[excuse the fuck out of me. Would've been my instinctual reaction but alas Gen somehow has more decorum than me…most of the time]
It feels like I've just been punched in the gut. What does he mean we're all infected?
I glance around at everyone and it seems similar thoughts are flowing through everyone's minds.
"What?" Daryl asks
"At the C.D.C., Jenner told me. Whatever it is, we all carry it." Rick says looking down at the road
"And you never said anything?" Carol asks
"Would it have made a difference?" Rick asks in return
"You knew this whole time?" Glenn asks
"How could I have known for sure? You saw how crazy that mo- "
"That isn't your call" Glenn cuts off whatever Rick was going to say
"Okay, when I found out about the walkers in the barn, I told, for the good of everyone." Glenn continues
"Well, I thought it best that people didn't know" Rick snaps lowly turning and making eye contact with every single one of us before walking off from the group
Lori nudges Carl towards Herschel before following after Rick
I watch as she grabs his arm and leans into his shoulder for a moment before jerking away from him and I come to a decision
"Daryl?" I ask already taking Anneliese out of her sling
"Hm?" He asks turning to me
"Watch them for a sec?"
"Yeah? Where ya going?" He asks taking the still sleeping baby from me
"With those two. Won't be long. Penny Jackson do as Daryl says" I instruct making eye contact with both of them before jogging to where Lori and Rick are standing
"I had- I had no choice. I gave him every chance and he kept leading me further out" Rick says and neither of them acknowledge me standing behind them
"He pushed me, and I let him. And after a while, I knew – I knew what he was doing, what he was up to. And I kept going. I didn't stop. I could have, but…I just wanted it over. Dogging me every step of the way. Acting like I stole you and Carl – guess I kinda did in his eyes" he says with a laugh
"I just wanted it over. I wanted him dead…I killed him. He turned. That's how I knew Jenner-Jenner was right." He says bowing his head before lifting it to stare into the waterfall nearby
"Carl put him down" and oh, oh that poor child I think as Lori bends at the waist swaying and letting loose a sob
She jerks back, hitting him in the arm when Rick goes to touch her shoulder, so I reach out for her instead
"Lori" I say to get her attention and she blearily focuses on me "Go back to Carl" I urge her and after a moment she nods shakily, almost stumbling away. I watch her get most of the way back before turning to Rick who is also staring after her
"Rick?" I prompt lowly and his eyes fly to mine. His eyes, that are filled with pain.
"It's gonna be okay" I tell him, and he nods
"Whatever your reasons for keeping it a secret. It will be okay" I urge, and he lets out a breath that sounds like a sob looking down at the ground
"We will be okay" I tell him stepping up to him and grasping his arms and he just crumples
He practically folds over me, hands grasping my shirt at my back as he wraps his arms around me and sobs
By the time it's completely dark everyone is well and truly cold and hungry. Rick has perched himself on a stone wall facing one direction while T-Dog stands on the one opposite of him.
Beth is dosing on Herschel while Maggie and Glenn huddle together. Carl has acquired the sweater that was in my bookbag and is curled up against Lori. I'm down to just a tank top and sports bra as the children have acquired my jacket. Jack and Penny are sharing it, squished together for warmth. I've swaddled Anneliese in 2 blankets, secured her in the sling against my chest and covered her with a third to keep any breeze from reaching her.
Carol sits a few feet away and Daryl has just gotten back with more branches to add to the fire, when Carol turns towards him and starts to whisper, although she's not quite quiet enough for me not to hear
"We're not safe with him – keeping something like that from us. Why do you need him? He's just gonna pull you down" She says
"Nah. Rick's done all right by me" he tells her
"You're his henchman and I'm a burden. You deserve better" she says. I can't see Daryl's face from here, but I know I'm looking at her like she's lost it
"What do you want?" Daryl asks her
"A man of honor" she answers
"Rick has honor." Daryl defends throwing another branch into the fire
"I think we should take our chances" Maggie speaks up
"Don't be foolish" Herschel says "There's no food, no fuel, no ammo" he continues getting cut off by a rustle of leaves nearby
"What was that?" Beth asks sitting up
"Could be anything" Daryl answers rising to his feet "Could be a raccoon, could be a possum"
"Walker" Glenn adds oh so helpfully as everyone but me, Lori and the kids also rise to their feet
"We need to leave. What are we waiting for?" Carol says somewhat hysterically
"Which way?" Glenn asks
"It came from over there" Maggie says
"Back from where we came?" Beth asks
"Yeah"
"The last thing we need is for everyone to be running off in the dark. We don't have the vehicles. No ones traveling on foot" Rick says right before a branch snaps somewhere nearby
"Don't panic" Herschel says
"I'm not – I'm not sitting here waiting for another herd to blow through. We need to move, now." Maggie demands
"No one is going anywhere." Rick says
"Do something" Carol says
"I am doing something! I am keeping this group together, alive! I've been doing that all along, no matter what. I didn't ask for this. I killed my best friend for you people, for Christ's sake!" Rick snaps
"You saw what he was like, how he pushed me, how he compromised us, how he threatened us. He staged the whole Randall thing, led me out to put a bullet in my back" this last part he says looking directly at Lori who is refusing to look at him
"He gave me no choice. He was my friend, but he came after me" Rick snaps and Carl starts crying
"My hands are clean" he defends
"That's enough Rick." I speak up
"It is enough. Maybe you people are better off without me. Go ahead. I say there's a place for us, but maybe – maybe it's just another pipe dream. Maybe I'm fooling myself again. Why don't you go and find out yourself? Send me a postcard. Go on, there's the door. You can do better? Let's see how far you get." He snaps and everyone glances around uncertainly, waiting for someone else to move first
"No takers? Fine. But get one thing straight, you're staying, this isn't a democracy anymore." Everyone looks mad and tense at his words, but no one says anything so after a moment he walks off back to where he was on the wall
Slowly everyone settles back down, Carl and Lori scooting a little closer to us for more warmth and eventually Daryl sits down on my other side, between me and Carol, after walking the perimeter a few times.
"You cold?" he asks after I shiver
"Little bit, I'll be okay" I whisper back
"Nah, here" he says shrugging out of his jacket
"Daryl, no you'll get cold"
"I got a flannel on. Take it"
"if you're sure"
"Gen"
"Okay, okay thank you" I tell him taking the jacket from his hands and shrugging it on
Eventually the kids fall asleep all cuddled together and at one point I dose off as well only to wake up when Anneliese starts shifting. Its only as I'm sitting up straighter against the log behind me to get her out of the sling, do I realize that I was sleeping against Daryl's shoulder. As I turn to grab the diaper bag on the other side of the log, I meet his eyes and it looks like he just woke up as well
"You okay?" he whispers as to not wake anybody
"Baby's awake" I whisper back
I make quick work of changing Anneliese before re-swaddling her and trying to warm the water for her bottle next to the fire. It's just barely above chilly when I give it to her to keep her very slight whines from turning into cries.
I lean back to get comfortable with her before realizing I want her third blanket to cover her and try to reach it without moving too much. Unfortunately, my arm is just a little to short and just as I'm about to lean forward again Daryl grabs it and hands it to me.
"Thanks" I whisper, and he grunts before standing
"Goin to see if Rick will swap out with me" he says when I look up at him with my eyebrows furrowed in question
He's not even gone a minute before he's sitting back down
"He don't want to?" I ask
"Says he won't be able to sleep so he's better use keepin watch" he says, and I sigh cause that's a fight no one wants to have after earlier
As soon as Anneliese is done eating, I put her back in her sling and cover her again before leaning back against the log and trying to get some more sleep
The next time I'm woken it's from my head being jostled. Blinking awake I make out Daryl standing from next to me and grabbing his crossbow looking off into the woods
"What's wrong?" I whisper
"Branch broke" he whispers back, and I nod my own eyes scanning the area that's just beginning to show signs of dawn breaking
"I don't see anything" Rick says coming up next to Daryl who nods
"I'm gonna head out see if I can catch anything" Daryl tells us
"Be careful" I tell him, and he nods
"Stay close, once everyone's up they're gonna want to move out" Rick tells him and Daryl nods again before walking off
"I got watch" Glenn says from across the fire making me jump
Rick sighs as he sits down on the ground where Daryl was
"You should close your eyes for a few" I whisper to him and while it looks like he wants to protest he nods and leans back closing his eyes
I'm not sure if he actually sleeps any, but by the time the sun is up everyone is awake, and Daryl has just gotten back with more wood for the fire and a few skinned squirrels to cook over it.
Squirrel is an interesting delicacy I decide as I coax Penny into eating it. She eventually does but not without curling her nose in absolute disgust every 5 seconds.
As soon as they're done eating Maggie and Glenn head off down the road to try and find some gas.
They get back almost 2 hours later with just enough gas to fill up all the vehicles and then we're on the road again.
We drive until after the sun is down and we all sleep around a fire again, it seems this will be our routine until we can find someplace safe to hole up in. Hopefully soon because it's just going to get colder and with the cold comes bad weather and less wildlife to be hunted for food.