Keep Me Where the Light Is (part 12)
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart…
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start…
I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are…
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start….
(The Scientist ~ Coldplay)
Sunday, August 28, 2022
5:06 PM
Brittany Lopez-Pierce sat quietly in the back seat of a New York City taxi cab, watching her wife play with the bottom hem of her cotton t-shirt as they rode down the streets of lower Manhattan. Santana had not said much to Brittany since Dr. Yates came by to examine and release the Latina earlier in the day.
The doctor confirmed that Santana's bleeding had stopped because the pregnancy had fully terminated on its own, requiring no further medical intervention. It was a hard thing for either of them to hear, but Brittany was grateful that at least Santana could return home Sunday evening.
She slid her hand across the seat of the cab to take Santana's hand in hers, startled slightly when the Latina flinched at the contact and pulled her hand away. Brittany sighed softly and adjusted back in her seat as she watched Santana turn toward the passenger window, looking at the passing buildings.
It was a beautiful late summer evening with the sun still hanging low in the sky. Brittany caught a glimpse of the bright orange ball of light every other block or so as it peeked through spaces between some of the City's structures.
Once the cab driver arrived in front of their building, Brittany handed over some cash, telling him, "Thank you. Keep the change."
She walked up the steps of the stoop to open the front door, looking back to find Santana staring out into the tranquil street. Knowing how hard it was herself to come home on Saturday and attempt to blend back into normal surroundings, Brittany waited patiently and watched her wife for a few seconds until she turned back around.
"Coming?" Brittany asked gently.
Santana didn't give a verbal answer, but she stepped up the few steps and passed through the open door that Brittany held for her.
The blonde followed behind the Latina as they started the long ascent up to their sixth floor apartment. She noticed her wife slow and grimace around the third floor landing, and she asked her, "Are you going to make it?"
Santana nodded and responded, "Yeah."
Brittany saw the brunette brace her weight a little more than usual on the railing as they went further up, practically pulling her body by the final flight.
She started to make another comment about the difficult climb but decided that any humor was either poorly-timed or lost on Santana at this point, so Brittany remained quiet as she pulled out her keys and unlocked the two deadbolts.
Stepping aside, she motioned for Santana to enter ahead of her then she closed and locked the door again before hanging up her keys and setting down Santana's hospital bag.
"Want anything to eat?" Brittany asked for lack of a better topic, not feeling very hungry herself.
"No," Santana said over her shoulder as she moved toward the corner of the apartment that made up their bedroom.
"Thirsty?" Brittany called to her, noticing the apartment seemed a little warm and stuffy.
"No," Santana's answer did not change as she stood and looked at the double bed.
Brittany went over and raised the window over the couch to release some of the warm August air then stood back to observe Santana some more, searching for any cue as to what she should do or say next to reorient them as a couple.
The blonde was seeking any gesture or phrase from Santana that would reset them back into their marital routine. So far there was nothing recognizable from the girl Brittany typically knew so well.
The longer Santana stood in one spot, staring at their bed, the more nervous Brittany found herself getting. She realized she was holding her breath, waiting for Santana to react, and hoping her efforts of cleaning and sanitizing their bedroom and bathroom were enough to offset any breakdown by her wife.
Santana eventually turned around and asked bluntly, "You already washed the bed linens?"
"Umm…actually, I just threw them out," Brittany was thrown off slightly by Santana's question and accusatory tone.
"You threw them out?" Santana narrowed her eyes.
Brittany closed some of the gap between her and her wife, explaining, "I wanted to have everything cleaned and fresh for you when you got home."
"But why did you throw them out?"
The blonde hesitated with her answer, swallowing hard, "It just seemed…easier…I guess."
"What if I wanted to keep them, Britt?" Santana now seemed irrationally aggravated, "They're my sheets too."
Brittany shook her head and tried answering, "I just thought…."
"No, you didn't think, Brittany," Santana cut her off, "You didn't think about maybe what I would want…you could've at least asked."
The tall blonde bit at her bottom lip as warm tears filled her eyes. She stood there stunned, not knowing how to respond. "I'm sorry, Santana," she finally replied, composing herself with a sniff of her nose, "You're right though. I should have asked you first."
Santana turned on her heels and walked into the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind her.
6:22 PM
Quinn Fabray nervously adjusted the skirt of her loose-fitting, pale green dress and pushed up the sleeves on her denim jacket, pausing in the doorway outside a West Village coffee house.
"Excuse me," a young guy said from behind her.
"Oh sorry," she responded politely, stepping aside so he could open the door.
He held it open for her, asking over his shoulder with a smile, "You coming in?"
She hesitated in her reply, her heart leaping forward but her brain keeping her feet planted firmly in place, "Uh, no…thanks."
Quinn turned and stepped back onto the sidewalk, looking down at her watch in the fading evening sun. She was a few minutes early for her six-thirty meeting, standing there unsure as to whether she should go on in or wait until exactly six-thirty so she would not seem too eager.
She pulled her cell phone out of her small handbag, scrolling back through her notes to see the address of the coffee house, then looked up at the street sign. Yep, this is the place…she thought to herself, taking a deep breath.
"Quinn?"
The blonde professor turned toward the sound of her name to see Cate Boyd standing there. As nervous as Quinn was, she smiled broadly.
"I was early," she replied, hearing her voice shake, knowing Cate probably heard it too, "I wasn't sure you were here yet." Relax, Quinn…she internally instructed.
"Are you ready to go in now?" Cate asked meekly, pointing to the entrance.
Quinn nodded and moved toward the door which opened and the same guy from earlier walked out with a white cardboard cup of coffee in his hand.
They smiled at each other as they passed.
She didn't know what to do next, so she walked up to the counter where there was a small line of people ordering.
Cate stood an awkward distance to the side of Quinn, a little too far to encourage conversation.
When it was their time to order, the younger blonde turned and asked timidly, "Do you still take your coffee the same?"
Cate nodded with a slight smile, "Yeah…the same."
Quinn ordered for them and paid the cashier, waiving off the cash Cate tried to hand her.
"My treat," Quinn confirmed, "You were kind enough to agree to meet me."
"Thanks," Cate told her.
After they got their drink order, they found a small, round table in the back corner. Quinn sat in the chair opposite Cate and crossed her shapely legs at the knees, smoothing out her long skirt over them before taking a small sip of hot tea from her cup.
Both girls sat silently for several seconds.
Quinn watched across at Cate as she turned her paper cup several times, bumping it rhythmically on the table, a nervous habit she clearly had not lost over the last several years.
"I had no idea you were in Manhattan," Quinn started.
Cate shrugged and nodded, "A little over two years."
"I guess I'm just surprised you're not still out in San Francisco," Quinn commented.
"Yeah, that gig didn't really work out," Cate pursed her lips while shaking her head, "My heart just wasn't in it."
Quinn laughed, thinking Cate was making a joke about her heart and San Francisco, until the laughter became uncomfortable because Cate sat there expressionless.
"You look great," Quinn told the older girl, trying to regroup.
"You too," Cate acknowledged her former girlfriend, clearing her throat and arching her back then looking back down at her cup.
"Cate…please look at me," Quinn pleaded.
The older girl lifted her head, locking her gaze with Quinn's green eyes.
"I wish I knew the perfect thing to say to you so this awkwardness would disappear," Quinn confessed.
"It's fine," the brunette dismissed, "What did you want to talk about?"
"Why did you call me?" Quinn inquired.
Cate shifted again in her chair, answering, "I wish like hell I knew."
"Nobody forced you."
"I'm with someone. It's wrong of me to be here," Cate stated, pushing back her chair to stand.
"Wait…," Quinn sat up and grabbed the older girl by the arm, "Please stay."
Cate looked down at Quinn's hand on her arm, and she melted internally under the younger girl's touch, sitting back down in the chair.
"I don't have any words to explain my actions or to make it right again. I don't think I even know why I did what I did at that time, but I just want you to know that I still love you," Quinn staid boldly.
The beautiful brunette stared back at the blonde, her crystal blue eyes revealing nothing.
"I love you, Cate," Quinn repeated with more desperation, adding, "I have spent every day of my life these last few years cursing myself for sending you away…for hurting you, and begging fate for a chance…just one chance to tell you how I feel."
"You got your chance then," Cate retorted, standing back up.
"Catherine," Quinn grabbed her ex by the hand, squeezing it tightly as if it were her lifeline.
The older girl sat back down again, slowly pulling her hand away, wrapping it back around her white paper cup.
"What about how I feel?" Cate asked candidly "Oh right…I remember now that my feelings didn't matter much to you."
The Yale professor sighed heavily. "I deserve that. I deserve any anger you have for me," Quinn conceded.
There was a long pause while Cate looked off to the side. "I'm not angry at you," the older girl finally said, "I feel bad for you actually, and all I've ever wanted was for you to be happy in life."
"I was happy when I was with you, Cate."
Cate Boyd leaned back in her chair and nodded, "No amount of accomplishment and recognition replaces being truly loved, does it?"
A tear fell from one of Quinn's green eyes and slowly rolled down her otherwise perfect face, "You don't realize what you have until it's gone."
"I know," Cate smiled. It was the first genuine smile Quinn saw on the brunette's face since they sat down and seeing it made the young blonde's heart soar.
10:09 PM
Santana rolled over in bed Sunday night when a loud screech pulled her from a deep sleep. In a fog of physical exhaustion, she sat up, listening. She heard it again in the distance.
The brunette looked down to see Brittany lying beside her then she heard it again. It sounded as if it were coming from somewhere inside the apartment.
"Britt?" Santana whispered, but the blonde did not respond.
Santana waited a moment, holding her breath. She heard it again. The sound was sort of like a meowing, from a small animal perhaps.
The Latina pushed back the covers and stood, tiptoeing toward the center of the apartment. From the living room, the meowing sounded more like a cry. She stood frozen, listening again. Yes, she heard crying.
She turned around in a full rotation. She heard it again. It was definitely a cry…a tiny but very strong cry.
"Hello?" Santana called out in a hushed voice.
A louder cry answered back.
"Where are you?" she asked.
She moved toward the kitchen, thinking she heard the crying coming from inside the cabinets. As absurd as it seemed, Santana opened the upper cabinets then the lower ones. Finding no source of the crying, she stood back up and turned again toward the living room.
"I can't find you," she yelled out, "Please stop crying."
More crying answered.
"Please stop," Santana moved toward the couch, throwing off the seat cushions in her search, "I want to help you, but I can't find you."
In a panic, she opened the drawers of the clothes chest, pulling out the folded garments. The more she frantically searched, the louder the crying became until it was mentally and physically upsetting to her.
"Stop crying…please!" the brunette hollered, "I'm trying to find you."
Santana's emotions overpowered her, and she tearfully moved about other parts of the apartment, searching and searching, until the crying sounded intensely loud, as if it were inside her head.
"STOP CRYING!" she screamed.
"Santana," Brittany gently shook her wife, causing the Latina to sit straight up in bed with a jolt.
She sat there gasping, breathing heavily in the darkness as her eyes adjusted to the dim light coming in from an outside streetlamp.
"Honey, are you okay?" Brittany inquired, her voice thick with worry.
Santana slowly felt the tightness in her chest release and her breathing return to normal. Everything around her was now silent except for a distant car horn she heard through the open window.
"I heard crying," her voice caught in her throat as she revealed to her wife.
"You were dreaming," Brittany told her, lovingly rubbing her forearm.
"It was the baby crying…but I couldn't find him," she explained, hot tears escaping her eyes.
Brittany pulled her wife into her embrace, wrapping her long arms around her and laying back down on the bed below them. "It's okay, honey," she whispered softly, caressing the back of Santana's head, telling her, "Shhhh. It'll be okay."
10:25 PM
Jess Crawford eased open the front door of her apartment, not wanting to wake her girlfriend when she saw that the apartment lights were off, thinking Cate had already gone to bed.
She set her keys in a bowl on a small, narrow table that was positioned along the entrance wall, kicking off her shoes and hanging her messenger bag on the coat rack. The young girl circled through the living room and picked up a paperback book from the coffee table.
Before she opened the bedroom door, she saw lamp light shining under the crack between the door and the hardwood floor. She turned the knob quietly, knowing the door creaked slightly when opened.
"Oh, you are up," Jess said with surprise at finding Cate Boyd sitting on the foot of the bed, fully dressed.
Cate did not respond, but she did look up at the younger girl as she entered the room.
Jess grinned as she passed up Cate to open the closet door, thinking her girlfriend seemed strange, "Why are you just sitting there like that?"
Cate still did not respond.
"You should have gone to the movies with us, hon…," she said as she pulled her t-shirt over her head and tossed it toward the wicker laundry basket in the corner of the small bedroom, her sandy-blonde hair settling back around her shoulders as she reached to open the closet door, "You would have enjoyed it, I think."
Cate said nothing about the movie, but she continued to watch Jess, waiting for a response to what was inside the closet.
It took a silent minute or so before Jess turned back around to face Cate, seeing the black suitcase on the floor beside the bed.
"What's going on?" the younger girl asked with tears in her eyes.
Cate took a deep breath and closed her eyes before answering. "I'm leaving."
"Did I do something wrong?"
Cate shook her head, "No, Jess…you didn't do anything wrong. You're wonderful."
It tore at Cate's heart as she sat there and watched large tears roll down Jess' freckled face.
"What then?" she asked, "Did you meet someone else?"
"It has nothing to do with anyone other than myself."
"You met someone, didn't you?" Jess insisted.
Cate looked down at her black boots, rubbing her hands together nervously.
"Did you cheat on me, Cate?" Jess raised her voice.
Cate stood quietly and leaned over to pick up her suitcase.
"Cate! Answer me!" Jess moved closer toward her, taking the suitcase out of the older girl's hand and letting it drop to the floor. "Did you cheat on me with someone?"
"No, Jess…I would never do that," Cate answered honestly.
"Then why are you leaving?" There was desperation in the younger girl's voice, and more tears streamed down her attractive face. "Talk to me about what's going on. We can work through this."
"My mind is made up," Cate told her, "I know this is hard, but I wanted to tell you face to face. I didn't want to just leave while you were gone."
"How noble of you, Catie," Jess spit out with hurt in her tone.
Cate closed her eyes and sighed again, wanting to just fast-forward through all of the drama she was causing.
"Don't you dare shut down on me," Jess warned, "You owe me an explanation."
"There is no explanation, Jess," Cate found herself raising her voice to match Jess', "You deserve better than I can offer you…and you'll never find it if I stay here and continue like this is working when it's not."
"It was working two weeks ago! You had no complaints then," she yelled back at the taller brunette, "What happened? Something happened. Something changed!"
Cate shook her head.
"Don't tell me no! I can pinpoint the exact moment, Cate. It was after we went to that bakery."
"The past has a way of creeping back in, Jess…I can't explain it any other way."
"That makes no sense," Jess cried, collapsing onto the bed.
Cate did not know what more to do. Her head told her that she should comfort the young girl, so she sat down on the side of the bed and rubbed the middle of Jess' bare back, feeling how smooth her youthful skin was, telling her, "I never wanted to hurt you, but I can't stay here with you. I'm very sorry."
Jess sat up and put her arms around Cate's neck, "I love you, Cate. I thought you loved me back."
Cate felt moisture in her eyes, Jess' words tugging at her heart, knowing exactly the sort of hurt the young girl was feeling. The older brunette hugged her back, replying honestly, "I thought I did too."
Monday, August 29, 2022
9:59 AM
Santana and Brittany sat on a couch in the hotel lobby, holding hands and waiting for Quinn to come downstairs so they could go to a late breakfast.
They were both dressed very casually in jeans and lightweight summer tops, neither feeling up to much fuss when they got dressed earlier that morning.
Brittany looked at her wife who had her long, dark hair pulled back in a tight ponytail, reminding the blonde of how Santana looked nearly every day of high school when she wore her Cheerios cheerleading uniform.
"You're sure you feel like doing this?" Brittany asked, squeezing her wife's hand.
"Yeah, I'm fine, I told you," she smiled, "I'm suddenly very hungry."
"Good," Brittany felt encouraged, feeling her stomach rumble too.
"Besides…I need to be out of that apartment."
Brittany agreed, stating, "Me too."
"I know," Santana acknowledged with a frown, "But let's not think of any of that. Let's just get something to eat and visit with Quinn before she has to go back to New Haven."
Brittany nodded then yawned unexpectedly. "Sorry."
"No, I'm sorry for waking you up last night," Santana told her, her positive energy burst draining at the thought of her nightmare and her tossing and turning the rest of the night.
"Honey, stop it…I love you, and I am here for you, ok?"
Santana smiled at her wife, telling herself internally that she could lean on Brittany for support just as she always had in the past.
"Hey, girls," Quinn Fabray waived as she walked up to them.
The couple stood and hugged her.
"I'm sorry to keep you waiting. I was on a phone call with this woman I'm meeting later this afternoon," the attractive blonde explained, switching her light brown handbag from one shoulder to the other.
"What theatre is it?" Santana asked, not remembering much of their conversation from the hospital on Sunday.
"The Soho Playhouse," Quinn reminded, "She's pretty enthusiastic about meeting with me and showing me around the theatre."
"That would be so wonderful, Q," Brittany commented, "We'd love to have you live in the City nearer to us."
Quinn grinned broadly, "It would be pretty cool, huh?"
"The Unholy Trinity back together again," Santana joked with a wink.
Brittany smiled too just at seeing a genuine smile on Santana's face.
"Ok, let's eat…I'm starved," Quinn suggested, moving toward the front doors of the hotel.
Brittany slipped her long arm around Santana's waist as they fell in behind Quinn, protectively pulling the brunette closer into her body.
As the three of them exited the hotel, stepping out onto the front sidewalk, Quinn halted abruptly, causing Brittany and Santana to bump into the back of her.
Neither of them realized why their best friend stopped short in front of them until they looked across the wide sidewalk to see a very pretty brunette leaned nonchalantly against the metal lamppost with her arms crossed over her chest. They both smiled and looked at each other when they recognized the brunette as Cate Boyd.
"Girls…give me just a second, ok?" Quinn requested hesitantly.
"Take your time," Brittany assured her, wondering what happened at Quinn's coffee meeting with Cate the night before, hoping to get the details at breakfast this morning.
Quinn walked toward Cate who stood up straight and uncrossed her arms.
"Fancy meeting you here," Quinn smiled.
"I've been waiting out here for awhile," Cate chuckled, "I figured you had to leave at some point."
"We're heading to breakfast…or brunch…," she looked down at her watch, amending, "…or lunch…whatever you New Yorkers call a meal this time of day."
Cate laughed, "Depends on what you order."
"You can join us if you want," Quinn suggested.
"I left Jess last night," Cate suddenly revealed.
"Oh?" Quinn reacted calmly, surprised but not exactly sure what that meant for her.
"You don't seem particularly surprised," Cate replied.
Quinn turned to look at Brittany and Santana who smiled at her encouragingly. She looked back at Cate, wondering aloud, "What made you leave?"
Cate shrugged before answering honestly, "So I could do this."
The older girl slipped both of her hands around Quinn's neck, her fingers tangling in her blonde locks of hair, and pulled her into a determined yet passionate kiss.
Once the kiss broke, Quinn tried to steady herself again, confiding in the taller girl, "You always leave me breathless when you do that."
"Is that a good thing?" Cate smiled.
"A very…very…good thing," Quinn responded, pulling Cate back into another kiss.
Author's Note: I'm excited to have Quinn back with Cate so I hope you guys are too.
I started a new story as a side project, based sort of on a small joke I made in the AN at the end of the previous chapter. It is catching momentum and getting great response so far, so please check it out if you haven't already. It's called Things That Go Bump in the Basement, and yes, it is simply Brittany and Santana, alone, locked in a basement. Fun, right? It's a nice break from some of the angst in this story.
As always, please take a moment to leave me a review. All comments help guide me in the next chapter and give me motivation to keep writing. Thanks! Kim