Chapter Twenty-Seven
Things with Quinn generally aren't awkward.
Rachel has literally had Quinn's nipple in her mouth, so she likes to think they're beyond such things.
And yet, here they find themselves, barely able to look at each other as they sit on Quinn's bed, this emotional and physical distance between them.
"Quinn?" Rachel starts; "baby, please talk to me."
Quinn waits another three minutes and fourteen seconds before she speaks. "I'm not following you to New York," she says, and the start of this conversation is so unexpected that Rachel actually flinches. "I won't," she says. "Our relationship will never survive something like that, because I'll keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, and that's no way for either of us to live."
Rachel isn't sure what to say.
"I love you, Rachel," she says. "I want nothing more than to be with you, today and tomorrow and every day from here on out, but I don't know if - if I can be the person you need me to be." She wrings her fingers together. "We'll never work if you insist on trying to change my mind. People have been manipulating my life since before I was conceived, and I don't need that from my girlfriend, okay?
"So, you need to give up on trying to reunite me and Santana. I don't want it, and I honestly don't care if Santana suddenly does." She says the words as resolutely as she can manage, but it's obvious Rachel still doesn't believe her.
Still, the brunette says, "Okay."
Quinn sighs. "Is this going to be one of those things we just agree to disagree on, then?"
"Maybe that's best," Rachel offers.
Quinn rolls her eyes. "You're lucky I love you so much."
"I am, yes."
Quinn's small smile grows into a full-blown grin, and the awkwardness has dissipated somewhat.
Well, enough for Rachel to reach out and take hold of Quinn's hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. "I'm sorry if you feel as if I pushed," she says. "I probably shouldn't have involved Kurt." She smiles sheepishly. "If it makes you feel better, he did call me insane when I told him, so there's that."
Quinn laughs softly. "Did he, really?"
"Totally," she says; "but I made sure he knew that you call me ridiculous. It's far superior."
"You are such a dork."
"I really am sorry, though," she says. "For the Santana thing, and for not telling you about Eric and his texts." She sighs heavily. "They started after New Year's, and I tried not to think too much about them. I mean, before this Winter Break, the two of us exchanged very little communication, and I reasoned that was just because he was a boy in college who probably thought he was too cool for his kid sister. But, now that I know better, the fact that he's texting at all is alarming.
"I - I didn't tell you about them because I didn't want this to happen. I really didn't think it would be this bad, though. We're fighting, and it's awkward, and I'm certain there's no handbook to help guide us through a situation like this."
"No, there probably isn't," Quinn soberly agrees. "But, I mean, that's why you have me, Rach. To help you deal with all of this, because you're not alone, okay? We're together, and we're supposed to face everything that way, as far as I know." She pauses. "Unless I'm mistaken,"
"You're not," Rachel agrees with a heavy sigh. "I think, because I don't know what to do in this situation, I didn't really want to lump it onto everything else with which we need to deal. Doesn't it just feel as if the list is endless?"
"I don't care about any of that," Quinn says. "You're with me, and I'm with you. We'll deal with what life throws at us together, and that's that, okay?"
Rachel nods numbly. "I don't really know what to do about Eric," she confesses. "I don't think I'll ever really be able to pretend I don't know about his feelings. I mean, I can barely manage it over the phone, so he's bound to figure it out the second we're in the same place again."
"Is - is it something you think you could talk to him about?" Quinn asks. "I mean, it might do you both some good to get it all out in the open, you know? Clear the air, as it were."
"I wouldn't even know where to start," she says. "I don't think I'm ready for that."
"Okay," Quinn says. "There's no pressure for you to do anything. If it's not something you think you're ready to talk to him about, then I'm not going to force you. Nobody is."
Rachel breathes out in relief.
"You don't even have to talk to me about it," Quinn offers. "Just, I don't know, it would be nice to be kept a little in the loop. I don't like being blindsided by things that lead to us fighting the way we did."
Rachel winces. "About that," she murmurs; "I'm sorry about what I said about you not understanding what it's like to have a sibling. I wasn't thinking, Quinn, and I hate that I brought up something that's obviously painful for you."
Quinn shakes her head. "I accept your apology, Rachel," she says; "but you were right."
Rachel sputters, caught off guard. "What?"
"I mean, I really don't get it," she clarifies; "and it's likely I never will. So, I'm going to need you to explain it to me if ever we do get around to discussing it, okay?"
Rachel nods slowly. "Okay, Quinn."
Quinn shifts slightly, allowing them both to take a moment to compose themselves. A lot of this conversation is long overdue, and they still have far too many things to discuss. For the moment, though, all she wants to do is pull Rachel into her lap and just hold her.
Soon.
"Do we need to talk about Noah?" Quinn asks.
Rachel groans. "Am I allowed to say no?"
"Of course."
"But, we do need to talk about that, don't we?"
"I think it'll help."
Rachel takes a breath, almost as if she's gathering herself. "I am so mad at him," she says. "For putting us in this position, and for blindsiding me the way he did. He's - he's been apologising endlessly, but he hasn't said that - " she stops, sighing. "He hasn't specified that he's actually going to do anything."
"What do you want him to do?"
Rachel hesitates for a moment, and then eventually confesses, "I want him to break up with her." She looks caught off guard by her own admission. "I want him to pick me. I want him to make it clear he's not going to see her again, because he's my friend, and he chooses me. I want to know that I'm more important."
Rachel looks distressed now, and Quinn's heart breaks for her.
"Does that make me selfish?" Rachel asks.
"No," Quinn immediately says. "It doesn't."
"Part of me imagines he thinks I should understand, just because he seems to understand that I'm also in a relationship the general society doesn't approve of."
Quinn winces. "Like your mother?"
"Like my mother," she confirms.
Quinn looks thoughtful.
"What?"
"I think you're right," she says. "After you and Daniel left Proof, he said something to that effect, but more about me."
"You?"
"How my family wouldn't understand, but I still choose to be with you," Quinn explains. "I told him that I knew the consequences of my choices, and that I was more than likely to lose people because of it. I warned him that he would have to face the same thing."
Rachel bites her bottom lip. "He has," she says softly. "My family doesn't talk to him, and Tina's been giving him the cold shoulder. As far as I know, Finn is the only one who still talks to him."
Quinn rolls her eyes. "I really don't like that Finn."
"I think he's legitimately scared of you," Rachel says with a giggle. "Baby, you can be terrifying when you really want to be."
"It's a useful talent to have."
"Before we even started out, I always felt safe with you," she says, revealing something she hasn't thought she ever would. "I still do, of course, but it's probably one of the first things that attracted me to you. Or, you to me. Whichever. All I know is I wanted to spend all this time with you, even if all we did was fight, because you've always made me feel secure."
Quinn laughs softly. "Fighting with me gets you hot, huh?"
Rachel can't stop her blush, even if she tries.
Because, Quinn already knows it does. It turns her on in ways she can't really understand or describe. It's also worried her in ways she's discussed with her therapist, because wanting Quinn as much as she does is terrifying.
"It does," Rachel confirms, and then she launches herself at Quinn, because she just can't resist. She loves this girl, and she loves the way Quinn makes her feel.
Especially when they're like this: just the two of them, together, working through life's trials and tribulations.
Rachel wraps her arms around Quinn's shoulders, and the two of them fall back against Quinn's pillows.
Quinn laughs softly, her own arms coming around Rachel's waist as she draws their bodies closer together.
"I love you," Rachel says, and then proceeds to kiss Quinn into what Rachel would call oblivion.
If Quinn would let her, at least.
Rachel frowns when Quinn prematurely ends the kiss. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong," Quinn assures her. "I just - I want to be clear about something."
"What?"
"I won't follow you to New York," Quinn says. "I won't go to New York for you, Rachel, but I can go for myself, and that will make all the difference."
"Okay," Rachel says. "I can live with that."
"You say that now…"
Rachel giggles. "I mean it, Fabray."
Quinn smiles widely at her, and then reaches up to close the space between them, her lips immediately seeking out Rachel's. Quinn kisses her slowly, gently, as if she's afraid of this moment and what it means.
It's a seal of sorts; a promise of forever.
And, when Quinn says, "We have the rest of our lives together," Rachel knows there will never be anybody else for her.
She wouldn't have it any other way.
Rachel eventually texts Eric back over the weekend.
It's simple, succinct and it reveals nothing of her thoughts on the truth she now knows. Quinn sits right beside her when she clicks 'Send,' and the blonde keeps her arm around her long after Eric has replied.
"Do you want me to read them for you?" Quinn offers about Eric's fresh texts, and the reluctance is clear in her voice. Yet, she still offers, and Rachel loves her just that bit more for it.
"No, it's okay," Rachel says, thinking this crazy situation has hurt her girlfriend enough for one lifetime. It must be so weird for her, Rachel muses quietly, as she looks down at her phone's screen.
It's odd, she thinks, how easy it is to placate Eric. She wonders if he's likely to believe what he's desperately trying to. She imagines it would be jarring to make the leap to accepting your (step)sister is aware of your feelings for her.
If Rachel can help both herself and Eric keep hold of this fantasy where none of this is happening, then she's all too willing to do so.
Quinn presses a kiss to her temple. "You okay?"
Rachel closes her eyes in an attempt to soak up this moment. "I think so, yes," she says. "I will be. We will be."
Quinn just hums.
"Thank you for being so understanding about this," she says in a bit of wonder. "I count myself pretty lucky to have you."
"As you should."
Rachel giggles, and then nuzzles Quinn's shoulder, smiling when she feels Quinn drop a kiss to the top of her head. "I missed you this morning," she mumbles into Quinn's sweater.
"I missed you, too," Quinn automatically returns. "I hope you know I would always want to be here with you, instead."
"Instead of scoring hat tricks, you mean to say," Rachel teases lightly. "You should have seen the way Blaine was panicking in Kurt's room when you texted us the score. I think he loses more and more hair with every hat trick you score."
Quinn laughs. "It's his own fault he chose to offer up his first-born."
"Oh, he's definitely regretting it," Rachel confirms with a giggle. "He's normally so calm and composed and, I know this sounds bad, but Kurt and I get way too much satisfaction at seeing him panic."
"That does sound bad," Quinn confirms, earning herself a glare and a pout.
Which she immediately kisses away. They've had an intense few days, and they could probably do with a reprieve.
Like now.
Quinn kisses her with such a reverence, as if she's asking permission for something, and Rachel gives it by nibbling on Quinn's bottom lip.
Quinn lets out a soft moan, her hands immediately finding purchase on Rachel's hips. "C'mere," she murmurs, and softly tugs.
Rachel doesn't need to be told twice as she rises to her feet for a moment, and then straddles Quinn's lap, settling until she's comfortable. Her mouth has barely detached from Quinn's, and her fingers slide into blonde hair with the intention of never letting go.
Rachel shifts her hips enough to force a gasp from Quinn. "I am so in love with you," she whispers against Quinn's lips, and feels the blonde smile.
"You don't need to convince me," she says.
Rachel pulls back slightly. "Do you want me to?" she asks, "I mean, do you want to be having sex?"
Quinn freezes, thoroughly caught off guard by the abrupt questions. "What?"
"I mean, if you were with anyone else, you probably would be, right?"
Quinn blinks a few times, trying to clear the haze in her head. They were literally five seconds away from a steamy make-out session, and now they're talking about this. She needs a moment to gather her thoughts, which is made increasingly difficult by the fact that Rachel is still in her lap.
"What?" Quinn asks, still incoherent.
Rachel kisses her lips once, twice. "You would be having sex if you were dating anyone other than me."
"Uh," Quinn starts; "what?"
"Quinn."
She blinks repeatedly. "I don't know if there's a right way to respond to this," she says. "Do I want to have sex with you? Of course. Am I content with what we're doing right now? Definitely."
"But - "
Quinn shakes her head. "Baby, just listen to me, okay," she says. "It doesn't matter about what I could or couldn't have with someone else, because I don't want anyone other than you. I don't care how long it takes. I don't even care if it never happens."
"You can't say that."
"I can, and I will," Quinn counters. "I just - I want you to have proper experiences, which means that I hope you'll at least try."
"Try," she repeats. "With you?"
"With me," she confirms; "or, with someone else, if - if things don't work out between us. As - as long as you know they'll treat you the way you deserve: the right way and with the utmost respect. It shouldn't be a scary thing, Rach. Wanting me, or wanting someone shouldn't fill you with dread, and that's all I want for you, okay? Happiness and love and kindness and all those lovely things someone as great as you deserves."
Rachel doesn't know what to say to that, so she just kisses Quinn, harder than she ever has before. Her tongue slides into Quinn's mouth without pretence, drawing a delightful moan from her blonde girlfriend. She licks into every crevice on offer, her heart thundering in her chest.
Rachel can't imagine finding anyone better for her than Quinn Fabray, and she intends to prove it to her.
Somehow.
Without taking off her clothes, preferably.
Still, it's what she does when she removes her own shirt, immediately taking hold of Quinn's hands and placing them on her bra-clad breasts. It gives Quinn the silent permission to touch, and it's all the direction Quinn needs.
The second she feels the pressure of Quinn's palms, Rachel moans, low and long. Her hips shift again, and it feels so good.
It's terrifying.
Quinn must sense something in her, because she pulls back slowly, her eyes searching Rachel's face for something, anything. "Are you okay?" she asks.
Rachel can't bring herself to respond verbally, so she just nods, and then kisses Quinn again.
And, really, with Quinn's mouth doing that and her hands right there; Rachel thinks of nothing and nobody else, which is exactly the way it's supposed to be.
While Quinn's schedule is erratic at best - each week can result in a soccer game on a completely different day - Rachel's is set. She's decided to dedicate all her free time and energy to bettering her dancing and her singing, which is definitely going to be needed when she gets to New York.
To NYADA.
Which, if she's being honest, she's not entirely keen on anymore.
Rachel knows it's to do with her mother and Brody. God, she doesn't want to go to the same school as her mother's much younger boyfriend, and have him be in the next class over. It's the number one thing she and Shelby have been fighting about.
She knows her reluctance is adding to what she believes is Shelby's guilt, but it's not Rachel's job to assuage it. Shelby's made her choices, and it's now up to Rachel to make her own, as a result of her mother's.
It's something she still needs to speak to Quinn about, as well.
While NYADA boasts one of the best musical theatre programs in the country, Rachel still has options. She made sure she had them, because she watched Daniel make a mess of his own future by not having a fallback, and then she witnessed Levi struggle with his decision to pursue Law (he worried that it would conflict with his own Christian beliefs, but he's coming to terms with it).
She's not even going to think about Eric's lack of ambition when he was first considering college, or the role she may or may not have unwittingly played.
For a while, Rachel worried about having too many options. She sees it with Quinn, who has the literal world at her feet, and still can't bring herself to make a definitive decision.
Rachel knows it's only going to get worse for her girlfriend, once other colleges start hearing that she's actually talking to Owen now and considering her options.
Options.
Rachel's second choice is NYU's Tisch, which she knows is an equally brilliant program. It's just that NYADA might allow her to hone a specialty more easily, but that's something to worry about in the future.
Then, there's Juilliard. They don't have a musical theatre program, but Rachel applied for her Voice. She was tempted to attempt a double major with Acting, but her mother advised against it.
Rachel thinks she's done taking her mother's advice.
Fighting with Shelby has been exhausting, and hiding her relationship with Quinn is slowly sucking her dry. In the beginning, the novelty of being Quinn's in secret was enough to get them through. Rachel didn't and still doesn't want to deal with the aftermath of her sexuality becoming public knowledge, but she would really like to tell their friends about their romance.
She just wants the important people in their lives to know that she's found the one and that she's happy. Because, she is. It's difficult and they're probably going to be testing each other and their relationship for the rest of their lives, but Rachel wouldn't trade her life with or her love for Quinn for anything.
It's a Monday when Rachel gets a bit of a reality check. It's nothing really monumental, but it does force her to evaluate her life's goals. She wants musical theatre and Broadway and success, and she wants Quinn.
It's the first time she considers she might not be able to have it all.
After rehearsals with the large school choir, the ConChords break off to have their additional practice. They've been preparing for Regionals endlessly, and the excitement of what's to come is catching.
Quinn is going to come to this one.
Like Sectionals, Rachel has a solo.
Just her, centre stage, with her voice and her talent.
Jesse knows, with her, they're a step above the rest, and he's already planning their Nationals' set lists. She's his ticket to the big leagues, and he has to make sure he doesn't mess this up.
Rachel isn't sure how they get to talking about it, but Blaine mentions something about serenading his crush at his workplace, and the conversation spirals from there.
Sexuality versus Success.
"The world is a lot more accepting now," Kurt says, stretching his calves as a few of them stay behind after Jesse dismisses them from practice. It's him, Blaine, Rachel, Jesse, a boy named Jamal Rubin, and another girl named Sunshine Corazon who, until Rachel's arrival, was Jesse's star.
They all reason she'll reclaim the mantle when Rachel graduates in a few months.
"Of who?" Blaine asks. "Gay people?"
"Foreigners?" Sunshine questions.
Kurt purses his lips. "It has to be more accepting."
"It depends," Jesse says, looking up from where he's reading some sheet music. "How much of yourself are you capable of hiding?"
Kurt frowns. "What do you mean?"
Jesse looks between him and Blaine. "You're both gay," he says; "but, realistically, only one of you could really make it in the entertainment business." He looks at Rachel. "Which one would it be?"
She hesitates for a beat, and then says, "Blaine."
Kurt clears his throat. "I'm not setting out to perform beyond high school," he says. "I'm going to be a fashion designer."
Jesse nods. "That's a profession where it's largely socially acceptable to be gay - for a man, at least," he says. "In theatre, it's different, but more accepting than film and television."
Rachel and Blaine exchange a look.
"I was in L.A.," Jesse says. "I went to school there… for a while. It's a whole other world out there, and you're going to have to face reality when you leave these walls. People are unkind, and they don't really want you to succeed, even if they say they do."
He's speaking from experience, they can all tell.
"They make you hide it," Jesse says.
"Hide what?" Jamal asks.
"Who you are," he says. "To fit into this mould they've already determined you belong in. To be exactly what they want." He looks at Blaine. "You'll have to change," he says. "And, you will do it, because they'll ask, and you want the work." He glances at all of them. "They kid you into thinking they want unique and special, but they all want the same, cookie-cutter people."
He sounds so bitter all of a sudden, and Rachel just wants him to stop talking.
He doesn't.
"Your family, your relationships, your appearance, your heritage, your past, your everything will be scrutinised and judged until you just… come home… a failure." He finishes lamely, and then seems to come back to himself, realising that he may or may not have crushed his students' dreams.
They're all staring at him with wide eyes.
Jesse laughs nervously. "But, what do I know?" he asks with a shrug.
A lot, apparently.
Rachel lingers a while, after the rest of the group has filed out of the auditorium. She intends to belt out something, just to ease the anxiety that's threatening to build in her chest.
Of course, she's thought about it all before.
Her trial is public record, which means anyone can find it if they decide to go looking.
Her father was once a famous corporate lawyer, and her mother is a failed almost-Broadway star and now vocal coach to some of the biggest names in the business.
Rachel's father is gay.
Her mother is dating a twenty-year-old.
Rachel's dating a girl, whose family has political power enough to derail everything for which she's worked so hard.
She's dating a girl.
Rachel knows she's not a traditional beauty. She's tanned, short and her nose doesn't exactly fit proportionally with the rest of her face.
The one thing going for her has always been her voice and, until recently, it was enough.
Before the assault, she believed it counted for everything, but it's different now. There are all these new aspects of her life that are going to make reaching success in the 'public' business very difficult.
The world might appear to be more accepting, but it's not. It just hides it better. Before, the lack of acceptance was out in the open, but it's all undercover now.
Well, some of it.
You still get people like Russell Fabray.
The reality of her position hasn't hit her until this moment, and she feels the weight of it settle on her chest. If she becomes as famous as she intends to - she's going to make it on Broadway and become a household name - then every aspect of her life is going to be up for grabs.
Everything will be dissected, analysed.
Judged.
She'll be dragging Quinn into all of it as well, and they aren't going to be able to hide anything once they're out there. Very little is going to be just theirs, and her heart hurts at just the thought.
Can she even ask that of Quinn? Would that be fair to her? Would it be fair to either of them?
Quinn intends to run and hide when the time comes, and any potential fame Rachel garners will put them both in the spotlight.
Rachel lets out a long sigh as she settles at the piano, her fingers automatically lifting to press lightly at the keys. She's not as gifted at the instrument as Quinn is, but she can hold her own enough to accompany her own voice.
Monday is one of her longest days, and Rachel is borderline exhausted. She saw Quinn a few hours ago, but she still misses her. She finds that she always misses her, and there's this cloud of melancholy that follows her in the silence.
Which is why she fills it with music.
She's just finished the last note of her second song when a voice sounds behind her, startling her. "Kurt said I would find you here."
Rachel spins around on the piano bench, her eyes widening for a moment. Then she smiles, almost relieved. "Hey, you," she says.
Quinn's smile grows wider as she approaches, and Rachel automatically reaches out for her. They both accept they're safe and alone, because they both lean in for a chaste kiss.
"I missed you," Quinn says.
Rachel cups her cheek, letting her lips linger. "Missed you, too."
Quinn kisses her once, twice, and then straightens. "What are you doing?" she asks. "You missed dinner."
Rachel frowns, glancing at the time on the wall as she turns back to face the piano.
"Don't worry," Quinn says; "I saved you some."
Rachel tilts her head backwards, silently asking for another kiss, which Quinn happily gives. They linger a while, both of them humming in pleasure.
"You know," Quinn says as she pulls away; "I have so many fantasies involving you and a piano."
Rachel sucks in a breath. "Oh?"
Quinn steps up behind her, hands gently massaging her shoulders before they trail down her chest. Quinn's hands cup her breasts and gently squeeze before dragging over her stomach down to her thighs. As if that's not enough, she presses kisses to a tanned neck, tongue poking out to taste warm skin.
Rachel leans back into her, moaning softly. "Quinn," she breathes.
"So many fantasies," Quinn murmurs, and Rachel is lost. Willingly and wholeheartedly.
"Tell me," Rachel says on the exhale.
"Well," Quinn starts, and she sounds so mischievous; "We sit at the piano and I play while you sing."
Rachel sucks in a breath. "That's it?"
"And then we make out against the keys, my body pressing into yours as we create this harmony, which would probably be more of a cacophony of sound."
"People would hear us."
"Damn."
Rachel giggles softly, and then shifts to the side, silently inviting Quinn to sit beside her. Quinn immediately does, sitting unnecessarily close - not that Rachel is complaining.
"What are we playing?" Rachel asks.
"I don't know," Quinn says. "What do you feel like?"
"Well, Fabray, if you must know, I have compiled a list of songs for us to sing together," she says.
Quinn gives her a look.
"Or, you know, you could surprise me," she says lamely, smiling innocently.
Quinn steals a quick kiss, and then settles her fingers over the keys. She thinks for a moment, trying to decide on a suitable song, and then starts to play A Whole New World from Aladdin.
Rachel smiles when she recognises it, and leans against Quinn as she softly starts to sing. It's one of those songs that can be belted out, but she likes it this way, because it almost invites Quinn to join her, and the two of them sing their very first duet together.
Ooh
I can show you the world
Shining, shimmering, splendid
Tell me, princess, now when did
You last let your heart decide?
I can open your eyes
Take you wonder by wonder
Over, sideways and under
On a magic carpet ride
A whole new world
A new fantastic point of view
No one to tell us no
Or where to go
Or say we're only dreaming
A whole new world
A dazzling place I never knew
But now from way up here
It's crystal clear
That now I'm in a whole new world with you
Unbelievable sights
Indescribable feeling
Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling
Through an endless diamond sky
A whole new world
(Don't you dare close your eyes)
A hundred thousand things to see
(Hold your breath - it gets better)
I'm like a shooting star
I've come so far
I can't go back to where I used to be
A whole new world
With new horizons to pursue
I'll chase them anywhere
There's time to spare
Let me share this whole new world with you
A whole new world
(A whole new world)
A new fantastic point of view
No one to tell us no
Or where to go
Or say we're only dreaming
A whole new world
(Every turn a surprise)
With new horizons to pursue
(Every moment gets better)
I'll chase them anywhere
There's time to spare
Anywhere
There's time to spare
Let me share this whole new world with you
A whole new world
(A whole new world)
That's where we'll be
(Where we will be)
A thrilling chase
A wondrous place
For you and me
As if Rachel could find her girlfriend any more attractive, Quinn has to go and actually be able to sing, her voice mellow and beautiful.
"It's not fair," Rachel concludes when the song has come to an end and Quinn just presses on random keys so softly that they barely make a sound.
"What?"
"You," she says.
"Me?"
She sighs dreamily, dropping her head onto Quinn's shoulder. "How did I get so lucky?" she murmurs. "Sometimes, it just catches me off guard, and I can't even believe it."
"You deserve the world, Rachel, so you have no choice but to believe it," Quinn says in response, one hand coming up to cup Rachel's cheek. "I count myself pretty lucky that I get to be the one to try to give it to you."
Rachel puffs out a breath. "That's exactly what I'm talking about," she says. "How do you always just know what to say?"
"It's a talent," she quips, playfully nibbling at the tip of Rachel's nose. "But, I love you, so it comes really easily to me. I - I like to make you smile. It makes me feel good, and I - "
"Quinn?"
"Hmm?"
"I love you, too."
Quinn meets her gaze. "I can't shake the feeling that something's wrong, though," she says. "Is something wrong?"
Rachel hesitates, which results in Quinn's eyebrows shooting up.
"Baby," Quinn whispers. "Tell me what's wrong."
Rachel sucks in a slow breath. "Nothing is… wrong," she starts. "I've just been thinking… about… the future."
Quinn waits patiently, if not nervously. She's not really sure what to expect from whatever Rachel is trying to allude to. Her mind is capable of coming up with some of the worst scenarios, so she tries to quiet it and pay attention to the girl beside her.
"I love you," Rachel starts. "I love you so much, Quinn, and I know I want to be with you, for now and in the future."
Quinn doesn't even realise she's holding her breath.
"But, do - do you ever wonder about it?"
"About what?"
"What it's going to be like for us in the future."
Quinn audibly swallows. "Baby, you're going to have to be more specific," she says. "What are we talking about here?"
Rachel sighs. "I guess I'm just getting scared of what this means for our future careers."
"This?"
"Our sexuality."
"Oh."
Rachel sucks in a breath. "I don't even think the fact we're gay will be the biggest problem," she says. "It's just, if you add everything together, it kind of…" she trails off.
"It's a lot," Quinn finishes for her. "It's okay to be worried."
"It is?"
Quinn nods. "I'm concerned about it, too," she confesses. "Maybe not to the same levels as you are, but I do worry. About how I'm going to protect you once we're outside in the great big world. About how it's going to be actually to be out. I worry, every second, if my family and where I come from is going to hinder my own career, let alone yours. I constantly think about - "
Rachel kisses her.
She has to, because Quinn is difficult to resist on any day, but she also really needs her to stop talking. Voicing her worries was not what Rachel asked for, but there is a certain comfort to be found in the fact she's seemingly not alone with all these worrying thoughts of the future.
This is really all Rachel needs to hear; nothing more. As long as she's not alone with all these worries; she's sure that she and Quinn can make it through anything. They've survived this long, wading their way through all the world has already thrown at them, but now they have each other, and that means everything to her.
Eventually, Rachel breaks the kiss, smiling softly. "Play another song," she says. "I just - I want to hear you play."
Quinn regards her carefully for a moment, and then nods. She straightens slightly and lifts her hands, immediately starting to play Canon in D by Pachelbel.
"Don't people walk down the aisle to this?" Rachel asks in a whisper, dropping her head onto Quinn's shoulder.
"I believe they do," Quinn whispers back. "Would you?"
"I'm not about to give up on the dream of having Barbra Streisand singing live for me," she says, giggling softly.
Quinn turns her neck to press a soft kiss to the top of Rachel's head. "I'm going to do my best to make it happen," she promises.
"I'm going to hold you to that, Fabray."
Quinn just hums, and then segue-ways into My Heart Will Go On from Titanic. Rachel starts to sing along quietly, resisting the urge to belt out the notes, because she's far too comfortable where she is, just soaking in the music and the warmth of Quinn.
Quinn plays one more song, and then brings slows to a stop, her foot resting on the pedal. "So, how about we get you some supper, and then you can help me procrastinate my English homework?"
Rachel kisses her cheek. "Sure," she says. "Warm it up for me, and I'll meet you in the kitchen."
"Okay," Quinn says, leaning down for another kiss, and then getting to her feet. "Don't take too long, though, because my procrastination time ends strictly at nine o'clock."
Rachel laughs. "You do know you're doing it wrong, right?"
"Semantics," Quinn dismisses with a smile, and then turns on her heel and starts to leave the auditorium.
Rachel just watches her go until she's disappeared, and then lets out a dreamy sigh. She's still thinking quite hard about her worries, and Quinn's worries, as she packs up her things and prepares to leave.
Rachel doesn't know when she notices him, but she does. She doesn't startle or jump in place, but her heart rate does spike because Jesse is just standing there and, from the look on his face, he's seen something Rachel isn't sure she'll be able to tell Quinn he's seen.
Which is just confirmed when he speaks.
"They'll make you hide it," is all he ends up saying.
Rachel clenches her jaw for a moment, a myriad of emotions flashing across her face. She could deny, confirm or just ignore. She could do so many things, but the one thing that comes to mind is this:
"They already do."
And, then, she walks away.
Quinn's next game is a home one against Parker Bowl, which is a game that Rachel wishes never happened. If it could be wiped from time, she'll never be happier.
It starts off… odd, and gets progressively worse from there.
Kurt is tense at her side the entire time, and the two of them are caught between watching the game all unfold or covering their eyes, so they can try to imagine none of it is happening.
When it begins, it's difficult to tell anything is actually wrong. Quinn steps up for the coin toss, wins, and then they all get into position to start the game. It's supposed to be fine. It's a high school soccer game; what's the worst that can happen?
The first tackle isn't terrible. Quinn just looks a little miffed at the fact the defender lunged a little aggressively, but she continues on her way, her eyes constantly on the move as she searches for the right play to get her to the goal.
The second tackle happens in the midfield, and it's regarded as mistimed. Quinn seems to accept it, but Rachel notices the way she casts a curious look at her coach in the dugout. There's just something in the air that isn't quite right, but Rachel can't put her finger on it.
Well, not until around the seventh tackle on Quinn that goes unpunished. It's a terrible one, and Quinn ends up on the grass for a full minute as she nurses a knock to her left ankle. She asks the referee about it when she eventually gets to her feet, and what is said forces a dark look to pass over her normally-easy features when she's playing soccer.
Quinn hobbles to the sidelines and exchanges a few words with her coach, and Rachel can only imagine what they're discussing. Still, Quinn goes back onto the field, and seems to do her best to avoid the tackles that continually come flying in.
"What is happening?" Kurt mutters, his own eyes darting about. "What on earth is happening?"
And, Rachel has absolutely no idea.
It gets worse during the second half, and then infinitely ridiculous when Quinn scores her first goal. It comes from a corner, which she expertly heads, even though it's obvious to everyone but the referee that there was a defender practically hanging off of her.
Quinn doesn't even celebrate. She just retrieves the ball and carries it to the middle before moving to have another word with her coach. Rachel gets the feeling Quinn asks to be substituted, but Parker Bowl equalises moments later, and the only way they can win this game is with Quinn on the pitch and everyone knows it.
So, Parker Bowl are determined to get her off one way or the other, and that may or may not require taking Quinn out the old-fashioned way.
"Why?" Kurt asks nobody in particular. "Just, why?"
There's a particularly high tackle that catches Quinn on the shin, and Rachel hears her cry out all the way from the bleachers, which has her heart in her throat, especially when Quinn stays down, unmoving.
Rachel's entire focus is on her, her breath held and her nails digging into Kurt's forearm. He doesn't seem to mind, which she'll appreciate later, but, God, what are they doing to her girlfriend right now?
And, then, Rachel sees Owen emerge from somewhere and practically storm towards the dugout area. He exchanges words with the coach, and Rachel shifts to the edge of her seat. A moment later, he's yelling something at the referee, but she blatantly ignores him. He shakes his head, clearly frustrated, and then storms away again.
Well, towards where she and Kurt are sitting.
"Kurt," Owen says, and he sounds agitated. "Take out your phone. Film this."
Kurt just blinks, and then scrambles to do exactly that.
"Film Quinn. Film those girls who keep tackling her. Film that fucking referee." He practically growls the words, the sound low and dangerous. "They have to take Quinn off right now," he says gruffly. "They're going to end up breaking her leg if she stays on."
Rachel tenses. "Why? What's going on?"
Owen glances at her. "Didn't Quinn tell you?"
"Tell me what?"
"Russell Fabray just announced he intends to run for president," he says, disgust clouding his features. "His announcement video came out this morning, and it's not… pretty."
Rachel has a moment to wonder why Quinn didn't tell her, but that matters very little in this moment. "And they're, what, taking it out on Quinn?"
Owen jerks a nod. "Sending a message, I suppose. I don't know. People don't particularly like his politics, so it's a wonder how he got into office in the first place." He shakes his head, and then surprises them when he says, "Oh, fuck."
Rachel's eyes snap towards him, and then to Quinn, who's just scored a second goal.
Owen jumps down and rushes towards the dugout again.
"I can't handle this," Rachel finds herself saying. "I can't handle this at all."
Kurt gives her a curious look, his eyes studying her face in a way that makes her a little confused. Eventually, he sighs. "She's going to be okay, you know?"
Rachel tries to smile, even though it's obvious to them both she doesn't particularly believe him.
"She's scored again, so they can take her out now," Kurt says, trying to sound reassuring. "There are thirteen minutes left. I think the rest of the team can hold on for that long."
Rachel almost hates herself for thinking that Quinn won't be able to complete her hat-trick if they take her out now.
But, they can't make the switch, apparently, because the Griffins concede while Quinn's replacement is waiting on the sidelines, and Rachel just wants them to make the substitution anyway. A draw is better than being without their best player for the rest of the season because of some injury, surely.
If Rachel thought the beginning of the game was something to write home about, then the last ten minutes are almost comical.
Almost.
If this were some kind of movie she were watching, she would probably find it a little funny. She can't help thinking about the film She's The Man, for some reason, and that last soccer game draws on all kinds of suspension of disbelief.
This one is, well, similar and different, all at the same time.
Owen heads down to the dugout again, and he looks particularly manic as he tries to convince the coach to make the substitution anyway.
She doesn't, and the tackles continue to come flying in. Quinn does her best to dodge them, hopping over girls that go to ground and staying constantly on the move.
"She's tiring," Kurt murmurs at some point, and Rachel thinks it's the only reason it happens.
Quinn makes a slow run into the midfield, inviting her teammates to fill the spaces ahead of her, and she stays put. Maybe she thinks it's safer, Rachel doesn't know, but she hovers outside the box, just waiting.
From her seat, Rachel can tell Quinn's exhausted. She's been dodging tackles by running left and right, avoiding the attention of the persistent defenders, and she's bent over with her hands on her knees more often than not.
But, then, the ball is played out to her, and Rachel knows exactly what she's going to do before she does it.
Quinn has just enough energy to make the decision, and then she's stepping one, two, and putting her foot right through the ball with all the strength she has left, just as two defenders come running out to close her down.
Quinn doesn't really know what happens next because, as soon as the ball is gone, those two defenders diverge on her, and, well, she screams, the pain that follows overwhelming everything else.
Rachel jumps to her feet, her heart leaping into her throat in the process and her fingers digging painfully into Kurt's shoulder.
Owen turns back to look at them, and then yells, "Did you get that?"
Kurt doesn't know if he's referring to the goal Quinn's just scored or the tackle that's just taken her out, but he still nods and shouts back, "Yes."
Owen looks satisfied for a moment, and then his facial expression shifts to something hard; something dark. Rachel feels a shiver run down and then back up her spine, as Owen turns and runs onto the field.
Towards where Quinn still hasn't moved.