I once had a lover. That's all I allow myself to remember. The memory was too much to bear.
I woke up shivering, my head still reeling from the night before. A blurry face in a crimson haze flashed across my mind. But just as quickly as they appeared, they were gone. Out of sight. Out of mind.
I had the worst kink in my neck. Sleeping with my head against a desk did a number on my body. My stiff muscles ached, crying out in pain as I lifted myself from my seat. Even with popping joints and tense muscles, a low reverberation of pleasure echoed just below my stomach. I shuddered, trying to stay focused on the task at hand. Loki wanted me to touch him today. A real touch.
Could it be that he trusts me with his secrets? Was there something special he wanted to show me? Did he want to try and strengthen our connection? Was he just trying to get inside my head again
As I dressed for the day, my mind frantically swirled with possibilities-and consequences.
Sitting on my nightstand, overlooked before today, was an innocent orange bottle with a locked white cap. Small enough to fit in my hand, half filled with pink diamond shaped pills. They sat beside a glass of water.
If Loki could look inside my mind and manifest my emotion, how likely was it that he might manifest my depression? There was a cloudy flash of crimson again. I blocked it out. I didn't want to remember. Not yet. Not now. I dug into my coat pocket and slipped my leather gloves over my hands. Deep breaths. It'll be okay. I told myself this half a dozen times before dragging myself through doorway and out into the hall.
I was surprised to find two agents waiting for me. A man and woman, both equally intimidating. I don't think I could ever get over how scary S.H.I.E.L.D. agents were. They were like cops in the sense they always made me feel like I was in trouble, even when I wasn't have strange imaginary affairs with enemies of the Earth.
The duo startled me. I gasped when I noticed them, standing like navy blue statues with weapons. "Good morning, Miss. Bright," the man said with an unusually friendly face.
"Good morning," I replied nervously.
"Agent Hanna has requested your prescience before your morning evaluation with the prisoner. Come with us," the woman gestured down the hallway.
My heart dropped. Panic settled in its place. "Is there a problem?" I asked timidly.
"We don't have any information, ma'am. You just need to come with us," the man tried to keep his smile, but it faltered. Whatever nerves he was trying to quell became a jumbled mess.
I couldn't read either of them. They were both calm, collected, and reserved. They gave off a dutiful aura. Perfectly preserved emotions, only showing in facial expression, of which they only had two. Forced-friendliness and stoic. We marched to the lower floor of Avenger's tower. Eventually it stops being a sleek and fancy facility and turns into an industrial prison-like complex. Expert interior design and minimalist artwork is exchanged for exposed metal pipes and cold steel walls. This is where Hanna did most of her work, especially now as Loki become her only priority. His cell was down here. She wanted to stay close.
Her office was a poorly-remodeled storage room. Cabinets and metal framed shelves filled with cardboard boxes were pushed against the walls to make room for Hanna's desk. It was a simple fold out table with a plan swivel chair. The desk held tidy piles of various paperwork, files and folders packed tightly together in an office box, and a state-of-the-art computer, as well as Agent Hanna herself. She was flipping through pages filled with my handwriting. Notes taken from the last few days. She didn't speak for a while. Her head was held in one hand as she flipped back and forth between pages, scanning, sighing, and then searching again. She flipped the folder closed and raised her head towards me. Her eyes were like coal. A pupil surrounded by an inky black halo. Cold and dark.
The silence was awful. "Good morning, Agent Hanna," I said. I did my best to sound cheerful. Don't be suspicious, echoed in my head like a mantra. Maybe if I heard it in Loki's voice, I'd obey.
"You've gotten close with the prisoner," Hanna stated bluntly.
Thunk. I felt my heart sink like an anchor, crashing into the pits of my stomach. I shook my head. "What makes you say that?"
Hanna's eyes glanced at the agents who brought me in. "Excuse us a moment."
They left immediately. Leaving me alone with her and my troubled nerves. I clenched the dossier in my arms, pressing it firmly against my chest. It was the only thing keeping me grounded. I touched the smooth manila folder and ran my thumb against the uneven stack of paper inside. Hanna reopened her notes, searching quickly for something.
"Day One: 'His fear is something I've never experienced before. I felt a numbing cold consume my body. Like being submerged in frozen waters. It was dark here. Crashing into a frozen lake filled with black ink. Its in my veins, clutching my heart with frigid bony fingers. A reaper's grasp. The kind of cold that rips the air from your lungs. This is loss, this is grief, this is true pain.'" she recited before skipping to another page. "Day Three: Loki responded positively to our excursion. He handled the human public with no trouble and settled into the establishment I chose nice. I can say with confidence that he enjoyed our day together. He exuded joy. I think further humane treatment will do wonders for his development,'" she closed the folder and glanced at me. "You were able to take him from icy despair to 'joy' within three days. I'd assume that means you've been able to get close to him."
I sighed in relief. "I suppose." I tried to smile but my face was too tense.
"I'm not praising you, Miss. Bright," Hanna snapped, "there's nothing in your notes that's useful to S.H.I.E.L.D. There's no information on why he's here. What his plans are now that he's on Earth. You haven't helped us locate Thor. You did, however, detail how the prisoner enjoyed baking cookies with his mother. Awww," she sighed sarcastically.
"Well, it's only been three days, ma'am. I need more time to gain his trust and carefully extract that sort of information," I stammered.
"We might not have time!" she yelled.
The room surged with a furious heat. My jaw tightened as my fingernails dug into the dossier. This was her anger, seeping into me. Deep breaths. Deep-fucking-breaths. I closed my eyes and tried to pull soft calming air into my body, expelling the inherited aggression. It only made her angrier.
"I need you to listen, Elaina," Hanna sighed with irritation, "Loki Laufeyson is a top level security threat that's invaded Earth, again. You have to find out why. For all we know, he's hidden a bomb in the Earth's core and he's just waiting for it to explode while you take him out on breakfast dates and talk about cookies. We can get information out of him without you, but it won't be pretty. Do you understand?"
I felt tears well up in my eyes. Any joy I reserved from last night was gone. I was just angry and ashamed. I nodded at Hanna, sinking into myself.
"Good. You have four days to give us something useful or we take care of him ourselves. Get out," she ordered.
The agents came back to escort me to Loki's cell. I didn't want to go. I didn't want him to see me like this. The tears stung my eyes as I tried to keep them at bay. I wiped them away a few times, but they kept coming back. There was a hollow drumming in my chest. A quiet ache where my heart should've been. I held onto to a single breath, hoping it would help, but it didn't.
Loki's room was full of delight. It felt like spring. The air was light and fragrant, like there were flower petals dancing around us. It was warm and inviting. He sat at the table, greeting me with a small, but tender smile. I still couldn't shake the shame.
His face fell when he noticed mine. I sat down as the door behind me slammed shut. The sound made me jump, releasing a single tear. It slid down my cheek with betrayal. Quickly, I flicked it away.
"Sorry, this is so unprofessional," I tried to chuckle convincingly, but Loki saw through my mask.
His face was hard as stone. Lips pressed together as he clenched his jaw. "Did something happen?"
I forced a smile. "Nothing to concern yourself with. Just dumb work stuff." I waved my hand, trying to cast it aside, but the pain was immense.
Loki slinked back into his chair and gazed at the camera. My shoulders became tense as my heart raced. Anger. His anger this time.
"You know, I quite like you," he started, eyes still fixed on the cameras, "you've been kind to me. You've treated me like a person and not a monster. I appreciate that. Truly. Allow me to repay the kindness,"
My stomach twisted into knots as my chested became tight. My face was hot like I opened an oven. I dug my nails into my palms in a tense fist. What was this? It went beyond anger. There were times when I wanted to throw a punch at someone. I've definitely thrown objects at walls after an argument, but this was more. This was terrifying. If I felt this way organically, I don't know what I'd be capable of. It felt like my skin was suffocating me. The air was replaced with fire and I was drinking it like wine. If I wasn't wearing gloves, I could've pierced my skin with my nails. Yet, Loki sat so calmly. The only indication of his rage was a like perk in his cheek as his teeth clasped together. I knew what lurked beneath his cool exterior.
Deep breaths.
"That won't be necessary," I said through pursed lips. "I appreciate the sentiment, but I'd rather you repay me with some information."
Loki's eyes fell on me, sharp as daggers and fierce as flames. "What would you like to know?" he asked. His voice was tense with ire, yet smooth and comforting.
"I feel like a broken record," I joked. "What brought you to Earth? I know you said that you just happened to be here, but I get the feeling that's not true."
He looked at me for a white. His eyes flickered with questions he was answering in his head as he silently processed the violent rage he'd just experienced. I did my best to look busy, scribbling down vague notes about his temper. Loki ran his thumb against his lip, engrossed in thought.
"I don't want to tell you," he finally muttered. I sank into my chair, absolutely defeated. "I want to show you, Miss. Bright."
Loki extended a hand across the table. His naked palm inviting mine. The leather gloves squeaked loudly as I tensed my fist again. I wanted to. So much of me wanted to take his hand like lovers do. But there was that sliver. Some would call it logic, fear, or trauma, but it was a loud, but small, piece of me that screamed in protest. I put my hands on the table.
"Gloves?" Loki asked with a quirked eyebrow. "Are you scared, little bunny?" he teased, but there was pain hiding below his remark.
"When we touched last time, I was able to look inside you. Some would call it your soul, your mind, or whatever. It was an intense experience that I don't have with people here. I couldn't tell you the science behind it, but you effect my empathy in a way that scares me. I'm scared of the consequences that could arise," I admitted bravely.
Loki's fingers curled slowly into his palm. "Are you scared of me?" he asked.
Ice surrounded my heart. "No," I replied quickly.
"Am I too much 'baggage' for you?" he sneered.
It felt like my chest was being picked apart slowly. Sharp nails sank into my chest and plucked tender chunks of flesh, like petals off a flower. Was this my pain? Could it be his?
"No, it's not that, I just-" the words were lost in my throat, choking me.
The room was cold. Too cold. Sharp and bitter air nipped at my skin like vultures tasting their next meal. The hands inside my chest continued to pluck and weed the frozen garden surrounding my heart.
"I had a lover once," I slipped.
Crimson haze appeared behind Loki. No one could see it but me. It was a dark red cloud that formed the shape of a tall man. Deep breaths. There were so many things I wanted to say, but they just got stuck. They formed a thick chord around my neck and spilled along my spine before being hoisted into the air. The crimson man watched as I choked. His face blurred behind scribbled ink and bloody mist.
Loki leapt over the table as my body fell to the floor. I fell into his leather clad arms like a sack of rocks. His face filled my vision. I couldn't breathe. Was I really choking? My head felt heavy. My hearing disappeared into muffled words and distant noise. Loki was saying something. Yelling it really. Cold skin caressed my cheek. Crimson haze flooded my eyes before exploding into darkness. Then there was nothing.