Chapter 4: Welcome to My Life
Klaus copied the spaghetti and meatballs recipe onto a piece of paper.
"Now Jane needs to pick out a song," Klaus said. "What do you want to sing Jane?"
"I have songbooks," Justice Strauss said. "There was one I had stuck in my head called "I'm Like a Bird." Could that be it?"
"I like that song," I said. "But I'd like to sing Avril Lavigne."
"Ah yes, pop rock is excellent for getting out your emotions," she said. "You'll need a guitar for that. I have one I could lend you."
"A guitar…" Violet mused. "That was on the list of one of the objects I wanted to make."
"You could help Jane tune it then and tighten the strings," she said.
"And she could teach us how to play it," she said. "I love music too Jane. What are you going to sing?"
"I don't really want to sing," I said. "But I have to because of Count Olaf."
"He probably wants to make you a star, Jane," Justice Strauss said. "You're lucky. Just do your best. I don't blame you for being nervous. Stage fright is common."
I sighed and looked at the Baudelaires.
"Just perform for us," Violet said. "Pretend it's just us. We want to hear you sing. Is that your dream Jane?"
"Yes," I said. "I want to be a singer or an actress."
"And you read books," Klaus said. "Do you like to write too?"
"Yes," I said. "I keep a journal. I write everything down in it like a book but sometimes I get bored. I feel like my life is boring."
"You're not boring Jane," Violet said. "I used to keep a diary but it ended up being a book of diagrams of my inventions. I love to write though. I would write about my inventions and observations."
"You should try writing down your thoughts," I said. "It helps me when I'm angry or sad."
"It's therapeutic," Klaus remarked. "I'll try it Jane."
"Wright, Jane," Sunny shrieked which I understood meant, "You could teach me how to write, Jane."
"Perfect," Justice Strauss said. "I have some spare notebooks I could give to you if you all want to be writers like Jane. I'll give you the songbook. They're in alphabetical order. Avril Lavigne is easy to find. A friend of mine gave it to me shortly before I met you. He must have known I would be hosting you children at my house."
Justice Strauss led us over to her collection of songbooks and immediately pulled out an Avril Lavigne song book. I looked through it with the Baudelaires and picked the song Nobody's Home. There was a black, shiny acoustic guitar leaning against the bookshelf which was perfect for the dark tone of the song I would sing. Then Justice Strauss handed us each a notebook of a different color. Mine was black, as depressing as our circumstances at Count Olaf's. Klaus received a dark green one and Violet a dark purple one while Sunny's was dark yellow like a dim light.
"What a lovely day you're having," Justice Strauss said. "I'll take you to the supermarket to buy the ingredients."
We spent the day with Justice Strauss at the supermarket searching for the ingredients while getting a chance to sample olives that we were going to use as an appetizer. We left the guitar at Justice Strauss' place and when we got back, Violet tuned it and tightened the strings so I could rehearse. I practiced several times in front of the Baudelaires and I made Justice Strauss tear up.
"You have a beautiful voice, Jane," Justice Strauss said. "You'll enjoy the limelight with the life you've had."
"I don't think so," Klaus said sounding sad. "But I know I loved it."
My heart soared and I beamed at Klaus who held my gaze for a moment before turning away.
"The first time ever I saw your face
I thought the sun rose in your eyes
And the moon and the stars were the gifts you gave
To the dark and the empty skies
And the first time ever I kissed your mouth
I felt the earth move in my hands
Like the trembling heart of a captive bird
That must stay at my command, my love
And the first time ever I lay with you
I felt your heart so close to mine
And I knew our joy would fill the Earth
And last and last and last
'Til the end of time, my love
The first time ever I saw your face, your face
Your face, your face."
(The First Time I Ever Saw Your Face, Leona Lewis)
Violet was smiling at both of us and Sunny shrieked something I couldn't comprehend and I didn't get an explanation this time. Violet put a hand on my shoulder.
"You'll do great, Jane," she said. Then she looked over at Justice Strauss. "Thanks for your help today. We couldn't have done it without you."
"You all seem like smart and talented people," she said. "It's odd that Count Olaf wants you to prepare a meal so enormous. I must put away my groceries. I hope you will visit and read the books from my library."
"Tomorrow?" Klaus said quickly. "Could we come over tomorrow?"
He looked at me again as quick as he spoke. I caught a smile on his lips.
"I don't see why not," Justice Strauss said and patted Klaus on the shoulder.
"I can't tell you how much we appreciate this," Violet said, and looked tentative as if there were more she wanted to say. "Could we repay you with household chores?" she asked finally. "Sunny isn't old enough to help but we could find a way."
Justice Strauss smiled at all of us with sad eyes. She put a hand on Violet's hair. "That won't be necessary," Justice Strauss said. "You are always welcome in my home."
She escorted us out of her home and we crossed the street back to Count Olaf's home and I swallowed as I stared at the dismal house and our moment of happiness spent with Justice Strauss came to a sudden, screeching halt.
We spent the late afternoon preparing the spaghetti and meatballs. We worked on it together with me as the head chef as I read the instructions to Violet, Klaus, and Sunny and boiled the pasta while Klaus chopped up the ingredients and Violet rolled up the meatballs. Violet sautéd the ingredients in the pan with water to help make the sauce.
While we cooked it put me in the mood to sing a song with Sunny who banged the wooden spoon against the pot in encouragement.
Happiness hit her like a train on a track
Coming towards her stuck still no turning back
She hid around corners and she hid under beds
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled
With every bubble she sank with her drink
And washed it away down the kitchen sink
The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run
Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your longing behind
You can't carry it with you if you want to survive
The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come
And I never wanted anything from you
Except everything you had and what was left after that too, oh
Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back
Struck from a great height by someone who should know better than that
The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come
Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your longing behind
You can't carry it with you if you want to survive
The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come
The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run
(The Dog Days Are Over, Florence + the Machine)
The Baudelaires were quiet after and I knew they were reminiscing about memories of their parents.
The three orphans spoke of pleasant memories of their parents while I took out the tray of brownies we made for dessert. As soon as the brownies cooled there was a loud raucous banging noise from the front door as it flung open. Light streamed in to the otherwise dark mansion and I could see the dust particles floating in the air as I went to answer it.
"Hello orphan," Count Olaf said when he peered down at me with shiny eyes. His theater troupe were behind him, a mass of villainous associates staring at me with devious sneers. "I have special plans for you orphans don't you worry. By the way, you didn't answer the door on time. I expect you to be here on time to greet me and my associates. Where are the rest of the brats?"
"In the kitchen," I answered. "I don't want anything from you."
"You have no choice Blondie," he said. "I'm your guardian and I'll decide your life. Get back in the kitchen bookworm."
I turned to see Klaus in the doorway of the kitchen, watching me with a careful gaze.
"Dinner is finished," Klaus said.
"It better be," Count Olaf said and made his way past me and Klaus and into the kitchen. "Into the kitchen I said," he ordered and Klaus and I followed and stood by the sink next to Violet and Sunny. He looked at Violet with shiny eyes and then at the pot of spaghetti and meatballs and the brownie tray. "My troupe is right behind me and they are very hungry. Where is the roast beef?"
"We didn't make roast beef," Violet said. "We made spaghetti and meatballs."
"What?" Count Olaf asked. "No roast beef?"
"You didn't tell us you wanted roast beef," Klaus said.
"We made it from scratch," I said. "From a cookbook."
Count Olaf slipped toward us as we huddled together in fear. Klaus took my hand and I was about to pull it away but I was so afraid of Count Olaf that I squeezed it. His eyes grew so shiny that it made me squint and his eyebrow was raised in fury.
"In agreeing to adopt you," he said, "I have become your father, and as your father I am not someone to be trifled with. I demand that you serve roast beef to myself and my guests."
"We don't have any!" Violet cried. "We made spaghetti and meatballs!"
"No! No! No!" Sunny shouted.
Count Olaf peered down at Sunny with a fierce glower and hoisted her up into the air with a roar. He raised her up with one bony hand and held her so high that she stared him in the eye. Sunny began crying and Klaus let go of my hand and raised his hands up to try to catch Sunny.
"Put her down immediately, you beast!" he roared back. She was too much out of his reach and rose her even higher as if he were about to drop her.
I stood there panicked and frozen, unsure of what to do.
"It was my idea!" I cried finally. "Put her down. It was my idea to cook the spaghetti."
The Baudelaires stared at me in protest and Count Olaf lowered Sunny, his gaze turned to me. He stared down at me with his shiny eyes and looked like he was ready to slap me but then his expression changed and he swallowed.
"You'll pay for that orphan," he said. "But later."
He let Klaus grab Sunny and Violet looked at me with worry.
"We helped," Klaus said. "I did. It wasn't just Jane."
"No, no, no," Count Olaf said, "I believe her. I know it was her. She will take the fall instead. You'll see."
Voices came from the hall: "Olaf! Where's Olaf?" Count Olaf paused and we watched his theater troupe walk into the kitchen.
They filled the room and all looked strange. One of them was a tall man with hooks for hands. There were two pale faced women resembling ghouls, a bald man with a large nose who was looking at me with deviant grin, and a man who looked fat and genderless.
"Here you are, Olaf," said one of the white-faced women. "What in the world are you doing?"
"I'm just disciplining these orphans," Count Olaf said. "It was Jane Rumary's fault. I asked them to make dinner, and all they have made is some disgusting tomato sauce with crunchy noodles."
"You can't go easy on children," the man with the hook-hands said. "They must be taught to obey their elders."
The tall, bald man looked at me like he wanted to strike me himself for it and I tried not to look at him. My stomach churned. Klaus grasped my hand again and now that I could pay more attention, I realized how right it felt.
"Are these," the hook-handed man said to Count Olaf, "those wealthy children you were telling me about?"
"Yes," Count Olaf said. "They are so awful I can scarcely stand to touch them."
"I don't blame you," said one of his other troupe members from the doorway. Count Olaf rubbed his hands together as if Sunny were disgusting.
"Well, enough talk," he said. "I suppose we will eat their dinner, even though it is all wrong. Everyone, follow me to the dining room and I will pour us some wine. Perhaps by the time these brats serve us, we will be too drunk to care if it is roast beef or not."
"Hurrah!" some of his troupe members cried, and they stormed through the kitchen and traipsed into the dining room after Count Olaf.
The bald man lingered and put his hands on both Violet's and my face. I swatted it away, but he grasped my hand in a vice grip.
"You two are pretty," he said. "If I were you I would try not to anger Count Olaf, or me," he added looking at me, "he might wreck your pretty little faces."
Violet shuddered and I glowered at the bald man. He looked like he wanted to make good on his promise but Count Olaf called him and he left the room.
We huddled together all by ourselves in the kitchen while we caught our breaths.
Sunny was wailing and Klaus's eyes filled with tears. Violet wasn't crying but I saw her tremble with fear and revulsion. I only cried when I saw Klaus crying.
Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever want to run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming
No you don't know what its like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what its like to be like me
To be hurt, to feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one there to save you
No you don't know what its like
Welcome to my life
Do you want to be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With the big fake smiles and stupid lies
But deep inside you're bleeding
No you don't know what its like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what its like to be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one there to save you
No you don't know what its like
Welcome to my life
No one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy
But I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You don't know what its like
What its like
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one there to save you
No you don't know what its like
What its like
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what its like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
(Welcome to My Life, Simple Plan)
I took Klaus' hand.
"It's okay," I said. But I stopped. I thought I had something to say that might help. I was used to being bullied at school except this was different. Madame Bovary wasn't here to get me out of trouble. I wished she were here. I would crying to her right now. This time I was crying to Klaus.
"This is terrible, terrible," Klaus said finally. "Violet, what can we do?"
"I don't know," she said. "I'm afraid."
"Me too," Klaus said.
"Hux!" Sunny said, as her sobs ceased, which I knew meant, "Me too!"
"I don't even know what to do," I said. "And I've been bullied my whole life."
"You took the fall for us Jane," Klaus said. "You saved Sunny. We couldn't thank you enough."
"Thank you, Jane," Violet said.
"Herrh," Sunny said which I could tell meant, "You're our hero."
"You're welcome, Sunny," I said. "I know we can get out of this. All we need is a miracle."
"I've never seen a miracle," Klaus said.
"Of course you have," I said. "They're everywhere. You had a happy childhood with your parents before it happened. That was a miracle. I know you lost them but you still have those happy memories. You know what it's like to be happy. And if you remember that, it proves that your lives can be happy like that again."
"We lost it," Violet said sadly. "But she's right. We got time to spend with our parents and Jane didn't. We were fortunate then."
"I was suffering greatly at my boarding school," I said, "From bullying from everyone. The students and the teachers and I knew it was because I was basically the school maid cause I didn't have parents who could pay for me to go there. Madame Bovary made the deal with her supervisor."
"But she was the headmistress," Violet said. "She could have decided."
"For some reason she was required to have a supervisor because the school was religious in the Anglican faith. I was suffering one day and the reverend told me about how a guardian angel saved her from a car accident. And I think that's what saved me from the fire. A guardian angel."
"Wow," Klaus said. "It reminds me of Jane Eyre. She went to a boarding school just like yours. Our lives are so dark though that I don't know if we'll ever see or hear of one."
"Let's have some dinner!" one of the troupe members shouted from the dining room. We could hear them banging on the table in a succinct rhythm.
"We'd better serve the spaghetti," Klaus said, "or who knows what Count Olaf will do to us."
Violet nodded while I grumbled inwardly. I didn't want to serve them after hearing them bang on the table but I had no other choice. I forced myself to hide my tears as we served them the spaghetti with homemade sauce and meatballs. They were talking and laughing obnoxiously while drinking nonstop from wine cups. I feared that I didn't serve them enough meatballs and I could see Violet trembling and I was afraid she might spill the sauce. We did everything to prevent Count Olaf's from erupting in a rage. He was watching me especially and I almost dropped a meatball on the floor. I tried not to glower back. As much as I didn't like Count Olaf, I couldn't lead him to a temper if I wanted to survive. When we were done we returned to the kitchen and I plugged my ears to drown out their rude, rough laughter. We tried to eat but I found I wasn't hungry and neither were the Baudelaires. They started banging on the table again when they were finished and we served them the brownies.
"Now blonde girl," Count Olaf called. "You are to perform for us. I hope you've prepared."
"I have," I said but suddenly felt queasy that I was performing for villains instead of Justice Strauss and the Baudelaires. I grabbed the guitar that was leaning against a cupboard and stood before Count Olaf and his theater members and began to strum. I was nervous so my voice came out flat and breathy.
I couldn't tell you
Why she felt that way
She felt it everyday
And I couldn't help her
I just watched her make
The same mistakes again
What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems
Don't know where she belongs
Where she belongs
She wants to go home
But nobody's home
That's where she lies
Broken inside
With no place to go
No place to go
To dry her eyes
Broken inside
Open your eyes
And look outside
Find the reasons why
You've been rejected
And now you can't find
What you left behind
Be strong, be strong now
Too many, too many problems
Don't know where she belongs
Where she belongs
She wants to go home
But nobody's home
That's where she lies
Broken inside
With no place to go
No place to go
To dry her eyes
Broken inside
Her feelings she hides
Her dreams she can't find
She's losing her mind
She's falling behind
She can't find her place
She's losing her faith
She's falling from grace
She's all over the place, yeah
She wants to go home
But nobody's home
That's where she lies
Broken inside
With no place to go
No place to go to
To dry her eyes
Broken inside
She's lost inside, lost inside
She's lost inside, lost inside
(Nobody's Home, Avril Lavigne)
Count Olaf and his troupe members erupted into laughter and seemed to be glad that I was miserable. I left the room quickly back to the Baudelaires and Violet hugged me to hide me from their snickers. Klaus was teary and was hiding his face from me.
"Come back, orphan," Count Olaf demanded. "We want an encore. Sing something else. That was boring."
I regained my courage and returned to face Count Olaf and his troupe.
"I didn't prepare another song," I said.
"What?" Count Olaf roared. "You always prepare for an encore. But I suppose that's why you'll never make it in the performing arts. We hated the performance. Sing orphan. Sing. Like your life depends on it!"
"She doesn't want to," Klaus answered and I noticed he was standing beside me.
"It's okay Klaus," I said. "I'll think of something…something…No I'm going blank. Stage fright I guess. I never get stage fright though."
"It's the people," Klaus said to me in a low voice. "Come on. It was a great performance. Don't listen to them. They're treating you like a toy."
"Perform now, Jane," Count Olaf said. "Or you'll lose your own dinner."
"She looks like she's already about to," one of the white faced woman said with a guffaw.
"We'll sing together then," Klaus said. "I'll start…"
I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life and I thought, hey
You know this could be something
'Cause everything you do and words you say
You know that it all takes my breath away
And now I'm left with nothing
So maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
And maybe two is better than one
But there's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two is better than one
I remember every look upon your face
The way you roll your eyes, the way you taste
You make it hard for breathing
'Cause when I close my eyes and drift away
I think of you and everything's okay
I'm finally now believing
That maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
And maybe two is better than one
But there's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two is better than one
I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life and I thought, hey
Maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
And maybe two is better than one
There's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking, ooh
I can't live without you
'Cause, baby, two is better than one
There's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
But I figured out with all that's said and done
Two is better than one
Two is better than one
(Two is Better Than One, Boys Like Girls feat. Taylor Swift)
The troupe members laughed again and I left the room with Klaus. He saved me from further humiliation and Count Olaf didn't bother me again. I suppose he would later.
They went back to drinking wine and were soon collapsed against their chairs, their chatter ceasing. They headed back to the kitchen with Count Olaf and made their way out of the house. Count Olaf surveyed the room filled with dirty dishes.
"Because you haven't cleaned up yet," he said to us, "I suppose you can be excused from attending tonight's performance. But after cleaning up, you are to go straight to your beds."
I noticed Klaus glowering at the floor, looking like he wanted to cry. Then he burst out: "You mean our bed!" he shouted. "You have only provided us with one bed!"
His theater troupe members stopped to watch what Count Olaf would do next. I looked from Klaus to Count Olaf in apprehension. His eyebrow was raised and his eyes shone so bright that I couldn't look at him.
Surprisingly he spoke calmly, but I didn't buy it. I didn't know what to do. Klaus spoke what had already been stirring in my own head but only Klaus had voiced it and I knew it was a grave mistake.
"If you would like another bed," Count Olaf said slowly, "tomorrow you may go into town and purchase one."
"You know perfectly well we haven't any money," Klaus said.
"Of course you do," Count Olaf said, and he raised his voice. "You are the inheritors of an enormous fortune. You Baudelaires and Jane."
"That money," Klaus said, "is not to be used until Violet or Jane is of age."
Count Olaf's face reddened. He was silent. Then all at once he reached down and struck Klaus across the face. Klaus fell over onto the floor near Count Olaf's tattooed ankle. His glasses fell off and skittered into a corner. His cheek was beat red and he clutched it as if it were on fire. I went to his side and knelt beside him, trying to shield him from Count Olaf but he was done punishing us. The theater troupe laughed and applauded.
"Come on, friends," Count Olaf said to his comrades. "We'll be late for our own performance."
"If I know you, Olaf," the man with hooks for hands said, "you'll figure out a way to get at the Baudelaire and Rumary fortunes."
"We'll see," Count Olaf said. His eyes shone so bright that I knew he already had an idea but I didn't know what it could be. All we could do was wait. He already had us. But I promised the Baudelaires that we could look for miracles. We needed one desperately.
Violet knelt on Klaus' other side and held him close. Sunny crawled to his glasses and back over to him while Klaus sobbed in my arms. I helped Klaus up when he could manage and we went to wash the dishes while we wept quietly. We went to bed afterwards and Klaus laid down on the bed with Violet and Sunny was in her little cushion of curtains. I sat on the floor beside the bed and wept with the Baudelaires.
"I'm sorry, Klaus," I said and put a hand on his shoulder. "I said to look for miracles. We haven't gotten one yet. But if you believe we'll get one. Even a small mercy."
"It's you Jane," Klaus said, "You're our miracle."
I stared at Klaus in delight and he stared back like he wanted to kiss me. I was nervous but I felt the same. Finally, I leaned forward and kissed his red cheek.
"Goodnight Klaus," I said. "We'll see a miracle, I promise."
Despite the bleak circumstances, I still held onto my faith in a miracle that would save us from Count Olaf and bring us to a safer home.