A/N: Well…First, I wanted to say…Like you see, the former chap wasn't the end. Sorry if I freaked you out. I didn't mark it as 'complete' and I put something on my profile, but I can imagine some of you haven't noticed/read that. So…Well…Here, chap 6!!:D I hope you'll like it:D I sincerely hope this is NOT the kind of story that loses its charms as soon as it continues where it should've endedXD Really, I couldn't let it end like this, though I agree with some of you that it would've been a beautiful ending. But like (I hope^^) most of you, do I care for L and Light and do I hate sad endings. So…Here!!:P Read:D Thanks to everyone who reviewed, btw^^ I love to hear other's opinions.

Cheers:p

6. Guilt

The ambulance drove fast. Within minutes, they'd be in the hospital. Sirens boomed through the vehicle, alerting everyone outside there was somebody whose life was in possible danger. Sometimes the ambulance slowed down, and the one sitting inside of it were pushed into their seat. Sometimes there'd be a curve in the road, and they'd fall to their left or right. If there were holes or other imperfections in the road, they'd feel how their heads moved lightly as the wheels bounced in and out of them.

If you looked out of a window from any hotel in Tokyo, or in most other cities, you would see and hear many ambulances. Some of those people would die, some in the ambulance, some later, in the hospital, or somewhere else. Some wouldn't, they'd live. Maybe it turned out it was a false alarm and there hadn't been anything wrong. Maybe it was a little kid who saw the telephone and played with it, accidentally calling for an ambulance.

Light had done the same when he was five, he had said once.

It's imaginable Sachiko Yagami hadn't been happy when she saw an ambulance stop in front of her door, realized she hadn't heard Light for an hour, tripped over the stairs and found him in her and Soichiro's room, playing with their telephone. After a week, people were still asking if she was all right and Light had felt guilty as hell, he remembered. He'd only wanted to chat to someone who could tell him about working in an ambulance, how it was.

That's what Light had said once.

He'd never see this ambulance from the inside, though, as he was unconscious now. Vague sounds came from behind the wall separating the driver from what was happening with the injured one, to make sure he could concentrate on driving fast. Two numb-looking men stared at the asphalt disappearing out of sight as soon as the wheels of the ambulance drove over it. The blue lights flickered and the morning would break through the sky within an hour. Soichiro's shallow breathing was audible through the sounds of the sirens, but the driver didn't pay attention to it and continued to hurry to the hospital. No, he had no idea who it was, maybe dying behind him and still, it was Light's fate lying in his hands. The two people sitting next to him were happy that he drove very fast and smooth through the late night. Or early morning. The usual issue when talking about times like that.

There were voices coming from behind them. It wasn't clear what they were saying, but they sounded relatively calm. They were busy, that was clear, but no one was panicking, yet. It had been shocking to see Light. From a distance there wasn't much to see, but when they walked closer into that alley, where that guy had told them to go, you could see a body. Walking closer again made the shape of a slender body visible, lying on his back with his limbs lifeless, and visible deep cuts in his upper legs, drenching him in blood. His clothes had been ripped, his belt too, and there had been glass with a strange watery liquid dripping off pointing out of his foot. His face had been violated too, and his eyes thick like he'd done nothing than crying all the time.

He'd looked at their faces for a second and something resembling a smile had tugged at the corner of his lips, before his eyes had shut and all the expression had faded away from his face. How ironic…Was he mocking them…?

L didn't want to think about the reason why that all had happened. It was his fault, he knew that very well. He'd been mean.

Very mean.

Too mean.

He'd been cruel and sadistic.

And this was the result. No matter how you turned it, no matter if you said L had been right, no matter if you said this weren't his intentions. It was L's fault.

If only Light had known back then, thirteen years ago when he called an ambulance, how real guilt had felt. Then he wouldn't have complained, then he wouldn't even remember he felt guilty, years ago.

Because this…

This was probably worse than all the pain Light had gone through, and that must've been a lot. L would go through everything Light felt if it would stop the guilt that was currently searing his insides away.

Light. It was L's fault. It was all L's fault. L's fault Light cried. Once or twice, or probably more often. Way more often. The whole night.

It was L's fault Light had been lost. That he'd panicked over his way back, that he'd most likely doubted if he even wanted to go back, that he'd feared those things that had eventually happened.

It was L's fault too that Light was violated. The blood, his face, his foot… He was hurt, he had been in pain and would be again, if he were alive, and he wouldn't be in pain if L had been only a little less hard to him.

No, that wasn't even true. He shouldn't have been hard on Light at all. He should've reacted more calmly and tell Light why he couldn't return his love. Not yet. Not before Kira was caught.

Kira. That seemed so unimportant right now.

And L prayed, hell, he prayed to anyone who wanted to hear that that shark-like guy lied over what he'd done to Light. If it had really happened and if Light had been used like that, L would never be able to forgive himself. He'd seen it often. He'd solved so many cases involving rape and a lot of those people would never be the same again. He'd seen strong people, even stronger than Light, who'd turned into miserable nothingness after it happened to them. That all could happen to Light too. Hell no, please no… L crossed his fingers and breathed in and out, trying to light the indescribably tight feeling in his chest. He bit his lip. Light. 'Please, please be okay, Light-kun…'

He focused on the asphalt and blinked. What if Light was Kira…? L hadn't even thought about that yet. Surely Kira would be destroyed by this? There is no way his pride could deal with rape. Kira thought he was God, and God couldn't be raped. Kira was the one who punished the rapists. If Light was Kira, Kira wouldn't be anymore. If Light didn't remember and would regain his memories, he'd throw Kira away. Maybe pass his powers to someone else, but he'd never want to be Kira again.

And what if Light really couldn't remember being Kira, and all of this had happened because of…L…

L squeezed his eyes shut, and it would be an understatement to point out this wasn't something L did often. This felt horrible. Light, Light had been Kira, there was no other explanation, but if he lost his memories for a reason that didn't interest L right now, he wasn't Kira anymore, just Light. Light loved L and he told him in all that softness L was so fond of, and L had hit him where it hurt the most…

It hurt so badly to think about who Light was, or used to be. He was strong, he really was… so strong… But would he be strong enough to deal with this…? What would become of him? maybe he would keep scars from this marking him for life, and the emotional scars…And what if he wouldn't make it through…?

Guilt.

L had never felt something this painful, he was sure and hell, he'd felt a lot.

He'd actually seen people die that he was supposed to take care of, right in front of his… well, not eyes, camera, but that was still bad. He hated it. The first time, when he was thirteen, he'd been completely broken. It hurt. He'd been shocked, he felt guilty and he'd been horribly afraid, and still cried over it one year after it happened.

But it hadn't been this bad, he was very, very sure.

What about the man next to him? Soichiro, Light's Dad? What would happen to him? What would happen if Light didn't make it through, what would happen if he found out about the reason why…? He'd hate him. L was used to that, he'd always had people who wanted his head, and he'd never really cared about it, but this was different. Soichiro was a good person and he didn't deserve this. L respected his honesty and courage, and his love for his family. He'd find it really sad if he hated him.

He realized he had become emotionally attached to someone whose son had been raped because of him.

Sigh…He gripped his knees tightly and tried to breathe some of that guilt he felt out. In…Out…Slowly…Light would make it through…

L suddenly felt a voice from far away enter his head.

"Ryuzaki…We've arrived at the hospital."

He followed Soichiro to where the nurse led them to. A hospital. He'd been here with Light and Soichiro before, when Soichiro had a heart attack due to stress.

His fault too, he realized.

He was getting weak. He shouldn't think like this, it was useless.

He saw the halls of the hospital and followed the back of the brave man in front of him. He must be feeling even worse than L did…His son, his one and only son was in an unknown state of injury, and hell knew what else happened or would happen to him…All Light's life, he'd seen him grown up, his own flesh and blood, and it was unlikely there was any other son on earth who could've made a father prouder, and L had never seen anyone with a bigger heart than that man.

No, there was no one on earth you could hurt more like this than Soichiro Yagami.

The nurse pointed at an empty room filled with a few comfortable red couches they sat on. It was quiet for a few minutes. L pulled his knees tightly against his chest and hid his lower face behind them, his eyes gliding through the room without registering it. He listened to the shallow breathing of Light's Dad and closed his eyes again, to bury his face in his knees. He sighed. It sounded defeated, and that didn't go unnoticed by Soichiro. L felt a hand rubbing his back shakily and gently. He didn't move and let the hand do as it pleased, until it rested on his shoulder and L had to look up, into Soichiro's eyes. Soichiro looked bad too. He looked as if he was going to cry any minute. Both he and L gulped, and Soichiro sighed.

"Ryuzaki…Why did Light…"

Apparently L looked really defeated now, because Soichiro pulled a hesitant face and visibly considered pulling his hand away. L laid his cheek on his right knee and stared at the man without a real reason. Soichiro looked puzzled.

"Do you want to tell…?"

It was more like an appeal than a question. L wondered. What would happen if he told him…Would it help Light…? L didn't know. He didn't know how Soichiro would react on the fact that Light was gay –would Light want his Dad to know…? - and that L was the actual reason he ran away. On the other side…What would one of them win if he told a lie or something…? Just more insecurity and problems to solve. What should he do…?

Soichiro squeezed L's shoulder.

"Ryuzaki…Did Light… Run away because of…you…?"

The poor man was actually begging L for an answer. It didn't make the guilt poisoning L's body and mind lighter. What should he do…? He should have more time to think about things like this…

Before he could really think about it, L sighed and nodded. Lying wouldn't help and Soichiro wouldn't even believe it if he denied it. Soichiro didn't look surprised. He looked relieved L responded. He took a breath, as if preparing for something.

"Does it have something to do with Kira?"

L bit his lower lip.

"I'm afraid, yes."

Soichiro sighed and gripped onto L's shoulder a little tighter, as if trying to find some support in the bone he was now hurting. L didn't wince. That little hurt wasn't even worth a thought.

…Oh, the irony.

"Did you accuse my son of being Kira again?"

Again, it wasn't a threat. It wasn't severe. It didn't even sound directed to L. It was a question he didn't want the answer of.

"Yes. I did."

A sad sigh. Soichiro blinked. It was silent for a minute, and L practically smelled Soichiro preparing to ask something he already knew the answer of.

"Was that the reason why he actually walked away while he was…crying?"

L gripped onto his knees again. There it was. The moment of the truth. He knew Soichiro wasn't as bright as he or Light was, but he knew what went around in someone else's head, and had most likely noticed L or Light's love for the other. The second, probably.

"He told you he…Loves…"

Soichiro's breathing stopped for a second, waiting for L's response. L sat still for a moment, before he closed his eyes again and nodded. He heard Soichiro next to him sigh and rest his forehead in his hand. The guilt. So-much-guilt. It was unbearable. L thought he'd throw up if it went on for much longer. He gripped onto his stomach with his hand and curled up into a ball further. Soichiro sighed again, and sat up. L felt the eyes in his back and pulled his shoulders up to his ears, for as far as possible.

He startled visibly when he felt the hand on his shoulder again. Startling. That probably looked like an idiot. Oh well. Soichiro probably didn't even think about that right now.

"And you reacted by accusing him of being Kira…"

Was that supposed to make him feel better…?

L nodded nonetheless.

"...But what's more important in that matter, what do you feel for my son…?"

L was stunned. He had no idea what to think of this. He'd honestly thought of Light's Dad as a homophobe. Someone that…well…straight and…Japanese and all…Why did he act like this? Did he really care that much for Light? That was an option though…Soichiro would love his son more than he hated (or actually, misunderstood) homosexuals. That he would want to know something like that sounded strange to L. He turned his head to one of the few persons he'd learnt to truly respect over the years, through synthetic voices and camera's, to someone to work with on a personal level, to even the father of the one he loved, and looked at him, without blinking.

"Why do you want to know, mister Yagami?"

Soichiro saddened a little.

"I saw you together before-" Soichiro coughed, "…this happened. Light is happy around you. It's my son's luck, and if being with you can make him happy, then I agree with it."

Fine. Now L felt guilty for thinking of this man as a total homophobe. It couldn't get much worse…

A nurse came in and stood in front of them.

"Yagami Light's relatives…?"

She looked questioningly at L. L just nodded. Stupid nurse with her stupid suspicions.

Which were practically true.

"Right. I have to tell you that Yagami Light is stabile at the moment. His wounds have been disinfected and will heal quickly, most of them won't even leave scars. The liquid that entered his foot has been identified and it will be destroyed by the body itself within hours. His blood loss was small enough to keep him alive, and his pulse is normal right now. Well, ehm…We don't know when he'll wake up, but when he does he probably has to deal with the memories of being raped multiple times. We're testing him for diseases and the results should be ready within two days."

The nurse left, leaving L and Soichiro in shock. Raped. Multiple. Times. Light…

That was so unfair…

L vaguely noticed he was standing and sat down on the couch again, and curled up so tight that he felt the blood streaming out of his limbs. He shook and his breath was audible now, But he couldn't cry. He wished he could. It would make everything lighter, if only a little.

But he couldn't.

Next to him, Soichiro started sobbing. It sounded so sad, so…Broken…L felt himself almost choking. He had to do something or he'd actually die from regret and that maddening guilt…

But Light was raped. Light was raped multiple times…Probably by the men he'd seen in that alley…Or more…? Light-kun… L wanted to cry so badly. He whispered Light's name and tried to force the tears out, but he felt dried. Like he was a sun-dried tomato, or a raisin. Raisin. Sweet.

Blegh.

The thought of food made him want to throw up again.

Instead, he leaned his head back and let his knees fall until he sat normally and couldn't think straight anymore. He didn't want to think about all those things. All he wanted was to cry. To throw out everything that was piercing his heart. Sure, yeah, he had a heart. And it hurt like hell.

All he wanted was to see Light and comfort him, hold him and make him forget everything that happened. Heal him, so that he could go on with his life again, but that could mean L had to let him go. L would remind him of his rape forever.

He wanted to turn back time back twelve hours. How late was it, 7:30AM…? Soichiro hadn't slept, and the other men hadn't either, how tired did they have to be…? L didn't know, he wasn't affected by a single night without sleep. 7:30PM, yesterday. What had he and Light been doing, back then...? Eating, Watari had made Light a steak. Right. And Light had found it delicious and practically forced L onto eating it too. L hadn't liked it, but Light understood. He'd offered L another piece, covered in sugar. With sugar, L liked steak. Light had laughed warmly at the face L tried not to pull when he tasted the pepper covering the piece of meat.

Light's laugh. L wanted to hear it, to know Light was fine. He suddenly heard the sobs next to him and looked at Soichiro Yagami. He was broken. More than L, probably. His family, his dear son, something had happened to him…Something really bad…He probably felt like his life was ending here. L had a hard time to decide what had to be worse. Being rejected harshly and raped multiple times in one night, having to know that all of that happened to your son, or having to deal with the guilt because you were the one who caused all that.

He chose for the second one.

Or the first…?

And hell yeah, this guilt was the most shitty feeling L ever experienced.

But, he'd never been raped and he didn't have a son.

So he didn't know if he actually had a say in that matter.

He listened to the sobs again. They were the saddest L had ever heard. It was almost like a bad movie. This all was a bad movie. Maybe they were just plotting against him, and were there cameras everywhere.

Yeah, as if that would happen. The chance was less than two percent…

Stupid numbers. All they were good for was impressing others. He didn't even mean anything by it…

L felt the shadow of a grin flicker in his stomach.

But it was gone again after a few seconds.

Thoughts. They kept on running through his mind, without being important or useful in some way. L wanted to stop it. He didn't want to think anymore. He felt sicker than he'd ever done before.

He wanted to throw up or cry. Or both. As long as it made him feel a little better. As long as it would make the sickening feeling in his core disappear.

He felt a hand squeezing his shoulder again and L saw in those eyes the guilt he felt was painted on his face. Soichiro looked like an old dog whose boss had died. So sad and broken, but he still paid attention to L.

Such a good man. L was so touched, and still he couldn't simply cry. God, what he'd pay to be able to do that. He'd give the whole world for five short minutes of just sobbing and moaning like there was no tomorrow. Though he knew he could never do that. If L cried, it was never more than silent tears.

Light could cry. Light had cried twice in front of L. Once when he and L had been fighting because Light was moody, and Matsuda had spilled a few cups of hot coffee over him, Light had cried. In the kitchen, without looking ashamed. And after that, he'd smiled and crushed L in a stifling embrace, thankful that he'd wanted to listen to him and comfort him. He'd also cried tears with sprouts when L had rejected him.

Yes. Light could cry. He was blessed.

How sad. Light-kun. Soft, strong, sweet, arrogant, sensitive Light-kun. L wanted to hold him so bad, comfort him like he'd done back then…

Another nurse stopped in front of them, raising an eyebrow when she saw Soichiro rubbing L's back. L raised an eyebrow too. She saw it and blushed. L suddenly got the strong impression that those bitches had been talking about him, and it wasn't hard to figure out what they thought of him.

Homophobes.

Really, had they never seen a man comforting another...?

"I have come to offer the gentlemen a drink. Can I tempt you with some water or a coffee? For proper food: there's a sandwich corner two streets away."

L tried to look as dark as he could when he announced he wanted a double espresso, extra fine, with nine fucking sugars. It worked. She blinked and tried to get away from his stare. L felt the urge to grin, and he let one of the corners of his mouth twitch simultaneously with his eyebrow.

Really, her stare. This was almost starting to become funny.

Soichiro noticed it and ignored L, but looked mildly disturbed at the looks of the nurse. "I'd like an espresso too. Black is fine."

The nurse nodded. "As you wish, gentlemen."

Coffee. L stared at the end of the hall, where the morning light was flowing through the windows. He suddenly felt empty. Very empty. He should've been showering together with Light now. They could've been together. They could've been kissing, naked-fighting and laughing in the shower. He could've done that and let Kira wait for later. Light wasn't Kira anymore. He could've talked about it with Light and found a solution together, but that wasn't possible now…

Ah. The coffee. L gulped it down his throat in a second. The sugar hadn't dissolved yet and it was too bitter and far too hot, and he almost choked on the pieces of sugar cube coming after the coffee. It filled him up from the inside. As if a little piece of his guilt had been burnt away, as if there was a little less space for it left in his stomach. The warmth lightened the empty feeling a little.

The sugar cubes just tasted good.

He heard a door open and voices talk. Nurses came outside, and a broad and tall man came out and addressed them with another 'gentlemen'. He coughed.

"Yagami…" He glanced at the piece of paper he was holding- "…Light's life is out of danger and we are sure he'll heal completely. We haven't found any sexual diseases, which is a wonder. A few tests are in progress, but we don't expect much from them. He talks again already, though slow and confused. He may not remember anything yet, due to what was probably a kick against his head, but that will come back later. You may visit him now."

The man smiled at them and lied a hand on L's shoulder. He was six feet tall and looked down upon him. L didn't feel especially tall today…He didn't like that man, and those nurses. They talked about someone's life like it was nothing for them.

…It was, practically, but L still felt annoyed when they acted so calmly when they talked about his Light being destroyed and used. He had to look up a little before he could look the doctor straight in the face again. Short…

"Boy, ehm…Maybe it's better not to tell him what happened, yet. It's better to let his memories turn back by itself. Good luck."

A wink. Was that a homophobe, did he think L was too stupid to think of that himself, or both, or none of them? L decided he didn't care a fuck about it and walked to the door in the back of the hall.

He held in his breath when he stepped through the door, to meet the gaze of a bandage-covered Yagami Light.

***