Chapter 33

I don't know how long I stared at the golden clock, the center piece just above the massive fireplace, with its pendulum swaying unaffected by the hiccups in my life. My mind stopped, all sentient thought vanished and was replaced by anger, then fear, and at some point panic.

I never allowed myself to be controlled by emotions. Maybe I took it after my father – I don't know. There was also a chance it's just my incapability to let the ghosts from my past go. In that particular moment, I was overwhelmed by every feeling that I'd been piling up in neat boxes, alphabetically labeled and dispersed in different shelves inside me. On the "L" section, for love, there weren't many boxes. There was just Emmett, my father and, not without some grudge, my mom. And now, somewhere in the back, there was Edward, who somehow managed to take a lot of space in a darkened dusty corner.

My hands shivered. It was the only outward sign of the storm building up.

And the pendulum kept swaying.

My God! How I loved the only man that could never be right for me! Someone who provoked so many ambiguous feelings I wasn't used to, that I wasn't supposed to!

That's why I wanted to use any excuse to flee from the disappointment. I already knew about his relationship with Madeline, so rationally speaking I was aware that they had been intimate. Celibacy was a word Edward scratched from his dictionary when he was sixteen. But it hurt, even more than the Tanya debacle.

So I stayed and waited for him. In my peripheral vision, there were pieces of a broken cell phone mocking me - why turn off the phone when you can simply throw it against a wall?

It's not as cathartic as one might think; quite the opposite in fact. The bits and pieces only serve to remind you of your weaknesses when you're at your lowest. Perhaps a pillow might suit me better next; at least I wouldn't have to deal with the mess.

Edward came and went in less than half an hour. "I can't deal with this now," he said. I knew he couldn't if he were to be on time for his flight. My face must have made an impression on him because all the sense of fight evaded him almost as soon as he looked at me.

I don't remember everything that was said. Somehow I managed to focus on the pendulum, and an eerie calm overtook me. Eventually he hugged me tight, brushed his lips gently against mine murmuring "we're okay", and finally left. Without me.

That was a month ago.

I never left the Park for the remainder of the week. Initially, the newspapers' headlines were mostly about the Mores and the Cullens. The word incest was used so many times I lost count of how many. I called and texted Alice every single day since then, but she never replied. As expected, Jasper broke up with Madeline, who in turn sold her story to the highest bid. After her first "exclusive" interview, the speculation ran wild and inevitably my name was dragged into it. Even though some tried to portray me as a gold digger, the Cinderella version of me gained terrain over the not so flattering first impression, thanks to some good PR moves.

By Sunday, my name was on the first page of the most sensationalist tabloid in the UK. The bold letters "How CinderBella feels about her Duke?" caught my father's attention.

There was yet again another blurred still from Edward and Madeline. As I feared, the dreadful sex video was leaked into the internet, courtesy of Jasper Cullen.

My dad sat in front of me, as we were about to take off, reading the damn thing with a frown marring his face.

"Edward here in an interesting fellow," he said sarcastically after we took off. "What do you intend to do about this?" He was fuming.

"Dad, that was a long time ago," I heard myself answering. It was a long time ago.

"Bella, you can't say you're okay with this!"

"I'm not overjoyed, but it was long before we even met."

"I'm not sure I can…" he hesitated, "overlook this. It's disrespectful. And no matter what you say Alice and Jasper's relationship goes beyond my comprehension. They grew up together; they are siblings!"

There was no point in discussing it further. I wasn't strong enough to defend Edward in any way, at least not before dealing with my feelings of pain, jealousy, and distrust. I could understand my dad's black and white point of view. He's a cop; he has a hard time seeing beyond the facts. Every extenuatory circumstance only ever served a lawyer's cause. That was another complication because all of a sudden the small amount of consideration and worth Edward gained when he saved me was counteracted by a very public display of promiscuity. No father could ever be okay with that.

I pretended to revise the notes for my presentation, preventing my dad to continue the argument. Rosalie was the pacifier for the rest of the week with a gentleness that only a very loving woman could have. She understood everything innately; Emmett and my dad lacked an extra X chromosome.

Going back to work provided the anesthetic quality that only an 80 hours a week job can. Luckily, back at home no one gave a damn about British aristocracy or its scandals. My presentation went surprisingly well given how little time I had to prepare. My chief took some time to personally congratulate me on the matter and suggested I should write the clinical case for publishing. It was the only thing that gave me any satisfaction in a long time.

I'd been talking with Edward every other day. Our conversations were brief and somewhat strained. He kept looking for Alice, but it seemed like she vanished from the face of the earth. She didn't want to be found.

In England, J was continuing his invaluable work, helping me to fight corporate espionage. Edward's attention was diverted so I felt more vulnerable than ever. In the last four weeks, I realized how much I already depended on him. J established a connection between Rowland Hall and James Hunter. It seemed they shared the same taste when it came to a particular restaurant, but they didn't share a table. He wasn't able to find anything other than that connecting them, but it made me uneasy. That forced me into action, and I had to admit that I planned something so Machiavellian, I was ashamed of it. I needed to be sure that Greta was on my side.

I was getting ready to go to bed when my phone buzzed.

"Hello? Edward, have you found her?" He hasn't called in three days, and I was growing restless.

"Will you please let me go up?" He asked me, clearly annoyed. "Apparently I'm not on the list of people who merit having you bothered to let you know that they're here."

"I'm sorry, it's probably Enrique. normochromic normocytic anemia."

The elevator's doors opened just a couple of minutes later, and a drained Edward got out of it. He was dressed casually in jeans, something he never favored, and looked disgruntled.

"I missed you so much!" He exhaled as he drew me into his arms, holding me tight for a long time.

"You look exhausted. Why didn't you tell me you were coming? I could have been working."

"I called John." And he kissed me thoroughly. It wasn't necessarily passionate kiss. Although passion was something always burning deep inside him (and that was one of the things that made him so appealing to women). It was the kiss of a sick man looking for some healing - persuading kiss. "I can't find her." He whispered as he paused to regain his breath. "I don't know what to do anymore. I just needed to go home. But where's that now? Not the More estate, or my parent's home and I can't stand being in Alice's flat anymore. She's not coming back, is she?"

"I don't know," I answered truthfully.

He kissed me again, more purposefully this time. We were still just outside the elevator when his hands started moving inside my plain white shirt. His light touches sending a delicious shudder down my back. I missed him so much as well, but I wasn't able to tell him that until morning. His lips fastened on one nipple and all that needed to be said was forgotten as my hands pulled the hem of his shirt up.

I fell asleep almost immediately after experiencing what was probably the most explosive orgasm of my life. He was relentless in his search for Alice; his concern was so genuine it was agonizing to watch. That helped me to reconcile with the fact that I loved him against all odds. Knowing he could be more than just a conceited and ruthless aristocrat made all the difference in my world.

I knew that he could tell the difference in me, because of the way my body responded to his.

I tried to be quiet in the morning, as he needed his rest, but he joined me in the shower.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."

"It's fine. I know you'll be leaving soon for work, and I wanted to enjoy a little bit more of your company."

"You're going to make me late," I accused as his hands started massaging my back sensuously.

"I don't mind," he answered roughly.

"I do."

He pulled my left hand up against his face, and his fingers caressed mine absentmindedly as his face leaned into the warmth of my hand, his eyes closing. It was an unusual intimate moment for us, and if not for the uncertainty about Alice, it was the first time I felt blessed by having found him.

We had stood in the shower for a few minutes before any of us gave any indication that we had to continue with our daily routines. The water cascading around us felt like redemption, as we kissed and embraced tightly.

Edward had been going after every fickle lead he found. All we knew was that Alice was somewhere in the US. But she never contacted anyone, used her credit cards, or bought a plane flight to anywhere. She landed in NYC and just disappeared without a trace.

"How's your mom?" I asked him, finally breaking the silence as we sat in my kitchen's breakfast bar.

"She's still not talking to me. Carlisle convinced her to get out of the house and help around a.m. until Alice's back. But she's on her breaking point, and the media aren't being kind to her. She's being harassed no matter where she goes. There are paparazzi camping just outside my parent's country home. One might think that a month after it would all go back to normal. It hasn't! She's blaming herself."

"Because she knew, and she chose her husband over her daughter's welfare."

"You too?!" He asked baffled.

"Baby, I know a shitty mother when I meet one. Renee doesn't have even the slightest maternal inclination, and she mothered two kids. I was dragged across the country out of her selfishness because she couldn't bear to be alone; she had to be the center of attention to someone. No matter how angry she makes me feel, I still love her. I always will - she's my mom." It was that simple.

"It was so hard when dad died. I thought she would never recover from it. She lost a part of herself that I'm not sure she ever found back, not even with Carlisle. And Alice was there, always seeking the attention she never got. Had she been properly loved, she wouldn't have confounded her feelings for Jasper with love. We never showed her how it felt to be loved. I never did until it was too late."

"I think you're not old enough to be her father. In time, she'll understand why you concealed the truth from her, and even though she may never come to terms with it, she'll forgive you."

"You think so?"

"I know so. She loves you. You're probably the only person in the world she really loves; that's why she's having such a hard time forgiving you."

"What if something happened to her?" He mumbled, his eyes glistening with the intensity of his emotion. His fear was almost tangible.

"Bad news travel fast Edward. If something happened to her, we'd know by now. I think she just doesn't want to be found." I hoped it was true. "Don't lose hope."

He nodded, more to end the conversation rather than agreeing with me, and we continued to force down our breakfast.

My phone buzzed, signaling John's arrival.

"I have to go. John is waiting for me in the garage." I stood up and ran to brush my teeth and pick up my bag.

"Can I pick you up later today from work?" He seemed insecure for some reason.

"I'll only come home tomorrow. I have a night shift today, I forgot to tell you. I'm trying to clean up my schedule to go to London for the MorePharm meeting next weekend."

"Of course," he answered, but sounded disappointed.

"Why don't we go out to dinner tomorrow?"

"On a date?" He asked amused.

"Sure. That's not what we're doing? Dating, I mean…"

"Are you actually asking me out on a date?"

"Will it be so bad to do what normal couples do for a night?" I questioned not without some irony.

He seemed to ponder for a while before replying "I don't think we've been out for a proper date since we first met in Sydney."

"God, I think you're right." And realizing that felt like a blow in the face.

"I think we might be doing this all wrong…"

"I think that's because we're us, and everything is new," I offered smiling.

"You've been engaged before," he stated almost accusingly.

"I was. But I didn't feel about him the way I feel about you. I think I convinced myself back then that I should settle for contentment."

"And now?"

"I need more."

"Good, because I want more as well. So much more!" His words held a promise that he avowed by brushing his lips so softly, but so wholeheartedly against mine. I felt a tremor down my spine, and it was almost impossible to break that connection and go to work.

"You seem well today!" Angela accused as she took a seat across from mine at the hospital's cafeteria. "Are you eating that?" She asked eying the French fries forgotten in my plate.

"If you're always stealing mine, why don't you buy some every once in a while? You won't turn obese overnight just because of a couple of fries now and then."

She smiled cheekily as she popped one in her mouth. "Nothing that tastes like this could ever be right for you." She eyed me suspiciously. "I'm glad to see you eat though…"

"I have to keep my strength. It'll be a long day and night."

"Right."

"And Edward came home last night." I blurted out because she knew me too well.

"That explains some of it. Are you guys alright?"

"Yes, at least as well as we can be given the circumstances."

"God, you have a knack for getting yourself into complicated relationships. But this time I'm not sure I can blame you. Edward is in a league of his own."

"I know," I answered bitterly. That was one of my primary concerns - no one should look as good as he did. "This thing with Madeline brought up all my insecurities."

"Why? They're not together anymore, are they?"

"No. In his words, they fucked a few times years ago. But she was just one of many."

"It's a good thing there wasn't any emotional connection between them."

"But have you seen the kind of women he used to date?"

"Yes, and they are the one who have nothing against you. Give yourself some credit, You're one of the best people I know!"

Trust my best friend to defend me so nobly.

"Angie, I'm not. At least, not anymore."

"You're too hard on yourself." And the silence dragged around us in a very busy cafeteria. "Can I ask you an opinion about a patient?" She eventually asked breaking the silence. I nodded glad for the distraction.

"I have a 67-year-old female, previously healthy, who was admitted with abdominal pain and haematemesis. She'd been occasionally taking ibuprofen because of lower back pain. Two days before admission she noticed some purpuric spots on her skin that were compatible with leukocytoclastic vasculitis. She had normochromic normocytic anemia, 10 g/dL, and the rest of her blood analysis were normal."

"How's her urine sediment?" I asked as my interest grew.

"She had discrete proteinuria, but nothing too impressive."

"Get a kidney biopsy. She probably has Henoch Shonlein purpura. That's interesting." I said.

"She's too old to have IgA vasculitis…"

"It's typically diagnosed in kids, but adults may have it as well, and they usually have a worse prognosis, even though it's a relatively benign condition," I added and smiled.

"Thanks, Bells. On another matter, have you seen the new guy on Imaging?"

I had… and so our conversation drifted to little nothings and before I knew it, lunch time was over, as well as the rest of the day.

I was just looking outside my office's window, resting my eyes for a while watching the sunset, when my phone vibrated inside my lab coat's pocket.

I didn't recognize the number but decided to pick up the phone nevertheless.

"Hello?" I waited, and no one answered. I could hear some muffled sounds in the background, but couldn't make it what it was. "Hello? Who is this?" I tried again.

"Bella," a soft voice said. It was Alice. I grew frantic, but I didn't want to pull her away, so I waited. "Can you hear me?" She croaked.

"Yes, I'm here."

"Oh my God, Bella," she sobbed.

"I know Alice."

"Where are you? Are you alone?"

"Yes. I'm doing a night shift. Where are you?" I asked back.

"I'm right outside Adirondack Park. I thought some fresh air might do me some good."

"You're still in New York then?"

"Yeah, I needed some time find myself again."

"I can understand that, but honey we were so worried about you. Edward is going crazy." I heard her inhaling deeply, and I was afraid she might disconnect. "I'm so sorry, Alice. You shouldn't have to find out about it the way you have. But I didn't know how to tell you…"

"You should have told me. I felt betrayed…"

"I didn't know what to do," I confessed. "I really didn't."

"I recognize that now. It still hurts though." I didn't know what to tell her, but it was a breakthrough that she even got in touch.

"Could you ever forgive me?" I asked when I gathered the courage.

"I already have…"

"I can have the jet ready in a couple of hours, why don't you come here? Edward's home."

"Are you two okay?" She inquired.

"We will be," I replied truthfully because no matter how hard, she'd be home.

"I read about Madeline yesterday. I didn't have the courage to read the newspapers or watch TV for a while. I didn't stop to think about what I was leaving behind."

"I can't imagine what must be going on inside your head."

"I don't know most of the time what's going on inside my head. But it doesn't matter anymore - I'm tired of running. I've had enough of being and feeling like the victim."

"Please come home, Alice. Your brother loves you so much. Even though he made all the wrong decisions, he just wanted to protect you and your family."

"Are you both in Seattle?"

"Yes, please come home."