My legs wobble and bile rises up the back of my throat as I make my way down the hall to my room. As I approach my bedroom door my stomach clenches and the eggs that I managed to consume threaten to come back up. Tossing the bathroom door open, I run to the sink and turn on the cold water. Trembling hands scoop the cool liquid up and onto my face. The cool water seems to do the trick and my stomach settles. I grab the hand towel at my elbow and blot my face, staring at my reflection in the mirror. I'm a mess. My dress is crumpled beyond recognition, my hair is sleep tossed into a rat's nest around my head and now, with the addition of water, my makeup has run down my face. Numbly I paw at the zipper that runs along a seem at my side until the dress successfully pools at my feet. Reaching down I pick the garment up and gently hang it a hook in the corner. The dress is badly wrinkled but I see no other signs of damage, which causes me to exhale gratefully; Cinna's creation is safe, despite how reckless I have treated it in the last 16 hours.
Turning on the shower to the warmest setting I can stand, I get in, the water shoots at me from every angle, causing my skin to tingle. My spinning head suddenly feels too heavy to hold up so I close my eyes and I rest my forehead along with the warm wet tiles as my thoughts tumbling around on top of one another. I woke up with Peeta this morning and for the first time in nearly two years, I slept peacefully…all because he was there. As I recall waking up to his bright blue eyes my face warms and a tingle takes up residence in my chest before traveling down into my limbs, but even and the warm sense of belonging covers me the images from the newspaper flash behind my eyelids. Peeta lied to me. He stood right here yesterday and told me Tova was his friend and nothing more. Based on the pictures in the paper he was at the very least downplaying his feelings for this girl. If Peeta and I don't honestly then what do, we have? The very thought of Peeta in the morning sunshine and picture of his kiss with Tova in the same stream of thought causes my belly to ache.
My relationship with Peeta has had many facets over the years. He said it best back in the Capitol when Coin sent him to my unit to kill me. Friend, lover, victor, fiancé, enemy, target, mutt, ally, but through, and even in spite of all of it, he's never lied to me. A gasp exits my throat at the thought and tears prick my eyelids. I shove the painful realization away and begin pushing buttons until a vanilla-scented foam begins flowing out the shower head along with the water. I mindless scrub at my face and hair removing all signs of last night's party from them. While the mucky feeling in my chest still clings to me, my body is clean so I shut off the water. I glare at the shower door the water dripping off my body, I don't really want to get out. Getting out of this box means I'll have to face Peeta, Haymitch, and Gale, so instead I'm frozen staring down at the drain as water and bubbles swirling and disappear. If I were small enough I could disappear too, I think. I so invested in the disappearing water that I nearly jump out of my skin when loud and insistent banging assaults the bathroom door.
"Katniss, we need to talk," Peeta is yelling, as he pounds.
I squeeze my eyes closed and feelings of anxiety, anger, and if I'm honest grief, rushes through my body.
"Katniss!" he says, sounding frustrated and desperate at the same time. "Katniss, I'll come in there without your permission if you don't answer me!" he yells sound a little angry.
Yanking open the shower door, I grab a robe. I've only just tied it up when he bursts into the bathroom. Indignation flares in veins, drowning out my other tumultuous. "Damn it Peeta, get the fuck out!" I scream pulling the lapels of my robe.
His eyes burrow into mine. "I will not," he states resolutely.
"Leave or I'll have Haymitch remove you," I grind out.
"He and Effie went over the Thom's," he returns smugly.
The heat of my ire flushes my skin. I march across the room and shove him. He has to take a step back to keep from falling over and a flash of satisfaction makes me. "Then I'll put you out myself," I growl, shoving him again, but this time he doesn't move an inch, he's like a brick wall. This only fuels my temper. I raise my hands to shove him again but he captures my biceps in his larger hands. He's holding me mire inches from his chest.
"Please stop," he begs softly.
The sound is so gentle my fill. I desperately blink them back, but a single traitorous tear escapes down my cheek. Still firmly in his grasp, he steps back slightly so that he can look into my eyes. His blue eyes are stormy and desperate. "You lied to me, what is there to talk about?" I ask coldly.
He shakes his head, "I didn't. I swear to you I didn't," he says solemnly.
I scoff and yank my arms free of his grip and take a couple of steps back. "Peeta, you're doing it right now! There's a picture!" I yell, my voice is shaky.
I watch him visibly swallow. "I took her out on the porch to talk about Cinna. That is all. She…she…kissed me. I was on the receiving end of it I was totally not expecting it," he says evenly.
I take this info in for a moment but the video replays in my head. "You may have not started it but you did respond to it," I counter. "Seems like maybe you've done it before," I counter.
He sighs and sinks into a chair. "The video they showed didn't show me pushing her way," he offers.
I cross my arms across my chest. "You kissed her back Peeta," I say plainly.
His eyes drop to the floor and he shakes his head. "It just…looks that way," he says, his eyes still on the floor.
I let out a long breath. "Perhaps the high jacking is messing with your memories of our first year of knowing each other, but I have some experience in the "kissing you" department!" I say before thinking the statement through. I regret it immediately.
His eyes flick up to mine. "You were faking it, so I'm not sure you have a good frame of reference." He says evenly. His unemotional response, prinks at my heart. I want to say that he's wrong. That some of the kisses did matter, but I bite my tongue. That was a long time ago when we were different people. I decided to go a safer route, "Faking it or not, I've seen enough footage of you kissing me to know what you look like when you do it." I return, my voice is not able to mimic his nonchalance.
He stands up and runs his fingers through his curls. "So…you're mad about the kiss," he states, his eyes locked with mine.
My heart thrums in my chest. "Yes…I mean no…" I stammer and shake my head "I'm upset because you sat right there," I point to the bed, "yesterday and told me she was just your friend. And in less than 12 hours there are pictures of you two canoodling on a dark porch. It seems to me that you weren't being totally honest with me," I state, my anger refueling. I swallow a lump in my throat, "If you and I don't have an honest what do we have?" I ask, my temper slightly deflated.
He squints at me for a second but shakes it off. "I did take her outside on the porch to talk to her. She was the one who initiated the kiss…but maybe… maybe I returned it…I don't know," he says sincerely. "And I was honest with you yesterday. Until last night our relationship was exactly as I told you!" He says sounding exasperated. "Regardless, where do you get off lecturing me about honesty, it's not always been your first go to with me," he spits out.
I flinch at the rebuttal. He's right, I've been dishonest with him in the past, but that isn't' who we are now. "We're long past that stuff!," I growl. "Or at least I thought we were!"
He lets out an irritated sign and tosses his hands in the air. "We are!" he shouts "I'm being honest with you, but if you can't or won't believe me…"
Haymitch appears in the doorway. "Enough!" he shouts. Peeta and I both startle a bit. "You two need to get over this and quick. We have a shitstorm to manage and the Delegate ceremony starts a 3 pm TODAY! You know the thing we all agreed to home here to do! I will not have two quarreling teenagers showing their ass in front of the nation, so get it together!" he bellows.
My anger is not quelled but Haymitch is right. We're all here because I wanted us here, to help rebuild. I nod my understanding reluctantly.
Haymitch gives each of us a good long look before nodding. "Good. Peeta a car will be here in 20 minutes to collect you, go get cleaned up."
Peeta looks sheepish, "We weren't done," he says meekly.
"You're done for today. Tomorrow is Sunday, your day off. You two can scream at each other or spend the day making out like the horny teenagers you are, for all I care. But for now, this is over! Pull yourselves together!" he says, showing Peeta to the door. Peeta glares at him but moves towards it. In the doorway he pauses, "We will talk tomorrow," he says leaving me no room to argue with him. I simply nod and he disappears down the hall.
Haymitch looks me up and down. "Gale's coming with the car for Peeta, you should get dressed." He says and turns for the door.
"Haymitch…" I call out. He turns and looks at me. "He…he…" I stutter, not knowing what to say.
He looks at me and a flash of sympathy flashes on his face. To my surprise, he crosses the room and wraps me in a hug. In spite of shock, I sink into his warmth. He smells of aftershave and mint, which is foreign for Haymitch. My thoughts drift back to Peeta and I on the porch this morning and our musings of Haymitch's strange behavior of late, but instead of focusing on that conversation, my thoughts stray to how nice Peeta's eyes looked in the morning sunlight.
"You're going to have to figure out what you want and soon," Haymitch says quietly. I my brow furrows.
"What do you mean?" I ask.
He's not going to be available forever. Other people are going to see how special he is. He's a great catch any day of the week." Haymitch clarifies.
Haymitch's words from years ago resound in my head. You could live 100 lifetimes a never deserve that boy. I shake my head and pull away from him, "You know we're not like that." I tell him.
He shrugs. "Oh yeah, then why are you so upset about him kissin' some girl?" he counters.
"I'm not. I'm mad because he lied to me," I say evenly.
"He didn't, and you know it, well you would if you'd get out of your way," he sighs. "Look, ya'll have been doing this for nearly 4 years, and despite the high jacking, I think the ball is still in your court. You just have to be brave enough to decide what you want. If you don't want him, you need to let him go. He deserves to be happy," he says
The whole conversation is bizarre. Haymitch has never been shy about teasing us but this is right down meddling. I try to deflect but just end up stuttering. "I don't…he doesn't..."
Haymitch rolls his eyes and throws up his hands. "Get dressed," he says and marches out of the room.
I close the door and slide down it to the floor. I sincerely want to ponder all that has happened this morning but instead, my head just spins. Placing fingers on each temple, I rub gently. Outside the door, I hear the doorbell. The car is early and that means Gales here. I don't know if I up to this, but it's not as if I have a choice. Pushing my conflicting thoughts aside I pulling myself up, take a deep breath, and head for the closet.