Chapter Eighteen
It's exactly eight-twenty-seven the next morning when Rachel heads downstairs, already dressed for the day's festivities.
It's Christmas Day, and she's supposed to be happy and joyful, but all she feels is sick to her stomach, and she has a splitting headache.
It doesn't help that she looks like a disaster. Her eyes are puffy from crying herself to sleep, and she feels completely drained, both physically and emotionally. Is this what heartbreak is supposed to feel like, because she's honestly never felt anything like it?
It's as if it's in her very bones.
Rachel finds LeRoy and Grandma Holt in the kitchen when she finally wills herself to show her face. LeRoy actually startles at the sight of her, his eyes narrowing at the state of her face.
"Uh, Sweetheart," he starts. "Are you - is everything - what's wrong?"
Rachel's shoulders slump, and she almost runs straight into his embrace, but she contains herself, even though she really needs a hug right about now. "Quinn - Quinn and I had a fight," she just about manages to say, which is probably the biggest understatement imaginable.
LeRoy's facial expression softens. "Oh, Honey," he says. "Cou - uh, best friends fight all the time."
Rachel almost rolls her eyes at his near-slip, but she's too exhausted for derision. Her heart is aching and, as far as she knows, they're barely even a 'couple' right now.
"You don't understand," she says. "It - it was bad, Lee. It was awful, horrible, absolutely terrible. She said things, I said things, and I don't even know where it all came from. It - it was nasty." She feels tears prick at her eyes, and she really doesn't want to do any more crying.
LeRoy isn't sure what to say.
"I slapped her," Rachel suddenly cries, burying her face in her hands. "I actually slapped her. I - I don't even know what I was thinking."
LeRoy waits only a beat before he's crossing the kitchen and wrapping her in his arms. He just holds her as she cries, and he's aware of his own mother's hand on his back as she walks past them and out of the kitchen to give them some semblance of privacy in this large, open kitchen.
"I hate her for doing this," Rachel sobs into his chest. "I hate her, but I'm just so in love with her. I love her so much, and she's just so… frustrating and annoying and so, so stupid."
LeRoy rubs soothing circles on her back as he tries to calm her.
Eventually, Rachel does grow quiet, and she wipes at her eyes as she pulls out of his embrace. "Only Quinn Fabray has the power to do this to me."
LeRoy feels helpless. "I don't know what you two fought about, but I do know that talking about it will help. The two of you have had the night to think on it, and you're probably much calmer now."
Rachel isn't sure about that. "Where is she, anyway?"
LeRoy frowns. "I haven't seen her."
Rachel feels an uneasy shiver run down her spine. "What?" she asks. "Isn't she walking with Dad?"
"It's Christmas Day," LeRoy explains. "He's taking the day off. He's still in bed."
Rachel blinks. "And you haven't seen Quinn at all?" she asks.
"Not a peep," he says. "Maybe she decided to sleep in."
Rachel is already backing out of the kitchen because, no, Quinn does not sleep in. Ever. Not until this late in the morning, at the very least, and Rachel feels her panic rip through her as she races up the stairs to Daniel's room. She has no idea what she's expecting to find, and her heart stutters at the sight before her.
Nothing.
The bed is perfectly made, and there's no sign of Quinn or any of her things. Frankly, it looks as if nobody has been in the room for years, and Rachel's heart literally breaks.
She's gone.
She's gone.
"Quinn," Rachel says into the empty room, just because she can't think of anything else to do. Quinn is gone, and her brain is refusing to compute just what that means.
Just, how?
When?
What?
Recovering some semblance of control of her extremities, Rachel turns around and rushes back downstairs. She practically bowls over LeRoy when she gets to the kitchen. "Daddy, she's gone," she chokes out, her breathing choppy.
LeRoy stops what he's doing immediately because Rachel calls him 'Daddy' only when she's stressed, panicked, hurt or wants something very specific from him. "What?"
"Quinn is gone," she forces out. "The room is empty and her things are - " she halts suddenly, at the sound of rough, painful coughing.
Or is it wheezing?
Her heart jumps into her throat, and she sprints from the kitchen and out the front door. She rounds the house and comes face-to-face with a red-faced, doubled-over Quinn Fabray, whose one hand is on the wall and the other over her chest.
It takes Rachel far too long to realise Quinn can't breathe.
She's having an asthma attack.
"Daddy!" Rachel screams, as she sprints towards Quinn, immediately sliding an arm around her waist to support her. "Daddy!"
A moment later, LeRoy comes barrelling out of the house, along with Levi, Kelsey and Eric.
"Her inhaler," Rachel says. "She needs her inhaler." She looks at Quinn, who she's forced to straighten. "Where is it? Quinn, baby, I need you to focus. Where's your inhaler?"
"B-bag."
Rachel looks at her family. "Her bag, her backpack," she says, though she doesn't know how much good that'll do. Still, Levi and Kelsey rush back into the house, and LeRoy and Eric move towards the girls.
Quinn grabs onto Rachel's sweater, fisting it tightly. "I - I ca - "
"It's okay," Rachel soothes, running a hand over her hair. "The inhaler's coming. Just hold on, okay?"
"I'm so - sor - "
"Ssh," Rachel says, kissing her forehead. "It's okay. Just take long, deep breaths. Don't try to talk."
When Levi comes flying out of the house, he immediately hands the bag to Rachel, who searches for the inhaler in Quinn's - thankfully - organised mess, and then hands it to LeRoy. Between him and Quinn, they manage to get the attack under control, and Rachel can't bear to look away from Quinn.
She's never actually witnessed an attack, but Santana once told her about one Quinn suffered in their freshman year. She said it was fucking scary.
Rachel has to agree.
LeRoy turns to Eric. "Go inside and make her a coffee. No milk, no sugar."
Eric frowns, looking as if he wants to question the instruction, but LeRoy is already looking at Quinn again. He reaches for her left wrist and checks her pulse as Eric goes into the house, glancing over his shoulder at the way Rachel still has her arm around Quinn's waist.
Rachel doesn't notice because all her attention is on Quinn. Stupid, stupid, irresponsible Quinn, who goes running without her phone or her inhaler.
LeRoy rests a gentle hand on Quinn's shoulder. "Are you all right to walk inside?" he asks cautiously.
It takes Quinn a moment, but then she nods, and the five of them start to head inside. Quinn's footsteps are a little shaky, but her feet carry her into the house and into the kitchen where Eric is just setting out a single cup of steaming hot coffee on the island.
Quinn and Rachel walk towards it, and both girls give LeRoy a curious look.
"The caffeine helps," he explains slowly. "Just have a few sips. Humour me."
Quinn manages a smile as she slowly extricates herself from Rachel's grasp and reaches for the cup. Her hand is shaking as she lifts it up and, for a second, the entire room grows very, very quiet.
It's just so, so still, and she turns her head to tell Rachel about -
And, then, nothing.
When Quinn next wakes, she's in a bed, her face pressed against something warm. It takes her a moment to realise the 'something warm' is Rachel - Rachel, who's currently threading her fingers through soft, blonde hair and humming to herself - and Quinn immediately bursts into tears.
She buries her face in Rachel's abdomen, lifts her arms to clutch at her waist and just sobs. "I'm sorry," she cries. "I'm so sorry. I - I didn't mean any of it. God, how could you think I ever could. I was - was just surprised at the question. I don't - "
Rachel's hands rub at her back. "Ssh," she soothes. "Just breathe, Quinn. Just breathe."
Quinn hiccups. "Do - do you hate me?"
"Of course not," Rachel says, and she sounds so sure. "I'm just really mad at you, right now. You - you scared me."
Quinn grows still. "What?"
"Quinn, do you even know what happened?"
For a moment, the blonde says nothing. And then she lifts her head, surprised by how heavy it feels. "Umm…"
"What's the last thing you remember?"
Quinn scrunches up her face in thought, and it's honestly the cutest thing Rachel has ever seen. "Umm, coffee…?"
Rachel just sighs, her right hand lifting to guide Quinn's head back down. Her grip around her shoulders tightens, and she fists the blonde's shirt in her free hand. "Please don't ever do that to me again."
Quinn's eyes close. "I - I don't know what I did."
"You went running," she says. "For how long?"
Quinn audibly swallows. She can't actually remember. "A while."
"And you went without your inhaler and without your phone," she says. "You - you couldn't breathe, Quinn. What were you thinking?"
Quinn can't actually recall thinking anything.
"You scared me," Rachel says again, her own eyes closing.
"I'm sorry."
"You passed out."
"I did?"
"You spilt your coffee on Eric."
"Oh."
Rachel breathes out slowly. "Quinn?"
"Hmm?"
"I'm going to ask you something now, and it's probably going to be rather difficult for us both, but I really need you to tell me the truth."
Quinn tenses, but she resists the urge to pull away. In fact, she buries her face in Rachel's abdomen and just breathes, content to lose herself in the brunette's intoxicating scent. "Okay."
"Did - did you dissociate?"
Quinn remains silent, not reacting in any way.
Rachel rushes to continue. "It's just that, last night, after I - when I - " her voice catches. "I don't know. Something happened to you. It was like - like you were caught in a flashback, but also not, and I - God, is it because I slapped you? I'm sorry, I just, you were saying - I couldn't - "
Rachel doesn't have the words, so she just squeezes the blonde as tightly as she can, and asks, "Baby, who hurt you?"
Quinn doesn't speak for long minutes, her eyes clenched shut as she focuses on the steady rise and fall of Rachel's chest. She can hear the other girl breathing, and she uses it to keep her here.
"Quinn," Rachel whispers, and she sounds so worried and broken, and Quinn nuzzles against her sweater. "I love you, you know?" she says, her fingers gentle as they draw circles on Quinn's back. "Nothing you say will ever change that."
"You can't promise me that," Quinn mumbles into the fabric.
"I can," Rachel says. "Watch me. I promise nothing you tell me will change how I feel about you." She waits. "Actually, no, I take that back," she says. "It might make me love you more, so you should be careful."
Tears spring to Quinn's eyes, and she hides her face again, her arms tightening around Rachel. "I'm sorry," she says, but it's muffled. "I don't think any of the things I said. I've never thought them. I was just so caught off guard that you thought I would, and then I - " she falters.
"And then you decided to use it, in a misguided attempt to push me as far away as possible because you think we're getting too serious and you're convinced you're going to ruin my life?" Rachel finishes.
Quinn says nothing.
"You know, for a genius, you're kind of stupid."
Quinn sighs, her breath seeping through the fabric and tickling Rachel's skin.
"Why do you think you're going to ruin my life, and where on earth is this even coming from?" she asks. "I thought we were fine. Did something happen? I don't see how what Declan assumed could have brought this on? Is it the sketches? Are you feeling pressured? It's just that you're so talented, and I want you to have the best chance ever, you know? You could go far, Quinn, and, I mean, if you actually want to be a lawyer then that's fine too, but I don't think you'll be as happy doing that than if you were…" she trails off when Quinn's body starts to shake in what she initially assumes is laughter. "Yeah, yeah," she murmurs; "Laugh it up." She shakes her head. "I know I'm rambling, but you - " she stops abruptly when she realises Quinn is actually crying. "Quinn? No. Baby, what's wrong?"
And, still, Quinn cries, and Rachel lets her.
She just cries and cries, until the sounds eventually stop, and Rachel realises that she's actually fallen asleep. It's sad and heartbreaking and entirely too adorable, and Rachel just holds her. She wraps her in strong arms that offer comfort and warmth.
Rachel can't help wondering when was the last time Quinn actually let herself cry this way. Rachel's always held the belief that, sometimes, a person just needs a good cry.
These tears seem overdue, and hold so much more than what just today might have warranted. It's as if she's cried for everything and nothing at the same time, and Rachel's heart is breaking all over again. She doesn't know if there will ever be a day when a part of her doesn't hurt even a little bit for Quinn.
She closes her own eyes to ward off her own tears, and slips into a sleep that offers her no respite from any of the demons that haunt her - or Quinn.
When Rachel opens her eyes again, Quinn is awake, but she hasn't moved all that much. Now, her head is resting on Rachel's chest, her right ear pressed to Rachel's heart as the fingers of her left hand draw lazy shapes on her sweater-covered abdomen.
There's something so simple, so childish, about the action, and Rachel just allows herself to enjoy it for a moment. The two of them have a series of very difficult conversations coming up, and this moment is something of the calm before the emotional storm.
Breathing a sigh, Rachel finally speaks, the sleep leaving her in an instant. "You didn't leave."
Quinn startles at her voice, looking adorably confused, with her hair in disarray and her eyes squinting as she lifts her head to look at her. "Wha - "
"You didn't leave," Rachel repeats.
"Uh, no, I didn't," she mumbles. "I'm right here."
Rachel shakes her head. "No," she says. "Last night. This morning. You didn't leave."
"No, I didn't," she repeats, frowning as her brain tries to catch up with what Rachel is trying to tell her. "Did you think I did?"
Rachel blinks back tears. "You - you weren't here," she says; "and all your stuff was gone."
Quinn glances around the room. "I tidied up," she says. "The room was only a mess because of you."
"Shut up."
Quinn presses her lips together, just waiting.
Rachel sighs. "You're my girlfriend," she says. "You're my girlfriend, and I love you, so we're going to get through this… whatever it is. This - this is just a… thing. We are going to fight and, because we're the people we are, that's probably going to be a lot." She looks at Quinn's face. "You are mine," she says. "You can fight me all you want, say the worst things imaginable, but you are mine. You don't get to leave, because I'm not going anywhere. Push me away at your peril because, honestly, you know I like a challenge."
Quinn closes her eyes. "I'm not good for you," she whispers.
"Bullshit," Rachel says. "You are the best for me. Don't you see? Can't you tell? God, Quinn, you're saving me every single day, and I love you, I love you so much. You're the most important person in my life right now, and I need you to get rid of those masochistic, dark thoughts and just let me love you."
Quinn stares at her for the longest time. "Do you know you're the first person I've ever told 'I love you' and actually meant it?" she says.
Rachel frowns. "Not even Tori?"
Quinn purses her lips. "I do love her, in some way, but it's never been real. How could it be when what we had never was." She looks away for a moment. "I'm in love with you, Rachel Berry. It feels like nothing else in this world, and it terrifies me. I'm - I'm scared all the time, and I don't want that for you. I want you to - "
"Quinn," she gently interrupts. "Can I tell you something?"
She hums her acknowledgment.
"I want you," Rachel says, shifting so that she's facing Quinn. "I want you. I'm under no illusions that any of this is going to be easy, but I want you, so I'm willing to face all of it, okay? We're going to figure it out. You just - you have to want me too, and the two of us are going to take over the world."
Quinn shakes her head. "You have far too much faith in - "
"You?"
The blonde sighs and drops her head, soaking up Rachel's warmth. "I'm counting down the days until my birthday," she says. "When I'm eighteen, I don't think I'll be as scared as I am now."
"I don't want you to be scared at all," Rachel counters.
"Let me ask you something," Quinn says. "If I were willing to come out tomorrow, would you?"
Rachel can't bring herself to answer the question, and it's enough for both of them. "But, we're not talking about that, are we?" she questions instead. "What are we talking about, Quinn?"
Quinn swallows. "My parents weren't alway so… distant," she says. "They were pretty decent in the beginning. Sometimes, I think they liked to delude themselves into thinking I could replace my sister. Like, if they just did everything right, I would be just like her, just without the entire getting sick and dying part." She closes her eyes. "Sometimes, I wonder why they couldn't just be happy they had another child, you know? Isn't that what normal people want?"
Rachel decides not to mention that Quinn's parents obviously aren't remotely 'normal.'
"I - I think Judy does love me, in her own way, but Russell definitely doesn't. He could never love the person who murdered his child."
Rachel gasps, her hand moving to cover her mouth. "Quinn, don't say that."
"Why not?" the blonde questions. "He did."
Rachel can't contain the whimper she lets out. "Oh, Quinn."
"He's an alcoholic, you know," she says. "I didn't really know what that was when I was little, but I just understood that Daddy got really angry and loud when he drank the brown liquid. He used to shout a lot. He used to say things that didn't make sense to me until I turned seven… until I outlived Frannie. I didn't get why there was so much hate whenever he looked at me when he got like that, as if he wasn't even seeing me. Or, he was, and he wished he were seeing someone else.
"After I found out about my sister, he didn't have to pretend anymore. He didn't have to pretend to love me or care or even acknowledge me. And, as heartbreaking and confusing as it was, it was definitely bound to happen and, after the truth came out, he didn't just get angry and loud; he also got… violent."
Rachel sucks in a sharp breath.
"It was really only for that summer," she says, which sounds like a lie. "But… I deserved it."
And, when it clicks - you deserved it - Rachel's chest clenches so tightly, she can barely breathe. Oh, God. "Because you were bad," Rachel whispers, and she's absolutely horrified.
Quinn nods, looking relieved that Rachel seems to understand. "I could never do anything right," she says, and the words take Rachel back to the first time she saw Quinn's parents the night of the induction service, and she watched Quinn threaten to fall apart for the first time. "I still can't."
Oh, God.
She thinks she deserves it, because she can never do anything right.
"Quinn."
"It got worse with the campaign. It wasn't going well, and he was so stressed, I guess, and I tried to be so good. I didn't do anything wrong, but I was - " she pauses. "Sometimes, I get heartsore when I remember I was sent to boarding school so young, but I actually think it was my mother's way of protecting me without actually having to do anything."
Rachel can't seem to wrap her head around what Quinn is saying. She's just saying words - mortifying, heart wrenching words - and it's as if she doesn't even understand the magnitude of them. It's almost the same thing with her situation with Tori - like, she doesn't even realise how literally messed up everything actually is.
It's her reality, and she doesn't know anything different.
Rachel suddenly feels sick, and it takes all her willpower not to rush to the bathroom to expel the nothing she's eaten today. She's been too stressed and worried about Quinn - for good measure, apparently - and now her girlfriend is practically unravelling before her eyes.
Rachel really doesn't want to hear any more about any of it, so she just clutches Quinn tightly to her and holds on. Even when the blonde squirms, she just hugs her tightly, not letting her go.
Eventually, Quinn just gives in, her body sagging as she relaxes against Rachel. It's quiet for a few moments, and then Quinn whispers, "Nothing has changed, right?"
Rachel can't hold back her silent tears. "Nothing has changed, Quinn," she says. "I love you. I love you so much."
This time, when Quinn falls asleep again, Rachel can't stand to lie there anymore. Her heart is hurting, and she doesn't even know everything. Quinn has told her things without even telling her, and her stomach is churning unpleasantly.
If her father could hurt a kid for - for nothing - then there will be hell to pay if ever he learns that Quinn is gay. It's as simple as that.
Or, as complicated.
Slowly, Rachel reluctantly removes herself from Quinn's grip and gets to her feet. Her muscles complain, and she stretches her arms up in the air. It doesn't help.
Nothing helps.
And, when she leaves the room, she goes straight to the bathroom and dry heaves into the toilet bowl. It's not just that Quinn's story is… alarming and the absolute worst. It is, yes, but there are stories about child abuse all over the world, and it's disgusting and horrifying, but the part that really gets to Rachel is Quinn's opinion on it.
God, she still thinks she deserves it.
Rachel just heaves again, and then spends another fourteen minutes just sitting there, willing her mind not to picture a tiny Quinn Fabray with fear in her eyes.
It doesn't work.
Because the fear is still there.
Eventually, Rachel pulls herself to her feet and goes downstairs after a quick check-in with Quinn - who she may or may not have kissed on the forehead - and heads to the kitchen, which is surprisingly and mercifully empty.
There, alone, she downs two glasses of water and fills one for Quinn. She grabs Advil and two protein bars, and then goes back upstairs.
After setting the items on the night stand beside Quinn's bed, Rachel doesn't know what to do. This is definitely not how she was expecting to spend her Christmas. She hasn't even had the opportunity to wish her family yet.
Breathing a sigh, Rachel bends to kiss Quinn's temple, and then she leaves the room. She goes to her own bedroom for a moment, just to breathe, and then she goes downstairs to find her family. They're spread out between the dining room, den and living room. There's some football game on TV, but nobody seems to be paying attention as her brothers debate something or the other.
It's almost comical the way everyone falls silent when she moves into view and, no, she will not cry. LeRoy reacts first, rising from his armchair and moving towards her to wrap his arms around her.
"Are you okay?" he whispers into her hair.
She shakes her head, even though her face is pressed against his chest.
"What do you need?"
She just hugs him tighter. She has two amazing fathers, and Quinn doesn't even have one half-decent one. It's just not fair, and she doesn't know how to wrap her head around that.
She also can't seem to accept that maybe she isn't helping Quinn at all; that what Quinn needs is beyond her.
So, she just lets LeRoy hug her and tries to soak up some… strength or something from him. She's exhausted and starving and she has no idea what time it is.
Rachel pulls back from him. "Is there any food?" she asks.
LeRoy laughs. "Christmas dinner isn't for another few hours, but I'm sure I could fix you something," he offers kindly, his grip loosening. "Quinn?"
Rachel's eyes sting at the sound of the blonde's name. "She's asleep."
"Still?" he asks, eyes widening in alarm.
"No," she rushes to say. "She woke up, we had a talk, and she went back to sleep."
He still looks worried. "Is - is she okay?"
All Rachel can do is shake her head, but she can't offer any more explanation. She doesn't think Quinn has ever been 'okay,' and that's enough to send her already-swirling emotions into a whirlwind.
"Well," LeRoy says. "Does she like chocolate?"
Rachel frowns because, honestly, she's not really sure. Quinn is so disciplined with what she eats that, even if she does like something, she would deny herself - even getting her to eat her beloved Skittles is a feat.
But it's Christmas, and who doesn't like chocolate?
"She likes hot chocolate," Rachel ends up saying.
"Now I see why you two get along," he teases, which draws a tired smile from Rachel. He kisses the top of her head, and then sends her into the living room while he heads to the kitchen.
Rachel stands perfectly still for a moment, just taking in the many eyes that are watching her. She breathes out slowly, and then crosses the room towards the recliner that's occupied by Hiram. Without asking permission, she crawls into his lap and rests her head against his chest, feeling so much smaller than she really is.
Hiram just rubs her back as he casts a worried look around the room. Everyone knows vaguely what's happened, but the full story evades everyone. There's more to it than Quinn having an asthma attack and eventually passing out. Rachel is far too devastated for that to be it, but nobody is brave enough to ask.
After what feels like a millennium, Rachel sighs, and then asks Daniel, "Were you guys going to play Monopoly?"
Daniel just laughs. "Nobody's brave enough," he says, relaxing somewhat now that he's laying eyes on his sister. When he, Emily-Anne and Lena arrived earlier, there was an… odd atmosphere in the air, but it's easing with Rachel's presence.
"After what happened last year, can you blame them?" Kelsey says. "Honestly, I'm convinced Eric drew blood."
"I did not," the boy argues. "And you totally cheated."
"Did not."
Hiram laughs. "We aren't even playing, and the fighting's already started."
Rachel giggles, shifting slightly to get more comfortable. "I think this is the first Christmas I've actually spent here since I came to live with you," she says, her voice quiet and thoughtful. "I don't even know what you do."
"We're doing it," Daniel says, his arm casually wrapped around Emily-Anne's shoulders. "All the cooking gets done the night before and in the morning, turkey goes in, and then we kind of all just laze about and scrounge until the rest of the family arrives and we have dinner all together, before we open presents."
"What do you usually do with you mom?" Emily-Anne asks her, and Rachel stiffens.
God.
She hasn't even called her mother.
"Uh," she murmurs. "It's New York, so we generally do all those cliched New York things," she says. "Rockefeller, ice-skating, the tree." She rolls her eyes. "She can't cook to save her life, so it's always quite the experience when we attempt to make dinner together."
Hiram guffaws at that. "Shelby in the kitchen? Wow!"
Rachel giggles.
"And with B," Daniel adds, and Rachel shoots him a glare. "What?" he asks innocently. "You're pretty awful in the kitchen as well."
"At least Quinn has some cooking skills," Eric says, and Rachel's eyes snap towards him. "That way, you won't starve."
If Hiram can feel the rapid beating of her heart, he doesn't say anything.
There's something knowing in Eric's voice, and Rachel casts a look around the room. The family in here is relatively immediate, because she can hear Patrick, Declan, Julian and her grandparents in the dining room - probably playing some board game - and the rest are in the den.
If Eric knows, then everyone else must as well.
At least, in this room.
Before anyone can say anything, LeRoy returns with a bowl of soup, a cup of hot chocolate and some toast. Rachel immediately sits up, ignoring her father's protests at her movement - serves him right for having a heart attack - and holds her hands out for the tray LeRoy places in her lap.
"Thank you," she says with a beaming smile.
LeRoy just chuckles softly, kisses the top of her head and then returns to his armchair.
Rachel is quiet as she eats, just listening to the sounds of her family all around her, taking in their voices and their faces. She can't believe she misses out on this every year, and she can't help thinking her father's heart attack could be considered a tiny blessing in disguise.
Minuscule, really.
When she's done, she takes the tray to the kitchen, downs another full glass of water, and then returns to the living room. This time, she bypasses Hiram's lap, and rather settles on the floor by the fire, where Levi is lying on his stomach on the carpet. She lies on her back beside him and looks at his face, unable to stop herself from smiling.
"Hi, you," he murmurs.
Rachel blinks slowly. "You know?" she whispers so only he can hear over the volume of the other voices.
"Yip," he says, an easy smile on his face. There's no judgment, no accusation, not even curiosity. Definitely not like Eric.
Rachel still feels guilty.
"You did call her 'baby,'" he points out.
Her eyes widen. "I did?"
"You totally did."
She can't even remember doing it.
"She was mid-attack, so you can't be blamed for your slip," he assures her. "But I do believe you kissed her forehead as well, and the way you look at her…" his voice trails off. "It's kind of like the way Grandpa looks at Grandma."
She frowns, wondering why he's picked that relationship to which to compare.
"He looks at her as if it hurts," he says.
Her frown deepens.
"You know what he went through to get back to her," he says, bringing up their grandfather's various tours in the army. "Sometimes, he looks at her as if he can hardly believe she's real; as if he still hasn't quite accepted that this is the life he gets to live with her."
Rachel feels the breath leave her body. "And you think I look at Quinn like that?"
"I've seen it," he says, shifting closer. "She looks at you that way too, you know?"
Rachel feels herself blush. "You're not mad?"
His features soften, and her heart swells. This is her brother. She may be the closest to Daniel, but she's always been able to talk to Levi. He was the most incensed by her assault, and she had to acknowledge the almost ruthless quality to him that, honestly, scares her a little.
He's going to be a brilliant lawyer.
"Why would I be mad?" he asks, genuinely curious.
"Because I didn't tell you."
He sticks out his bottom lip for a moment, and then smiles. "I'm not mad, Rach," he assures her. "A little surprised, but not mad."
"Surprised?" she questions. "You know I like girls."
"Not you, Kid."
"Oh."
Levi just smiles. "Does she make you happy?"
"So happy," she automatically says. Even after this truly horrific day, she can't deny just what Quinn means to her. They have so much to work on, sure, but Rachel would rather deal with all of that than spend a single day without her blonde girlfriend.
"Then, of course, I'm not mad."
"But… Eric is?"
Levi's eyes narrow. "Eric's a prick," he says. "Don't pay any attention to him, okay?"
Rachel just nods. "Does - does everyone know?" she asks, her voice cautious.
He shakes his head. "Just Kels, me and Eric," he says. "We're not going to tell anyone, you know? I realise you didn't tell us for some reason."
"Sorry."
"Don't apologise," he says. "Never apologise." He lifts a hand and presses a finger to her nose. "I can't even begin to imagine what it's like for either of you, so you don't get to apologise for any of it, okay?"
Rachel smiles gratefully. "You're my favourite, you know?"
He laughs out loud. "Liar."
She just giggles happily, and then sighs, her head turning so her eyes are on the ceiling. She allows her body to relax, her breathing growing steady. It's going to be okay.
Everything is going to be okay.
It's nearly ninety minutes later when Quinn Fabray makes her appearance.
For whatever reason, Rachel imagines Quinn almost stumbling down the steps, looking flushed with a wild case of bedhead.
But, no.
The Quinn Fabray who emerges from the upstairs is freshly showered, perfectly put together and just looking altogether stunning. She's dressed in her Christmas best, and Rachel's isn't the only jaw that drops.
The blonde is dressed in a pale yellow baby-doll dress with tiny white polka dots, a knitted white cardigan and white Oxford wedges. Her hair is hanging loose, perfectly coiffed, and her white headband has tiny yellow stars on it.
Rachel has to sit on her hands to stop herself from jumping up and rushing towards her to bury her in a hug - or, worse, to dip her into a searing kiss.
Quinn looks a little surprised by all the eyes on her, but she manages to smile, all shy and exquisite and, God, what is this girl trying to do to Rachel?
"Hello," Quinn says to the room, blinking a few times. "I, umm - " she pauses, a little unsure. "I would just like to apologise for… what happened today," she says, her eyes briefly meeting Rachel's. "I didn't mean to worry anyone, and I definitely should have picked a better day to spend half of it asleep."
Daniel lets out a small chuckle, which seems to ease some of the tension in the air.
"How are you feeling?" LeRoy asks, sounding concerned.
"Rested," is all the answer Quinn gives, wringing her fingers together in front of her.
Hiram watches the action, realising she's uncomfortable. "Apologies are unnecessary, Quinn," he says, waving her into the room. "Come, sit, we're just talking about… what are we talking about, again?"
"Your old age," Daniel teases.
Quinn steps further into the room, her eyes scanning for a place to sit. Eventually, she settles on her destination - the floor beside Rachel - but Eric rises to his feet before she can even move.
"Here," he says. "You can take my seat."
Quinn studies him with slightly narrowed eyes, but he looks genuine. She sometimes gets an uneasy feeling around him, but she chooses to ignore it as she accepts the piece of couch beside Emily-Anne and Daniel with a quiet, "thank you."
He just grins at her, and then settles on the floor just to the left of her feet.
Quinn shifts slightly, her knee bumping Emily-Anne's, who smiles warmly at her. "Where's Lena?" she asks softly.
"It turns out that babies like to spend half the day asleep, as well," she answers.
Quinn glares playfully. "Are you calling me a baby?"
"Never."
Quinn just rolls her eyes, and then shifts her gaze to Rachel, who's already watching her. She offers a tentative smile, which widens when Rachel beams right back at her.
'Hot chocolate?' Rachel mouths.
Quinn's eyes grow wide. 'God, yes,' she mouths right back, and then both girls are getting to their feet, practically in sync.
"Is there more soup?" Rachel asks LeRoy.
"In the pot on the stove," he says, trying and failing to suppress his grin.
Rachel just rolls her eyes, and then leads the way into the kitchen, fully aware that Quinn is following entirely too closely behind her. Eyes trail after them, but neither girl seems to care and, once they're sufficiently out of sight, Rachel spins around and immediately draws Quinn into an unexpected kiss.
Quinn stumbles back a step, and then grins against Rachel's lips as her hands find purchase on a perfect waist. Her fingers curl around the fabric of Rachel's sweater, and she tugs her closer.
"I'm so glad you're awake," Rachel murmurs when she pulls back to breathe.
"So you can kiss me?"
Rachel just hugs her tightly. "I missed you."
Quinn sighs, allowing her body to relax into the embrace. "I'm right here."
"I love you."
Quinn pulls back slightly to look at her face. "Still?"
"Of course," she replies easily.
"Good," Quinn murmurs before leaning in to kiss her again; "because I love you too."