TW: Character Death, Mental Anguish, Mental Breakdown, Self-Harm

noun: compassion, generosity

[Tsuna killed someone,] he won, he defeated Byakuran. The fight's over and everyone's still alive, he's so grateful, [he killed someone.]

He kneels on the floor, right where he stood when he fired his last attack, looking down at his hands, at the dirt floor below, won't look at anything else—can't. Everything Byakuran did will be erased, everyone he killed will revive—Yamamoto's father will revive, Tsuna's so, so grateful. The Arcobaleno already came back, Reborn and I-Pin's master and all the others.

Tsuna looks at his hands, won't look at anything else. His wool mittens are on the floor nearby, his ring near them, both dirty but not bloody like they should be, his hands bare and clean but bloody, [he killed someone, he killed someone,] and he's trying to wipe the blood off them but he can't.

The others gathered around him, but he wouldn't move, wouldn't talk or even raise his head, and they gave him room again. Nozaru and Tazaru are still crying, so do Kyoko and Haru. Tsuna cries too, and it's harder to wipe the blood off his hands when he can barely see them through his blurred sight.

Tsuna did it, made it up to all of them like he promised, won back their future, won back a peaceful world for their future selves to live in. He did it, [he killed someone,] and it's something he ought to be proud of, to be congratulated and rewarded for, something to celebrate. [He killed someone,] he saved the world, all of them, [he killed someone,] he saved everyone, [he killed someone.]

He didn't save Uni and Gamma, and the blood won't come off his hands, his nails marring red lines into his flesh but it still won't come off. They can all go back home now, the one Uni and Gamma gave back to them in exchange for their lives, will all be able to grow towards a peaceful future, stained by the future Uni will never have, the one Gamma will never be able to enjoy again, what good—

[Tsuna killed someone,] wanted to, wanted him gone. He watched him burn alive until not even his ashes were left and felt right, felt it wasn't enough, not when Uni's and Gamma's clothes lied in a pile on the floor to never be worn again. [He killed someone,] watched him burn alive and felt nothing, wished he could do more, could make him suffer more, [he killed someone, he killed someone, he killed someone—]

"Say something," Tsuna hears himself say, and doesn't recognize his voice, doesn't recognize his hands, feels as if in a stranger's skin. "Anything. Laugh, get angry, tell me how not so different I never was." Mukuro stands in front of him, and Tsuna can only see his boots, unmoving since they entered his sight. "Say something. Anything, please—" His voice breaks on a sob. He swallows it back. "Please, say something. Say something, say something…"

"I'm deeply offended you didn't even consider asking me for my best white lies," Mukuro says casually, like they're talking about the weather, upbeat too, like it's a particularly comfortable sunny day. "They'd be the most efficient ones you'll ever hear. Certainly much more efficient than any of the ones your little friends can't wait to drown you in. Then again, you're not the first killer of your little group, are you now?"

Tsuna whimpers, biting his lip until it bleeds. His hands are slick with blood, and it's easier now to try to wipe them clean, but the blood still won't come off, it won't come off, Tsuna just wants the blood off, wants his hands to feel like his again.

"Should I call your Storm over? Or maybe the Skylark? Did the Skylark already go through his first kill though? According to Chrome even now no one knows when his first kill happened." Mukuro laughs. "Isn't he a stubborn one?"

Tsuna just wants the blood off, but [he killed someone and] it won't come off, will never come off, he doesn't deserve for it to come off when—

"Stop this useless struggle already, will you?" Mukuro's voice is quiet and cold, demanding. "Even if you rip all the flesh off your hands, they still won't feel like yours again. They'll never feel like yours again, but you'll get used to them." [—he killed someone, he killed someone, he killed someone—] "Not to worry though, it will all appear just the way you feel in your nightmares, or whenever you'll close your eyes. So much blood on your hands, seeping through your skin to forever stain you, you'll choke on the smell of it. Byakuran burning alive much slower, screaming in agony, his flesh melting off before turning to ashes, the smell of burnt skin thick in the air—"

[—he killed someone, he killed someone, he killed someone—]

Tsuna killed someone.

Tsuna throws up, leaning his hands against the floor. One of his hand slips, and his body falls forwards. Mist flames surround him, and Mukuro drops him at the foot of a tree, pushing his back against it.

"Come now, Sawada Tsunayoshi," he starts, but then bursts out laughing as Tsuna bursts into tears. He sounds delighted, but distinctly unhappy, sinister. "How far the mighty have already fallen," he gloats, vindicated. "Wouldn't you agree?"

He kneels in front of him, and Tsuna holds onto his shirt like his life depends on it. His tears won't stop, his sobs jolting his body, tearing their way out of his throat so harshly, so abruptly, he's waiting for the one that'll shatter him. He's breathing hard and unevenly, but isn't breathing at all at the same time, choking on his tears, on the smell of blood that'll never come out off his hands, on the smell of burnt flesh thick in the air—

Tsuna killed someone, he killed someone, he killed someone—

"Mukuro…" he pleads, his voice breaking on his words. "Mukuro, please… Mukuro..."

"Look at me." Mukuro holds his face firmly between his hands, makes them meet eye with each other. He shakes Tsuna's head. "Enough, stop crying. Look at me." His voice's quiet again, his face dark and impassive. "Do you understand, now? I'm the only one who's ever told you the truth about the mafia."

Tsuna nods, whimpering and whining, holding back his tears as best as he can. He leans his forehead against Mukuro's, but it's more like his head falls forward, because he's shattering and can't hold himself up by himself anymore.

—he killed someone, he killed someone, he killed someone—

"Look at you now, Sawada Tsunayoshi," Mukuro says, and sounds almost soft, almost comforting. He wipes away his tears, his glove cold against his skin, strokes his hair away from his eyes, almost tender. "How the mighty fall indeed, how the innocents always learn." He pulls away, pushing him back against the tree. "Come now. It's one person who more than deserved it. How bad can it really be?"

Tsuna holds onto his shirt tighter, and Mukuro lets his hands fall from him face to grab his wrists, halfheartedly tries to pry them off him. "Mukuro… Say something… Anything…"

"So you say, but clearly you have something you want me to say. You're ruining my shirt, let go." He tightens his hold around his wrists, but Tsuna doesn't even feel it, doesn't care. Mukuro sighs. "Fine, I'll tell you this: you'll live through this and go on being a good little mafia Don. Aren't you lucky being able to hear this, and know with absolute certainty it's the truth?" Tsuna shakes him, and Mukuro smirks. "No? Then what about this: your little friends will stand by you as the numbers grow, if that is what worries you. They won't just stand by you either—"

Tsuna forcefully shoves him back. Mukuro disappears in Mist flames before he can fall, and reappears a few feet away, standing and laughing. It's biting this time, angry, but so is Tsuna. He holds Mukuro's gaze, his back straight against the tree, his hands on the floor at either side of him, curled into fists.

Mukuro smirks, razor sharp, his eyes cold and loathing. Tsuna's heart painfully clenches, his sight blurring again.

"Mukuro…"

"Ungrateful much? Enough with the oh so tragic martyr act." He averts his eyes, looking down at his bloody shirt with a displeased look, and absentmindedly adjusts his clothes. He sounds casual, but there's an edge in his voice Tsuna knows cuts them both deep. "It's not like you'll have to go through this alone. It's not like you'll ever know what it's like to pick up your shattered pieces one by one from the bloody floor by yourself, or how it feels knowing you're the only one who'll crawl yourself out of the darkness."

"I'll pull you out." Mukuro bursts out laughing again, and Tsuna can't bear to watch, can't hold back his tears any longer, sobbing like he's suffocating. "I will. I will."

"Will you, now? You might regret it as soon as you do. My younger self may very well skewer you with his trident as soon as you do." He walks away, his laughter trailing after him.

Tsuna curls on himself, pulling up his knees against his chest. He hides his face into them, his hands over his chest, his fingers curled into his shirt. He can't seem to find enough air to breathe, doesn't care to, doesn't care about anything, just wants the blood to come off, the smell to disappear—

"Tsuna-san." Tsuna harshly flinches back, hitting the tree, and curls on himself tighter. Gokudera runs his hand gently through his hair, and Tsuna doesn't have the energy to fight him when he raises his head away from his knees. "You need to let Turf-top look at your hands."

Tsuna tenses, lowering his hands from his chest to his lap, but Gokudera catches them in his before he can hide them.

—he killed someone, he killed someone, he killed someone—

"Our hands are the same," Gokudera says, unyielding, but so very soft, it hurts him somewhere deep that's already unraveling. He cradles his bloodied hands into his, and goes as far as holding them against his chest, as if the blood on them doesn't matter. "I'm sorry they are, but they mean no less to me."

Tsuna breaks down, not understanding how there's still something which has yet to break inside him. He's weary to the bones by this future, and at last they're crumbling down. He's only ever wanted to go back home, but didn't want to go back home like that, and is so terrified of what it'll feel to go back home like that.

Gokudera holds him in his arms before he can shatter on the floor, says nothing as Tsuna cries his heart out, wishes he'd cry his heart out so it'd stop hurting, sobbing so hard his body's shaking and rocking, but Gokudera's arms remain steady around him through it all.

[He'll never have to pick up his shattered pieces alone, it's the truth of these words that pulls him back from the edge. Tsuna will never be left to even shatter if they can help it at all, and he knows there and then he'd do it all over again in a heartbeat.

He'd do worse in a heartbeat if it's what it'll take to keep them all safe and alive.]

Tsuna leans against the tree, looking down at his hands. Gokudera holds them into his, stroking his thumbs along his wrists over the bandages. Tsuna doesn't remember Ryohei tending to his wounds, doesn't remember when he stopped crying, or how long he cried.

He sits cross-legged against the tree, and feels nothing, feels too empty to feel anything, too exhausted, doesn't even feel like himself.

He'll never feel like himself again, like the Tsuna who's appeared in this time, none of them will, even if he'd give anything for them to. They can all go back home now, and he's desperately hoping it will still feel like home.

[They'll learn who they are now, and he can only hope it's someone who will still feel like themselves, but he now knows with absolute certainty the type of people he can't allow them to become—won't.]

Reborn's voice grounds him back to reality, as it always does. "Tsuna." He walks past Gokudera, looking him in the eye, then jumps on his thigh. "Everyone else already left. We need to go too."

Gokudera sits cross-legged in front of him, Yamamoto sitting next to him. Fuuta sits behind them, their siblings on his lap. Bianchi sits next to him, hugging Kyoko and Haru against her side. Ryohei stands near them as well as Chrome, and further away but close enough it's clear he's also waiting for him, Hibari leans against a tree.

Chrome's ring glints, catching the light with its new indigo gemstone, and he feels the weight of Mukuro's in his pocket, doesn't remember Mukuro giving it to him.

Would the Mukuro of his time accept the ring if Tsuna could give it to him, for the irony of destroying Vongola with its power if nothing else? Or would he only feel hateful about the tone-deafness of the Vongola's founders recognizing him as a Vongola Guardian?

Would he consider taking it for what it could mean, what Tsuna only wants him to give him a chance to prove he could make it happen?

"Tsuna."

Tsuna averts his eyes from Chrome's ring, and looks at his family again. They all look weary, a tensed edge in the way they hold himself despite the battle being over, and from then on it's the way they'll carry themselves. Each of them meets his eye, and Tsuna wishes he'd see the distress of these past few months in them, but they've all had to grow up to survive this future.

Tsuna did this to them.

[To flourish, or to perish.]

"Tsuna." Reborn rests his hand on his arm, and gives it a firm squeeze. "You only did what you had to. And now we can all go home."

He holds his gaze, the blackest eyes Tsuna's ever seen not shying away from his. They're as steady as they've always been, look so strong and unyielding, as if he holds the world in the palm of his hand, and it'll lead Tsuna astray only if he allows it to.

Tsuna has only needed to look into them to find his way again ever since they've come into his life.

He looks into them now, and feels nothing.

[But who did this to him?]

A/N: I'm super excited to give you this chapter! I'm super proud of it and would love to hear your thoughts about it? Also hoping I got that Mukuro & Tsuna dynamic right, but either way it was super fun to write and I wouldn't change anything. And I might have been a little too heavy-handed about the whole "first kill breakdown" but? There was actually more of that before I edited it lol, and I like it just like that now.

I'll take another little break and see if I can finish writing the story before going back to a regular update schedule, seeing as I only have four chapters left to write. (Four chapters, look at me go hehe! Cheer my on so I'll actually finish this story!)

I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Any and all review are appreciated.

Thank you for reading!

- Hope

Answers to Guests' Comments:

Mori: ohhhh this is SUCH an interesting takeaway from this chapter! it wasn't on purpose but i actually agree with you, i really can see it now you pointed it out. i wouldn't say the others enable and coddle tsuna per se though, but in their desire to not burden him even more and make him feel better, they choose to not address what very much need to be address here, and so mukuro taking it upon himself to do it instead really COULD be seen as, like. mercy, i feel like saying. but understanding of what tsuna actually needs right now at the very least.

also super glad you enjoyed this chapter so much because it's my favorite haha. thank you for your comment!