10. Worry

"Ryuzaki! Dad!"

Light's face lit up almost dramatically when the door of his room opened. He smiled brightly and invited his father and love to hug him. Soichiro rubbed his back for more than a few seconds, and Light hugged back. A while later it was L's turn, and he noticed Light's hair smelled like sweat more than they should.

"Do they give you the opportunity to shower, Light-kun…?"

Light shifted a little.

"Do I smell like sweat?"

L never said he didn't like it…

"A little."

Light sighed, but didn't L go. Instead, he hugged him a little tighter. It was so nice, and still it made L feel guilty. He was so sick of that word, and the feeling. He hated it.

Finally, Light released L. L noticed that he looked worse than yesterday. His complexion was pale and his gaze was tired. Soichiro noticed it too.

"Have you slept well?"

The same thing Soichiro had asked L that morning. Same intonation, same amount of worry and compassion. It hurt a little that he treated L as a son. Not because L was afraid he, Soichiro and Light would get jealousy problems with it, L wasn't his son, after all, but simply because he was an orphan. He wasn't used to this.

On the other side, he was happy for Light that he had a father, a father like this. He deserved it.

"No, I haven't…I can't sleep in this room. It's too small and impersonal, and I don't like the street lights and the sound of the traffic. I want to go back to the Headquarters…"

L and Soichiro glanced at each other, and Soichiro straightened his back.

"We have been talking about that this morning…If the doctor says your legs are healed and you can go back, we'll take you to the headquarters. We will take care of you. But, we'll first have to ask the doctor."

Light's face lit up again. "Will I be able to sleep in our old room?"

L smiled a little. "No, we'll put you somewhere else. The kitchen table seemed suitable to me, we took that in consideration."

Light smirked in response. "Being sarcastic, Ryuzaki?"

"No."

Light still smirked at him, and L couldn't but smirk back. This was Light how he wanted to see him. Soichiro smiled a little, too. "I'm gonna search for the doctor…"

He wanted to walk away, when Light threw the blankets away, immediately attracting L's eyes to the plaster on his slim legs.

"I want to come too. I'm sick of this hospital bed."

L and Soichiro both stepped closer to Light when he tried to get up. His legs didn't move properly and he looked clumsy, and L tried to push him back, but Light stubbornly pushed him away.

"I want to walk, I just want to go somewhere else…Help me to the shower, then, okay?"

L sighed. "You haven't changed in the slightest, Light-kun."

He hooked one arm under Light's, and helped him out of the bed. Soichiro supported his other side, and they walked out of the room. Light took his surroundings in like a little child, and had to lean on L and his father with all his weight. Which wasn't much, Light was a lightweight by nature (bad pun, but true) and L swore he'd lost weight in the past few days. They strolled down the corridor, and a girl greeted Light enthusiastically, like every girl would do. Light smiled back politely, but L caught the slight annoyance behind it.

"She's stalking you…?"

Light gave L another (genuine) smile. "Yes…She pays me two visits every day, and keeps on asking what happened…She doesn't believe that I lost my memories, she thinks I did something heroic, but am too shy to tell it."

Soichiro smirked, and L grinned softly. "I could've known that."

The doctor appeared, and blinked. "Hey, are you walking?"

Light smiled. "No, they're supporting me. My legs still don't work well…When can we stop with the anesthesia?"

The man smiled, and L felt that light feeling of disgust when he looked at the man. He didn't like him.

"We'll take a look at it now, and we'll show your father and friend," he winked at L, much to L's annoyance, "how to take care of the wounds. Come with me."

He walked away, way too fast for the three men following him. He 'led' them into a room that seemed to be made out of plastic and metal, nothing more, and pointed at a metal table in the middle of the room. L frowned.

"Mister Doctor-san, you realize that's a…"

The man shrugged. "A corpse investigation table is the best way to investigate wounds. We always put paper on it first, to make sure the patient doesn't cool down too much. Plus, the other investigation rooms are occupied at the moment."

Soichiro frowned and Light didn't seem happy with the idea either, but accepted the help L and Soichiro reluctantly offered him. He lay down and looked around nervously, and L touched his shoulder softly. Light blushed and smiled a little. L once again saw how beautiful he was, even after…everything. He smiled at Light weakly and looked away, but kept his hand on Light's shoulder, stroking him through the cotton covering his skin. Light touched L's wrist with his fingertips. Such a light touch, but so meaningful.

"We'll take a look at the legs first; I'll show you how to nurse the wounds. After that we'll look at the feet, decide if we can stop the anesthesia and see how the face's doing too."

The way the doctor almost talked about Light as a corpse made L shudder in horror and annoyance. The doctor didn't pay attention to the men in front of him and asked the blushing nurse behind him (when did she come in…?) to take scissors, and showed L and Soichiro how to remove the bandage. He asked them to come closer and L had to release his hold on Light's shoulder.

His stomach twitched sickeningly when he saw the cuts in Light's legs. Perfectly straight cuts with a knife that must've been sharper and more dangerous than most meat knifes, with rough stitches crossing over the wounds, keeping Light's legs from practically falling open. L clearly remembered how they'd bled when they found him in that damned alley. He unconsciously took Light's hand and squeezed it.

"Then, you take sterile swabs and wet them with disinfection liquid, and make sure you wet every single stitch, because we don't want this wound to infect, do we. Here, like this…press a little to see if it hurts and if it's healing, you can tell by looking at the way the skin stretches around the stitches. This is going to leave scars, definitely, but we'll try to keep those scars as nice as possible."

L tried not to snort. Scars weren't 'nice', and two lines on the front of your thighs made people wonder how they got there. He wondered if Light would have to change his short and leg-revealing swimming wear for over-sized things that only got in his way, in Light's opinion. Or would he just deal with the way people looked…? It hurt that this would mar Light's beauty. The first thing others would pay attention to would be the scars.

L had to replace the bandage to show the doctor he could do it (how OLD was he?) and his heart beat a little faster when the supple skin of Light's thighs unintentionally warmed his fingers (and heated his cheeks, but luckily he had his black bangs to hide it). He'd never touched them before like this, and it felt like a waste that he couldn't just touch and feel without the doctor, the now two nurses and Soichiro around. Not that the nurses paid attention to him, they seemed only there to admire the doctor, and steal a glance at Light every now and then.

"What if I want to shower? Should we remove the bandage first…?"

The doctor smiled. "You'll be allowed to shower again after we could remove the stitches. The most suitable way to get clean now would be with washcloths, but if someone wants to help you, you could just lay down on the bathroom floor and let someone clean you. It's difficult to do that alone, another person can navigate around the bandage better."

The doctor winked at L, and L tried to keep his face blank. "I could do that, if Light-kun wants me to…"

He looked at Light, and Light nodded. "Fine with me. I just want to stay clean."

It sounded indifferent, but L saw Light's cheeks color a soft pink.

The doctor continued with his feet. More wounds, but these wounds looked rougher, small, sharp cuts in the hollow of Light's feet. It didn't look too painful -it was almost healed-, if you didn't know if the small cuts were the way a pain-intensifying drug had entered Light's body, to make his already hurt body suffer even more. Luckily the liquid hadn't had any side-effects, but L made a mental note to at least have all those drugs in Robby's neighborhood destroyed.

The doctor decided his feet were healed enough, and Light was delighted when he saw his feet without bandage. L understood Light must've wondered if he'd ever be able to walk again; he couldn't know what happened with the heavy bandage keeping his feet out of sight.

The last thing they paid attention to was Light's cheek. It was broken, and face-bones could heal very well, but it was necessary to make sure nothing would hit it, so the plaster had to stay for a little while. Light's hair would have to be washed without wetting his face. Another job for L.

"When will he be able to go with us…?"

It sounded anxious, poor Soichiro. Light looked hopeful, L wondered if Light would make the headquarters nicer, or make L anxious, scared of the idea of Light's memories coming back again. Both, maybe…

"We don't know yet. We'll send your son home as soon as possible, preferably when he can walk by himself without risking the wounds opening again, which should be within a week. With care, he could practically go home tomorrow, but we want to keep him for a week longer to keep an eye on the wounds. Within what will probably a week he can go with you, but he'll have to come back a few times to check everything. I recommend a wheel chair, plenty of time outside and someone to help him shower, dress and move around. Someone who can stay with him all the time."

L would almost start to believe the intensity of the doctor's eyes became a vague shadow of his. He stared back shamelessly and without blushing, and announced he'd take that role. He'd make sure Light got everything he needed. It was logical, he had put Light into this hollow, and he'd pull him out again. And even if it hadn't been his fault, he would've still done it for Light. He still loved him, and he'd always do, even, and maybe especially, when Light regained his memories about what happened.

They had to pick Light up and bring him back to his bed, and Light protested, but the doctor assured him that if he'd stay in bed now, he could go home sooner. That thought seemed to cheer him up a little, and he accepted the help of L and Soichiro. L touched his waist and belly. Would these be touched by other men too…? Most likely. He stroked Light's waist lightly, hoping Light didn't notice it. He wanted to comfort him; he wanted to lessen the guilt…

They put Light back in his hospital bed, and Light worked himself up, a pillow propped up behind his back.

"If I have to stay here for a week or something, I'd like to have a laptop with me or something…I'm quite bored and I can't sleep, maybe a laptop can give me something to do."

L nodded. "I'll call Watari to buy you one. You're right, if you have to stay here for longer, this is the least I can do."

He'd do more for Light, definitely. He'd heal him until he was the old Light again, even if it would take years. Even if it would take longer than a lifetime. L would heal Light.

"But- Ryuzaki! I meant that you could bring one from the headquarters or something! Do you realize how expensive laptops are?"

"I sure do, and it doesn't matter how expensive it is. I paid for the headquarters too, right? A laptop for Light-kun is a sugar cube compared to that."

Light blushed and opened his mouth to protest again, but realized L would buy him one anyway.

"It's only natural you'll not be allowed to work on the Kira-case here in the hospital, but you should be able to find a way to entertain yourself, okay?"

The last sounded a bit too childish for L's liking, and he hoped Light didn't feel the same.

Light smiled. "If you want to buy one so bad, I'm fine with it, Ryuzaki. Thank you for the care."

If only he knew why…The memories of Light's face as L rejected him was still sticking to L's mind.

A sickening twitch in L's stomach made him tense all the muscles in his body, and he gripped onto his stomach. Light and Soichiro moved towards him, to see what was wrong.

"Ryuzaki, you sure you're alright?"

L grimaced. "Nothing, a stomach ache, that's all…"

Light tried to move closer. "Maybe you should eat something? Don't say this is worry about me, I'm gonna be fine, okay?"

L hoped it so bad another twitch made him cringe, and he gasped in pain and sickness. What was this…?

"Ryuzaki?"

L thought he was going to throw up.

"Maybe I'd better go to the toilet."

He stood up, not looking at Light or his father.

He rushed towards the bathroom, not daring to run but walking fast anyway, and could make it to a toilet just in time before he threw up all the coffee and banana he'd worked down his throat this morning. He coughed and sat still for a minute, feeling exactly where his stomach was positioned in his body. He shook all over his and cursed himself for wasting the banana that had cost him half an hour to finish. Damn, damn, DAMN. He cursed himself again for throwing up anyway. What was wrong with him? He had to be strong now; Light had the right to feel miserable. He had too, you couldn't take that right away from anyone, but he had to put it to the background and concentrate on Light.

He wiped his mouth clean and flushed away all the evidence of his physical weakness, stood up and stopped in front of the mirror. He didn't know what was wrong, maybe it was the lack of food or sleep, but he felt and looked really bad and weak. He had dark lines under his bags (!) and his now pink complexion had hints of grey. He washed his mouth and face and drank some water, but a sour taste lingered in his mouth. Damn. He really pitied the banana.

He washed the small tears (if only they were emotional tears…) out of his eyelashes and waited until the pink color all over his face had disappeared, but he still shook when he walked back to Light and Soichiro. They looked worried when he sat down again. He understood why; people who threw up always looked like they cried for a while.

"Don't worry, I didn't cry. Guess it must've been the banana…"

Light looked worried. "Make sure you eat enough, you're so thin already…"

He wasn't the genius he looked like if he thought L didn't already know that.

"I once discovered my body can function for twenty-two days without proper food. Most people with my body mass index would die after a week. Don't worry about my health, Light-kun. Yours is more worrisome now."

Light looked a little helpless. Maybe he realized L wasn't in the mood to argue about anything, whether it was about laptops or about L's health. Should L feel guilty now? Sure.

Light's eyes stood worried when he told L goodbye again, while L was mostly wondering when it would be his turn to feel as worried as Light did now.

Two days later, Light was staring at his new laptop screen, playing Spider Solitaire, trying to find some funny games to play or watching stupid, useless movies on the internet. L had given him the laptop and it eased the boredom a little, but it couldn't keep his mind away from the very person who handed him the laptop this morning.

He'd been worried the moment he saw L. The hollow look in his eyes, the tired but restless atmosphere he brought with him. The way he moved, even more listlessly and slowly than usual. L had thrown up last time, probably discarding all the food he'd need to function properly. Light was really worried about how L would feel without any food, and how it would affect his body. L's bones were already visible in some places, and Light could create a vivid image of how L would look if he'd lose too much weight. He didn't know if he wanted to see that, and if he wanted to know how moody L would be if he wouldn't eat enough. It was a rather scaring thought.

What would L be doing right now…? Within less than a week he'd know exactly what L would be doing. Lying in his bed with his knees against his chest, staring at a laptop screen too, showering, maybe…? Light stared at the Bubbles-game he was playing. He was losing badly, but felt too tired to do something about it. He wanted to sleep in the headquarters, but if he couldn't sleep here, he wondered if he'd be able to do so there. Maybe when L rubbed his back, if he'd draw slow circles on Light's muscles…He'd done that once, and it had been so relaxing…Yeah, with L's help he'd fall asleep soon enough. He did wonder how long he could last without sleep, however. Not sleeping felt bad. Did L feel this bad all the time…?

Of course, the theories about what happened started to sail through his head again. A traffic accident, a fight, a robbing, one of L's weird cases…It all crossed his mind, but nothing made sense. He was touching around in the dark, and it was so unsatisfying he wished he could forget there had to be a reason for him being wounded. But he couldn't, and it nagged his mind all the time. Except from the moments L was there, moments that took way too short for Light's liking (and maybe L's too…? The way he held Light's hand today, and touched his waist…). Sigh, L. Where was he at the moment…? The headquarters of course, where would he be if it wasn't there…?

Light could still feel L's hand on his waist, anyway. It was if he was still touching him there, the pressure of a hand that no touch could remove, no shower or bubble bath, a hand that would stay there…He laid his hand on the spot. No hand. Still it was there, L's fingers slowly stroking him through the cotton material as he supported him. Light wondered why. L's way of apologizing, hadn't he been realizing what it did to Light…? L…

The tenth game of Bubbles started, and Light talked in his head to L about how he was going to win.

'See? It's about precision and concentration, and looking where you should try to remove them…Look! I made all the pink bubbles disappear, for you. I always try to do the yellow ones first; they don't fit the other colors. Do you think so too? I called myself Moon. If I break the high score from today, the whole world will see 'Moon' broke it. Isn't that interesting?'

The L in his head didn't say anything, only stared at the screen with his hand on Light's waist. Light wondered why he wouldn't talk. Would L be asleep…?

When he glanced at the clock in the corner of the screen, half an hour of daydreaming about L had passed. Love was so cruel…Light would rather stare at L all the time, admire him and talk to him, instead of wishing he were around...Some nurse came in and said he had to go asleep, and he put the laptop away without arguing. The daydreams about L became actual dreams, dreams about L's hands soothing Light's body. Hands that could never be washed away, that would stick to Light's body for so much longer. They slid over his bare back, his sides, his belly and up to his chest. They touched his nipples and held his shoulders, and caressed the soft insides of his arms, tracing veins you could make out if you pressed into Light's skin carefully. They ended with his hands and stroked them, furled them together and held them against Light's chest, Light's hands on his heart with L's hands on top of them. He dreamt he fell asleep, and he couldn't remember the things he dreamt after that. Maybe it was better he didn't. Maybe it was just stretching the time he'd need to heal. He wouldn't know, he wouldn't remember the dreams that were actual memories of pain and regret. He only knew that he was crying when he woke up, a giant hollow in his chest he couldn't explain yet.

Hands. Hands that would stick to the body of that little slut for much longer.

Subaru grinned when he remembered the brunet he'd raped so satisfyingly. The pain in his face, what a treasure…He started laughing out loud when he imagined the trauma he caused. He knew he was still alive, nothing more. He hoped Virgie was crying right now, and that the gun-whore with the boring clothes was trying to comfort him without making it any better. Yeah, sorrow…He licked his lips when he imagined it.

The cell he was in was small and sterile, and all he was wearing was a striped overall with a number on it. Prison. He'd always wondered how it would be in prison…There were probably enough chicks and boys brought here to be punished by him. He giggled. Poor, poor…Who'd be next? After Virgie he'd like some chick to hit on her butt, he wondered when his free time would start. Finally some jerk with a silly hat came in to take him outside of the cell, and brought him to the main room. He looked around for Buddy and Chicken, but he couldn't find them. Where they here, actually…?

He searched for some nice chicks, but didn't find them. He pulled his pierced eyebrow up. Only men and not little sluts. All broad and muscled men, with balls in their arms making the fabric of their overall almost snap. He smirked. Heh. Losers…

"Hey, look!"

A few men looked around, to notice him standing in the middle of the room. Soon they were all looking at him, and he looked back. They were really ugly…Yuck, maybe he'd have to fuck one of them.

A man with 'Kill the one I love and hate' (or something, the guy who put that thing there had a quite lame hand writing) on his arm stepped closer.

"You, guy…You know what's gonna happen tonight…"

Subaru rolled his eyes. "Yuck, don't tell me I'll have to fuck you. Do it yourself, or ask him."

He pointed at a man with black fingers and two cigarettes between his lips.

All the men laughed suddenly.

"It'll be the other way round…"

Tss. Whatever. It was Subaru who caused agony, not them. He rolled his eyes again.

"Yeah whatever; try whatever you like. I raped more sluts in my life than you can count. Bye."

He walked away and let himself lead through the building, waiting for the moment some chick would appear. When the moment didn't arrive, he grinned and started going through a list of all sluts he'd done the last few months. Virgie had been the best, definitely. Poor kid, heh…

The last thing they showed him was the shower, and he giggled when he imagined in what ways he could press a victim to the tiles. It didn't pop up in his head that what would happen tonight would be the other way round indeed, and he couldn't believe what was happening until he was left in a puddle of sweat, blood and semen.

Just like Virgie.