Cabin Fever

Wednesday

The day before she was to leave quarantine, Skye woke up feeling restless. Although her time spent in isolation had been amazing, she was sick of being in the same room and having her food brought to her. She loved communicating and talking with Grant but she craved the company of her SHIELD colleagues as well. Most of all, she missed being able to touch people.

Just like she had the day before, Skye burned off restless energy with her regular series of exercises. She was getting sick of them too. She longed to spar with someone – anyone! – and be able to walk to other rooms, even go outside if she could. Her room was starting to feel like a prison and she wasn't sure if she'd even be able to last the day. She knew the only reason she felt this way was because freedom was around the corner but knowing that didn't make her feel any better.

Her computer dinged, letting her know she had a new email. Skye rushed over to check, delighted to find an email from Grant. She laughed at the subject line: Going crazy yet?

Natalya, Word on the street is that tomorrow you'll be free. The last hours in confinement are always the worst. Maybe you should tell me about your other dreams. No Zoom this time though. I don't know if I could stand it. The cold shower after the last one just about killed me.

Skye grinned, once again appreciating this new Grant. Humor was definitely something she valued and the old Grant had struggled with it. She suspected the old Grant wouldn't have enjoyed their Zoom call at all, preferring his sexual encounters to be straightforward and immediate, more a release of tension than anything to be savored. Of course, she didn't know that for sure since they'd barely even begun their romantic relationship before he turned into a Hydra agent but, given how he was with May, she guessed she was on the right track. He's in a different place in his life now.

The thoughts did give her pause though, particularly with the weird mood she was in. How well do I really know him? Will he hurt me again? Skye wasn't sure what she should do with these thoughts but, after some self-reflection, she decided to throw caution to the wind and immediately began replying to his email. After all, she had nothing else she wanted to do. The lure of movies and TV had waned and she'd finished all the books on her reading list. Tomorrow, when she got to rejoin the rest of the base, there'd be plenty to do, so she might as well spend as much time with Grant as she could. Maybe she could put some of her fears to rest.

007, To be totally honest (like we're supposed to be), I've had a lot of dreams about you. Some are good, like the one I shared with you last night, but others aren't so great. Are you sure you want to hear about them?

Right after she hit SEND, Skye started questioning herself. She could've played along and told him about dreams she'd had that were similar to the one she'd revealed to him on the Zoom call. That would've been fun but her restlessness didn't allow it. Maybe she needed to know just how serious Grant was about her, even when the going got rough. Her computer dinged; he'd responded more quickly than she'd imagined. She swallowed hard, telling herself to quit being such a baby.

Natalya, I want to hear anything you want to tell me, especially if it involves you. I imagine you have a lot of feelings about me and we need to work through them all. I'm ready. But if you just want to talk about the books you've read during quarantine or tell me all the celebrity gossip, I'm here for that too.

Skye laughed. Here was more evidence of how lighthearted this new Grant seemed to be. The Robot never would've agreed to hearing about celebrity gossip. Then she got serious, ready to test the new him.

I'll start with the easiest and most recent. Ever since I've been in quarantine, I've dreamed that one or both of us come down with Covid-19. It's probably natural enough given our situation but it's still terrifying. In some of my dreams, I'm the one who's sick. I go from just being miserable to completely unable to breathe. I'm desperate to see you, for you to hold my hand and take care of me through the worst of it, but you can't. I keep calling for you but you don't even know I'm sick.

In other dreams, you're the one who's sick and I'm the one who doesn't know what's happening. All I know is that I can't get in touch with you and I'm scared you've left me all over again.

Skye pushed SEND, wondering how he was going to take this. On the surface, the dreams made sense. There was a pandemic afoot, one people were dying from. But her fears seemed less about dying and more about Grant not being there for her. She waited an hour, unable to do anything other than pace her room, feeling incredibly raw. She raced to the computer when it dinged.

I'm not surprised you're afraid I'll abandon you again. I told you I wouldn't turn my back, then I ran and you didn't hear from me for months. You have a right to be upset about that but it's complicated. When we were at Cybertech, I hoped you'd want to come with me and find out who you are. I didn't know how to tell you how I felt so I ended up sounding insane and threatening. Just thinking about that now makes me cringe because how over the top and desperate I was. One of the reasons I left so quickly after I found out John died was because I knew I'd messed things up between us and I couldn't face it.

I didn't try to get in touch because I didn't know whether you'd even want to talk with me. One of the last things you said was that you wished Garrett would order me to walk into traffic. I know now that you were angry and didn't mean it but I'm used to people trying to get rid of me. I thought you wanted nothing more to do with me and I didn't blame you for it.

It didn't help that I was a complete mess emotionally. Thank goodness I was clear-headed enough to know I needed some time by myself without anyone to tell me who I had to be or what I had to do. After a few dark nights, the Avengers helped me realize I had to figure out who I am before I could be good for you or anyone else.

Please believe me when I tell you that I thought about you every day. Clint even told me once that if he heard your name one more time, I'd find myself with an arrow in a sensitive area. I constantly fantasized what it would be like for us to be together but I needed to get my head on straight first. I'm pretty sure you'll prefer this Grant who has some knowledge of healthy relationship skills to that other guy who thought asking you to be monsters together was romantic.

About your dreams: I can't promise not to get sick or get killed. No one can. But I can promise you this: the Avengers have sworn to me that, should anything happen to me, they'll let you know immediately. At the bottom of this email is a number you can call any time and someone who knows my whereabouts will answer. You'll never have to wonder about me. Do you think that'll help?

Whew! If that's the easiest dream, then we're in for a long day!

Skye chuckled. Leave it to Grant to cut past the nonsense and get right to the point. It was refreshing but also a little scary. She stared at the screen, wondering how much she wanted to get into everything. While it was difficult not to have these conversations in person, the distance created by the computer was somewhat helpful. It gave her time to think things through before expressing them. Skye was so lost in thought that the ding of the computer made her jump.

Maybe it'll be easier if I guess at some things that might be bothering you. You shouldn't have to worry about how I'll react to the hard stuff. Here goes. First and most important, my feelings for you are real. I'm in love with you and I have been for a very long time, from practically the first time we met. I've never been in love before so it was (and is) a new feeling for me. I hope you'll be patient with me as I work on being good at it.

I realize you think I chose Garrett over you. You may even think I wouldn't have protected you against him. I was very messed up back then and am still working through a lot of stuff. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that I never would've let him hurt you. Never. And it was always my intention to save his life then return to you.

I don't want to get too intense or scare you but you're IT for me, Skye. There's nothing I won't do for you. There's no pressure though; I just want you to know my feelings. You can feel about me any way you want. If Coulson won't take me back and you choose the team over me, I'll understand. If you ever get tired of me and want to leave, I'll understand that too. I won't like it but I'll accept it. Loving you like I do means your happiness is the most important thing to me.

Finally, you probably think you don't know the real me. That's fair because a lot of the time I'm not sure I know the real me. I've been working undercover for so much of my adult life that I've gotten lost. As I mentioned, the Avengers are helping me with this but it's tough. I've still got a long way to go. You always seemed to know exactly who you are. Maybe you'd be willing to help me too.

Skye wiped her streaming eyes. While it seemed like Grant was living in her head, she'd had enough time by now to realize that he was incredibly observant and intuitive. She'd done some research and discovered that many abused children are hypervigilant and extremely attuned to others. They have to be in order to survive, to know when a threat was coming and how to prevent it. With help, many kids leave those coping mechanisms behind but Grant had to hone his even further. He went from one abusive situation to another and then entered into a lifestyle where those skills were essential tools.

She smiled to herself as she realized that she probably didn't present much of a challenge to his ability to read emotions. Skye tended to be an open book, something she'd have to work on if she wanted to succeed as an agent of SHIELD. But maybe it was good that she and Grant were completely open with each other. It was the only way they could rebuild the trust between them. She resolved to stop being so scared of his deep knowledge of her. So far, he seemed to be trustworthy. She noticed that he took the initiative to be vulnerable with her so that she didn't have to. It was one more way he'd shown himself to be thoughtful since that day at the store.

The phone number is helpful. Thanks. Now we have to work on you being able to contact me whenever you need to. I don't know how to do that though, so I'm grateful the Avengers are working on a plan. I'm desperate for you to return so I can see you every day but it has to be done carefully. The team is still very, very angry with you.

I get that what happened between us was complicated. I've had a lot of time to think while in isolation this week and I understand what a difficult time that was for you. When we were on the plane with Deathlok, you told me that one day I'd understand. Well, that day has come and I do. Really. But my whole life has been filled with people who've abandoned me, so it isn't something I'm going to get over anytime soon. Fingers crossed that you'll be able to help me with that.

I'm grateful you've had some time to heal. I understand you're a work in progress (I am too) but maybe we can work on our issues together. Because – and this is difficult for me to say because I don't do vulnerability well – I'm in love with you too, Grant. I have been for a long time. That's why I was so furious you were Hydra. After Coulson and I escaped the Bus, I spent the whole night staring at the picture I'd taken of you in the diner, wishing things were different. I thought I'd gotten everything I wanted only to have it yanked out from under me. But here you are. DON'T MESS IT UP!

I'm excited to know the real you. I for sure have liked what I've seen of you so far! But hey, I liked the old you too, so I'm probably good either way.

Skye hit SEND before she could delete anything, then sat back in her chair. Her thoughts went to the next day when she'd be joining her teammates again. She was incredibly excited about it but was also disappointed that it would be a lot harder to communicate with Grant. But as much as she loved him, she didn't want to go back into isolation any time soon. To kill time, she took a shower and did a careful hygiene routine. She searched through her podcast collection to see if there was anything she could listen to while she waited for sleep to overtake her. When she was through with her activities, she discovered another email from Grant.

While we absolutely cannot do another Zoom call, I wish you could see the huge smile on my face. Kara says I look like an idiot but I don't care. YOU LOVE ME! I wasn't sure you could ever love me, so I'm walking on cloud nine. I can't wait to hear you say it in person!

You're probably exhausted, so I'm going to let you go. Please don't worry about when we'll be able to contact each other again. The Avengers are working on things and I trust them. They're a good, smart and caring bunch of people. I can't believe how lucky I am that they decided I was worth redeeming. In some ways, I've been luckier than I have any right to be. That's definitely true of my relationship with you! Goodnight, mi amor. Sleep well and enjoy your upcoming freedom.

Skye smiled as she turned off her computer. Once again, she thought that if this pandemic had an upside, it was that it allowed her to have a second chance with Grant. Then she went to download The Princess Bride, glad she could find a book about true love to lull her to sleep.