A/N: See Chapter 1 for Disclaimer. Sorry guys, but Chapter 6 is just as intense as the last two chapters of this story have been and it's not going to get easier anytime soon, so brace yourselves. (I did warn you guys at the beginning of the story, though.) ((HUGS)) to anyone out there who needs one. Thanks for stopping by and God bless.
Additional Note: Guys, I blew it. In the first version of this chapter that I posted last night, I had Andrew talking with Clarisse in his office the very next morning when I actually FORGOT that I sent Andrew away on a diplomatic trip to Portugal back in Chapter 4 that was supposed to last a few weeks. *Bangs head against wall.* I'm really sorry for my mistake, everyone, and I have corrected it. I need your patience because I'm very sleep-deprived right now. Again, I'm so sorry for my mistake.
Chapter 6: Hindsight
Four weeks later after Andrew returned from Portugal, arrangements were made for Joseph and me to go to Viscount Mabrey's house to visit Mia. It would be the first time we saw our little girl in over six years. And at about ten o'clock in the morning on that very important day, I was standing with Andrew in his office, and naturally, we were discussing Joseph's and my pending visit with Mia that afternoon when one of the guards let Charlotte inside.
"Good morning, Your Royal Highness," Charlotte said to Andrew with a friendly smile. Then in the next moment, she turned her gaze to me and said rather coldly, "Your Majesty."
"Good morning, Charlotte," I said quietly.
"I'm terribly sorry to interrupt, Your Royal Highness, but Lord Thompson wants to speak with you in the Parliament chambers right away," Charlotte informed Andrew.
"I'm coming, Charlotte. Please excuse me, Your Majesty," Andrew said with a kind nod.
"Of course," I responded, and then Andrew left.
The next several moments were terribly uncomfortable for me and probably for Charlotte as well. Over the past few years, there had been a definite shift in our relationship. We were once the best of friends, but now, it appeared that Charlotte absolutely loathed me. For the longest time, I couldn't understand why, but now, I had a pretty good idea why Charlotte's feelings towards me had changed so drastically. And to be painfully honest, I didn't blame her one bit.
After a long, painful silence, I finally looked at Charlotte and said, "Charlotte, I think the time has finally come for you and me to talk. Really talk. There was once a time when you and I really loved and respected each other. But I know that the feelings of love and friendship you once had for me have changed. And now that I know the whole truth about what that snake has done to Mia, I think I understand why. Charlotte, you know about what I've done, don't you? You know how I used my authority as Queen to stop the Genovian press from releasing a story about him years ago. You know that pedophilia and child trafficking was allowed to flourish in this country for years because of me; because I chose to protect that vile snake. And you also know that I am the cause of my granddaughter's suffering. Her great suffering."
Charlotte then looked me right in the eyes and told me point-blank, "Yes, Your Majesty. I know what you've done. I know how you enabled that beast all those years. And I know even better than you do how much Her Majesty, Queen Amelia, has suffered because of your arrogance and your blindness. Your willful blindness."
In that moment, I nodded, and I said, "Oh Charlotte, it's no wonder you hate me so much. I don't blame you. I hate myself."
"I don't hate you, Your Majesty. I've just realized what a fool I was to look up to you the way I once did. I never told you about this, Clarisse, but my father raped me when I was a little girl."
As soon as Charlotte told me that, I felt as though an invisible knife were being plunged into my gut. I then put my hand on her shoulder, and I told her, "I'm sorry, Charlotte. I am so, so sorry."
"My mother died when I was only a year old. The only person I had to turn to for help was my mother's mother, my only surviving grandparent. And when I told her how my father was abusing me, she wouldn't listen to me. She wouldn't hear me. She wouldn't believe me. She wouldn't lift a finger to help me. And when I was twenty and I started working as a palace secretary, I was practically in awe of you. You were so beautiful. So graceful. So poised. So seemingly perfect in everything you ever did. For years, you were my mother figure and my role model. I looked up to you so much. You were everything I'd needed in my mother and grandmother but never had. You filled so many holes in my heart, or at least I thought you did. And when you came back into your granddaughter's life and you didn't even let her know that you were sorry you couldn't be there for almost sixteen years, and you disrespected her and allowed Paolo and others to disrespect her, and you treated her more like a political pawn than a human being, I overlooked it. I told myself that your cold, selfish, snobbish behavior against your only grandchild was understandable given the recent death of your son. But now I realize that your terrible behavior towards Queen Amelia in the beginning was not something that should've been overlooked and swept under the rug; it was a warning sign. A huge warning sign that deep down in your heart of hearts, you were cold and selfish and not one ounce better than my horrible, abuse-enabling, worthless grandmother."
"Yeah, I don't think anybody's going to be giving me any Grandmother of the Year awards anytime soon," I said with a bitter laugh.
"Neither do I," Charlotte agreed.
"You know what they say: hindsight is twenty-twenty. I didn't see it at the time, but now that I look back on it, I am truly ashamed of the way I behaved when I came back into Mia's life. You're absolutely right, Charlotte. Even though it was Helen's and Philippe's decision for Philippe and Rupert and me to not be in Mia's life, I still should have told Mia how sorry I was that I couldn't be there all those years. Those should have been the first words out of my mouth. I should have let Mia know how much I loved her; how much I cared. Instead, I just ran over Mia's feelings, acted like her feelings didn't matter, like she didn't matter, because…"
"Because you just had to have your princess," said Charlotte, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "You had to have your perfect royal heir so that you could remain a queen. Nothing else mattered. No one else mattered. Only you."
"I had to protect Genovia from the von Trokens," I protested.
"Oh, give me a break, Clarisse! You've fooled many other people by giving them the tired old von Trokens excuse, but you're not fooling me. Not anymore. Yes, you may have wanted to protect Genovia from the von Trokens, but be honest. More than anything, you wanted to remain the Queen of Genovia because you liked being above other people. You liked being number one all the time. You liked having people bow and scrape to you. You liked having the whole country get down on its hands and knees to kiss your royal butt because it fed your ego. And you wanted the crown to remain in your family so that you could enjoy the perks of being a Genovian royal every day for the rest of your life."
After a long silence, I finally admitted, "You're right, Charlotte. I did push Mia very hard into becoming our princess and eventually our queen because I didn't want Genovia to wind up in the von Trokens' hands, but you're absolutely right that I did it for very selfish reasons as well. I liked the perks of being a royal. I liked seeing people bow and scrape to me wherever I went. I liked the power and the prestige. I liked my beautiful palace. I liked the wealth. I liked the designer clothes and the expensive jewelry and the tiaras and the crowns. I liked having servants catering to my every whim. I liked it that, with the exception of Rupert, I was always the most important person in the room. As difficult and demanding as it always was being a queen, it was a lifestyle I really liked and had grown accustomed to, and I didn't want to lose it. I guess that's why I had such a strong sense of entitlement where Mia was concerned. I was always used to getting my own way every day of my life, and I had convinced myself that Mia owed it to me to accept her royal title."
"Despite the fact that you weren't there for almost sixteen years. Despite the fact that she'd grown up feeling like her own father had rejected her. Despite the fact that she'd grown up feeling like you cared nothing for her at all. Despite all of that, you were so blind that you actually deluded yourself into believing that your granddaughter owed it to you to give up everything for you. Her home. Her mother. Her friends. Her privacy. Her entire way of life."
"As you said yourself, Charlotte, I was blind. I was blind for a very long time. It's typically young people who are spoiled and have a strong sense of entitlement, but with Mia and me, it was always reversed, and I was always the entitled one. As usual, I was so wrapped up in myself that for all these years, I never once imagined what it all must've been like for Mia. I never even tried to imagine how she must've felt when I suddenly came barging into her life, demanding that she change everything about it at the drop of a hat. Now that I look back on it, it's really no wonder that she got so upset and ran away from the consulate that first day. I probably scared the living daylights out of her."
"Not probably, Your Majesty. Definitely."
"I never meant to frighten her. I just blindly assumed that becoming a princess was every girl's dream. I thought she'd be happy to learn that she was really a princess. I never once took it into consideration that she might actually feel as though Philippe and I didn't care about her. But as I said, hindsight is twenty-twenty. Now that I look back on it today, knowing everything that I know now, I understand. No wonder Mia was so angry at me. No wonder she felt so betrayed. I so wish that I'd known what that snake had done to her. I so wish that I'd known how much she was suffering on the inside. And knowing everything I know today, I so wish that I'd never pushed Mia so hard into becoming our princess and our queen. But no, as usual, all I could see was me, myself, and I. All I could see was Philippe's death and my own pain and my own desires. I never dreamed that Mia might actually be carrying burdens that were just as painful and just as heavy as my own."
"If you'll forgive me for being so blunt, Your Majesty, during that time in yours and your granddaughter's lives, Prince Philippe's death basically served as your get-out-of-jail-free card; it gave you an excuse to walk all over your granddaughter and treat her like she was just a pawn for you to use in your own political agenda and not like a human being worthy of basic consideration. Prince Philippe's death made everyone feel sorry for you, which allowed you to disrespect your granddaughter and get away with it without anyone giving it a second thought.
"And you're absolutely right when you say that at the time, your granddaughter was carrying burdens that were just as painful and just as heavy as your burdens were and that you never saw it. You couldn't have known about Queen Amelia being raped and trafficked, but you absolutely did know that she had to grow up abandoned by her father and her grandparents. Helen's and Prince Philippe's decisions were not yours or King Rupert's responsibility, of course. But you did know that your granddaughter grew up without having one single conversation with her own father, and you should have realized how rejected and unloved that must've made her feel. And you also should've realized that growing up feeling like one of your own parents doesn't love you is a burden that is every bit as horrific as the burden of a parent losing a child. As usual, you were surrounded with support and respect. You had the best grief counselors, and you were surrounded by people who loved you, respected you, and felt immense compassion for you. When it came to how hurt, rejected, abandoned, unloved, and downright disrespected Queen Amelia felt, well, all of that just took a backseat to you getting your princess. Queen Amelia just did. Not. Matter. It was considered by everyone to be perfectly acceptable to just toss her and her needs under the bus; it was considered perfectly acceptable by everyone to completely forget about her and what she was going through so we could all focus on you getting your princess. And it was considered acceptable to do that simply because her age was not as high a number as yours was. Because you were older than Queen Amelia, you mattered and she didn't.
"Even though there are many kids today who are disrespectful, disobedient, spoiled jerks, there are also many kids who are treated as though they don't matter as much as the high and mighty adults in their lives do. Racial prejudice is considered unacceptable in society today. Sexism is considered unacceptable. But the very real prejudice shown against Queen Amelia during that time in your lives because of her youth is a kind of prejudice that is incredibly pervasive throughout the world. Even today, it's still considered acceptable in many homes and families. It certainly was considered acceptable in mine."
Unable to say a word in my own defense, I tearfully nodded, and I looked into Charlotte's eyes and told her, "You're right, Charlotte. When I came back in Mia's life, I did just walk all over her in many ways, and I was so blind that I had no idea what I was really doing. And even though I didn't know about her being trafficked through her childhood, I still knew that she'd had to grow up without her father, and I never once took the time to really think about the repercussions of that like I should have. I treated my granddaughter more like she was an object than a person. To my shame, I must admit that I did act as though Mia was nothing more than a political pawn for me to use because I was so hellbent on stopping the von Trokens from stealing our crown. I didn't treat Mia's feelings with respect and consideration like I probably would have done had she been an adult at the time.
"And as if all of that isn't bad enough, I'm finally beginning to get it through my thick skull just what an amazing granddaughter, what an amazing queen, what an amazing person Mia has always been, and how very much I've taken her for granted through the years. After never hearing a single word from me for almost sixteen years, it was remarkably forgiving and generous of Mia for her to even try to become the Princess of Genovia, and I didn't even see that. All I could do was look down through my nose on her for being human and making mistakes. I remember getting so angry at Mia inside for the 'chicken situation in the throne room' that I know you recall all too well."
"Oh yes," Charlotte agreed.
"All I could think at the time was how frustrated I was that Mia had failed at an important public appearance. But when I think about it now, I remember how Mia went and got my glass of water for me when my throat had started getting dry after a long time of speaking, which was clearly a servant's job, not a task for a princess. And she did it with a big smile, not a word of complaint. I was so irritated at Mia at the time for chasing after that chicken, but again, when I look back on it today, I realize how sweet and humble it was of Mia to try to help the servants catch it. It was true that Mia's mistake had caused there to be a 'chicken situation in the throne room,' but even so, it bears noting that she didn't think she was too good to pitch in and try to help the staff out."
"And speaking of the staff, speaking of the servants, how many royals do you know who actually hide from their own servants to keep from hurting their feelings?" Charlotte pointed out. "It's true, you know. I actually found Her Majesty, not once but several times, hiding from her lady's maids, Brigitte and Brigitta, back when she was a princess, because they were following her around everywhere she went, just driving her up the wall. Any other royal would've reprimanded their servants, but not Queen Amelia. She actually hid from them rather than scold them and hurt their feelings, because she knew they were just trying so hard to be good at their jobs. She knew they just wanted to please her."
"And Mia just wanted to please me. That dear, sweet girl really did put herself through the wringer just to try and make me happy and live up to all my royal expectations of her. After all the trauma and abuse she endured in her childhood, it was more than understandable that she ended up being nervous and clumsy and socially awkward, struggling with low self-esteem. And God knows she never got any help from me. After her father and I abandoned her for nearly sixteen years, she actually attempted to marry a man she did not love at the time so that she could become the Queen of Genovia and make Philippe up in heaven, and me down here on earth, proud of her. How many children and grandchildren would even attempt to do something like for someone who'd abandoned them through their childhood?"
"Not many, especially nowadays," said Charlotte.
"Now that I look back on it, I'm actually astonished at myself that I dared to lecture Mia about higher standards of behavior. I was so arrogant and so blind that I didn't even see what was right in front of my face, that even attempting to enter into an arranged marriage to try and honor the memory of an absentee father and to try and please an absentee grandmother, is a higher standard of behavior, a much higher standard of behavior. I just completely took all of that for granted. I completely took Mia's big, beautiful, generous heart for granted. I acted as though her forgiveness and her putting herself through the wringer continually to try to live up to my royal expectations and make me happy was something that was owed to me. Now, I finally understand. After what Philippe and I did to Mia, Mia never owed either of us anything. And she never will."
"You'll get no argument from me."
"No, I'm the one who owes something, here."
"You owe Queen Amelia an apology for all the times you put your own agenda ahead of her best interests; for all the times you treated her more like she was a political pawn for you to use than like a human being. And you definitely owe her an apology for depriving her of the unconditional love she's desperately needed all these years. After enduring all kinds of abuse through her childhood and after getting abandoned by her father and grandparents, she had to bear the burden of feeling like you stopped loving her every time she made a mistake. And you did usually act like you didn't love her anymore whenever she made a mistake; let's keep it real."
"Well to be perfectly honest, for many years, I had no idea that I gave that impression. But as I've already said, hindsight is twenty-twenty. I didn't see it then, but I sure do see it now. And I would give anything if I could undo it all. If I could go back in time and do it all over again, I would do things so much differently. Back when Mia was fifteen and I first came back into her life, the first words out of my mouth would've been, 'Darling, I'm so sorry I wasn't able to be there all these years.' I would have made absolutely certain that that precious girl knew just how much her father and Rupert and I always loved her and wanted to be in her life. And I would've let her know that the only reason I was so anxious for her to become our princess was not because I saw her as some political pawn for me to use, but because our nation's welfare was at stake. And I would've appreciated her so much more, and I would've treated her with a lot more respect."
It was in that moment that I just broke down crying, and several seconds later, Charlotte kindly wrapped her arms around me and just let me cry it all out. And in the middle of all my crying and sobbing, I looked into Charlotte's eyes, and I told her truthfully, "I'm so sorry, Charlotte. Sorry for everything."
A minute later, we let go of each other, and Charlotte said, "When I found out what you had done…when I found out that you of all people had actually protected and enabled a child trafficker…I wasn't merely angry at you. I was filled with white-hot rage."
"You had every right to feel that way. Every right. You still do have every right to feel that way."
"I know I do. I'm still hurt by what you've done. I'll always be hurt by what you've done. But I know that holding onto all my hurt and anger and resentment and rage won't solve anything. It'll only cause more unnecessary pain for all of us. It's difficult for me, but I do forgive you for what you've done. Not for your sake, but for Queen Amelia's sake. Because when the time comes for you to confess to your part in all of this to her, she might be as enraged at you as I've been all these years. And if you're really serious about bringing her back to the palace to care for her, then you're likely going to need my help to convince her to forgive you and come back."
"Oh Charlotte, I can't even begin to thank you enough," I told her as yet more tears filled my eyes. Charlotte then nodded, and again, she took me into her arms and hugged me while I cried. Charlotte was right, and I knew it. I knew that when I went to see Mia later on that day, I would have to tell her the whole truth about the role I'd played in all her suffering, and I knew that it was entirely possible that she would hate me for what I've done and want nothing to do with me anymore. I had a very hard road ahead of me to walk, and I couldn't walk it alone. I needed Charlotte's help and most importantly, I needed the good Lord's help, and as we hugged that morning, I was so, so grateful that I had both, even though I certainly didn't deserve it.