Chapter 38
"The truth is I am a toy
That people enjoy
'Til, all of the tricks, don't work anymore
And then they are bored of me
I know that it's exciting
Running through the night, but
Every perfect summer's
Eating me alive until you're gone
Better on my own
They say: You're a little much for me
You're a liability
You're a little much for me
So they pull back, make other plans
I understand I'm a liability
Get you wild, make you leave
I'm a little much for
E-a-na-na-na, everyone
They're gonna watch me disappear into the sun
You're all gonna watch me disappear into the sun."
Liability, by Lorde.
I woke up in the morning alone in bed still disorientated. The ceiling was tinged in a cerulean hue brought by the early morning sun. Edward was looming over me, dressed in his rumpled yesterday-clothes with a grim face, a reminder of the terror that happened the night before.
"Good morning," he greeted me gently as he leaned over the bed for a small peck.
"You're dressed!" I accused.
"I'm not sure your father is ready to see me going around naked, but thank you for the sentiment. I'll take the opportunity later, on a more suitable location," he mocked, but the seriousness in his eyes remained – something was wrong.
"Alice?"
"I should get back to Seattle, I'm worried about her. I asked Jasper to stay there because I reckoned he'd protect her and let me know if something's wrong. Now that I'm here and know you're safe… I don't trust him enough to stay away from her…"
"Edward," I said, my scolding tone extirpated him of all softness, and he went into defense mode.
"Don't say it," he prevented me from continuing. "I know I was an idiot, but yesterday I had a knee-jerk response to the situation; I mean, both my sister and fiancée were admitted to a hospital after a maniac broke into our house. Jasper called, he seemed genuinely concerned, and I was mad at myself for not being there. I'm just beginning to think through things rationally again. Give me time, I'll make it right. Whatever you said kept Jasper subdued… what did you tell him anyway?" He was intrigued by how I managed Jasper. It made me happy that Jasper's self-assurance was at least partially abated by my threats, no matter how fickle the attempt seemed at the time.
"It doesn't matter what I said as long as it's effective," I said defensively. Edward's eyes narrowed on me, noticing the not so well-hidden meaning of my words. "Besides, who does she need protection from?" It was a brutal retort, and he retracted to himself.
"You're changing," he averred. There was no criticism in his tone. I wasn't going through some sort of transformation: I was forced into a position that made me react in unprecedented ways.
"I'm going to stay here in Forks for a few days until I decide what to do. I need a break, Edward."
"I understand. Mom and Carlisle are coming to Seattle as well. They should get here tomorrow. After that, maybe I can leave Alice to their care. I don't know, I just… I feel…" he sighed.
"Torn, I know. I understand that too. It's just that… it's not always easy to come second," he was about to interrupt, but I waved my hands frantically in the universal hang-a-minute sign so that he opened and closed his mouth forcefully. "I think that's why I was so angry at you before. Rationally, I know you must focus your attention on your sister and that she has issues that I'm not sure how to breach. But," I paused to regroup myself, "I was there too. There was this moment of absolute certainty that I was about to die. This is probably unfair to you," I sighed, "there is a part of me who blames you for being in that position."
"How can you say that when you always come first?" He finally burst as his hands gesticulated haphazardly at his sides. "I'm sorry I forced you to accept Holly in our flat, but I genuinely thought that your problem with her was from a different nature."
"What?"
"I thought you were just jealous…" He shrugged.
"Well, genius, of course, I was jealous! I noticed how she came on to you… she antagonized me in my own house because she thought she could get away with it. How was that okay with you?" I was growing angrier as I noticed that his whole demeanor changed with that admission and he had the gall to smirk. "What's funny?"
"Nothing. It's just pleasing to know that you're jealous."
"Really?" I threw a pillow in his direction, not playfully but hoping it would turn into a dense, pointy rock.
"I like to be reminded that you care," all humor evaporated in an instant before he continued "sometimes, I'm the one who's not so sure."
"How can you not know how much I care?" I asked dumbfounded.
"Because you never say it, and sometimes your actions don't show it," he whispered, sitting in the bed, closer to me, but avoiding direct visual contact. "I made a mess out of this and so many other things. I know that the beginning of our relationship was rocky, to say the least, and its development has a lot to be said about, but I promise you I will not put you in a position again where your wellbeing and safety are even remotely at risk. No matter what."
"You can't promise me that. I'm so angry and confused, I guess." He eyed me then, and I was astonished at what I saw in his green eyes. Resignation. I breathed in slowly trying to imbibe myself of some courage. "I love you, Edward. It defies my sense of self-preservation. The smart woman inside me is kicking and screaming loudly you'll get hurt!" And not physically. "We've been through this before," I whispered mostly to myself.
He studied me for a moment, looking for something in my body language to confirm or dispute my words. "Thank you," he said eventually. "I'll come back as soon as possible." He leaned for a kiss that lasted longer than intended; by the time he stood up, he was disheveled, and his breathing was labored. "Don't even think for a moment that it's easy for me to go."
"I know."
"You say that now, but I'm certain I'll later be punished for going. You close yourself off when I'm not around; every time I come back, there's a new wall to climb that wasn't there before. It keeps growing; I'm always afraid it might get insurmountable."
"Then maybe you should make sure that this is the last time you leave." One day, you may not be able to climb back up, I silently threatened. In all honesty, I did love him, and I finally resigned to it.
For our relationship to work some adjustments would have to be made, on both ends, and there were many to be made in only a couple of days. I had to call my chief and ask for some time off work. Everyone knew at the hospital that I had been assaulted, even though most of the details were not of public knowledge, or so I thought at the time. He wasn't surprised by my request. In fact, he seemed quite understanding at first. Later, when he realized I was thinking of a more prolonged sabbatical, the comprehension seemed to rarefy. I was told that my residency program would be jeopardized by a long absence, not only in that institution but it could have severe repercussions in my entire future. It meant he'd never give me a recommendation letter if I decided to enroll in a different program somewhere else.
"What about a 5 million dollars fund for the Internal Medicine Clinical Research Program?" Edward asked when I told him about it.
"There's no such thing," I told him absentmindedly.
"There could be. You could either personally fund it or have MorePharm do it. Either way, great for tax benefits and you would do something useful for your own Department. At a later stage, they'd be more flexible to allow you to come back if you so wish. I think it might make you feel safer this way; I know you're afraid to close this chapter in your life, even though I was hoping you'd consider transferring now."
"It's not a chapter in my life. Up until very recently, my medical career was my whole life. For me it's not a job, it's a profession. Can't you tell the difference?" He was startled by my outburst. "I had very little time to adapt to my new circumstances."
"You can't hide in your dad's house forever," he murmured as he laid in my bed. He continued to look out of place there, too big and sophisticated for my teenager room. He looked silly in it but came back every day, and I fell in love with him a little deeper for it.
"I wouldn't consider three days is in the same range of forever…" He needed my support. When Esmé and Carlisle arrived, everything went out of control. Alice was unprepared for dealing with a quasi-hysterical mother and a quietly disapproving stepfather. Edward tried to navigate the situation, and serve as a bridge between everyone but was met with cold stares on every turn. After the third day of driving back and forth between Seattle and Forks, he was turned into a half-human half-demon entity of his family design.
"I had the worst day I can remember. Suddenly, it seems like everything that went wrong is my fault. You know Alice's psychiatrist suggested that I'm an overbearing father-figure that prevented her from growing up?" He asked equally astonished and outraged at the thought. There had been a family session, both Edward and his mother attended, but it hadn't been prolific.
"That's what's eating you inside, isn't it?" He'd been strange through dinner, quiet in a worrying way.
"What?! No, of course not. There's no credit to such a preposterous affirmation," he hurriedly defended himself.
"You're afraid she might have a point, aren't you?"
"You too?" He scoffed and abruptly stood up.
"Baby, you always want what's best for your sister," I told him in a soothing voice, "even though, on occasion, you are a bit overbearing. She's an adult now, for better and for worse."
"Is she really an adult?" He asked more incensed than he intended and quickly corrected his tone of voice as if sensing he was betraying himself. "Is anyone of her age an adult? Have you talked to her, in depth, about any subject? I'm afraid of what she may do when she's discharged."
"When do you think that is going to be?" I asked, consciously avoiding answering his question.
"Tomorrow, I think."
"So soon?" I was surprised. I've talked to Alice on the phone every day, she never mentioned it.
"Yep. Wants to go straight to London and back to work. My mother offered to stay at her place, but she refused and prefers to be alone. Your colleague seems to be under the impression that it could be beneficial for her to occupy herself creating something new. The fact is that A.M. and its concept is wasting without her. It'll take a new large investment to keep it afloat."
"I think some sense of normalcy in her life could be a good thing," I muttered, even when I was worried it might be too soon.
He leaned rigid against my bed's old headboard and stared at me troubled. I sensed he wanted to ask me when I was going to do the same. Instead, his eyes became darker and lifeless.
"Edward, what's wrong?"
"Tell me what to do," he said quietly.
"What do you mean?" I asked as I sat on the narrow bed.
"I seem to be doing everything wrong." It's not something he was used to. "I'm at a loss here. So," he asked again, strengthening the resolve in his voice, "just tell me what to do."
"About what?"
"You and I, for instance. Tell me what I need to do. I can´t manage this situation."
"That's probably one of the things you got wrong. I'm a person, not a situation to be managed quickly. Not even in better circumstances you'd be able no manage me. You know that, right?" I was a bit worried about how he saw our relationship.
"You're misinterpreting me on purpose. That's not what I meant. I asked you to tell me what the fuck should I do!" His outburst startled me, but I could do angry. I was better at being angry than vulnerable.
"I don't know, ok? How can I tell you something that I don't know?" I yelled nearing my breaking point.
"Then let me handle things as I see fit. Let's set a date for our wedding, for instance."
"This is definitely not the time for that."
"Why not? You love me, you just said so. I want you to come and live with me in London, where you belong. Why the hell are you forcing us to stay here? Making me go back and forth like a puppet? I'm losing my mind here. We can't work from here. How much money do you think we've lost so far? If I could see any sign of improvement, I'd shut my mouth and stay for as long as it takes. But it seems like you're on a rollercoaster of self-pity, that's going wild and without brakes. It's not working for either of us. So, if you don't want to tell me what I can do to make things right, let me do things my way!"
"Maybe, I need space and time. I understand what you're going through, but I almost got killed by a maniac in my own home. Someone you trusted and allowed to shamelessly flirt with you. In front of me. Because I didn't want to come out as the bitchy girlfriend, I almost got shot. It's a miracle I'm alive... and the man responsible for saving me will probably be scarred for the rest of his life because he had to shoot someone to defend me. Can't you see how guilty I feel about ruining someone else's life?"
"He had a job, and he failed at it! You have nothing to feel guilty about!"
"Get out," I told as calmly as I could muster. Edward would never take me seriously otherwise.
"What?"
"You asked me what to do, and now I'm telling you – get out now."
"You don't mean it. Bella, that's not how I…"
"I'll leave then." I cut him out and turned around, got down the squeaky wooden stairs, got a jacket and my dad's car keys. I was out of the door probably before he even realized what had happened.
I drove irrationally for a few miles until I recognized where I was. A couple of miles ahead was a dirt road which led to Jacob's house. It was a road I was familiar with and brought back the memories of those cherished summer vacations I could stay with my dad.
It was nearly midnight, and he was probably asleep, which was for the best because I knew I shouldn't be here - Jacob was unsolved business as well, the kind that you try to cover up until it festers. I felt like I needed to go somewhere untainted by unhappy circumstances. He was always that for me, even after we grew apart. I always felt welcomed. And loved. There were no conditions attached, but the night still had such so many surprises reserved for me.
I don't like to think about why Jacob and I drifted apart. We were always friends, for sure. He was my first crush and later my first real lover. When I went to college, there was this tacit agreement that summers were shared between us and that whatever happened while at school would not be an obstacle to what we had. Long distance relationships seemed like a big muddy pond we didn't want to get into. It would likely kill what we had. Anyway, regardless of whom we might date, we always found our way back to each other. I changed the rules when Mike came along. I think I was blinded by the solitaire's bling. Not that it was big, or even special now that I happen to think about it, but I deluded myself that stability was everything I wanted. It was the fantasy that drew me in. There was a part of me that hoped to force Jacob out of his comfort zone and fight for me, I realized later. I remember when I called him to tell him the news and the awkward silence that followed my grand revelation - "I'm engaged."
I remember taking my phone away from my ear and looking at the screen because I thought the line went dead. But the seconds went by, the numbers repeatedly changing, as the digital clock continued marking the passing of time. It was a while before he asked, "are you happy?"
"Yes," I said a bit too quickly.
"Than so am I. Congratulations, honey." There was no sarcasm in his tone, and I didn't detect the barest hint of sadness. Secretly I resented him. I accepted that there was never going to be anything more between us. It was weird going from best friends to lovers... but even more so from lovers to friends.
I found myself once again engaged, and no less than to a man I loved and who could indeed break me just because of that, even without adding all the gory details into the mix.
Why did I find myself reaching out to Jacob when things get messy with Edward? Was it because Jacob was safe? I hadn't gone to him when I broke off with Mike.
"This is ridiculous, what's wrong with me?" I muttered to myself. I revved the car, to turn around and leave when I saw a shadow behind my car and had to break instantly as I was about to hit someone.
"Hey!" A male voice shouted. I got out of my car because I heard a thud and thought I might have hit someone.
"Bella?"
"Jacob?" I asked dumbfounded.
"Why the look of surprise? It is my house after all."
"I'm sorry; did I hurt you? I was about to turn around. It's too late for social calls…"
"I'm fine, I was the one who hit your car, trying to call your attention. I hope this is not just a social call. I was wondering when you're going to show up. You know you're all over the news, right?"
"What?"
"Come on inside. Let's get you warm and talk. Want some coffee?"
"Won't it keep you awake at night?"
"That's the point, and I could ask you the same question…"
"Sleep became a bit of a mirage lately," I answered truthfully.
"Forks might be just what you need, then – it's not much of a desert, but we have great firewood to keep you warm."
I followed him to his kitchen. It seemed smaller than before, or he just took up more space than I remembered. I watched him prepare a fresh pot of coffee and taking out clean mugs from the counter.
"What?" He asked when he caught me staring.
"You did some nice renovations," I noticed.
"All those summers working with my dad weren't wasted. I like working with wood, you remember that?"
"I do. Have you done all the renovations yourself in this cabin?"
"Yeah." He seemed shy about it. "I'm thinking about transforming this into a business venture."
"Really?"
"You don't like it?"
"I love it. It's just unexpected, that's all. You never mentioned it before today."
"You've been a bit out of reach."
"I've been a crappy friend, I know." I looked down as if the cuticles around my nails were something deserving of my complete attention when I noticed a warm cup being placed in front of me.
"Careful, it's hot." He smiled warmly at me. "Have a seat, Bella. I missed having you over. I didn't realize how much until I saw you tonight."
There was yet another awkward silence as I took a sit in one of his high stools and placed the mug over the cabinet.
"What about this business of yours?" I asked with interest.
"You didn't come out here to talk about that." I could always trust Jacob to tell me exactly what was on his mind.
"Just humor me, please?"
"Humor you?" He teased. "Well, the family is important, and I always wanted to live here. There aren't exactly many job opportunities around… I realized that many stressed people, much like yourself, like to come to isolated places to rest; recharge batteries to go back and keep living the same old and unfulfilling life they had back whatever they came from before coming here..." He ranted. "Anyway, I plan to design small but self-sufficient cabins in some secluded places in the middle of the woods."
"That's a great idea."
"Yeah, I'm trying to convince the bank of that…"
"How much do you need?" I asked him almost automatically, without much thought, but I could tell I wounded his ego with my question.
"I'm not taking money from you, so I won't answer that question." He sounded genuinely upset.
"You didn't ask me for money."
"You're right, I haven't."
"Jake, I'd love to help however I can. You're my best friend."
"Really?" He sneered. "Since when? When was the last time you called? I had to watch on the news that someone tried to kill the heiress of Lord Henry More."
"What?" I hadn't paid attention to the news after that first day. I rushed to his living room where I noticed a laptop was laying in a small coffee table next to a two-seat green sofa.
"Are you googling yourself?" He demanded behind me, clearly amused by the idea.
"Yep, see how low I've descended," I replied absentmindedly as I stared at the screen in front of me. There were so many entries on every major newspaper and magazines as well as gossip blogs.
THE HEIRESS OF HENRY MORE SHOT DOWN BECAUSE OF A LOVERS SPAT?
HEIRESS CAUGHT IN THE CROSSFIRE OF DRUG DEALERS
HEIRESS OF LORD HENRY MORE WAS NEARLY KILLED IN LUXURY APARTMENT HEIST
HOW THE HEIRESS MANAGE TO KEEP HER MULTI-MILLION DOLLAR RING
"I'm going to be sick."
I quickly perused some of the websites. There were a few articles which were close to the truth, but others were just rampant speculation about a love spat and implied that I was the one who killed Holly because she was Edward's old flame. I was enraged beyond words and considered going immediately back home and murdering Edward.
"I thought you knew…"
"I didn't know there was so much speculation about someone breaking into my home." It was hurtful. And some of them outright slandering of my personality. Alice wasn't even mentioned in most of them. I was the big news. Well, not me, but the heiress. "All the headlines refer to me as the heiress, not Dr. Swan, or even Isabella." I heard myself muttering.
Why did I say that aloud?
"Do you want to tell me what happened?" He asked as he closed the laptop forcefully in front of me and took it away from me.
"Hey!" I protested, "I was reading that."
"Not anymore, you're not. You came here to talk, to unburden yourself of whatever is brewing inside you. I know you, Bella Swan. So make yourself comfortable, take off those shoes, I'm going to get you a blanket."
He picked a knitted red blanket from the other sofa before he sat next to me "scoot over and let me sit next to you."
I tried to make myself comfortable in the small space next to Jacob and found myself leaning against him, my head supported by his shoulder. It was a bit tight but strangely comforting, so he let his arm around me protectively.
"Just spill the beans, Bella."
And I did; I poured my heart out and told him everything. He only interrupted me on occasion, just said inconsequential but encouraging things; I was the one doing all the talking. I cried, sobbed and even found myself laughing at my obvious idiocy in some matters, noticing that many of the problems were of my own making and how saying things out loud helped put everything in the right perspective. It was so easy to be with him, and suddenly, it felt like I was seventeen again.
I was almost dozing when I noticed an old clock over his fireplace. I remember it used to sit in his grandmother's house where we snuck on occasion and made out in the old couch while she was out in the garden or doing some errands. She was kind, motherly, and long gone. As should I be.
"It's late, almost three in the morning. I'm sorry I kept you up. Thank you for listening, I was driving around feeling totally at a loss of what to do." That last part hadn't changed, but I somehow felt better.
"Bella, don't go." His eyes were hooded and glued at my lips. "Stay," he breathed out as he leaned in closer. There was a sense of purpose in his eyes, and I needed to stop him before we both did something we might regret later.
"Jake" I whispered, "I can't do this. I'm engaged. I didn't even ask you if you have someone special in your life, I'm sorry."
"I know you're engaged." He sighed. "But I also know that you're not sure about him. You wouldn't be here otherwise." He moved with such ease, and I found myself pinned between the pillows and a warm, familiar body that I craved. He kissed me tenderly, lovingly, without rushing.
I remembered how he used to kiss me until I was nearly bursting, the buildup and the serenity that came after.
I could feel his arousal, but again, he wasn't pushing or demanding anything more. Just giving. And it made me cry about what we could have had.
I pushed him gently away from me, and he stopped, just giving me enough space to look down at me and see if he went too far.
"Why didn't you fight for me when I told you about Mike?" I asked suddenly.
"What?" He was unprepared for that question, because he sat back, putting some space between us without letting go of my hand. He pondered how to answer for a while, and I was already beating myself up for asking such a stupid question. It didn't matter, at least nor any more.
"I wasn't ready then to give you what you needed."
"So you just let me go..."
"Don't blame me for your failed relationships. How can I let go of something that was never mine?"
"I'm not blaming you." He stared at me because we both knew I was lying. "I'm sorry, this isn't fair to you. We have to stop doing this…"
"Do what?" He asked perplexed.
"Friends don't make out on the sofa," I said as I stood up combing hair with my fingers to try to regroup. I felt too warm and was ashamed to admit how I felt sexually aware of him.
"Old habits die hard. You didn't come here to fuck," Jacob stated crudely. "We were about to make love."
"I have to go!" I hurried outside, leaving his front door behind me. The cold air biting my skin, but I felt I deserved the punishment. I almost became a Jerry Springer character.
You are a cheater. You are a GREAT pretender.
He looked stunned when I ran away.
"Bella," he yelled after me. "You can't leave like this. We haven't finished talking." He caught up with me as I fumbled with my car keys, grabbing my arm and forcing me to face him.
"Bella, why are you here?"
"I," my voice was strangled, I was petrified and couldn't say anything.
"You have to start choosing better the men in your life. I should have told you two years ago what you meant to me, that I knew we belonged together. But you seemed so sure about yourself – what could I do but stay out of your life? You never proffered your undying love for me. You punished us both for something I had no way of knowing I was being judged for. I'll tell you why you're here. Every time you make a bad choice you bounce back to me, because you know I'm always here," he accused. And damn it, it hurt because it was true.
"Don't tell me you haven't been with countless other girls beside me. I've even met a few!" I defended myself. Why was I saying all of those things?
"I've never put my ring on any of those girls' fingers, have I?" He scoffed.
"Maybe you're not that type." He looked murderous when I told him that, so I rephrased. "Maybe you haven't found the right one. I don't know, Jake." That conversation became quicksand. What had I done?
"Is that what it would take to make you stay? Do you need a ring?"
"I have one," I said defensively, and it sounded weak even to my ears.
He grabbed my hands and gazed at my bare fingers "where is it then? Or is it of so little importance that you take it off when it suits you? You're on the rebound of a poor choice and make an even worse one. How could a guy love someone that took away his birthright, his legacy? Haven't it crossed your mind that you're the most convenient a bride?"
Jacob couldn't have hurt me more if he slapped me and he knew it, so he backed away slowly and took a deep breath.
I leaned against the car for support gaping at him, without seeing him. When I regained back the strength in my legs, I finally opened the front door and slipped inside. The windshield was foggy, so I had to wait while it cleared up with the air conditioning. My hands were shaking, and I was about to drive off when I heard a soft knock on my window. I pushed the button to open the electric window. Jacob's breath was warm against the cold night. He placed his left hand, closed tightly as a fist against my steering wheel, and his right cradled my head.
"I'm not letting you go like this. You have to know how I feel about you. I love you, for you. Not for what you have. Can Edward claim the same thing? Would he stay with you if you gave all that fortune away?" He scoffed. "I would. I will. I feel like I had loved you my entire life, even when we made a mess out of everything. We should have risked it, the long distance thing… Or I should have followed you when you went to med school... If I did any of those things, we wouldn't be here." He paused again and looked up before focusing his eyes on me again. "You always knew what you wanted, and I always thought that after you got it, you'd come back to me like you always have before. It was presumptuous of me. I know that now." He paused for effect, his eyes were luminous in the darkness, as emotion shone through. "Isabella Swan go and figure out what you need in your life. And I say need, not want. I'll stay here, waiting for you. See this, as I don't want any misunderstandings between us from now on." He opened his hand in front of me, and I gasped at the sight. He had a beautiful antique ring in his hand, a simple white gold band adorned with a pearl surrounded by small diamonds. His flesh was marred by the indentations the ring left while he kept it in a tight fist. I recognized its meaning instantly, as I saw it in his grandmother's finger a long time ago.
"I'll be here, and I'll even propose again properly. But know that when you come back to me, I'll weld this ring into your finger because you'll never take it off as long as we shall live."
AN: bringing Jacob back was unexpected to most of you. Some are probably mad as hell at Bella (and me), but I promise you it has a purpose. A lot of distressful things are going to happen, and it took me a while to be in the right place of mind to write the final chapters. I'm actually on sick leave, so I´ve never had so much idle time before, and it's driving me crazy! It's also the perfect mindset to finish this story and hopefully open space to complete a different project.
With all this free time, I'll actually reply to any comments or questions you may have. Let me thank you in advance for keeping me company:) and for reading this pile of nonsense that is THoLHM.