Chapter 35

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I sat on the cold kitchen floor staring at the emptiness ahead of me, carefully holding my grandmother's necklace, like a relic worthy or worship. I was exhausted, and that turned my mood around for the worst. Nevertheless, to my knowledge, that marriage proposal was the weirdest, craziest and most unhappy proposal known to humankind. The sad part was that even with all the anger, or maybe because of it, there was more feeling to it than to my first one. I shuddered at the remembrance. God, have I ever considered marrying Mike Newton?

It's really not much of an excuse that I've always protected myself against passionate feelings. I guess it's the only way to survive being raised by Renée. All the temperance I've aimed somewhere along the line turned into detachment. I've always tried to be a rational being albeit my relationship with Edward defied all logic.

"I love you, Edward," I said out loud to no one, especially not to the one who wanted to hear it most, to try the words and to feel their cadence. "I love you, Edward," I repeated, pausing between every word for special effect. It almost seemed that I suffered from dysarthria. "But I do love you," I said to myself again. It was the truth, I did. I just didn't want to.

"I'm a horrible person," because I was relieved knowing that the ring would still be in his pocket, "and a coward."

For the first time in my life, I took a sleeping pill to numb me. Alcohol would have been preferable, but I wasn't one to drink in the morning. I numbly went to bed, without bothering to take off my clothes, and lay down across my bed wrapping myself on the bedspread. I woke up a few hours later, disoriented, with a feeling of déjà vu. I was so attuned to Edward that even without knowing the time or place, I knew he was in the room. His back was facing the window, and his right index finger was lightly tapping the glass towards which he was leaning.

"What time is it?" I asked him.

"Almost 5 p.m." He answered without turning my way. There was a lengthy pause before he continued. "I think we should leave our situation unresolved for now and take care of Alice – she needs us both. Can you manage to forget about this morning and deal with it at a more appropriate time?"

"I've slept all day," I groaned complaining before his words registered. "Are you suggesting I forget you proposed?"

"You're not ready for it yet. Let's just…"

"Forget about it?" I completed for him.

"Can you do that?"

"I'm not sure I can," I said truthfully, "how would you feel about a long engagement?" í surprised myself asking.

"That's a sudden change of heart." He asserted as lightly as his demeanor became lethal. His hand was flattened against the window, pushing it forcefully without bothering to turn around to look at me.

"Getting married is a weighty decision for me." It was the understatement of the year. "As you pointed out, I was engaged before, and even without all this baggage that we have between us, it went wrong. We've known each other for only a few months and don't even live in the same continent. That might complicate things a bit, make you sad and lonely. And then you might have the need to find some company, and…"

"I will not cheat on you!" he roared indignantly. "How many times do I have to say that?".

"How can you profess to that? Look at you, you can have any woman in the world, why settle for one?" Why settle for me was the question I left unvoiced.

"I'm an egotistical son of a bitch. I feel very possessive of you. I don't want to share you so I can understand you don't want either. If you cheated on me, I'd kill the bloke slowly and painfully, and I'd make certain that you'd watch the show. You can do the same. And let's face it - you're a handful - where would I find the energy to entertain another woman? We can't add that to our prenup, but you have my word on the matter."

"Prenup?" If he was already digging into the legal aspects of the marriage, then he gave the matter a serious amount of thought. The proposal wasn't an impulsive decision.

"I had one drafted. Your assets will be completely protected in the highly unlikely event of divorce; mine will be equally shared." He stated without blinking, casually leaning against the wall behind him.

Just like that, he slaked my biggest fear, that he'd only marry me for Henry's money. It suddenly hit me that I was outmaneuvered.

"All that nonchalance about not bringing this matter up, for now, was just for show? Why do I feel that I've just been manipulated?"

"I just found a way to point out to you that you might not be as against the idea as you might think. You don't want to forget about it."

I frowned at that, and he quickly corrected himself.

"Well you may want to forget about how it happened but not that it's a possibility between us - that gives me hope. I'll have my lawyers contact yours, we'll come to an understanding, and then I'll propose again. Does that count as a long engagement? It might take a few months to have everything ready considering the amount of paperwork involved."

"A long engagement of a few months?"

He stared at me appraisingly.

"It will take a lot of time to have all the wedding details arranged, probably a year or so. On my terms, I reckon we're looking at a very long engagement. It wasn't a very romantic…" he said as his eyes focused on the ceiling perhaps for inspiration, "I'm just not that sort of bloke," he continued, "but I can't imagine my life without you in it. I've told you this before countless times, and you always make a conscious effort to stay away. Marriage gives me the certainty that we're both on the same page. Can you understand why this is important to me? Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one making concessions and doing all I can to make us work as a couple".

"That is unfair and painful to listen to considering all I do takes a colossal amount of effort."

"I know; the strain shows. And it hurts."

"It hurts? I'm scared of being hurt! This money Henry left me is a damn curse. After the initial relief after I paid my college loans my world collapsed. I felt I should reinvent myself somehow. But it wasn't necessarily for the best: my father and brother think I've changed, my mother hates me, and I fell in love with the man who considers himself robbed of his rightful inheritance. And falling in love with you? It was like apnea diving without proper training. Your reputation preceded you, and even if it didn't, I've seen how you treat women, how you objectify them. You asked me out because you thought I was a model. Only God knows how you came to that conclusion…"

"Wait for a second," he interrupted my ramble, "what's wrong with being physically attracted to you? Your eyes were the first thing that lured me in; you have the sort of legs that make a man fantasize about spreading them wide open for very naughty things. I also wasted a considerate amount of time guessing if your breasts would fill my hand nicely. They do, by the way. To top it, you have that sort of angelical appearance that all men want to see fall from grace. Well, it's what you see first. It goes both ways; you think I'm attractive too. You had sex with me against your better judgment. Now that I think about it maybe I should feel used as well." He accused me. "Did you love me then? I'm not sure you did. You don't want to love me even now! The simple fact that I want more from you than I ever wanted from any other woman should tell you how special you are to me."

I glanced at the mirror on the wall and saw the disheveled woman staring back at me with dazed eyes. I wasn't looking my best, and he still sounded so earnest.

"I'm sorry," I sobbed.

"What for?" He asked as he moved towards me and sat on the bed.

"I'm biased when it comes to you. If this is going to work, and I want it to work," I assured him, "I'm going to have to trust you. That is going to be a huge challenge for both of us, I think. But, if you're willing to bear with me, I'll try."

He dried my tears with his thumbs and kissed me softly before pulling me into a long and tight embrace. I always felt safe in his arms, ever since that cold night when he pulled me from a frozen river saving me from certain death.

"I'm so scared about this. It's the biggest leap of faith that I ever took. The wise woman in me is screaming murder."

"The pragmatic male inside me gave up a while ago where you're concerned. Let's just be foolishly happy together. The way I see it our lives could go two ways: either we go our separate ways - grow old, cynic and bitter - and in this scenario twenty years from now you'll be an old hag, and I'll be a bald guy, still fucking 20-year-old blonde because I'm rich. In a preferable scenario, we could get married and drive each other crazy because neither of us is going to change. Nonetheless, we'll have hot make-up sex, four kids, and two dogs to show for ourselves; at the end of the day even in the most messed up days, we'll still be content. That's what I want for us."

"It's settled then: long engagement and a small wedding."

"We'll talk about the details later. A small wedding isn't the usual standard for a Duke," he rebuked halfheartedly.

"Ed…"

"We'll discuss that later," he interrupted. "Alice should be here in no time as she's landing now. Who would've said that this day had the potential to turn out to be a splendid day?" He mused softly. How can this man have such a tender side and at the same time be a dominant, destroying force? "Come on, you've overslept, and then you won't sleep at night."

"I'm nervous about Alice."

"At least she'll be home. I've been so worried about her safety. She's so fragile."

I got up, showered and dressed as quickly as possible. Edward was nervous and jittery walking around the house. He sporadically paused to move some object that wasn't exactly centered just a fraction and continued in wondering erratically. Later, my intended groom came to the bedroom to ask me if Alice knew he was there. She did. Edward went back to his wandering around.

Mathew texted me once she landed that she was okay and they're coming home, so I went to Edward to let him know. All of a sudden, his apprehensions seemed to disappear, and as a result, he sat on the sofa, coolly turning on the TV. The change in him was so swift and complete that if I hadn't seen him before, I would never be able to tell that there was something wrong. I, on the other hand, couldn't deliver calm and composed so went to the window, to enjoy the exclusive, stunning view that looked no more impressive than a blank wall.

My phone buzzed in my pocket. Mathew's name was on display with a simple message "we're home."

I went back to the couch and sat next to Edward holding his hand in mine. His thumb immediately began caressing mine, massaging my fist dorsal interosseous muscle for a few minutes. It was probably a very reassuring gesture for both of us. We heard the door opening and closing but remained sitting, with the TV on in the background, trying to look patient as we waited for Alice to come to us like it was just any other day and she was back from the car where she had to return to get her overlooked purse. I stood up when she entered the living room, and Edward just turned awkwardly to see her, like he was glued to the couch.

"Hi," she greeted warily. "Thank you for lending me the plane. It was a lot better than a commercial flight," she blundered to fill the hefty silence between us. Her face was clean of makeup so that the dark circles under her eyes were the prominent feature in her beautiful but distressed face. She looked frail and thinner than I remembered.

"Welcome home," I said as I tripped walking towards her. I hugged her a bit too forcefully, to occupy my hands and avoid running them over her body looking for fractures and bruises.

"I'm sorry about the mess I left behind, but I needed time some on my own."

"We know," I answered hurriedly, "we're the ones who are sorry. We should have been honest from the start." I said earnestly because deep down I felt we could have avoided this.

She walked towards Edward, pecked him lightly on the cheek and walked around the L-shaped couch and sat across from us.

"I was terrified everytime I thought about coming back." She admitted exhaling soundly, and we let her find her courage to continue. Her voice was trembling at first but gradually became clearer. "At first I thought there was nothing left for me. When I ran away from London all I could ask myself was why didn't you tell me the truth before I made a total fool of myself. So many wasted years were spent clinging to a chimera. I hit my head so many times against the passenger seat in front of me, not sure if I wanted to know the answer or only to knock me out. It took me a month to realize that I wanted to be knocked out." She gave us a sad teary smile before continuing. "I realized I'll ever feel better knowing about it. It's just that this fabrication could have had the potential to ruin my whole life. I forgot because I didn't want to remember. In a way, I still don't remember any of it, at least not like it happened to me. Instead, I think of it as something that happened to a third person, someone who happens to look like me."

I nodded in understanding and Edward sat petrified by my side, paler than ever, trying to absorb the blow that he failed to protect his little sister.

"I stayed in a motel all of this time. It was the cheapest room I could find; it had a bed with an old spring mattress that squeaked loudly with an old dusty fan above it. Such an American cliché. I could hear the old television from the lobby downstairs almost like it was inside of my room. And the loud sound was almost soothing and had an amazing numbing effect. So I stayed. The second night I was there, there was a racket going on in the adjoining room. Ten minutes of grunting, moaning, and squeaking, followed by a flushing toilet. I felt so dirty just by listening to it that I moved to the bathroom and slept in the tub after drinking half a bottle of whiskey and taking two sleeping pills. By the third night, the process repeated itself about three times. I was too drunk at the time and went knocking on their door to ask them to keep it down. I mean, who could go at it so many times a night? As I was about to knock on the door, it suddenly opened, and I had the scare of my life. Some fat bloke was coming out, and a much younger girl was leaving the bathroom inside. That's how I met Holly. She's a prostitute, and that adjoining room was her office. She has a pimp slash boyfriend with whom she pretends to have consensual sex when she's not with clients. I think that's what she hated the most. Let's say that this past month was a waking call. She was raped three days ago. I found her yesterday all battered up in a hospital bed that she really can't afford to be for long. Her pimp was nowhere to be seen, so I assume he was the one who beat her up. I offered to pay for her hospital bills, but I had no money since I destroyed my credit cards. So here I am, embarrassed about myself, ready to take back my life because I could put my money to some good use and nothing that ever happened to me is half as bad as this. She smiled the brightest of smiles when she saw me, looking hopeful for once in her life, only because someone noticed she was missing. For the last 24 hours all I could think about was that after I had lost my baby Edward was there, holding my hand. When I wanted to start my own business, Henry was there to back me up, and Edward was there to run the damn thing and to prevent it from going bankrupt in the first year. My mom put her shit back together and did the best she could for me, Carlisle adopted us and loved us as his own." Her smile turned up, and there was a gleam of hope in her eyes. "God, I refuse to be a victim! I won't be one. Now that the phantasy is gone I can move on. So, I'm going to choose the best therapist money can buy; I'm going to work hard and rely on someone else to provide for me. This incident will stay with me forever. But I'm burying it, at least for now, and you're going to support me being as normal as possible. I need a routine. I demand normal. You're going to give me normality."

We were both speechless, and she finished her great speech with "and no walking on eggshells around me. I won't tolerate that anymore."

Edward stood up and embraced her tightly, crying silently. His shoulders shook, and his lips trembled with emotion murmuring the words that he was afraid he might never have the chance to. "We'll take good care of your friend, pay for wherever she needs. I believe we owe that girl a massive debt. I was so worried about you. I'm sorry. I just wanted to protect you…"

"I know. I didn't say anything to punish you because I knew how worried you were going to be. It was childish of me. I love you, big brother, don't do this again. I want to be involved in everything that may concern me, no matter how hard. Please promise me that you won't keep any more secrets from me. You have to promise me."

Edward looked at me over Alice's shoulder and mumbled I'm sorry again, only this time he was apologizing to me.

"I promise. No more secrets. In return, you must promise me that you'll never do anything as foolish as this. You could have been hurt, or even worse. I never wanted you to see all the ugliness in the world."

"But that the whole point Edward, you can't protect me from everything."

"I know, but you can't blame me for trying; you're my little sister, and I love you!"

"I know. But I have to stress this to you: NO MORE SECRETS."

"Okay, I get it. No more secrets."

"I mean it," she pressed.

"I know, and to prove you that I meant it, Bella and I have great news. We thought we should wait a bit before telling you but in light of this promise, and to convince you that I'll never do something so foolish…" he paused and stared at me smiling and it took me a second too long to realize what he was about to say next. "I proposed to Bella this morning before I knew you were coming back today. Even though I made a mess of it and the bad timing, and taking me forever to convince her that I wasn't such a risky gamble she reluctantly said yes after I agreed to a long engagement."

"Oh, my God you proposed?" She gawked at Edward. "Unbelievable! And you had to convince her? Like, give her the list of pros?"

"And cons," he admitted, shrugging. "But I chose well, didn't I?"

"Yes, you did. Thank you for this, for letting me know."

And the most amazing thing happened. Alice wasn't embittered by the thought of someone else finding love when she couldn't. She surprised both of us with her genuine enthusiasm, congratulating and hugging us. I think she said unbelievable at least twenty times before she affirmed quite vehemently "this means I get to design your dress. It's going to be fabulous; I can already picture it. Lord, yes, this is normal. This is good, like really good."

AN: is it the closure you hoped? This is just the first of many very hard steps for Alice. It won't be easy. For once I needed to leave this guys in a happier place. Thank you for reading.