Settling into one of the armchairs in the lounge car, I absently rub at the spot where my prosthetic meets my leg. The dull ache that runs from my knee to where my leg ends is a result of having slept in my prosthetic, which frankly I find annoying since I wouldn't call what I did last night sleeping. Six hours of semi-conscious flailing is more like it. I haven't had a solid nights rest since boarding this damn train. I know our country is rebuilding after the war and all, but did they really have to send the same damn train that was used to cart us off to our deaths just two short years ago? Did it not occur to someone that this hunk of metal holds dark memories for victors?
Well, I guess if I'm being totally honest with myself not all of my memories of this place are terrible, but those memories aren't necessarily better and they sure as hell don't equal sleep. These memories, the good ones, tend to lure my mind into indulgent trips down memory lane which is a risky business for my damaged brain. I'm actually surprised they haven't triggered an episode. The one small, albeit selfish, solace I have is that I do not suffer alone. Katniss appeared at breakfast this morning with dark circles under her eyes and Haymitch, ever true to his character, hasn't neared anything approaching sobriety in the last 48 hours. I just hope we'll find some relief once we reach the Capitol, but I'm not betting on it.
Closing my eyes I let out a long breath and I try relaxing my body into the plush blue velvet of the chair. I'm just about to nod off when I hear the whoosh of the lounge car door. Lifting a sleepy eyelid, I peek out to see Thom making his way towards me. Damn it, I was so close...oh well. "Hey," I say rubbing the sleep from my eyes.
"Hey man look like you're about to fall over. What's wrong, that brunette of yours keepin' you up till all hours of the night?" Thom asks with a playful wink.
I can't stop a laugh from escaping if he only knew how close to the truth he actually is. "Thom, you know things aren't like that between Katniss and I," I rebuff nonchalantly.
Thom raises his eyebrows and smirks at me, clearly unconvinced. "Whatever you say Mellark."
My smile fades as the forest and mountains outside the train window give way to the outskirts of the Capitol. We're almost there. "Thom, while Katniss and I don't mind your... unique form of matchmaking, you know you can't say those kinds of things around the general public while we're in there," I say pointing out the window at the growing Capitol skyline.
Thom walks to the window and watches the passing scenery for a minute. "I know that," he finally says, a more serious note in his voice. Turning, he comes over and drops himself into the chair across from me. "You know that I don't just tease you two for kicks right?" he asks, raising an eyebrow.
I must look as confused as I feel because he laughs and leans back in the chair. "Look, if you are hoping to downplay the whole star-crossed lover's thing, I suggest you guys pay closer attention to your body language and that whole lingering eye lock thing y'all always have goin' on," he laughs.
I snort and open my mouth to protest when Haymitch's voice interrupted my objection. "He's right," he says his voice rough and graveled. I glance over and find that crossing the length of the car is the soberest version of Haymitch I've seen in more than a week. "Our silence isn't going to matter if you two don't tone it down," he rasps.
Groaning, I rub the heels of my hands into my eyes. "But we aren't' a couple," I growl in frustration.
Haymitch guffaws and flops down onto a couch to my left. "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look son, it doesn't matter to me what label you and sweetheart have assigned to your "friendship," he says using air quotes to denote the word friendship, "What Thom and I are trying to tell you is that if you keep it up it's not going to matter whether nor not we requested a ban on the whole star-crossed lovers thing."
My immediate reaction is to brush Haymitch and Thom off, but the strangely serious tone in Haymitch's voice has me reconsidering. "So you want me to what, ignore her? That would stir up rumors just as well don't ya think?" I ask rhetorically.
Haymitch is giving me a half shrug when the door at the back of the car whooshes open and Katniss enters. My stomach drops when I see her. Her face, in spite of the make-up she has applied, is very pale making the dark circles under her eyes look like faint bruises. Upon her face is an expression that is cross between a need to vomit and outright panic. "Damn it," I mutter under my breath. I've been preparing myself for this for weeks, but seeing her in this state is harder than I thought it would be.
Getting up I quickly cross the car to where she stands rooted to the floor, her gaze locked on the Capitol skyline out the window. "Katniss," I say softly. Her gaze reluctantly pulls away from the scene outside the window to lock with mine. Her eyes are large with alarm reminding me of a trapped animal. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I gesture towards the chair I just vacated. "Come sit down, I'll get you something to drink," I direct. She nods silently and I lead her over and deposit her into the chair. Going to the bar on the far wall of the car, I quickly mix up gin and tonic. Katniss isn't one to indulge in drink, especially during the day, but she needs something to calm her nerves. Coming back to the cluster of chairs and couches, I crouch down in front of her and hand her the glass. "Drink this, it will help calm you down a little," I suggest. With a shaky hand, she takes my offering and obediently beings sipping it.
"This," Haymitch says abruptly.
I glance at him, "What?" I ask distractedly.
Haymitch waves his hand, connecting Katniss and me with an invisible line. "This is what we're talking about," he says.
"Making sure she's okay and getting her drink, that's what passes as evidence of a torrid love affair?" I return snarkily.
This comment seems to bring Katniss out of her daze. "What are you two talking about?" she asks suspiciously.
Ignoring her question, Haymitch continues to lecture me, "It's not what you're doing, it's the intensity in which you do it. Look, you two can call this whatever you want, but they," he says pointing to the fast-approaching Capitol, "are going to draw their own conclusions, relationship ban or not."
Standing up, I walk over the window and look out. "They are going to assume things regardless of what we do," I mutter in defeat.
"Yeah, that may be true, but you don't need to give them ammunition," Haymitch rebuts.
"So you're basically saying I need to change how I talk to my friend, neighbor, and fellow victor? Sure thing, we can just change who we are for this trip…piece of cake!" she says sarcastically.
Haymitch grumbles under his breath something about needing a drink and is just about to launch into a lecture when Thom clears his throat. "Maybe we could come up with some sort of signal, a word or gesture. Just something to let you know when…well…"
"You're acting weird," Haymitch adds without hesitation.
I look over my shoulder at the group behind me and take a moment to truly consider what they are saying. I wish I could just blow it off as a case of being overdramatic, but deep down I know they're right. What I have with Katniss isn't definable in general terms. She's right we aren't friends, neighbors or just ex-victors. Most people if they can neatly fit us into their neatly preconceived notions of either friends or lovers won't be able to comprehend any other option. As annoying as I find all of this, the fact is that Thom and Haymitch are our friends and they're just trying to give Katniss and I the privacy we desire.
Coming back chairs, I sit down next to Haymitch on the couch. "Fine," I grumble.
Still a bit disgruntled, Katniss rolls her eyes, "So what kind of signal are you thinking Thom," she asks, before taking another sip of her drink.
"Stop it," is probably too obvious right?" Haymitch laughs.
I glare at him, "That's not helpful."
Thom interjects, "How about we use the word Mockingjay?"
Haymitch purses his lips in consideration. "I like it," he finally says. "Easy to work into a sentence and it shouldn't raise any suspicions if overheard. What do you two think?"
My gaze locks with Katniss's as we weigh our options. Thom begins to laugh. "Mockingjay! Mockingjay!" he says in a loud indiscreet whisper. This breaks the tension in the room and we all begin to laugh, but our merriment is cut short when the room goes dark save a few safety lights along the ceiling. We have entered the tunnel that will take us into the city center train depot. Silently Haymitch reaches over and flips on a lamp. The soft yellow glow does little to brighten our moods, however. Nervously, Katniss shakes the empty glass in her hands causing the ice to clang against the sides of the cup, "I think I need another drink," she mutters, her eyes transfixed on the passing bedrock just outside the window.
Haymitch chuckles and reaches over to take the cup from her. "Give the first one a minute to kick in Sweetheart, we don't need you toppling off the train platform upon arrival." This comment elicits a sly smile from Katniss and I immediately know that she's thinking about the day of our first reaping. Drunk out of his mind, Haymitch had managed to both feel up Effie Trinket and fall headlong off the reaping stage that day. I remember feeling amused and terrified all at the same time, he was after all supposed to be our mentor.
"Seeing as you are our resident expert on such things, I will concede to your judgment," Katniss returns dryly.
Haymitch rolls his eyes at her, "It only happened that once," he says theatrically.
"Ah, the good old days," I mutter through a half grin of my own.
As suddenly as the car had gone dark, sunlight burst in, blinding us all. The squealing of the brakes seems to rev my heart up until I begin to feel lightheaded. Putting my head back I close my eyes and try to focus on slowing my pulse.
"Damn that is a LOT of people, " I hear Thom say in awe.
Squeezing my eyes closed even more tightly I being reciting a mantra in my head, "It's only for a few weeks. It's only for a few weeks. It's only for a few weeks." The space to my right sifts and I open my eyes I find that Katniss has replaced Haymitch on the couch next to me and she has a look of concern on her face. I try to force a smile. "I'm okay, really. It's just...the crowd." I tell her. She nods, "I know, I hate it too," she whispers.
"Uh...Mockingjay?" Thom says sarcastically.
"Not now kid," Haymitch snaps, giving Thom a stern look. Thom looks completely confused by the rebuff. "Look, son, no one's around right now, give them a minute to gather their thoughts. This is a damn hard thing they're about to do," he clarifies a bit more gently.
I give Haymitch a look of gratitude then turn my attention back to Katniss. "You ready for this?" I ask. She nods, her face plastered in grim determination but I can feel her shaking next to me. We sit for a long moment our eyes locked in silent support until the PA crackles to life. "Welcome to Capitol City where the local time is 3:12 pm. Please use caution when exiting the train, as the platform is currently under construction." Taking one last deep breath, I stand up and wait for Katniss to join me. "You've got this," I state in quiet voice only meant for her. "Right back at ya," she whispers in return, giving me a wink. I feel my heart jump a little in my chest at the gesture, but I reluctantly take a step back and out of her personal space. Time to get into character. Looking out the window, I can see barricades have been set up to hold back the crowd and I can hear the din of noise coming from the platform. "Alright, let's get this show on the road," I say before turning and heading for the exit.