3. Hurt
Light froze and stared at the two men in front of him, suddenly feeling horribly vulnerable and small. No, he was saved? How did this all happen? Lots of money? Hell, they wanted to sell his virginity!
And how the heck did everybody know that, actually?
He noticed he was shaking; full of new energy fed by angst and ready to run away. Suddenly he remembered the network of little streets and alleys behind him. Maybe he could find a safe place to call a taxi, and policemen… He looked at Robby one last time, turned around and sprinted into the quiet web of alleys and shops, praying for Robby to be alive, promising to come back and help if he had the chance.
He heard the men scream behind him to stop, cursing and panting, forced to drag more than Mogi's weight and height with them in their hunt for Light, who was a lightweight and had always had a great condition. He heard them slow down, and realized he'd almost lost them. He ran a little longer to be sure, and dove into a smelly street with a lonely coffee shop and closed or failure bars and restaurants. Light stopped and looked around if the men weren't behind him before he stopped to pant and feel his head and ears throb painfully, his throat raw from the cold autumn night.
Robby.
Light had to get help, somewhere! As fast as possible. Who knew what could happen to Robby if Light left him there for too long…? Maybe he could call the police, they could pick Light up and bring Robby to the hospital…No, he didn't know anything about Robby. Maybe he had problems with the police, for reasons that didn't interest Light right now.
Maybe an ambulance… Yes, that was it. Robby would be fine… Light hoped, and his father could pick him up from the hospital. Maybe he could recover there a little before facing L… Yes, that was what he had to do. He looked around for the men again, noticed they weren't behind him and stepped into the coffee shop.
The first moment he was in there, he got overwhelmed by the warm and suffocating smell of weed and something else he'd rather not identify. Ugh… He ignored the stoned and lifeless stares of the people in there, and walked to the back of the shop, where a man with the same yellow teeth as the men who knocked Robby down smiled at him. Light coughed.
"H-uch-hello, is there a telephone I could use, maybe…?"
The bold and wrinkled man only smiled malicious at him, and let his eyes slide over something behind Light. His heart froze in realization when two big hands grabbed his wrists, while another arm closed painfully hard around his waist and harshly dragged him over a leather-clad and broad shoulder that begun to walk away, with Light hanging over his shoulder. Light saw a glimpse of a bold skull and began to kick and scream.
"STOP! PUT ME DOWN! PUT ME DOWN AND LET ME GO! DAMNIT!"
The stoned eyes and yellow teeth followed him into the dark streets with dull interest, as if a rich-looking someone had just spend millions on weed and hid it all under a kind of ugly hat while hurrying away.
Light screamed, cried and kicked, trying to hit the men, but the arm that held him tightened around him and cracked his ribs, forcing all the air out of Light's lungs. Light felt pain shoot through his chest and wanted to scream it out, until he realized he couldn't scream at all. Quiet tears streamed out of his eyes and hit the ground, and his heart pounded in panic before his whole body went limp. He heard how the men laughed and made fun of how easy it was to get him quiet. Light felt his face almost hang against a dirty leather jacket, and the smell of it enter his nose.
'Damnit…Do they really think I'm a weak slut… Ready to be undressed… Born to be fucked…'
Light felt blood rush to his head due to his head hanging down.
'I… am Yagami Light… I… Won't be… used… this … …easily…'
Light was already gone when the men stopped laughing and continued walking to whatever their destination might be, the grip around his chest loosened, his breath returned and his eyes closed. It was all black. Shut down. A dreamless sleep.
Fading away.
Yagami Light hadn't been saved yet.
Light's head spun. Where was he…? Hurt, everything hurt, pain, searing…
A kick… He remembered a kick… Someone… Had kicked his head…
Why…? Why had someone kicked his head…?
A dull voice. He knew that voice… Was it good or bad…? Who was it…?
A face… A face he knew…
That person…
That person… Had touched him…
Another kick in his face shot new pain through his destroyed cheekbone, horribly burning. It spun… Everything spun, due to the pain… Due to the kick…
"…And now, you're here, you…"
What was he saying… Light didn't understand… He blinked a few times and tried to listen again, trying to understand the words that didn't seem to enter his ears…
"…The first one! Hah! Look what tho…"
First… The first one…?
Dull memories, not clear enough to hurt… Memories Light didn't recognize, faces Light didn't know… Feelings he knew he must've felt them…
"…Slut, and now you're gonna die, I tell y…."
Die…? Light wasn't going to die… He had no idea why… Was it the pain…? What pain…?
His body felt so far away… Was he going to die…? Why…?
"…Leave you here alone, they find you, but…"
Find…Find Light…They were going to find Light… He wasn't alone, the face was there and talking to him… He wasn't alone…
"…Will ever be caught! There were too many others! Bye, slutty!"
Light blinked. A slut. Was he a slut…? Why…? Was it the pain in his behind…? Did that make him a slut…? He'd never wanted it…
It all went quiet again. The face was gone and the pain back. But it wasn't sharp anymore. It was dull… A soft, dull and bearable pain… Other faces, important faces touched Light's mind…
Black hair, silly eyes…
Would he be alive…?
Would he even care about the boy he tried to save earlier…?
Perfect face… Blank look…
Would he be worried…?
Would he regret throwing Light away…?
Glasses, a moustache…
Would he be crying…?
Would he think about the Light his son used to be…?
Light thoughtlessly watched the memories flicker on the darkening screen behind his eyes. Robby… L… His Dad… How would they be doing… Light hoped they wouldn't be too worried…
Light felt nothing. He thought nothing. He remembered nothing. Numb, he was… His eyes didn't see the yellow-hinted air they were staring at, they didn't notice some people look into the alley and miss him lying between all the dirt and bins. Black. Deep black, and silence.
Sleep.
Nothing more.
"Why don't actually copulate with Amane-san, Light-kun? I'd think Light-kun needs his release sometimes..."
Light blushed and hid himself under the blankets to hide the tent in his pajama shorts; but it was too late, and L had noticed… Shameful. Light had only watched L change shirts and…THAT happened.
"No, I don't want to-"
"Why does Light-kun not want to do so?"
Light cursed how L's stare made his heart beat painfully.
"Because, Ryuzaki, maybe I don't feel the...the need to… to… Do things like that with her! And it's not strange to get THIS when you never have the opportunity to do yourself, okay?"
L blinked and looked at Light owlishly.
"Light-kun says he doesn't feel like doing Misa-san."
Light buried himself a little deeper under the sheets.
"Yes, is that a problem?"
L blinked again and tilted his head to the side.
"There is no problem, Light-kun; you don't have to be shy…"
It sounded sincere. No mocking or hidden smiles Light always picked out immediately.
"… I… I just don't feel like it, okay? She doesn't make me hot or cold or anything, and thus I don't want to do her…"
Light hid his head under the sheets when he mumbled a soft "…And… There's another thing you won't believe…"
He felt L creep a little closer and sooth the place where Light's head made a tent in the sheets.
"What is it, Light-kun?"
Light breathed in and closed his eyes.
"…If you want to know, I never did any more than just kiss girls. I'm a virgin. So. Now you know. What are you going to do, mock me or tell it the whole university, including the teachers and all the police departments all over the world…?"
Light pulled the sheets tighter over his head and waited for L's so-called 'funny' response.
Which didn't come.
No response.
He waited a few seconds, opened his eyes, lifted the sheets a little to meet L's eyes peering into his, totally blank.
"What is it, are you too shocked or so? Go away, then."
L didn't move or even blink.
"I am not shocked in any way, Light-kun. I wanted to see your reaction when I didn't react. Don't worry, Light-kun, I'm a virgin too."
By this, Light shot up and stared at L in disbelief.
The Great L, the World's Three Greatest Detective… the far too hot Ryuzaki, was a…was a VIRGIN?
…No way.
"It's true. I never really had the opportunity and I pretty much never felt too attracted by possible sex partners. Therefore, I am a virgin too, like Light-kun. You also never really found someone, isn't that right?"
Light still stared at L. This was too much to understand for Light in those few seconds.
L had just found out about his virginity, Light had told it himself, and now it appeared that L was a virgin too… He didn't know if he had to be ashamed or delighted. He chose not to show anything.
"But… You are 25…And still a virgin…? How do you do that…?"
L shrugged.
"Like I said. No need, no people around and no opportunity is enough. I don't feel the need to explain further."
Light shot up, alarmed.
"Are you asexual?"
L gave him a flat look.
"Would Light-kun mind if I was…?"
Light blushed again.
"No, I just wondered, and I could ask you, right…?"
L looked away and hugged his knees closer.
"Maybe."
Maybe.
Maybe.
…
That was an unsatisfying answer. And not like L. Light sat up and unconsciously leaned a little closer to L.
"If you'd meet someone to give it to, would you do it?"
Light's heart flipped backwards when L's eyes bored into his.
"Yes. I would."
He would. L would. Light also would. L's eyes seemed to smile a little, as if Light had done something L shouldn't actually smile about. Sigh. Light wanted L.
"Ryuzaki… I like you, do you know that?"
…Shit.
Light was startled when he realized what he'd actually said. What the heck had made him say that? God knew how L would react on that, this was not the idea! L now actually smiled at Light and somehow blushed a little, turning to his own toes to watch them play.
"Know that I like you too, Light-kun."
Light-kun.
Light-kun.
Light-kun…
Light, wake up. Wake up…
Wake up.
Light's eyes shot open. Where was he…? Not at home, not with Robby, not on the streets. What had that memory been? Had he been dreaming? It had been a happy memory, it had been so happy, once…Damn L, why had he said that… Light had thought L had considered a 'deep friendship' when he'd returned Light's feelings of affection, because they'd never end up kissing or something… And the words 'I like you' could also be used to friends. And now he knew it was different. And it wouldn't be the same again. No, it had never been 'the same'. L had always distrusted him. But still, he'd let Light come so close to him…
'Why, L, why did you let me if you knew it was gonna hurt us both…'
Light saw tears blur his vision, when he realized those tears blurred an orange light that didn't come from the streets, but from a light bulb with orange textile spanned around it hanging above his head, on a dusty ceiling. He looked around some better.
He was in a dark room, with black walls and a smell that reminded Light at dust, and something that resembled sweat. There were no windows and it was cold.
It took a few seconds before he shuddered in horror by noticing he wasn't wearing a shirt. He looked around to see his own black shirt lying on the dirty floor, next to a bed.
A bed, where Light was tied up currently with the hard handcuffs he had gotten used to.
Shit.
Four voices came closer and the door opened, letting more light into the dirty room. There were four men.
The first thing Light saw, were the faces of the bold men who had brought him here. They looked slightly unpleased and looked at the money in the hands of what was probably a pimp, looking at the situation and-
A pimp? Oh, no, this wasn't really going to happen, wasn't it? Light's heart began to beat faster and harder and he struggled to get away, maybe the handcuffs weren't closed properly, or if maybe he could do something with his legs (who were still clad in his black jeans, he noticed). But he couldn't. The handcuffs were gripping tighter around his wrist than L's had done, he was sure. And his legs…
He couldn't move them. He just couldn't move his legs.
"…You sure he won't kick me? You practically drug him away from the streets, isn't it? And is he really a virgin?"
Light looked in horror at the last man, a tall-looking guy clad in a big vest with a capuchin, that made it impossible for Light to recognize him. He somehow knew that voice, he was sure…He'd heard it before…Maybe it was someone who'd found him and tried to save him…He hoped, he hoped it so bad…
"We paralyzed him…He can't move his legs, we're sure you won't be kicked, sir. And we're sure he's a virgin. We checked it."
They checked it.
They checked it.
WHAT did they check? They hadn't actually…Hadn't they? No, no way. Light felt everything that was left in his stomach creep to his mouth. Water. Sour. Nothing more. God, he felt so sick. They'd already touched him THERE where he half-and-half never really thought about others touching it…L, but that was different…No. No, no way. And especially not for THAT reason. He felt so damn dirty. And he knew it was only going to be worse.
He heard the sound of yens crisping in the doorway, the men talking a little about money, sedatives and during time…An hour, it was. Light would be raped for an hour. God, please, no…Please, everything but that. Everything.
Light cried. Light cried silently over his horrible fate. God hated him, for some reason. Why…? Why, just why did it all have to happen…
The door closed and the tall man walked to Light, and looked at him. Light still couldn't see his face in the shadows of the capuchin. He sat down on the bed, next to light. Slowly, he outstretched a hand and touched Light's tears with one finger. Light stared in horror at the hole that must be the guy's face. He knew that touch. He goddamn knew it. It sent chills down his spine and the his stomach twitched in recognition. The guy lifted his hand to his mouth and seemed to lick at Light's tears, and Light knew he was smirking. Cold. No, this guy wasn't here to save Light…
He twitched when he heard a malicious snicker come from under the capuchin, and a hand lifted itself up again to slowly remove it.
Yellow teeth.
Spiky hair.
Tiny, sharks eyes.
Big, pointy nose.
The capuchin revealed the face of the guy who had groped Light in the dark alley. While he was held by the guy called 'Buddy'. Yes. His teeth where the same yellow grin and his nose was the same big point practically falling over his thin lips. Light's heart began to panic when he recognized it. The guy laid a hand on Light's chest and tickled lightly.
"Yes, funny I see you here again, isn't it? I didn't follow you or so, Virgie."
His eyes narrowed and his smile got broader.
"For as long as you still are a Virgie…"
Light's stomach muscles twitched, like his stomach itself did when the fingers roamed over his belly.
"Yes…I just saw you being brought here, I hadn't found another yet and I decided you'd be my bitch tonight. Buddy is now 33.000 yen lighter…"
He snickered again over what apparently was funny. His teeth appeared to be triangle-shaped, Light noticed. The guy saw his stare and the meaning of it, and leaned to Light's arm to bite it hard, making Light yelp. He licked the blood dripping out of it and swallowed it. Light let out a sob. This was torture. This was so much worse than he'd ever expected it to be…As long as he'd ever expected to be violated or raped at all.
This was just so much worse.
The yellow teeth removed themselves from out of Light's flesh, a horrible feeling in his upper arm tied up next to his head, his hands hanging a few inches above the smelly mattress, cuffed to the bedpost. A drip of blood made its way to Light's shoulder, and for a brief moment he thought he was actually smelling the red substance. The guy just watched it with a sadistic gleam in his eyes Light had seen in other eyes before.
Yes, L had looked like this when he was dominating Light in their everyday-fights, verbal or physical. Though it'd been different. It had L mostly been about winning and getting reactions out of Light.
This guy… He wanted to torture him.
He'd be scarred; he'd always think of this as the most traumatizing moments of his whole life- Exactly what this horrible person wanted him to. He'd be humiliated, and not by simply being pinned down on a king-sized bed with a sweetly smiling L on top of him stroking his hair to indicate Light was his, and not the opposite.
His.
It had actually been like that, L had wanted him to be his, Light knew by now.
L loved Light. Light loved L. It was so damn unfair… It was L's stupid fault, it was his fault, like it was Light's… They'd been stupid together, L for letting Light go away and not believing him, Light for telling L and running away… Light let out a sob again and closed his eyes to force the guy out of his sight. He didn't want to see him. He didn't want to. He didn't want the fingers to be semi-innocently stroking his skin and he didn't want the blood to be dripping out of the little wounds.
He didn't want to open his eyes when he felt the cigarette-like breath of the guy in his face.
"What…Do you want to play hide-and-seek? Okay, I'll join you! Where is my hand?"
Light swallowed and squeezed his eyes shut when he felt a hand slide into his pants and feel around. He tried to ignore it all, it felt so-horribly-bad…The fingers pressed the base of his penis and tickled there too, causing Light's blood to rush towards it. 'No. Please, God, Don't do this to me…'
The face above Light's laughed sadistically when noticing slight twitches in Light's face. A maniacal grin. A blood-freezing giggle. Nothing human. The hand and breath disappeared, and Light felt and heard his belt being untied, his button being undone and his zipper being pulled down. The fingers that had been groping him that same evening were desecrating his skin slowly, teasingly playing with his pubic hair and stripping off his black jeans. Slowly. Torturing. Sickening. Letting Light know he was defenseless.
Light leaned his head back and prayed one last time before giving in with his fate. It was going to happen. It was however going to happen, and he'd be humiliated. This guy wanted to see him humiliated. And that… That was exactly what Light wouldn't show. Light would fiercely keep his eyes shut, his face as blank as possible and his body cold and untouched. He still had his pride. He still had it. It didn't give him any hope, or any other warm feeling, but it was just a thought for Light to concentrate on while his virginity would be ripped apart from his sacrificed body. There had been so many people enduring this, so many people before him…If they did, Light also would. Definitely.
He repressed the sob that worked its way up his throat.
Pride.
He fought with all his will against the tears wetting his eyes.
Pride.
He fought against the urge to shake his hips in an attempt to get the fingers away from his genitals.
Pride.
Pride…
Light just couldn't fight the sob that echoed through the room when the tongue, teeth and lips of this horribly ugly and despicable guy closed around his manhood and sucked on it, a snicker and some teasing sounds audible but muffled by what Light denied of being himself. He tried not to feel. He tried not to feel the pleasure he didn't enjoy that changed into sickness as soon as it passed his stomach. And he tried so hard not to pant, choke on his own vomit, or vomit at all.
After a while, it stopped. The mouth disappeared and left Light's most sensitive spot cold in the muff air of the room. 'Keep your eyes closed, Light, he wants you to look up…'
"Heh, fun, wasn't it? I have something much more fun in mind, little Virgie. Do you want to ask me or should I just show you?"
Light squeezed his eyes shut even harder when the sounds of another zipper being undone screeched in his ears. So, the moment was finally there. This was that moment he'd feared for this whole night. The moment this whole night had been all about, actually.
It felt more like his whole life had led to this.
He felt his limp legs being spread apart, noticed that he could feel every single touch the guy and the sheets gave them. He felt the guy sit down between them, stroking his thighs. Another snicker, a comment about how sad it was he had to be wasted like this, and something hard pressing against him. There it was. Light tried not to think about it. He thought he'd throw up all over himself if he would.
He'd probably throw up anyway.
"Here we go, Virgie…"
Light yelped in pain when it entered him and made him writhe. Hurt. It hurt like hell. Never had he thought that anything could cause him this much agony. It felt as though he was being torn apart.
He bit his lips and tried not to scream, but he couldn't help his eyes opening and blurring the sight of the dirty ceiling. White, it was white…Light shuddered, and heard the person he wanted to disappear out of his body make maniacal sounds of pleasure and sadism.
It had to be over. It just had to be over, soon.
The guy begun to pound into Light. Something was wetting Light's insides. He hoped it wasn't blood. Or anything else… He cringed in the electric pain that rushed through him and his soul. Light saw the ceiling, he noticed a fly sitting on it and watching him, knowing what was happening but doing nothing to save him. He felt it. He felt exactly what was moving inside of him, the shape, the size and other things he wanted to deny of existing in his world. Much to his horror, the guy leaned over him to breath the cigarette smell into his lungs, and grip his waist to hold Light close, letting Light know he wasn't just an object that had entered him. The motions got faster, and Light tried to ban out all the thoughts in his head. They wouldn't save him now. They'd only make it worse.
L's face. It looked regretful.
Tears burned at his eyes and he squeezed them shut as Light closed his eyes again. The pain appeared to go away and only leave an overwhelming feeling he didn't want to call by its name. It was sickening. Sweat. Blood. The smell of dust and rape. And an old and sticky mattress. He felt the guy, he felt himself getting closer to his climax, and tried so hard not to come, it would be bad, it would make the wounds deeper and deeper, the scars more visible…Hell, he couldn't but think about L when he felt his own bodily fluids wetting the guy's and his own abdomen. It was L, he held Light and looked at him with dark eyes while he whispered his name in his ear…
It stopped. The feelings stopped and faded away. Light panted helplessly and pretended he didn't hear the other person in the room do the same, and didn't feel the now smelly guy collapse on top of him. IT disappeared out of him. His heart slowed down. He felt more naked and dirty than he'd ever been.
L.
He had seen L… Was it L…? Light hoped it so hard when he opened his eyes for a second to glance at the guy, to close them again immediately. It wasn't. It just had to be this unknown guy Light could call nothing more than 'the guy who groped him and raped his virginity away'. The guy chuckled when he noticed Light had looked at him.
Yes, he wasn't a virgin anymore, he knew. It didn't feel much different, if you forgot the humiliation, the dirt and the throbbing pain in his behind, which was returning now. He still felt something wet dripping out of him, and knew it was a mixture of semen and blood. Light was too horrified to feel sick, and too numb to notice how it made him feel.
Paradoxes. So, that was what being raped meant.
He felt a weight disappear from his body, he heard a zipper being closed and the guy standing up.
"Aww, look at you. You're not looking so well, my little Virgie. Oh, wait, you aren't anymore…my Ex-Virgie! Or should I say slut…?"
Another chuckle. Inhuman. The guy enjoyed the misery he'd caused. What would L do now, after he hurt him…? He'd be gentle with Light, he would wipe him and sincerely apologize for hurting him…No, he wouldn't even hurt him if it wasn't overly necessary. And then, he'd still apologize. Like he always did when he noticed it was worse to Light than a simple tease. And sometimes he apologized to Light from out of nowhere, and Light would wonder why, while he tried to comfort L with whatever he had…In the end they'd both smile, and L would apologize again for being so troublesome. Light's heart would ache from his love for L. And L definitely didn't have to apologize for that, if he could…
Would. But it wasn't like that. Light would never be able to give his virginity to L. Never.
It felt like a rock. A giant rock in his stomach bursting him from the insides. He was raped, and L had rejected him. L would never want him again, now that he wasn't much more than a humiliated pool of dirt. No apologies. Nothing.
L wouldn't even look at him.
A finger wiped his face again, the tears that were streaming in the direction of his ears due to the gravity. The guy made a wet sound when he stuck his finger in his mouth and licked the tear.
"Hmm… misery! Always nice, Slutty. Yes, I'm gonna call you that! If you don't get thrown away now and I never see you again, of course… You were fun, I see you later! Have fun with your sorrow, Slutty!"
The same inhuman laugh. The door closed with a hard clack that echoed through the room. Light heard the guy still laughing after a minute. He didn't know if it still was reality or his own imagination. The room was cold. It smelled like sweat and dust. The mattress was sticky and the fly on the ceiling buzzed around a bit. The orange light was still the same from what it had been a short time ago. Time hurt him everywhere. Had it really been an hour…? Light's logic told him it hadn't been much longer than twenty minutes… It felt so much longer, as if it was so much later, as if it had been a long time ago that Light had felt happy, that he'd lived his usual life, that he'd been close to the one he loved. He wasn't very likely to feel something like that ever again, he thought…It was sad. It hurt.
He still couldn't move his legs. He was exposed to the world to see and touch, to be used and thrown away. The fly landed on his arm, and Light didn't even bother to shrug it off, not even when he felt those dirty little hairs that were the fly's legs tickle the wounds the guy's teeth had made.
Dirt. He felt nothing but dirt. He felt the guy's teeth in his flesh, his mouth around his manhood and his body pressing Light's into the mattress. And IT, and everything he wanted to forget about it. He heard the door open and people step in. He didn't want to listen to them. He wanted to disappear. He just wanted to feel nothing, he just wanted to fall and drown into darkness. Dying.
Fading away.
Yagami Light didn't want to be saved anymore.