4. Distrust
It had happened. It. Had. Actually. Happened.
The thing Light had feared the most this whole evening had happened. He was raped. He was raped by a guy who'd wanted more than just rape someone, take someone's virginity or simply sex.
The guy had wanted to torture him, humiliate him and make him suffer. And though Light had never been one to give in, he had to admit that the guy had reached his goals.
Humiliated.
Tortured.
Suffering.
And the worst…
Light wasn't Light anymore.
He had never been one to give in. He'd been so strong, powerful, confident... But he wasn't anymore. Yagami Light was now a sobbing mess without content. There was nothing left in him resembling fire whatsoever. There was only hurt and humiliation. And his ever so perfect outside was damaged too.
Someone had taken Light's in-and-outsides and discarded it. Just thrown it away to be destroyed, and nothing left could be valuable for Light, L, or anyone else in the world. No virginity, no strength… nothing.
It hurt so bad.
Light never stopped sobbing when he heard a click and felt his wrists weren't cuffed to the bed of his misery anymore, he just embraced himself softly. Comfort, he wanted to be comforted… 'Daddy, L, where are you…? Am I not important anymore, now that this happened to me… ?' Maybe Robby would show up, take him to his apartment and lay a big hand on his head, offer him a glass of water with painkillers… He'd listen to him and tell him what to do…
Would Robby be alive…?
Light felt a pang and sobbed even harder. He hadn't even thought about that yet. Robby was probably dead. He was hit on the back of his head, he'd bled horribly and he was laying face-first in an alley… People would see him and think he was a drug addict and won't pay any attention to him… He was…
Robby died there…
"No, no, nooo… Someone…"
Light felt shame wash through him as he heard himself plead.
"Please… Please…"
He couldn't control it. He just couldn't control what he was saying anymore. He hoped so bad that no one could hear him.
He got the shock of his life when a hand laid itself on his shoulder.
'L?'
For a moment, he thought he saw him, really. His deep black hair and eyes and concerned face. He was close. He wrapped his arms around Light and carried him away in bride-style, against his chest, to the big limousine Watari drove. They'd drive away from where it all happened while Light cried in L's lap, his face buried in his thick hair. So warm. L was so warm…
Warm. He came back to reality. The room wasn't warm. Light was covered in his own cooled sweat and he felt something wet dripping out of his behind. The man who was probably a pimp was leaning over him. He smelled like cigarettes, and his teeth were yellow. How long had he been standing there? Light didn't know…
He grinned in Light's face and patted his cheek.
"So. Ready for the next round?"
Next round…?
…
Light's heart stopped pounding.
Robby groaned. How, headache… Something had hit hard. He stirred and stood up, looking around. Blood.
The boy…
Right-o, the boy. Rue. Where was he…? That blood…
Robby felt relieved when the blood appeared to come from the back of his own head. It wasn't from the boy… Maybe Rue was okay…
He'd better check that out somehow.
Right-o. Rue left his boy's phone number in Robby's apartment. Better call him…
Robby went back to his apartment to find a little note in a neat and slightly feminine handwriting. A phone number with the name 'Ryu' above it. Robby took his cell phone and dialed the number.
After a few seconds, a voice spoke.
"Ryuzaki."
Robby blinked. A deep and monotone voice, not sounding concerned at all. It didn't really sound like someone who was eighteen years old. More like thirty, Robby thought. Maybe Rue liked older men…? His own boy had also been young…
"Hello. I am Robby…Are you Rue's boy?"
If Robby hadn't had a very strong sense of intonation, he would've missed that 'Not concerned' had been a cover-up.
"Rue? That's me. I am Rue."
He was Rue…? Right-o, the brunet never told Robby his own name, but his love's, not thinking they'd ever meet… Smart kid.
"Then, what's our little boy called?"
It was quiet for a few seconds.
"Wait. Light? Who are you? You did something to him?"
Robby found it funny to imagine that others wouldn't hear any emotion in this voice. Lighto, huh… Nice name… It fitted the boy. Lighto and Rue. Sounded like a cute couple.
"No, I never did…Lost him while I was bringing him to Teito…"
Silence.
"Teito?"
Voice sounded ten years younger, suddenly. Boy was troubled, poor thing…Apparently Teito wasn't there where this boy was.
"Yes, Teito… Saw him runnin' round in tears, got molested and I took him home, gave him water… Asked where he wanted to go, he said Teito and on our way, I got hit. Boy is gone."
The silence that hung between them was almost electric. Robby decided to scratch the part of the little brunet stripping for him. It wouldn't help any, now.
"You 'took him home'? Do you think I believe that? It was you who molested him. 'He's gone', and now you call me to make sure no one suspects you when he gets found. That's low. Extremely low, you know that?"
Impressive. This boy sounded so calm, and at the same time so terrified, and vengeful… Like Lighto had said earlier…Robby liked this 'Rue'. Or 'Ryu'. 'Ryuzaki'? It all had 'Ru' in it.
Hm, 'Ru'. It fitted this boy as much as 'Lighto' fitted Lighto, Robby thought.
Robby was glad he hadn't mentioned the strip act. It wasn't even something he'd 'done' to him…
"Ru, I never did things to Lighto… Last time I saw him he was okay… Don't you think I'd never call you if I didn't care about him to get back? Don't you want him back? We search together. I know the neighborhood and you know him."
It was quiet again. Ru was thinking. Robby almost heard the mecha stuff in his brain run on fire.
"Okay. I want to see you to make sure you didn't hurt him. Where do we meet?"
Finally, help. Robby felt relieved.
Before he knew it, Light was clicked to another bed in another room, with the same cold and the same smell of old sweat and rape. The same hurt and the same angst, with the horror that he already knew how it would feel.
The same feeling of an unwanted body against his, and the same shots of pain working their way up his spine. Hurt…Humiliation…He tried not to fight against the thing impaling him, because that would only make it worse…He had to relax and let it happen, and hope it would be over soon…
He couldn't fight anymore. He wasn't able to. The old Light had fought, the Light who played little games with L to test him, and be tested by L… The old Light who had protected those he loved…
The strong Light…
Light cried like he'd never done before. Why…? Why…
Why, why, why, why, WHY did it have to go like this…? Was there even a reason…?
Was Kira manipulating what was happening to him, and would he die soon…?
Would it be bad to die soon…?
A grunt, and a disgusting feeling hitting his insides, and it was over again.
Light took a quick glance at the fire-red dragon this man had tattooed on his fat and, yes, it was possible, hairy collarbone. A red dragon…That meant luck, wasn't it…?
Luck. Light felt nothing wet sticking to his own abdomen.
Someone came in and clicked the cuffs away from his pained wrists. Light immediately slid a hand over his abdomen to make sure there wasn't anything that would humiliate him further. He shivered under his own touch. It… didn't feel right.
What?
It felt bad to even touch his own body…
"You're going well, little boy…"
It was the pimp again. Did he hate Light or so…?
"We'll have to clean you before going on. Or do you want to do it yourself?"
Light's breath got stuck in his throat. His heart began its racing again.
It wasn't over, yet… Hell, it wasn't over… This was only the beginning…
"I…"
The pimp took it as a 'me' and pulled at Light's arm and let his fingers 'accidentally' brush over Light's nipple. Light felt the eyes with yellow eye white pierce his body. No, indeed it wasn't over, yet… Light tried not to think about it. He tried to cover his naked body while the pimp pulled him through a dark corridor and put him into what looked like a dirty shower room.
"Here, wash. Clean it, outsides, insides, and go back to that room. Escaping is useless. I warned you."
The door slammed shut, echoing in Light's ears.
'I warned you.'
The room was silent, apart from some muffled sounds coming from other rooms Light didn't want to think about, and water drops falling out of the old and minimalistic shower.
'Escaping is useless.'
Escaping.
Light hadn't thought about that, yet. Escaping. Should he try…?
He decided he wanted to be clean first, and turned the shower on.
Ice-cold water. It hurt. But Light decided he was used to pain now and stayed under it, and washed his whole body, beginning with his hair, chest, arms, belly, legs and feet, not touching himself there. He washed away his own sweat and the dirt that stuck to his body. He washed the wound on his shoulder, where the teeth had cut into his skin. The blood disappeared, and the wound began to throb. He washed it again, started with his hair again and worked lower and lower, like he'd done before, in an attempt to wash away the touches of the men who'd humiliated him.
He still felt extremely dirty.
Maybe he should…
He started washing his abdomen, but it felt bad. It shouldn't be touched, by anyone.
…
He had to.
Light moved on and washed his dick, there where THAT guy had… him…
…He tried not to think about that.
When he touched his entrance, he felt a shock wash through his whole body. And that shocked him. Not right.
It. Was. Not. Right.
Blood and semen.
Light felt horrified, once again. It couldn't get any worse. Here he was, naked and dripping with cold water, raped in a random room covered in germs, and now standing in some dirty shower room while he realized he was filled with other men's semen and couldn't touch himself without feeling horrified.
And if he even thought about thinking of the reason of it all, he felt his heart and stomach press together into a ball that grew bigger and suppressed his other organs, so that he almost felt like he was dying.
And there was even blood sticking to his own hands. There was someone who had tried to save him, and got knocked down because of that… If he hadn't asked Robby to bring him to Teito Hotel, Robby would've been okay, now…
Light felt too dead to cry. He ignored everything he felt and slid a finger into himself, to see if he could remove more of the sticky poison in his body. Sticky. Light didn't want to describe what he felt. He pulled his hand away and washed it thoroughly with the water that still fell out of the shower, before noticing it didn't help. He felt dirty. He felt so dirty no water would be enough to wash it away from him. Not his finger or the rest of his hands, not his skin and especially not his insides.
Showering was useless.
…
Maybe he could find a way to get out of here. He'd see what he'd do after that.
He dried himself with a towel he saw hanging on the wall. It was a light grey, and thank God it looked clean. It smelled dusty when Light dried his hair with it, but it was soft on his skin. Light decided it was clean and dried himself as good as possible. He ignored the little drops of blood on it after he did his behind.
'Thighs, knees, calfs, ankles, and feet. Between your toes, if you don't it could get irritated.'
It seemed impossible, but Light felt a tiny little bit better when he hung the towel back in place and felt the air brush his cool skin.
Now he had to get out of here.
He could think of three options.
One: He'd disguise himself as a pimp or a customer and just walk out of there, and go to the police or something.
…They'd see right through him.
Two: He'd make a deal with his next rapist. He had no idea what he could offer, but if the man would pay a little extra, maybe he'd be allowed to take Light with him and bring him back.
…A rapist who paid for someone to hurt. It was extremely unlikely that he'd pay extra for his little sex toy to be okay.
Three: He had to find a hidden exit, or a window or something. He could take his clothes and leave.
…It wasn't likely that he'd find something the pimp and his men wouldn't know about. And if he went searching for it and they caught him, hell knew what they'd do to him then…
Light felt helpless for a moment. He stopped his train of thought and listened to the sounds from the other rooms, the voices, and some cars outside…
Outside…
It sucked. Outside sucked. He'd go out and only feel miserable like he did now. It wouldn't make any difference…Light was broken and he couldn't be saved, that was that. He'd never feel good again.
It was hard. Light sighed and began to cry again. Comfort, he longed to comfort so badly…
He would only find comfort outside…
He should go out. He started thinking again.
If he'd go back to the room where his clothes were shattered on the floor, he had to pass three doors with probably the same content behind it, and the chance was big that his pimp or someone else was waiting for him there to make sure he wouldn't leave…
…Though on the other side, there were more guys to care about. How many men would help the pimp…? Light couldn't be that important, he'd been when he was a virgin, but he wasn't anymore, now he was just dirty. And they probably thought that he was so shocked by everything that he'd not even bother going away after he'd been warned, out of fear what would happen after that…
If he'd get out, he'd go back and suffer from this trauma for a long time. His pride, his dignity, he didn't really have something to fight for, for himself. Maybe he could see his Dad once more. Maybe he could do something for Robby, like clearing his name if they thought he was a nameless junk or so…Though Robby had known quite a few people…Right, Light didn't want them to think Robby had done things to him. He vaguely remembered himself stripping, but that didn't bother him, he'd liked it himself later on…That had been the last time he'd felt pretty, he realized. Would L be mad? He wouldn't really care, probably… L was a heartless monster for hurting Light so bad, and even hurting himself. Stupid L. Stupid, stupid…
Light felt his feelings turn back, and tears blur the minimalistic room he didn't even care for to see. Stupid L with his stupid ego. He wouldn't even look at Light now, now that he was a stupid…discarded…dirty…piece of dust! Light hated L, he hated himself and he hated the words L had said. He just…hated everything! Stupid L, stupid…
He wanted to be comforted by someone. Just to hear a voice telling him it was gonna be okay. He could always end everything after that. He'd at least die by his own hand…
Maybe he should just go. He'd see what he'd do later on.
Light felt the cold air brush against his still soft skin.
No. Not without his clothes.
He wanted his clothes. He wanted to pull them on and get out of here… There was hope, he had to go through…
He had to…
Light decided he'd just go. The pimp wouldn't kill him just because he was searching for his clothes. It would mean he killed a source of money. If he just missed Light or forgot about him…
With hesitation, Light stepped out of the room.
There he was… Was he?
Yes, it had to be him. He was exactly like the little brunet described. The description 'too thin and hunching over' didn't sound impressing, but the boy standing on the other side of the broad street driving along Robby's neighborhood definitely was. Indeed, he hunched over and his fragile-looking bones pointed through his white shirt that looked unnatural in the dirty street he stood. He also had larger eye bags than Robby had ever seen on drug addicts (and hell he'd seen many of them), and they were black enough to mistake them for high-quality eyeliner. His hair was unruly and his clothes were sloppy, his shoes old and they showed he wasn't wearing any socks.
Despite that, he looked amazing. His skin was a pale white, contrasting with the dark alley he stood in front of. It was perfect, it seemed to glow a little, and the softness and feminine perfection were underlined by his wild locks. He had fine features, a bit childish and very boy-like. Robby could barely imagine it had been this boy speaking to him in such a deep voice.
He probably was the exact same height as the brunet. Tall enough to make his posture look natural, but not too tall, that would've broken the spell. The perfect length to look attractive, but very fragile between the taller and mostly broader (and high heel-wearing) men walking around here. No, this boy was fragile, there was no doubt… You could grab his waist and effortlessly carry him over your shoulder somewhere bad things would happen to him.
Just when Robby decided he had to go to him before those bad things would happen, the boy noticed him from out of the corner of his eye and turned his head to him. Robby felt his face burning under this boy's gaze. No, he wasn't fragile… His body looked like it, but he was not fragile. Robby crossed the street and walked up to the boy. He felt his eyebrows burn away while the wide and black eyes examined him. Black eyes? Interesting.
"Are you Ru?"
Like the little brunet, this boy had to look up a little to look Robby straight in the face, which he did without hesitation. The impressive eyes skimmed and pierced Robby before answering.
"You are Robby?"
Robby nodded. "Y-"
"-What do I think of molesting someone and calling an acquaintance to make them think it wasn't you who 'did it', when he'll be found back with a hole in his head?"
Wow. It was the voice he'd heard before, coming from the boy with the fine features standing in front of Robby...Wow.
Very Wow.
"You say with passion, you find it low…Right-o?"
Boy didn't blink.
"You are Robby."
He was as smart as he looked. Robby tried not to hug him like a panda pluchie.
"Help me search for our Lighto? Let's go."
Robby turned around, but he didn't hear footsteps behind him. He turned around, to see the boy staring at him with searing distrust in his eyes. He hadn't moved an inch.
"Wanna find that boy or not…?"
The black eyes widened until they were perfect circles. Black underlined circles with black locks falling over them.
"There are people watching us. I don't trust you at all. I just want to see Light alive and take him back. If you try to do something with me, you'll get shot. Believe me."
He was wow. He sure was very wow.
Finally, the feet moved and the boy came after Robby.
His clothes. Where were his clothes…
Light had noticed there was no one in the corridor leading to the room where he'd been raped first. The second, third, no, the fourth door…He opened it. His clothes were spread all over the floor. He'd been right.
Light grabbed his boxers and slid them on, the expensive silk boxers he loved so much. That was the last thing he'd worn as a virgin. He sighed when he slid his hands over his behind. The same taut curves through the same material. Nostalgic, in some way…
Painful.
He took his dark red jeans and pulled them around his hips, and tied his belt. Clothes. There were clothes covering his naked body. It felt a little better. Like some sort of protection…
Light suddenly realized that the fact that he had to pull them on again made clear that it didn't make any difference at all.
He took his black vest from the floor and started with the lowest button, and the one above that, and the one above that…
He left a soft line of chest visible, like he was used to. Still the same. The old Light had looked perfect. He had no reason not to keep it like that.
His hair. Hands through it, one over the back of his head and to the front, one lock falling back…Light felt he looked like he'd always done. Lock after lock, the confidence about his own appearance turned back a little…
…
His socks and shoes.
One of them was gone.
Light searched every corner of the room, under the Bed of his Doom…
No shoe.
Oh, well…It had to be possible like this…It didn't look logical to stay any longer because of a simple (but expensive) shoe.
He looked around one last time. Here was where it all had happened. Light was raped and he'd lost his virginity. A guy had humiliated him and enjoyed it. Here, on this bed, in this room. It pressed upon him. He opened the door and walked down the corridor, to the stairs. No people stopping him. No people looking at him in a way that told him to stop or run away.
It was surreal. He'd get out of here.
He passed the stairs, meeting other guys barely looking at him and older men who left him alone, thinking he was too expensive for them. No pimp. No bold guys. Light sighed when he stepped on the wooden parterre floor and saw the door.
He walked to it.
Closer.
The street lights lit his face.