Content/Trigger Warning: This chapter deals heavily with depression, abuse, gaslighting, self-harm, mental illness, and suicide. Please keep that in mind while reading forward and remember to take your own mental health into consideration before pressing on. Don't put yourself into a situation that will make you uncomfortable and bring up painful memories. Lastly, your life is worth living. You're beautiful, wonderful, and I'm happy that you're here.

I was falling. I wondered blindly through the darkness and unknowingly stepped off the precipice. I held my breath, bracing for impact. It was like crashing into cement. I hit the inky black surface and was quickly sucked below its depths. I was numb. I was cold. A small twinkling light hung high above the surface, shimmering like a star against a black abyss. I reached for it. Pushing through the freezing current, I stretched my arm up above my head. Ice piercing my skin.

A warm arm coiled around my chest. Another around my stomach. I knew this heat. Hot blood pouring over cold skin. It was him. He held me close, pressed against his hollow chest. I kicked and pulled, fighting the thick viscous water that surrounded me. The star-my star-was vanishing. He was dragging me down. Deeper into the frozen lake. His murky crimson arms wrapped around me like a vice. Down we went. Darkness clouding my vision.

I saw blurry glimpses of a woman, beautiful and regal. Her caramel brown hair was twisted in elegant braids, secured with golden jewels. She was wise, powerful, and kind. Her eyes power blue eyes shimmered with golden flecks of warm sunshine. She smiled a mother's smile. Pride and love. She disappeared in a crimson cloud.

"This is where you belong," the figured hissed in my ear. His words like venom, scorching my veins. "Don't ever leave me."

"No!" I screamed, muffled by the ichor flooding into my mouth. "I can't go back there," I thought.

I watched my star shimmering lazily until there was nothing left.

Loki watched her collapse as she gasped for breath. He didn't think, he just acted. Instinctively, he kicked his chair out and leapt over the white table, arms stretched.

"Elaina!" he shouted, catching her just before she hit the hard floor. "Elaina?" he called.

Her lips were turning blue. Her face was flushed, and her body trembled in his arms. He ran his hand against her cheek and cupped her face. She was burning hot. Blood rushing to her head. It was like she was being strangled. She was suffocating. As their skin met, Loki felt a glimpse of her agony.

His throat became tight as a scorching hot vice wrapped around his neck. His chest rattled with panic. His eyes stung with fresh tears. They cascaded down his cold pale cheeks like rain. This pain. It was hot and heavy like molten lead was burning through his veins. His body stiffened, holding her tighter.

Guards and agents poured into the room, surrounding them with loaded arms. They yelled commands, but Loki couldn't hear them. His ears were full of the throbbing rush of blood. "Help her!" he cried pasted their orders.

Two guards ripped her from his arms and carried her away on a white stretcher. Agent Hanna marched up to Loki. He didn't have a chance to talk. He couldn't move. She touched his forehead with the tips of her fingers. A shimmering black fog danced over his skin, like ink mixed with glitter. It ensnared him. Soothed him. For just a moment there was calm. Loki collapsed to the floor unconscious. His mind flooded with memories, but they weren't his.

In the black fog his mind, he saw her. Elaina. Young and smiling as she sat in an unfamiliar bed. She wore a large shirt that slinked off her shoulder and stopped just at her thigh. Her eyes danced with delight as she watched a man with a white guitar strum their strings with skillful fingers. A sweet romantic melody echoed through a large black box, soaking her ears in a delicate song.

The man's face was a blur. A fervent mess of scribbles. As if someone scratch his face out of a yearbook. He had long curly locks of chestnut colored hair that hung just above his shoulders. His exposed skin was sun-kissed and decorated in colorful tattoos. Elaina's scent lingers on him Loki watched him enchant her with song.

"I had a lover once," echoed in his head, followed by a dull ache in his chest.

The man plucked slowly as he hummed the ending of his song. Elaina's happiness seemed to fill the room like sunshine. She clapped loudly, yelling, "Encore!" in a teasing voice.

"What is this?" Loki asked. His voice was silent as a breeze, carried away to an ethereal plane.
He watched as the stranger crawled over the bed like an animal, growling before taking Elaina's mouth in his. A wide-open kiss with dominant tongue. She kissed him back hesitantly. Her hands on his dark furry chest. She was pushing. He was pushing back.

"Andy," Elaina chuckled, breaking their kiss with a nervous smile, "I have to go."

"Five more minutes," he demanded.

Rage filled Loki's veins as the man gripped her thighs. His tattooed fingers slithered into her hair and gripped the back of her head, deepening their kiss. Had he always been the jealous type?

"Andy," Elaina whined with a weak smile, breaking their kiss once more. He kissed down her neck, nipping at her. She craned her head, revealing a series of blotchy red and purple bruises the size of fingerprints. "Andrew," she grumbled.

The man with no face pulled away and sighed bitterly. "Whatever," he huffed.

He pushed himself off the bed and hastily pulled on his clothes.

"You're upset?" Elaina pointed out.

"Of course, I'm upset," he spewed like venom to her ears.

She winced, physically feeling his hostility grow. It was like acid corroding her heart, which was drenched in anxiety. Loki couldn't see the man's eyes, but he could see hers. Wet with the verge of tears and wide with fear. The man said nothing. He didn't have to. She could feel everything, and it was tearing her up inside. Somehow, Loki could feel it to. The subtle shattering of a fragile heart. This wasn't the Elaina he'd come to know. This a soft, naïve, and delicate girl. She was like a porcelain doll who fell in love with a bull.

"I'm sorry," Elaina muttered. She hung her head in shame and timidly covered her shoulder, pulling her knees to her chest.

"Don't do that," he sighed in exasperation. "Don't make me feel bad. You rejected me. Stop feeling sorry for yourself," he said, shaking his head before fading into darkness like a mist.

The scene began to fade with a dark vignette. Elaina pulled out of view, but Loki could hear her quietly sobbing as her figure vanished. Powerless to help.

He was suddenly standing in a small bathroom with black and white checkered tiled floor. The sound of running water splashing into an empty bathtub. Robin's egg-colored walls emerged from a cloud of darkness that dispersed like smoke. Loki saw her standing in front of a white ceramic sink, her sobs muffled by her own hand she had clasped over her mouth. It hurt to see her face so stained with tears. Black streaks of mascara drying over a blue and yellow bruise around her watery eyes. In the distance, there was incoherent yelling. Fists drumming on the white wooden door like hammers.

Her heart was breaking. The cracks around her frail heart spread like a spider web, on the verge of crumbling. There was so much pain. She felt poisoned. She left lost and utterly alone. Loki found himself suppressing his own tears. A vice like grip wrapped around his own soul. It was like he was made of glass and this cold hand was threatening to destroy him.

Bang! Bang! Bang! The door trembled in its frame as heavy hands slammed against it. "Open the fucking door!" a man yelled.

"Go away!" Elaina screamed. A surge of sorrow radiated through the air. Loki could see the dense fog of grief emit from her body and billow out and collide with anyone who was there to feel it.

"I understand that you're a little emotional right and I know that you think I hurt you on purpose, but you need to calm down and fucking talk to me, Elaina!" the man's voice was louder and sharp with fury.

"I just want to die," Elaina whispered to herself. "Just make it stop, please," she wept.

Another surge of grief and pain. Sharp as a dozen knives piercing his body, Loki choked back tears. He reached out to hold her, but his arms passed through her like smoke. He could feel the thin steel against his wrist as she pressed the razor to own. Her vein pulsing quickly.

"I didn't mean it!" the man cried. His voice was shaking. "Elaina! God damn it. God damn it!"

"Go away!" Elaina screamed once more. Another plume of despair, a potent telepathic force that knocked Loki to the ground.

The banging stopped. "Fine. If you think I'm such a monster. I'll just leave!" he shouted. His voice was weak, quivering with shared heartbreak.

She listened to his excessive stomps disappear. A door slammed shut. She looked at herself in the mirror, pushing tears away with violet wrists. Small dots of blood fell into the sink. She dropped the razor feeling nothing but numb. She turned off the water and dressed the meager wound with a hand towel. Somber tears rolled down her flushed cheeks as she starred off into the great beyond behind the mirror, into the past and all the little moments that lead to this great misery. Every kiss that lingered with the bitter taste of regret. All the ruttish touching that that scarred her body. She looked briefly into the future, finding her crystal ball grow cloudy and woeful.

Elaina sat on the cold checkered tile, inhaling deep apprehensive breaths that made her chest shudder. Loki sat beside her. A phantom within her memory. The quiet was welcomed but haunting all the same. After some silent contemplation, Elaina pulled herself off the floor and began her descent back into her lover's room. A few steady breaths before she reached for the doorknob. She prepared herself for the abundance of insults and hurtful words she was going to spit her way. Elaina steeled herself. Turning the knob with deadened eyes.

Past the threshold was the scribbled faced man sitting on his bed. She'd just opened the door when he whispered, "I just want to die."

Elaina looked up at him, the words swirling around her throat like a noose.

BANG!

A flash of white. Like a small explosion in the palm of his hand. A splash of crimson painted the ceiling as fragments of white bone fell to the floor like dust. Loki couldn't believe what he had witnessed. What she had witnessed. Guilt ravaged her body like a plague. The room disintegrated to ash and black smoke as she collapsed to the floor screaming.

When he woke up, he was alone in his cold dark room. Arms and legs handcuffed to the bed. Agent Hanna sitting at the table, smiling.

Before the depths could swallow me whole, I awoke with a jolt. I sat up straight, coughing, choking, and gasping for air. Bright fluorescent lights blinded me. I felt like I was staring into the sun.

"Whoa, whoa. Slow down there, kiddo," a soothing voice called to me. A hand wrapped in a latex glove slowly guided me back down to the hospital-styled bed I was laying in.

His face came into focus through squinting eyes and panicked breathing. Dark curly hair and distinguished features befitting the kind face of Dr. Banner. He smiled at me. The ceiling lights illuminating an angelic glow around his head. A stethoscope dangled around his neck.

"What happened?" I asked in a dazed voice.

Banner sucked air through his teeth and pulled up a chair. "We called it a 'panic attack', but honestly, we don't know. Given your abilities and how they manifest, it could've been one of the biggest panic attacks I've ever seen, personally, but I don't know," he shrugged and twisted his lips, unsatisfied with his answer.

Memories came flooding back. My head hurt and my chest went tight.

"Is Loki okay?"

"He's in his cell. Because he rushed to you and touched you without authorization, Hanna advised that he be confined to his room for the time being. Other than that, he's fine. I examined him myself," Dr. Banner replied.

"Are you a medical doctor?"

He smiled and shrugged playfully, "I might have a degree or two laying around somewhere. Now, I have to ask you some questions. Are you going to be able to handle that?"

I nodded, ashamed of how I acted before. Winding up in the sick bay because of my stupid emotions. Letting Loki get that close to me. Making him feel like he needed to rescue me. He touched me. I hope he's really okay. If what I experienced while unconscious was just a glimpse of his holding inside, then maybe I shouldn't dig much deeper. For my own sake. Maybe even for his.

Banner brandished a clipboard and a pen. He asked me the usual questions. Did I have a history with depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues? Was I aware of any symptoms within the last two weeks? Was I on any medication? Was I taking my medication? It felt weird disclosing all of this to an Avenger. I couldn't picture him as a medical professional, even with the stethoscope. Regardless, I told him everything I could. My depression, my anxiety disorder, and my history with self-harm and abuse. Dr. Banner just nodded knowingly. Smiling when appropriate. It was awkward and difficult, but somehow, he managed to make it an okay experience. Surprisingly, Bruce Banner of all people helped me feel calm and relaxed. I guess he's the expert on dealing with negative emotions.

He jotted down his notes, smiled, and then gave me his professional advice. "You need to relax for a few days. Take some time to yourself and get away from this mess. I'm requiring that you take a vacation from this Loki business for the time being and see a therapist once a week."

"I can't do that," I protested, shaking my head. "Hanna told me that if I didn't get information soon, she'd get it another way. I don't want to put him through an inquisition."

Dr. Banner scoffed, cocking a smile to the side. "This is Loki we're talking about, Elaina. You think he'd give you the same courtesy if you were in his holding cell? No. He'd probably peel your fingernails off one by one and throw you in an iron maiden. The guy is a psychopath, kid," he explained, growing more irritated with each word. He took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I understand that you care about the guy, given your connection. It probably feels personal, like you've bonded over shared experiences and emotions, but you should know that this guy is a grade A narcissist. A god king in his own mind. I'm telling you, don't worry about Loki," he finished.

"You're wrong," I objected, "I think he deserves a chance."

Dr. Banner shook his head in disbelief. He didn't believe me, but he didn't want to argue. He just sighed and bit the inside of his cheek. "I'm going to ask that staff keep you here for today. Tomorrow you can head back to your room, and I'll talk with Hanna about your investigation. I'll let her know what you said. Just...get some rest, kid," he sighed. He was tired and annoyed.

With that he left me alone with my thoughts.