrome. He has functional yet hypoplastic lungs and mildly developed gills that should've been obliterated beyond embryonic stage…" The doctor explained but in Ino's mind: Mmm, I have no idea what you just said but you're quite the hottie.
Kiba was inspecting the undone restraints "I don't understand. I double-knotted this." Shikamaru looked at Itachi, who shushed him as well. Itachi thought Kisame was drowning, so he unfastened the ropes and kicked the aquarium to tip over. Neji took it upon himself to procure the doctor's cart. The doctor's heart leapt, thinking Sakura was still crouched behind. Good thing she wasn't. "Thanks," he quipped as he stood up. "Cute kid," the doc said. Sasori buried his face deeper into Neji's neck.
Naruto and Hinata finally agreed not to buy the new vacuum cleaner and were the first to be done with their purchases. "What happened here?" He asked.
…
The loitering neighbors of the 7th floor scrambled giddily once more, as their favourite new neighbors arrived. There were murmurs of "princess", "goddess", "lucky bastard" and "glad the kid took on more from his mom" for Naruto and Hinata of 0707, to which the Uzumaki yelled "Hey! Who said that?" Before being shoved in the door by Itachi.
As for Neji and Sasori, everyone giggled and fawned at how cute they were. They praised Neji for his strength, having multiple grocery bags on both arms while the child was clung to his neck licking his candy toy. The door of apartment 0708 was about to be unlocked by key when a flustered Sakura immediately opened it. "I thought you were sick." Neji simply quipped. To which Sakura faked the most unconvincing cough and distorted soft voice "Yeah. Sore throat."
Once inside, Sasori climbed down from his dad to go towards his mom, who refused "Sorry. Mom's sick." Before either of them could react, a hand was already draped across her forehead "You don't seem sick." Neji uttered. Sakura was defensive as her normal voice croaked "Not all sore throats h-have fever, you know." Then she excused herself, saying, "I'll change Sasori's clothes."
It was quiet for a while. Sasori enjoyed slinking out from his outie clothes and into his innie pajamas. Neji unpacked the groceries. Sakura's eyes widened when he spotted Neji heading towards the supply closet. He said "We ran out of floor polish so I bought–" Before he could open the door, Sakura managed to snake past him and bar him from the door. "I'll return it."
"Sakura-san," he regarded suspiciously. She insisted "It's fine. I'll return it." Sakura reached for the floor polish, but Neji raised it out of reach. At first, she was tiptoeing towards it, pressing herself closer unto him. When that didn't work, she doubled down on the intimacy, nudging her face next to his, softly pleading "Neji-san," her hand was caressing the arm which briefly relented. When her fingertips touched the polish, Neji's arm tensed, his other hand grabbed her waist and nudged her to the side. "Hey!" Sakura protested, but the supply closet was already opened. "Where's our vacuum cleaner?"
Things suddenly clicked in Neji's mind. "Did you break the vacuum cleaner instead of Hinata and let her cover for you?" When Sasori's little head popped out to listen, another thought clicked into place "Did you leave Sasori and sneak out of the supermarket? That's very reckless of you."
Sakura opened her mouth to speak but was interrupted by a doorbell. Neji was closest so he opened it. To his surprise, it was Dr. Nohara, with an identical vacuum cleaner. "Hey!" He recognized Neji from the store. "Sorry. I didn't know you lived here. You must be Mr. Haruno."
"Hey," Sakura nervously chipped in. Dr. Nohara handed her the appliance. "Sorry, I'm just returning this. I just moved in next door and I didn't have a vacuum so I borrowed." There was an awkward lull of silence. "Also, I have some penicillin in my cabinet for sore throat. Wanna have a look? It could be strep." Neji's eyes narrowed, observing the two. Sakura chuckled, "It's fine. I just…dry throat from snoring, that's all. Thanks!" She emphasized the final word, meaning it. Thanks for the save. Doc Nohara smiled and waved "No problem. Just 0709 if you need me."
Wordlessly, she returned the vacuum. "I'm sorry." Neji said. Sakura shook her head "It's fine." He walked towards the kitchen "I'll make some tea." Whereas the pink-haired kunoichi hid in their bedroom. It just did not feel right going at such lengths to lie to Neji-san. Hours later, the still-curious Hyuuga checked the model number of the vacuum. It was not the same.
…
At the Tamaya District riverside park, the mixer preparations were in full swing. The supermarket fiasco managed to reach them. "It seems that the new homeowners have serendipitously met one another," mused the homeowner president. "Rumor is one of them is not a real couple. Is that right, Kana?"
"It appears so." Kana replied. She was unsatisfied with the angulation of the background wall installation and asked it to move leftward and right by millimetres…uncaring of the jelly arms of those who bore the weight.
"Are you sure it's not the hottie doc at 0709? He's single." One of the homeowners asked. She was definitely a crouching cougar. Kana replied "I was specifically told it was a couple."
"They're gonna try to earn our trust. Learn our secrets! Break into our ranks! Then take over Tamaya! All for their stupid suburban duplexes." Kana's rival fumed. The rumor is that a homeowner couple from the up-and-coming suburbs would infiltrate their building and try to tear down their building in order to make way for a larger gated community.
"My bet is on the blonde one with the dog. They fight like madmen and their son looks nothing like them!" Mrs. H said. At their apartment, Ino and Kiba were bickering again. The Yamanaka purchased an excessive amount of flowers, not just to decorate her apartment but to make it smell less doggy and fishy. Kiba wouldn't have minded, if it weren't for his senses being overloaded for the past few days. Ino already had a nauseatingly sweet scent about her that pestered his nose all day. Akamaru whimpered, but was happy that a tired Kisame liked cuddling with him. He licked the boy when he was too dry.
"My bet is on the pink-haired woman," Kana quipped. "She abandoned her child and lied to her husband. You all saw her sneak out of that grocery store." Others seemed to nod in agreement, while others still refuse to believe her hottie husband would be involved in such a scheme. He seemed way too dignified.
"So it's settled then." The homeowner smiled, grinning as he crumbled the flower petals on his hand and let them loose onto the afternoon wind "May the best couple win."
A/N: And the most unbothered couple award goes to…*drum rolls* Choji/Tenten.