11. Exhaustion

"I feel bad…"

Soichiro pulled the blankets around the World's Three Best Detectives a little tighter, and looked at what he could see of his face. L pulled those same blankets up to his eyes, and all Soichiro could see were two sad black orbs. He usually looked so alert and vivid, despite his lack of sleep, but now he looked as exhausted as you'd expect from someone who slept that little. Soichiro was extremely sorrowful about his son, but he really felt bad for L too. He'd seen him shaking, defeated and shocked before, but he'd never seen him like this, and it scared him a little.

"Ryuzaki, Light is right. Please make sure you eat enough. You're shaking a little."

L sighed softly, probably without the intention to let Soichiro hear it, but Soichiro noticed his breathing was shaking too. He looked at the contours of L's body through the blankets, and though the blankets were fairly thick could Soichiro still make out the shape of his waist and hips. He shuddered. L really didn't have many reserves to burn if he stopped eating.

"I just don't have appetite. I'll try to eat something tomorrow. Maybe when Light-kun can come back I'll be able to eat."

Soichiro wondered if L knew what he'd just said, but he suddenly felt a lot of sympathy for the ball of limbs and blankets he was staring at. He felt so guilty and worried he couldn't eat, which showed a totally new side of L, and he loved Soichiro's son so much he missed him enough to stop eating. Soichiro patted the form of L's shoulder.

"I hope so. I'll arrange breakfast tomorrow; I want you to at least try one thing you like, plus a cup of tea. You'll not leave the table before you eat something."

He wondered how he managed to talk to his current boss like this, but maybe L was taking over the role of a son…? He reminded Soichiro of Light, at first sight you'd never think the two had anything in common, but L's reactions on bad events were similar to his son's. Light would look sad, would always find a reason to feel guilty and stop eating momentarily, with the difference that Light cried easily, but L didn't seem to be able to do so. Soichiro wondered why.

He decided to leave it how it was; he already was invading L's personal space so much it was becoming unprofessional.

"I'll see you tomorrow. Sleep well."

He left L and clicked the light off, wondering if L would start crying right now.

"Hahaha, you're so funny, Evening God…"

"No, really, I lost my memories, I have no idea what happened-"

"Aww, that's so cute…See, I told you he was shy!"

"Really, I can't remember a thing-"

"B-"

"Light-kun?"

The three girls standing in Light's room turned around when they heard L's voice, and one of them gasped in adoration when she saw him. The other two pulled their eyebrows up and slid their gazes over his too wide clothes, and up again, to his eye bags. L didn't care and looked at Light, whose cheeks had turned a soft pink that melted L's heart. The cinnamon eyes blinked slowly, as if L was a regained memory Light had to adjust to.

"Ryuzaki…? I thought you weren't coming today…"

L smiled a little, walked to Light's bed and hugged him tightly, not wanting to let him go and pitying the girls behind him for interrupting their privacy. Light stroked L's back lazily, indicating that he wouldn't mind them gone either.

"I didn't have anything to do, so I thought I'd better visit you."

"Hmmm…"

L buried his nose in Light's hair, to smell disinfectant shampoo Light had showered with, probably with the help of two or three giggling nurses staring at his nudity. L touched Light's bare neck. They didn't have the right to touch this softness…

The girls behind them didn't say anything until L let go, half a minute after he'd walked in. Light smiled lovingly at L, and L was sure it was partly on purpose, because Light's eyes weren't completely focused on him, he saw.

"Umm…Maybe we'd better leave you two alone…"

The girls left, one giggling and two looking downright disappointed. Light frowned, shrugged and pulled L against him again, first holding him tightly, but releasing some pressure after he noticed L was hugging him back. He sighed, laying his hands on L's back and tracing some vertebras. L shuddered lightly, not enough to notice, and worked his hands underneath Light's shoulder blades. His neck was very soft against L's cheek, and he could almost touch that velvet with his lips…

He closed his eyes. Light was so good. Everything about him made L love him so much it hurt badly. His blushes, his smiles, his natural perfume, his softness…L couldn't get enough of it. He actually forgot why they were in a hospital, until he noticed Light sighed softly.

"Light-kun, what is it…?"

L pulled back and soothed Light's face, seeing how tears were forming in Light's tired eyes. The guilt that had disappeared for a minute was flung back like a hammer in L's chest.

"I-it's nothing, I just wish we were back at the headquarters…I'm fed up with this hospital and these clothes, and I want to be somewhere I feel home…"

L wanted to kiss Light, to make everything alright, to see him forgetting he was in a hospital…He was so beautiful and yet he looked so tired it hurt. L took a tissue and dried Light's tears.

"Tomorrow you'll be going home, Light-kun. We'll leave this hospital together, and I'll bring you back to the headquarters."

Light smiled through his tears. "You can't drive, Ryuzaki. Watari or Dad will bring us to the headquarters."

L smirked. "Bang. That hurts. You're right, but I'll be with you, I promise. Does that make you feel a little better…?"

A touched smile brightened Light's face, and the tears started welling up in his eyes again.

"Yes. Thank you, Ryuzaki…"

L put the tissue away, sitting down on Light's bed against the part of the propped up pillow Light wasn't leaning against, and took the crying boy in his arms. The tears in Light's eyes started streaming down his cheeks, but it didn't worry the male holding him. L was sure they were just a release of stress Light hadn't been able to share with anyone in the past few days. Matsuda discovered patterns in the killingsthat had to be investigated, but in the end it had been nothing, it only resulted in shortened visits to Light while Soichiro was around constantly, and sometimes Sayu, Sachiko and some random girls. Like today. Even with plaster covering his face Light looked god-like, so it wasn't strange that there were still girls hitting on him, but L hadn't had the opportunity to be alone with Light.

L slowly rocked Light, soothing his hair and face, wiping away the tears on Light's cheeks. He felt so guilty that Light had to go through this…Light was a bit of a crybaby, not every tear meant something being terribly wrong, L knew that now, but still, he wouldn't have cried those tears for those reasons if L hadn't been so rough…He closed his eyes and concentrated on the feeling of Light's soft skin and the weight of his head against L's chest, instead of the two cups of coffee and half a doughnut in his stomach. They weren't allowed to come out; Light didn't have to see L going sick again. Plus, L needed all his energy in order to make sure Light was feeling a little better.

He just put Light back on his pillow and sat back on the side of his bed, when the doctor walked in with that arrogant posture of his.

"Gentlemen."

Light and L were both startled when they heard the voice. Light quickly dried the remaining tears and tried to look normal, L crept away from Light a little further.

"I am here to tell you some good news. Yagami…" He once again had to look on the paper he was holding. How long did he need to have someone with such a strange name in his section before he'd remember it…? "…Light, yes, Yagami Light, will be allowed to go home by tomorrow. His wounds are healed enough to make sure they'll not infect or open again. We'll remove the stitches in his legs next hour, we'll stop with the anesthesia and he'll be allowed to go. He'll have to come back every three days, for the next two weeks. We'll look at the wounds and talk about his mental state. Is that alright with you, gentlemen?"

Light had frowned at the words 'mental state', which L understood perfectly, but he was happy that Light would be allowed to go to the headquarters. L was glad Light would most likely regain his memories in a place where he felt home. Light did so; he'd said it more often than just a minute ago. Plus, most people needed to feel at home somewhere before they could roll on the floor from laughter, like Light had done so much the last few weeks before…it.

The doctor left again, announcing that 'Yagami…Light, yes, Light' would be operated on again within one hour. He had to dress for it (meaning: remove his cotton pants), and L had to leave again, he wasn't allowed to stay because 'visit time was over'. He hugged Light tightly, apologized that he wouldn't be there after he had gone to the surgery once again, and left with pain in his heart, knowing Light had to pass the night alone, again. He wanted to leave the floor, when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned around, facing the doctor. He was smiling that toothpaste-smile of his, and L felt annoyance twitch his hand.

"Hello, friend from Yagami Light. Are you going to take him with you, tomorrow?"

L nodded. "He'll be going somewhere where he'll be taken care of constantly. He'll feel home enough to recover mentally."

He hoped it, so badly.

The doctor grinned. "Perfect. Well, what I wanted to ask you: Have you ever dealt with rape victims before?"

A thousand times. At Wammy's, during cases, more things in his life…It just had never really been his fault like this…

"Yes," L mumbled bluntly.

"Well, may I still supply you with some advice?"

L nodded, eying the doctor distantly. He really didn't like the man. He unnerved him so much L wondered if it was his intuition warning him. He decided alarm bells felt different, but still made a mental note to stay with Light when he had to return to the hospital for check-up.

"Alright. Well, at first, you know rape victims often stop eating and grow reluctant to physical contact?"

Of course he knew. There was a girl in Wammy's who'd been abused and raped too, at a much younger age. Most kids loved hugging L so much his face went blue, but this girl hadn't done so for a year. L, who'd been fourteen by that time and already the favorite panda plushy of most children of Wammy's, had let her, he didn't want to scare her, but after a year she'd outstretched her arms and asked L for a hug, like the other kids. L had felt her shaking and tensing, but he'd just rocked her softly and after a while she'd relaxed. Mello had said it was one of L's talents; that he was so relaxing to hug because he was soft. L had wondered if it had something to do with fat, but one look in the mirror had changed that idea. His weight would make you think it was L who'd gone through the same as the girl, instead of Light…

"I know that, I personally dealt with rape victims before, and I'll try to help Light-kun as good as possible. I want him to recover, like I said, physically and mentally. I know what to do when rape victims stop eating or don't want to touch others anymore."

The doctor frowned. L could imagine most people were all 'Thank you, doctor, you're a hero…', while L had probably more experience than he had, and didn't listen to his advice. He'd heal Light, and he knew he was capable enough to do so. Light-kun. L loved him.

"Thank you for your help, doctor, but I think I'll be going home now. I'll be here tomorrow to pick Light-kun up. Thank you for caring for him."

The doctor flashed him a plastic smile and a 'Naturally, it's my duty', but L caught the annoyance behind it. Yes, L felt the same… Two big egos meeting under the wrong circumstances.

When he walked out of the hospital to step in the car Watari was driving, he felt the guilt that had disappeared momentarily because of the annoyance almost stifle him. Light-kun, what happened, what had ever gone wrong that it ended up like this…? Fate was cruel, if this was Fate's fault.

"Ryuzaki, are you alright…?"

L managed to nod, but knew that Watari saw right through him. He'd seen him in a state like this before, he knew when L felt like he was dying inside.

Back at the headquarters, he stormed straight upstairs and crashed into the bed, creeping to Light's pillow and burying his head in it, to sniff up the scent of Light when he was asleep; salty but natural, with a hint of Light's eternal coconut shampoo. L would be the one to make Light's hair smell like that…Until Light would regain his memories, he thought with the feeling of a rubber hammer hitting him in his guts. Light. Light. Light. Why…Why did all this happen…It wasn't fair at all…

He breathed in and made his tummy swell, and flatten again when he released the air. Light filled his lungs. Light crushed him from the inside, the memories, the regret, the guilt, the idea of Light being unconscious right now, the doctor removing the band-aid and the stitches, and maybe checking if another part of Light was already healed…Would that be what the anesthetics had been for…? Making sure Light wouldn't feel the pain that would make him figure out what happened…? It could be… L started to wonder if they did that with more people in the same state as Light. Things were weird.

He also started wondering what would happen if he'd tell everything that happened, so that Light could get used to the idea, like he'd said himself. He'd give Light one day to be happy he was home, and as soon as Light started about it again, L would tell him everything, the whole story, from the beginning to the end. Everything he knew. Maybe it would make the memories turn back spontaneously, Light's brain was so logical it had probably subconsciously figured out everything, but repressed it to protect itself. It was a natural defense mechanism of the human psychology that was active every conscious moment of a human life, to protect the mind from being poisoned by things that didn't matter or make sense. L knew it, and wondered if that was the reason Light couldn't remember anything. Because his brain didn't want him to remember anything. Would it be better like this, would it be possible the memories would stay away all his life…? In that case, L could tell Light, to fasten the recovery process. The thought of being raped had to be hard to comprehend, though he couldn't remember it actually happening, but not knowing would leave him wondering for the rest of his life. Unless he figured it out...

L bit his lip and started shaking all over his body, laying on his side with Light's pillow pressed over his face, praying for the tears to come, hoping that Light wouldn't regain his memories soon, and at the same time hoping everything would be over. Light had to recover, he had to remember everything and deal with it, with L by his side, and L would fight for him until he'd see that bright smile again, the smile that made him wonder how he could've lived without Light for more than twenty-five years. The smile he'd fallen so much in love with.

His chest started heaving, and every fiber of L screamed for him to cry, to release a tiny bit of the burden crushing him from inside. He thought he'd die if this would continue. Was it possible to die from guilt…? Who knew, sometimes people died from a broken heart, and maybe L wasn't an exception. He'd pretty much broken his own heart too, but he'd completely ruined Light's. Hearts could be healed, though…All his life, L had seen hearts being broken, but he'd also seen how hearts could be healed. The most broken persons, the most angst-filled hearts could heal again…

It wasn't the question if Light's heart would heal, but how fast. L would heal Light's heart by all means necessary. He'd even ask that stupid doctor for help if it was necessary. Light was more important than L's pride. There was just one thing that got in his way…L wasn't sure what this all would do to him. He was used to live under pressure, to feel guilt, to repair lives and sometimes break them for Justice's sake, but this was so close he wondered how it would affect him. He already was shaking all over and unable to cry for some reason. It shouldn't get any worse…

He kept pondering over these things all night, thinking of every way he could to heal Light. What would happen if he'd leave him, if he'd make Light forget him, just stayed away from him so that Light could recover without L reminding him about all those things…? What would happen if L would tell him everything and what would happen if he'd never remember after that? Would he ever believe him, would he think L was lying to hide another truth…? Would he end it all, unable to live with the thought of being used…? L's stomach pressed together so hard L had to roll of the bed and run to the toilet before he'd throw up all over Light's pillow. It seemed to take hours before L's stomach was completely empty, literally nothing left in his still twitching stomach. His arms and hands almost couldn't support him anymore, the back of his throat burned and his mouth tasted so disgusting he wondered if there existed toothpaste with a taste strong enough to make this disappear. He felt so terribly weak.

After minutes of staring at the sour his own body had produced with as only goal destroying bacteria and fungi L would eat when hungry (which wasn't now), L forced himself up and flushed it all down, cleaned his mouth and brushed his teeth, drank a glass of water to get the burning feeling away and threw all his clothes in the empty laundry basket. He walked back to the bed and realized he'd put his phone in his jeans, and his jeans in the laundry basket. He walked back, took his phone and saw it was 11:23PM, way too early for L's liking. It would take too many hours before he'd be allowed to take Light with him.

Light-kun.

Sweet, soft Light-kun.

L wondered what to do, decided he didn't feel like showering and instead took washcloths to clean himself thoroughly with water and fruit-scented yoghurt-shower gel, in an attempt to relax some and kill time before Light would be back. He realized he'd have to clean Light right there, on the bathroom floor…Light would be able to walk, probably, but L would have to wash his hair and body, to make sure he wouldn't wet the wounds if not necessary. He'd massage Light's feet, he decided. To relax him, but for how long…? Light would get his memories back, once…Would he want to be touched then…? Maybe he wouldn't want to, what if he'd grow so reluctant for physical contact he'd jerk away if his hand would touch L's while taking their toothbrushes? Would he start panicking if L tried to soothe his arm? Would he be startled by someone rubbing his back? Would he be disgusted when L hugged him, while all L wanted was to comfort him…?

The young male closed his eyes and sat still for another few minutes, before he was cooled all over his skin and was forced into taking a hot shower, to make sure he wouldn't catch a cold and be ill while he'd have to nurse Light. He decided to solve some cases after that. Wrapped in the biggest and softest towel he could find, he walked back to his laptop and turned it on, to mail Watari for some cases. Apparently Watari was awake and understood him, because he'd found L three cases involving money, nothing with murder, violence or rape. L solved them, thanking Watari from the bottom of his heart. When he was done, it was 8:23AM, he dressed and met Soichiro in the kitchen. He looked a little better than the days before, and he greeted L with an "I heard you solved three extremely difficult cases in one night, congratulations, Ryuzaki" and they drank coffee together, talking about some good things Matsuda had done for the investigation. L felt a sparkle of joy in his chest. Matsuda was still the same idiot. Everything good he'd done was either pure accidence or had even looked very disadvantaging for the Task Force, but later on someone else would decide to make the best out of it and found out something so good that Matsuda had to have a reason why he never failed as a cop.

They worked a sandwich with marmalade (L added sugar) down their throats, in anticipation of Light's sleepy face next to them within twenty-four hours. Soichiro wondered when Light would get his memories back; L could see it behind his eyes. He asked Soichiro if he was fine, and Soichiro answered he should be the one asking L. Still the same Soichiro…

The man drove to the hospital with L next to him, and they talked about what they'd do with Light. Soichiro would check on him three times a day, comfort him as well as possible and he said he'd take care of L as well. L didn't see how, but he let it pass. Light was Soichiro's son. He still felt like an intruder.

When the elevator stopped on Light's floor and the door opened, L was immediately greeted by the sight of two beautiful honey brown eyes shining when they saw him, and he had to step out of the elevator before Light would make him fall back into it. He was crushed by his abused love, Light holding onto him as if he were a life saver (which he was, for many people) and slowly rocking as he clung to L. Soichiro stood next to it, and L saw him smile, touched that his son could be so affectionate. When Light finally released L, it was Soichiro's turn and he was crushed too, and it was just then that L realized Light was wearing regular clothes, and that he was walking. He stared at Light's legs, now only visible from the backside and looking as slender, sexy and athletic as they always did. No scars, no stitches, no weak little sticks as limbs were visible through his pants, which was logical, but L was glad. Light's legs were still the same, it looked (and L had stared often enough to know what they looked like).

Light walked away, to his room, the probably two most important persons in his life staring at him. Light was so strong it was incredible. L glanced at his side, Soichiro glanced back and for a little moment, both shone with pride and love. For Light.

"Let's go, I don't want to stay here a second longer!"

Light greeted a few nurses, thanked the doctor and realized he forgot his phone. While he was gone to search it, L and Soichiro made an appointment with the doctor to come back within two days, to see how Light was doing. Light would have to rest for the first few days and get a lot of fresh air, eat healthy and his wounds had to be cleaned twice a day too. He'd be allowed to work some (L asked it, Light would probably like to start working on the Kira-case again), but no full days, and he had to take breaks. He also needed love- the doctor looked at L again- because the healing process would be slowed down terribly if he thought he was alone. He needed physical contact ; simple touches like a pat on his shoulder or arms brushing while standing next to someone else. L almost spaced out since he could dream all this already. Sorry, doctor, L knew how to deal with rape victims.

Light appeared again, his face worried. "My cell is gone! I think someone stole it or it fell on the sheets, and now it's being washed together with the sheets, but I don't want my cell to be dead…"

The doctor smiled and handed Light his cell, telling him he shouldn't let it wander there where everyone could find it. He winked at L. Had the doctor stolen Light's phone, knowing he'd get to talk to L and Soichiro, without Light around, like that…? L didn´t know if he should respect it or not. It was something he´d done himself, many times, but he didn´t like it that the doctor manipulated Light like that. Only L and Light were allowed to trick each other.

Light held the laptop L had bought him under his arm, and Soichiro took the bag with underwear and other necessities over from him. Light waved at the girls from yesterday (one of them had an arm packed in plaster, L noticed, explaining why those brats actually were in a hospital), and the elevator doors closed. The space was practically lit up by Light's happiness. As soon as the elevator started moving, he turned to L and Soichiro, and he kept on telling how happy he was that he was gone from the hospital, until they were in the car.

Light and L started chatting about Matsuda and Misa, about how L managed to send Misa to Kyoto for a series of photo shoots that would take a month, and about the leads Matsuda had found to Kira (during the earlier visits, all they'd done was hold and comfort each other, or Soichiro and others being around asking Light how he was feeling, so they hadn´t really talked). Light soon started about everything he hated about the hospital, about how annoying it was to have your legs paralyzed, about how useless he'd felt, and how he'd missed his Dad and L.

"It's just…I got so used to your presence that it's hard to sleep without you. Not in the wrong way or something, you just feel familiar and I hated that I didn't have you to share my annoyance with. The room was too empty and impersonal, I couldn't even move without having to rearrange my legs while they were limp, and I couldn't even shower or use the bathroom by myself. Do you know how humiliating it is when you need someone else to hold you up while you pee?"

L snickered. "Luckily you can do it yourself now. If I had to carry you to the bathroom every time, I'd have left you in that hospital."

Light looked hurt, and L smiled sweetly at Light. "Kidding."

He knew that it was way too early to feel relieved, but he couldn't but feel lighter when he saw the Headquarters appear, knowing that he'd heal Light.