On the afternoon of May 25th, Lori Loud entered the WKBBL listening area for the first time in two years.
A low wattage station with its tower perched atop the drugstore in downtown Royal Woods like a mooring station for alien ships, WKBBL transmitted its sightless sonic waves for ninety miles in every direction like ripples in the still surface of a misty morning pond. It came in loud and clear at its epicenter, but the farther away you got, the weaker its signal became. Starting twenty-five miles out (fifty on a clear day and at night), it became gradually more and more staticky until it eventually faded away altogether, lost in the endless hiss of white noise between other stations. When that happened, you knew you were far from home. When the reverse happened and it slowly emerged from the snowy void, you knew you were close.
When Lori was in high school, WKBBL played pop, hip hop, and the occasional rock song. It billed itself as "Today's Biggest Hits." In her parents' day, or so Mom said, it played Then's Biggest Hits. The reason is yoooooou. From what Lori had heard, WKBBL had always played modern music, slowly evolving with the times as disco turned to new wave, new wave became grunge, and grunge gave way to rap. By the time Lori came along, you didn't have to sit by the radio and listen for your favorite songs like the boomers did, you could always go to YouTube or Spotify if you really wanted to hear Ariana Grande or Nick Jonas. Even so, Lori would put it on to do her homework by; she liked hearing new things and you can't hear new things if you only listen to your carefully curated playlists. Plus, she liked the deejays. Dave and the Morning Zoo, Pat Kelso in the afternoon, and The Big O and Dukes Show in the evening. They were a big part of her childhood and the longer she spent away from home at college, the more she missed them.
It was a Friday, right around 1pm, and Lori was traveling north along the interstate in a battered little sedan that she bought with Pop-Pop's help when the familiar WKBBL jingle broke through the static. Lori looked at the radio, heart soaring, and smiled to herself.
She was almost home.
Lori had left Royal Woods for college out east four years ago, landing in Boston, a city where the roads were a confused snarl of traffic and all liquor stores were puzzlingly referred to as "packies." Package store. Lori didn't know why they called them that. She also didn't know why they ate fluff and sold bread in a can. Boston was almost a foregin country and she always felt out of place there. A few times, she got so homesick that she almost quit and went back to 1216 Franklin Avenue, but she never did. She refused, refused, to allow herself to fail. She had always been strong and determined before, it was too late to stop now.
So even though it was hard, and even though she rarely got to visit home because she didn't have the money, she pressed on. Now, after four long years, and after two years of not being able to see her family, she was finished. She had won. She walked across the stage in a ceremony two days ago, accepted her bachelor's of law, and ended her time in that strange little city by the Charles. All of her worldly possessions were packed into cardboard boxes in the backseat, and her future was bright, though not entirely certain. She didn't know where she would go from here or what she would do, but for now, she was coming home, and that was all that mattered.
Life, she had already learned, was a fickle thing. You could build castles in the sky all you wanted, but things didn't always work out the way you planned. During the waning twilight of Lori's high school career, she planned to go to a local school, study business, then get out, marry Bobby, and do…something. Open her own business, maybe, or get a job working in the office of one of the many auto factories still scattered across southern Michigan. They paid very well, you know. The work wasn't glamorous, but she didn't mind. In the lead up to college, however, things changed. She and Bobby broke up (it was no one's fault, just one of those things), and the more she thought about her future, the less she wanted to work in a factory. She was driven to succeed, and in a place like that, you can only go so far before you hit an invisible ceiling. She happened upon law school quite by accident and liked the idea. There are so many different paths you can take, and you can spend decades clawing your way to a federal judgeship, or even to the Supreme Court. There was always something to strive for, some bigger and better goal to inspire you. Lori liked that. She didn't want to peak at thirty and camp there for forty years. She wanted to keep on advancing, or to at least have the option of advancing.
Deep down, Lori was scared of stasis. She, like everyone else, aspired to the top of the mountain in every respect, but as she faced the beginning of college (and adulthood beyond), she began to realize that she had never once considered what she would actually do when she reached the summit. What can you do at the top of the mountain? Sit there? Admire the view? How long before you got tired of that and decided to go climb another mountain? She pictured herself in an office, doing the same job year after year with nothing to keep her going, no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. You know that gutted feeling you used to get on Christmas morning after you opened the last present? Imagine having that all day, everyday until you retire. That sounded like hell to Lori and she didn't want to do it. She needed something to strive for.
That was how she had come to study law in that strange city half a nation away. The buildings she lived and worked in were all ancient and covered in ivy, and in the winter, snow and ice left the concrete pathways coated with thick sheets of glass that would trip you up if you weren't careful. The brutal cold of Massachusetts winters was comforting because it reminded her of home. The summers were roughly the same, though it tended to get much hotter in the city.
Again, none of that mattered. That part of her life was over, that chapter written and closed. She wasn't sure what the next chapter would be, but she would find out when she went to write it, which was what made writing the book of life fun. She used to have her whole life planned out from start to finish, but the twists and turns of her late teens and early twenties had taught her that doing that was a fool's errand. It also showed her how magical it can be to do things on the fly. After all, it's no fun when you know what's around every bend.
And she had no idea what was around the bend now. If she had, maybe she would have turned around and gone back to Boston.
WKBBL was coming in clearer and clearer all the time and she spotted her first sign for Royal Woods. Green and metal with white lettering, it said ROYAL WOODS 25. Giddiness bubbled up in her chest and her foot unconsciously pressed harder on the gas. The bedroom communities sweeping back from the raised highway petered out, replaced by fields and forests. Lori was in familiar territory now. Every time they came back from a visit to Pop-Pop's or Aunt Ruth's, Dad would stop at that country store on the right for ice cream. That tanker car on the left, overgrown with weeds and flecked with rust, had been there, keeping watch over the interstate, for as long as Lori could remember. It wore the same graffiti that it always had. One day, she supposed, someone would come and take it away, but she couldn't imagine it not being there.
Soon, the road was carried over a lazy river by a concrete bridge. Lori put on her turn signal and got into the right lane. The window was down and warm air streamed into the car, making her blonde hair dance around her head. A song that reminded her of high school came on, and it was so fitting that someone may as well have been scoring the scene for a movie. The sole exit for Royal Woods curved off from the highway and looped around a low, barren hill. It stopped at a traffic light in the middle of nowhere. A gas station stood on one side, and the Ramada Inn on the other, a tall but blocky building made of brick and glass and servicing weary travelers who simply couldn't go on any longer. That was the only reason anyone would stay there. Royal Woods wasn't exactly a hot destination.
The light changed and Lori drove through the intersection. She followed a ribbon of two lane blacktop through the woods for a few miles. It wound through a series of foothills before cresting a ridge that looked down into Royal Woods. From up here, it was a maze of streets and buildings no different from an ant farm.
It wasn't much, especially after the bright lights and big city of Boston, but it was home.
Everything about Royal Woods was exactly as she left it. It might as well have been only a few days since she had last seen it instead of a few years.
She turned onto Franklin Avenue, and ahead was her childhood home, the big two story house with the dormers and covered front porch. Vanzilla was parked in the driveway and toys littered the front lawn. She was taken aback by how much it looked like it had the last time she saw it two years ago. It was like a snapshot in time. If she tried to touch it, she would find it flat and one dimensional, a Poloroid and not real life at all.
Slowing, she pulled into the driveway and parked next to the van. She cut the engine and it ticked as it began to cool. She threw her head back and let out a big yawn. She had been on the road nonstop since leaving Boston, stopping only to hit up drive-thrus, get gas, use the little lawyers' room, and to catch a few hours of fitful predawn sleep at a roadside rest stop. She wanted out of the car, but she also wanted to rest a little bit. Once she went through that door, her family's excitement at having her back would ensure that she wouldn't get a moment of peace until late into the night.
With another yawn, Lori threw open the door and got out. She took a deep breath of air and choked on it. She had forgotten that just because Royal Woods was small didn't mean that it didn't have its share of pollutants.
Swinging her duffle bag over her shoulder, she went up the walk, climbed the porch steps, and paused at the door. She had her key still, but should she use it? She had been gone for so long that just walking in seemed kind of…rude?
Almost like this wasn't her home anymore.
Only that was silly. Of course this was her home. It always had been and, in a way, it always would be.
She took out her key, inserted it into the lock, and twisted the handle. The first two people she met were Lynn and Luna. Luna was nineteen and still living at home while trying to make it big as a musician on YouTube (Mom had confided in Lori that she wasn't having much success). Lynn was seventeen and gearing up for her final year in school. When Lori came in, they both looked at her, and if she didn't know any better, she saw a flash of apprehension crossed both of their faces. Then they were both on their feet and greeting her with hugs. Their bodies were tense and chilly, like blocks of ice, and Lori could feel something in the air, something that she couldn't quite name. Later on, after thinking it over, she decided that the closest word for it was dread. "It's about time you showed up," Lynn said and cracked a wan smile. "Mom said you'd be here hours ago."
"I drove as fast as I could," Lori said with a laugh. Lynn and Luna were both definitely acting weird, but Lori was elated to be home and road weary from the trip, so she didn't give it much thought, couldn't give it much thought.
Luna smiled and fidgeted with her ponytail. She stole a quick and seemingly worried glance over her shoulder, and Lori followed her line of sight.
She was looking at the stairs.
Almost as if she was waiting for something terrible to happen there.
As if on cue, the telltale creak of a certain bedroom door filled the house, and Luna visibly paled. Before Lori could register her sister's odd reaction, Lincoln crept down the steps. He saw her and froze like a deer in the headlights. The change that swept over him was drastic and instantaneous. His face brightened into a happy smile and his eyes sparkled boyishly. A current of excitement zapped through him and he appeared to glow like a lamp. "Lori," he said giddily. He came down the stairs and swept Lori into a tight embrace.
Lori laughed and hugged him back. "You've gotten taller," she said.
He squeezed an oof from her.
"And stronger."
He had, indeed, gotten taller since she had last seen him, but not by much. The last time she was in Royal Woods, he was already plenty tall; she just always imagined him as he was when she left for college, a shrimpy eleven year old with girlish hands and clear skin. She was surprised every time she found that he wasn't that little boy anymore.
"I missed you," he said, still holding her tightly.
"I missed you too," she said honestly. She rubbed his back.
Lincoln took a deep breath, and Lori could almost believe that he was sniffing her.
She tried to let go, but he stuck to her like glue. He rocked her from side to side, and she laughed. "You're gonna make me fall over," she cried.
"Sorry," he said simply and continued to rock her.
A full minute passed…and it started to get kinda of extra. Not awkward or uncomfortable, just a bit over the top. "You can let me go now," she joked.
Lincoln made no move to release her. In fact, his grip on her tightened.
"Uh, Linc?"
She looked to Lynn and Luna for help just as they exchanged a worried glance. They came forward, laid their hands on his shoulders, and pried him off of her. He thrashed against them and pulled away. A deep red blush colored his face and his chest expanded and contracted as he sucked air. He looked like he had just run a marathon and was going to pass out. "Sorry," he said and smiled shakily. "I'm just really happy you're home."
Lori arched her brow critically, then shrugged it off. "I'm happy too." She looked around. "Where's Mom?"
"In the garden," Lynn said.
"There's a garden?"
"Yeah, she planted it last year," Lynn said.
Huh.
Mom had always talked about wanting to start a garden, but had never gotten around to actually doing it. She had a rosebush in the backyard but that hardly counted as a garden. "I'll show you," Lynn said. She looked at Luna and nodded up the stairs. "Tell Lincoln your new routine."
Luna gave a nod of understanding, took Lincoln by the hand, and led him up the stairs. He smiled and waved at Lori from the steps. "Bye, Lori," he said.
"Uh, bye."
The whole thing was so strange that it took Lori a few seconds to puzzle it out in her head. As she and Lynn made their way through the kitchen, Lori asked, "What's up with Lincoln?"
"Nothing," Lynn said quickly. "He's just, you know…an autistic weirdo who spends all his time alone in his room. He has the social skills of Chris Chan. It's nothing."
She spoke quickly, her words stumbling over each other in a mad dash to escape her lips. The corners of her mouth pulled up in a quick, twitchy smile that did not touch her eyes and she turned away before Lori could press the matter.
Lori's brow furrowed in confusion and she cocked her head to the side. The sense that something was off here was even stronger now. She didn't have time to reflect on it, though; they were in the backyard, walking up to their mother, who knelt before a bush in gardening gloves and a straw sun hat. "Hey, Mom," Lynn said.
"Hey, honey," Mom greeted without turning.
"We have a visitor."
Mom looked over her shoulder, saw Lori, and brightened. "You're home," she said happily. She got stiffly to her feet, dusted her knees off, and pulled Lori into a hug. "I missed you."
"I missed you too, Mom," Lori said.
Holding her at arms' length, Mom asked, "How was the drive? Are you hungry?"
"A little," Lori said.
"Come inside, come inside," Mom said, "I'll make you something to eat."
Mom, Lynn, and Lori made their way inside. Lynn wasted no time in ditching them to go upstairs, presumably to be with Lincoln and Luna. Lori looked wonderingly after and frowned in bafflement. Yes, something was strange here but she didn't know exactly what.
While Mom made lunch, Lori sat at the kitchen table with a mug of coffee. She sipped it sparingly, pausing to blow curls of steam into the ether. Mom chattered about everything under the sun, and Lori did her best to sound engaged. She thought about the scene in the living room, and about how weird Lynn, Luna, and Lincoln were acting. Lincoln was certainly happy to see her…a little too happy…but Lynn and Luna seemed more…what? What were they? What emotion did she read in their eyes?
Dread.
They were the opposite of happy that she was home.
But why?
What were they worried about?
Mom sat a plate of reheated fried chicken and mashed potatoes in front of her and sat across the table facing her. "It smells good," Lori said.
"It's a new recipe your father dreamed up," Mom said. "It has his own blend of herbs and spices."
Lori picked up the chicken and took a testing bite. She swished it back and forth in her mouth and chewed, her eyes rolling up to the ceiling in thought. She swallowed and said, "Nutmeg, turmeric, salt, peppe, and…" she trailed off, trying to identify the fifth spice.
"Cinnamon," Mom said.
They laughed.
Dad loved using cinnamon in his creations. Sometimes it didn't work (God, who could forget his cinnamon meatloaf?) and sometimes it did (cinnamon works surprisingly well in chili).
"Dad and his cinnamon," Lori said fondly. "How is he?"
"Well," Mom said with a nod, "the restaurant has been doing good business lately. He hired a new cook and stepped back from the grill." She chuckled.
Though he fancied himself a four star chef, Dad wasn't exactly the best cook in the world, and when he first opened his restaurant, he had a hard time attracting customers. This happened right before Lori left for college, and just like Lincoln was a little kid in her memories, Lynn's Table was an empty wasteland where only old people ate. From what Mom told her, he had managed to turn things around by handing the reins over to a new cook. "It hurt his feelings," Mom admitted, "but he realized it had to be done. We came this close to losing the house."
Lori missed a beat. "I didn't know it was that bad."
"We didn't say anything," Mom said. "We didn't want to worry everyone."
For that, Lori was grateful. She would have felt bad if she had known that Mom and Dad were struggling while she was sponging up money at college.
"You must be tired," Mom said when Lori was finished eating, "I made your old room up for you."
As a matter of fact, Lori was tired. Once off the road and allowed to unwind, her weariness had accumulated until it buried her.
Mom led Lori upstairs. Lori noted that all of the doors were open except for Lynn and Lucy's, As she and Mom passed, a shadow flashed across the rectangle of light seeping through the crack. Suddenly, she had the feeling that someone was watching her from the keyhole.
Lori's spine tingled.
"Here we are," Mom said.
Leni was going to a design school in Northern California and would be home for summer break in a few weeks, giving Lori the room to herself for a while. Lori didn't mind, though. She had a roommate in Boston and was looking forward to having her own space.
Mom gave her a hug and a kiss on the forehead and then left her alone to rest. Lori shut the door, dropped her duffle bag onto Leni's old bed, and sat down. She kicked her shoes off and flopped back onto her own bed, her arms thrown out on either side of her. She let loose a mighty yawn and contemplated a shower. She was grimy from the road and could really use one. She allowed her eyelids to fall closed and was just beginning to verge on dozing when a knock came at the door. She propped herself up on her elbows and blink the sleep from her eyes. "Yeah?" she asked.
The door opened and Lincoln came in. "Hey," he said.
Lori hesitated. "Hey," she said guardedly.
He stood there in the door, his hands behind his back and a big dumb grin plastered to his face. He rocked back and forth on his heels like a little girl brimming with excitement. They looked at each other for a moment, and Lori shifted uncomfortably. "I was just going to take a nap," Lori said. "Is there anything specific you needed?"
"Oh," Lincoln said, "yeah, sorry. I was just going to ask if you wanted me to bring your things in from the car."
"Don't worry about it," Lori said. "I'll get it later."
"You sure?" Lincoln asked. "It's no trouble at all."
Lori waved her hand. "Yeah, I'm not worried about it."
"Oh, okay," Lincoln said. For a minute he just stood there, then he went over to Leni's bed and sat. Lori almost kicked him out so she could nap, but she didn't have the heart to do that, so she let him stay.
He asked her all about Boston and how she felt to be back home, and she told him how New Englanders ate bread from a can, drank cheap beer from package stories, and kept parking their cars in Harvard Yard. He. in turn, caught her up with his comings and goings. Clyde had joined the basketball team the previous year and was talking about joining the Air Force after school, he went out on a few dates with Stella before she and her family moved to Canada, and he had been playing a lot of online games recently. Lori flashed back to what Lynn had said earlier about him being a weird loner, and even though she was sure Lynn had been covering for something, her heart went out to him. By his own admission, he didn't have much in the way of a social life, what with Clyde usually being too busy to hang out. Aside from the McBride boy, Lincoln had never been very close with anyone. He had pals and chums that he ate his lunch with and occasionally saw after school, but doing things with Clyde comprised most of his social life, and now that Clyde was doing other things, he was out in the cold.
Before long, Lori started to get really drowsy and gently guided him to the door (metaphorically speaking, of course). He seemed really disappointed but went without much protest. She drew the curtain, and the room dimmed considerably. She stretched out in a warm bar of sunshine falling between the curtain and the wall, and closed her eyes.
She was asleep instantly.
How long she slept, she didn't know, but when she came groggily awake, the sunlight had withdrawn from the room and the bedside lamp cast a cone of brilliance that cast everything outside of its reach in shadows. Lori blinked her eyes, and the fog slowly cleared from her mind like mist burning off in the morning sun. Like a fist, the realization that she hadn't left the light on crashed into her nose. At the same time, a stifled cough sounded behind her.
Someone was in her room.
Lori sat up with a start to find Lincoln standing on the nightstand and hanging a poster on the wall. She let out a strangled cry of alarm and he jumped a foot. The nightstand wobbled and he fell to the floor, landing hard on his ass.
"What are you doing?" she demanded.
"Sorry," Lincoln said casually and got to his feet. He dusted himself off. "I didn't mean to wake you."
"You didn't wake me," Lori cried, then shook her head. "That's not the hot topic, though. What are you doing in here?"
Lincoln beamed proudly. "I was just setting your room up for you. Look." He swept his arm out and Lori scanned the room. Despite her telling him not to worry about it, he had brought everything up from the car and unpacked it. Her books were on the shelf, her make-up was arranged on the dresser along with her jewelry box. She spotted her duffle bag lying empty on the floor, and Lincoln followed her gaze. "I folded your clothes and put them away."
For a moment, Lori just sat there, not sure if she should be touched or upset. He did come in and start messing with her things while she was asleep, but he meant no harm. "Thanks," she said.
"How'd you sleep?"
"Good," Lori said.
He smiled. "Good."
Lori nodded. Yep, He said nothing, he just watched her with those big, adoring eyes of his. "I'm gonna take a shower," she said.
"Okay," Lincoln replied. "Dinner should be ready soon."
"Great," she said.
She quickly gathered a towel and a change of clothes, and hurried into the bathroom. She stood with her back against the door for a moment, trying to compute what was going on. She was still barely awake at this point and her mind was sluggish. Giving up, she sat her clothes and her towel on the closed toilet lid, stripped naked, and jumped into the shower. The water hit her in a warm cascade, and her tired body began to relax. Forgot her loofah so she had to use her hands, but she didn't mind. She also forgot her body wash, but there was a giant bottle of communal shampoo standing on the ledge around the tub like a loyal manservant; the same brand as always, even the same scent. Lori sniffed it and a flood of memories washed over her. It was almost like time had folded in on itself and erased the past four years. If it weren't for the physical changes in her younger siblings, she could almost imagine that nothing had changed at all.
Half way through, the door hinges creaked and Lori caught a flicker of orange and white on the shower curtain. "Hey," Lincoln said.
Lori missed a beat. "...Hey," she said. "Gotta go?"
"Nope," Lincoln said, "I just wanted to talk." A mental image came to Lori, so strong that she was instantly convinced she was clairvoyant: Lincoln with his hands thrust into his pockets and his shoulders slightly hunched, rocking casually back and forth on the balls of his heels.
"This is kind of a weird time to talk," Lori said. "We can talk after dinner."
She could sense his disappointment and felt a knife twist of guilt in her guts. "Okay," he said quickly, "no problem."
The hinges creaked again, and he was gone.
Alone, Lori washed her hair, ducked her head under the spray, and rinsed it off. She cut the water, toweled off, and dressed in a pair of khaki shorts and a white tank top. In her room, she tossed her clothes into the empty laundry hamper, went to her bed, and sat down. All of these reflexes came naturally, and she hardly realized she was doing it until she noticed the hamper had been moved; her clothes lay in a heap on the floor. She chuckled at how easily she had fallen back into old habits. It really was like no time had passed.
Later, at dinner, she sat between Lana and Lola. They were nearly eleven and tall for their age, Lola ever the beauty queen and Lana still a grease monkey who loved working with her hands. Everyone battered Lori with questions and she answered all of them, asking some in turn. It felt good being in the warm and comforting midst of her family. Several times during the meal, however, she noticed Lincoln staring fixedly at her, and caught Lynn and Luna whispering to each other. Lori had only been home a couple of hours but already she was growing sick of her sisters' secrecy. She let it go, again, but she couldn't stop thinking about it. What was their deal?
She'd find out later, she reckoned.
That night, after everyone else had gone to bed, Lori sat up in bed and read a paperback by lamplight. She was still a little drowsy but her nap and shower had revived her enough that she couldn't fall asleep. Lincoln sneaked in around midnight and sat on Leni's bed. Lori marked her place in the book with a scrap of paper and sat it aside. They talked for a long time, and any awkwardness that Lori had felt earlier melted away. She had always enjoyed talking to her little bro and realized that she had missed their nightly chats.
It was nearly 3am when he finally wandered off to bed. Lori turned the lamp out and curled up under the covers. Maybe she was being paranoid. Maybe there was nothing strange going on…at least not with the others. If anyone was a little off, it was bound to be her. She was readjusting to a life that she hadn't lived in four years and was somewhere at the crossroads of her future. It wouldn't be a stretch to say that she was reading too much into things. Lynn and Luna had probably grown closer in her absence, and Lincoln was clearly reaching out to her from a place of loneliness and isolation. Didn't they pay any attention to him? Or did they ditch him and forget about him? She didn't know but she feared that her little brother was being left behind in the dust of their sisters' lives.
She'd make time for him, she decided, and they'd become bffs.
Sleep stole over her quickly, and if she heard the muttering from the other side of the hall, where Lincoln's room was, she mistook it for the wind. She did not hear the restless creaking of the floorboards as he paced back and forth, raking his hands through his sweaty hair and silently raging, nor did she feel his gaze on her when he crept into the room and stood quietly over her at 5am.
In her sleep, Lori was at peace, and dead to the world.
The next few days were trying for Lori Loud. For one thing, she had to acclimate to living at home again, which didn't come as easily as she thought it would. Her plan had been to take a few weeks off before worrying about making any big moves, but she became restless and impatient. She started looking for a job the very next day, keeping an eye out for openings where she could use her degree and for ones that were available right now. She might have to waitress or something until she could find something in her field. That was fine, she didn't mind it.
For another, Lincoln wouldn't leave her alone. He insisted on following her around like a lost puppy dog and doing things for her. Every time she went to sit down, he'd pop out of nowhere and pull her chair out for her; he brought her trinkets from Flip's, like a little rose in a glass tube; and begged her to let him do her chores for her. One night, she came out of her room to find him randomly walking the hall and muttering to himself. He had no reason to be out there, and the distant look in his eyes unsettled her. Another time, she came into her room to find him redecorating it. She snapped at him to get out, but felt bad about it afterwards. She went to his room later and they sat up talking most of the night again.
Slowly, from the way he spoke and the things he said, it became apparent to her that something wasn't quite right with him. She had seen plenty of kids at college high on drugs, and she was certain that Lincoln was using something. Occasionally he'd ramble about random things, and thoughts would get jumbled in his head, coming out in a meaningless word salad. He kept a framed photo of her by his bed, and she witnessed him kissing it when he thought she wasn't looking. Every time she got out of the shower, he was at the bathroom door, waiting like an eager pet, and he would start talking the moment she appeared. His room was dirty and strewn with clothes and junk that you had to step over in order to navigate. He didn't seem to care, or even to notice.
Four days after getting home, she asked her mother about him. They were sitting at the kitchen table over coffee, and Mom looked mildly uncomfortable. "Lincoln's had a hard time at school," Mom said at length, as though the words pained her. "He's just happy you're home."
"I think there's something else going on," Lori said. "I think he's taking drugs."
Mom forced a wan smile. "I doubt that. Lincoln's a good boy. He wouldn't do anything like that."
Lori tried to convince Mom something was wrong, but Mom changed the subject. That only made Lori more suspicious.
That night, Lori was in bed reading when the next door neighbor's dog went crazy barking. She got up and peered out the window. In the backyard, Lincoln stood drenched in moonlight, staring up at the sky and grinning to himself. A chill came over Lori and she hugged herself.
It was the next day when she noticed a few pairs of her underwear missing. She put four pairs in the hamper but when she washed and dried them, she only had one. She was baffled and couldn't say where they had gone. That was also the day Lincoln asked if he could sleep in Leni's old bed because he was lonely.
Lori flatly turned him down.
Her suspicion that Lincoln was on drugs grew and since Mom wouldn't listen, she went to Lynn and Luna, cornering them in the living room one day. Lynn and Luna were closer to him than anyone else. They were always taking him to the park or going into his room to hang out with him. It seemed that half the time when Lincoln sought out Lori, they appeared within five or ten minutes to pull him away. And if it wasn't them, it was Mom; she always had him working in the kitchen or in the garden, and Lori couldn't shake the feeling that she was trying to keep him busy.
"I know there's something up with Lincoln," she said. "And I know you're involved. What gives?"
They both looked nervous. "Nothing," Lynn said. "I told you, he's kind of a neckbeard weirdo type. Lots of people are, it's no big deal."
"He doesn't get out much," Luna agreed. "Not getting out much will make anyone a little strange. Me and Sam are working on getting him out of his shell."
"Are you the ones getting him high too?" Lori demanded.
Luna looked at her with genuine incredulity. "What?"
"He's using drugs," Lori said. "What is it? Pot? Pills? Crack cocaine?"
Luna and Lynn looked at each other…then laughed.
Lori couldn't help the feeling that she was being stonewalled by both them and Mom. No one was taking this seriously and she couldn't understand why. She resolved to find out on her own, so the next day, while Lincoln was at school, she sneaked into his room to investigate. She went through all of his things looking for drugs.
What she found was far worse.
Under his mattress, she found the three pairs of underwear she was missing along with a Playboy. He had cut out and pasted pictures over the face of each model.
Pictures of her face.
In his closet was a Helga Pataki style shrine to her. Pictures, articles of clothing, a clump of her hair from the drain, even some of her chewing gum. Horror and revulsion filled her and she fled back to her own room, cold and shaken. Her mind raced with a million and one questions and she tried to sort out her thoughts and emotions. She found that she couldn't, so she went to her mother. Mom was in the kitchen and before Lori reached the archway leading into it, she heard her mother's voice.
She was on the phone.
"...we've been doing everything we can to keep him away from her, but I don't think it's working."
Lori's heart jolted, and she pressed her back against the wall, listening.
"...I don't think it's going to get any better but I want to hold off on medication. Can I bring him by this afternoon?"
Mom listened for a minute. "Okay, thank you, Dr. Lopez."
Lori slunk back to her room and went over the conversation in her head. Dr. Lopez? That name sounded familiar…and she doubt he or she was a general practitioner. She looked up listings for Dr. Lopez on Google and it all came back to her.
That was the shrink Clyde used to see.
Suddenly it all made sense. Lincoln wasn't on drugs. He had something else wrong with him…something more serious.
Dazed and afraid, Lori left the house before Lincoln got home and wandered aimlessly to the park, where she sat on a bench near the basketball court, A group of high school boys played a game and Lori stared vacantly into space, mentally putting together everything she knew and suspected. At one point, the ball went over the fence and rolled up to her like a doggo saying hello. A lank, shirtless black boy with short hair ran over to get it, and when he saw her, he did a double take. "Lori?"
She looked at him, confused. "Yes?"
"Hey," he said, "remember me?"
In an instant, she did. The short hair and lack of glasses had thrown her off. It was Clyde. "Oh, hey," she said, "I didn't recognize you."
"Most people who haven't seen me lately don't," he said with a grin. "How's it going?"
They talked for a while. He threw the ball to his friends and sat next to her so that they could catch up. When he was a kid, he had the world's biggest - and creepiest - crush on her, but she didn't sense that now. He confirmed that he had gotten over her when he mentioned how he "used to like you" and said "I was pretty cringe."
She broached the subject of Lincoln and how they had fallen out of touch when Clyde started playing basketball, and Clyde grimaced a little. "That's not exactly how it happened," he said.
"How did it happen?" she asked.
He took a deep breath and told her. Apparently, he and Lincoln were as close as ever up until two years ago, when Lincoln started "acting funny." He never wanted to hang out anymore and spent most of the time they were together talking about Lori. Clyde admitted this grudgingly, almost like he was afraid of getting Lincoln in trouble. "At first it was normal stuff, like how he missed you and was proud you were doing so well, but after a while…" Clyde shrugged. "I honestly don't know what happened. He got to the point where he just, like, couldn't function."
Lincoln had been seeing Dr. Lopez for a year and was getting better, Clyde said. That assessment came from Lynn, but he could confirm that Lincoln was doing better in school.
Lori listened to all of this in a daze, and when Clyde was done, she pressed a woebegone hand to her forehead. "I feel so terrible," she said. "Like it's my fault."
"It's not," Clyde said. "In fact, I think it's not even really about you."
She looked at him. "What do you mean?"
He collected his thoughts for a moment. "I think he loves you a lot, as a sister. He really looks up to you and always went to you for advice and stuff. You were the closest thing to a big brother he had and he always really wanted one. When you left, he missed you, and that left kind of a hole in his life. You were on his mind a lot and when…you know…things started to go wrong, things got kind of twisted. Like…have you ever had a certain food and then gotten sick later on, completely unrelated to that food, but that food is the last thing you ate, so you get really adverse to it? That's what I think happened with him. His problems were organic and were going to present themselves either way. He just happened to be thinking of you a lot, and his perception of you and his emotions toward you got twisted."
Lori considered what Clyde was saying, and nodded to herself. That made a lot of sense, but she still couldn't help feeling as though she were responsible for Lincoln's illness. "What should I do?' she asked.
Clyde was silent for a long time. "I don't know," he finally admitted. "There's no easy answer. I think he needs to understand that you're not interested in him. Maybe hearing that, and having his obsession made real, will kind of snap him out of it."
They parted ways shortly thereafter, and Lori returned home. She decided to take his advice and called Lincoln into her room after dinner. His happy face dimmed when she started to talk. "I know how you feel about me, Lincoln," she said. "I know about your…problems. I'm not mad or upset or anything. I'm just worried about you. I love you as a brother, Lincoln, you're an amazing guy, but I don't love you like…that. And you shouldn't love me like that either. That kind of love is a messy thing. Family love is eternal and unconditional. If you cross the two, it'll only cause disaster."
He favored her with a blank look. "I love you, Lori," he said. "You're the light of my life. I would be nothing without you."
"Lincoln, please."
"You're my angel, my saving grace, I'm going to make you my wife."
"Lincoln…" Lori sighed.
"You think it won't happen but it will. You'll see, you'll all see. I'm the perfect man for you. I was made for you like a glove. I'm a glove. You're a hand. You can't deny it, Lori, you have five fingers and nice nails. You pick things up. I put them down."
"Lincoln, you're talking out of your head."
Lincoln's face darkened. "I'm talking about life. Don't you get it?" He threw his arms out on either side of him. "We're life and we're not going anywhere. We're staying right here and life was created to live. You're living, I'm living, if we fall in love, that's just all the more."
A frenzied look crept into his eyes and his voice rose. Lori started to get scared; She had never been scared of him before but she was then. A knock came at the door, and Lynn and Luna came in. Luna rushed Lincoln away and Lynn glared at Lori. "What did you do?"
"Nothing," Lori said, "I just told him that I'm not in love with him."
Lynn's eyes hardened. "Real nice, Lori."
"You should have told me instead of trying to hide what's going on with him," Lori said defensively.
Lynn sighed, shook her head, and left.
Now Lori felt bad.
She had the feeling that she made a huge mistake.
Later that night, she realized just how big a mistake she made. She woke past midnight to the sound of Lincoln screaming. Lynn, Luna, Lisa, and Lucy stood in the hall trying to talk to him. Dressed in only underwear and socks, he raged around his room, knocking things over, jumping on the bed like a monkey, and screaming unintelligible curses. He threw a shoe and it hit Lucy in the face. Mom cried and Dad tried to talk him down, but Lincoln only got worse. Finally, Mom called the police, and two sheriff's deputies showed up. They tried to talk to Lincoln, but he tried to attack them, so they wrestled him to the ground. Lincoln shook and screamed so viciously that spittle flew from his lips.
They dragged him to his feet and led him away, and now, Lori too, cried.
Two months later, Mom and Dad drove everyone to the Central Michigan Mental Health Center to visit Lincoln. Lori was apprehensive and wanted to stay back, but Mom convinced her to go. "He's doing much better," Mom said, "and seeing you might help."
After being arrested, Lincoln was released and committed to a state run psych hospital under Michigan's Johnson Act. He was taking medication and going to therapy, and Mom said he would be ready to come home by the end of July.
The hospital was a drab building in the middle of the countryside. There were bars on the windows and the tiled hallways were cold and utilitarian. They went through a security checkpoint and then to a dayroom where patients in gowns and sweats talked to family members. Lincoln sat at a metal table in a pair of sweatpants and a white T-shirt. A plastic bracelet was around one wrist and he looked thinner. When she saw him, Lori's heart broke. He smiled at them and got up for a round of hugs. "How are you doing, honey?" Mom asked.
"Better," Lincoln said and nodded, "I'm ready to get out of here and come back home. I miss good food." He laughed.
They all talked for a while. The tension between him and Lori was palpable and Lori thought he was going to keep ignoring her. Finally, he turned to her and spoke, not meeting her eyes. "I'm sorry about, you know…everything I did. I didn't mean to, I just…" he trailed off and pressed his quivering lips together.
Lori reached out and took his hand. "It's okay," she said. "I know you didn't."
"I feel awful," he said. "And embarrassed."
"Don't be," Lori said, "we all have issues sometimes. The important thing is getting better and being happy."
Lincoln smiled, and Lori swore she could see the old Lincoln in his now non-fevered eyes.
It wouldn't happen overnight, but things would get better, Lincoln, and his family too, would heal and move on from this.
He was right about one thing.
We're life…and we're not going anywhere.