Fear and Dread

As an orphan, Skye had to make up stories about her life because there was no family around to talk about her history. There were no parents to bore people with pictures and stories about how adorable she'd been as a baby or how brilliant her first words showed her to be. There were no grandparents to reveal how her parents met, fell in love and decided to start a family. She had no idea of who she came from, what her genetics were, or even what events had befallen her before she could remember. The nuns from St. Agnes tried their best to give her some of that history – from the little they knew – but they were too busy to talk much.

As a result, one of her favorite games had been to label her life, to tell stories about herself to anyone who would listen. She spent long nights regaling Miles and their fellow Rising Tide hactivist friends with her "origin story" (as she labeled it) about surviving in the orphanage as a small child. From there, she launched into tales of her Wonder Years followed by accounts of her adolescence she labeled The Facts of Life. Skye learned early that if the stories she'd weave were humorous or exciting, she was much more likely to hold someone's interest. No one wanted to hear tales of woe. And she couldn't let herself be drawn into her sob stories either; it was too hard to come back from that.

She didn't stop her game once she joined SHIELD either. Trip was the only one who giggled when she'd revealed that the label for her year (and counting) with SHIELD was her Freaks and Geeks period. She could always count on Trip to understand her pop cultural references more than anyone else on base. It was almost like the rest of them had been too focused on their education or skills training to spend time watching TV. Hunter was the only other one who liked TV but his taste in shows was different, more Survivor and Naked and Afraid than Mr. Robot. But for Skye, movies and TV had been a vital escape, allowing her to vicariously live a much more interesting and fulfilling life than the one she had.

However, the time following Grant's infection was no laughing matter and she had no funny label for it. Instead, Skye decided to call the days prior to Grant coming to the Playground the Before and the time later as the After. While the Before had been challenging, it was nothing compared to the After. As she'd propelled Grant's bed down the hall towards the medical unit that was going to save his life, Captain America pushing Kara's bed by her side, she'd believed that things were looking up. Grant was finally on base with her, just like he should be. Yes, he was sick but Jemma would cure him and things could return to normal in no time. Later, she'd laugh at how naïve she'd been.

The first sign there was going to be trouble was when she pushed Grant's bed into the Covid unit. Jemma and her fellow medical professionals had obviously already been told they had more infected patients because they entered the room filled with ventilators, oxygen, digital monitors and beds already clad in their PPE. However, as Skye watched Jemma's face darken with anger as she talked with Coulson out in the hall, it was clear she was just now finding out who one of her patients was. Skye shifted uncomfortably the longer Jemma and Coulson talked, wondering just how much pushback she was going to get for her relationship with Grant.

Steve seemed to share her thoughts. "I'm sure I don't have to tell you this but what's right isn't always what's easy," he said in a low voice. He glanced back at Coulson and Jemma still talking in the hall then refocused on Skye. His gaze was so intense that she suddenly felt shy. "You may be in for a rough couple of weeks but they'll come around."

"And if they don't?" she practically whispered. Giving voice to her fear too loud might make it come true.

He smiled faintly. "Then you always have a place with our team."

She barely had time to nod back at him before Jemma appeared at her side, eyes blazing but her jaw set. "Captain Rogers, Skye, I must ask you to leave now. My team and I need to see to our patients," she said in her Dr. Simmons' voice. Skye hesitated, not wanting to leave Grant in such a vulnerable state with someone so angry at him. Jemma must've realized this because she said in a low voice, "Whatever differences I may have with someone, no matter what they've done to me, whenever they become my patient, it's my duty to care for them as best I can."

While this was somewhat reassuring to hear, Skye still flinched at the underlying ferocity in Jemma's voice. She wanted to argue that what Grant did to Jemma wasn't that bad, that there were reasons for his actions and he'd probably saved her life (again), but she knew now wasn't the time. Grant needed immediate treatment and Jemma wasn't ready to listen.

"We brought our agents here because we knew they'd be in the best hands," Steve said loudly. "Thank you all for doing such tough work. The Avengers and I are grateful." It was difficult to tell what he was thinking behind his blank expression but Skye suspected Captain America was trying to encourage Jemma and her team to do their best while also letting them know that he and the Avengers would be watching. He made eye contact with each member of the medical team, patted Kara on the shoulder and left.

Skye looked down at Grant. His eyes were closed, his face even more flushed than it had been when she first saw him. She longed to touch him, to put her hand on his cheek so he'd know she was there but this stupid virus denied both of them that small comfort.

"I have to go now," she told him. She stopped, uncertain what to say next. Should she tell him to get better? He was undoubtedly trying to do just that, so it would sound stupid. She wanted to let him know how much she cared, how lost she'd be without him if he didn't get well, but wasn't sure if it would be appropriate. Would Grant even appreciate sentiment when he was fighting for his life? At a loss, she glanced over at Kara who smiled slightly and nodded encouragingly, almost like she was giving Skye permission to say what needed to be said. Time to go for broke. "I love you, Grant. I'll be back when I can."

His eyes opened slowly, like it was both difficult and painful to do. He didn't try to smile but she could tell in his expression that he'd not only heard what she said but was happy she'd said it.

He seemed to be the only one though because Jemma said in a hostile tone, "You really need to go now, Skye." She waited until Skye nodded her acquiescence, then said, "You can take off your PPE and clothes over there." She pointed at the adjoining room. "Place them in the container provided. Protocol dictates that you cannot leave that area until you've taken a shower and put on the clean clothes waiting there for you."

"Thanks, Jem," Skye said softly as she backed away from the bed. She raised her hand in farewell to Kara, deeply grateful for her generosity. Kara clearly didn't feel well and was battling a bad illness yet she still extended herself so that Grant could hear something that would make him feel at least the tiniest bit better. All her previous jealousy over Kara evaporated in that moment, especially since Skye wasn't sure she would've expressed her love for Grant had Kara not been there.

The short walk to the decontamination room was its own special kind of hell as Skye considered just how much danger she might've put herself in by being so close to the coronavirus. It's all well and good for Captain America. He's immune! she grumbled to herself, trying to drown out her terror with humor. But it fell flat. While she knew logically that younger and healthier people tended to have an easier time with the virus (how could she not know given the multiple briefings on the pandemic Coulson insisted everyone on the base attend), nothing was certain. And, of course, there was Grant. He was young and in incredible shape, yet he seemed very sick.

Skye slowly took off her gown, gloves, mask, and face shield, trying to ignore the feeling of touching a biohazard. Is this what's going to kill me? she thought as she took off her clothes. Then she gave herself a mental shake. Yes, she'd taken a big risk but she'd done it for Grant. He wouldn't have hesitated to do it for her. She smiled to herself as she thought back to one of his lessons as her Supervising Officer.

"Courage is a fleeting emotion," he'd told her after she'd frozen during a training exercise. Skye had been embarrassed by her fear and how it affected her, especially by something that wasn't even real. Grant could've taken the opportunity to mock or make her feel bad but he chose gentleness instead. "No one can be courageous all the time. That's why we train so hard. Your training will kick in so you'll focus on what you need to do instead of how you feel."

When Grant first became her SO, she'd found him cold, abrupt, and impatient. But after the gravitonium mission when they'd connected over the punching bag in the cargo hold, she'd detected a softening in him, like he'd decided she was worth the effort. Even so, Skye still thought he was a harsh taskmaster. It was only in looking back that she realized just how gentle he'd actually been. Grant always made sure she ate well, remained hydrated, got plenty of sleep, and he never seemed to mind explaining concepts over and over until she mastered them. He answered her many questions and occasionally laughed at her jokes.

Best of all, he never made fun of her fears. During a particularly terrifying briefing, his seat next to hers allowed him to notice her wide eyes and shallow breathing. He'd casually leaned over during a pause and said in a low voice, "Fear of the unknown is common. Just concentrate on what you can control and trust the universe to take care of the rest." Remembering how he'd offered that advice with an understanding smile and a quick squeeze of her hand made her smile. Is it any wonder I fell in love with him?

Skye stepped in the shower, her concentration solely on making sure she counted to 20 as she soaped every part of her body thoroughly. She not only didn't want to get sick for her own sake but now she had to stay healthy for Grant too. Although she trusted Jemma to be professional, she had no idea what to expect from the others or what they would do once Grant got better. Would they try to throw him in Vault D? She had no idea. All she knew was that she would need to be ready to do battle for Grant's health and happiness.

As she walked down the hallway to her room – a walk that usually felt short but today felt like forever – Skye was grateful that her room was close by. Just a little longer, she promised herself. There was so much uncertainty in the air right now. She had no idea how the introduction of Grant and Kara into the base would be treated, so she had to be on her guard. The lessons of a lifetime spent around people who didn't care about her sadness kicked in and she refused to show weakness.

Skye looked at her doorway the same way she used to look at her van: like a haven. Like her van, this was now the only place she could be alone. She looked furtively around at the empty hallway before darting into her room. As soon as the door closed, Skye started crying. She'd held it together for both her sake and Grant's but, now that she was alone, she let go.

She sobbed out her fear of Grant being sick but, on the whole, she was confident he'd recover. After all, he was young, healthy and incredibly fit. Surely this virus, one that had such a low mortality rate, wouldn't be too difficult for him to fight. Consequently, her tears for his illness were brief and instead she started crying for the abrupt unmasking of her relationship with Grant.

She'd always planned to tell her friends and colleagues about them but hoped to do it in a way of her own choosing, with funny and meaningful stories of how their relationship grew and being able to paint Grant in a good light. She'd counted on people knowing about his work with Spies R Us and the Avengers and that he'd been struggling to counteract the brainwashing that caused his terrible behavior in the first place. But now, things were different. The base didn't hear information about Grant or about them as a couple gradually but all at once, without the context that might lead to understanding.

Skye had seen firsthand the judgment in the eyes of both Coulson and Jemma and she was scared. In an ironic reversal of the words she'd once used to taunt the handler at Cybertech, SHIELD was the plucky little family she'd never had. They'd taken her in, praised her talent, taught her skills, and welcomed her into their group. SHIELD was her life now. These were her people and she dreaded facing their reaction to her relationship with Grant. She knew they'd be angry, especially at her lies of omission, but would they be angry enough to kick her out? The mere thought of not having them anymore, of being without family again, was terrifying.

A knock on her door made her jump. Skye debated pretending she wasn't in her room but quickly realized that would be a non-starter when she heard Trip call out, "Girl, I know you're in there." Time to face the music.

When she opened her door, Trip was leaning on the doorframe, arms crossed and face blank. Her heart sank a little at the absence of his usual easy grin. "We missed you at dinner. I wanted to make certain you got some food in you."

"Thanks but I'm not hungry," Skye replied faintly, avoiding Trip's gaze. Not only did she not want to see the look on his face (Is he angry with me? Disappointed?) but the idea of parading herself into the kitchen and dining area was not appealing. And she truly wasn't hungry. Even though she'd skipped lunch due to Grant's arrival at the base, the situation wiped away any appetite she might've had.

"You, not hungry? That'd be a first," Trip scoffed. "I'll tell you what. You eat and I'll be the one sitting across from you gloating that I called you being in love weeks ago."

Skye's eyes flew to his face, shocked to see his familiar teasing expression. Tears sprang into her eyes at the utter relief that at least she'd have one ally by her side.

"Come on, now. The thought of me being right can't be that bad," he joked. "It does happen on occasion."

Skye laughed a little in spite of herself, her body relaxing for the first time since she saw Natasha and Steve enter the Playground. Thank god for Trip! Her stomach growled loudly, making its displeasure at going without regular food quite evident.

Trip laughed out loud. "Would you look at that? I'm right again! Are you going to stand there out of stubbornness or are you going to come quietly?"

Skye nodded her acquiescence and allowed Trip to steer her down the hall, his arm lightly around her shoulders. She listened with half an ear to his funny stories about the great lengths his family would go to in order to get out of hearing the Howling Commando stories told by the elder members. Tales of a rapid mass exodus of family members from rooms, spontaneous singing, impromptu dance contests, and secret headphones flowed, all told in Trip's trademark laidback style.

She laughed at all the appropriate places, resisting the pull of her own sadness and jealousy. What must it be like to come from a family so rich in its own history that stories were something to be avoided? Skye felt like she would gladly listen for hours if only she had someone who could talk about her relatives. She wouldn't even care if they repeated themselves or were boring.

Trip's amusing anecdotes lasted throughout her meal, something Skye was grateful for as she noticed signs of him wanting to talk more seriously after she'd finished. She'd needed food and talking about somber topics would've upset her digestion.

Only after he'd watched her wipe the last crumbs of a chocolate chip cookie from her lips did Trip say anything serious. "Rumor has it that you're in love with Ward."

Skye considered saying something snarky about how fast news traveled since they apparently had nothing else to do but gossip but Trip had been kind to her. He didn't deserve her sarcasm. "I am," she admitted.

He looked to the side, almost as if he were choosing his words carefully. But his next sentence was vintage Trip. "Girl, you know that's not going to go over very well around here."

"I know. I understand why people are upset with Grant but it doesn't change how I feel." The conversation felt surreal. She'd spent so much time imagining how such a talk would go, coaching herself to reassure everyone that she cared about their feelings, that she completely understood their anger and respected it. But now that the time had come, she was just so tired and upset that she had no energy for taking care of other people's feelings.

Trip didn't seem upset by her forthright statement though. He just sighed, shaking his head ruefully. "Have you been in touch with him this whole time?"

This was an important question. She certainly didn't want her colleagues to think she'd known where Grant was this whole time. "No. We ran into each other at the store when I did my grocery run." She smiled a little, remembering their conversation over pie. "I yelled at him but instead of getting upset or defensive, he apologized and explained why he did what he did."

"Yeah? What was his explanation?"

"Garrett." Skye noted the fleeting expressions that crossed Trip's face at the sound of his former boss' name. Once again, she'd thought that she'd take a lot of time explaining Grant's situation but she just didn't have it in her. "He was a huge bastard but…," she rolled her eyes slightly, "…apparently, he was also quite charismatic."

Trip sat quietly for a moment, remembering. "He was. We all felt it, even the people who didn't like him. Garrett was arrogant and demanding but there was something about him that made you want to make him happy or just be around. Even Coulson felt it."

Skye's eyes got big. "He did?"

He smiled slightly. "Oh yeah. The two of them were as thick as thieves for a while. Why do you think Coulson's so mad at Ward? It isn't just about what he did. Coulson was taken in by Garrett just like everyone else but he doesn't want to admit it. He pins his anger on Ward because he knew about Garrett when Coulson didn't."

Huh. This was interesting news, something Skye never even considered. "Were you taken in by Garrett?" she asked.

"I never liked the man but a lot of people, including me, fell all over themselves to do what he wanted. If he didn't like you, you'd definitely regret it. But if he liked you, it felt like you were on top of the world. Ward was always his favorite though. Garrett would go on and on about all the amazing things Ward could do, how he was the best since Romanoff." Trip paused again, looking off to the side, then turning back with a direct stare. "It was almost like Ward was his son."

"Do you know what he did to Grant?" Skye asked faintly.

"I obviously don't know as much as you do but I know enough to have questions. Their relationship always felt off, like there was something deeper between them that the rest of us couldn't know about. After SHIELD fell, I thought it was the Hydra connection but after Cybertech, I started thinking it was something more. I even looked up Ward's file but it was pretty boring, almost like it'd been sanitized."

"It was. Garrett made sure of that. He found Grant when he was 15 years old, sitting in juvy because he'd fought back against his abusive family. Garrett kidnapped him and left him in the woods for five years by himself, basically brainwashing him. Grant was kind of like those child soldiers you always hear about. He's only realized over the last few months just how bad his situation was and that he didn't owe Garrett anything." Skye wasn't sure if Grant would want his history shared but, quite frankly, he owed it to the people he'd wronged and it was essential for them to know if they were ever going to forgive him.

Trip's eyebrows rose. "That's even worse than I thought it would be."

"Yeah. Grant's done some terrible things but it's hard to be angry at him when you know the whole story. He spent five years dealing with a manipulative psychopath which totally sucks. But thanks to the Avengers, he's trying to get better. They take that whole second chance thing pretty seriously."

"I heard Captain America was pretty clear about that," Trip said with a slight grin. He looked searchingly at Skye. "I get your connection to Ward. Neither of you had people looking out for you and you understand being vulnerable."

Skye squirmed, disliking the feeling of being too seen. She'd never realized how perceptive Trip was. Clearly, he disguised it under his laidback manner. "I had run-ins with some bad people but," she smiled, "I was lucky that the only people who kidnapped me were SHIELD." Skye turned serious again. "But I know from my foster kid days how much you want to please someone you think cares about you."

"I get that too but not in the same way you and Ward do." The old teasing grin resurfaced. "Besides, I'm told Ward is kind of attractive….if you like that kind of thing."

Skye laughed, pleased that Trip brought their conversation back into more comfortable territory. "Is that so? I never noticed."

He laughed too, then his smile faded. "You know you're in for a tough time with all this, right?"

She nodded. "He's worth it though." She paused, wondering if it was fair for her to ask for Trip's help, then decided to go for broke. Trip was his own person and could choose for himself. "It'd help a lot if you were willing to talk with the others about Grant, tell them his story. They probably won't believe me since I'm…" she pantomimed finger quotes, "'emotionally compromised' but they'll listen to you."

"I can try." Trip got up from the table and held out his hand to help Skye to her feet. "It's late and someone needs her beauty sleep."

Skye felt good about their conversation, relieved she'd have at least one ally on base. As she lay in her bed, trying to let the worry drain away so she could sleep, she felt at peace. She didn't know that it would be the last peace she'd get for a while.