A/N - TRIGGER WARNING FOR CONSENT AND SEXUAL ASSAULT THEMES.
That out of the way, thanks for reading and please continue to leave your wonderful comments. 3
"Olivia?"
She was staring at her hand that had been shaking until the touch of his grazed over hers, encasing her numb fingers within his. The warm gesture felt so small but the expanse of just how wide open her wounded heart was, surprised her.
"I'm sorry," she said, pulling her hand out of his, pushing her plate to the side. "I should never have said anything like that to you, that was unprofessional, it's wrong for me to dirty his name – I didn't…" she started to get up but it was obvious her brain wasn't cooperating with the physical actions she was trying to employ by getting away from him; by taking back the gravity of the words.
Trevor knew he needed to tread very lightly and slowly and not overwhelm her. He slowly got up too. "Olivia," she held on to the edge of the table, her fingers gripping it, trying to breathe through the sheer panic that had sheeted her face. "Just breathe," he commanded, showing her, breathing slowly in through his nose and back out again. "Come on, I know you know how to do this and its totally fine, we can push pause on everything you've just said, let's just do that…"
He hated watching the fear of reprisal of a career surgeon and celebrity doctor overtake her entire being. He could almost see the physical manifestation of trauma sitting upon her shoulders, making her body tremble like it had just happened.
She looked up at him, as if seeing him. "Trevor," she began, some colour finally filling her face, "Trevor, please forget what I just said."
"I don't want to forget it, but I want to just press pause and and I want to tell you that what you've just said is between you and I and sweetheart, I will never tell a soul if you don't want and even if you decide you hate me and never want to speak to me, I will still never repeat it."
There was enough affection and warmth in his tone to allow her to momentarily relax. She did as he said, she took some deep breaths. She tasted the metal in her mouth – the numbness of her tongue, the fear that he would tell her she was being ridiculous.
Slowly she felt his hands on her – in a way that gave her the time to protest if she needed. He guided her to the couch. He poured her a glass of water. He took her shaking hands and placed the glass within them. "Have a drink…" he coached her, "just…" he was a little lost for words, he sank down beside her.
She did as he asked, she gulped down the water until the glass was empty and set it down, ignoring the violent trembling of her hands.
"Did you know that when you drink water you are unable to experience an emotional response?" he asked as if everything was normal between them.
She glanced at him, her perfectly arched eyebrow lifted slightly. He smiled at her. "Is that true?" she asked, unconvinced.
Trevor chuckled, trying his best to bring her back down to earth. "I don't know..."
She put the glass down and sat a little stiffly beside him. "Liv, come here," he opened his arms and gave a nod, motioning for her to get closer, to sink in to his arms – to let him wrap himself around her and comfort her.
"No," she shook her head, "I'm okay, I just need to forget it," she stammered.
"I think what you've told me is not something that you would ever say lightly or as a way to disparage anyone. We don't have to talk about it, but… for now, just… humour me. You said earlier you're the queen of pushing people away – that's how I do too, but you didn't let me and now I'm not letting you either, so just…" without giving her any more of a chance to say no, he scooted close and enveloped hers arms around her. His body towered over hers and he felt her letting go – not putting up any kind of a fight at all.
She let out a long, deep breath as his arms wrapped around her – it was, in a way, healing. He hadn't heard her story, he hadn't been aware of what had transpired, but he promised that he believed her and he promised that he would keep it between them.
Slowly, he felt her arms slide around him. He held her close, letting the warmth of his embrace fill her with comfort. "I don't think that you need to back track from what you said," he told her quietly. "Not from me," he felt her begin to push him away but her held her tighter, "Even if you feel like you may be wrong, there is a reason you called it what you did and we can talk about it if you like, we can discern it together—"
She was still trembling within embrace and he hated that. "Please don't be scared of me…" He couldn't help himself, he kissed the crown of her head with meaning, stroking her hair and resting his cheek against her forehead.
They sat in silence for a short while before Olivia lifted herself out of the envelope of his arms. He gave her some space and watched her wipe some tears.
"Sorry for freaking out."
"Its okay," he replied, happy that she was a little calmer. "You said something that I don't think even you were expecting to say, so don't apologize." His arm was still loosely around Olivia's shoulders. He kissed her temple, wanting to enforce everything he said. He felt her reach up and take his hand and let a deep sigh leave her body – of relief, of resignation.
"Thanks for being a good friend, for comforting me, you're very kind."
"Do you want to talk about it at all?" he asked.
She thought for a moment and shook her head. "Not right now… I don't even know if I can,"
"Okay," he respected her decision. "well, why don't I bring the rest of the food on to the table and we can pick at it? We can watch TV if you like?"
"Thanks Trevor…" she said again.
He got up and refilled her glass of water and took the plate of their food down. "Could I just tell you one thing?" he asked, not wanting to freak her out, but wanting to let her know that she could trust him.
"Okay?"
"I want you to know that although you say you're unsure, I'm not entirely surprised by what you've said. Abuse of power in that calibre of the health care is not uncommon. When you are ready to talk, I'm happy to give you instances of this that I know about."
"It's just that … nobody believes me."
"I believe you," he said.
"Don't say that, talk is cheap Trevor, I had many people tell me those exact words and then change their minds when it came to calling or helping me report."
"Well, I'm so sorry that that happened, Liv, but I won't change my mind. I can see you've been traumatised by your reaction alone, to fake that would be… well, let's just say you'd deserve an Oscar." He smiled. "You can trust me," he said gently.
She nodded. It really did help to hear him continually say the words out loud.
"I see you," he said again, "and I'm not letting you take back the words you used because you are scared of how I might respond. I'm going to be just fine, it's you that I'm worried about."
Olivia picked up the seaweed salad she'd been working on before she'd flipped out. She didn't know quite how to respond. She chewed slowly, thoughtfully. Her heart rate had slowed and her breathing was starting to normalize again.
She thought of the touch of his hand, his arms around her – how she melted in to his arms and not only that, but how safe she felt. She felt her eyes filling up and spilling over as she dared to look at him. The pained, compassion that crossed his face only made her realize that he was sincere; she didn't have to worry about what he thought.
"Liv… no one should ever eat and cry…" he gave her a weak smile. "It really…" he paused, "I'm going to be honest, it really hurts to see you so tightly bound up over this, you really don't deserve it."
She tried to speak but instead, she put her chopsticks down on the plate that she had perched in her hand and covered her mouth so that a sob didn't escape. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. "I'm… I'm sorry," she stammered. "stop being so nice to me," she even managed to laugh.
Trevor smiled again. He took the plate gently from her hands and placed it back down. "You can cry, its okay."
She shook her head, "No…I don't want to cry," she whispered before clearing her throat. "I hate to cry."
"I don't want you crying in to your food, there's just something too heartbreaking about that," he told her.
"I just want to be next to you," she said softly, "your company is enough…"
He felt like she was saying more than her words could spell out for him. There were real feelings there – he had been denying himself any romantic feelings toward the younger doctor beside him, but he was starting to let go of the door handle to those feelings that he was trying so hard to keep closed.
"I like your company a lot and I think you're just as beautiful with the tears," he winked, trying hard not to be too intense, to flirt with her to lighten the mood given that she was clearly not interested in talking about the situation.
She picked up the salad and started again. "Thank you…" she gave him a weak smile in return and nudged away the last of the tears, feeling the dry streaks that they'd left on her skin. "You're passable too," she replied, feeling a little awkward by how easy their connection felt.
He laughed. He joined her, picking up his own plate, starting to eat again.
/
Trevor woke up at 1:30. He sat bolt upright in shock, not even remembering falling asleep. He glanced around, remembering Olivia. He glanced to his right where she had been sitting when they put their movie on.
He smiled to see her curled up in a tiny ball leaning against the arm of the couch. She so sweet with her hands tucked beneath her cheek in a prayer-like pose. She looked at peace; a change from the trouble that filled her face. He pulled his glasses off his face and set them aside and got up to use the bathroom.
He went in to his bedroom and moved about, changing the bedding as expertly as he could. After he was done he put a fresh towel and a wash cloth on the bed and went back out to the living room. "Olivia…" he murmured softly, placing a hand on her shoulder, "wake up, Liv…"
He watched her eyes open; staring at him blankly for a few moments from behind her thick, black framed glasses. "Mmm…" she slowly sat up, "sorry, did I fall asleep?" she was a little disoriented.
"Yeah but its okay," he said softly, "come on, I've made up my bed for you, you can sleep here tonight, its after midnight."
"N-" she went to stammer out a protest but he'd already helped her up.
"Come on," he smiled, "think we both drank a little much and peaked early," he managed a joke to a sleepy Olivia.
"Where are you going to sleep?" she asked him, alarmed, not wanting to take his bed.
"I can sleep in the guest bed or I can crash on the couch," he shrugged, "don't worry about me," he gave her an encouraging smile as she looked around his room curiously, still trying to get her bearings. He pulled back the covers for her. "I can just go home," she told him.
"I'm not letting you get in a cab or an uber at this time, it's fine Liv…"
Suddenly all the thoughts came rushing hard and fast, remembering the tears and he admission. Her face grew hot as a feeling of shame rushed through her. He clicked on a bedside lamp and shut off the overhead light.
He patted her towel and the wash cloth. "There's a towel for you here if you need to use the bathroom or want a shower or anything, please help yourself to anything you want…"
"Thanks," she murmured. She removed her glasses and put them on the bedside table and he watched her sit on the edge of the bed, staring for a second before yawning.
"I'll leave you to it, goodnight Olivia…" he wanted to give her a hug but he didn't want to crowd her or over step a line.
He pulled the door ajar and was about to step away when she called his name softly in a tone that he heard as vulnerable.
"Yes?"
She hesitated but eventually she pushed the words out of her mouth. "Can you stay?" she asked softly, hating herself for asking. "I mean, if you want… just til I fall asleep again?"
He pushed the door back open and gave her a smile. "Of course I can…" she pulled back the other side of the covers for him to slip in. "Just let me go turn the television off."
Olivia got comfortable in the foreign room. It was incredibly neat that she would have found a pin on the light grey carpet that was so soft and didn't look like many feet had seen the carpet. His bedroom smelled like his cologne; fresh, clean and a little bit sexy. He had a closet space that she didn't have, but she did have a bathroom that he did not. There was a TV mounted on to the wall directly in front of the bed and a couple of photo frames including one, she guessed of his brothers and one of his parents and brother together without him.
She settled in; his bed was comfortable and had a warm pillow-top which she felt her body melting in to. If she was honest, it was going to be a better sleep than she would have had at home. She tried to rid her mind of the obsessive thought of her letting out the razored words that she had at the dinner table; then the bursting in to tears; his kindness, his promise.
I believe you.
Olivia drew in a deep breath and exhaled slowly.
Trevor arrived back with a glass of water for the side of her bed.
He got in to bed beside her and turned his bed side light on. "Does the light bother you to sleep with?" he wondered, nodding at her to switch her side off.
"No, once I'm asleep, I'm asleep, she admitted.
"Okay… I'll just lay beside you, he offered."
She settled in beside him and closed her eyes. He glanced at her, rolling on to her side, facing him. He could see the light traces of her make up on her eyelids – a little bit of eyeliner neatly lining the very edge of her lash-line – he was impressed with her precision but not surprised – she clearly had a very still hand.
Olivia tried not to focus on the thoughts that ran through her brain hard and fast, internalising the grief that she felt every single time she thought about Maisy trying ot take her own life. She felt sad about it, heartbroken even because the second her brain weakened for sleep to take over, flashes of her own aftermath triggered her to jolt awake again.
The music pumped so loudly that she could barely hear herself think; but that was for the better. She looked around and sucked in a deep breath, she had no idea what she was doing, why she was there – she just wanted to feel something and the bass of the beat hit hard – it made her heart palpitate—or maybe that was just the oxy she had gifted to herself to numb the feelings that continued to spill over.
Bodies touched her – she began to sweat, maybe it was too much of a heavy dosage but she didn't care, as long as she didn't have to think about him, his heavy body and shallow breath over her. It was the paralysis that overtook her, the way his eyes drank her in, the way he called her a 'good girl' for 'shutting her fucking mouth', it was the way that the light left her eyes the second she felt him moving inside of her.
Olivia gasped for air and shot upright, startling Trevor. It felt as though she was holding her breath beneath water for just a little too long.
"Hey… you okay?" Trevor asked, gently, realizing something spooked her awake. He had been watching her for a very short while and was just about to pick up a book to make himself sleepy.
She panted, trying to catch her breath. She nodded. He sat up and forward too. "What can I do?" he asked, watching her; his forehead creased with concern. His hand hovered behind her back for a second until finally he placed it down, rubbing it soothingly for a second. It was welcomed, Olivia breathed a little slower. She shook her head in response to him.
"Just had a micro-bad dream," she replied, "I'm okay, promise."
She slowly eased back down and tried to close her eyes. "Do you want me to … hold you or hold your hand?" he asked, wondering if some affection might make her feel safer. He wasn't completely oblivious, he knew his suggested served his own desires as much as comfort for her. He was almost ashamed of it.
She didn't say a word but he felt her scooting closer to him until he could feel the heat of her body just inches from his. He closed the space between them. She curled her body in to his and he slipped an arm around her, his hand on her back, absently stroking her hair.
"Sweet dreams Liv…" he murmured.
"Trev?"
"Mmm?" he tried to clear any impure thoughts from his brain and focus on her.
"If you want to sleep in here with me… you can."
"Is that what you want?" he asked her softly. He didn't want to overstep, especially after what she'd told him.
After some silence for a brief moment, she answered. "Yeah… I want you to stay with me, I always sleep better when there's someone beside me."
"Okay…" he replied. He leaned over and turned his own bedside light out and drew her back in to him. "Good night Olivia," he paused, stroking her hair thoughtfully. "My Mom used to tell us that if we spoke the words out loud about our dreams, we wouldn't have bad ones, so … you're going to have a great sleep, no bad dreams."
He felt the reverberation of her sweet chuckle against his chest. "Thank you."
He found it hard to sleep when all that filled his senses was the strawberry scent of her hair lingering beneath his nose. He breathed her in, feeling a little dizzy from the emotions that had started to render him entirely useless at pretending around her.
He was angered by what she had blurted out; angered and incensed that someone could do what they did to her – his protective side felt like it was on the precipice of showing itself. He tried so hard to be calm about it all because he knew that the last thing Olivia needed was someone getting furious on her behalf when she was still so unsure about
He lay there wide awake, listening to Olivia's breathing. He wasn't sure if she was asleep but she was very still. He stroked her hair, letting his fingertips graze against her scalp all the way down her back to her waist before starting at the top again.
Trevor was aware of how little sleep he was bound to get being so hyper aware of the woman in his bed that he couldn't deny his feelings for anymore. The more he learned, the more intense the feeling became.
He sighed with frustration at not being able to go back to sleep.
"Trev?" he heard her voice, muffled and soft. The vulnerability in her tone seemed to hang in the air.
He couldn't help himself, he planted a soft kiss upon the crown of her head before answering her, "Yeah?"
"Can't you sleep?" she wondered; her eyes had fallen closed, feeling his lips buried in her hair. She couldn't remember a time where she had felt so safe and taken care of.
"No," he replied, "you?"
"No," she answered. He felt her creating a little bit of distance between them. She rolled over on to her back and stared at the ceiling. She could still sense that he was facing her. She let out a sigh too.
"Do you want to talk?" he asked, wondering if she needed to get anything out of her mind.
"I just have some horrible nightmares sometimes and it's really hard to get my brain to slow down afterwards," she answered.
"Sometimes it helps to talk about them, if you're comfortable," he suggested. She reached across, looking for his hand in the dark. He almost smiled when she found it. She entwined her fingers within his and drew his arm close to her, kissing his knuckles.
"I have been scared of telling anyone what happened to me because it's a lot and I don't want to burden them or make them think of me differently," she admitted, "or worse, that … they just won't believe it."
He didn't reply immediately, he gave her words some thought before he squeezed her hand and let go. He reached up bravely and touched her cheek, letting his forefingers brush over the softness of her skin, letting his finger tips curl in to her hair as his thumb caressed her. She turned toward him, wondering what he was doing, if he was trying to make a move or if he was just trying to comfort her.
"I'm sorry that you were assaulted. It doesn't change how much I adore you and I know that you would never make something like that up… I won't feel burdened by you if you want to tell me anything, Olivia, I promise. I know I keep saying it, but I need you to know that I mean it."
Surprising him, she turned her face so that her lips brushed against his own palm. She kissed his hand and he felt a tingle shoot down his arm and a swelling of affection for her.
"I told you about how he was my mentor and I was just stupid and young and infatuated with him – well," she sighed, "more his brain, but it wasn't romantic, he did things that showed me he sometimes construed there to be more to our friendship – flowers… turning up unannounced. He paid extra attention to me when he gave me a residency. Everyone noticed and everyone started treating me different."
"Did that alienate you from your team?" he asked.
"Yeah… I made friends with a guy, he wanted to become a surgeon too and we used to work together and study together but Franklin kept choosing me over him and honestly, I tried not to get too upset because as close as Franklin and I got, I was good and I worked my ass off-"
"I don't doubt that for a second…"
"I did talk to Franklin about not favouring me and he used to laugh it off and tell me I had a wild imagination – then there was only one spot for a job after the in surgery. I assisted in a lot of Franklin's ones already and when it became obvious that I was a leg up on everyone else in my team, he started to push things with me…"
"How did you respond?" Trevor asked her, curious.
"I don't really remember, some of it is a bit of a blur – gradually I was uncomfortable with the level of attention he was giving me. His compliments were off-putting and it went from being slightly charming to crass and taunting… and I'm going to be honest, Trevor, I think I liked it when he was flirty and charming with me, so maybe the treatment I got from everyone was my own fault."
"No," he said, "he was in a position of power, he should have known better. Do you know how many resident doctor's I've worked with as a professor?" he wondered.
"No," Olivia replied.
"Neither do I, there has been so many – do you know how many I've had an inappropriate relationship with? How many I've flirted with or taken to dinner or complimented them further than their professional work?"
"No," she answered again.
"Zero, Liv. It's not the right thing to do," he replied.
"Still, I wasn't a child. I knew what was happening. I should have … changed residency's or complained earlier—"
"Yeah right, you know how hard it is to make it in the surgical field and more than that – how many females were in your team?" he asked her.
"I was the only one. Well," she paused, "there was another girl but she dropped out in the first month because Franklin hated her."
"There you go – your mentor can make or break you," he said, "so you acted on self-preservation, you shouldn't blame yourself for that."
Olivia reached up and covered his hand, still caressing her hair and her cheek. "One time he tried to kiss me in his office. He asked to see me after I'd assisted him. I thought I was in trouble and the second the door closed, he tried to kiss me, he had me up against his office door; it was all wrong and I was scared because of how rough he was and it wasn't at all what I was expecting. I was so startled that it took me a moment to make sense of it and then I shoved him away and he accused me of playing hard to get…" she sighed, "and after that, it was constant… If I wore a skirt to work I was teasing him, if my scrubs were tight, it was me trying to show off my boobs-"
"What an ass, you were just trying to live your life."
"After he kissed me, he used to brazenly grab me in the hall, one of my team saw him put his hand up my dress right before the first rounds of jobs were being handed out. Again, it was one of those moments where I was in such a state of disbelief that I didn't want to make a scene but I also was so mortified – I pushed him away and ran for it…"
Trevor could feel his temper rising, "This fucking guy…" he muttered. "What a piece of shit…"
"I just wanted to get through—" she blurted out. "I wanted to be offered a job at another hospital just to get away from him," she added. "I started getting anxiety really badly, I was scared to go to work and scared of which version of him I was going to get—because when he was being normal, he was great and each time he reverted back to that normal, earlier Franklin I knew, I felt like it would be okay."
"That's a sign of an incredibly toxic person," he told her.
Trevor felt a tear wet his thumb. "Its okay," he said softly, "this is a big deal, its okay to treat it like one, you don't have to pretend it was nothing – or a thing of the past, you're still crying about it now, it hasn't gone away, you might just do better at pushing it down."
"I know," she whispered, trying to keep composed.
He stroked her hair again, occasionally wiping her tears away. He knew that he was slowly starting to fall in love with the doctor that was taking up space in his bed.
"Two nights before the jobs were announced, Franklin turned up at my apartment, I was startled. I told him I was studying, I needed to get reports finished, I really didn't want him in my place. He was a total snob and I knew he would have a lot to say about my messy little existence…but he insisted that he would help me and that he wanted to see where my head was at with the job."
"Did you know you were getting it?" Trevor asked.
"No, the way he had treated me after the skirt incident was hideous. He yelled at me in front of patients, he belittled me in front of nurses and he made jokes at my expense in front of my team who… weren't at all talking to me because they believed I was having an affair with him, they probably assumed it ended… He didn't even ask me to assist in any surgeries anymore so I had no reason to think anything other than the guy who had earlier in the year been my friend was getting it."
"What an asshole…" the words left Trevor's mouth like a sigh, he could see what happened next in her story and the feeling in his gut clenched tighter with rage that he felt could spill out at any time. "What happened at your apartment?"
"The thing…" she said, "the second the door closed… he just asked me how badly I wanted the job and I didn't want to disappoint him so I said I wanted it but if it had to go to Samuel, then I understood—he told me to show him how much I wanted it and I was laughing because I thought it was so stupid that he would expect me to try to bribe him but when I laughed it set him off and … then it all gets a blurry.. but through it all, I never said no, I never shouted for help, I never did anything but … comply." She paused, "Actually, I did say no, I said no and I said stop but it was only when it started and I kind of just … froze after that and I took myself somewhere else in my mind."
The silence lay thick in the air and Olivia felt a little panicked that he didn't say anything. Her breathing became laboured thinking about it, thinking about Trevor not believing her; about blowing her chance with him— like a little lightning bolt, she reconsidered the last little thought she had.
Blowing her chance with him.
She breathed through it.
"I'm just processing my fury for you…" he said at last, "I'm just…" he paused. "I'm sorry that I'm not saying anything, I'm just trying to be calm but what I really want to do is find my way to him and make him pay for what he did to you."
"He's an old man now," she paused, "he was an old man then."
"I'm so sorry that happened to you," he said softly, circling an arm over her, resting his hand on the middle of her back, drawing her closer to him. "You did not deserve any of that and you are not to blame for any of it, not even a little bit. And you didn't tell anyone… how did you deal, Olivia?"
"I told my friend, the guy in my team, when he realized that Franklin no longer gave a shit about me, he eased off me and we were friendly again and I felt so alone after what happened that the very next day I stupidly told him. He told me he believed me, and I told him everything from start to finish." Olivia breathed in, "And then two days later the job offer came out for the final year of residency – for the cardiac thoracic surgeon position and I got it."
"Shit..."
"Yeah shit indeed. It was so unexpected and I was locked between wanting to be excited because you have no idea how much work I put in. I lived in squalor, I barely ate, I did nothing but work and study and never slept—" she explained, "but on the other hand I felt like he gave me the job just to torment me more, I was so afraid that he would keep coming back to my apartment or that he would escalate at work and he did to some degree, but he never assaulted me again – he just was incredibly violent with his words and eroded all of my confidence in my skills… and my friend told everyone that I got the job because I slept with him."
"What a fucking psycho…"
"It gets better," Olivia laughed sardonically, "because of the allegations that I'd slept with him, I had to sit in front of the chief of the hospital and explain myself. So I figured honesty was the best policy, I told her what happened from start to finish. She told me it was a very big allegation I was making as a surgical resident and that Franklin was so incredibly successful and saved so many lives and if I took it further I would basically have blood on my hands because he would lose his job and I would probably lose mine too, that I would be blacklisted and would never be able to become a full-fledged surgeon."
"Fuck!" Trevor was outraged. "This was a woman?" he asked, "I can kind of understand if it was a male because men in hospitals are a fucking boys club but this…" he sputtered. He sat up and sucked in a deep breath, "Olivia, I want to end his career. I'll fucking end his career myself."
He felt her hand on his back, half sitting too. "Please don't Trevor, I appreciate your fury, it's… refreshing and it just makes me feel good to know someone is on my side but, please don't let this burden you, that's the last thing I wanted."
He slowly eased back down beside her. "You're right…" he admitted, agitated, "I'm sorry, I'm just..." he sighed. "Did you finish the job?"
"Yeah… but he was horrible to me. He told me he was asked if he wanted to fire me for the allegation but he said that he saved my ass so he always had this air of ownership over me, metaphorically and … sexually speaking, I suppose. He lost interest in me though, he just yelled a lot, loved to belittle me and as I told you about my first surgery, loved to put me in difficult situations."
"And this is why you quit surgery right after you finished, right?"
"Yeah… I stayed at the hospital after I graduated, I found a little job in the cath lab doing day surgeries because it felt safe before I just jumped back in the books and found the whole psychology thing. I worked in a private cardio clinic to support myself while I finished the psychology stuff and I just started my own practice and the rest is history."
"I can understand now why you said you met Charlotte and mistook your need for friendship for something else," he told her thoughtfully. "You were still sitting with your trauma and probably the idea of a man was a little unpalatable at the time, I'm sure."
She chuckled. "Yeah… I still concerned as to how, when and if that time comes for me to be with someone in that capacity again, if it will be challenging."
"Maybe you just have to find the right person that you can trust implicitly, that might change things."
"Yeah…" her voice trailed off. She wondered if he was trying to tell her something but she tried to push it out of the way, not wanting to be wrong or reading the room incorrectly. "Unfortunately Charlotte was just an innocent casualty, but I truly never meant to hurt her."
"Does she know what happened?" he asked her.
"No, it was one of the things we fought about – the fact that I didn't talk about my past. She knew something happened but I don't think I was ready to talk, I just wanted to have company and I got caught up with the idea of someone actually liking my company without an ulterior motive."
Trevor felt bad for overstepping by touching her face, by kissing her hair – all the while knowing that he had feelings sitting in the pit of his stomach for her. He knew he needed to be real. "I'm sorry, Olivia," he said.
"For what?" she asked.
He took his hand away from her, he let go of her. "For kissing you the other week, for blurring things – probably even now, I hope you know your friendship is everything to me, I don't expect anything from you-"
She managed a chuckle. "That's not what I meant… you," she paused, "you're fine… you're more… than fine," she laughed in spite of herself and it felt good to have some release from the intensity of what she had just told him. "You are kind and I know you have a good heart and I dunno," she didn't want to say too much, but she was sure that he had just confirmed his feelings for her, "you're just different. I liked it when you kissed me, I like it when you let me cuddle up to you and your arms feel good around me, I feel safe…"
"Okay…" he spoke slowly and softly, afraid that if he spoke too soon or too rash that she would take away what she said, or add a but somewhere. He started to relax when it never came. "If I ever make you feel weird, please tell me, I would be horrified to know I've hurt your feelings or made you feel objectified or –"
"Stop Trev, I promise it's okay. You never pressure me, I love spending time with you. It feels natural and I don't know what that means but I like it. What I had with Charlotte was different. I couldn't talk to her and I didn't know how else to get her to stop than to use sex or cheap talk to fix things but I realize it was because I was trying to rid my body of Franklin and I was trying to avoid the things that I could never trust to tell her, I just wasn't that comfortable with her."
"And with me?"
"Well… I just told you everything, sparing only the details…" she replied, "And I haven't tried to shut you up with sex so, which may or may not be a good thing depending on how you see it."
He laughed, "Okay, okay… don't let me think about that, nothing good ever comes from talking about sex with a hot woman in your bed at 2am."
She laughed too. "I guess all I'm saying is that I'm very happy to have you and whatever this is…"
"Me too," he replied. He drew her back in and kissed her forehead again. "I'm very happy with this."
Olivia reached up, taking his face in her hands, gently guiding it down. He felt her stretch toward him until he felt her lips meet with his in the darkness. He let his eyes fall shut and realized that he felt a sense of relief to have her so close that he could taste her. Her soft fingertips grazed along his hairline. The kiss was lingering as he felt her nose press against the side of his, her forehead leaning against his as if she tried to keep at bay whatever other desires were taking up residence in her brain.
She broke the kiss off but went back in to do it again. He felt her release a shaky sigh as she pulled away. He decided to say nothing, to take it for what it was. "Come here…" he told her, laying his arm out, allowing her to crawl up closer, resting her head in the crook of his shoulder. She got in close and wrapped an arm around him.
"Say something…" she prompted him.
"About what?" he asked, hearing the slight alarm in her voice.
"About me kissing you, say something—" she urged him.
He thought for a second, "Your lips taste great," he chuckled, "you are a good kisser even as brief as it was."
"Trevor.." she warned him. "Don't be diplomatic, you're not at work." Suddenly she was self-conscious and wondered if she'd done the wrong thing.
"I think… you're in a very emotional place since work today, maybe longer and I don't want you to feel confused by any actions between us, so I need whatever you do or however you act to be something you are comfortable with and if I didn't want any part of it, I'll let you know immediately."
She considered his reply to still be diplomatic, but she understood especially given everything she said. And, she thought, maybe she was being emotional.
"Okay," she replied in a quiet voice that made Trevor feel bad.
"Liv…" he began, "I promise I'm not trying to be diplomatic, I just am keeping your heart protected because I don't want you to wake up feeling like I've placed on us…"
"Okay," she replied again.
He kissed her forehead and then the bridge of her nose before briefly letting his lips graze hers. "Okay?" he confirmed.
He felt her nod.
"I'm gonna try to sleep now…" she announced to him, nestling in closer to him. She wrapped her arm around him again and felt him embrace her.
"Goodnight sweet heart, sweet dreams."
She smiled to herself. The last time a man had called her sweet heart she had snarled at him and kept on moving. When it came from Trevor's mouth, it was comforting and sweet and made her feel warm inside- adored even. She realized how much she liked it.
"Goodnight…" she whispered, blocking out every other thought that was trying to question what was going on between them. She needed to rest.
/
Trevor's phone went off; the shrillness of it waking him up. He felt heaviness beside him and remembered Olivia was sleeping on his arm. She hadn't moved all night. He rolled on to his back and stretched to pick up up the call.
"Hello?" he whispered.
"Trevor, where are you?" a voice asked, a little panicked. "Thank goodness! I thought something happened." It was Meghan from work.
"What time is it?" he asked, noticing that it was light outside. He was usually up right before it got light.
"It's 8am, Trev, is everything okay?"
"Yeah, I just had a few nights of bad sleep, I guess it caught up with me, can you cover me? I'm going going to need at least an hour or so."
"No problem, I'll see if I can reschedule your appointments after lunch and move back your rounds a little."
"Thank you so much, Meghan, you are a star," he said and thought for a second looking at Olivia who had the same alarm on her face as he had. "Oh shoot, come to think of it… Olivia called me last night and said she had an appointment this morning that popped up, can you just make sure you organize her morning and text her the details? She didn't have your number and … stupid me, I forgot to let you know."
Meghan groaned, "Trevor, you suck…" she sighed, "okay no problem, I'll fix it. What time is Liv coming in?"
"I'm not sure, maybe you can text her and ask," he looked at Liv and grinned, shrugging.
"Okay see you soon Trevor, I'll text you with your updated calendar."
He made sure he hung up properly. "Oh my goodness!" he exclaimed, flopping back down, "This is the first time in my life I've ever been late for work."
Olivia felt a little awkward in bed with him but tried not to make it a big deal. She was not being able to ignore how gorgeous his grin was early in the morning with his eyes crinkling at the sides, looking a little sleepy still.
"Shit… I wanted to get to work early and see Maisy for awhile."
"Liv, its alright, just take it easy this morning okay? he said, reaching for her hand. "Just … lay down for a sec and enjoy the peacefulness."
"It's really hard to do that, I'm usually awake way earlier."
"Just take a deeeeep breathe and out..." he coached her teasingly as he did as he requested of her. "Aaaand relax," he winked, smiling at her.
She stared at him and found him growing very hard to resist. She eventually smiled, letting the tension dissipate. She fell back down beside him. He grabbed her hand and laced his fingers between hers, smiling at her, enjoying the lightness and ease of having her there. "I have an idea," he began, "what if I was to go have a really quick shower, get myself together and I can drive you back to your place and wait for you to get ready for work and I can take us both."
"Don't you think it'll look weird if we arrive together?" she asked, not convinced.
"No, you can stay downstairs and get me a coffee," he smirked, "you can buy today.
She chuckled. "Okay…"
He stared at her for a moment, marvelling at just how beautiful she looked in the morning. He wanted to kiss her so much and he could tell by the way her eyes lingered over his mouth that she wanted it too. He sighed, "I really want to kiss you…" he announced.
"You can if you want…" she replied softly.
"I shouldn't—we shouldn't. Not… right now, not like this…"
Olivia couldn't help but to feel a little hurt. "Like what?"
"In bed, after spending time getting to know each other as friends…" his voice trailed, "I don't know, I think—I don't know where my head is at, I think you should be clear on where yours is at too."
"But…." She paused, she tried not to take it personal – just that he was looking out for her and no one had ever really done that before. "Okay," she nodded, "that's fair."
He stared at her for a few moments, caressing her dishevelled hair. He sighed, "You are so fucking beautiful, did you know that?"
He watched her cheeks turn pink. "What am I talking about?" he laughed, "of course you've been told that." His eyes searched hers. "Should have that shower…"
"Yeah… you should…" she noticed him lifting his body slightly and getting closer to her. Their bodies were so close; it was dangerous how little distance there was between them, he thought, his face almost entirely closed the splace. He held up his body on his elbow, leaning in.
"I thought you weren't going to kiss me…" she remarked.
"Fuck it…" he chuckled, leaning over and kissing her a few times, throwing caution to the wind. He pulled away but she grabbed him, wrapping her arms around him. He was a little surprised with her intensity, but she found his mouth and pressed his lips against him again.
He enjoyed it a little too much and knew that his morning erection was in danger of showing to her. "Liv…" he chuckled, going in for a third, long, lingering kiss of her precious lips. He relished the feel of her mouth, not giving a shit that they both had morning breath.
"Yes?" she asked, laughing too. She had been nervous that he might be weird with her after everything she had admitted, but he didn't act any different with her and she appreciated it.
"I really think I should have that shower before…" he stared in to her eyes and and smiled slightly. He didn't need to finish his sentence
"You have such a beautiful face…" she told him, her arms still circled around his neck, stroking his hair at the back of his head, "I wanted to say that before…" she slowly let go and took his face in her hands. Her eyes took in his defined features, the deep lines and the angles of his cheek bones.
He kissed her again, letting it linger, resisting the urge to prompt her mouth open with his tongue.
"Damn it, Liv…" he pressed his forehead against hers, peeling his lips from hers, "I gotta get up,"
"You better…" she replied.
He got up reluctantly and circled the bed to a chest of drawers where he removed some underwear. He then went to his closet and grabbed a dress shirt and a pair of pants, everything hung and ironed to perfection.
"Trevor… can I ask question?" she wondered as she slowly sat up.
"Sure…" he turned and looked at her, her hair was a little dishevelled but even so, it still looked beautiful and dramatic. She made his breath catch and he hated himself a little for allowing himself the indulgence of falling in to her; of giving in to kisses and cuddles and complimenting her in a way that she may have regretted later on.
"Why do you wear a white coat at work?" she asked, a taunting little smile dancing upon her full, pink lips that were a little brighter after kissing him.
He laughed, "What's wrong with wearing my coat? I'm identifiable to the kids. I don't wear it for fun-" he paused, "actually it's a little fun, it has my name embroidered on it and every now and then I go crazy and pin cute stuff to it for the kids sake…"
She laughed too. "You're a dork! You just look… nicer without it."
He smiled, "But… its for the kids. So that they know who the doctor is… If I was working with adults, I wouldn't worry but, sometimes it can be confusing."
She smiled back at him. "Maybe I should wear one?" she joked.
Suddenly the thought of her wearing his jacket filled him with a sense of desire that he instantly felt guilty for.
"Well," he cleared his throat, "maybe you should…" he grabbed, flashing her a grin. "Help yourself to coffee or whatever you need!" he called out over his shoulder as he went to take a shower.
Olivia looked around his bedroom and smiled to herself, she felt refreshed and brave, bold for kissing him and almost like she was ready to like someone again.
It was as though she was ready to like him.