A/N: I'm re-editing this story because stupid FanFiction edited all the line break things awayXDXD so if you don't see any A/N's: They have been there onceXD
2. Hesitation
BANG
A shot.
A shot that could be heard all through the suburb where a young man was lost.
A sharp, echoing shot that made people stop to turn in the direction where they thought it came from.
A heart-freezing shot that could break skulls, cut honey-brown hairs and send a pretty genius' brains and mind into nothingness.
Yagami Light gasped, feeling weak as his face turned a deathly pale. The sound of the explosion made everything stop. Light thought he saw his eyelids fall in front of his eyes, as he seemed to blink in slow-motion.
And then, the metallic clack of a gun falling down on the stones a few meters behind Light. He opened his eyes. Everything slowly moved again. Time continued; the sounds of the suburb were still there.
He slowly looked around, feeling that he could still move, to see a second gun pointed at the chicken, whose gun lay at his feet. It looked broken.
Light was alive though, and he hadn't been shot. He looked at the man who held the proved-to-be-real-revolver and the one still pointed at Light. For a second, Light wondered where L had learnt to shoot that well, but then he realized this man didn't look like the childish panda-cat named L at all. He was dark, probably in his late thirties, wild bangs of hair covering his head, with a few small stripes of dark grey between them. He had a broad jaw, looked as if he hadn't shaved in three days, and small, dark brown and slightly silly eyes. He was tall too, taller than Light or L with his full six feet. He looked kind, forgetting the murder weapons he carried with him and knew how to use.
"You kiddo's leave!" He shouted at the gang who only had pipes left to fight. They immediately left, the yellow-toothed guy licking his lips as he gave Light one last look over. Once they left, the revolvers disappeared in the man's big brown coat with fur collar. It looked expensive, Light realized. Neat. Not like all the other people he'd seen in that… 'neighborhood'. For as far as there were nice neighbors living in this place.
"Those kiddo's have no idea."
The man turned to Light and studied him. His expensive, neat and fitted clothes, his hair messed up, sweaty face with traces of tears lingering on his cheeks. His shocked, but still wondered expression.
"Yur a newbie here?" The man asked. He had a funny way of pronouncing, not fully clear, as if he was stoned, but his eyes looked clear so Light assumed he wasn't stoned. Though he had no experience with stoned, drunk or somehow wasted people so Light wasn't sure his opinion counted for much. He was quiet for a few seconds, not sure how to answer.
The man took it as a 'yes' and walked to the gun the chicken had left, picked it up and looked at it. After a few seconds, he shrugged and threw it into a bin. Light didn't know if he should smile or be scared. The man was comfortable with guns. Maybe a little too much…? But just throwing something like that away… Light had touched his Dad's secret police gun when he was a little, only once. He'd found it beautiful, but knew what it could do and didn't dare to touch it in the beginning, afraid it would shoot if he'd do something wrong with it. After a while, Soichiro had taken his hand and softly laid it on the handle of the gun, while mumbling, "Here, we'll do it together. It's not scary".
The man looked at his other two guns, slightly worried, like how Soichiro would look at Light when he was sick or something.
Maybe L knew how to use a gun. L. Light wanted to go back. Just to see L once again. And go to his Dad. He was assaulted and he could've been dead by now, all he wanted was going back and cry out on a shoulder, preferably his Dad's or L's. A hand waved in front of his face, pulling Light out of his thoughts, as so many people had done in his life.
"Hey, boy, yur a dreamer? You okay? Are you stoned? Hey!"
Light blinked. Shit, he was dreaming again… And suddenly he realized he hadn't been saved yet. The man looked kind, but that didn't mean he actually was kind. Maybe he was a rapist. Shit… What could he do…? The man was standing close enough to grab his arm and keep him from running away. And Light wanted to keep his legs, and running away could mean them being shot off efficiently. The man noticed his distrust.
"Yur no newbie, you're not even from here. I'm right-o?"
Light pierced the man's eyes with his gaze, and the dark eyes looked straight back. Like Light was all too familiar with. He shuddered. What could he say…? Showing that he knew it around here could mean being prostituted or left alone again without anyone defense at all… Or both. But then, he could try to find his way back again alone. He felt his pockets. No cell phone. Could he find a map from this place..? Where should he seek…? The chances of being raped where extremely high, especially for him, no matter how he looked at it…
On the other side, being honest and tell he was lost could also mean being prostituted, but there he had a chance that the man helped him and brought him back. That would probably mean being raped too. Light felt his stomach twitch, and the taste of the strawberries and steak turned back... Sickening. Light wanted to puke. What should he do? What should he do…? What would L do…?
The man smiled.
"Nope, yur not from here."
Shit. Light had been quiet for too long. He helplessly searched for a way out, but couldn't find one… He forced out the breath he was holding, and ignored the hump of nerves being electric in his stomach and chest. His throat felt narrow. And a big hand patted his cheek. The man looked worried.
"Hey, boy, you can talk now… It's okay…They're gone. Yur never assaulted before, right-o? You gotta get outta here. Where are you from…?"
Light gulped. The man could lead him wherever he wanted. He had no indication in what direction the bright world must be. Light realized he had to say something, the man wouldn't stay patient for too long, Light thought. And what would happen then…
"I-I can't tell you where I live, you should understand that."
The man blinked and looked at Light with sincere surprise in his eyes. He blinked twice.
"Y-yep, I get it…You can talk? Need help?"
Light hesitated again, too long, and the man decided that Light needed help, badly.
"Hey, boy, I can bring you wherever you want, y'know… Come over at my place for a sec. To cool down."
Light already knew where it would lead to. He'd be raped. In that guy's place. He still felt sick. He didn't want to. Only the idea of that guy…
But, there was a chance of going home after that…He didn't look like he'd throw Light away after he was done. And not going with this guy could mean being shot, or being raped multiple times by other, less hygienic guys around here… Light breathed in.
"Just say it; you're going to rape me as soon as I'm there. You're not planning on helping me at all."
Light wanted to close his eyes, but he held them focused on the man. The man shot Light a slightly hurt look, but understanding at the same time... And silly.
"Ur a virgin? It'd be a waste to steal it, there's someone outside who deserves it… We'll see how'd goes when we're there."
Light looked stunned. What was he saying? Light a virgin? Damn it, he was! He wanted to give it to his L.
L.
Sweet L… Light suddenly wondered what L must have been doing at that very moment. Maybe he was thinking about him and Light. Maybe he actually changed his mind and believed him now. Maybe he was already searching for Light. Maybe even desperately…?
Or maybe he still didn't believe him, maybe he'd told the Taskforce that Light had done something that 'raised the percentage of the possibility of Light being Kira to 93%' and walked away to make L look like the bad guy… Maybe he'd just put the handcuffs away and crawled into the bed, happy to have it all for him. He was probably eating strawberries right now, lying on his tummy like he did more often when he tried not to think about anything, though both was hard for him… Light loved when he did that. It accentuated the shape of his butt, and he had less opportunity to notice Light groping him with his eyes…
Light made a mental note to be less stalkery around L. He must've been quite annoying… But first, he'd go back. Maybe he'd be brought to a place he knew, after that man had gotten what he wanted… And he sure would, he had two guns and Light didn't want to die. With or without L, he wanted to live, to go back and remain pure, if it could…
Light gulped and gave a short nod, by lack of better choices. The man smiled and took his hand (L's hands were way softer, Light noticed) and pulled him out of the alley, into the streets, where most of the people stared at them. Some because they wanted Light. Some because they appeared to know the guy and greeted with a "Robby, man whadda you have there!", and some simply because almost everyone looked. Light saw a glimpse of the scary old man that had touched his butt, and the creepy and toothless smile. He unconsciously moved a little closer to 'Robby'.
After a while, Robby stopped in a bigger street where cars carelessly crossed over the dirty asphalt. He searched in his pockets for a key, and Light looked around. It still didn't look exactly sane; there were still coffee shops, clubs and high or drunk people everywhere, and hardly any women. They still leered at Light, and he hoped that Robby would find the keys quickly when two big and bold men on the other side of the street stopped and openly stared at him. He felt relief when the metallic 'click' of the door opening filled the street, and he followed Robby six stairs up, to a corridor that smelled like cigarettes and dust, and a bit like paint. No pee or weed, luckily. Robby opened a green door with a window next to it, and let Light in.
"Here y'are. Coffee?"
Light muttered a soft "No, thanks…" and walked into the apartment. It was quite clean and small, but it looked a little bigger thanks to the big windows leading to a balcony. Light noticed a proper security system. There was an old couch, and Light sat down while Robby hung up his coat. Light felt his stomach tied up. He was so horribly stupid for going with this man into his apartment. Maybe that guy was a murderer, Light didn't know… Maybe he would be raped, even though the man said he wouldn't… He wanted to cry, and go home. Back to the helpless Kira-case, back to Misa and her annoying behavior, back to Aizawa, Mogi and Watari. Back to the way Matsuda always drenched Light's jeans in black coffee every time he had some in his hands. Back to his Dad.
And his L.
When he thought about it, he didn't know what the guy was doing and it would definitely be something sexual, but simply getting him off sounded like a fair price for going back. Though it was humiliating, the dark man didn't seem to make a big deal of it. And he already was touched and licked by the yellow-teethed guy…
And it was strange, but Light somehow felt a certain trust. He had moments in his life that much more alarm bells had rang in his ears, and that he'd felt much more suspicious and anxious. He sighed. What could he do? Robby would get what he wanted, Light would never be able to shoot someone, even not when he took that guy's guns away from him. Robby came in and sat next to him on the couch, and looked at him.
"Whuz yur name?"
Light wondered if he should tell the man his real name… There was no proof 'Robby' was his real name, either. He decided to lie, the first name he could come up with.
"I am Rue."
Rue. Rue Ryuzaki. L's favorite fake name. Blegh, it was so cliché to use your love's (fake) name as yours, but like this it was more likely that Light would react when 'his' name was called. Funny. Now Rue was a double-fake-name. Three-double, actually. But Light had no time to think about the origin of L's fake name.
"Well, Rue, whad doez bring you here…? Boy like you doesn't fit here. And yur lost. Why? Trouble with boyfriend? Saw you running around, cryin'."
Light's heart begun to pound, and tears pricked behind his eyes. It was. And it didn't matter if this man knew it or not, actually. No matter how this would end, this man didn't know L, and would never meet him. Light was talking before he realized it.
"Yeah, he didn't believe I loved him, no matter what I said or did. He said I wanted to control and kill him…"
Robby still looked at him, a bit worried.
"And do you wanna control and kill him?"
Light balled his fists in pain and burned holes in them with his eyes.
"No, I love him so much. I never thought I'd meet anyone I could love, but half a year ago I met him, we grew closer and I thought he loved me too…"
Light felt thick tears burn his cheeks; he buried his face in his hands and sobbed helplessly, his shoulders shaking. What the hell was he doing…? Talking to a stranger like this, in that stranger's apartment, lost, abused and maybe raped in seconds… He couldn't help but sob even harder, crying out his heartache and assault, how those horrible hands had crept up his stomach, how that tongue feeling like a wet, hard and glibbery snail glided over his abdomen, and that hand in his crotch, while he couldn't but move his hips into it… He felt so horribly filthy. He wanted to take a hot shower, or better, get another body, leave this one behind. No, wait… This was his body, where he was so proud of… He slid a hand under his shirt to touch the spot where the tongue had been. It felt horrible, and there were still traces of saliva on it. Light tried to rub it off, when he saw a glass of water in front of his face.
"Didn't put drugs in it. It's safe."
Light doubted if he could trust the guy, but he didn't feel like it did any matter. He tasted the water. Just water. Right, there were probably enough drugs without taste or color, but you couldn't know… He took another sip and calmed down a little, and not because of possible sedatives in it. He felt a little safer. This guy would bring him back. Robby patted on his back softly.
"Yeah… Yur guy isn't too smart if he doesn't believe thoz tears…"
Light snorted. That was the problem. L was too smart. He'd always find a way to believe what he wanted. And Light did too, thinking L would love him…
"He wuz probably afraid to be rejected later, or bein' used…Maybe yur too pretty for him."
Light stared at the black screen of the small but proper television in front of him.
"But… He's pretty too, in his own way… He's far too skinny, and he hunches over; but he's tall, so it doesn't look bad on him… His skin is perfect, his hair is unruly and his eyes are black-underlined and wide, but so deep… Blank and intense at the same time. I always thought I could see through them, but I was wrong…"
Strange. Light had never talked about L in that way. Never. Light felt a hand wipe away his tears.
"Didde say he didn't love you?"
Light blinked, thinking about everything he and L had said.
No.
L had never said so.
L had never said he didn't love Light.
An at the same time a so delighting and horrifying thought. L loved him too. L loved Light, if not he'd definitely said so. Light had been right… But if L didn't want to return it… A cold hand wrapped itself against Light's heart.
'No matter what you say, Light-kun.'
The look in L's eyes. Pity. It wasn't Light who was hurt the most, it was L. L loved Light, but didn't return it for probably more than one reason… God, Light could think of ten reasons why L would reject him, though he loved him.
Robby took Light's face in his hands and rubbed his cheeks with his thumbs.
"Yur so damn beautiful, Rue…"
Light's stomach turned when he heard that name. It felt wrong. It felt like destroying the purity of that name, though he knew it was fake… He suddenly felt two lips surrounded by hard hairs press on his. What? No! Light tried to move away, and Robby looked surprised when he pulled back.
"N-no…" Light huffed, slightly panicking.
Robby blinked. "Just lemme hold you, Rue… Wanna admire you."
Light gulped. He knew something like this would happen, but… He didn't want it to… And this was getting personal, he felt. Creepy. Stalkery. His stomach twitched sickeningly. Robby nodded.
"Wanna strip for me, then…? Wanna admire you…"
Robby looked downright dumb when he said this. Light was stunned. What did that guy want…? Seducing him before getting raped? No way.
"I kno' what yur thinking… Like I said, I'm not gonna rape you. Trust me."
Light didn't know what to think. Then, he realized the man still had two guns. He wondered what was the best thing to do. He could strip his shirt off and leave. Yes, that seemed good.
"Right, I'll strip off my shirt for you, and you'll bring me to the Teito Hotel, right?"
From there, he'd find his way back.
The man nodded. "Right-o. I won't do you any harm, Rue."
Light stood up, and walked to the middle of the room, to turn to the man. The sooner he had this done, the sooner he'd be back in the Headquarters. He fiddled with the highest bloody-red button on his black vest, and pulled it open, revealing a part of his collarbones. Robby looked.
The next button. And the one after that. Robby stared at Light, almost in disbelief, when he showed more creamy and sun-kissed skin. Not exactly the image of a pervert who did this every day, or looked down on Light. Another button. Light soothed his own chest and slid the shirt over his shoulder. Robby almost gasped. Light somehow begun to feel sexy. This man obviously adored him, not used, and Light had never failed reading emotions off someone's face. Not even L's, it seemed. The man blinked in a way that could've been in a dictionary next to the word 'silly'. Light didn't dislike it.
Light popped open his other buttons, slowly, and moved elegant circles with his hips, stretching and tensing his belly on purpose, to accentuate his muscles. He looked Robby right in the eyes, showing he wasn't scared, or a weak little creature crying on another one's couch all day long. Robby shifted. He somehow looked scared, as if Light made him think of something. It gave Light a kick. He slowly bared his whole belly and chest, and shoulders, and let the shirt glide over his lower arms, straight to the ground. He'd already came that far, and it didn't feel bad anymore. Why not push it a little furtherer?
'Fuck you, L.'
Light slid a hand over his nipple, while sighing softly. It was an act, he goddamn knew that, but it obviously aroused Robby. He begun to pant, and really looked scared now. Light, a virgin, hah. He probably was a virgin himself, that guy. Light felt the satisfaction of ruling over someone else he was so familiar with. He leaned his head back a little, and crept with his other hand over his belly. He knew he'd get another reaction out of the poor man with this. He dropped on the couch, his other nipple going hard too when his back touched the cold leather of the couch. This time, his gasp wasn't an act.
The next moment, he felt two hands on his chest. And he realized it weren't his own. Robby was caressing his upper body, up and down the muscles he'd been showing, over his ribs, nipples, collarbones and shoulders, and Robby pushed him on his back softly, staring at his face.
"Yur boy has no idea whud he rejected, Rue."
Light gulped, and Robby noticed.
"Surry, I reminded you of him, Right-o?"
Light stared at the man for a minute. He somehow reminded him at L. L was younger, prettier, less silly (though he could look silly too if he wanted to, but in a cute way), and his gaze was hypnotizing, but this man… Something in those eyes… A certain intelligence, the idea that they looked deeper than most of the eyes that looked in his…
He got a shock when he realized L had looked at him too, like this. Adoration. L had looked like this all the time when they stared at each other. Minute after minute they could sit like that, only the two of them, just staring in each other's eyes. Not uncomfortable. Light had thought of that look as…curiosity and equality. It probably had been like that too, but… Adoration… Damn it, Light hadn't seen through L's eyes all the way! He felt so horrible for missing it. L…
His L…
Robby muttered a soft 'surry' and soothed the soft locks in Light's neck. His other hand touched Light's nipple, and Light arched into the touch with a soft breath. It didn't feel bad. L's face slowly faded away as the fingers continued their touching. His breath went a little faster, and faster…The hands were big, hard with short fingers that touched him with hesitation.
Light's breath stopped. They weren't soft.
It wasn't L. It wasn't L who was touching him.
Light's eyes shot open.
He sat up, glancing at Robby, who looked back, and nodded.
"I think it's time to get you to Teito, Rue."
Light nodded too.
"Yes… I think so."
Robby handed him a little post-it block with a pen.
"Write the number of yur boy's cell, for when something happens."
Light hesitated. L's number… Oh, right. L was used to things like this; he knew how to handle a stranger calling. Light wrote down the number and handed it to Robby.
"This should be it, if he didn't change his phone number during the time I was gone…"
Robby sincerely laughed, sounding a bit like the type of dog that waited everyday for his bossy, and protected the house for thieves. Light grinned. He pulled on his black shirt and closed the buttons, Robby watching. This wasn't that bad. He didn't feel used. Almost… comforted. He felt like he could talk to L now, without having a mental breakdown.
When they walked into the street again, people stared at them again. Light felt uncomfortable and stayed close to Robby. Robby didn't hold his hand, though. He was clearly thinking the same as Light: Things happened and Light wasn't going to stick with him much longer. There was no need to. Light still wasn't one hundred percent sure he'd be brought to Teito, but he decided he couldn't do anything about it. He hadn't been raped; nothing against his will had happened. Except from the kiss, but he'd kissed so many people in his life he liked less; girls.
And if he decided he didn't trust Robby and tried to run away, there was, again, the probability that he'd be raped by others. They walked through streets Light didn't know, without saying anything. Cars passed, buildings appeared to disappear again after a while, the streets were lit by an orange glow and the neon lights everywhere.
The streets got broader, the shops got less filthy and bigger, the amount of stares decreased and Light's heart jumped up when he realized he knew his surroundings; His Mum used to take him there when he was a little and she wanted him to go shopping with her. A big warehouse with now people smoking joints in front of it, where he'd found the big escalators so wonderful that he'd wanted to play on them all day long. And where he had his precious Dipsy-pajama from, the green one with the little moons on it. It still lied in the back of his closet, hidden by his other clothes accentuating his slim figure and 5'8". He usually threw clothes away when they didn't fit anymore, but this one had been too precious. He'd worn it for four years, until it really got too small and the color had almost disappeared (Dipsy and the little moons hadn't).
Light smiled. If he wasn't welcome in the headquarters for some reason, he'd still be welcome in his own house. His mother would be delighted if he told him he and Misa had relation problems, and he needed to stay home for a day. And, he missed Sayu.
"Twenty minutes and we're there, Rue."
Light turned his head to thank Robby. Thank him for everything. For saving him from the gang, picking him up, comforting him, listening to him, bringing him back and not trying to do anything with him. For letting him alive in general. There was so much Light wanted to say. He opened his mouth to speak, when the dull sound of a wooden bat echoed through the small street filled with closed clothing shops and barbers. Light stared in disbelief at Robby's form making its way to the red bricks, one of his guns gliding out of his pockets, little spats of blood coloring the stainless material.
It took him a few seconds to realize that Robby was lying in front of him, not showing any signs of life, blood seeping out of his head and forming a small puddle on the stones. He looked up to meet the gazes of two bold and broad guys, probably identical twins. They were tall, taller than Robby's six feet, low and thin eyebrows almost hanging over creepy little eyes. Both were wearing filthy jeans and boots, and a leather jacket. One held a wooden bat in his hands. Light realized it were the men who watched him and Robby go into the flat where Robby lived.
"Yup, thaz 'im… That cop trying to save lil' virgins. He'z quite easy to hit, huh huh…"
They laughed, and looked at Light.
"Here's another virgin… Wadda we do wid' him…?"
A creepy and black-teethed smile.
"He's gonna bring us lotsa money…"