Should I walk in or not? I had been standing in front of the door behind which Edward was about to hold lecture for almost 10 minutes, debating.
CONS: Things had gone way, way too far.
PROS: What had happened at the library last week had challenged everything I thought I knew, and I wanted to know where Edward stood.
Flashback...
I didn't really know what to expect when I threw myself onto Edward and crashed my lips against his. I simply wanted to make him understand that this was not a game to me, that I was not playing. I was not playing at all.
This all meant something to me. He meant something to me... and I needed him to know that.
I poured every fiber of my being into that kiss. It was full of desire, hunger, passion, urgency, tenderness, emotion, and hope. The feel of his lips against mine was 1000 times better than anything I had imagined. It made me feel as though I belonged. Precisely. His soft and tender lips made me feel like they'd been made for mine. They'd propelled me to the top of the world. My feet had left planet earth. My heart had literally exploded with happiness in his arms. For a few moments, I had been happy.
I had kissed Edward Cullen.
But my happiness quickly faded, giving way to sadness.
Sadness and disgust.
Because after recovering from the shock of my kissing him, Edward pushed me away.
He grabbed my shoulders and forcefully shoved me away as though our kiss had burned him. His eyes were wide and his jaw clenched. All of a sudden, his entire body was tense. As I attempted to regain my breath, I tried to decipher the look in his eyes. I could see shock, anger, but also imploration and pain.
Pain? He was hurting after rejecting me? If he was hurting half as much as I was, then why was he so intent on toying with me?
Feeling humiliated, I looked away and closed my eyes to keep my tears from falling. I refused to cry before him once again. I bit the inside of my cheeks so hard I almost tasted blood.
"Bella..."
I did not want to hear another word out of his mouth. I wanted him to leave.
But he did not.
He stood there... silent.
After what seemed like an eternity, I chanced a look at him. His arms were outstretched on either side of my face. He was holding on to the shelf behind me. And I was entrapped once more. His head was lowered with his forehead almost pressed against mine and his eyes closed. He seemed... focused. He was frowning, and his heavy breathing was interspersed by unintelligible whispers. By listening closely, I made out a "why?". He repeated that word a second time with more aggressiveness, gritting his teeth. He pounded on the shelf behind me with his right hand, making me wince. Then, he opened his eyes and planted his gaze into mine, rendering my breathing even more erratic. He let out a soft "why?".
Slowly, I saw him move a trembling hand to my neck and then down to my chest where my heart was racing for him. He stared at his hand rising and falling against my skin at the rhythm of my beating heart for a lengthy moment, an undecipherable expression on his face. I would not have been able to take my eyes off of him had my life depended on it.
I had no idea how long we stood like that.
"Ed… Edward?" I finally found the words to speak, prompting him to lift his gaze towards me.
I gasped when his eyes met mine as I noted how visibly darkened his pupils were.
Then, everything happened at once.
Edward gripped my face and planted his warm mouth on mine, fusing our lips together. I almost fainted before such ardor, such hunger, such impatience.
He was no longer rejecting me.
My hands moved to grab the hair at the nape of his neck of their own volition, while he pressed his body against mine, reducing the distance between us to nil. The crash of our bodies against the library shelf hurt my back, but I couldn't have cared less.
Because Edward Cullen was kissing me.
And his kiss was infused with infinitely more passion than I had dared to put into mine.
I felt one of his hands move to my left hip to keep me pressed against him. His lips opened up and I felt his tongue against my teeth, trying to force its way into my mouth. Edward groaned when I allowed him in. He moved his tongue with expert precision over mine, eliciting a moan from me. I tried to match the fervor of his strokes as our tongues caressed one another in a feverish and erotic ballet.
I lacked the words to describe how wonderful Edward's tongue felt running over mine. He tasted fantastic, which made me want more. So much more. I tilted my head slightly to deepen the kiss, and Edward responded in kind. He held onto my neck tightly and ran his tongue more aggressively over mine, tasting me even further, exploring my mouth with reckless abandon.
There was nothing romantic about this kiss anymore. It was a rough, passionate, wild kiss.
It was bloody marvelous.
No one had ever kissed me like this, and I was quite certain no one ever would again.
I heard Edward groan my name against my lips, and I was unable to repress a moan of my own. The sensation of his tongue against mine combined with the sound of my name uttered from his lips caused a burning ache to build low in my belly and wetness to pool between my thighs. I let out a sigh of contentment, and I felt Edward smile against my lips before he pulled my lower lip into his mouth and sucked it greedily.
Dear Lord, I was literally on fire!
I was overwhelmed by the sensations I was experiencing, and I wanted the moment to last forever.
When Edward grabbed my hair to pull my head back and assail my neck with kisses, biting and sucking on my skin, I told myself that it had all been worth it and that if given the chance to start all over with him, I wouldn't change anything. This one magic moment erased all those times that I had cried, doubted, hated myself and hated him. Yes, I would commit all the same mistakes and relive all those painful moments if it meant I got to enjoy this perfect present one.
That thought made me moan once again. Edward must have taken that as a signal because all of a sudden, he grabbed my right upper thigh, lifted me up and pinned me hard against the shelf, causing a few books to come tumbling down. I wrapped my leg around his hip, fastening him to me hard and tight, refusing to allow the smallest distance between our bodies. I started moving my hips lasciviously, not fully realizing what I was doing. I was in a trance and barely recognized myself.
This electrifying contact seemed to stir Edward, judging by the groans he let out as he nibbled my left earlobe. The sounds prompted me to intensify my movements.
He smoothed his right hand over the back of my skirt to outline the shape of my bottom before grabbing hold of my ass, and I gasped as I felt something thick and hard beneath my ass, between Edward's legs. Something very, very hard.
Lord Jesus, my literature professor was hard. So very hard for me.
I had never before physically felt a man's desire for me and all of a sudden, the sensation frightened me and filled me with anxiety. A million questions barraged my brain as I slowly regained my ability to think… Did I really want my first time to happen here? In a library? With a guy I barely knew? I had previously thought that I did, but now that I was confronted with reality and that it was becoming a very real possibility, I didn't know anymore… Goodness gracious, I was a virgin! I had made a vow to myself, a promise to wait for the right guy. For my person. For the person who was meant for me. For the guy who would tell me he loved me and who I would know definitively I loved in return.
Edward Cullen could not be that guy.
I would have given anything for him to be, but he wasn't.
He didn't feel for me what I felt for him.
And sleeping with him would not give me what I wanted from him. On the contrary...
So what the hell was I doing?
Edward must have sensed my hesitation because he suddenly pulled his lips away from my skin and pinned me with his fiery gazed, silently questioning. We stared at one another for what seemed like an eternity before my phone started to ring, breaking through our haze. I heard the tone, but I let it ring, simply incapable of moving or uttering a single word. But when my phone rang again, Edward broke the silence.
"You - You should probably get that." He suggested in a low voice, releasing his grip on my leg and lowering me down.
"I - Yeah, it might be important."
I pulled my phone from my pocket but did not answer the call.
Edward swallowed hard and ran a hand through his messy hair.
"I need to go!" he declared in a breath before heading towards the table where his documents were strewn.
I watched silently, disbelieving, as he quickly collected his things and put them in his leather bag. I hadn't moved an inch. I was still holding my ringing phone in my hand. After gathering all his things, he threw his bag on his shoulder and moved hurriedly towards the staircase leading to the exit.
He was going to leave me here. Without a word. Without a single glance. Without a semblance of an explanation for what had just happened between us…
Because this time, something had in fact happened between us. This hadn't been a figment of my imagination. This had been real. And Edward seemed as disconcerted as I was.
He took a few steps down the staircase and then abruptly stopped. He exhaled loudly and turned towards me. We stared at one another for several seconds before he hesitantly walked back towards me.
Once he stood before me again, I held my breath and closed my eyes in anticipation. I dreaded what he was about to tell me. I feared what I might read in his eyes.
Was he regretful? Shameful? Angry?
I wasn't sure I wanted to know, but I knew I had to confront reality. Edward had come back, and it was probably not to tell me that like me, he had enjoyed our kiss and wanted a repeat experience.
No, he was about to crush me.
Against all odds, while I expected to hear his voice full of regret, I simply felt his soft lips lay a tender kiss on my forehead and his thumb brush against my cheek.
I released the breath I had been holding.
When I opened my eyes, he was gone…
Flashback...
A whole week had gone by, and I still had no idea what to do. A part of me didn't want to face Edward again after what had happened. The reasonable Bella told me it was best to avoid him at all costs, to leave things there, to drop his course and forever cherish the memory of our kiss in the library, a memory untarnished by Edward telling me how much he regretted it. The reckless Bella was dying to see Edward again and to finally find out what she meant to him.
The eternal dilemma between the angel and the devil...
Oh, screw it!
Knock knock…
Let me know when you are ready for more.