Chapter 12: The Marvelous Marriage
We stood backstage in our nightgowns and our pajamas and watched the members of Count Olaf's theater troupe bustling about and performing their various roles. Violet whispered to me to sign the document with my left hand, reaffirming Monty Kensicle's plea. I held onto Klaus' hand and wished I were in a play about marrying Klaus rather than Count Olaf though we were far too young.
"I don't know what to do to save you," Klaus said to me and Violet. "It's clear that you're going to be marrying Count Olaf and nothing can stop it. I'm sorry."
"I wish I didn't have to say I do," I said. "I prepared a song. I hope I can warn the audience of Count Olaf's plan. If I could choose who I was marrying…I'd pick you, Klaus."
Klaus' cheeks turned pink and as I caught my reflection in the mirror I noticed mine were as well. I stared into Klaus' eyes and without another moment's hesitation, leaned forward to kiss his small, soft lips.
"I like you Jane," he said. "A lot. I'm glad we met."
We could hear the audience roar in applause as the play began with the various performers hurrying around backstage.
I stayed holding Klaus' hand until Count Olaf came offstage towards us. "What on earth are you doing? Let go of her hand, bookworm. She's my bride. Now, get in your costumes." He waved the white-faced women toward us and then went back onstage as the curtain rose for a bow. The curtain closed for intermission.
"Intermission is only ten minutes," Count Olaf said, "and then the children must perform. Get them into costumes, quickly!"
One of the white-faced women roughly grabbed my arm and had to pull me away from Klaus and I struggled against them as they put the dress on.
"You look pretty," the bald man said from across the room with a taunting expression. After makeup was lathered on my face, I turned to look miserably at Klaus.
"I don't feel pretty," I whispered. "How could I? I'll be Olaf's bride. I'll never marry the love of my life."
"I think you're pretty," Klaus said and touched the tear that rolled down my cheek. "Just sing your song. Hopefully they'll hear you."
"I'll sing it for you," I said and he kissed me on the cheek, his own eyes watering with tears.
"Isn't this exciting?"cried Justice Strauss as she approached us wearing her robes and a powdered wig. She grasped a small book in her hand. "You children look wonderful!"
"So do you," Klaus said. "What's that book?"
"It's my script. I'm supposed to perform the ceremony as if it were a real wedding to make the play feel more real. This is going to be such fun. Aren't you excited to be the brides?"
"Not really," I said. "We have to tell you something."
"You could change your speech up," Violet suggested.
"Yes, Justice Strauss," Klaus said, looking at me. "Be creative. There's no reason to stick to the legal ceremony. It's not as if it's a real wedding. What Jane is trying to tell you is that this is a real wedding. They are actually going to marry Count Olaf."
Justice Strauss frowned. "He wants it to be authentic. That's all. I think it would be best to follow Count Olaf's instructions and read it as a real wedding. After all, he's in charge."
"Justice Strauss!" called one of the make up artists. "Justice Strauss! Please report for your makeup!"
"Oh my word! I get to wear makeup." Justice Strauss said with a dazed expression like it was the best idea she ever heard. "Children, I must go. See you onstage, my dears!"
She left us and I pulled at the lacy, itchy dress I wore.
"What can we do?" Klaus said in confidence to me and Violet. "Pretend to be sick? Maybe they'd call off the performance."
"Count Olaf would know what we were up to," Violet replied glumly. "We need Jane to sing. She can warn the audience of Count Olaf's scheme."
"Act Three of The Marvelous Marriage by Al Funcoot is about to begin!" came the voice of a man holding a clipboard. "Get in your places for Act Three!"
The white-faced women grabbed our arms and dragged us out of the dressing room and backstage to the bald man.
"Don't cause any trouble," he said. "Do what you're ordered to do and if you don't, Sunny will fall to her death."
"Yes, yes," Klaus said and scowled at the ground.
"You'd better do exactly as planned," the man said again.
"I'm sure they will," came a voice belonging to Mr. Poe who was dressed for a formal occasion along with his wife. He gave us a smile and shook our hands.
"Polly and I just wanted to tell you to break a leg."
"What?" Klaus said, startled.
"That's a theater term," Mr. Poe explained, "meaning 'good luck on tonight's performance.' I'm glad that you children have adjusted to life with your new father and are participating in family activities."
"Mr. Poe, we need to tell you something," he said, "It's urgent."
"What is it?" Mr. Poe said.
"Yes," said Count Olaf, "what is it you have to tell Mr. Poe, children?"
I jumped and turned to face Count Olaf who stared at us with shiny eyes.
He held a walkie-talkie in one hand.
"Just that we appreciate all you've done for us, Mr. Poe," Klaus said weakly. "That's all we wanted to say." He looked at me sadly. "I'm sorry. I tried Jane."
"Of course, of course," Mr. Poe said and pat his back. "Well, Polly and I had better take our seats. Break a leg, Baudelaires and Miss Rumary!"
"I wish we could break a leg," Klaus whispered to Violet and I, and I grimaced as Mr. Poe left.
"You will, soon enough," Count Olaf said, and he pushed us roughly toward the stage. The bald man grabbed Klaus' arm.
"No," I cried as weak as Klaus. The bald man didn't hear me and I was now separated from Klaus and about to marry a man I despised.
Then the white faced women ushered Violet and I onstage and gave me the cue for my songs. The first one was for Klaus.
In your brown eyes, I walked away
In your brown eyes, I couldn't stay
In your brown eyes, you'll watch her go
Then turn the record on and wonder what went wrong
What went wrong?
If everything was everything, but everything is over
Everything could be everything if only we were older
I guess it's just a silly song about you
And how I lost you and your brown eyes
In your brown eyes, I was feeling low
'Cause they're brown eyes, and you never know
Got some brown eyes, but I saw her face
I knew that it was wrong, so baby, turn the record on
Play that song
Where everything was everything, but everything is over
Everything could be everything if only we were older
I guess it's just a silly song about you
And how I lost you and your brown eyes
Brown eyes
Everything was everything, but baby it's the last show
Everything could be everything, but it's time to say goodbye
So get your last fix and your last hit, grab your old girl with her new tricks
Honey, yeah, it's no surprise that I got lost in your brown eyes
In your brown eyes
Brown, brown eyes
Your brown eyes
Brown, brown eyes
Got some brown eyes
Brown, brown eyes
Your brown eyes
(Brown Eyes, Lady Gaga)
The song ended and I curtsied at the applause before I sang again, this time as a warning:
How? How? How?
I can't believe what you said to me
Last night we were alone
You threw your hands up
Baby, you gave up, you gave up
I can't believe how you looked at me
With your James Dean glossy eyes
In your tight jeans with your long hair
And your cigarette stained lies
Could we fix you if you broke?
And is your punch line just a joke?
I'll never talk again
Oh, boy, you've left me speechless
You've left me speechless, so speechless
And I'll never love again
Oh, boy, you've left me speechless
You've left me speechless, so speechless
I can't believe how you slurred at me
With your half wired broken jaw
You popped my heart seams
On my bubble dreams, bubble dreams
I can't believe how you looked at me
With your Johnnie Walker eyes
He's gonna get you, and after he's through
There's gonna be no love left to rye
And I know that it's complicated
But I'm a loser in love, so, baby
Raise a glass to mend all the broken hearts of
All my wrecked up friends
I'll never talk again
Oh, boy, you've left me speechless
You've left me speechless, so speechless
And I'll never love again
Oh, friend, you've left me speechless
You've left me speechless, so speechless
How? How? How?
How? How? How?
And after all the drinks and bars that we've been to
Would you give it all up?
Could I give it all up for you?
And after all the boys and girls that we've been through
Would you give it all up?
Could you give it all up?
If I promise, boy, to you
That I'll never talk again
And I'll never love again
I'll never write a song
Won't even sing along
I'll never love again
How?
So speechless
You left me speechless, so speechless
Will you ever talk again?
Oh, boy, why you so speechless?
You've left me speechless, so speechless
Some men may follow me
But you choose "Death and Company"
Why you so speechless? Oh-oh, oh
(Speechless, Lady Gaga)
I curtsied again and the white-faced woman pushed me back in my spot next to Violet and across from Count Olaf before a wedding arch. Justice Strauss began reading from her law book. She spoke the vows of marriage in sickness and in health and in both good and bad times. She finished the speech and turned to Count Olaf:
"Do you take these women to be your lawfully wedded wives?"
"I do," Count Olaf said, smiling. I shuddered and looked over at Klaus who couldn't stop crying.
"Do you," Justice Strauss said turning to Violet and I, "take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
"I do," Violet said.
"I do," I said. My only hope was signing the document with my left hand. I couldn't look at Klaus as I stepped forward and shakily signed the document with my left hand followed by Violet, my face a ghostly pale.