8. Cut

Some things were heart-breaking.

Light was one of those things.

The first time L felt real heartache because of Light, was when he thought Light was trying to kill him, despite the friendship they'd built together. He thought Light was trying to make him feel guilty, to make L love him so much he couldn't think clear anymore. To get him to completely trust him and tell Light his name, or release him again, or both.

The second time was when he realized Light was probably telling the truth about his feelings, and may not be Kira. The memory of Light's expression, the pain… L had hurt him deeply, he was sure. He'd started wondering there how long it would take to comfort Light.

Then, he realized he'd let Light go, feeling uncomfortable on his own, and started searching. Light wasn't downstairs, he ran out, according to everyone…They'd found a possible lead to Kira, and decided to check it out, even if it would cost the night. L and Light had gone upstairs; Light had deserved a break after he'd done so much for the investigation. Normally he complained, but today he seemed occupied by something else. He was probably thinking about telling L he loved him…

The third time was when L saw Soichiro's face after an hour of searching for Light, the fourth time was when he thought Light had been raped by Robby. From the fifth time, when he heard the shark-like guy say he'd raped Light, it had been nothing but ache, actually.

And again today. L hadn't slept, of course, he and Soichiro had stayed in Light's room to watch him sleep, both occupied by their own thoughts. L had wondered how Light could sleep under their stares. That had to be an effective medicine…

L would almost leave to search for some good sleeping medicines himself.

But Light woke up at seven o'clock on the minute, after he'd slept for more than seventeen hours. The doctor said the long hours of sleeping were a reaction of his brain on all that happened, a way to rearrange everything. He didn't know it yet, but the memories were somewhere, and he'd get them back sooner or later.

Light hadn't yet, and now he was munching his hospital-breakfast like he'd never get any more again. L watched it with slight jealousy. Eating was so satisfying, but only the thought made his stomach twitch. He wanted to be hungry too…

"Do you want the muffin, Ryuzaki?"

L looked from the muffin to Light, and back to the muffin. He took it, because he knew it would make Light happy, and tried to work it down his throat. It tasted like pasteboard and it took him half an hour to get the fairly big muffin away. Cranberries. He normally loved those. Light watched it with curiosity, and he looked cute…

An hour later, he was crushed by his mother and sister, who'd heard about him and came to visit. Light smiled and wrapped his arms around them. The tears from the women cut L too.

"Light, I haven't left you alone to find you like this…"

L and Soichiro glanced at each other for a second.

"I'm not alone, Mum, I live with Ryuzaki now…"

Sachiko stood up and looked around, and her gaze fell on L.

"Are you Light's friend?"

A broad and genuine smile formed on her face, and Sayu looked at him too, with a curiosity the Yagami children seemed to share.

"Um…We aren't together… But Light was allowed to stay at mine. We're both working on the Kira-case with Yagami-san…"

Light looked disappointed about something. Sachiko didn't seem surprised that her son was working on the case. Soichiro had told her on the phone, just after Light had been imprisoned. L knew it, but he hadn't had the heart to stop him. It wouldn't matter anyway.

L had seen a minor change in her face when he said he and Light weren't together. Guess Sachiko liked him more than Misa…

"A friend of Light's, huh? Well, we hope you can take care of Light. Make sure he doesn't work on the case for as long as he isn't healed yet, okay?"

L nodded. He didn't deserve this, Light's mother being so nice to him. It cut.

Everything cut. It didn't matter who did what, everything cut in L's eyes and chest. He needed sleep, he needed food, he needed comfort and he needed to cry… And it didn't go unnoticed by Sachiko.

"Dear, are you alright? You look pale…"

Un.

Der.

State.

Ment.

She tilted her head to the side. Everyone was looking at L now. He felt like an intruder in the Yagami family, like someone who was destroying it. No, who already destroyed everything. They were so kind, every one of them looked a little worried and so compassionate… L didn't feel like he could handle it. It would hurt, but it would be better if they sent him out and told him to never show up again. That would make it all a little easier, the guilt a little less… L wouldn't have to hide the fact he caused all this.

Light laughed a little.

"Ryuzaki, stop thinking this was your fault. It wasn't, I'm sure. And if it is, I have already forgiven you because you suffered enough from guilt."

He outstretched his arms. "Come here."

For a moment, L didn't know what to do. Hugging Light, fine; but hugging him in front of his family…? Something stopped him. It felt like betrayal. Lying had been his nature ever since he'd been born, but hugging Light would be like telling all these people he didn't have anything to do with it, and that was too much, even for him. He shook his head lightly and focused on the floor, but Soichiro stood up and patted on his back.

"Don't be unreasonable, Ryuzaki. We don't blame you. All this is just an accident."

If only they knew…

L stood up and hugged Light, and he got pulled down by his ex-chain mate. Light crushed him, and it hurt. But it hurt good.

L felt exhausted, really, deeply exhausted, from the bottom of his soul.

Wow…Weird. Leg hurts. Those kiddo's didn't even know how to handle a gun…They could shoot with it, but little kids shouldn't play with guns. This is what you get from it…

Robby grunted when he tried to stand up, and leaned on his shot leg. Those nurses… They tried to keep him here, but Robby didn't plan to do so…He had to help his mates. He was in the hospital, he was forced to stay there for two nights…They'd operated on his leg, removed the bullet and told him not to stand on it. Robby didn't care…It was his leg. It would heal anyway, and his friends were going home too, he knew…

He stood up, walked to the middle of the small and sterile room and took crutches. That should do it… He walked to the door, stepped out and saw two nurses walking at him.

"You're not allowed to go out, mister… ?"

She pulled her eyebrows up. Robby grimaced when he leaned on his leg.

"You can't know my name…And I go out if I want to, ma'am."

He received two weird glances, and browsed over the long corridor. How should he go back…? Taxi, maybe…Jack and Gunner had a bullet in their arms, they couldn't drive…

He stopped when he saw a not too tall figure crouch down on a red couch in the main room of his floor, his face buried in his arms. He walked –stumbled- closer and recognized the wild and night-black hair, and the sloppy clothes. Hey…He hadn't seen him since he ran away to search Lighto, with Lighto's Dad…

"Ru."

The black hair moved and a face appeared from underneath the wild bangs. Robby was startled when he saw the expression on the young face in front of him. What was the right word to describe it…? Exhausted? Guilty? The combination, that was it… He was pale, even more than after he'd unarmed those gang kiddo's with his gun…

"Feeling dead?"

Ru seemed to have problems with keeping his eyes open. He nodded and turned his gaze to the floor, not as a sign for Robby to leave him alone, but because he couldn't but do so.

"Yeah…Know how you feel."

Ru still had the energy to give Robby a skeptic look. Robby didn't try to ignore it.

"Really…Know how you feel. Guilty."

Ru rolled his eyes. Of course, I look like it, idiot.

Robby shook his head. "Did the same."

Ru had looked away, but he focused on Robby again, with surprised interest under the enormous burden that seemed to make him hunch even more. Robby continued.

"Had a cute boyfriend too. Years ago. Boy committed suicide."

Ru lifted his head from his arms. Robby had his attention. The two nurses from a minute ago walked by, eyed Ru suspiciously, and looked at Robby.

"Hey, he's taken already, hands off!"

Robby waited until their giggling had ceased away, the glaze door fell shut and Ru turned to him again, his face now a mixture of guilt, interest and annoyance.

"Wanna know details…?"

The black bangs moved when Ru nodded.

"Fine…Had a love, years ago. Very cute. Resembled Lighto very much. Didn't trust him; rejected him. Boy sad, boy ran away, raped, everything. Saw him in the hospital later. Boy was angry. Didn't want me to make it up to him. Boy depressed… Committed suicide."

Ru looked at him, eyes big. Lips formed a 'sorry' he couldn't say, probably…

"There's something have to tell you… I asked Lighto to strip for me. Only his shirt. Just wanted to see my boy again, even if only once…"

Ru's lips parted in shock. Robby knew how that went, his brain stopped recording after 'Lighto to strip for me'… He felt guilty for the poor boy, but he couldn't lie to him.

"Did he do it…?"

Robby nodded. "Didn't rape him. I swear, ask him-"

"He lost his memories. Of course he'll not tell if that happened. I trusted you. Maybe you should've told this when we first spoke, on the phone?"

Very sharp. Ru's voice had deepened again, he sounded dangerous, like he'd done earlier that night…He had placed one foot on the floor, to lean closer to Robby. The fire was back. Robby was impressed…This was Ru how he met him first, but Robby understood his pain… It's hard to trust others. You trust someone and this happens… This was just another blow to the boy's trust in others.

"'f I would've told you then, you would've never listened to a word I said, Ru. But, you're right. Know how you feel, sorry. I should've told you before."

Ru sat back, his body language still 'alert'.

"Is there something more I should know, apart from details about this? I'll hear from Light-kun himself anyway."

Back with Light-'kun'. Wasn't necessary to Robby…

"Dunno…Details aren't interesting, I think…"

"You at least touched him afterwards. How did he react?"

Robby sighed. Ru was very resolute. "He…enjoyed it."

He expected more angry looks, but Ru just fell silent, and back on the couch. He laid his head back, against the wall, and closed his eyes. Robby wondered what he was thinking about. If Robby spoke the truth, if he should feel relieved that Light hadn't been pushed by Robby, or if he should feel betrayed. Everything, probably…

"Sorry."

Ru let one corner of his mouth twitch for a second. Poor, poor boy. Robby felt like he had to justify the things he did. Maybe it made Ru feel better…

"Know L?"

The boy was visibly startled and looked up so fast that Robby thought he'd fall into him. His eyes were focused or Robby again, wide as always. He sat straight...Didn't look bad on him.

"Yes, I know L."

Robby wondered why the boy was so interested in L.

"Wanna know what he did?"

The boy frowned and tilted his head to the side, almost unnoticeable.

"Saw the neighborhood Lighto got lost, years ago, after something with a drug ring… Decided he wanted to do something about it. Couldn't fully concentrate on it, apparently, or didn't want to destroy things…"

"…When you try to get all the crime away from a neighborhood like that, it'll come back, worse, there or somewhere else. It's a great place to detect criminals and drug rings, and many prostitutes work there not having a problem with their job."

Robby tilted his head to the side. Ru's face was blank, almost a piece of art.

"…I study criminology."

Robby nodded. "What'd you do with a neighborhood like that…?"

Ru looked better when talking like that…Giving him back a little control, probably.

"As L, I would place skilled men around there I could lead if necessary. If I don't have to, they could try to lessen the violence. Undercover, as if they were some of the abusive men around there. It's a big neighborhood, it would be impossible to know everyone, they shouldn't be noticed. They should be used to circumstances like that, and be able to stand the violence and everything else around them. I would allow them to use guns if necessary."

Robby felt impressed. Criminology? Ru sounded as if it had been him leading everything. It was like Ru read Robby's thoughts.

"I…am very far with my study criminology."

Robby smiled. "That's what L did. I am one of the men he placed there. Guy gave me a reason to live… Trying to protect boys like Lighto. I saw him and he reminded me at my boy…Had to see him one last time…And L…Don't think he knows me, it's impossible to know three hundred men by face if it's not necessary…"

Ru somehow looked insulted. Or did Robby imagine that…?

"I think L has a mind capable enough to do that."

Robby smiled. "Whadda you have with L…? He your hero?"

Ru tilted his head to the side. "Not exactly."

"Y'know so much 'bout him... Why?"

Ru seemed knocked off balance. Was hiding something important…

"You seen L? Had problems with him?"

Ru pulled a face agreeing with the last thing. Ru had problems with L…? Why…?

"He trying to catch you?"

Ru tilted his head to the side. "Not exactly."

"What was it, then…?"

Ru sighed and rolled his eyes. "I wrote a paper about him and I received a C-, which is far below my average. That's it."

Robby blinked. "Oh. Thought you knew him."

There was something cynic about Ru's behavior, but Robby couldn't place it.

The door slammed open, and Robby heard two persons shouting his name.

"Robbyyyy! There you are!"

Robby stood up. Jack and Gunner, both with their arm packed tightly against their body. Seemed to be doing well…

"Have you seen those nurses? Homophobes! They did nothing but giggle! Bitches…"

Robby smiled when he saw Gunner with his purple leather pants waving with his good arm when he saw Ru. "Hey, boy! We figured something out! You are L!"

Jack and Gunner did a high-five and laughed, but Ru visibly stiffened, speechless.

…Oh.

He quickly tried to act normal.

"I can assure you I am not."

Gunner winked at him. "No need to hide it, cutie. You sent us to that Shark-drug case and L's the only one to know about it. There's no way someone less than L would remember our faces and name, AND our clean criminal records, right?"

Another high-five. "We're geniuses!"

Ru was silent for a few seconds, stunned. "It is possible."

Jack sat down next to the boy and patted on his back. "Yeah, right, everyone working for L starts his phrases with 'I can assure you', 'to be exact' or 'I am certain that'. Sorry, boy, synthetic voices don't change that."

Ru stood up and tucked his hands into his pockets, semi-casual, but his gaze betrayed him so bad it was funny. "There is a chance of 67% that someone working close to L would do that."

Jack suddenly burst out laughing, slapping his own thigh.

"You even talk in percentages! Oh my, you are amazing!"

Ru checked if there was no one around to hear them.

"I am certain that someone working close to L would take that over too."

Gunner tilted his head to the side, taking a cigarette with his free hand and lighting it, ignoring his wounded arm.

"'I am certain that'…? We are certain that you are L! Come on, admit it, you're a smart kid. Or don't you dare to?"

Ru stood still, glaring both Jack and Gunner's scalp bold. Robby smiled. They were probably right, it would explain so much if Ru was L…

"If someone else gets to know I am L, you'll be locked up in prison for the rest of your life."

Jack stopped laughing. "Why would we want you dead? We all know you're paranoid, L, but you put us there yourself! We work for you, you pay our houses! And you're way too cute."

Ru- Hey, Rue, Ryu, L-Eru, Ru was perfect! Robby smiled. Ru checked the hall again.

"Maybe we'd better change topics. This isn't a safe place to talk."

He turned around and took his cell phone to mumble something about 'erasing the tapes on the second floor of the hospital, thank you, Watari,' and turned back.

"Now that you know me, will I have to ask you three to keep it secret for everybody, and to never talk about it. To no one. No friends, family or others. If I die, you'll die too, get it?"

Robby wondered how many times Ru had told that to people. If he'd die, how many people would die too…?

Jack and Gunner laid their free hand on their chests simultaneously.

"You have our word, L. If something happens to you, we're jobless, homeless, lifeless and heartless. We promise not to kill a cutie like this."

Ru seemed convinced, and looked at Robby, as if to tell him it wasn't necessary to do the same. Still, Robby laid his hand on his heart.

"Ru, I understand you, and I respect you. Your secret is safe here."

He was convinced. He managed to smile a little uneasy to the three taller men.

Ru was L. That made everything weird fall into place. Why he was so confident about his own skills, why he could give all those policemen orders with them following naturally, why he rejected Lighto (how did Lighto get to know him, anyway…? Because he was the son of one of those policemen…?), and it also explained the bags under his eyes. Robby had always wondered how it was possible L could solve so many cases, and be there all the time… It had to be a heavy burden he had to carry for life. It explained why he seemed so suspicious, almost paranoid- no, scratch that, plain paranoid.

Being paranoid didn't mean you were wrong about those wanting you dead.

Paranoid enough to reject someone you loved with more than your whole heart.

"Hey, we gotta go, those nurses said we had to stay here, but eh…we disagree. You come, Robby?"

Robby shook his head. "No. I'm gonna stay with Ru for lil' longer. You can go."

Jack and Gunner blinked, but walked away, greeting Ru with a "Goodbye, cutie!", and let the door fall close behind them. Ru watched them go, sat down with his knees tucked up, not reacting any furtherer. Robby rubbed his back.

"Know how you feel, Ru. Know how you feel."

Ru looked up again, and stared at Robby with an expression Robby couldn't identify. Maybe it was that giant burden crushing him from the inside, maybe it was compassion, maybe it was just a lot of emotion needing to come out…

Robby felt his guts when he thought about that time, the time he hadn't been able to cry for so long. The worst time of his life…Ever…Ru was going through it right now.

Yes…He'd accused his boy of being a murderer too; years ago…And Ru was L, of-

A murderer? The one L was trying to catch…

"Ru."

Ru blinked. He'd directed his eyes to the floor, but they were focused on Robby again.

"What is it?"

Robby sat up a little straighter, still rubbing Ru's back. Bones, in some places.

"Did you accuse Lighto of being Kira?"

Ru blinked, and again. "What?"

"Did you accuse Lighto of being Kira?"

Ru's face changed from stunned, to suspicious, to blank, and then turned regretful. It was such a funny boy.

"Yes...Light-kun used to be the main suspect in the Kira-case… When he told he loved me, that was all I could think about…"

He sounded so fragile. Robby laid a hand on his bony shoulder.

"Though he probably lost his memories about being Kira; it's complicated. I can't tell you the details of course, but if he happens to be Kira or regains his memories about that, Kira will be no more. There's no way his pride could deal with rape."

Ru swallowed.

"But…I hurt Light-kun."

The last words sounded like Ru had to force them out of his throat. Almost a hoarse whisper.

"I think I know more about those memories, Ru."

The boy blinked. "What is it…?"

Robby looked around in the hall. There were no rooms next to this one were possible eavesdroppers could be standing. And if Ru listened, his intuition probably told him it was okay. And Robby trusted L's intuition. Though he'd been terribly wrong about Light-kun, clearly…

"Yur gonna find me crazy. Wanna know the entire story around my lil' boy?"

Ru nodded.

"Kay. My boy found a notebook. A deadly one at that. Write a name in it and person dies. I was against it. Boy buried the book in a garden and gave up memories, and declared love for me. I rejected him cuz he killed others with it. He ran away. Bad things happened, but I still didn't trust my boy…Didn't know he'd given up his memories…Shouted to him about the book and where he'd buried it, boy dug it up…"

Robby felt tears appear in the corners of his eyes, watched by Ru's.

"My boy, he'll never see the moon shine again…Lighto looked so much like him…"

Ru looked shocked. Not shocked-shocked, but compassionate-shocked.

"I feel very sorry for you."

Robby wiped his tears away and took a hanky out of his coat, to blow his nose with the sound of a trombone. Ru pulled one eyebrow up, and Robby laughed a little.

"There's a way you could make it better."

Black locks moved when Ru tilted his smart head to the side.

"How?"

Robby smiled genuinely. "Make it up with Lighto, forgive your boy and be happy together. You gave me my life back when you started to better my neighborhood, L. I got over it, I'm sure my boy is somewhere safe, my lil' angel. Shinigami said there was 'nothingness' after death, who says there's nothing behind that…?"

Ru's eyes widened. "Shinigami?"

Robby nodded. "Shinigami."

Ru turned to Robby and leaned a tiny little closer, his eyes wide. "Do shinigami only eat apples…?"

Do they do that…? This one did…

"The one hanging around my boy did…Apples…If he didn't, he got pulled in weird poses, I saw…Why?"

Ru hugged his knees some tighter. "A notebook. Write a name down, and that person dies…That's why I never got killed…? Robby-san, is it-"

"Ru, we both know you're not Japanese. Drop the '-san', kay?"

Ru looked surprised for a second, and turned concentrated. "That is fine with me…But could it be there are more notebooks in our world?"

Robby thought about it for a minute. "Why not…? Believe there are more shinigami's in the world..."

A certain brilliance appeared in the dark eyes, something shining Robby liked. Ru seemed to forget the current state he was in.

"This could be the way Kira kills…Kira needed a name and a face to kill someone. In order to protect those who share the same name as the victim, you'd have to think about the name of the victim… Kira kills alone, without even being there when the victim dies. I'm not surprised by anything, anymore…"

Ru fell silent.

"You could say this information is what I got back from what happened to Light-kun, isn't it…? A trade with fate…"

He blushed. He probably realized that sounded very corny. It looked very cute on him, the pink shade on those boyish cheeks…

He looked sad again.

"Light-kun…How am I ever going to make him forgive me..?"

Robby squeezed Ru's shoulder softly. "Show him you forgave him, that you don't think of him as Kira anymore…That should do it. Boy was so sad…Sure he wants to forgive you."

Ru gulped. "He doesn't have his memories back, yet. I don't know how he'll react."

He blushed heavily, probably not used to talking like this, and his throat sounded tight again. Poor thing should cry…Robby rubbed his back once more and stood up.

"Think I'd better go back to Jack and Gunner…Neighborhood needs us. Think I'll see you again, Ru. Up to then: Good luck."

Robby browsed to the milk glaze door and looked around once more. Ru still looked at him.

"Thank you."

Robby smiled.

"What for?"

Ru didn't move or blink.

"Everything."

Robby smiled a little at the boy. "I should thank you."

He walked out, leaving Ru behind. It was gonna be hard, but Ru would probably do better than Robby…He was stronger. Robby smiled when he walked out of the hospital.

"Robby!"

Jack and Gunner had been waiting for him outside of the building. There was a taxi, too.

He was going back. Saving more boys like Lighto.