Chapter 22

"I know I can't take one more step towards you

Cause all that's waiting is regret

Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore?

You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live, half alive

And now you want me one more time

Who do you think you are?"

"Bella, what's wrong?" he asked again, sitting motionless, staring at me. The lamp over my bedside table was on, shadowing the right side of his face. After a few seconds staring back, I finally got the nerve to walk to the dresser and find a clean set of pajamas.

"So you're giving me silent treatment now? If I know a thing or two about women, I know that a prolonged silence is always heavy with something bad, usually resentment," he said from behind me. I brushed past him, and went back to bed.

"Goddamn it Bella, what the fuck is wrong? Was it that bad?" he spat. "I think my ego can take it, just say something, anything!"

"Edward, I honestly don't know what to say about it."

"You don't know what to say, but how do you feel about it?" he questioned hoarsely, sitting on the other side of the bed, looking away from me.

"Nothing," I answered flatly.

"What?" he whispered surprised, turning to face me again.

"I didn't feel anything I was supposed to feel."

"Meaning?"

"It was good, but not great," I answered almost angrily, "I just can't detach my body from my feelings. I just feel… drained."

"I question if you were in the same room I was, because that connection I felt? It wasn't just me. You wanted it as desperately as I did, so let me ask you again, what's wrong?" he pressed.

"I don't know. I wanted to feel, I wanted to forget. But now, do you want to know how I feel? Empty… and cheap."

"I haven't been with anyone else since that night in the casino, in Sydney," he stated as if that simple piece of information would make everything instantaneously better.

"It doesn't matter."

As the clock ticked in my head, I waited for him to move, to go away. He didn't. He sat there, unmoving at first, thinking, reeling at my words.

I waited, thinking that at any moment he would just burst. He didn't, but he also didn't give any hint of what was going on inside his head.

So I waited a little longer and exhaled loudly, resting my head back on the fluffy pillows. I wanted to bury my face in there as something I found similar to shame took me over. Instead, I stared at the ceiling.

I felt the mattress shift, and finally looked in his direction again. He lay beside me again, not touching me. I eyed him questioningly, as that moment seemed like the most awkward of my life.

"Rather than just say it, I think my best move at the moment is to show you that I'm not going away. If you want to leave, there is plenty of space elsewhere for you to sleep and I'm pretty sure you can afford a hotel. I'm not going to force you to stay. In the meantime, if you don't mind, I'm kind of exhausted, long day and all, working and with you being difficult…" he paused before adding, "I think I'll have to learn to be patient. Sweet dreams."

That took me by surprise and, unsure of how to act, I ended up closing my eyes and finding some consolation in staying as far away from him as the bed allowed.

His breathing slowed down somewhat, but I knew he wasn't sleeping. I tossed and turned for about fifteen minutes until he eventually gave up pretending to be asleep.

"Could you please just stop? If I knew you could be this annoying I would have brought some chains to tie you down. Now sleep," he commanded.

"Edward, you cause me seriously conflicting feelings," I eventually said when I managed to control my anger.

"At least now you're feeling something," his voice was filled with irony. I didn't reply, not because I couldn't but because I realized I shouldn't. Eventually I began to relax, as my body, even though aware of his presence, became too exhausted and started shutting down. The childish part of me thought he was the one misplaced.

"What are you going to do tomorrow?"

"I thought you were asleep," I answered, even if what I really want to answer was "not you", but I refrained from acting like a brat.

"I'm having lunch with my uncle Thomas," I finally gave away.

"My parents are coming over here. Jasper is going to Madeline's."

"Does he know you did a little test drive way before he did?" I blurted out.

"Does that bother you?" he questioned, as if he were almost glad at the mere thought.

"No."

"You answered to quickly," he accused.

"I'm only afraid I got an STD." To be honest, I actually was afraid of that, since I never usually did anything so imprudent.

"I'm 100% sure I'm clean," he reassured me, "and no."

"No to what?"

"He doesn't know and obviously she's not going to tell. How did you…"

"I've seen the tapes," I interrupted. It was effective, as it quieted him down.

Too soon my alarm clock rang. I had a long day in front of me. My uncle Thomas was waiting for me and so was the aftermath of my showdown with my mom. I turned it off quickly, hoping Edward would stay asleep. He stirred but kept sleeping. I dressed hurriedly and left, closing the bedroom door as softly as possible.

"Good morning," Alice's voice resounded behind me as I was readying myself to walk out the front door.

I turned around slowly and noticed she seemed unsure whether to be amused or worried.

"Don't you want to have some breakfast first?"

"I don't want to be late, Alice. My uncle is waiting for me."

"Ten minutes won't make much difference… unless you're running," she said with a knowledgeable glint in her eyes.

"I'm not up for a walk of shame," I warned.

"You're forcing one upon yourself." She observed me for a few more seconds before asking, "Already dwelling in regret?"

"When am I not?" I forced a smile and waved goodbye.

"Why don't you ask Father Thomas to have lunch with us today? Don't run, Bella."

"There are some private matters I need to discuss with him, besides the fact that I rarely share quality time with my uncle."

"What about Edward? If I knock on your bedroom door, will he be aware of your premature departure?"

"Alice, it's complicated."

"You think I didn't notice that? I try not to meddle, but you're making it hard to stay impartial. No matter his faults, he's my brother. Love changes people."

"He doesn't love me, not even you believe that."

I smiled and left. I was getting good at leaving things and people behind, like every rich person should, I thought ironically.

I called my uncle to let him know I was on my way to More Park. He invited me to attend mass, then said he'd join me for lunch at Henry's. The Park would always be 'Henry's' to me.

The service had already started when I arrived. There weren't many people attending, as I guessed that the Catholic community in the area probably wasn't big. I had never asked Henry why he was Catholic, although I had wondered – I had the preconceived idea that most noble men weren't. So many questions would always remain unanswered… One thing hit me as I sat on the wooden bench; Henry was wrong in some things, especially those concerning Edward.

As my uncle went on…

" 22:10 I was thrown on you from my mother's womb.

You are my God since my mother bore me.

22:11 Don't be far from me, for trouble is near.

For there is none to help.

22:12 Many bulls have surrounded me.

Strong bulls of Bashan have encircled me.

22:13 They open their mouths wide against me,

lions tearing prey and roaring.

22:14 I am poured out like water.

All my bones are out of joint.

My heart is like wax;

it is melted within me.

22:15 My strength is dried up like a potsherd.

My tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth.

You have brought me into the dust of death.

22:16 For dogs have surrounded me.

A company of evildoers have enclosed me.

They have pierced my hands and feet.

22:17 I can count all of my bones.

They look and stare at me.

22:18 They divide my garments among them.

They cast lots for my clothing.

22:19 But don't be far off, Yahweh.

You are my help: hurry to help me.

22:20 Deliver my soul from the sword,

my precious life from the power of the dog.

22:21 Save me from the lion's mouth!

Yes, from the horns of the wild oxen, you have answered me.

22:22 I will declare your name to my brothers.

In the midst of the assembly, I will praise you."

I went to my uncle after he had gently greeted everyone with his kindness and his faith. I never fully comprehended why priests wanted to be priests, giving up the love of a woman, the possibility of having children. But there were so many shades to the same feeling, to love, and I could tell by looking at the way he moved that he was content, even happy with the choice he had made.

He smiled and came to me. Over the last three months he had become my moral compass, my confidante and the closest thing I had to a grandfather.

"Uncle," I greeted softly.

"I'm so glad you came. I missed you."

"I've been in touch, like I promised."

"I know, but it's not the same," he smiled.

"And when will you be coming to visit me?" I asked.

We rode in the same car to More Park, making small talk all the way. Lunch was served promptly and we continued to broach only safe subjects until we were alone.

"I would ask you to take a walk outside, but it seems like the weather has other plans for us."

"It's always raining here," I agreed. "Why don't we have coffee in the orangery? It's my favorite place in this house."

We walked together and closed the door behind us. It was as lovely as I remembered. The bright colored flowers in the garden contrasted beautifully against the gray sky we could see through the glass above.

"I haven't heard from your mother since yesterday," he began.

"That's because she went back to Miami."

"Willingly?" he inquired.

"No, not really, but comfortably settled, yes."

My uncle's unease was evident as he stared at me. The priest and the man were conflicted.

"I gave her money, not the amount she wanted, but a generous amount, to keep her quiet. She tried to sell a very sordid story about me to a famous English newspaper."

"Dear Lord, that's even worse than I feared," he said, shocked.

"I also turned her blackmail back at her. I've confessed, but I'm not sure I'll find forgiveness for that, or for the rest of what I done in the last 24 hours."

"What do you mean?" he asked, puzzled.

"I forced her to accept five million dollars to stay away from me."

He pondered that for a while, clearly surprised. There was a hint of disgust in his tone when he finally spoke. "Maybe that wasn't the best way to deal with the problem… she is a troubled woman, though. I have to admit that the few days I spent with her were a rollercoaster. She was either extremely nice or terribly annoying, the most outstanding trait was being manipulative, I'd say. Do you regret how you handled the situation?"

"Yes."

"So that's all there is to it. You have a good heart, you'll make it right."

"The problem is I'm not sure I want to deal with the consequences of making it right…"

"No one ever does, that's why it's not easy."

He held my hand then and squeezed it reassuringly, giving me a warm smile that I probably didn't deserve. We made some plans to spend Easter together. "My dad, Emmett and Rosalie agreed to come," I said, smiling.

"And maybe your mother would come too, who knows?"

"I'm not making any promises for that."

He smiled because he knew it was enough to plant a seed in me.

"You're much like your grandmother," Uncle Thomas said approvingly.

I called Alice right before boarding the plane to let her know I was going back home. She wished me a safe flight, but didn't say much. She was a little mad at me, as I had become someone who openly left her brother the morning after.

Flashes of the previous night overtook me every time I closed my eyes to sleep. I shifted in my seat, trying to read some articles, as I realized I could not sleep.

"Is everything alright, Dr. Swan?" Phillip, who was new to the security team, asked.

"I'm fine, it's probably just jet lag taking over."

He nodded politely.

I landed in the morning and went directly to the hospital, as I had to start at 8. I quickly assessed if I had any new patients, and spoke to the nurses to check for news.

"Victor died Saturday," Marceline said. "It was for the best."

"Oh dear Lord," I sobbed. "We didn't know for sure what he had. He had a renal mass…"

"But the biopsy was inconclusive. Dr. Swan?"

"What?"

"Patients die."

"I know."

"Sometimes you tend to forget."

Monday was always a difficult day at work, so I only managed to grab a bite and check my messages at 4 p.m. Angela and some other colleagues were waiting for me in the cafeteria. I had three text messages from Greta and five missed calls from an unknown number.

As I sat and placed my tray on the table, everyone stopped talking.

"What?" I asked, a little miffed.

"Nothing," Eric said, standing up. "I'll see you guys around."

Everyone disappeared in less than five minutes. Angela was staring at her Coke like it was the most fascinating piece of art on the planet.

"Angela, what's the matter?"

"Rumor has it that Mike Newton and Jessica are getting married this summer…" she said, hesitant.

I burst out laughing. Of all the silly things! They were worried about my non-existent feelings for Mike.

"Angela, I'm okay with it… I wish them happiness."

"You're really okay with it?" she asked, and I nodded in response. After a long sigh of relief she laughed as well.

"Good thing, though. I never really liked the guy. Anyway, how was your weekend?"

"Ange, would you mind if I go up and finish some reports?"

"That good?" she joked.

"You have no idea…" I groaned as I sat up and headed to the elevator. It took me a couple of hours to finish up some paperwork. Matthew was already waiting for me outside, after double-checking the perimeter, and we went home without any incidents.

My phone rang as soon as I got home. I picked it up without checking the caller i.d., assuming it was Greta.

"Hello?"

No one replied.

"Hello?" I insisted.

"Hi," a male voice echoed in my ears.

"Edward?" I asked, surprised. He had called but he seemed lost for words.

"I thought of a million things to say to you, some insulting, but now that you actually picked up your phone I'm kind of at a loss here. I was giving up hope that you'd actually pick it up."

"I worked all day; I didn't check my phone for messages… I forgot I silenced it. I'm sorry. I would have called you back," I stated defensively.

"I can't sleep," he made it sound like a confession.

"Are you still at Alice's?"

"No. I'm at home." I had no idea where that was. "Where are you?" he asked after a few seconds.

"I just got home from work."

"You must be tired, were you able to sleep on the plane?" he asked with concern.

"Yes, for a while." No, I was thinking of you, would sound more truthful though.

"Why did you run away?"

I didn't answer.

"I know we shouldn't be talking about this over the phone, but you're not here," he scolded.

"I really had to come home."

"No, you really had to leave."

"Why can't you sleep?"

"Because, at the moment, I'm experiencing severely conflicting feelings towards you," he said evenly.

"I'm sorry," was all I managed to say.

"Why are you sorry?" he asked, surprised.

"For pushing you…"

"Away?"

"Yes."

I could feel he was smiling at my answer. Honesty wasn't a given between us. And the thought scared me, because there was no 'us.'

"So are you going to let me take you out on a proper date now? I think we're beyond the formalities…"

"I believe we agreed upon going to Barcelona in a few weeks," I tried to say coolly.

"That doesn't count because I had to pay for that date…"

"You want me to pay for our next date?" I asked, dumbfounded.

"I won't object to it if it means that you're actually considering it."

That really took me by surprise. After I had snuck out on him I had assumed this thing, for lack of a better word, we had would stop.

"You're not angry at me?"

"Not angry, no. I've been furious for the last two days. And you know what? I realized I was furious because I actually cared. Don't you care, not even a little bit?"

Admitting I did was something I had been trying to avoid.

"I've been trying really hard not to…" I acknowledged.

"Have you talked to Alice?" I inquired to divert him from a subject that was making me uncomfortable.

"I haven't and I won't. I explained to you why I did what I did and I cannot and will not go back now. Let Jasper get married and settled…"

"Edward, we are both aware of how they feel about one another, and trust me when I say that I hate to admit this since I'm not particularly fond of him."

"She's better now, you've seen her with Seth," he argued.

"What if she remembers it spontaneously?"

"You don't have a way to know. Besides, we shouldn't be talking about this over the phone."

"I made a promise I have every intention of keeping."

"No matter the cost?"

"Please, just talk to her. She'll be sensible about it."

"What if she doesn't want to know? Has it occurred to you that she might have blocked that night from her memory because it was just too much to bear?"

"That's cheap psychology."

"But has she told you about it? Did she specifically tell you she wanted or needed to know? Tell me!"

"No, but…"

"You're making your decisions based solely on Henry More's opinions," he cut me off. "He knew nothing. I didn't owe him an explanation any more that I owed one to you! Yet even though you know more than anyone, and I explained everything to you, you keep pushing!"

"She's my friend, and I'm lying to her! I've been lying to her for months! She has the right to know!"

"She has the right to be happy! And it's in our power to make it happen."

"You're trying to manipulate me!" I accused.

"You infuriating, meddling woman!" he half yelled.

"This point is moot; we obviously have different opinions on the matter."

"If Alice were your sister, wouldn't you have done anything in your power to make it right, to protect her? That's what I did."

In some twisted way, I felt he really had tried to do the right thing. But this discussion was redundant and we were going around in circles. He must have realized that I was thinking about his words because he didn't push it any further.

"So I'll see you on Saturday?" he asked after a long silence.

"What's on Saturday?"

"The MorePharm meeting in London? The one where the final results of newly developed molecules are presented and we decide which ones we should invest in and proceed to further investigation, namely on humans?"

"I have a night shift that weekend; I'm not going to make it. I've told Greta about this, she's going to represent me."

"Right, because it's her company?" he huffed, annoyed. "Do you have any idea of what's going on behind your back?"

"What do you mean?"

"This isn't like running a little kiosk, it's demanding and the people who work here are ruthless. They'll eat you alive if you let them. Step up, get wise!"

"What are you insinuating? I have qualified people helping me."

"They're not helping, they're managing everything for you! At least have the good sense to bring Professor Walker with you."

"You know about that?" I asked, dumbfounded.

"I know everything there is to know about my investments. That was probably the only wise decision Henry More made when it comes to your guidance."

"So you approve of Professor Walker as my tutor?"

"He's great, in theory. He's never actually worked in the big, bad corporate world, but he does know a lot about it, and he can be trusted. You aren't surrounded by enough people like him."

"What do you mean?"

"This isn't something to be discussed over the phone. Be there on Saturday. It's vital for the company to at least appear to have a solid management."

"Thanks a lot," I said bitterly.

"You will thank me, trust me."

"Why are you doing this?" I asked him earnestly. I thought he would be the first to want to see me crash and burn. But another nagging thought came into mind; what if he had some secret agenda I didn't know of?

"First of all, a part, although small, of that company belongs to me and I want to protect my investments. If you fail, I'd probably lose a lot of money, so I'm being practical. Secondly, for some reason that is eluding me at the moment considering your recent past behavior, in case you haven't noticed, I actually have feelings for you."

"You did a damn good job of hiding them for the last three months, haven't you?"

"I'm only guilty of having a little pride. I don't go around and chase insecure women that clearly are hiding behind some misguided call."

"So why are you doing that now?" I asked angrily. He didn't respond and for a moment I thought he had hung up.

"Well, at the present moment, I'm not sure why. Just be there," he demanded, and at that, he really ended the call.

He has feelings for me? That thought nagged me all week. I had to work some extra shifts in order to secure a free weekend. Professor Walker was disappointed in me, since I cancelled all our classes.

"You're not putting your heart into it," he stated around Wednesday. I always disliked math, even though somehow I had kept my grades up in the past, it didn't come as naturally to me as some other areas. Economics was the worse… even the basic concepts seemed too foreign to me. Sometimes Professor Walker looked at me bewildered, probably wondering how I got through med school. But the thing is, even though I've always been a fast learner, I constantly fell asleep after my classes, not leaving much time to study. After working 80 hours, two night shifts, and a clinical presentation on Friday, night and day merged somehow and by the end of the week I was completely disoriented, especially in time. To ground me, there were a few text messages during the week that I wasn't sure how to feel about:

Five days till Saturday.

Four day till Saturday.

Three days till Saturday.

Is it Saturday yet? No. Two days till Saturday. E.

Thursday at noon, I was typing furiously on my lunch hour, trying to finish some last details for my power point presentation, when everyone gathered around me.

"Hey Bella," Eric greeted. "What are you doing?"

"Finishing tomorrow´s presentation."

"You're screwed; you know the chief likes to go through our presentations at least a week before we make them."

"I really didn't have the time to finish this before."

"You didn't have the time?" Eric asked skeptically. "Good luck explaining that."

"Some people have lives outside this hospital, you know?" Angela defended me, sensing my discomfort.

"Oh really? And what's more important than this? If your growth as a doctor isn't the most important thing in your life, then you shouldn't be here," he sneered, then stood up and walked away.

"How's it going?" Angela inquired, concerned. She was the one covering for me that weekend.

"He's right, you know. What the hell am I doing here?"

I pressed my head against the table and felt the urge to pull my hair out.

"You're exhausted, we all are and we don't have half the shit going on in our lives right now that you do," she said soothingly. "Are you finished?"

"Almost."

"Run into the chief's office right now and show him the damn presentation. It's a great case, you'll be great tomorrow."

"I can't, I still have some things to do…"

"What?"

"The lab results of Mrs. M aren't ready yet. Her blood pH and potassium were fine, she has good diuresis but I still have to see the urea and creatine results."

"You didn't start dialysis?"

"No, I decided to try to give her kidneys a shot," I smiled. "She got better after proper hydration."

"I'll check it out and take care of that for you, now go!"

"Thanks, I owe you!"

I ran into the chief's office, and after a little slap on the wrist, he made some corrections and pointed out some questions to be expected the following day.

Eventually I got home. Greta came to meet me, as I needed to sign some papers that had been piling up. We managed to get some work done over dinner.

"I should prohibit you from working while you eat, it's not healthy. You've lost weight," she scolded.

"I had a really stressful week, Greta."

I went over some papers, trying to pay as much attention as possible, failing miserably at it.

"There's something here you should give some special attention."

She put the draft of the settlement between me and my mother in front of me. If that wasn't disturbing enough, the name of the lawyer who drafted it did the trick: James More.

"Why was this contract drafted by James More?" I asked, puzzled.

"Oh," Greta seemed taken aback. "He's a lawyer that works for More Enterprises…" Somehow it seemed she was trying to brush it off.

"I know, he's a junior, right?" I pressed a little harshly.

"I didn't think age mattered to you, considering you're very young as well," she defended. "He's excellent and I can assure you that contract is solid and that you won't be able to find a problem with it. He's your cousin," she added.

"This is personal and the company's lawyers should not be involved in any personal matters, especially not a cousin!" I nearly spat. "I want Dr. Green to go through this."

"But Bella, that'll delay everything. I can assure you…"

"It's not your assurance I want. Get me Dr. Green, he's my personal lawyer. And then I need you to explain to me how the hell this guy ended up working so closely to me without my knowledge!" I demanded ferociously.

Greta stared at me with wide eyes, since she had never heard such an outburst from me. I felt compelled to apologize instantly but then Edward's words came into mind. This was something I should have been consulted on; it was important and personal – I felt betrayed.

I had an uneasy feeling about this James.

"I hope everything is settled for the meeting."

"What meeting?"

"Don't we have a meeting on Saturday in London?" I played dumb.

"Yes, but since you have a night shift… I thought you couldn't make it. Did I make a mistake on your agenda?" she asked with concern.

"No, you haven't," I said nonchalantly. "What is this meeting all about?" Again, I played innocent.

"It's nothing too important; I believe it's just lunch with some investigators." It was more than that.

"You're going?"

"But of course, Bella," she smiled warmly.

"You know, I traded my shift… so I was thinking maybe I should attend this one…" I smiled.

"Really? Great, I'll make the arrangements." Was I imagining things, or did she seem too excited at the prospect?

"Please, do. Professor Walker is going too."

"What? I don't think that's wise…" she countered.

"Professor Walker is going too," I repeated with the tone of voice I used with the kids when I was on my pediatrics rotation – the smooth voice that ordered 'do as you're told'. "Tell him to bring his wife, I miss her. We'll be staying at More Park."

And with that, I went back to the papers before me. By that time I'd had coffee and was more alert than ever. I was allowing too many things to slide by without my notice. That unsettled me.

The presentation went well enough. It wasn't my best work so far, but I wasn't crucified, so overall it went well. Eric tried to trick me with some questions, arguing some of my decisions concerning the patient whose clinical case I presented. Why didn't you do this or that… I answered calmly, and most of the seniors stood by me and approved my approach to the case and how I had managed that patient's treatment. Someone questioned if I should invest so much in an HIV patient with a pericardial lymphoma that presented itself with cardiac tamponade. It made sense to treat the pericardial effusion but not the lymphoma. I nearly laughed at him.

"If you don't treat the underlying cause, you'll never be able to treat the effusion. We drained 11 liters of fluid in 10 days, we had to start chemo!"

"What happened to this patient?" Eric asked smugly. He thought the patient had died.

"He's doing chemo once every three weeks and he actually went back to work. He was discharged three months ago. He has great CD4 counts, HIV viral charge is undetectable. He's doing his medication; everything seems to be under control now."

He tried to argue further, but to no avail. Eric lost himself in the cost-effectiveness of everything, so he would probably find himself giving up on his patients too soon. That day, even though I was angry at him, the predominant feeling I had towards him was pity.

"So, where to, fair lady?" Matthew asked.

"As if you don't already know… Where have you been? I haven't seen you all week!" I had missed him.

"I've been around…" he chuckled. "I bet you wanted to have that taser we offered you over Christmas in your pocket today."

"What? Why?" I asked, intrigued.

"That Eric guy… just say the word…" Matthew said, only half-teasingly.

"Were you at my presentation?"

He ignored my question and answered simply, "Don't worry, we've got your back. We're always around," he stated, winking through the rearview mirror.

I grabbed my phone and texted: One day till Saturday, Bella.

A couple of minutes later my phone rang.

"Are you coming tomorrow?" a hoarse voice demanded.

"I'm on my way to the airport."

"It's nice to see you came to your senses," he said sleepily.

"I wonder why I didn't get a text message today…" Until that moment I really hadn't realized I had been looking forward to it. No, no, no…

"Because you didn't reply to any, at least not until today. Have a safe flight. I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yes, and I'm sorry if I woke you up."

"I'm glad you did."

After that admission, a great period of silence followed, where neither of us knew what to say next.

"Sweet dreams."

"Thank you."

He disconnected. And not once had I thought about questioning him about Alice or some other thing. He was getting to me and I was screaming inside – focus, Bella, focus! Every rational fiber in my body compelled me to hold on to every reason I had to distrust him, but to tell you the truth, the only thing that worked to keep him at bay was invoking the image of Tanya on her knees servicing him, four months before in Sydney. The thought that it was the only thing that really worked scared me, because it made me realize that I was probably jealous, and if I was jealous… no, let's not go down that road.

And that brought me to the question: why did I have sex with Edward? Or, why didn't I enjoy sex with Edward? Well, it's not like I didn't but… did I?

It was going to be a long flight.

AN:

Hello! So after that last "bombastic" chapter you have here a little bit of how's Bella's quotidian. I know some of you are missing Emmett and he's going to show up next chapter and try to cope with the complete rupture of Bella and Renée's relationship.

So what should Bella do about Alice?

I'm currently on vacation (in Sydney, Australia – let's have a schooner?), let's cross fingers that'll actually make me write faster.

As always, to everyone who's still reading this, thank you!

Take care,

Nofrure.