Chapter Sixteen
Quinn's first day of Winter Break in the Holt-Berry home is spent relaxing, mainly.
They prepare for Hiram's arrival through the morning, and then Daniel and LeRoy leave to fetch him from the hospital. Emily-Anne and Rachel commandeer the kitchen to bake wholegrain bread while Quinn occupies herself with Lena. Grandpa and Grandma Holt are in their cottage, spending the day in front of the television.
It's an easy, simple day, as they wait for the rest of the family to return. Levi and Eric are only getting in the following day, both of them unable to get away until the start of the holidays. They'll be home just in time for Rachel's birthday, which she insists is going to be a small affair.
Rachel doesn't think many people would come anyway.
"Are you going to invite Finn?"
It's Emily-Anne who asks the question and, admittedly, Quinn is also curious. She keeps her attention on Lena, but she's definitely listening.
"I haven't decided," Rachel replies diplomatically. "We haven't really talked since the… incident. He apologised, and I've forgiven him, but I don't want there to be any level of discomfort or awkwardness. Particularly for Quinn."
Quinn feels her heart rate rise.
"And why would it be awkward for Quinn?" Emily-Anne presses.
"You remember that they exchanged words," Rachel says, bypassing Emily-Anne's attempt at pumping for information on the state of the girls' relationship. "Quinn is a master at holding grudges."
At the sound of that, Quinn smiles to herself, absently nuzzling Lena's soft tummy.
"Do you want Finn here?" Emily-Anne asks.
"Not really," Rachel admits. "I suspect I should, but I just want Noah and Tina, really. Maybe Mercedes and Mike, if they're free. I want something small, just the family, you know? We're already going to have to deal with the Holt clan descending on us for Christmas, so it'd be nice to have some calm before that storm hits."
Quinn wonders if Rachel is pushing for something small because of her. She remembers feeling overwhelmed by the sheer volume of Rachel's family.
"And, plus, Dad would only be home a few days, and I don't want to stress him out."
Oh.
Quinn feels a little silly for thinking it has anything to do with her.
"And a lot of people can be overwhelming," Rachel adds a moment later. "I want Quinn to be comfortable, and that is what I want."
Oh.
Quinn manages to steal Rachel away just before Hiram arrives, and she wraps her in a warm hug, kissing her tenderly.
"What was that for?" Rachel asks, feeling slightly dazed.
"No reason," Quinn says, shrugging. "Just felt like it." She pecks Rachel's lips once more, and then rushes out to meet Hiram, LeRoy and Daniel.
Hiram could get used to this.
He's been home for a few hours, and his family hasn't stopped buzzing around him, constantly asking if he's okay or if he needs anything.
Rachel especially, who's been unable to sit still for more than a few minutes at a time. Quinn even had to tug on her sweater and force her to sit on the couch with her.
Admittedly, Hiram wasn't sure what to expect when he was faced with the very real truth that the girl he requested to be gentle with his daughter took the advice and rode with it. He was apprehensive because, yes, he didn't get any indication that Quinn was, well, so inclined, but it's so obvious now.
The way she looks at Rachel as if there's nobody else in this entire world makes Hiram feel -
He's not sure what he feels about it, in all honesty.
All he knows is that Quinn looks at Rachel as if it hurts, and he isn't sure what he's supposed to do with that.
When Levi and Eric get home, the time that Quinn and Rachel can spend alone and together diminishes exponentially. If someone isn't looking for Rachel, they're looking for Quinn, and all Rachel wants to do is wrap her limbs around her girlfriend and just hold on.
They've resorted to sneaking kisses in bathrooms and getting handsy whenever they have a few seconds alone. It's bound to get them caught, but Rachel just wants to be able to touch Quinn whenever she wants to.
Surely, as her girlfriend, she's earned that right.
Like, right now.
Eric and Daniel have just walked out of the kitchen, and Rachel's hands are immediately on Quinn's hips, tugging her close. Quinn has only a moment to register her surprise before there's an insistent tongue in her mouth. She punctuates the intrusion with a pleasurable moan, and draws Rachel closer by wrapping her arms around tiny shoulders.
"Do you think that, if we disappeared upstairs for, like, an hour; they would miss us?" Rachel asks, already breathless.
"Probably," Quinn murmurs, pressing kisses to Rachel's cheeks. "You're very missable."
"But why?" Rachel whines. "I don't want to be missable. I want to be able to sneak away so I can do naughty things to you."
Quinn's breath catches. "What if we say we're catching a nap?"
"Together?" Rachel questions. "We may as well just have signs on our foreheads that tell everyone we just really want to make out."
"For hours," Quinn adds, and Rachel's decision is made.
Steeling herself, she grabs Quinn's hand and drags her out of the kitchen. When they walk past the living room, Rachel calls out. "We're tired. We're catching a nap. See you in a few hours."
Quinn has to hold back her giggles as Rachel almost pulls her shoulder out of her socket to get her up the stairs. This time, they go to Rachel's bedroom - it has a working lock - and their mouths meet the moment said lock is engaged.
"Oh, my God," Rachel moans, her fingers immediately sliding into Quinn's hair as Quinn pushes her back towards the bed. She wants them in the position they've both come to enjoy: Rachel squirming, and Quinn in control above her.
It constantly tests Rachel's trust, and it forces Quinn to remain aware.
Who knows what would happen if ever either of those things changed?
Before long, Quinn has Rachel exactly where she wants her, and then Rachel is tugging at Quinn's shirt, lifting it up with the intention of removing it completely. It's a step for them, and Quinn's hesitation makes Rachel pause.
"It's okay," Rachel tells her, acknowledging Quinn's desire to keep her scars hidden. "It's okay, Quinn. I know they're there. I've felt them."
Quinn looks away, embarrassed.
"Hey," Rachel soothes. "Look at me. Look at me." Her breath catches at the conflict and indecision and fear in hazel eyes, and she reaches up to press a tender kiss to the corner of Quinn's mouth. "I won't look if you don't want me to," she whispers. "I just want to touch everything I can."
Quinn drops kisses to the skin of Rachel's neck, sinking lower as her fingers work on unbuttoning her shirt. She wants more skin, and Rachel allows her this moment. They'll do it together.
Before long, they're both wearing only bras on their upper bodies and jeans below. Rachel's hands are on Quinn's back, smoothing over the scars she can feel but cannot see. It's not something they've spoken about, and she doesn't think either of them is ready for that conversation, so she's content to lie here and lose herself in the feel of Quinn Fabray.
"I could probably do this for the rest of my life," Quinn says, punctuating her words with a significant roll of her hips.
"What?" Rachel pants; "suffocate me?"
Quinn recoils, gasping. "You take that back."
Rachel pulls her back down with a giggle and kisses her again. These kisses are heated, accompanied by low moans and the drag of nails across tender skin. Rachel thought she knew about desire, but she definitely didn't.
Not at all.
Now, though, she thinks she has a better idea.
Does this make her more gay than straight? Is it just the fact that it's Quinn? Has it just been so long since she's allowed herself to enjoy it? It isn't as if she hasn't wanted this; she just doesn't trust herself enough.
Over the summer, she and Finn exchanged a few kisses, but everything felt like too much with him. She toyed with the idea that her experience had ruined boys for her, but she still finds some of them attractive. Just, nobody makes her run hot like Quinn Fabray, who is currently licking her way down Rachel's abdomen.
Rachel can only watch the gorgeous creature that is her girlfriend descend past her breasts and down to the waistband of her sweatpants. Quinn presses a littering of kisses there, before she makes her way back up.
Maybe it's the wrong time to ask this question, but it's out of her mouth before she can stop it.
"Quinn, are you a virgin?"
Quinn freezes, somewhat expectedly, and her eyes meet Rachel's. "Uh, no," she says, pressing one light kiss just below Rachel's left breast before settling and growing still on Rachel's body. "I'm not a virgin, Rachel."
"Sam?" she finds herself asking, hoping and praying that she's wrong.
Quinn chuckles softly. "No, I've never slept with Sam," she says. "I've never actually slept with a boy; try as they might."
"So, a girl?" Rachel's fingers slide into Quinn's hair, absently playing with the strands as is one of her favourite things to do.
Quinn hesitates. "Define girl."
Rachel frowns. "Um, a female?"
"Okay, then, yes," Quinn says.
"Quinn?"
The blonde drops her head, resting her forehead against Rachel's collarbone. "She's older than me," she eventually says.
"Okay?"
"Ten years older than me," Quinn clarifies, unable to look at Rachel. "Her name is Tori, and we've known each other since I was twelve years old. She was my first real girl crush. My first girl kiss, and the only person I've ever had sex with."
Rachel, frankly, is unsure how she's supposed to respond to all that information.
Quinn ends up continuing with her explanation, and some of it sounds like a justification to her own ears, but she can't bring herself to stop talking. "When Mary retired, Tori was just graduating college, and she needed a summer job. Well, I mean, she didn't need it, but she needed work experience or something, so she came to live with us, and she was great. Being a child starved of attention, I loved her immediately, and it was innocent until it just wasn't.
"I guess it all started with Sam. I just wasn't attracted to him. He's sweet and nice and obviously good looking, but I just didn't like him the way I knew I was supposed to. But, I forced myself, though, and, eventually, if I just imagined I was kissing someone else, I could get through it.
"I freaked the fuck out when I started imagining kissing Tori. Like, majorly. I mean, I've always been more open than my family, and I'm accepting, but being gay was just going to be another thing to create this divide between me and them. I was resigned, back then, to turn out exactly the way they wanted and expected. I was going to become the lawyer they want and let them marry me off to whichever family will gain us the highest status politically, and live out my life in relative obscurity. I convinced myself I could do that.
"But then I figured out I liked girls and that all went to shit. I know what my father thinks about gay people, Rachel. I've heard his words and seen his actions. He believes they're the scum of the earth. He doesn't think they deserve to live; that they're soiling everything God built for us, and hearing him preach about how they're all abominations is so…" she trails off, not really wanting to explore that right now.
"So, I needed to be sure," Quinn goes on, needing to get this out. "I needed to be sure it wasn't just some passing phase; something that I just needed to get out of my system. I couldn't tell anyone about it, of course, but I needed to know. So, the summer after sophomore year, I started to look at Tori objectively. She was the safest, and I knew she would keep my secrets. I'm sure you can imagine my surprise to find her looking right back. Looking was fine, you know. As long as we were just looking.
"But, it wasn't enough. I was young and inexperienced, and I stupidly tried to seduce her." Quinn closes her eyes, her breathing surprisingly steady and even, despite the topic of discussion. "She laughed at me, you know? Like, legitimately laughed in my face, called me insane and delusional, and what the hell was I thinking trying to get her into bed?
"I remember, one minute we were fighting about it, yelling at each other, and then, the next, we were kissing. All we did was kiss at first, and it was everything I ever imagined, Rachel. It was… magic, you know? I know it sounds silly, and you must think I'm such a nerd, but being with her felt like I imagined it was supposed to feel with a boy."
Rachel's fingers haven't stopped playing with Quinn's hair. It's the only thing she's focusing on as Quinn tells her tale. The brunette is unsure how she's supposed to react when it's over. She's definitely affected, and she doesn't want to hurt Quinn with just how affected she is.
"We spent the summer together. It was all it was ever going to be. She's in the same boat I am. Her parents expect things from her, and I thought, maybe, maybe we could get out together, or whatever." Quinn sighs, her breath warm against Rachel's flesh. "I'm gay. I'm very gay, and I don't think I could survive the life they want for me. I would much rather die than do that."
Quinn sounds so serious, and Rachel feels her heart twist at the honesty in that last sentence.
"Tori's giving in," Quinn says. "She's getting married to the man her parents practically chose for her, and it makes me sick. It disgusts me that this is the life we're living. She's going to do it, and I don't know if I can.
"So, I've been making plans. I'm going to get out, somehow, Rachel. It'll probably be ugly and scarring, but I can use the one thing they value most against them. Appearances. They'll want everything to be hidden and quiet; behind closed doors. I know I can do this. We can just… part ways, or whatever. Once I turn eighteen, I won't need them anymore. Once I'm of age, I'll have access to my trust fund and they won't have any rights over me, and we'll never have to see one another again. I'll - I'll get to be happy." She sucks in a shuddering breath. "With you."
Quinn has said so much, and the only response Rachel can think - or not think, in hindsight - to say is, "I love you."
Quinn's head snaps up, her eyes wide as she meets Rachel's gaze. "Y-you what?"
Forcing away her sudden panic, Rachel repeats her words, stronger and more confident. "I love you, Quinn."
"Do - do you really mean that?"
"I do," Rachel says, seriously and confidently. "I really do."
"Good," Quinn murmurs, dropping her head once more; "because I love you too."
If Rachel expects things to be awkward after their declarations of love - and the revelation of Quinn's relationship with her nanny - she's right.
Things are awkward.
On some other kind of level.
Rachel knows they're going to have to talk about it, but, the moment she's awoken by a squealing Declan on the morning of her birthday; she knows that finding free time with Quinn is going to be nearly impossible. She's expecting a full house of family and friends… and Uncle Jared, but she's decided it's best not to think about that right now.
She's just relieved that her youngest cousin hasn't seemed to have noticed that she's not actually in her own bedroom. How would she even explain that… in a way that won't see him blabbing to everyone he meets?
With a frustrated sigh at the fact that Quinn seems to be gone, Rachel allows Declan to commandeer her attention. After a quick stop in the bathroom, she allows him to drag her downstairs where she is showered in hugs and kisses and well wishes by all the family present.
Except, well, her father and girlfriend are missing.
LeRoy must notice her scanning eyes because he bumps her with his hip and hands her a glass of freshly-squeezed juice. "Quinn took your dad out on a walk," he explains quietly. "She's determined to get him active, and I love her for it. He knows how to get out of it with me and you, but he's not as well-versed on Quinn's tactics, and she really doesn't take no for an answer."
Despite how unsettled Rachel feels about the state of peace in her secret relationship, she finds herself smiling. She knows Quinn is doing it for her. Hiram just doesn't listen, and he's not doing any of the exercises the doctors prescribed for him.
Quinn isn't going to let him slack, and Rachel's sure she loves the blonde that bit more.
Every day, she's falling more and more in love with her.
God, she hopes she never stops.
She's always had this theory that 'love' exists as this bottomless pit that you fall deeper and deeper into and, it won't matter how long you've known someone or how much you time you've spent together; you'll keep falling.
As yet, she's still working on the part of her theory that allows for… the opposite direction. Falling out of love. Perhaps, one has to claw his or her way out of the pit for that to happen. Maybe someone else sends down a rope, and you're able to pull yourself out.
Rachel forces the thoughts from her mind because she's supposed to be happy and light today. It's her birthday, and LeRoy is making her special vegan waffles. She's not even sure why when she's really not a vegan anymore. She barely passes for a vegetarian these days. She's actually more worried about her figure than her conscience.
It's ten minutes later when Hiram returns to the house. Alone. Rachel has only a moment to wonder where Quinn is before Hiram is wrapping her in a bear hug and squeezing the air right out of her lungs. He seems more excited about her birthday than she is, and he makes sure to sit right beside her as she eats her specially-prepared breakfast.
"Where's Quinn?" is the first thing she asks when she can get a word into his rambling. It's not a wonder where she inherited it from, though she's managed to curb that part of her personality.
Many things have changed about her in the last year.
Hiram laughs, all too knowingly. "Well, after our little walk, she went on a run," he says. "She's rather fit, isn't she? She was running circles around me. Made me a little dizzy, really."
Rachel can't help her smile. Quinn is fit. Rachel would know because she's had hands and lips on those perfectly defined muscles, sweat and all. Gosh, even thinking about it is making her blush.
LeRoy gets their collective attention with a bang of a wooden spoon against a pan. Completely unnecessary, if you ask Rachel. "Okay, so, party starts at four o'clock," he says. "I imagine people will be arriving in waves between now and then. Food's being prepared. Help yourselves. Please try not to make a mess. Levi, I need you to make a run into town because somebody - we won't mention names but it was Daniel - forgot to buy cans of fruit cocktail for the fruit salad."
Rachel loves the chaos of her family.
The kitchen is literally buzzing with activity, and she adores it. It's what she wants for her life. She wants a large, ginormous family that's full of life, and she can't stop herself from thinking she wants it with Quinn.
Who, incidentally, finds this all a little overwhelming. It's not as if Rachel blames her. The family can be a bit much, but Rachel thinks Quinn secretly likes it. She'll get used to it eventually.
Rachel did.
When Quinn finally gets back, she's breathing heavily and slicked with sweat. Her face is flushed, and there's just so much skin.
Rachel isn't the only person who stares.
Under the scrutiny, Quinn awkwardly mumbles something about an asthma inhaler and a shower, and then bolts from the kitchen. Rachel has to shake her head to clear it, and LeRoy says, "Close your mouth, Eric. You'll catch a fly."
Rachel's eyes drift towards her brother, who, yes, looks equally as struck dumb as she feels. It's okay for her, because Quinn is her girlfriend, but she really doesn't want her brother ogling her blonde. There are just too many things wrong with that. On any number of levels. She's not even sure how she's supposed to address that.
And, really, by the time Quinn emerges once more, Rachel is at even more of a loss as to what to do. Quinn isn't exactly… acting normal. Besides the 'Happy Birthday' hug - which was stiff and awkward - she bestowed upon Rachel; she's steered clear of the brunette.
Things are also that bit more tense because they all know that Jared is going to be arriving at some point in the afternoon, and nobody wants to deal with that.
Robert explained that he had a stern talking-to with his father - Quinn is his latest crush - and the man promises to be on his best behaviour. They've toyed with the idea of his apologising, but Rachel thinks it's best if Jared and Quinn just don't talk. At all.
Or, ever.
Okay, no. If Quinn is going to be in her life for as long as Rachel wants her - for forever - then their family is going to have to learn to get along. Right now, though, they're working at Quinn's pace, and Rachel quite likes that pace. It's nice to have something that's just theirs, and nobody else's.
Even if things are supremely awkward right now.
"Are you and Quinn fighting?"
It's Emily-Anne who asks the question, and Rachel is relieved by that for only a second because, well, she doesn't know if they are fighting. They're definitely something, and she's clearly been unable to hide it well.
"Something just feels off," Emily-Anne elaborates. "Did something happen?"
Rachel contemplates her next move. She supposes she could try to talk to her sister-in-law without actually talking to her. Maybe she can offer some advice on how to approach the situation.
Carefully, Rachel sets down her glass of freshly-squeezed juice and turns to look at Emily-Anne. They're sitting in the living room, Lena asleep on the floor on a mat on the carpet in front of them. She's tucked away nice and tightly, and Rachel keeps catching herself staring at her serenity when she's supposed to be paying attention to conversation.
"We're not… fighting," Rachel starts. "It's just that Quinn kind of told me something, and I don't think I've handled it well. At all. In any way, really."
Emily-Anne keeps her eyes on Rachel, searching her face for something. When she doesn't find it, she asks, "Are you ever going to tell me that you're actually together?" She tries really hard to keep the slight hurt out of her voice, but she must fail because Rachel tenses in response.
Breathing a somewhat defeated sigh at being so easily caught out, Rachel shifts her gaze to Lena. "To be honest, I'm not sure I was planning to," she confesses quietly. "After everything that happened with Uncle Jared, and Quinn's crippling fear of being found out; I was quite content for us to exist behind closed doors."
If Emily-Anne is hurt by that, she doesn't show it. "Since when?" she asks instead, her need for details pushed to the forefront of her mind.
"The day we left after Thanksgiving," she says. "I just couldn't hold it in, you know? I had to tell her, and then face the consequences, whatever they were going to be."
"She surprised you?"
"She's constantly surprising me," Rachel says, and her expression predictably turns dreamy, which makes Emily-Anne smile. "We haven't told anyone," Rachel says, suddenly sobering. "Just Dad and Lee, really. I haven't even told Britt, though I suspect she already knows."
"It's easy to see if you know where to look."
Rachel raises her eyebrows. "And just what are you seeing, Mrs Holt?"
Emily-Anne smiles knowingly. "You, my dear, are in love."
Rachel, to her credit, doesn't even attempt to deny it. "I am," she says. "I told her for the first time last night."
Emily-Anne blinks. "Is that why you're both acting so weird? Didn't she say it back?"
Rachel chuckles somewhat darkly. "That's just the thing," she says. "She did say it back."
"I don't understand."
"You and me both, Em," she says. "All I know is that I'm so dangerously and ridiculously in love with her, and you are the second person who will ever know."
Emily-Anne leans towards her. "Why are you hiding?"
Rachel stares at her, incredulous. "Are you seriously asking me that question, right now?"
"Yes," she answers, completely unfazed by Rachel's reaction. "I would like to know the reasons."
Rachel sighs. There are so many. It would be a miracle they came out, at all. "Well, obviously, there's already stigma attached to homosexuality," Rachel starts. "It would be exponentially worse because I have two fathers, and let's not even get started on Quinn's family. Her father is a politician, who openly despises gay people."
Emily-Anne nods in sympathy. "Okay… that's the public," she says; "but you're at home now."
"And how welcoming was 'home' the last time we were here?" she asks pointedly, actually shuddering at the memory of her uncle's hatred and ire. She still hasn't spoken a word to him since then, and she has half a mind to ask him not to come to her party, but that would just create unnecessary tension, and she knows Quinn will be even more uncomfortable with that.
"Uncle Jared won't say anything," Emily-Anne weakly defends. "He knows about you, remember? And it shouldn't matter who you date."
"It's not that," she says, because it really isn't. "It's not that I'm worried that he'll… disapprove of my choice of romantic partner," she says. "I'm more concerned about how he'll use it."
"Oh."
Rachel's sure she doesn't have to explain further.
Rachel is able to accept and plow through Quinn's apparent aversion to her because she's too busy being 'passed around' and handed well wishes. It's her birthday, and she's the centre of attention.
The more and more people arrive; the less times she sees Quinn. Even though the blonde doesn't say anything to her, it doesn't stop her from looking, and Rachel can practically feel hazel eyes tracking her movement as she makes her way through the living room with Tina attached to her arm.
Rachel misses her friend. They're not very good at the entire communication thing - Tina is notoriously bad at replying to texts or returning calls - but they can spend every single second of every day of the holidays together.
She's also so happy to see Noah, whom, she learns, is actually dating a girl. He blushes when he tells her, and Rachel knows this one is going to be different. Noah Puckerman does not blush.
"You'll probably meet her before you go to New York," Noah tells her, popping three jalapeño peppers into his mouth at once.
Rachel cringes at the display, her fingers curling around her cup of hot chocolate. They're standing in a corner of the main living room, and she feels oddly at ease with all the hustle and bustle of this get-together. She knows it would be much better if Quinn was actually talking to her, but she'll take her victories where she can.
And, right now, she's just relieved that Uncle Jared is behaving, and that Finn isn't here. Apparently, the boy is away for the holidays, and Rachel feels unmistakably relieved by that. It's one less thing to worry about.
"What's her name?" Rachel asks, her eyes on Noah, even though she can feel Quinn's on her from across the room. There's a certain thrill she feels whenever she knows Quinn is looking at her. It's one of those things she hopes will never lose its appeal.
"Jennifer," Noah says after a moment of hesitation. "She works at Proof."
Rachel automatically grins. "Does that mean we get free croissants?"
"It doesn't," he replies with a laugh. "I've asked and begged, but employees don't get free stuff." He looks thoughtful. "Though, everything they don't sell at the end of the day is kind of a free-for-all."
"Now, I see why you like her," she teases and, instead of contradicting her about the obvious allusion to his feelings, he just blushes again.
Well, well, well.
It seems a lot has happened since Thanksgiving.
They're both in relationships.
Rachel wants to tell him; she really wants to, but she's uncomfortable enough with the number of people who already know, and Noah's not known for his secret-keeping. She hasn't forgotten that he's the one who revealed to Finn that they once kissed, while he was drunk. She still hasn't forgiven him for it either, because that had been one long, awkward week.
Speaking of awkward.
Rachel's eyes drift towards Quinn, and she sighs.
This is definitely some birthday, indeed.
Finally getting tired of the blatant and somewhat hurtful awkwardness, Rachel just plucks Quinn out of a conversation with Eric and Robert and drags her by the hand up to her bedroom. They need to talk, and they need to talk now.
Rachel can't stand the avoided gazes and charged silence.
"I told you I love you," Rachel says as soon as they're behind the closed door. "Is that why you're freaking out?"
"I am not freaking out," Quinn says slowly, carefully removing herself from Rachel's grip. "And, if I recall correctly, I told you I love you too."
Ignoring the flutter in her chest at the sound of those repeated words, Rachel asks, "Then, what is so wrong?"
"Why do you think something is wrong?"
"Because you can barely look at me, right now," she points out. "Why can't you look at me, Quinn?"
"Why can you?" Quinn eventually blurts out.
Rachel frowns in confusion. "What? What does that even mean?"
Quinn rounds on her, looking at her in disbelief. "I told you that I - I slept with my nanny, repeatedly, and you've said nothing. I don't know what you expect me to do with that."
Rachel breathes out slowly. "I wasn't aware there was something you wanted me to say, Quinn."
"There isn't!" she bursts, her arms flailing. "I don't know, okay? I just - I mean - it's not normal, is it? There's something wrong with it, right? That's what you're thinking."
"That's not what I'm thinking, Quinn."
"Then what are you thinking?" she asks, her tone of voice almost desperate. "How am I supposed to know when you haven't even told me."
Rachel sighs. She knew anything she did or didn't say would end with something like this. Still, it's better than the awkwardness, she supposes. At least Quinn is looking at her, let alone talking to her.
"I'm thinking that I love you, Quinn," Rachel says carefully. "It's what I was thinking yesterday, and it's what I'm thinking right now. It's all I've been thinking about, actually."
Quinn just looks at her, helpless, and Rachel realises Quinn wants more than that. She wants to hear Rachel absolve her of any wrongdoing; she wants Rachel to tell her it's okay that she experimented with a woman who kept her a secret, is ten years older than her and eventually left her to be with a man she does not love.
Quinn wants Rachel to tell her it's okay to be gay.
As cautiously as she can, Rachel reaches out for Quinn. The fingers of her left hand gently touch Quinn's cheek, and the blonde lets out a quiet whimper. "What did you think would change when you told me?" she asks.
"I don't know," Quinn admits. "But I definitely didn't think you would tell me you love me."
Rachel smiles softly, warmly, trying to reassure her girlfriend. "You're thinking the worst," she says. "Stop, okay? The past is the past. However you got to this point in your life… it all happened. There's nothing either of us can do about that." She takes a deep breath, searching for the words. "I can't say I'm particularly happy with what transpired. I don't know how I would react if ever I were to meet this Tori. You were a child. She should have known better. It's illegal."
Quinn's breath catches.
"But, it happened," Rachel says, her palm flat against Quinn's cheek. "It happened, and I'm sorry that you were hurt by it."
Quinn blinks. "I wasn't hurt," she defends.
"Oh, baby," Rachel murmurs, stepping closer and feeling the way her girlfriend is trembling. "It's torn you up."
"No, it hasn't," she argues.
Rachel doesn't want to fight, so she just draws Quinn into a hug, pressing her body close, so Quinn can feel all of her. "Just know that I love you, okay? What happened with Tori changes nothing for me. I still want you. Literally, all the time."
Quinn lets out an amused breath. "I think you would be insatiable, wouldn't you?"
"My girlfriend it hot."
Quinn tilts her head, leaning into Rachel's hand. "I'm sorry I've made your birthday so… awkward."
Rachel chuckles. "Don't you know by now that I love awkward?"
Quinn leans forward and presses her lips to Rachel's. It's supposed to be a short kiss, quick and sweet, but Rachel chases Quinn's mouth when she pulls away and, before either of them knows it, Rachel has Quinn pressed up against the door with her tongue in her mouth and her hands under her shirt.
"There is an entire party going on downstairs," Quinn hears herself say, but she doesn't try to stop Rachel from tugging on her shirt. Instead, she lifts her arms up and Rachel immediately divests her of her upper garment.
Rachel immediately attacks Quinn's neck, sucking the skin into her mouth before she bites down, knowing she's going to leave a mark. She can't bring herself to care.
Quinn's head drops back against the door, and she pants helplessly. She knows she should tell Rachel to stop, but the words don't come. Instead, she closes her eyes, forces her breathing to slow, and then accepts whatever is happening.
Rachel notices the moment Quinn stops fighting, and she smiles to herself when she feels Quinn's hands slide over the skin of her back, tugging her closer. They kiss again, mouths hot and wet, and Quinn uses the opportunity to lift Rachel off the ground, turn them around and press Rachel against the door. The brunette wraps her legs around her, letting out a long moan when Quinn's hips press against her centre.
"Rachel," Quinn murmurs, lips dragging along Rachel's jaw and latching onto her neck. She feels a tug on her hair, and she pulls back, panting. "What?" Then: "Shit. Are you not okay?"
Rachel answers with a long kiss that leaves them both breathless. "I'm okay," she says unnecessarily. "I just - I just really love you."
Quinn smiles this lazy, content smile that tugs at Rachel's heartstrings and sends a pool of heat southward. "Happy birthday, Rachel Berry," she whispers, and then kisses her again. The heat has gone out of their kiss, and it's now slow and tender, their bodies pressed tightly together.
Rachel wants her closer, which is near impossible, but the thought still makes her smile as she slowly ends the kiss, resting her forehead against Quinn's and tightening her arms around her neck. "Are we okay?"
"We were always okay," Quinn automatically replies.
Rachel's eyes close, wondering if Quinn actually believes that. Maybe, a part of her does, but Rachel's not going to call her out on it now. They still have plenty to talk about, sure, and Rachel's going to make sure they have all the time in the world to do so.
Chuckling lightly, Rachel presses kisses to the edge of Quinn's jaw. "Do you know how hot you are?" she asks, shaking her head in disbelief. "You're like so hot that people would probably walk into traffic looking at you."
Quinn frowns, though she's clearly very amused. "That doesn't very sound safe."
"Who cares?" Rachel says with a shrug. "They'd die happy."
Quinn steals a kiss, a smile spreading across her face. "How much longer do you think we could get away with staying up here?" she asks.
As if someone has heard her question, there's a knock on the door. Quinn freezes, and Rachel gasps, before they both burst out laughing uncontrollably.
"Rachel?" LeRoy calls through the door. "Sweetheart, is everything okay?"
Rachel tries to stem the flow of her laughter. "Everything's fine, Lee," she manages to say. "We'll be right out. Sorry."
"Okay," he says. "We're about to cut the cake and open presents."
"We'll be down in a minute."
Quinn is still laughing into Rachel's neck when they hear LeRoy shuffle away. "You are so naughty."
"Oh, my dear, you've seen nothing yet."
It's the feel of Quinn's hand on the small of her back that makes Rachel know this has to be the best birthday she's ever had. Quinn is sitting beside her on the couch in the living room, and everyone else is situated all around them, watching as Rachel opens her presents with enthusiasm. She gushes at all of them, even the embroidered set of towels she receives from Uncle Jared and Aunt Edith.
When Quinn risks the intimate gesture, Rachel automatically relaxes, leaning into her touch and wanting nothing more than to turn her head and steal a kiss from her stunning girlfriend.
She doesn't.
She does smile, though, and her eyes drop down to Quinn's lips.
The blonde grins right back, her eyes knowing, and it's almost as good as a kiss, Rachel decides. She's vaguely aware of someone snapping a picture, and she reluctantly returns her attention to her gifts.
Tina is sitting on Rachel's left side, absently taking notes of the presents for Rachel's 'Thank You' cards she's probably going to spend hours writing later. She's nothing if not grateful for all the family and love with which she's surrounded.
Rachel Berry is nothing if not polite.
Forcing herself not to kiss Quinn when she opens the blonde's present takes every ounce of strength Rachel doesn't even know she has. When she reveals the pen drawing of her own face, she bursts into tears, and then covers her face with her hands in an attempt to hide it.
Quinn's eyes widen in alarm. "Rachel," she squeaks, her hands automatically reaching out to remove Rachel's from her face.
Ignoring her best friend's dramatics, Tina lifts the drawing from Rachel's lap and studies it closely. "Wow," she eventually declares. "Did you do this, Quinn?"
The blonde blinks, suddenly aware that the entire room is now staring at her. She definitely should have gone with the other part of the present for public viewing instead.
But, jewellery has to be more intimate than this, surely.
"Quinn?" Tina prompts when the blonde is silent for too long.
"Oh," Quinn sounds, clearing her throat. "Um, yeah, it's just something I, umm, put together one afternoon," she explains.
"You did that in one afternoon?" Eric asks, looking at the drawing over Tina's shoulder.
Quinn blushes, ducking her head. "It was a pretty boring prefects' meeting," she says, as if it's all the explanation anyone needs.
Rachel looks at her, incredulous. "Is that what you were doing?" she asks. "I thought you were taking copious notes. I was convinced I was doing something wrong."
Quinn chuckles softly, and then sobers slightly. "Do you like it?" she asks softly, mostly for only Rachel's ears.
"Oh, Quinn," Rachel says with a shake of her head. Unable to stop herself, she throws her arms around her girlfriend's shoulders and squeezes her tightly, pressing her face into the crook of her neck. She risks a quick press of her lips to warm skin, and then pulls back. "I love it," she declares. "It's beautiful." She suddenly looks at LeRoy. "We have to get it framed."
"Of course, Sweetheart," he immediately says, which prompts Tina to pass the drawing around the room.
Quinn turns bright red under all the praise, and she can barely look any of them in the eye. Her ability to draw isn't something she showcases at home. In fact, the only person in Hartford who even knows she has any semblance of talent in that department is Tori. Her parents would probably tell her she's wasting her time with such frivolous hobbies.
"You're really very good, Quinn," Levi says, looking thoughtful. "Do you do a lot of these?"
It's Rachel who responds, her spine straightening and her hand resting casually on Quinn's knee. "Oh, yes," she says. "Pens and pencils and paints, you name it. She can do it all."
Levi nods thoughtfully. "Maybe you can show a few things to Kelsey when she gets here," he says. "She's all arty, and all that."
Quinn's blush hasn't let up once and she doesn't think she could speak if she tried, so she just nods her thanks, and urges Rachel to open her next present. She needs the attention off the drawing, and she can only be immensely relieved that nobody has actually commented on the fact that she drew Rachel's face in such startling detail.
Quinn now knows every little nuance of her girlfriend's perfect features.
She can practically draw them from memory.
Between all the presents, the food and the people, the next time Rachel and Quinn get a moment alone is when they finally call it a night. Quinn bids everyone goodnight first, reluctantly submitting to a few hugs, and then disappearing upstairs.
Rachel waits fifteen minutes before she exaggerates a yawn and clambers over Levi's outstretched legs. The only family left in the living room are the members that actually live in the house, so she doesn't feel too rude about wanting to go and thank her girlfriend for her present properly.
Rachel hugs everyone, kissing cheeks, and then grabs a few things from the kitchen before heading upstairs to her bedroom. She spends endless minutes getting ready for bed, and then she gathers her things and heads to Quinn's room - she's not going to refer to it as Daniel's old room anymore because, yes, she has every intention of doing dirty, dirty things to her girlfriend and she would much rather not be thinking about her brother.
It's a surprise and also not when Rachel opens the door to find Quinn Fabray already fast asleep, practically dead to the world. She's still in her glasses, a book resting facedown on her chest, and a little blue box at her side. It's obvious she tried to wait up, but Rachel took too long, apparently.
Smiling at her girlfriend's adorableness, Rachel pads across the carpet to Quinn's side. As carefully as she can, she removes Quinn's glasses and book from her person and sets them on the nightstand. The little blue box comes next, and it takes all her willpower not to look inside. She knows it's for her, but she's going to wait for Quinn.
She'll wait forever for this girl.