9. Confusion
It was light in the room.
The traffic outside sounded through the closed window.
The room was cold, impersonal, the floor existed out of turquoise tiles, and the rest was just sterile white. It smelled like hospital.
Light turned around, awake, feeling the clean, white blankets crisp underneath him as he rolled on. He tried to sleep, but it wasn't working, he didn't lie comfortable. The doctor had told him his legs would still feel lifeless, but that he could try to roll on and search for a sleeping position he liked. He usually slept on either his back or his side, but he always fell asleep lying on his side. L had said so…
He smiled at the thought of L. He had told Light he tended to roll over often, but that he always looked so peaceful when he slept. L was jealous, Light hadn't missed that…L was a bad sleeper. He hadn't slept enough since he was thirteen, he'd told, and he drank too much coffee, ate too much sugar and Light could imagine he wasn't a good sleeper by nature.
When he slept, though, he looked so cute the whole task force couldn't keep his eyes off him (he once fell asleep in his chair when they were around). Light giggled inwardly when he thought about it. He always knew he shouldn't giggle or find anything cute, being a guy and all, but L was just so…cute. He slept with his knees pulled up and his thumb on his lips, hugging his knees with his free arm. Very much like a child.
Light imagined he lay next to L, that his face wasn't hot and throbbing softly, that he could move his legs, that he could creep closer to L and tell the lie that he missed his parents, with the result that L would wrap his arms around him and hold him…L smelled so good, his hair, his skin…Sweet, but masculine. Light had pondered over it for very long, but in the end decided that that was the most complete description. It would never be complete, L's natural perfume was too special, but this was the closest.
Hmm…Light finally fell asleep, the last thing he thought about was L's scent, his warmth, his wild hair tickling Light's neck, his lean arms holding Light close. Light sighed softly, and passed out, believing he was there.
L.
L?
L!
He was there, he looked at Light. Pitiful. He looked pitiful…He was close, he carried Light away from somewhere, Light cried in his lap…Why…?
L held him close, he touched Light's cheek, he comforted Light, for whatever reason, he apologized…Why was he doing that? Light still didn't know…He tried to touch L, he was so close, but all he felt was darkness and dust. A dream, maybe this wasn't real…Light thought he was rolling on, but…why? Was he sweating? It was too hot, he felt a bit suffocated…Like the air existed out of cotton wool…He wanted to wake up, this had to be a dream, right? He breathed faster, how to wake up, he was afraid, he wanted to wake up, really…He tried to open his eyes, but he only saw black, he thought he saw L's eyes, but it was a different black…A different black than the sucking depths of L's eyes, this was suffocating and flat, there wasn't any depth at all…
Light gasped for breath and his eyes shot open, the blankets covering his head. He fought to get them away, to push them away as far as possible. It was too hot, this hospital-clothing wasn't his…He wriggled the buttons open as fast as possible and threw the mint-green cotton away. The white pants followed, though slower and a little clumsy. He gasped for air some more. What kind of dream had that been…? L first comforted him and later on he disappeared, and everything had been…angsty.
The first thing popping up in his mind was that they were memories he had lost. How long had he been away, had he started a relationship with L in the mean time? What day was it…?
He tried to remember what day it had been when he'd walked upstairs to eat cake with L. October, October the third…What was it today? Had he been in coma for much longer? Two weeks later, two months? What were they hiding from him…?
Light turned the light on and pulled a newspaper out of his nightstand his father had read and left, and a nurse had put away. October the fifth…Right now, two o'clock at night, it had to be October the sixth.
He didn't know if they put it there to make him believe he'd only slept for one night. His last memories were from the third, that evening when he ate cake with L…The morning after, the fourth, he'd woken up in the hospital. Or at least, that was what they told him…
How long had he really lain there? Had the wounds been so heavy he'd die if he felt the pain they caused? Had the…happening caused him to end up in coma? How old was he? Help?
No, wait. He had light scratches all over his body from when IT happened, they were healing, but they were there. Something had happened for about two days ago, and Light was positive it weren't the always-giggling nurses having some jolly fun with a blunt scalpel.
He stared at his own body. The fronts of his thighs were covered in bandage, the exact same places…How had it happened…? He had to know…He didn't know where the memories from minutes ago had been from, but he had thought them before. They made him feel nauseous. His heart beat hard in his chest, and it made him short of breath. Those memories…Weren't real…
His right foot was packed in what looked like plaster, but when he looked better, it was just bandage. His other foot's downside was covered in bandage too. What had he done, walked around outside without shoes…? What an idiot, what, oh, WHAT had he done?
He looked around in the room, he had a private room and it was night. The clock said 2:30 AM now. The night had just begun; it was going to take hours for someone to show up…It was cold now, the angst sweat covering his skin in a thin layer of shiny salt. Light wanted to shower, but he couldn't move around without help, and even if he could, they'd send him back. 'He shouldn't wake up others on this floor'…
He took the cotton vest and tried to remove as much sweat as possible. His face, shoulders, armpits, back, belly, legs, arms…He shivered. He was cooling down, and there was something that resembled angst forming in his chest. He knew nothing. That was totally new for him, and he didn't know how to deal with it. Waiting, until the things he should know would show up in front of his eyes, nothing really to do about it. He hated this…He gripped onto his own chest and tried to think of something to give him some hold on everything…A simple thought…
He tried to order everything he knew again. In one night, something had happened that damaged him so much that he ended up with these wounds, without his memories. L had done (or not done?) something that made him feel so guilty, Light wasn't the only one who sensed it, and he didn't seem to try hiding it. No one wanted to tell him what happened, because he had to regain his memories himself, it being a natural process…
He sighed. His head was clear again and didn't throb anymore, but he still couldn't bring his memories back or reason what happened. He didn't know why he'd thought the things he'd just seen, nor did he know if he actually thought them, if they weren't just something his brain made up to entertain itself…Light cursed his own brain. It was playing tricks on him he didn't like.
He shivered again. He felt cold, on the in-and-outside. His skin, his bones, his heart. He felt left alone. By his own mind, by everyone around him, by L…He was there, but he didn't want to tell Light what happened, and that felt like betrayal, though Light knew he could be right, if his memories were that bad…How did they know it, anyway…?
He wondered if he'd be able to sleep again after this. He'd stay awake for the rest of the night, probably, and feel restless because of the lack of exercise…It was something Light always experienced when he sat too long without taking a break. His legs started to itch almost literarily, making him want to stretch and use them…It crept through his legs, through his behind, his back, his shoulders…It felt very restless. Not using his legs for two full days was like horror to him. He wanted to walk…He tried to lift up a leg, but it was very weak. Light could twitch it lightly.
He decided he had to find a way to get the itch away, and lifted his leg up with his hands, starting to move it in whatever direction. It felt very weird, seeing a leg move that had to be his, while he didn't feel his own fingers pressing into the supple skin. The muscles were stiff and Light started tickling his own toes, to see if it could wake his legs up. Of course, it couldn't and Light was left with two limp legs, once again. He sighed, lifted his other leg from the mattress and supported his calf while trying to lean forward and touch his toes, his leg stretched. His joints and muscles were way too stiff, Light's leg too long and his arms too short (someone had made a remark about that, once: Light was perfectly proportioned; only his legs were too long to be natural. It somehow was true).
He sighed and laid back, putting his pillow away, and trying sit-ups. It had never been this effective, he couldn't pull his legs up at all…After five-hundred tiring sit-ups on the too hard mattress, he felt better. Still not good and definitely not sleepy, but better nonetheless. He sighed and pulled his legs up with his hands, like how he always fell asleep, according to L. He took the blankets and pulled them over himself, but he threw the hospital clothes on the chair next to the bed. They unnerved him.
He turned the light off, and the room went darker. He saw the light from the streets wet the ceiling in an orange glow. He didn't like it. His room with L was very dark, and so were the blankets they slept under, and…actually all the textile in their room was either black or blood red, apart from some clothing. Apparently L had requested it, and Light didn't dislike it. He always slept so good there, even with L's presence; because of his presence, maybe. Light never really knew. It was confusing, but calming at the same time, his love for L. He sighed.
He didn't want to see the clock hanging on the wall; he didn't want to know what time it was. The room was too light; there was no way he was going to sleep here now. He wished he lay next to L again. As familiar as his very own room at home (yes, he still called it 'home', though he hadn't been there for a while now), and L may be confusing, but he was comforting at the same time. This situation wasn't comfortable or calming at all.
He noticed himself crying again. It made him feel vulnerable, it always did, but there was no one to comfort him now, he didn't feel home here and he felt even more vulnerable due to all what apparently happened. Comfort…He wanted to be comforted…
Wait.
Why did he feel like he had a déjà-vu or something? He had done this before, he'd longed for comfort before the last few days. He didn't imagine it, he had déjà-vu's more often and he was never wrong. He tried to remember the feeling. Yes…He wanted to be comforted, he wanted warm arms around him…Did it have something to do with his dream, maybe?
He wanted to know. He wanted to be comforted, he wanted to go back to L, he wanted to sleep in his 'own' room…And he wanted to know what happened. He felt so anxious right now, and so confused and vulnerable…It was becoming a little much. Where was L when you needed him…?
Light listened to the ticking clock, and tried to ban all the thoughts out of his head. It didn't work, and he kept staring at the window for a few hours. It was 5:30 when he finally fell asleep, haunted by dreams about L's face.
"Are you okay, Ryuzaki?"
L turned his head to the one who'd addressed him. Soichiro Yagami. He looked bad, even worse than yesterday, and way worse than all the time he'd been busy with the Kira-case, even worse than when he'd been imprisoned. It wasn't fully righteous to say everything had been L's doing, he never intended it, but…part of him knew that without him, Soichiro wouldn't have had to feel like this. Why, why was he asking L how he felt? He didn't deserve that…
"I would like to ask you the same, mister Yagami."
Soichiro stopped next to L and stared at the same coffee maker L had been staring at for the last two minutes. The link wasn't too far-fetched. Light didn't like mornings and always enjoyed his first cup of coffee, every day again. Kira-case or not, Light always smiled a little after he drank the first coffee of the day. It was such a small detail, yet so…important.
"No…I'm not going to put any of that weight on your shoulders, Ryuzaki. I can't do anything about your feelings about all this, but I don't want to make it worse."
L's stomach formed a hard ball when he heard those words. It was such a good person, why…? He suddenly felt like coffee would make him throw up.
The kitchen of the headquarters was empty and cold. There was no one else in the headquarters but L, Soichiro and Watari, there hadn't been enough room in the hospital for them to stay. L had sent Soichiro home, to Light's mother and sister, but he'd wanted to stay with him. It didn't matter what L said or did, Soichiro drove him and Watari to the headquarters. He'd treated him like a son, he'd made dinner for the three of them (it had been delicious; he'd made something resembling carrot cake. He and Watari had put spices on it, and L honey. He'd actually eaten something), told L sternly to go to bed, and came to his room to check if the lights were off, pulling the blankets a little tighter around L. It had made L feel like he missed something in his life. He could live very well without parents, but…having no parents wasn't exactly something you'd wish for someone. Except when they were bad parents, but that hadn't been L's case either.
He felt merely bad for what happened to Light and Soichiro, actually.
"Have you slept well?"
It felt weird; someone acting like a parent. Sure, Watari was L's guardian, his butler, his right hand, his...Well, a lot, but not exactly a parent. A parent would've told him to walk straight, to eat normal and to put some more effort in his social life. Soichiro didn't do that, but…L wouldn't be surprised if he'd start doing that somewhere in the next few days. He acted so fatherly. L felt clearly what he'd missed for eighty percent of his life.
"…Not exactly…"
Soichiro sighed. "I haven't either. What will happen to my son when he remembers…?"
Where had L heard that question before? Sure not his own head, ha-ha-ha.
The sarcasm.
He somehow felt like Soichiro had to feel the same.
"Yagami-san…?"
L wondered how many times a day he switched between 'Yagami-san' and 'mister Yagami'. The whole 'san' and 'kun'-thing was still unnatural, like Robby had remarked.
"What is it, Ryuzaki?"
L traced the shape of the expensive coffee maker with his fingers. The coffee was ready; it had been ready for quite a few minutes now. They didn't feel like minutes, though. He poured it into two cups and started searching for the sugar cubes. He realized he was only wearing kind of tight boxers (Light's favorites, it somehow calmed L to touch the fabric, though he knew how perverted that sounded) and a white shirt with short sleeves. He felt naked…
"I realized something…I am sorry if I put things too bluntly, but if Light-kun…" L stopped for a second. He didn't have the heart to use the words 'Light-kun' and 'raped' in one phrase if Soichiro was around. "…If those things actually happened to him, there's no way he'll ever be Kira again."
Soichiro blinked. "What?"
L started searching for tea spoons.
"Kira judges criminals such as rapists. He sees himself as a God, and Gods are untouchable. Something like what happened to Light-kun will be such a big blow to Kira's ego that he'll stop believing in his own power. I firmly believe Light-kun was Kira, but he isn't anymore, and he'll never be again. Will he ever regain his memories of being Kira, he'll destroy Kira's powers or pass it to someone else, but he's not likely to kill any more people. So…Light-kun has been cleared of all suspicion of being Kira. I'm sorry."
It was quiet. Soichiro was frozen. L looked at his coffee and started stirring it. There were white squares in it L vaguely recognized as sugar cubes.
Soichiro blinked. "Why are you apologizing?"
L continued stirring his coffee.
"Because all this happened because I accused Light-kun of being Kira at a vulnerable moment, and let him actually run away. This all isn't worth clearing all suspicion off him."
Soichiro was quiet for another few seconds. L started sipping on his coffee cup. Sweet. Maybe he wasn't going to throw up anyway.
"Ryuzaki?"
L looked up. Soichiro had small tears in the corners of his eyes.
"I'm very sad about everything that happened, but…this makes me feel a little better. I hope that…that makes you feel a little better too."
L stared at him for a few seconds, not knowing what to think, or to feel. He wasn't lying, that was clear…Of course, after all those months of stress, he finally gets to hear the words he'd been longing for…Of course that made him feel better. But…did he actually realize why Light's suspicions had been cleared…?
"Mister Yagami-san…You realize it's me who caused everything what happened to Light-kun?"
Soichiro smiled a little.
"'Mister Yagami-san'…?"
L realized how stupid that sounded and felt his lips twitch a little. A smile.
It felt good, in some way.
"But…yes, I realize that. I regret everything that happened, and I can't deny that without this Kira-case you started my son would've been fine now, but you were righteous that you didn't want to start a relationship with a Kira-suspect, and I respect that. Indeed, according to your story, you could've been…nicer to my son, but you were acting out of integrity, and that's why I still respect you."
L was stunned at first. He'd almost get used to that feeling…When the words fully penetrated his mind, he sighed and closed his eyes for a second. Finally. He'd heard the words he'd craved for to hear. He hadn't realized that he'd wanted to hear them, but…he felt relieved to finally hear them.
No, not the words of respect. They made him feel guilty, but finally, finally, someone could tell him it was him who made a mistake. One of the reasons for him to feel so extremely guilty was that he was the only one to accuse himself of being evil. He couldn't allow himself to think the same as others who hadn't heard him reject Light, and think he was exaggerating. Hearing someone else say he could've been nicer took a little of the necessity away to keep on reminding himself how mean he'd been. This felt a little relieving…
"Thank you, mister Yagami."
No honorifics. They suck hard.
Soichiro smiled a little.
"The doctor said Light might be able to go back home once his legs are healed enough to walk. I think he'll want to start working on the Kira-case again…"
He coughed.
"And I think…that…if he regains his memories, he'll have to heal mentally, and I think he'll need you for that…"
L had already felt that coming…
"Don't worry, mister Yagami. I promised Light I'd help him."
Again, no honorifics. They still suck hard.
Soichiro sighed and took a sip of his coffee, and pulled a face.
"Is there coffee milk around…?"
"Sure."
L walked to the refrigerator and handed the coffee milk to Soichiro. Life went on…
"When will we visit Light again?"
He heard how the 'I want to see him' got expressed in the way he asked it. Soichiro smiled softly, through the little tears in the corners of his eyes. He really looked sad and restless…L sighed unnoticeable. No, no need to start feeling guilty again, Soichiro would notice and start worry even more…
"As soon as you want…I think Light will be very happy if he'll be able to leave the hospital with you."
There was an unnoticeable emphasize on the last two words. L didn't miss it.
"I will make sure Light gets whatever he needs outside of the hospital."
Another smile. It was clear where Light had his ability to smile through hard moments from.
"We can go to the hospital now…after you pulled on proper pants, Ryuzaki. I won't let you leave the building like this."
L felt more naked than all the moments with Light in the shower together.
He couldn't repress a smile, nonetheless.