Keep Me Where the Light Is (part 14)
Where do we go from here?
This isn't where we intended to be
We had it all, you believed in me
I believed in you…
Certainties disappear
What do we do for our dream to survive?
How do we keep all our passions alive
As we used to do?
Deep in my heart, I'm concealing
Things that I'm longing to say
Scared to confess what I'm feeling
Frightened you'll slip away…
You must love me
You must love me…
Why are you at my side?
How can I be any use to you now?
Give me a chance, and I'll let you see how
Nothing has changed…
Deep in my heart, I'm concealing
Things that I'm longing to say
Scared to confess what I'm feeling
Frightened you'll slip away…
You must love me….
(You Must Love Me ~ Madonna, Evita)
Friday, September 9, 2022
5:47 PM
Cate Boyd sat in silence, staring into the face of the woman she loved deeply. Her immense excitement over seeing Quinn Fabray this weekend and possibly renewing their relationship was now overshadowed by the information bomb Quinn dropped in Cate's lap.
Stunned and slightly dazed by the revelation, Cate asked, "You're…what?"
Quinn repeated slowly, hardly comfortable with the idea herself, "I'm pregnant."
"Pregnant?" Cate said aloud, the word confusing her since Quinn professed to be a lesbian for the eleven years Cate had known her, causing her to stutter the word, "H-H-How?"
The question was a fair one, Quinn thought. She grimaced and responded, "The traditional way."
"Like from having…sex?" Cate's face contorted, "Sex with a man?"
"Yes. I had sex with a man," Quinn giggled despite her intense fear that Cate would walk out of the apartment and never look back, "It was a mistake, Cate. A very drunken mistake."
The neurons in Cate's brain were firing off a thousand thoughts a second as she continued to stare silently at Quinn, finally pushing herself to ask, "Do you know him?"
"Umm…yes," Quinn admitted, "Quite well…unfortunately."
There was another awkward silence while Cate pondered if it was rude for her to ask who the guy was and while Quinn wondered why Cate wasn't asking who the guy was.
Ultimately, Quinn broke the silence with her confession, "It was Puck."
"Puck? Beth's father Puck?" Cate felt lightheaded and leaned against the back of the couch, pulling her hands up to her head and rubbing at the throb behind her temples, "Oh…wow…okay."
"Nobody is more shocked than I am, Cate," Quinn confessed, "It took me three weeks just to talk myself into making a doctor's appointment to confirm the pregnancy test."
Cate sat a minute longer to collect her thoughts. She couldn't even fathom the moment that Quinn realized she could be pregnant, having to buy an over-the-counter test to take home. Even now, she could see a mixture of fear and anxiety in Quinn's green eyes.
"What do you plan on doing?" Cate asked hesitantly.
"I did not plan this," Quinn ran her hand nervously through her golden locks, "Obviously."
"Okay," Cate's eyes narrowed, trying to infer the meaning in Quinn's words, "Sooo…that means?"
"I plan on having this baby."
That statement did not surprise Cate. Quinn had not turned away from the challenge of carrying Beth to term back in high school, but she eventually allowed her to be adopted soon after birth. Cate was not sure what a now older and more independent Quinn Fabray would choose to do.
"Are you keeping it?" the brunette asked, not realizing she was holding her breath as she waited for the answer.
The younger girl nodded vehemently without batting an eyelid, confirming, "Yes."
"Are you going to involve Puck?" Cate asked as she slowly released the air in her lungs.
"I don't want a relationship with Puck…I want a relationship with you," Quinn insisted, adding with a determined tone, "but…I'm going to raise this baby even if I have to do it all by myself."
Cate took another deep breath then, again, slowly let it out. This was a huge decision for Quinn, and Cate knew she had only one response. She leaned forward and put her arms around Quinn, telling her, "You won't have to it all by yourself."
Quinn swallowed hard as she absorbed Cate's affirmation, pulling back to look at the older girl, "Does that mean you're willing to take us both?"
Cate laughed at the innocence in Quinn's voice, seeing tears in the young blonde's eyes, "I want so much to be with you, Quinn…helping you with your baby is just an unexpected bonus."
Sunday, September 11, 2022
1:37 PM
Brittany Pierce walked down a back hallway inside the Gershwin Theatre toward the dressing room for the chorus girls. Lost in thought as she looked down at her cell phone to check the time, she rounded the corner and bumped into her best friend, Austin Royle.
"Oh, Britt…I'm sorry," Austin reacted first, unconsciously holding onto her forearm.
The blonde was nearly as tall as her friend, so when she looked up, the first thing she saw was his mouth. She instantly noticed his typical smile that was genuine and always showed his straight, white teeth was missing, replaced by a sort of awkward grimace.
"It's ok, Austin," Brittany assured him, "I should pay more attention."
The awkwardness of Austin's smile spread quickly to fill the space around the best friends with the air becoming as thick as a summer night in New York City. Brittany hated that the two of them were unable to reestablish their effortless sync after the whole Dave Karofsky fiasco.
Internally, Brittany understood it was never Austin's fault. It had been a random fluke that he bumped into Dave at a nightclub and an even more random misfortune that he and Dave started dating.
She also knew Austin realized none of it was his fault. Yet, for some reason, she and Austin stepped around each other the last several weeks as if hot coals encircled them both and their main objective was to pass as quickly as possible in order to survive.
"How are you doing?" Austin asked her, concern in his otherwise mellow tone.
"Good," Brittany gave a slight nod of her head and forced a smile.
The handsome brunette tilted his head and smiled back at her. This time his smile was more genuine, and his hazel-colored eyes had regained some familiarity to them. "How are you really doing?" he asked again.
"Better," Brittany insisted then expanded with less poise than she usually accomplished, "I mean, yeah…things have been hard lately…but things are…um, better."
"I'm glad," he told her, stressing, "I am really sorry about the baby, Britt."
She gave him the same thin-lipped smile she gave everyone who told her the exact same thing. She then gave him her typical verbal reply, "I know. Thank you."
She had heard "I'm sorry" and responded "I know" so many times that it was an innate reaction at this point, devoid of the emotion it once carried.
Before Austin could say anything more to Brittany, he was forced to step aside in the hall, pulling Brittany by the wrist with him toward the wall, in order to allow a small group of cast members enough room to walk. As they passed, fellow dancers Gianna Santoro and Adrian Dimas smiled sweetly, acknowledging the two of them.
Walking behind them was the chorus' oldest dancer, Naomi Rhoads. In pre-opening rehearsals, she had been knocked to the back of the chorus in order to showcase Brittany's talent. Still bitter, she used the opportunity for a little payback, articulating with the perfect blend of sarcasm and disdain, "If you have downtime, Pierce, you might consider additional practice before curtain."
One of Naomi's younger sidekicks snickered loudly for emphasis, mumbling, "Mmmhmm…she sure should."
Brittany diverted her gaze downward and said nothing, a bright pink appearing on the fair skin of her cheeks. Austin bit his bottom lip to keep from verbally attacking in response, avoiding any further embarrassment for his best friend.
Once they were alone in the hall again, Austin raised Brittany's chin with his index finger, advising her with a wink, "Keep your chin up. You can still dance circles around any of them."
She gave him a small smile and said, "Thanks."
"I'm sorry, Britt. I should have been more present for you," he admitted softly, "I know you've struggled lately."
"I've just lost focus…I'm working through everything though," she asserted, "Nobody needs to worry."
Austin put his arms around her and kissed her on top of the head, telling her, "Okay."
9:27PM
Brittany opened the bathroom door and stepped out into the bedroom area, escaping the collected steam from her shower. She had a bath towel wrapped around her and was drying her long, wet strands with another one. The hot water had done wonders for her aching muscles at the end of a grueling week of performances.
She stood for a moment in front of the mirror that was attached to the wall above the chest of drawers, running a brush through her hair. She could see Santana's reflection in the mirror as she sat behind her, curled up in the middle of the couch with her laptop on her thighs. Brittany watched as Santana leaned over and picked up a wine glass from the coffee table then took a long drink before setting it back down.
Brittany removed her towel and reached up to hang it over the top corner of the bathroom door to air dry, hanging her other one over the doorknob, then stepped into some clean underwear.
As she was pulling a lightweight sleep shirt over her head, she walked over to the couch and slipped in behind Santana on the couch, pulling her long legs up under her and wrapping her arms around her wife's waist.
"What are you so busy with over here?" Brittany asked jovially, her chin resting on Santana's shoulder.
"Job hunting," Santana answered her with no inflection in her voice.
"Job hunting? Okaaay." The blonde's eyes narrowed suspiciously while she scanned the webpage on the computer screen. Having heard no previous comments from Santana about searching for a job, she probed further, "…at Hedley and Bryant? What's that?"
"It's an advertising firm. Grayson said his friend mentioned they're hiring some office temps," Santana replied matter-of-factly.
Brittany grimaced, "You sure you want to work in an office? Doing what? Answering phones?"
"If it pays money, I do," Santana retorted, clicking out of the website and sighing heavily.
Brittany could feel Santana's body become tense, realizing her questions may have seemed critical. "Honey, I didn't mean anything by it…but I don't want you to feel like you have to take a job just anywhere," she explained further, "We're making it alright for now."
"You're the one who has been saying I need to get out of the apartment," Santana reminded her wife.
"Yes, but…I thought maybe you'd call your agent," Brittany offered, "To see what shows might be auditioning right now?"
"I don't know if I'm ready for that sort of rejection," Santana said softly, closing her laptop and leaning forward to set it on the coffee table, picking up her wine glass and taking another drink from it.
Brittany pulled Santana's hand toward her mouth and tipped the wine glass for a sip, observing, "I thought you were drinking white tonight?"
"I finished that bottle," she responded, "We only had red left."
Brittany disregarded the switch, preferring red wine anyway. She took another sip then leaned forward to set the glass back on the coffee table, assuring Santana, "You are so talented though, sweetheart…you need to be on stage. I know you miss it."
Santana shrugged. "Maybe all I'm meant to do is sit at a desk and answer phones for a while. It's low-key, and it's steady income."
Brittany did not know what to say in response. Lately, she never knew what to say to Santana or how to say anything to Santana, not wanting to push the Latina too far one way or the other, hoping to simply make it through each day without upsetting her or losing her further.
She squeezed her arms tighter around Santana's mid-section, molding herself further into the brunette's body. Brittany yearned for this type of physical connection with her wife that, until the miscarriage, had come so naturally for the couple. She leaned closer and kissed Santana's neck, pleasantly surprised when she didn't pull away from her, so Brittany kissed her again then again along her neck until she was right next to Santana's earlobe.
"I've missed holding you," the blonde said sweetly.
Santana seemed to relax a bit in Brittany's arms or perhaps Brittany was just searching for any tiny progress.
Brittany kissed the side of Santana's face along her jawline and was pleased when Santana turned her head slightly toward her. "I've missed kissing you," Brittany told her wife, kissing her on the side of her mouth and adding, "I love you, honey."
"I love you too," Santana returned the sentiment.
Hot tears crept into Brittany's blue eyes, but she squinted hard and took a settling breath to keep them contained. This was the first time in two weeks that Santana had said those words to her, and even though Santana said them with reserved affection this time, Brittany was no less thrilled and relieved to hear them.
Brittany ran her hand up under Santana's pajama shirt, caressing her smooth back as she turned the brunette to where she could kiss her on her lips.
When Santana did not stop her, she reclined against the padded arm of the couch, pulling the Latina with her. "I've missed your touch too," Brittany said before kissing Santana again.
There were two seconds in time when Brittany saw Santana's dark eyes totally check out and look off to the side, but as soon as it happened, she was back again, looking down at Brittany with a determined expression. She didn't say anything, but she settled herself to where she was on top of the blonde, parting Brittany's legs with her slender body.
Santana dragged her hand the length of Brittany's thigh, pushing up under the hem of her sleep shirt, immediately going down inside her cotton panties.
"Ohh," Brittany reacted verbally and physically to the unexpected intimacy, her body involuntarily curving away from Santana's direct contact. When she saw the look her reaction brought to her wife's face, she quickly apologized, "Sorry, hon."
"Isn't this what you wanted?" Santana clarified defensively, her hand still pressed against Brittany's opening.
Brittany grimaced at the starkness of Santana's statement, "Well…yes, but…you could at least kiss me first."
"Sorry," Santana replied, leaning down to put a tight-lipped kiss on Brittany's mouth. As soon as she did, she pushed her middle finger inside Brittany's folds, causing another unintended jerk from Brittany's body.
"Santana…," Brittany said, pushing on her wife's shoulders as the Latina lowered herself again for another forced kiss, "…stop."
Santana continued to finger Brittany, causing only discomfort for the blonde.
"What are you doing?" Brittany asked her, frustration now in her tone.
"Touching you…like you asked," Santana answered, unaware of any issue arising.
Brittany reached down and pulled on Santana's wrist, "Just stop…please."
"Why?" Santana asked, stopping the motion of her finger, "I thought I was doing what you wanted."
"Not like that, I don't," Brittany retorted as she quickly slid out from under the brunette, ending up on the living room floor with a thud, hearing the fabric of her underwear tear slightly as Santana's hand was ripped away by her fall.
"What's the problem?" the Latina inquired with irritation, sitting up on her knees.
"The problem? The problem is that hurt…," Brittany said bluntly, standing up.
"I'm sorry…I didn't mean to hurt you," Santana told Brittany with a sigh, feeling bad but not able to process the proper emotion to comfort her wife.
Brittany moved across the apartment to the wooden chest and opened the bottom drawer, taking out a pair of cotton shorts. Santana got up from the couch and followed Brittany's path, watching her from behind as she put on the shorts and took off her nightshirt to pull on a tighter fitting t-shirt.
"I said I'm sorry, ok?" she told the blonde, exasperated that her words were not convincing enough to convey her remorse.
"Since when did having sex with your wife become such a chore for you?" Brittany asked through gritted teeth as she dropped to the floor to put on socks and her running shoes.
Santana rolled her eyes though, fortunately, Brittany did not see it. "Where are you going?"
Brittany tied her second shoe and stood up, replying dismissively as she brushed past Santana, "For a run."
"It's nearly ten o'clock," Santana informed her after looking over at the digital clock on the nightstand, "…and you just showered."
Brittany grabbed her phone off of the kitchen table then her keys off the hook near the door, replying as she walked out, "Like you care anyway?"
Author's Note: I know we're deep in this for Santana and Brittany. Please give me your patience. This story is a journey. I also hope you guys who are Quate supporters are pleased. :)
I'm curious from a few of the reviews if some of you guys have never read Her Smile Heals Me first before following this sequel? I find that intriguing since so much info in this story is based on specific events, relationships, and emotions from HSHM. Please go check it out if you haven't already. It would mean a lot to me personally!
Please take a moment to leave me your thoughts or questions in a review. I love hearing from each of you. Thanks, Kim