Guys this is my fav chapter in this story bc it is a little foreshadowing of what happened before the two doctors met. The details are unclear but maybe you guys can understand both of their traumas a little better. I am trying so hard to keep on top of this as well as IDKYA so please be patient and please, i am no longer on twitter (too toxic for my mental health) so if you would do me a solid, sharing my story on there would be fantdiddlytastic. I think Langson fic needs to shine some times too! 3
Please leave your lovely comments as per usual. I love for them. Also ALEXINDIGO omg I live for your comments gurl, you give me the biggest smiles, pls know that! I love that you are here for Langson despite the ship that lives in your heart. To my other favs that read this and dont comment, YOU BETTER COMMENT OR ELSE ILL WITHHOLD FUTURE UPDATES :P just kidding, but seriously pls leave your comments.
Also to the person who is fking cutting and pasting the entire update and in to a review, WTF ARE YOU DOING!? plz stop. I am about to block you.
OK PEACE LOVE AND STUFF. I will update ASAP but I am working, studying and trying to keep up with business and two stories hahaha plz be patient. WHAT DO YOU THINK! GO!
"Where's Liz?" Olivia asked Trevor, passing him in the corridor, a little earlier than she usually arrived to work, anxious to see his face and to feel his presence so that she knew that things between them were truly okay since their text messages over the weekend.
Trevor liked the way she leaned in, standing on her tip-toes, trying to speak closer to his ear in an almost inaudible way so that no-one else would hear.
"Uh…" he smiled at her, looking up from his patient's clipboard. He placed it back down on the hanger by the door. "Come with me," he nodded down toward his office where he could tell her a little more privately.
She followed him without a word. Once inside his office, he closed the door. "Liz has been assigned to a different ward," he admitted. "I know you said you didn't want to make a complaint, but…"
"Trevor…" Olivia cocked her head to the side, "seriously…" she rolled her eyes with annoyance, "I asked you not to-"
"Olivia," he replied; his tone firm. "If you saw them do to another person what they did to you, what would you do?"
She stared in to his eyes for a moment and bit her lip. She knew he was right; she wouldn't have stood for it. In a way, she was a little bit thrilled that he went out on a limb to protect her from the women of the ward who seemed to have been so set on making things hard for her from the start.
"You wouldn't have stood for it, Olivia, I know that," he finished a little softer. "And I was going to leave it, but when she went against my orders and left all that work for Meghan, it was insubordinate. We need to be efficient here and I don't have any time in my life for fighting with young women, do you?"
"No," she replied.
"Okay, so don't worry. Alexis has been transferred to day surgery," he added gingerly, not wanting to fan the flames.
"Oh…" she was relieved, she didn't want to see Alexis or even work close with her after everything that had happened—after hearing the lies she'd told. "Okay."
"Meghan is taking over from Liz temporarily til we get a replacement, but she is really good, you'll like her – a little bit older too, possibly more mature."
"Oh yeah, I met with her the other night, you're right she is nice," Olivia agreed. "Okay," she sighed, "thank you… for having my back."
"Always," Trevor replied unflinchingly.
"I gotta go, I'm gonna be late with a new patient, are you familiar with Penelope Marson?"
"Oh…" he thought for a moment as he opened up his office door and motioned for Olivia to step out first. "Yeah, I think so, she's 15 or 16 right?"
They walked together slowly, engrossed in conversation about her new patient. She had been relieved that there was absolutely no weirdness between them as if nothing had ever happened.
"Who's getting the coffee today?" Olivia asked, winking at Meghan at the nurse's station where she picked up Penelope's file.
"You are…" Trevor stood by her, picking up his first patient's file and nudging Olivia in the side with a little laugh.
"What do you think, Meghan? Who do you think should pay today?" Olivia asked, joining Trevor in his little chuckle.
Meghan rose her eyebrow at Trevor's obvious lightness around the new and beautiful therapist. He was acting a little goofy and not the kind of goofy she was used to him acting in front of the children.
There had been a shift in her absence but she liked it and despite the gossip surrounding Olivia Benson, she decided she liked her too, she was tired of the bitchiness and the backstabbing that happened in the workplace, she was glad someone had put Liz in her place.
"Mm I think Trevor should pay," Meghan grinned at him, "Sorry, Trevor… it's only the right thing to do, to buy coffees for the newbie … and the rest of us."
Trevor laughed deeply, "Oh, right? Well just because she's new to you, Meegs, doesn't mean she's new to me, she's been here for awhile now… she's like … a piece of furniture."
"Oooft, harsh," Olivia elbowed him. "Now you are definitely buying today. I've got a patient to see, I'll wait for my almond milk latte," she took the file and gave Trevor a grin over her shoulder that made his knees weaken slightly.
He couldn't peel his eyes off of her.
He was relieved that there was nothing complicated between them. He loved her playfulness and she was looking particularly beautiful. She was wearing a blue silk top beneath her a fitted black blazer and the same pair of wide-legged pants she worn on the Friday.
This time, she had a pair of black pumps on with them.
He let his eyes linger for a second over her round backside. Remembering himself, he turned back to Meghan. "I guess I was told…" he remarked.
"Trevor, do I detect a little crush on Dr. Benson?" she joked.
"What?" he laughed – the laugh sounded absurd and he knew he had just given himself away. "Olivia? No, we are friends… it's good to have another doctor around who loves her job as much as I love mine."
Meghan said nothing and smirked at him. "Uhuh, well… I guess I should write down the shift's coffee order for you, right?"
Trevor drummed his hands on the bench, trying to get his mind back on work and away from how badly he wanted to be near Olivia. "I guess so! If you'd like to order them and let me know when they're ready."
/
"How are you doing Evie?" Trevor asked her gently, his tone quiet.
She didn't look very well. He wanted to give her a hug. Instead, he settled for taking her hand as he checked her pulse. It didn't look like things were going well for her and he wondered how long she had left. Her face was bloated from all of the drugs they had been giving to her to help with the seizures.
"I feel hungry all the time," she complained.
"I know, honey, it's the meds that make you feel that way, but it's okay if you want to eat—I can get Meghan or Katie to bring you something to eat…" he remarked, "it is still breakfast."
"Dr. Trevor my feet hurt, they feel tingly."
He stood up and made his way to the foot of her bed. "OK, let's have a look…" he pulled back the blankets, "Okay Evie, my hands are a little cold okay? I'll try my best to warm them up…" he rubbed his hands together for a few minutes, making a show of it, trying his best to make her laugh which was happening far less.
"Can you wiggle your toes for me, Evie?" he asked her.
She gave a weak wiggle. "Good," he smiled. He grabbed the ball of her foot, "can you feel that?" he asked.
She nodded, "but it tickles a little like you aren't really touching my foot."
"Okay," he pulled the blankets over her feet and tucked her in again. "I think it's just the meds making your feet feel a little bit funny," Trevor smiled at her. "You seem sad this morning, has Mom and Dad been in to see you yet?"
She nodded, "Mommy will be back at lunch time."
"Okay great, maybe when Mommy gets here I'll come and have a chat with her. Are you in any pain at all?" he asked her.
She shook her head.
"Well, let's high five that…" he held up his hand and the little girl weakly met his hand.
"If you want something to eat, you let me know, okay? And Dr. Olivia will be in soon for a little talk."
"Dr Trevor…" Evie began as he took a few steps out of the door.
He turned back expectantly, "Yes?"
"Sometimes when I ask Cara to see you she says I'm not allowed," she pouted.
Trevor came to the side of her bed and gave her a kind smile. "I will always make time to see you, sweetheart, I'll make sure that Meghan and the rest of the nurses know that." He smiled. "Let me tuck you in so that you can get a nice rest."
Olivia stuck her head in to the room and smiled at him, watching him move to either side of her bed, tucking her in snugly. "Can you move in there?" she asked, holding on to the coffee that had been ordered for her, "Or has Dr Trevor tucked you in so tightly that you can't breathe?" she teased.
Evie giggled. Trevor looked up to find Olivia and flashed her a smile. She was holding on to his coffee too.
"I'm just making sure she's allllll tucked in," he told them both.
"You're going to cut off her circulation," Olivia chuckled, stepping in to the room. "Evie, Dr Trevor is a total silly billy, isn't he?"
Evie smiled and nodded, happy for the attention of her two favourite people when her family wasn't around. "Thanks…" Trevor reached for his coffee.
Olivia passed it to him. "Here, hold mine… Dr. Benson to the rescue," she told him and the little girl. He watched her loosen the bed sheets and top blanket a little and fold them in a way that was a little less restrictive. She came around to his side and slid in front of him, their bodies touching just enough for Trevor to jump back in surprise, his pelvis grazing her backside.
She fixed up the child's bedding and glanced at Trevor over her shoulder and smiled at him. "All done, is that better?" she asked Evie, swiping her coffee back from him.
Evie giggled and nodded. "Dr Trevor you got in to trouble," she teased.
Trevor couldn't help but to laugh with the child, he was so happy to see her spirits immediately lift. "Dr Benson, thank you…"
"You're welcome," she turned to Evie and made her way to the side of the bed with the hard plastic chair beside it.
"Evie, Dr Trevor has to go finish his visits now with the other patients, but I figured we could have a little talk this morning, how does that sound?" she asked.
"Oh fun," Trevor remarked. "Dr Benson, Evie might be a little hungry too, maybe you could find something that she likes to eat and pass it on to the nurses…. It's the dex side effects but her taste has been affected."
"Okay sure, we can go through some foods that you might like to eat. Easy done." Olivia sat down.
"See you a bit later, Evie, I'll go and tell the nurses that if you want to speak to me, they are to come and get me," he promised. He gave her hand a little pat over the top of the blanket.
"Dr Benson," he nodded, smirking at her.
Olivia smiled right back at him – the two of them shared something, a little chemistry—some electricity, whatever it was, it was growing in power.
"Dr Langan," Olivia replied as if it were a retort.
Trevor almost bumped in to the door, holding her gaze, not wanting to look away from her beautifully styled hair and her dark-rimmed eyes from the make up that she wore that just made her eyes look warmer and even more entrancing.
She smiled to herself, realizing that in a way he was affected by her too.
/
"What?" Olivia nearly choked, her breath catching in her throat. "What do you mean?" she snapped.
She couldn't have been more shocked. The voice on the other end of the phone just turned in to noise. "I'm sorry, I'm going to have to call you back," she cut in, she needed time to process.
She put the phone down and stared for a minute; her heart beating too fast, her fingers trembling too much. She stood up, collecting herself. She was in shock, numb and in need of some calming words.
She opened her office door.
She and Trevor had been missing each other for two days straight and it bothered her. At first she thought he had been avoiding her, but his text messages said otherwise.
It was 11:30; he would have been still doing some rounds. She made her way to the nurse's desk.
"Liv!" Meaghan exclaimed, glancing at the doctor's shell-shocked expression, "what happened? You just look like you saw a ghost." Olivia blinked slowly at her. They had gotten to know each other a little over the past week and a half since the nurse got back from her vacation, and she liked Olivia very much and enjoyed watching Trevor chase her around like a lovesick puppy.
"Where's Trev?" she asked.
"Uh…" she glanced down, "should be in room 2 or with a new patient in bed 7."
"Thanks," Olivia replied, slowly making her way deliberately and robotically the rest of the way down the corridor. She could hear his voice speaking to parents as she neared the room. She stuck her head in and knocked on the door, taking a deep breath.
"Dr Benson," Trevor smiled, but realized instantly from her ashen expression that something was wrong. He tried to question her with his eyes but he knew she wasn't about to tell him anything in front of a patient. "Good morning…"
"Hi," she smiled tightly, waving to the child and the patients.
"This is Dr Olivia Benson, she is our resident social worker… she does her rounds every day and spends time with the patients just checking in and helping these little ones through whatever it is they might not understand."
Both young parents smiled, looking overwhelmed. Olivia glanced down at the small boy who didn't look more than three. "Hi," she waved to him, giving him a wink.
"Nice to meet you both," Olivia replied, shaking both of the parent's hands.
"I'm sorry to interrupt," she apologized, "but Dr. Langan when you are free, could you please come and see me in my office, I just need you to consult with me," she lied.
"Of course," he smiled. "I'll be there in a few minutes."
/
With concern, Trevor rapped on Olivia's door as soon as he was done with his new patients. "It's me…" he called out.
"Come in."
He found Olivia at her desk, scrolling through her computer, typing furiously. She looked up at Trevor and relief flooded her. He had been in this game a lot longer than her and he would know what to do.
"What's wrong? Are you alright?"
"No," she blurted out. "I just got a call from Emergency," she told him, "Maisy was rushed in by her mother, she tried to take her life early this morning and I am just… she's fucking eleven!"
"What!" Trevor exclaimed, "we saw her two days ago, she seemed fine."
"She wasn't fine," Olivia snapped, "she was assaulted, she wasn't fine. She was confused and angry and unsure of whether or not she had the right to feel like something bad had happened to her." Olivia closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
This is about Maisy, not you, Olivia.
"Is she okay?" he asked her.
"Physically, yes. Can you pull some strings? I want her up here in this ward so we can keep an eye on her. They want to move her to psych but … I do not want her in psych, that'll make her worse."
"Liv, maybe psych-"
"Trevor," she warned him, "trust me, I'm experienced in high care psychology, she and I have a rapport and she is already comfortable with both of us, I want her up here, please please don't make me fight for this."
"Okay," he held up his hands, "Okay Olivia, I'll get her up here, whatever you think will help her."
Olivia's eyes stung and she knew it would only be seconds before they betrayed her. Trevor could tell too, her face began to grow red. "Liv, it's okay," he said softly, leaning across her desk, touching her hand.
She flinched away from his touch.
"Sorry," he apologized.
She wiped a tear away quickly, hopeful that he didn't notice but nothing ever got past Trevor. "It's not your fault…"
"I should have protected her from that second appointment when I figured out something was wrong. I should have had her Mom cancel the follow-up until I had the chance to speak with her again; I may as well have led her to the slaughter myself."
"Stop it!" Trevor insisted, "Liv, you are made of stronger stuff than this."
"How do you know what I'm made of?" she snapped at him. "You have no idea, Trevor, you think you know me, but you know nothing about my life before I got here."
He sat back, a little hurt. "Well, you're holding something back, I can tell…" he remarked gently, "why don't you tell me."
She shook her head, avoiding his eyes. "I can't…" she drew in a slow, deep breath. "Can you please make that phone call to ED as soon as you can so that they don't take her to psych."
He nodded. "If you need to talk, Olivia, you know where I am."
"Thanks…" she murmured.
He got up, "I'll go and call ED for you now…"
/
In the late afternoon Maisy was wheeled in to a room that was close to Olivia and Trevor's end of the corridor. She was sleeping and had tubes coming from all over the place. Olivia glimpsed her mother following the bed, trailing a little behind, texting away on her phone.
"Holly," she greeted her, trying to get her attention.
Holly looked up and registered relief to see Olivia, "Oh my gosh, I am so thankful to see you, Olivia, thank you, thank you for getting Maisy up here with you and Dr. Langan." Without any hesitation, she hugged the Dr who had been looking after her daughter. Olivia reciprocated and let her go through whatever motions she had to.
"You're welcome. It was actually Dr. Langan," she replied, "well, he has more pull than I do. How is Maisy going?"
"Good, everything is back to normal—she just gave me the worst fright and I'm a little shocked – she's so young and I don't know what on Earth could have caused her to do something like this."
They stood outside of her room. "I think Maisy is incredibly intelligent and self-aware for her age, Holly," Olivia told her frankly, "she's intuitive and smart and I think she has a better understanding of her health than maybe we realize…" she felt terrible, lying by omission to Maisy's frightened mother.
"Why don't you go and be with your daughter, I have to go and do a few things and Trevor is going to come and examine her and then I'll be back."
"Okay, thank you Olivia."
/
"Hey you, I'm a little worried about you, maybe it's misplaced but I can tell you're very close to Maisy and something about her really is getting to you – if you want to offload, I'm your friend, don't shut me out, okay?" Trevor hit send on his phone.
He went back to his reports, trying to keep his mind off Olivia and how quickly her mood had soured speaking about her patient.
Something had happened.
A few moments later as he clicked enter on his last report, a message from Olivia came through.
"Thank you, sorry for being snappy before – I'm almost done for the day, I'm just down at the gift shop, getting something for Maisy and I'll go and see her. I'm about to report her assault to child protection and I'll discuss it tomorrow with a representative and her mother. I know it's the right thing but I feel like I betrayed her. Anyway… maybe I do need to offload. Want to get a drink?"
He felt relieved – he was concerned that she wasn't going to do her due diligence and report the doctor, he was afraid he was going to have to do it behind her back. He knew something was going on with her and he was happy that she was open to seeing him.
"Sure, why don't you come hang out at my place? We can order dinner and have a glass of wine or whatever…"
/
"Its okay, sweetie," Olivia told the little girl who stared at her, her eyes a little drawn with tears sliding down the sides of her face, remorse written all over. "Nobody is upset with you," she tried to smile warmly at her.
"Thanks Olivia," Holly whispered from the leather chair behind her where she had been sleeping when Olivia arrived to visit her last patient for the day.
Olivia wiped the tears away from Maisy's face. Her mouth had black smudges around it from the charcoal that she had been fed to pump her stomach. She had taken a handful of whatever drugs that she could find. "Your tummy is going to be a little bit sore for a few days, honey, but you're okay and Mommy is here too."
She went to say something but her throat was dry. She cleared it and tried again. "I'm sorry," she croaked.
"Don't you be sorry," Olivia replied with a weak smile. "we are all just so happy that you're okay and we know that sometimes your feelings can get so big that its so hard to know how to feel about them; it can be confusing and upsetting… so nobody is mad."
She wiped more tears from the little girl's face as her mother made her way to the other side of the bed and grabbed for Maisy's hand.
"Dr Olivia and Dr Trevor are going to take such good care of you, kiddo, okay? From now on, no more doctors unless you say its okay."
It dawned on Olivia that perhaps Maisy had disclosed to her mother about what had happened. Maisy nodded. Olivia tried to play it cool.
"Mais, I got you a little something to keep you company-" Olivia told her, changing the subject. Maisy looked to her favourite doctor.
"Here…" she smiled, holding up a soft brown bear. "I know you're maybe a little old for Teddies but… even I like to cuddle a teddy sometimes." She gave her a little smile.
Maisy finally smiled a tiny, weary smile. Olivia handed it to her and watched her give it a look over before tucking it beneath her arm and cuddling it warmly, shifting slightly to her side. Holly regarded Olivia with a warm smile, silently thanking her for her gesture.
"Wow, it's a crowd in here…" Trevor remarked softly, letting himself in the room. Olivia glanced up and felt comforted by his calm smile. He sidled up to her and greeted Maisy's mother and turned his attention to the little girl.
"Hey kiddo, you really busted a gut today, didn't you?" he knew that she would appreciate his joke, most kids did prefer to laugh at their predicaments. "Looks like you've been eating dirt out of the garden," he winked, motioning to the charcoal stains around her mouth.
She gave a little laugh and he knew he'd approached her in the right way. He knew that a lot of adults tried to treat the kids in a way that was sometimes a little too sensitively.
"Trevor!" Olivia reproached him.
He chuckled, "Its okay, Maisy knows how to laugh, she's going to be just fine and I know that because she is a fighter, aren't you kiddo?"
She nodded slowly.
He laid out his open hand, gesturing for her to take it. She freed her arm from beneath the blanket and took it. He smiled at her and gave her tiny little hand a squeeze. "Give me your best squeeze back, as hard as you can! Show me how strong you are!"
"Ooooooffft!" he pretended to be hurt and she began to laugh. He grinned right back at her, "See!? Total tough girl! You can do anything, that's what I think… I think Dr. Benson and Mom would agree, right?"
Both women didn't dare disagree, realizing Maisy was totally hanging on to Trevor's words.
"Tomorrow you're gonna feel so much better and I am personally going to come and eat the yummiest lunch with you."
"What are we gonna eat?" Maisy asked him curiously, her large hazel eyes found a little brightness in the grown-up who acted like she could take on the world – with his belief, maybe she could.
Olivia couldn't help but to smile. Trevor really did have something when it came to dealing with the kids. He always knew how to make them feel better on instinct and it was incredibly impressive and attractive to her.
"Well, I don't know about you, you'll probably some gross hospital gruel, but I might get some Burger King or… Shake shack!" he shrugged nonchalantly, examining his nails as if he was bored.
Olivia mocked offence for the little girl, "Dr Langan, that is just pure mean!" she exclaimed.
Both Trevor and the little girl laughed. "Well ohkay, why don't I come in, in the morning and you can tell me what food you feel like and that's what we'll have!"
Maisy nodded excitedly.
Holly beamed at both Trevor and Olivia.
"Great, now… I'm really sorry but I have to steal Olivia from you both because it's time for her to go home and eat dinner because I'm almost sure she hasn't even eaten lunch."
Olivia smiled, regarding him with appreciation.
"Goodnight Dr Langan and Dr Benson," Holly said softly to them, tearful over the wonderful treatment her daughter got from them. "Thank you both so much."
Olivia leaned over and gave Maisy a little hug. "So glad you're okay, kiddo."
"May I?" Trevor asked, motioning to hug her once Olivia stepped out of the way.
Maisy nodded and Olivia was grateful that Trevor always asked permission. He gave her a hug too.
"Goodnight, see you both tomorrow." Olivia gave Holly's arm a reassuring squeeze as they left.
Olivia tried to not be surprised by Trevor's apartment. She somehow expected it to be huge and completely over-the-top, but it wasn't it was small and cosy and full of books and stuff that he'd collected over the years. He showed her around briefly. Bathroom and two bedrooms – the other that he used for a study – the kitchen was small and pokey but the family room was the biggest. There was a small dining table and a couple of large lounge chairs with a blanket that she figured was a permanent fixture.
"So this is where Dr Langan lives…" she replied, turning around and taking everything in.
"Are my living quarters acceptable to you?" he asked playfully, eyeing her off. He couldn't help but to smile. She had gone home to get changed and he was a little unprepared for how she had turned up.
She wore lounge-wear, a grey sweatshirt and and matching slouchy lounge pants and white sneakers that she'd kicked off at the door. Her instant comfort was sweet to him and he knew that she genuinely felt at ease around him.
"Sure…" she shrugged, putting her bag down.
"Cute outfit," he nodded at her clothes. Olivia looked down self-consciously and then back up at him, questioningly.
"What? What's wrong with it?"
"Nothing, I just said it was cute, Liv, jeez…" he replied, going to the kitchen and pulling out some alcohol from a top shelf. He held up a bottle of wine. "I'm having a vodka and club soda, but… I have wine if you'd prefer a wine?"
"Uh… let's go with the vodka, thanks."
He poured them both a glass and added a few cubes of ice and some club soda before handing her the drink. "Here or the couch?" he asked.
She nodded to the couch, taking her drink and sitting down, folding her legs beneath her.
Trevor set his glass down on a coaster on a glass-top coffee table. "Can you excuse me for a few minutes?" he asked, "I think I'm gonna take a leaf out of your book and get changed."
"Sure," Olivia replied.
/
Olivia scrolled through her phone at the schedule for the following day. It'd been barely two hours since she left work but already she had a bunch of new mails. She took a sip of the cold liquid as she scrolled through them, checking that nothing important had come through.
The cold drink on her tongue sparked an instant relaxation within her. She went in for the second sip and felt herself beginning to unwind after the rotten day.
Trevor re-appeared a few moments later in a pair of black sweats, white socks and a white undershirt. She tried not to let her eyes linger over him. His arms were exposed, showing off his well-shaped biceps; muscles that she didn't entirely expect him to have.
He felt her eyes traveling over him and it made him feel good. He tried not to pay it too much attention and came and joined her on the couch. He picked up his drink and took a mouthful, gulping it, surprising Olivia. He was usually the one that took his drinks a little more slowly than she did.
"Rough day for you too, huh?" she asked with a little laugh.
"Yeah…" he sighed, leaning back in to the couch. "What a shit day…"
"You really were good with Maisy," she remarked, looking at him, "sometimes I forget that the kids aren't always as sensitive as we think they are."
He shook his head, "I think we compliment each other Benson, sometimes when I'm affected by a patient, I find it hard to show my softer side, so I approach with a laugh or a joke because I really want them to smile – and maybe that makes me feel better," he admitted. "But you…" his voice trailed for a second and he breathed out, "you are an amazing emotional support to those kids and the parents too."
Olivia let a soft smile spread across her lips at him. "I have my days too…"
"I know. I can see when you're struggling."
"Ha," she took a mouthful of her vodka, "am I that transparent?" she asked sardonically.
"No," he replied, feeling the vodka very quickly getting to him. "But I think I can read you well." He shrugged.
His words it all. "I mean, I kind of…"
Olivia chuckled. "Maybe it's just that I feel like we're good enough friends to be myself around you now," she admitted slowly, letting the liquid courage fill her mouth, trapping her words inside of her so that she couldn't spill out all the things that she wanted to tell him.
"That's nice," he smiled back at her, turning his body toward her. "Are you feeling a bit better knowing that Maisy is okay?" he wondered.
"Yeah, a little… I don't know why but I adore that kid and it feels personal… like I didn't do enough or that I wasn't enough. It's stupid…" she let her voice trail off.
"It's not stupid. Every now and then there's patients that really hurt more than others – we find ourselves within them, or they shine bits of ourselves right back at us and we realize things about ourselves…" he paused, finishing off his drink, "or … we just connect with them for whatever reason. I felt that way with Justin and … another one of my patient's that I lost just before you got here – a 13-year-old that I'd been treating since she was 5 – that one put a hole in me," he said, getting up, taking her half finished drink from her hands.
She let go, glancing at her empty palms quizzically. He went back to the kitchen to refill both of their glasses and returned, bringing the vodka and club soda with him.
"Why do you think she hurt the most?" Olivia wondered when he handed her her drink back.
Trevor held on to his drink and stared in to the liquid for a few moments, running his fingers over the condensation that had gathered in tiny beads on the outside of the glass, wetting his hands. He finally took a sip and smiled out of discomfort and turned to her. "Her family fell apart," he replied as if that was all she needed by way of an exclamation.
Olivia waited for him to say more but could tell that he was struggling. "In what way?"
"Kasey, my patient… she was part of my CF clinical trials and we kept her well for so long but the last two years she got bad and she had an older sister," he smiled fondly, unable to look Olivia in the eye, "her name was Hayley and she loved her sister; we even turned a blind eye on occasion when she skipped school to be with her without Mom or Dad knowing," he chuckled.
Olivia smiled.
"But… their parents were obsessed with keeping Kasey alive that they focused so much on the dying that they completely ignored the living. I could see it in Hayley's eyes. I tried to include Hayley as much as I could- but I mean… I'm just a doctor and the other social worker wasn't interested in what I had to say or what I recommended, so Hayley suffered – the whole family suffered but…" Trevor sighed, turning serious, struggling to find the words.
He finally turned to Olivia, sitting forward, "I guess… I lived that when my brother was sick. Desperate to be seen and feeling so heavy with guilt after he passed, like somehow it was my fault… I felt relief when Thomas was gone, like maybe my parents would focus on me now," he shook his head, "I still feel sick admitting that out loud." He looked sick as he said it out loud, he had instantly become forlorn and pained.
"There's no shame in feeling that way, Trevor, parents feel like that when their kids pass too, it's common. I bet your parent's both felt it as well – it's not that anyone is happy to have lost a loved one, it's the relief of not having to constantly worry, not to feel anxiety, it's totally normal, I promise."
She noticed his hands trembling slightly as he lifted his drink to his mouth and took another mouthful.
"How did it go after you lost your brother?" she dared to ask.
"Not good," he chuckled in a sarcastic way. "They looked at me with resentment, they were mad that it wasn't me. I could have become president and they would have found a way to find fault in it – I wasn't their baby."
"I'm really sorry, Trev…" she said quietly. "Were you a teenager when he passed?"
"Not really, I was almost 12… we didn't celebrate my 12th birthday.. my brother passed right after his 6th and I never reminded my parents about my own because I was afraid that having a birthday was what killed him since everyone had made such a huge fuss about it." Trevor paused, briefly glancing at Liv before he looked away again, afraid he'd lose courage to continue on. "I knew even then that it was an irrational fear but… no one bothered acknowledging it and so I didn't either."
"Did your relationship with your parents ever heal?" she wondered.
"Nope," he replied, "we have a cordial, terse relationship at best. I did my best to get attention all through middle school and almost got myself expelled and in trouble with the police… and still they could not have given less of a shit," he shook his head. "We even tried family therapy, but if anything it made it all worse… my parents separated for awhile and when I was 14 and then they decided to remove their problem and sent me to live with my aunt and cousin."
"Whoa…"
"Yeah," he replied. "So, that's it… now you know about my weird social worker hang ups and you know why I am busy trying to save everyone and putting my everything in to never letting anyone feel how my brother and I felt."
"And how was that? Besides invisible?" she wondered.
"Invisible and … institutionalised. My poor brother didn't know what regular life felt like outside of the hospital walls. All of the poking and the prodding and clinical trials that serve the doctor's benefits more than the patients…" he was troubled by it all. "The times my parents overrode Thomas' decisions over his own body, it's sick…"
"That's how I felt about Maisy. There still needs be some personal agency which is usually based on one's capacity to make a well-formed decision and one thing that you and I will hopefully agree on, is that by nature our patients, kids and other, know their bodies and they know innately when something is wrong. It's just important to understand which patients will listen to that little intuitive voice inside of them."
"And as for Maisy?"
"She knows… she is incredibly bright and self aware, Trevor, you've met her."
He nodded. "I do agree…"
She could tell that he was trying to turn the conversation around, but she wasn't done with talking about him yet – he seemed to talk so little about his own life but was insistent that she lean on him and talk to him when she needed to.
"Did you feel institutionalised with your brother?" she wondered.
"Maybe…" he considered her words carefully, "from the sidelines perhaps, like a spectator just constantly watching it all unfold and then trying to speak up for him, you know, wanting to protect him at times and nobody would listen to either of us – even though my brother was the catalyst, he was very much invisible too."
Olivia listened, thinking about his words as he spoke them. She never cut in and never responded immediately, she allowed him the time to say more so that he didn't lose track of his thoughts or feelings before they had the chance to tumble out of his mouth.
He looked up, catching her eye, smiling as though ashamed of himself for saying all of his feelings out loud. "Sorry, I didn't mean to make this about me," he apologized.
"Trevor, you never have to be sorry for telling me anything, that's what friends are for, right? No judgment and it's fine if its about you sometimes, I can't always be the main event," she joked with a wink.
He chuckled.
"I dunno, I know these kids will never know a normal life, but I don't want to treat them like their medical issue is their entire existence, because it shouldn't be. When Thomas wasn't sick from trials and treatments, he loved to play and he and I would get up to all kinds of mischief when my mother wasn't busy sucking all the life out of him before the disease did that."
Olivia smiled, "Did you like being a brother?"
He smiled back at her, the smile tightened and she noticed him breathing in very slowly through his nose—his throat beginning to close with the lump that was growing from the very thought of how excited he was to meet his new brother – the memory was so strong as if yesterday. He could see himself through the eyes of a child, imaging the endless possibilities of what having a new friend meant for him. His parents promised that Thomas would adore him, that he would have a true best friend for life.
His thoughts were halted by the warm touch of Olivia's hand resting on the bend of his elbow. "Trev, it's okay…" she said, watching his eyes glass over.
He eyed her hand for a second and then looked back at her, sniffing. "I loved being a brother. When he passed I was furious because my parents promised me that being a brother would mean that I'd have a best friend forever – for my whole life…"
"And they broke the promise," Olivia pre-empted the words before he let them out. He nodded, his jaw hardened, setting in to a hard line – determined not to become emotional.
"I know its-" he paused, collecting himself; extinguishing the words before they cracked and his eyes became wet. He cleared his throat and started again, "I know it's ridiculous, but I still feel angry for that."
Olivia shrugged, sliding her hand down to his, pulling his hand away from his glass. He had been holding it with both of his hands, steadying it from his trembling when talking about his brother. She took his fingers and enclosed hers around him, ignoring the wetness from the condensation build up.
"Its not ridiculous," she replied. "You must have felt so blind-sighted – even if you knew Thomas was sick you would never have expected or at least understood the gravity of what it meant to die," she told him gently, "and our hearts don't just heal from trauma like that, it remains stagnate, your trauma stays the age you were when it happened-"
"Don't…" he shook his head, pulling his hand out of hers, "Liv, please, don't turn in to a social worker with me, just be my friend – I don't need you to explain things or shrink me, I am just saying how I feel."
She snatched his hand right back in to his grasp and ignored his effort to pull away. "Listen to me," she said, giving his fingers a squeeze, "stop trying to push away, I know that game, Trevor, I do it to every single fucking person that enters in my life. I am not trying to shrink you, I am just letting you know that its okay; it's okay to be 25-30 years on and to suddenly realize that you are visible and that your pain shouldn't have been swept under the rug for someone else to deal with…"
He said nothing and sucked back the rest of his drink, allowing her to continue holding his hand, letting the heat around neck and cheeks slowly burn out before he could aptly respond to her.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you, you're just trying to do the right thing and listen, I appreciate that."
"Its okay," she smiled at him. She released his hand and watched him lean forward for the vodka bottle. "Hey… remember when you made me slow down my drinking?" she asked him.
He turned back to her and gave her a little more of a genuine smile. "Yeah, and you totally ignored me and poured yourself another glass anyway," he replied.
They shared a chuckle. "Okay, okay… bad example…"
He poured some more for himself, not bothering with the soda water anymore.
"Trevor, you are going to wipe out before you've even eaten dinner…" she told him, "and in which case, we better order something. What do you feel like?"
"I'll get it," he replied, motioning to push her phone back down.
"No, you paid the last two times, I'm paying. What do you want?" she asked him again. "I'm going to give you some options because I'm hungry and you need to soak up that alcohol," she informed him, her tone leaving no room for negotiation.
He leaned back and smiled. "Okay bossy-boots, what do you have for me?" he asked – the alcohol had hit him and his brain was moving a bit slower than his mouth.
"Okay, Japanese, Thai or Balkan food..."
"Japanese," he replied, "rice might be nice right now," he replied decisively. She was glad, she hated making decisions about food.
"Cool, do you eat sushi or have anything you won't eat?" she wondered.
"No, I'll eat mostly everything," he replied. "Order what you like…"
Olivia ordered some fresh sushi, a few small salads and some cured beef and a serve of Japanese rice to help soak up some of his alcohol.
"30 minutes, so slow down," she told him firmly.
He chuckled, "Or maybe you should catch up…"
"Oh no," she grinned at him, "I am not going to end up hung over again, that took me two entire days til I finally felt better," she replied.
"Yeah well… I'll be fine. I wanted to ask you about whether or not you put through that mandatory report about Maisy," he replied, trying his best to sober up.
"I did, I didn't feel great about it, but I had to… I could lose my job if I didn't," she replied.
He finally set his drink down and Olivia felt relieved. She really could see the dilation of his pupils and knew that he was incredibly intoxicated by the crooked smile that didn't leave his precious lips.
She let her eyes linger over them for far longer than what was necessary.
His lips were a pale pink and smooth and plump and ready for the kissing, she thought, but quickly tried to rid her brain of its impurity.
He excused himself to use the bathroom, needing a moment to steel himself after the heavy conversation that weighed him down. He stood in the bathroom, his brain swishing about from all of the vodka. He stared at himself in the mirror looking far too casual for the way that he was feeling about the woman in his living room.
He leaned over the bathroom vanity and cupped some water in his hands and splashed it on his face to take away some of the heat that had not entirely subsided since his urge to lose control of his emotions. He took a deep breath.
What was he doing, he thought? This wasn't like him. He hadn't spoken about Thomas to anyone, not since he was married. He told Justin about losing his brother, about him being sick just like Justin had been – it was a way to relate, but the details were something that he didn't get in to – and even so, he'd shared more with Olivia than he'd ever shared with Kristen.
He wiped his face with a hand towel and took a few deep breaths to make sure he had fully collected himself.
/
Olivia looked up when Trevor re-emerged. They shared a smile. "Want a snack?" he asked, realizing he did need to slow down and maybe have something to eat. It had been hours since he'd had lunch.
"Sure…" she replied.
He fished around in his cupboards and came up with some crackers and some ranch dip and some soft creamy cheeses. He brought it out and put it on the coffee table. "Thanks…" Olivia replied, helping herself immediately – she too, was hungry, she had barely sipped at the second drink he'd poured for her.
She didn't want to end up drunk again – tipsy was fine, but she didn't want feel the wrath of the alcohol the day after.
"So what else happened for you today that tipped you over the edge?" Olivia asked, spreading a little wedge of cream cheese on to a cracker, handing it to him. He smiled back, reeling from any single kind gesture no matter how small that came his way. He wasn't sure if it was the intoxication from the alcohol or her presence – perhaps it was a mixture of both, but the vodka certainly made it harder to fight the feelings away.
He watched her prepare another cracker for herself and wait for him to say something. He peeled his eyes away from her hands and put the snack in his mouth.
He watched her tuck her legs back beneath her, turning her body entirely to him so that her back leaned against the arm of the chair. She held her glass in her hand as she ate. He started to slowly relax too, wishing the couch wasn't so big, that if he sat the same way, perhaps their bodies would be touching slightly – it felt that there was a chasm of space between them.
His legs would never jack-knife beneath him the way hers slipped in to perfect bows just casually and comfortably, so he settled back, turning his body to her and shrugged finally. "I think we're going to lose Evie sooner rather than later," he let the words out slowly, as if the sharp edges of them were slicing his tongue; he winced as they fully left his mouth and Olivia saw that the impact of speaking it out loud left him hollowed out.
"I did have a similar thought when I saw her today… there's only so long that dexamethasone is going to continue working," she added quietly.
"I've observed her starting to confuse words and all I can do is suggest targeted radiation treatment but I don't even know if that's the right thing to do at this point," he shrugged. "I'm consulting with her parents tomorrow and I'm going to recommend that they begin thinking about palliative care."
"And if they don't want to send her somewhere?" she asked.
Trevor shrugged, "If they want to take her home and get some in-house help, that's fine, I'll make house calls for Evie and her family, but it's hard to know how long it'll be… Right now she's just scared about not feeling better and I just think making her comfortable rather than putting her through pain again is the right thing to do."
Olivia nodded and fell silent, sitting with the awful idea of losing a patient again.
"You're right… it was a really shitty day," she said finally.
"I like that you're there though," he said softly. A little smile spread across Olivia's mouth and her cheeks flushed. "It's nice to see you every day, you always have that air of positivity and your killer smile, it's very nice to have a friendly face. Sometimes, I feel like I'm bossing everyone around – but everything just seems to flow better now that you're there."
"Thanks…" her voice trailed off, "that actually is so nice to hear – sometimes I have this fucked up inferiority complex, even though I know my worth as a doctor and even though I know it doesn't matter what the nurses think of me, I just kinda want everyone to like me."
Trevor understood. "You gave off this pissed-off, I-have-a-job-to-do, I-am-not-here-to-make-friends vibe when you started and I wanted to give you time to settle in, I figured it was a little bit of an offensive strike but the girls were immediately on the back foot..."
Olivia chuckled. "You're right, it is my natural offensive, to seem like I don't give a fuck, when really…. I'm at home in a ball, rocking back and forth when I think someone doesn't like me," she was able to joke.
"You're well liked, Meghan loves you and she is incredibly good at her job. Once we get a permanent replacement for Liz and Alexis, she will probably go back to her senior nurse role…" he paused, "which reminds me, the board is interviewing for a new position next week, do you want to sit in on the interviews with me?"
Olivia raised her eyebrow, "What? They let you have a say?" she was surprised and honoured that he wanted her to weigh in on it.
"Yeah, we have a very specialized ward here, Liv, we need good nurses who are switched-on at all times and can deliver high care. We don't need Liz's and Cara's and Alexis's who are too busy focusing on exacting revenge on the doctor for goodness knows what stupid reason…"
It made sense, she thought. "How does the hiring process work?"
"So it's not too foreboding, they send me a bunch of candidates, I somehow make the time to do interviews – or a soft meeting, they call it, and because you and I have a far better understanding of the medical side and what's necessary, we send back the ones that we think are the best few and they make the final decision, check the credentials, negotiate income – all of that."
"Okay, thanks for asking me – but maybe you're better suited for that," she smiled, "I don't know what I can bring to that interview."
Trevor laughed at her, "are you kidding?" he shook his head in disbelief, "Dr Olivia Benson, you have so much to bring to an interview," he told her. "You just lied through your teeth to me when you said you know your worth. I'm going to count you in and make sure Meghan factor's it in to your schedule."
"Okay," she agreed.
"Dr Benson," he leaned closer, resting a large hand on her small shoulder, his thumb brushing the exposed skin at the neckline of her sweater, "know your worth," he said slowly and carefully, maintaining strong eye contact, making her knees feel a little weak. Goose flesh appeared on the surface of her skin at the briefest grazing of skin.
She felt hypnotized by his stare for a second, nodding slowly in agreement with him.
It was the unmistakable sweeping of his eyes over her lips; almost as if she could see the thought pass through his mind to kiss them. She realized that her heart was racing, stuck on a precipice of wanting to honour her natural urge to lean in to him, but knowing that their friendship was far too important to risk.
"I mean it," he added, "you need to…" he continued to stare at her mouth for a second, licking his own lips and taking a breath, letting his thumb sweep across her jaw, brushing a lock of hair out of the way as if that had been his only intention all along, "you need to forget the way others made you feel in the past… it was jealousy from them," he told her, staring in to her large, warm, chocolate eyes again, "not incompetence from you."
Olivia widened her eyes, his words striking a chord within her.
He saw her.
She no longer wanted to kiss him. She was spooked. She pulled away, turning her cheek to him as she pulled from his touch as if she had been struck.
"Liv I-"
"Don't!" she snapped, "what do you know?" she asked him in an accusatory way, sinking her drink in one and a half mouthfuls before plonking the glass tumbler down, wincing as she thought it might smash. "Who told you?"
"Who told me what?" he asked, surprised. "Olivia, what's wrong?" she stood up and walked in a full circle around his couch, not knowing if she should grab her things and walk right out. She covered her face with her hands, panic setting in. She counted to three inside of her head.
He went to take her by the arms gently to calm her but she flinched, pushing him away with a force that he wasn't prepared for – the strength of adrenalin from her panic. "Olivia, please, slow it down," he begged her, "I don't know what I did?"
"I should go—" she told him, "I'm sorry," she stopped and took a long, deep breath. She felt embarrassed by the way she had shunted him away from her as if disgusted—no, as if she was protecting herself from harm, she thought.
The way she should have done the first time he grabbed her.
She stared for a moment as if she was trying to think, "who did you speak to?" she demanded, looking at him – her eyes ablaze with alarm.
"Olivia, please, just… tell me—who do you think I've spoken to? I haven't spoken to anyone." his tone was soft, he didn't want to spook her again, her reaction was uncalled for – it was too much, too panicked. "I only wanted to tell you its okay, like you told me…" he explained, "I have never spoken to anyone about you," he repeated, desperate for her to believe him.
She sank down in to the couch, her body slumping as she stared at the empty glass she had set down. She picked up the bottle of vodka and poured herself a shot and immediately slammed it down before setting the glass down again and refilling it, adding some soda water.
"You didn't talk to San Moritz Hospital about me at any point?" she asked him as everything depended on it.
"No," he said, "I didn't even know that's where you worked before here. I didn't have a hand in your employment, I don't get a say in doctors."
She took a sip of her drink. "That was the last hospital I worked at," she blurted out.
"Okay well… I didn't know that," he said slowly and carefully, taking a seat back down beside her, scooting over, getting in close. "Olivia what happened… why are you so scared?" he asked her.
She shook her head, not wanting to speak about it. "I can't, Trev, I can't…"
"You can," he said softly, "you can tell me… I won't tell a soul, your secret is safe with me." He paused, "you know- I didn't ever tell anyone what I've told you about my brother tonight…"
He could have cursed loudly as the food arrived, he knew for sure it that there was no way she was going to tell him now.
/
They ate their dinner in quiet, speaking quietly and trivially and Olivia was aware of the shift and the awkwardness between one another. It was the words that filled the silence between them that was left unspoken.
"Are you mad at me?" she dared to ask him.
He shook his head. "No, I'm just worried about you – a couple of things you've said to me today have sounded alarms, Liv, and I wouldn't be a friend if I didn't tell you that you can trust me if you need to talk."
She pushed around a piece of sushi before winching it between her chopsticks and putting it in her mouth. Trevor almost smiled – he'd always been terrible with chopsticks and watched her simple, effortless dexterity with a little envy. She made everything look easy. He wasn't surprised, her fine motor skills had to have been immaculate given that she had been a surgeon.
Once she had finished her food, she put her chopsticks down and folded her arms. "I guess… I wouldn't know where to begin and I wouldn't know how you'd perceive me, I think you might think less of me."
He felt sad that she thought of him in such a way. He gave her a weak smile. "Olivia Benson, you have no idea just how much I think of you… I don't think anything you tell me could make me think less of you."
She picked up her chopsticks again. She had a mouthful of her seaweed salad; Wakame. He could tell she was thinking about it. Her face was troubled and she looked as though she was resigned to her very own doom.
"I don't want to push you to talk about anything you don't want to, that's not my intention – but I just am worried about you."
"Professor Franklin Bancroft – does that name ring a bell to you?" she asked him quietly.
His eyes widened. Franklin Bancroft was a cardiac superstar – the first man who had successfully completed a triple organ transplant in the USA. He tried to hide his surprise. He nodded. "Yeah, lungs, heart and kidney guy…"
"My mentor…" she blurted out.
Trevor was still surprised by her admission.
"My mentor. My boss…. And," she paused, "my rapist…" she stopped herself as she dropped her chopsticks – it was the first time she had said the words out loud and she was not at all comfortable with them, "wait no," she paused, "no, no… that's not the right word…"
"Liv…" he spoke her name but he realized that he had nothing more to add. He was speechless.
"He didn't rape me he just…" she buried her face in to her hands, "I don't even know… jeez.." she felt her face growing hot and her tongue tasted of metal – an extreme setting of self awareness pressurizing inside of her body threatening to overheat.
She regretted the words – all of them, she regretted saying them out loud – breathing life to them, giving them the ability to walk across the space between she and this wonderful man before her, for reaching him, for causing the look of panic upon the splendour that was the angles of his face…
"I'm so sorry," she whispered.
"No…" he replied, "no, don't be sorry, don't you ever be sorry."
They sat for a moment in silence – neither knowing what to say to the other, but Olivia knew that he had to say something or else she had to leave. The exit was looking attractive and the silence grew so loud that it became deafening.
All she could hear was the blood pumping through her veins – her heart beat palpitating in her chest with the spoken words that she wanted to reach out to as if they were a tangible object, she wanted to take them and stuff them back in to her mouth and run as far and as fast as possible.
"Oliva," he spoke at last –it felt like hours when it had only been mere seconds, seconds of Trevor trying to collect his thoughts so as he didn't say something stupid – ask a stupid question or make her feel like her admission held no weight. "Olivia, I am so sorry that happened to you."
"No," she said quickly, her stone-expression covering the emotion that had been drawn from her when the walls had been lowered just minutes earlier. "Don't be sorry—it wasn't rape, I made a mistake, I should never have used that – I never said no, I never fought him – it was just … regret, I'm sorry."
"Olivia," Trevor looked at her, her face was tense, constricted by fear and panic, "don't make excuses for him. I believe you," he said simply. "I believe you and its okay."
Her brain stopped quaking, her hands stopped trembling and her eyes fixated upon his. The moment of stillness passed through them and a sense of calm was suddenly assigned to her heavy heart.
He saw her.
"I believe you," he repeated, his hand found hers over the top of the table. "I believe you…"
Each time he said it, his words became stronger, the meaning behind them held more weight – they were more forceful and the charm of the third time saw her hanging on to every single sound that left his mouth.