7. Ignorance

L stopped in the doorway when he saw, felt, tasted Light's eyes falling on him. He startled when he noticed all the plaster that covered his could-have-been boyfriend.

He really looked beaten. His left cheek was covered by a swab, and his right cheek was packed in something that looked like plaster. His arms lied next to him, infusions coming out of his swollen wrists. There were several scratches and a big bruise on his arm. His face lit up when he saw the two familiar faces appear. He spoke a little slow and soft, but still vivid and delighted.

"Ryuzaki, Dad, you're here! What happened? They don't want to tell…"

L clenched his fist and sat down on one of the chairs next to Light's bed. Light smiled at him as if he had no idea that L had rejected him like that. He acted like how he used to before what happened nine hours ago, or something like that. 8:03AM. Light ran away at 11:02PM. Yes. Almost exact nine hours. L sighed, and Light's smile disappeared when he saw L's expression. L had noticed before that Light had become familiar with his facial expressions and could read him as good as L could read Light. But, no one could have missed a certain expression that stuck to L's features like honey that moment, and he couldn't eat it off. Sadly. He tried to smile at Light to calm him down a little, but he felt it wasn't working. Light looked worried.

"It's fine, Ryuzaki, I'm alive…You look like you threw me in front of a bus or something. Don't worry, whatever you did, I'm not mad, okay?"

Light thought it had been a car accident that happened, clearly… and he thought L had forced him on going somewhere, and that accident happened while he didn't actually want to be there.

Yes, L and Light knew each other's thinking patterns by now…

The person next to L shifted closer to his son and rested his elbows on his knees.

"Light, what is the last thing you can remember?"

Soichiro. He had the right to see how Light was doing, first.

Light blinked and stared at the ceiling for a second.

"I remember… Eating together with you, Ryuzaki… Steak, and you ate a piece too."

A smile slid over Light's pretty, but beaten features.

"And after that you took a piece of strawberry cake and you took that upstairs. That is the last thing I remember...Am I right?"

L nodded. "Yes Light-kun. You're right."

Light visibly worried about L. "Ryuzaki, don't worry, please…"

L tried to smile so hard, but he failed epically. Light now looked at his father.

"Dad, what happened? Why won't anybody tell me…? If I'll never be able to walk again or need a donor kidney, you can tell. I can handle it, okay?"

Soichiro shook his head and started sobbing again. Light's eyes widened and he began to touch his own body, in an attempt to find something that could tell him why his Dad was crying so hard. When he peeked into the hospital clothing he was clad in to see if there was anything that could tell him, Soichiro shook his head again and looked up at his only son, who looked so pure and innocent right now.

"No, son, there is nothing wrong with your organs and limbs and you'll probably heal within less than a month…"

Light blinked and looked from his father to L, who both looked down. He leaned back in the big pillow and slanted it so he could look around the room. L watched his eyes roll and his hand touching his forehead.

"My head hurts…"

Soichiro moved a little closer to his son again.

"You really don't remember a thing…? Are you hurt, how do you feel…?"

Light grimaced. "I can't feel my legs, they said they paralyzed them…They gave me painkillers, but they're not working yet. My face and arm feel a bit…destroyed and my head hurts. Apart from that, I feel fine."

He smiled softly. At L, mostly.

Soichiro saw it and stood up. "Should I leave you two alone for a second…? I'm outside. I think your mother might be worried after hearing you were in the hospital, Light. I'm going to call her to tell her you are alright. I see you two later."

He left, and the silence hung in the, apart from L and Light, empty room thickly. L didn't know what to say, and that felt unnatural to him. Light looked at him, pulled a compassionate face and outstretched an arm.

"Ryuzaki…Don't feel bad, I'm fine, really…"

L hesitated. He and Light always hugged when they wanted to show the other it was fine. It was one of their favorite ways of showing the other acceptance. Of course, a hug meant more for them than that, but… L didn't feel like he deserved it, definitely.

Light had his arm still outstretched, inviting L to hug him. His eyes weren't pleading, but certain that he'd get that hug, whether it was now or within half an hour. L couldn't suppress a soft smile. This was so much like Light. Without his memories Light was untouched. He stood up and had to climb upon the bed before he could slide his arms around Light's shoulders and hold him tight. Light sighed softly, laid his head against L's and rubbed his back softly. L closed his eyes and inhaled Light's scent.

Light.

He didn't know what had happened to him.

He didn't know.

As soon as he remembered, he'd probably not want to touch others anymore. This could be the last hug L would give Light for the next few months, if not years.

No. This was probably the last time he hugged Light, ever. The last time he'd come really close to him. It was either Light hating him because of what he'd done to him, directly or indirectly, or Light staying reluctant for physical contact for so long that both decided to go on with their lives like they'd done before, without each other, to live in peace. L sighed in pure sadness and tried to enjoy Light's warmth and scent the best he could.

'I'm so sorry. I'm so horribly sorry, Light-kun…'

L bit his lip. He felt like he was going to cry. But if he would, there would be no way he could stop himself, and it would only make Light worry. Plus, he'd never seen L cry before. L didn't know if he wanted him to, today.

He didn't sob. He didn't make other pathetic sounds. He wasn't crying. Light noticed L making a dry sound and pushed him back a little, so that he could see his face, and L knew that though he didn't cry, he looked horrible. This was weird. He wasn't used to others watching him this torn up. L moved away a little so that he sat on the bed, next to his raped love. He pulled his knees a little tighter; his shoes were standing in front of the bed anyway. Light looked at him for a minute before tilting his head to the side and soothing L's hair.

"Ryuzaki…Are you crying…?"

L bit his lip again. He tasted blood and Light reached out for a few tissues to clean it.

"Now don't do that, okay? I am the injured one. You can stay healthy."

The injured one. The raped one. L gasped when Light touched his lip. It hurt. A little compared to what Light had to feel…

"Do you feel that much pain, Light-kun…?"

Light tried to shift a little closer to L to get some better access to his lip, and to comfort him, but failed and pulled a pained face. L had to move closer again before Light could really touch him.

Light was close. L had always enjoyed Light being close to him, and though he couldn't but enjoy it, it made him feel bad. Light smiled at L, and L noticed him looking at his lips longingly.

'Light-kun, why did all this have to happen…?'

"A little. They told me they gave me painkillers and paralyzed my lower body. I can't feel or move my legs. I already looked, they're still there." Light laughed softly, and L disappeared in the sound for a second. He wanted to hear this. "My right foot is packed in band-aid. Did something happen to it…?"

L couldn't bring himself to tell Light he stepped in a pain-intensifying drug from some criminal. He pulled the infusion wires aside, shifted closer to Light and lifted him up, so that Light sat against him, his head resting against L's shoulder. L took his head in his arms, soothing his hair.

"Nothing bad happened to your feet, Light-kun. There's a simple wound because of something sharp. It will heal quickly."

Light sighed. "Oh, okay. There's really nothing with my body…?"

L shook his head. "Nothing like that happened to your body."

He couldn't tell what actually had happened with Light's body. He thought he was a virgin, he had no idea that it hadn't been a car accident…

"But why…did Dad cry like that, and do you look so…"

"Guilty. Don't even need to name it, Light-kun."

Light blinked, knocked off balance by L's sudden outburst, and the not-to-be-named-feeling in L's chest grew again until he thought it would push Light's head away. He sighed and resisted the urge to bite his lip again and spill blood in Light's hair.

"I'm sorry, Light-kun. I know…It's just…We were worried about you, and we were shocked but it's fine now. You'll heal."

Light didn't look convinced and looked up at L's face, turning a little so that he had to lift himself up. This was Light when he was acting stubborn. There we go... "You really look bad. There's something you're all hiding from me. Why won't you tell me? I want to know, this feels bad. I only want to know what happened so I can deal with it, and get used to it before I get my memories back, okay? Please, Ryuzakiiii…"

L just bit his lip again and he tasted his own blood once more. He couldn't tell, he couldn't tell… Light wouldn't predict something like this could have happened. He was wrong, desire to know this wasn't as bad as knowing it…It had been the doctor's advice not to tell him and L had seen people knowing they were raped, but he'd never dealt with something like this, involving him personally... Light had to regain his memories himself. It was a natural process.

Light realized L wasn't going to tell him and apparently decided it was quicker to figure it out himself. He laid his head back on L's shoulder, naturally, without seeming to think about it too much. Light had done this before, it was normal for L and Light to rest their head on the other's shoulder. And yet, it unnerved L. He didn't deserve this.

"If it's not physical, it has to be mental…" Light's eyes widened. "Did someone die in front of my eyes? Have I seen someone being ripped apart? But then, you must've seen it too! You were with me, due to the handcuffs, right..?"

L focused his gaze on the ceiling. "No. You haven't seen anyone dying and I wasn't with you. Please, Light-kun, stop asking. This is hard for both of us, please rest, okay? For myself and your Dad."

Light looked at him stubbornly. L sighed.

"I beg you. Please stop asking me things like that."

Wrong answer. Very, very wrong answer. Light pushed L away and leant on his hands, as straight as he could.

"So, something bad happened, now I'm sure! Why don't you just fucking tell me, if those doctors don't, fine, but I thought YOU were on my side! Fuck you, Ryuzaki!"

L felt a trail of blood wetting his chin. Yes, it wasn't fun, being torn apart by your own conscience. One half telling you to leave him pure, and the other half, your guilt begging you to tell him…And Light himself, of course…This was hard. Everything was just so damn hard…

L let himself fall back and stared at the ceiling, his whole body lifeless, except the poison in his core. This had officially became too much. L knew very well how to deal with feelings and he was strong, experienced with people without memories, with guilt and with love for others, but this was way too much for one night. He curled up like a ball with his back to Light, and gripped to his stomach again. He felt like choking. He wanted to get away from here, and on the other side he needed to stay with Light.

Choking. Suffocating. Everything.

Light worried again when he saw L's reaction, and touched his shoulder.

"Oh, s-sorry, Ryuzaki, I didn't mean it like that. I just want to know what happened, that's everything… My head hurts, normally it'd all be clear, but it's all a bit blurry to me…and I want someone to tell me what happened. And if you don't I'm sure no one will. Can you understand how that is…?"

L nodded. He understood exactly how Light felt, like usual. He understood his worries and his fears, and why he'd want L to tell him, but that only made it worse for him. He felt Light's hand lay down on his side (not his shoulder, which would've been more…casual) and touch his ribs gently. L knew that Light would feel it if he'd sob, sigh or choke now.

"I understand, Light-kun. I understand what you mean and feel, but please, just regain your memories yourself." L turned around and faced Light. He looked so worried it was downright heart-breaking. "You'll soon understand. It's not nice what happened, and it's my fault, so know you're allowed to blame it all on me, but…I'll always be there for you, okay..?"

That sounded corny and completely out of character, but L meant it, from the bottom of his heart, and that didn't go unnoticed by Light. L sighed and sat up, let his legs fall and leaned to the slanted part of Light's bed. He could smell Light, that was how close he was…L suddenly felt like kissing him, just hold Light close and make him forget he existed, but it was a very bad idea. Light would only get more and more confused, he'd get mad when he regained his memories and L didn't want to kiss Light for that reason. It would be too dramatic and Light would only keep bad memories about it. L started to soothe Light's hair but stopped with it soon enough. It was confusing for Light, he was sure. He sighed and leaned his head back. Light. Light. Light. Guilt. It was almost as if it had become one in that short amount of time. Light. Guilt. He couldn't think about guilt without thinking about Light, and the other way round.

Light.

Guilt.

L wondered how it would feel to see it all disappear, to leave Light alone without his memories, and to leave all the guilt in this far too thin body behind. What would it be like, what would happen to Light…? He'd have his revenge, he'd see the one who did all this to him die in pain and guilt, right in front of his eyes. First, he'd be shocked and full of grief, but later he'd regain his memories and know it had been good for L to die.

No, wait. This wasn't right, this wasn't the right way to think, and most of it wasn't even true. L had to be the strong one, it wasn't righteous to expect Light to be. What he said was right, L had to be there for Light, he'd done this but he'd set things right. And though it probably wouldn't work, he had to give Light the chance to heal , and he'd need L for that. L sighed again and hugged Light a little tighter. Guilt or not, L would be there for Light.

Guilt.

That guilt. That wouldn't heal.

Light blinked. Weird. Why was everybody acting so weird? Something really bad happened, something…he shouldn't know. Something L felt really bad about, that was way too clear. He tried to read L's expression some more. Guilt, more guilt, pain and self-loathing. Poor L, what was going on in his head…? And what, WHAT had happened to him?

He wondered what had to be so bad that they acted like this. It had been a car accident, what could've brought him in that state if it hadn't been that…? A fight? L and Light had fought again…? No, L would never hit him hard enough to make him lose his memories. Right? Oh…Was that why he was looking so guilty…? Well then, why did his Dad look so sad and why did everybody so mysterious…?

Be there for him? He was going to need help, psychological help, but what could that have to do with a traffic accident…? Had it been that traumatic, had he seen things happen no one should ever see, was he scarred without knowing it…? And L hadn't been there, had he let him go and was that why he felt that guilty…?

Had it been a car accident, actually…?

Light's heart pounded. He suddenly felt anxious.

"Ryuzaki…I don't know if I want my memories back…"

L shook his head and took Light's hands in his. "No. You don't want to, Light-kun."

It was quiet for a few minutes, Light lay back against L's shoulder and gripped his throbbing head, L held his hand like every friend would do if someone close would be in a state like this. Light squeezed the hand. What happened, what had L done to him he was so guilty about…? Had he done something directly, with the wrong intentions, or had it been indirectly…? Would it make a difference…? Light's head throbbed harder, but he wanted to find out. What did he know…?

L had done something to him that was so bad that no one wanted to tell him, that had made his Dad cry and Light's memories disappear…His legs were intact but numbed, his body was covered with wounds and there was something with his face Light didn't want to know. L hadn't been with him when IT happened, and he either felt so guilty that he soothed Light's hair and allowed him to lay his head on his shoulder…Or they were together. Light's cheeks got red. Could it be that…? Had they been…How long had he been out…?

Light shifted closer to L again, and L made another dry sound. It sounded so guilty…Really…It was painful to see L like this. Light's heart ached.

"Ryuzaki…Don't be sad, okay?"

He wondered how many times he'd said that.

L made that same sobbing sound without tears. He wanted to cry, but he couldn't…? Light touched his face. L's skin was so soft and sensitive…Light lost himself in the softness for a second. He actually didn't really care about what happened. L was here, he was close and he was soft, warm and toned as always (meaning: bones with slight, hard muscles which were only soft because of the skin covering them. But still sexy). Light would get his memories back and he'd understand it all, and he could tell L he didn't care about him. Whatever L had done, he regretted it and it couldn't be that L had hurt him directly. L had probably insulted him with resulting in Light going away and some accident happened…Had he been beaten or something…?

Light didn't want to know, now that he really thought about it. The memories of some bat hitting his face could wait. Now that he thought about it, it could be typically L to feel guilty about that. He'd seen things like that before, and Light figured that L had seen enough people being violated because he was too late to save them or something…This had to drag up memories. And it was Light, the one he was so close with…Yes, this had to be hard.

They sat there for hours, it felt, though Light saw on the big silver clock that it were only ten minutes. He sighed. What would happen if he'd get his memories back…? What would it change…? He wasn't sure of anything now, he realized. His relationship with L, with himself, his Dad, this world…He had no idea how it was going to change. He himself didn't feel like he missed much important memories, to him it felt like he'd gone upstairs with L after the cake, he'd walked away to tease the other genius and got hit by a car or something. But more had happened, he was sure.

His head now really throbbed. He decided he'd better go asleep, maybe…? He was drowsy, and L's presence was relaxing. He snuggled a little closer to L, if possible, who tensed a little but relaxed again after a few seconds. Sigh…

Light was asleep when L bowed his head and prayed for the first time in years.

His son. His only son…What happened to him…?

Soichiro hung up the phone after he'd told Sachiko to stay home, actually begged her to stay home. He was afraid, almost as afraid as the time he'd lost both Light and Sayu when they were picnicking close to a lake. After it had gone dark, the police had found them in a forest nearby, Light wounded and his arms around Sayu, who cried. Light had fought with a fox, apparently. Soichiro had no idea why a fox would attack a little boy, but later it turned out Sayu had found fox babies and she picked them up to take care of them, when Mommy Fox appeared. Light had protected Sayu with all his power, he'd gone to the hospital and he'd came out packed in plaster. He still had a little scar in his right eyebrow, but it was too small to really see it. And he'd held Sayu all the time, even when they found him back, he wouldn't let her go until she was safe in Sachiko's arms. The fox had survived without serious injuries, the babies were alright and Light and Sayu were found back.

But during those few hours, Soichiro had thought his entire world collapsed.

And he'd felt the same again. He still felt it.

Almost everything he'd feared for had happened.

But he didn't know what would happen after this.

Back then, it had been okay as soon as they'd found both his precious children back, alive. Light had been wounded, but all he'd thought about were Sayu and the fox babies. He had no idea that fox would've killed him if she would've bitten or scratched the six-year-old boy in the wrong place. Light had been okay, and they were all happy that it had ended happy.

But now, it was different. More complicated, more mature, and way more frightening.

This time it wouldn't be Soichiro who felt the worst, it would be Light.

Soichiro started crying again, and two old women in nurse-costume passing him looked at him and mumbled something, and it sounded like gossiping. No…This wasn't the kind of hospital where they gossiped like it was a soap what happened around them, right…?

The door opened and L stepped out, closing the door carefully. He slouched at Soichiro, and everything about him screamed 'defeated'. He looked like he needed to cry badly, it was painted on his face, in his body language, everything Soichiro was sensitive for. It startled him. He'd seen L 'defeated' before, but he always kept his cool and wrestled through it, to continue what he'd been doing as if nothing happened. He'd never seen or heard him like this and that frightened him too. Why couldn't L be strong, smile that smile of his and tell Soichiro Light was going to be okay, that he'd take care of that personally…?

L turned his head to Soichiro slowly and Soichiro could make out a soft "Light-kun is sleeping peacefully," almost inaudible. It sounded like L was almost choking on something. "He kept on asking what happened, but I didn't tell him."

It was the same voice, the same monotone that Soichiro had became familiar to, but softer. Soichiro could barely hear what he was saying. He sighed and wiped his tears away.

"Ryuzaki…I asked you before, but…Do you love my son?"

He waited five seconds. Ten. Twenty. Then, slowly, L nodded and let his head fall, so that the long black locks covered his face from the side, and Soichiro couldn't see his expression. He suddenly felt bad for L. How guilty did he have to feel…? He regretted everything, he was torn up inside too…

Soichiro wrapped his arms around L and held him tightly, and felt L bury his face in the shoulder of his suit, though he kept his hands in his pockets. It felt comforting, L was the exact same height as his son and his shoulders were about as broad. Soichiro held him, even when the two nurses came back and started giggling irrationally. He held him when the doctor came along, smiled 'fatherly', and patted L on his back, making the young man startle perceptible. He still held him when he realized he was holding The World's Greatest Detective he'd only spoke to through a synthetic voice for many years, and the one who'd caused his son to run away. The one who'd walked downstairs five minutes after Light, to ask if they knew where Light was, restlessness in his eyes. The one who'd announced they were on a search for him as soon as they said Light had walked away, crying. It all seemed so far away…

He let him go when L stepped back and took his cell phone to call someone he called 'Robby-person'.

When he hung up and looked at Soichiro for a brief second, Soichiro thought he saw Light behind those eyes.