Everything After That

by SugarFap

Alternative Reality Fiction - S13 Olivia Benson, a child therapist at a children's ward at Trinity Hospital meets Dr Trevor Langan specialising in Long term Childhood Illness. Olivia has dealt with men in power and the experience has never been good. Despite his wonderful reputation, he appears to be just like the rest of them and he and Olivia find themselves at odds.

12. Chapter 12

AN - Hi everyone, merry Christmas and please beware that this chapter has a trigger warning of Sex Assault and death.
Please leave me comments... sorry it took a little while, but ive had a lot to do this holiday season. :) I will be working on I dont Know You Anymore for a little while before my next chapter of this :)

---

Chapter 12

"Can I come in?" Trevor asked Olivia. They had considered showering together but Olivia had complained that he would wet her hair and if they were going out, she wouldn't be able to do her hair without a blow-drier and her curling wand. Trevor had relented. He showered first and began to get dressed while Liv had a rinse off.

"Sure…" she replied. Trevor opened the door and smiled – she stood in front of the bathroom mirror with her emergency kit that she always had in her handbag. She leaned over the vanity and brushed her teeth.

She stared at him in the reflection as she rinsed her mouth. He looked lovely in a button down blue shirt and a pair of black jeans. "Is this okay?" he asked, fussing with his collar. For a second, Olivia felt a sense of belonging in such a strange yet domesticated situation. She liked it for its normalcy and its ease.

She turned to face him, letting her eyes travel up his tall frame. They were inches apart and she could smell the cologne that he had put on after his shower, he smelled lovely and she could barely hold in her feelings for him. She placed her hands upon his waist and smiled. "I think you look really nice," she replied.

Trevor grinned back at her – feeling like they were existing in a warm, romantic bubble – an alternative universe where she definitely had feelings for him. "Yeah?"

She nodded, looking blissfully happy, relaxed and for the first time, not holding back with him. He always got the sense that even if she wanted to be completely herself with him, she was always on guard, but for once she seemed to be acting as she pleased, comfortable and trusting.

He relished that version of her and hoped she could stay so at ease with him.

"Yeah… you could probably look handsome in a potato sack," she joked.

He laughed, the back of his neck reddening. "Thanks… What are you going to wear?"

"I don't know… I don't have a great deal of choices," she replied, turning back to the mirror. She felt his hands on her bare shoulders as she picked a make up brush from her little kit and began dabbing it in a small peach-y-brown coloured palette. Trevor watched her make tiny circles upon her eyelids as though it was something she did every single day. She was clearly an expect at it.

She put the small palette down and grabbed another, a darker colour. "Are you just going to stand there and watch me?" she asked him, her brush poised to deepen the colours on her eyelids.

He smiled and let his fingers caress their way to her neck and back down again. It felt nice, Olivia could have gotten very used to his absent touches. "I like watching you put on make up, its kind of intriguing."

"It's unfair, is what it is…" she joked, not really minding that he wanted to watch her. She went in with the next colour, adding some depth to her eyes before snapping the eyeshadow shut and dropping with with the brush in to the small case. All she had was a terrible liquid liner and mascara.

"Okay, you can't watch this next part," she told him, "I can't deal with people watching me line my eyes."

He laughed, "okay beautiful," he kissed the top of her head and left her to it. She couldn't help but to feel a little mushy inside.

Olivia finished with her make up while Trevor waited in the living room for her.

She came out wearing a pair of tight jeans that hugged all of her curves and a black-sleeveless silk tank. "Wow!" Trevor rose an eyebrow, letting his eyes fall over her thick thighs and her well-rounded backside.

"Is it okay?" she asked, making a face, "is it too casual?"

"Are you kidding me? It is casual but its also not casual…" he chuckled, amazed by the body that filled out her clothes. Her long, wavy hair was pulled over one shoulder and her make up looked perfect without much effort at all.

He knew without getting being very close to her that she smelled wonderful and as he stood, barely able to keep his eyeballs attached to their cords, he began to smell the scent of her sweet perfume that had only been faintly upon her skin when they'd laid together earlier.

He advanced toward her and took her hand, "you look beautiful, Olivia," he told her seriously. "Like, honestly, knee-weakening beautiful."

She grinned back at him, her stomach fluttering with feeling for him.

"Thank you," she blushed. "Do you think I should wear my heels or should I just wear my flat shoes?" she asked, nodding at the flats she had changed in to in the car that were sittign by his door.

"Heels—" he replied, if only because he knew she would be a little taller and because he selfishly thought there was something sexy about her black pumps. "but only if theyre comfortable."

"I was born for heels," she told him with a grin, flicking her dark hair jokingly.

Trevor chuckled. She grabbed her handbag and announced that she was ready and together they went downstairs and caught an uber to the bar.

/

Olivia felt nervous as they got of the Uber. She hoped that Trevor's cousin liked her, that there wouldn't be any awkwardness, but also hoped that she wouldn't have to remain switched-on in professional-Olivia mode all night. She hoped to be able to relax and for her to feel comfortable enough to just be herself.

"What's wrong?" Trevor asked as they stood on the sidewalk. He saw some tension cloud her face.

She looked up and smiled. "Nothing, I'm good."

"No, I can see it on your face, what's going on? We don't have to go in… I can tell him we are cancelling."

Olivia shook her head quickly. Only one hand she was impressed with his ability to read her but she also didn't want him to feel like his time with his cousin had to be compromised for her own stupidity.

"No, no… I just honestly," she looked at him and licked her lips, "I just forget what it's like to meet people socially, not work-related, it makes me a little nervous."

His smile softened and she felt his warm hand clasp hers. "Can I hold your hand in front of my cousin? Is that okay?"

She glanced down at his fingers locked around hers. She managed a smile and nodded. She knew it would be okay. "Yeah…"

"And you should know this about my cousin, he's 12 years younger than me and he gives me a hard time about being an old guy and take away his teasing, he really does make me feel old," he laughed.

Olivia was able to laugh too. For some reason, knowing his cousin was a lot younger put her at ease.

The headed in to the busy bar. Trevor texted his cousin to let him know they had arrived. "He said he secured a table outside, are you warm enough?" he asked Olivia, slipping his phone back in to his pocket.

"It's not cold, Trev, I'm fine," she replied. "Do you want a drink before we go sit?" he asked her.

She nodded, she wanted something strong. Just a quick shot to take the edge off. "Yes please, something I can guzzle down and just relax again," she blurted out.

He felt her nervousness and ordinarily he would have talked her out of it, but he just wanted her to relax. They approached the bar and Trevor ordered two glasses of scotch for him and his cousin and turned to Liv. "What would you like, sweetheart?" he asked, circling an arm around her, placing his other hand on the bar on her opposite side. He felt her getting closer. The bartender waited patiently while she spoke in to his ear. He could barely hear her over the noise inside.

He was reminded of just how much he hated bars.

"Sure," he replied, sealing her request with a kiss upon her temple. He turned to the bartender, "and we'll get a vodka with club soda and lime."

He handed over some money before Olivia was able to even get her purse out. He placed his hand on her upper arm. "Its fine, I've got it…" he smiled. "I'm taking you out, I invited you, that's the way it works, remember?"

She regarded him with a grateful smile. "Thanks…"

He pressed his lips against hers, letting his tongue probe her mouth. She chuckled against him, opening her mouth, feeling an arm around her shoulders. He made her feel so mushy inside that she could barely understand how quickly her brain had relented on her feelings.

They grinned dumbly at each other for a second as they waited for their drinks. She reached up and brushed a little of her plum lipstick from his lips with her thumb. "Sorry," she apologized. Trevor didn't mind though.

"Worth it," he shrugged as the bartender set their drinks down and they headed out to meet up with his cousin. Before they'd reached the outdoor area to the back of the bar, Olivia had almost drained her drink. Trevor pretended not to notice but let her go. "You're not working tomorrow, are you?" he asked her.

She shook her head. "Nope, first weekend off this month… I told Meghan she could call if she needed anything though."

"Okay good," he guided her out as she held on to his drink and her own until they approached a four-person bar table where a man who looked a lot younger than Trevor sat. He shot up grinning when he saw them approach.

Good genes ran in the Langan family, Olivia observed. He was also tall, not as tall as Trevor but taller than 6ft. He had bright blue eyes and facial hair that looked as though it'd been stencilled on his face.

"Heyyyyy!" he greeted his cousin. They hugged as if they hadn't seen each other in months and Olivia could tell straight away that there was a mutual love and closeness between them

"Yo, Trev!" Christian mussed up his cousin's hair cheekily.

With an arm around his cousin, Trevor handed him a drink. "This is yours … and this is mine," he took his own from Olivia, "and this is Dr. Olivia Benson…"

Christian grinned at her, "Hi Dr. Benson, nice to meet you, I'm Christian Langan."

"Please," Olivia smiled charmingly, "It's just Olivia, nice to meet you Christian."

"You too, Olivia, please sit down guys… people have been hovering eyeing off all these seats for the past fifteen minutes…" he laughed. His voice was deep too, just like Trevor's. "Thanks for the drink." He glanced at Olivia and nodded at the small amount of liquid left in her glass, "looks like you're almost ready for another."

"Please, let's pace ourselves," Trevor replied, "neither of us have eaten. I don't need you peer pressuring us."

Olivia smirked at Trevor and back at her cousin, "actually I am almost ready for another, the first one didn't even hit the sides."

"Oooft, a woman after my heart," Christian flirted. "what's your drink of choice, Liv? I can tell a lot about a woman and her alcohol."

Olivia managed a laugh and glanced at Trevor who shrugged with a little laugh, taking a big mouthful of his drink. "Vodka is my spirit of choice, if I'm drinking wine, I like a nice astringent Shiraz."

Christian nodded, smiling. "Okay, okay… nice, do you prefer a spirit or wine?"

"Depends on how bad my day was," she joked. "I enjoy spirits when I'm happy and wine when I want to cry and listen to Adele."

He started to laugh and flashed Trevor a grin, "Wow, Trev, Olivia listens to Adele, looks like you met your soul mate…" he joked, teasing his older cousin.

Trevor turned to Olivia and rolled his eyes, "pay no attention to this smart mouth, he gets in my car from the airport and Adele just happened to be on a random playlist and he hasn't stopped talking about it since."

Olivia laughed and grabbed Trevor's upper arm with good nature. "I'm cool if you like Adele, honey," she teased him too.

Christian laughed. "Well Olivia, I approve, fun vodka drinkers are the best, I like your style. You haven't even rinsed it down with some kind of overpowering soda, you're the real deal."

Olivia's hand lingered down the bend of Trevor's arm until she found his hand. Christian pretended not to notice the woman reaching for his cousin. He couldn't quite place it, but he knew something had transpired between them.

He felt happy for him. He knew what Trevor had been through and he could tell through their talks alone just how much he felt for Olivia. He liked her too, he knew straight away that she was sweet if a little shy and self-conscious.

He wanted to party with them to have them both let loose and hopefully share their real feelings.

"Thanks, I try…" she replied, "so Trevor told me that you've been catching up with friends today, how was that?"

He shrugged, "wasn't too bad, just had an impromptu meet up with my ex actually."

"What?" Trevor exclaimed "you met up with Eddie?" he rose an eyebrow. "Chris…"

Christian smiled sheepishly, "we just had a coffee, nothing serious, Trevor, calm down, I promise there was nothing weird about it."

Trevor was visibly irritated. "I hope you're not going to see him again after all that shit he pulled."

"It was good, actually," Christian replied, "I needed a little closure and I needed to forgive and all was fine, I feel lighter for it, if I'm honest."

"Ooh bad ex situation?" Olivia asked, trying to remove any shyness from her exterior so that she could give Trevor's cousin an idea of who she was and give Trevor the vibe that she could be carefree and fun.

"Not really bad-" Christian began.

"Oh bullshit," Trevor sighed with a roll of his eyes. "This guy, Eddie… he and Christian were together for two years, he came home one day, the guy fleeced his apartment, took lots of things that didn't belong to him, sold them, moved to Boston and only when Christian moved home after university to Pennsylvania did he have the balls to come back to New York and now he wants to say he's sorry…"

Christian rolled his eyes and took a mouthful of his drink. "I know but the heart wants what it wants and it was nice to get closure, cuz, I know you don't understand that, you're the cut off and shut down guy…"

Olivia glanced at Trevor and rose an eyebrow. "Oh, really? Didn't see you for that…"

He looked mildly irate.

"I'm a bit like Trevor," Olivia replied, realizing he felt a bit attacked. "I don't give people second chances to hurt me. Once someone says its over, that's it for me, I don't look back… I am the master of the silent treatment and someone coming back and asking forgiveness would just irritate me if I've let go."

"Wow… who hurt you guys!?" Christian laughed.

Olivia took the last mouthful of her drink and swirled the ice cube around in her mouth before crunching it. "I'll plead the 5th, I need another drink. You guys want another?"

"Sure, sign me up!" Christian grinned.

"I'm fine thanks," Trevor replied, giving her a little smile.

/

"Are you okay?" Trevor asked softly as they stood outside the restaurant waiting to get in. Christian had gone to make a phone call to his current partner.

"Yeah, a little buzzed but I'm totally fine, are you okay?" Olivia replied, reaching for his hips, holding on to them softly. He was surprised by the openness in which she displayed her affection for him.

He reciprocated and slid his arms around her shoulders and nodded. "I'm okay, but… if you want to leave at any time, we can go, okay? My cousin is young, he loves to party and shit-stir me, if it gets too much you just tell me."

"No, he's totally fine, he's cute in that little boy kinda way and you are cute in the kind of, I-want-to-have-sex-with-you kind of way," she said softly.

Trevor leaned in so close to her, bowing his head down to meet her upward gaze. "Don't say that or I'll take you home right now…"

She chuckled. "Can you kiss me?" she asked him, letting her eyes sweep over his lips briefly before meeting his beautiful eyes again.

"Can I?" a little smile danced across his lips. "Can I ever…" he let his lips graze along hers. Olivia let her eyes fall closed and relished the closeness.

"Do you like me, Trevor Langan?" she asked him, pulling away from his lips, smiling.

"Yes, very much so…" he replied honestly. "What about you, Dr. Benson, do you like me?"

She grinned at him and let her lips meet with his again. "Yes, Dr Langan, very much…" he could tell that she was a little tipsy. It was the easy of which allowed her to cling to him tightly, holding him the way she would hold someone who she held deep feelings for. "Do you mind that my cousin sees us kissing or… holding each other like this?" he asked her.

She giggled. "Not really, I can't help it… I can't keep my hands off you, you're too damn beautiful."

Trevor laughed, "Oooft Olivia, please don't say all this when you're drunk… I'll be worried you might sober up and feel different"

"If I say anything different when I'm sober its because I'm a loser who hates to be vulnerable," she chuckled.

He wrapped his arms around her and drew her closer. He saw Christian standing out on the kerb back and clock their embrace. He was smoking a cigarette and grinned at his cousin, pumping his fist in the air, happy for him. It was no secret how much Trevor liked Olivia. The first night in New York, Christian had heard him talk about her and she had dominated so much of their conversation.

Trevor felt his cheeks heating up and looked away from him. He enjoyed Olivia's embrace for a moment until they went inside, the waiter delivering them to their table, Christian vowing to catch up in a few moments.

/

"How are you for a drink?" Trevor asked, glancing at Olivia's empty water glass, "would you like something with alcohol or are you okay with water?" he wondered.

"Do you like margaritas?" she asked him, browsing the menu.

"I do," he agreed. "You want a jug?"

"Each?" she winked, nudging him. "Sure let's get a jug to share. Will your cousin drink some too?"

Trevor shrugged, "maybe? I'm sure between us we can figure it out."

They ordered a few starters as they waited for Christian to re-join them. "Trev, have you told Christian about me?" she wondered. He seemed to already know a little about her and she wondered how much Trevor had said.

"A little," he shrugged, keeping it low-key. He was relieved to see that Christian was back, he slid in to a chair across from them. "Hey, that seemed heated," Trevor remarked, replying to the phonecall.

"Yeah," he rolled his eyes, "you know what my Dad's like…"

Trevor just smiled faintly, always careful not to say something nasty about his aunt's ex-husband. He didn't want to insult Christian's father. "Well, you know what mine's like, so…"

"Asshole Dad's club, up high!" Christian joked raising his hand. They both slapped hands.

Olivia raised her hand too, "my Dad is kind of an asshole as well," she admitted. They both gave her a high five. "What'd yours do?" Trevor asked.

"Oh," she grinned, taking a sip of their recent arrival jug of margaritas. "You guys don't want to pull at that thread, trust me."

"Can't be as bad as mine, when I came out, he told me that I was the greatest disappointment of his life and that he still loves me but it's only because he has to."

"Ugh, what a fucking piece of shit," Olivia muttered but then paused, "sorry," she smiled sheepishly.

Trevor and Christian both laughed, "don't apologize, Liv, he really just is a fucking piece of shit... and Trevor's Dad… just couldn't give a shit about his only living kid."

She sensed Trevor was growing a little uncomfortable. Desperate for him to feel calmer she took another sip of her drink. "My father is a rapist," she blurted out, "I've never actually met him… but he certainly ruined my mother for any other prospective man…"

"Wait, wait…" Trevor interrupted, "Liv…" he murmured, connecting the dots. Even Christian's eyes had widened in surprise and a little awkwardness. "that's not funny…"

"I'm not laughing," she replied, raising an eyebrow at him. "if I was joking I'd be laughing."

Trevor was shocked by how she had blurted out what he would have considered to be personal information. It was either an indication of how comfortable she felt or how drunk she was. He wanted to ask her questions about it, but it was too personal to get in to in front of his cousin.

"Lighten up, Trev," she added, realizing his face was covered with concern. "We have shit Dads who have done shit things, I know what my father is, I'm not crying over it anymore."

"Cheers to that," Christian muttered.

Trevor reached for her hand under the table and gave it a squeeze. She ignored it despite appreciating the gesture.

"Anyway, what are we gonna eat? I need to eat to soak up some of this vodka," she joked, referring to the two vodkas she'd had back at the bar. She was starting to feel a little woozy.

"Oooh," Christian glanced down at the menu. "Goats cheese, spinach and onion tart…"

"Sounds good," Trevor remarked. "Get whatever you want, I'm paying tonight."

"No you're not," Christian replied without looking up in perfect unison with Olivia. They both registered their own words with a laugh. Christian lifted his hand to fist bump. Olivia obliged and Trevor shook his head, amused

"What are you talking about anyway, honey, you don't even like goats cheese?"

Ugh, honey, it had slipped out of her mouth with such ease that she had even noticed the surprise cross his face. She felt her cheeks flush.

"Its okay," he replied, "I don't mind it."

"Liar, you said it tastes like eating a cake of soap but one would have to wonder how you would even know how a cake of soap tastes."

He laughed. Olivia was doe-eyed and her smile was just a little crooked. He already knew the signs of her being drunk. She was almost entirely there. He couldn't help but to grin at how sweet she was, how beautiful she looked and how free she seemed to be with him.

"When I was little, I taught Thomas to say fuck and my Dad overheard and he marched my ass to the bathroom and told me that since I wanted to have a filthy mouth, he was going to wash it out with soap."

Olivia's eyes widened. She glanced at Christian who was staring at Trevor with a look of surprise and without knowing much, she figured it was because Trevor rarely spoke of his late brother. It seemed like an off-limits subject despite the fact that she had no problem asking him questions about Thomas.

"That's so… barbaric," she replied.

"Yeah, it was gross, but it was enough to stop me from doing it again," he shrugged.

"Did Thomas get the same treatment?" Olivia asked, not realizing that Christian saw it all as such taboo that she would ask a question about his brother with such ease.

Trevor didn't seem to mind at all – it was when Christian realized that his cousin was in love, that Olivia had the right to do whatever she wanted, that Trevor would oblige her no matter what. It showed their intimacy, the fact that they had obviously discussed the subject that was almost entirely off-limits.

Christian remembered trying to ask about Thomas when he was younger only to be shut down and told to never ask.

"No, I was older, I should have known better and honestly, Thomas was so cute, he could have gotten away with anything," he smiled. He glanced at his cousin. "Its okay, I'm not going to break down and cry like a baby if we mention him."

Christian sipped his drink and shrugged. "I didn't say anything… I'm just shutting the fuck up and minding my own business over here…"

She felt a little awkwardness in the air. "Anyway, can we order dinner? I am so hungry."

"Sure… what would you like?" Trevor asked, pushing a menu between them.

Olivia looked through, scanning the item, leaning in closer, smelling his cologne. She scooted in a little bit. Trevor looked up at his cousin he gave him a raised eyebrow. Trevor shot back a look as he lifted his arm and rested it over Olivia's shoulders. He could smell her hair again, taking him back to the bedroom earlier in the afternoon when he had buried his lips in her hair, and all over her face – and the rest of her.

He let out an inaudible sigh. The scent of her hair was almost too intoxicating, almost enough for him to have impure thoughts in the middle of the restaurant. Olivia didn't flinch when his hands gripped the flesh of her upper arm. He couldn't help himself, he let his fingers brush against her skin, ignoring his cousin, focusing on the menu.

Olivia felt goosebumps rise to the surface the way his fingers grazed back and forth over her arm. He was making her a little breathless with all his attentiveness.

"Steak. I need steak…." she announced.

"Me too!" Christian agreed.

They agreed on some starters and Trevor picked a smoked brisket burger and Olivia hoped that they'd get some bread or something soon. She had replaced her margarita for water just until she had something to eat.

"So Christian, tell me the dirt on Trevor… tell me the most embarrassing story that you have."

"Don't do it man…" Trevor warned him. "Don't do it, not if you want to sleep somewhere tonight."

Olivia started to laugh and nestled her head in to the crook of his arm, looking up at him with a big grin. "Oh come on, don't be a spoil-sport.

He glanced down, their faces were so close and all he wanted to do was kiss her. Instead he grinned back at her, not being able to resist her

"Oh my god," Christian remarked, "you both need a room… I can tell you the most embarrassing story right now," he told them as Olivia managed to peel her eyes from Trevor's feeling like liquid.

"Don't you dare…" Trevor warned him.

"Trevor used to live with my family and I growing up," he began, taking Olivia's full attention from him. "And when I was about 11, I remember Trev making this huge deal about this girl that he was in love with and my older sister who was a year older than him kept telling him that the girl was a bitch-"

"Oh come on, I was 17, I was thinking with my penis, I was a teenager…"

Olivia chuckled.

"Nooooo," Christian shook his head, "you were hook line and sinker for this girl," he turned to Olivia, "she was the popular girl and she made everyone's life hell… she somehow agreed to go out with this dork and even I knew it was too good to be true."

Trevor covered his face with his hand, propping himself up on his elbow. "Noooo…"

Olivia put an arm around him and rubbed his back with a laugh. "It's okay, it can't be that bad."

"No, it's pretty bad…" he chuckled, his cheeks reddening.

"So he sets up a date, he borrows my step dad's car, buys himself a suit with all of the money he'd saved from some shitty fast-food job he and my sister had. He bought this idiot these beautiful flowers and he was going to take her to a really fancy restaurant and when he turned up to her house to pick her up, half of the football team were there. They had water guns filled with this weird flour-water and sprayed the shit out of his new suit and this bitch stood there and laughed the whole time."

Olivia's jaw was on the table-top, fallen open. She felt a stab of hurt for Trevor, thinking about how awful he must have felt. There wasn't a part of her that found any of it funny. Her heart broke for him.

Trevor was chuckling but she knew he was embarrassed and she felt sorry for asking his stupid cousin to share a story with her. "That is actually not embarrassing, that is actually one of the most horrific things I've ever heard, you poor thing… what a piece of shit. Girls like me were scrappy enough to beat up girls like her and if I had of known younger Dr Trevor and known what she did I would have beat her ass…"

"Oh, don't worry, my sister did – with severely shit lung function," Christian beamed.

Olivia wrapped her arms around Trevor and gave him a squeeze. Trevor pulled his hands away from his face and smiled bashfully at Liv. He reciprocated her embrace and couldn't help himself, he kissed her forehead and Christian didn't bat an eyelid. "You're very sweet, teenage Olivia, but Christian is right, his sister, Johanna absolutely punched her lights out."

"The old, left, right, good night!" Christian added, motioning with a left and right hook. They all laughed.

"Good, I'm glad – let's look her up on social media and engage psychological warfare for the rest of her life."

"Olivia!" Trevor exclaimed, throwing his head back with a burst of laughter. "I never thought I'd never see an evil side of you…"

"I like it," Christian laughed, "she's got an edge, the most interesting woman you've introduced to me…" he glanced at Olivia, "No offense, it's not hard to be, there's only been one or two, this guy hates to introduce women to us."

"No," Trevor shook his head to correct him, "I don't hate introducing women to you guys, I only introduce people to you that I believe you might meet again," he shot back, "don't be a little wise-ass. Your sister may have administered a beat down on that girl from school, but don't forget who administered a beat down on you when you got a little big for your boots…"

They both laughed.

Olivia smiled and enjoyed their brotherly sniping. "Can I ask about your sister?" she asked Christian, looking to Trevor, "is that okay?"

"Sure," he smiled. "Johanna," he added, as if he genuinely wanted her to know her name.

Olivia sat up straight in her seat and felt Trevor's hand upon her thigh under the table. She knew it wasn't sleazy or weird, it was his constant show of affection and she welcomed it and she was currently bursting at the seams with feelings for him.

"Johanna… did she have Cystic Fibrosis?" Olivia asked gently.

"Yeah," Trevor answered. "She's the cousin I told you about. I lived with Christian and Johanna and my aunt when I was 14… it was a whole lot nicer to be there than at home."

"We gained another brother and we were so happy," Christian added. "We didn't see Trev and Tommy a lot when we were little because they lived so far and when Tommy got sick there was never a lot of time for much else besides his treatments."

Trevor nodded, agreeing. Olivia could sense still that it was hard for him to discuss his little brother. "So did you know your aunt and your cousins very well when you went there?" Liv pressed.

"No," Trevor shook his head, "Not really, my aunt came to visit one weekend after Thomas passed and saw the state of things, how much trouble I was getting in to and there was a lot of fighting and next thing I know, my Mom and Dad talked me through why it was a better idea if I went home with my aunt to live there."

Olivia glanced at Christian and noticed him staring at his menu as if he was intruding on a private conversation.

"Must have been a shitty time."

Trevor shrugged. "It was kind of a relief, actually," he told her with a smile, lifting his hand from her thigh and circling it around her shoulder. "I kind of got another little brother and Johanna and I became really close and we ganged up on this little squirt…"

Christian chuckled. "You guys weren't that bad, you used to let me tag along and when I realized I was gay, Johanna and Trevor both joined a LGBTQIA+ alliance at college so that they could support me, they were good siblings," he smiled at Trevor.

"Of course…" Trevor shrugged, "we wanted to support you and wanted to be sensitive to you because back then it wasn't as openly discussed and a lot more stigma."

"There's still stigma," Olivia replied with a shrug, "but you're right, the conversations are a little more open these days." She turned to Christian, "I don't use labels really, but if I was pressed, I'd identify with being bisexual."

"Really?" Christian rose an eyebrow and glanced at Trevor. "Have you had a long term same-sex relationship?" he wanted to know.

"Christian! That's private!"

"Nah, it's fine." Olivia shrugged. "I wouldn't say it was long term, but I've been in a relationship with a woman, yes…I dated girls in college and I have had one boyfriend that was probably more long-term."

"Cool! I like men, not interested in women and I'm okay to label it but I think everyone has to do what they feel comfortable with."

"I'm one of those annoying people who say they fall in love with the person, not the gender," Olivia cracked a smile. Christian beamed back at her. He really liked Olivia and she was very different to any other woman that Trevor had been with.

Their dinner arrived and Olivia was so happy to see the starters. She impolitely began helping herself but nobody minded. Remembering herself as she took the first bite of cheesy bread, she stopped, "I'm so sorry, that was so rude!"

"Don't be silly," Trevor smiled, "you haven't eaten today, I'm sure…"

"I can't remember when I ate last, truthfully..."

"Okay, so take it easy…" he reminded her, "you'll give yourself indigestion."

The waitress returned with some mac & cheese bites, some chicken wings and their main meals. Trevor poured her a fresh margarita and one for his cousin and himself as they got in to their food.

Olivia heeded Trevor's reminded and ate slowly, knowing her stomach would have felt a little bloated a lot quicker than usual after having not eaten since dinner the night before.

"So Trevor told me there was a bit of a shitty situation at work last night…" Christian decided to bring it up, he wasn't sure where either of them were at emotionally, but his cousin's messages didn't really match with the mood of the evening.

"Yeah…" Olivia replied without looking up. "It wasn't a good time."

"We lost my favourite patient," Trevor told him. "It was a long time coming but it doesn't stop it from hurting," he shrugged.

"I don't know how you guys do it, when I see patients, its literally to run them to the hospital and then it's on to the next. Having a personal connection would be far too much for me."

"I don't know how I do it either," Olivia replied, "I'm still not sold on it."

Christian looked between Trevor and Olivia and shrugged. "I don't know, from what Trevor tells me, you're incredibly good at your job and you're as dedicated as he is."

Olivia just smiled, glancing at Trevor briefly. He just smiled. She took a long sip of her drink, washing down some steak.

They chatted a bit about Christian's job and his foray in to medicine. When the jug of margaritas was done, Olivia went back to her vodka and lime.

"So, what are you guys doing after this?" Christian asked, "are we gonna go to a club or?"

"No clubs, Christian, we're too old." Trevor told him with a laugh.

"No clubs?" Olivia asked, "speak for yourself, Trevor, I'm significantly younger and cooler than you," she joked.

"Two years is not significantly younger, sweetheart," he challenged her. "Do you really want to go to a sweaty place with music so loud that you can't think and people rubbing all over you?" he asked her, making a face.

"What about if we go to a more of a relaxed bar?" Christian asked, "where you can dance if you choose to?"

Olivia glanced at Trevor and he could tell that there was a little part of her that wanted to hang out more. He shrugged, "I guess if that's what you both want to do…"

"Excellent…" Christian exclaimed.

/

Trevor winced as he found a place to sit for Olivia who complained of her feet hurting. The music was loud and Christian had already made a beeline to the bar – Olivia had joined him. If he was honest, a bar wasn't really a place where he wanted to be. He wanted to be at home with Olivia, hanging out in private. He could tell that she still had the stress of the past twenty four hours on her shoulders. He wanted to do just about anything to make her feel better and if drinking it away was going to help her, he was going along with it. He could at least monitor her alcohol intake and take care of her if she got too drunk.

"Oh brother…" he muttered, watching his cousin and Olivia at the bar. He watched Olivia throw her head back and then his cousin did the same, sharing a shot."Hi there, is this seat taken?" It was a young woman around half of his age showing him a huge wide-mouthed smile. "You look a little lonely," she added.

"Uh…" Trevor smiled, "actually, yeah… my uh… my friends are just at the bar."

"Just friends? No girlfriend?" before he could say much else the young blonde took a few steps toward him and placed her drink down on the table, leaning over it. Trevor glanced away from her cleavage.

"Uh..." he looked behind her, trying to see Olivia and Christian but they were nowhere to be seen. "Well-"

Suddenly he felt a pair of hands on him. He turned to his side to find Olivia. He felt a flood of relief hit him as she slid her arms around his shoulders, taking a step closer, leaning over his body, pressing her cheek against his with a content smile as she closed her eyes. Trevor reached up, leaning in to her, placing his hand upon her arm. "Good shot?" he teased, his attention briefly leaving the girl before him.

"Oh, right..." the girl said as Christian arrived with a couple of drinks. "Sorry, I didn't realize."

"Yeah, it's okay, but I'm his girl..." Olivia replied, giving the young woman a little smile. Her words sent his stomach in to flip-flops.

"You are?" he asked softly as the woman walked away. She planted a kiss on his cheek again.

"For tonight at least..." she murmured against his ear so that Christian couldn't hear over the noise.

He pulled away slightly and glanced at her, troubled by her words. "Wait, what does that mean?" there was a part of him that felt a little hurt. Used, even.

She let go of him and picked up her drink and took a very long mouthful. He wanted to pull it away and tell her to ease off, but he was more interested in finding out what was behind her words. Olivia put down the drink and he knew she was wasted.

She smiled at him. "Don't be upset... you'll want to forget all about me in the morning..." she replied with a half-smile. There was sadness behind her comment and he immediately wanted to get to the bottom of it.

"Liv..."

She had already turned to Christian. "I'm gonna go dance..." she slammed down the rest of her drink and waved at them, finding her way to the pathetic dance floor on the other side of the bar.

Christian glanced at his cousin and could tell immediately he was upset. He hated to see Trevor upset. They had been through so much – as good as brothers and despite the almost ten year age difference, they were close and he knew his cousin better than anyone. "That's your girl, Trev, you better go with her or she will be someone else's girl."

Trevor took a big, deep swig of his beer and cursed. "What the fuck is wrong with me?" he asked with frustration. "Do I just scream, 'not worthy'?" he asked.

"Don't," Christian shook his head. "She's amazing, but she is also going to be hardwork, even I can see that. It's up to you, are you gonna put in the hard work?"

"Maybe..." he replied watching her disappear in to the crowd. He took another mouthful of beer. "I'm not sober enough for this..."

Christian gave him a smile and handed him a rum and coke. "We can swap... just … tell her how you feel."

"We had sex this afternoon..." Trevor blurted out, "and she's been in to me ever since and I am fucking in love with her, what's wrong with me?"

Christian rose an eyebrow. "You what? How does that happen from a hellish night at work?"

"Let's not talk about it right now, I need to go and make sure she's okay. She's pretty trashed already."

"She loves a drink, that's obvious." Christian agreed, "you go, I'll sit here and wait for you guys and guard drinks."

/

"What are you doing?" Trevor yelled over the music at Olivia who stood off to the side of the dance floor with her eyes closed. He took her arms in his hands causing her to jump out of her skin, her eyes flying open. She jumped back, almost bumping in to someone. He quickly broke her fall, the person behind her seemed irritated. "Sorry," he called out to them in apology. He glanced back at Olivia, "Liv, you okay?"

She nodded but still seemed a little startled.

She steeled herself and smiled, drawing him near. "Olivia," he spoke in to her ear as she wrapped her arms around him, swaying slowly to music that only she could hear – the music he could hear was just a thudding of the bass to dance track that made him wince. "maybe you should come sit down with us..."

"I'm completing exposure therapy!" she shouted at him.

"What?" he asked, puzzled.

"Exposure therapy! Exposing myself to trauma so it can kindly fuck off forever!"

He was confused. "How?" he wondered. He knew a little about it. Desensitising one's trauma to a situation or a circumstance by continuing to expose themselves to it.

"This dance floor, the music... all I'm missing is the oxy."

"I don't think this is a good idea, I think you should come and sit down with me and we can talk," he replied, still not understanding. He took her hand and she let him drag her away, the music making her heart palpitate with every beat.

"I need another drink..." she told him as they passed the bar.

"You can have my beer," he replied to her as he tried to get past it before she could deviate toward it.

He motioned for her to sit down on a stool and pulled one up close and exchanged looks with Christian. "What are you both looking so worried for?"

"We're not..." Christian replied.

"Bullshit," Olivia replied with a little smile. She picked up Trevor's beer and started drinking.

"So, you hate to drink," Trevor's cousin joked.

Olivia laughed. "Just gotta get rid of the pain somehow," she joked, raising her glass in a mock-cheers.

"Shit, that's dark..." he replied, "but I hear you."

"I'm going for a cigarette, I'll be right back..." Christian told them, sensing they needed a minute to talk.

Trevor inched over to Olivia. "Liv, please talk to me... I'm really confused with what's going on here..." he said softly, taking her hand.

"You..." she pointed in to his chest, slurring slightly, "you, my friend, are going to be up for a whole world of disappoinment when you know me better."

He gently pulled the almost-empty beer bottle from her hands and placed it on the tabletop. "Liv, I doubt that very much..." he let his voice trail off.

She glanced at their hands, interlaced and felt the tears itching her eyes. "You will..." she said in a whisper.

"Talk to me," he commanded softly, "tell me, stop drinking your feelings down and tell me what you feel..."

She shook her head. "The last time I came to a bar like this was after he assaulted me. I got really drunk and took a couple of doses of oxy and I barely remember what happened."

Trevor felt winded by her admission. It became immediately clear what she was talking about when she said she was trying to expose herself to past trauma. He said nothing, he just tightened his grip on her hand.

"I woke up in a stranger's bed without my clothes... I don't even-" she paused, cutting herself off. "I'm sorry..."

"Did I do the wrong thing by sleeping with you, Liv? Did I make things worse?" he wanted to know because he couldn't help but to wonder if he had taken advantage of her.

"No," she replied quickly, looking up at him. "I love you," she blurted out.

"What?" he asked, "really? You love me? Like, you're in love with me?" it didn't go unnoticed, the way his face lit up, a smile spread, stifled upon his crooked lips. It was full of hope.

"I'm gonna hurt you," she blurted out, not answering his question. "I'm gonna hurt you and I don't want to do that..."

"You won't hurt me, Olivia, you won't..."

"Trust me, I will. We should just keep tonight. Tomorrow you'll wake up and you'll think today was just a bunch of bad, drunken decisions after a day of grief."

"No..." he murmured, "maybe that's how you will feel, but that's not how I'm going to feel."

She tossed her curls out of her face. "I need another drink," she sighed.

"Olivia, I don't want to wake up tomorrow and forget about today. I want to wake up tomorrow with you in my arms and I want to kiss you good morning and plan my day with you. I won't let you hurt me, I want you to communicate with me, talk to me, trust me, please."

"I do trust you," she murmured, "you're the only person I trust and I am so scared of fucking that up."

"You won't," he added.

"Please, please just let me forget last night, it was the worst night of my life..." suddenly she laughed sardonically. "Well, not really... the worst night of my life was when Franklin raped me, but last night is a close second."

Trevor felt deeply sad. "Olivia, I'll take you toget another drink from the bar, but I want you to promise that you won't forget this in the morning... that you won't forget me and my feelings for you... or that you just told me you loved me."

She slowly stood up, surprising him, she took a seat on his thighs and took his face in her hands. Her lips pressed against his. He could taste the spirits on her lips as she prompted his mouth open, tasting his tongue. He wrapped his arms around her too, circling her waist, holding her tightly so that she could feel his need within her embrace.

She pulled away and looked in to his eyes. He reached up and caressed the frame of her hairline. "I like you so much..." he murmured softly.

"Me too..." despite her inebriation, Olivia felt his words within her. She knew he meant it which made it hurt so much. "Can we get that drink?"

"Sure..." he agreed.

/

"Will you just dance with me?" Olivia asked softly when they stood at the bar, finishing their drinks. "I know you said you don't dance but..."

"Liv," he smiled, finishing his scotch, "I would probably do just about anything you asked me, haven't you figured that out yet?"

She smiled warmly at him. She leaned in to him, letting an arm circle his waist affectionately. She felt his lips against her temple. "Liv, I want you to know that I feel the same about you... the same as you feel for me..." he told her, finding his bravery.

"Don't say that..." she replied. "You don't even know what you're saying."

"I do," he said firmly, grabbing her hand. "I know exactly what I'm saying, Olivia, I'm a grown man."

"Can we just dance?" she asked, "I don't want to talk anymore..."

Trevor sighed and let her drag him to the dancefloor. "I'm here, Liv," he said softly in to her ear. "Trust me and trust yourself with me..." He felt her cling to him just that little bit harder. They didn't really dance, they stood in the middle of the floor in an embrace, swaying slightly. He felt for her, he wanted to extinguish all of the sadness that seemed to encumber her.

"Liv let's go back to my place," he suggested, "we can drink at home in the safety and comfort of my apartment."

"I don't want to ruin your cousin's night."

Trevor smiled. "I think he's had enough, he's just outside smoking and texting, he would be just as happy to join us."

The strobe lights of the cheap bar was setting off her vision issues and flashing her back to that one night after her assault more than she wanted to admit and the alcohol was starting to make her feel a little woozy. "OK," she agreed.

Trevor felt relief flood him. He took her hand and pulled his phone out of his pocket to text his cousin. Christian agreed the vibe was off and decided it was time to call it a night.

/

"Whisky shot?" Christian offered Olivia, picking up the bottle.

"Only if Trevor does one too," Olivia replied.

"I don't know... I kind of like to sip whisky," Trevor answered.

"Come onnnnn..." Olivia tugged on his arm beside him on the couch. "Can you let your hair down, please, just this once..."

He sighed. "Yeah, okay... just one and I really don't think you guys need to be doing any more shots, you're both really fucking loaded."

"You need to just relax a little," she shot back, "so what? You don't have anything to do tomorrow..."

He found it slightly problematic that Olivia had a pattern of drinking away all of her stresses and traumas. He barely even had to wonder how often she drank at home on her own.

"Trevor doesn't know how to relax. He's constantly in caregiver mode," Christian added.

"Yeah well, someone has to be the voice of reason when you both get a little too crazy," he replied, watching his cousin return from the kitchen with a shot glass and three tumblers. He poured out three even shots and pushed the glasses in front of Trevor and Olivia.

"Are we just doing it in our own time or on three?" Liv asked.

"Three, or else if left to his own time, Trevor will be sipping the shot for an hour."

"Ha-ha very funny," Trevor replied, rolling his eyes without humour. He picked up the glass. "Three!" he said, not bothering with 1 and 2 and swallowed the shot before either of them had the chance to lift their tumblers.

Olivia grinned at him and picked up hers and swallowed the mouthful leaving Christian to catch up. Trevor couldn't help but to chuckle at the soured expression that filled her face after swallowing.

"Bit too much for you, sweetheart?" Trevor asked, nudging Olivia with a little smirk. He reached for the whisky and poured himself a proper glass and offered one for Olivia and his cousin.

Olivia held her glass out and and Trevor poured another for Christian.

"So..." Olivia began, "tell me about your sister, Christian, she sounded like a-"

"I don't think that's a good-" Trevor began, understanding that sometimes losing a sibling was incredibly hard to discuss.

"No, its cool... not all of us have devolved from speaking about their dead sibling," Christian couldn't help but to remark. He felt it was a disservice to Thomas that Trevor barely uttered his name.

Trevor decided not to bite back, but he felt Olivia's hand on his knee as if a silent support that she didn't like his remark either.

"My sister was fire," he replied, to Olivia, ignoring Trevor. "She was funny and so, so smart. She wanted to study medicine but she was told it was a bad idea because of her cystic fibrosis and it was too easy for her to get sick so she studied law instead and she and Trevor went to college together when I was about 13. They even shared an apartment because it was the only way my parents would let her move out on her own, if someone was looking out for her."

"You guys were close too?" Liv asked Trevor.

He nodded. "Yeah, best friends..." he replied looking in to his glass. It always struck him as a little nasty stroke of irony that he lost a sibling, gained another and then lost a second one. Johanna had been more than a sister to him, the worse her health became the more reliant she became on him because she so desperately didn't want to be looked after by either of her constantly bickering parents.

"I didn't have that," Christian replied. "I was too young. This is why I like to talk about her," he added, glancing at Trevor, "I don't know what she was like to have really as sister that I could bond with, not like you did, Trev, you got her as your sister and got to be so close to her that she told you everything, shared everything with you and you got to be with her right til the end..."

It occurred to Trevor that Christian's inebriation had given him the courage to say what he would never have said sober. Perhaps it was Olivia's presence that helped too, she had the type of charisma and charm that people liked to admit things to her – it was probably just her psychology training.

"I didn't know you felt like that," Trevor replied evenly, "I'm sorry..."

"I guess grief does things to people's heart and everyone deals with it in a different way. For me, it depends on the person who I've lost as to whether or not I talk about them openly and how deep the pain is... you guys obviously deal with it in opposite ways," Olivia replied sensibly for someone as drunk as she was.

She had a point though, Trevor knew.

"I wasn't allowed to talk about Thomas," Trevor admitted, "and I dunno... it makes me feel guilty still to bring him up, it's not that I don't think his life wasn't worth celebrating and maybe there's a little residual guilt that eats at me about Johanna..."

"Why?" Christian asked, "you didn't give her CF."

Olivia listened, observing a tender moment between the two of them which probably would never have happened had they not both been a little drunk.

"I know but..." Trevor stared in to his drink and shrugged. "I couldn't protect her. If she'd given me a few more years even, I could have found lungs for her, I could have pushed the board... I can't help the way I feel about it."

"Do you know how I feel about it?" Christian asked, glancing at the man that he grew up looking up to but also being somewhat envious of.

"How?" Trevor asked.

"I feel cheated that my sister didn't come to me. That the only fun times I can remember with her was when she found out I was gay and teased me about boys I had crushes on, looking at teen magazines together and finding out that we both had the same taste in men," he managed a small smile, "but I feel like you got the best of her and I don't blame you, if she and I were closer in age it would have been fine... but I also got cheated out of a cousin who was almost my age too and you weren't at home anymore but Mom changed too... maybe not like your parents did, but she gave less of a shit about me because her daughter was gone."

"Sometimes grief can make a person become hyperfocused on the loss, forgetting other responsibilities..." Olivia chimed in.

"Don't do that therapy shit, Liv, you know I hate it..." Trevor rolled his eyes.

"It's the truth," she snapped, glaring at him. "I know enough about grief and trauma to last me a fucking lifetime, Trevor, don't go there."

"Grief?" he rose an eyebrow.

She laughed to relieve some tension before shaking her head, irritated. She got up, both men watched her head to the kitchen. "Do you have anything to snack on?" she asked, rifling through his cupboards with familiarity.

It was almost enough to make Trevor smile. He turned to Christian. "I'm sorry that you feel that way and I wasn't aware... but I hope you never feel like your sister didn't give a shit about you, because she did. She worried for you all the time and she talked about you often too... It wasn't your Mom she called twice a week, was it? It was you..."

Christian nodded and gave Trevor his best smile. "I think we're lucky to have one another, but maybe we should try to talk about them more."

"You're right... we should," Trevor agreed but he knew doing it was harder than it seemed.

Olivia came back with a packet of crackers, some plain salted doritos, beer nuts, potato chips and a beer.

"Liv!" Trevor exclaimed, "you have topshelf whisky in that glass!"

"Beer chaser," she replied as if it were normal to have two-drinks on the go. She was struggling to hold the chips and other snacks. Trevor put his glass down and allowed her to release the chips from beneath her chin. He shook his head and laughed at her.

"Do you have any dip?" she asked looked at all of her findings spread across the coffee table.

"No, I'm sorry..." he replied. "you basically raided all of my treats, this is all I have."

"Don't worry Olivia, I can make you some dip. Trevor had some cream cheese and some ranch sauce, I'll make you something."

"Wait, why do I feel like this is becoming a party house?" he asked but he had a big smile and Olivia knew that he didn't mind at all. In fact, she figured that he enjoyed entertaining them.

"Really? You can make dip? That's great, I'll wait..." she replied despite opening the bag of doritos and helping herself.

"Beer tax..." Christian announced, swiping the beer that Olivia had just put down as he headed to the kitchen to throw something together for her.

"Hey!" she protested, "there's more in the fridge, you don't have to take mine!"

"Yes I do," Christian replied, "it'll be tastier and its the rules."

Trevor chuckled and turned his attention to Olivia who made a face as she plopped a corn chip in to her mouth. He reached for one, helping himself.

"What?" she asked, catching his eyes, watching him stare at her, his eyes sweeping over her face.

"Nothing..." he shrugged, shaking his head, "just admiring you, you are very drunk but very, very cute."

Olivia couldn't help but to grin at his charm. She leaned back against the back of the couch and glanced down at his hand that he had laid out, open-palm facing the ceiling, motioning for her to touch his hand. He felt her grab it, entwining her fingers through his. He lifted her hand and kissed it.

"I didn't like it when that stupid little blonde came to ask if she could give you a blow job earlier..." she admitted quietly.

Trevor started to laugh. "She was not..."

"She definitely was... trust me, I know women better than you do. She saw you and thought, hot, professional, probably got a lot of money, may be looking for a sugar baby."

Trevor laughed again. "I wasn't interested anyway, I only have eyes for one woman and she's not blonde."

"Yeah?" she challenged him.

He nodded, leaning in toward her, closing the distance between them. "She's incredibly beautiful and an amazing person and I just adore the shit out of her..." he added, his lips grazing hers. He pouted them slightly until Olivia pushed her mouth against his. He made her heartbeat quicken and her brain a little woozy when he looked at her with his beautiful eyes.

She loved him but no one had ever scared her more than Trevor. The feelings were too big to process, she had too much to lose and was afraid that another loss would be too much. She found herself pulling away from him slowly, trying hard not to feel magnetised but each time she tried, his touch, his eyes – the way he held her and spoke to her, it set her back to default mode which made her fall for him again.

"Don't be nice to me Trevor..." she said softly, "I don't want to hurt you."

"So don't..." his voice trailed off. "Just... be with me, it's easy."

"No it's not..." she replied, "its complicated and I like you too much to watch you walk out of my life because I fucked up."

"Stop it," he protested, "have some faith in yourself, in me."

She ignored him and leaned forward, letting go of his hand and sinking the rest of her whisky. "Beer tax..." she muttered, "what a douche, I'm taking whisky tax..." she replied, picking up the half-drank whisky glass from the coffee table that belonged to Christian and drank it too.

"Hey, Liv... go easy..." Trevor commanded her gently.

She sat back and stuffed her had back in to the doritos feeling incredibly frustrated with herself.

"Here you go, princess..." Christian reappeared, placing a bowl of dip in front of her. "your dip... hey! You drank my whisky!"

"Tax!" Olivia retorted.

Christian laughed and poured himself a new one. He sat back down and grabbed a handful of beer nuts. "So I told you about my sister, do you have any siblings?" he asked her, piquing Trevor's interest. Trevor remembered something about Olivia having a brother and knew her mother had passed but he had better sense than to bring up a fatherly presence, expecting that she didn't know her Dad or that it was a tough subject.

"I have … had a brother," she told him, "I met him when I was 29 and then he put me in a shitty situation with work and we reconciled five years ago and then he killed himself," she shrugged. "And my Mom died when I was 25 after taking a tumble down the stairs," she added, "she was a fall-down drunk and had been going upstairs to bed, you wouldn't even read about it, talk about bad luck..."

Trevor felt winded, he didn't realize she had so much loss and felt guilty for making a cruel remark earlier.

"I'm sorry," Christian murmured, "that must be rough."

Olivia shrugged, "my mother and I had a strained relationship at best," she responded, "and my brother... you can't really grieve something you didn't really have."

Trevor disagreed but he knew he would talk to her more about that in private.

"What about your father? Is your father in the picture?" Christian pushed more gently.

"No, never met the piece of shit, but I do know that he's dead too and I'm glad. He was a rapist, so one less piece of shit in the world as far as I'm concerned."

Surely not, Trevor thought, connecting the dots. He felt troubled and decided that it wasn't really a conversation that should have been had in front of his cousin.

"Wow Liv, that's awful," Trevor heard the words fall from his mouth, "I'm so sorry, I didn't know that."

"I'm usually not quick to offer it when I'm sober," she replied, taking another sip, "but don't worry about me, I'm fiiiine, I turned out okay, didn't I?" she grinned at him, but he knew there was something sad beneath it – like most of the facade that she'd carefully curated for herself professionally. She registered both of their dumbstruck expressions. "Lighten up, guys, its fine."

"Still, you dont have any other family?"

"No, not that I'm aware of," she replied with a shrug.

Christian noticed Trevor looking very serious and realized that he didn't know any of the information that Olivia had just shared either.

Olivia ignored them as she put down the doritos and helped herself to another drink of whisky. "Let's play never-have-I-ever..." she suggested, dusting her hands off on to her jeans.

"Oooh what a fast way for you and Trevor to get to figure out whether or not you want to be a couple or whether or not you want to just smash!" Christian teased.

"Oh fuck off, Christian, don't make me put you on the balcony..."

Olivia laughed, glancing at Trevor. She didn't care about his cousin's jokes, she knew he was teasing to take away some of the awkwardness. "Don't be stupid, I love this guy, I just know I'm too much for him to handle..." without allowing either of them to say another word, she continued, "ok I'll go first, oh and if you say never you need to take a drink."

"Oh brother..." Trevor muttered.

"Never-have-I ever... made out with a man AND a woman."

"Never..." Trevor replied, "just a woman and you know that, so I don't think that's entirely fair," he took a drink anyway. "my turn. Never-have-I-ever … had sex in a public place."

"Never..." Olivia replied with smugness. Trevor rose an eyebrow. "I thought you'd be a little more adventurous Olivia," he remarked with a laugh.

"Well shit, I've never either..." Christian laughed, "I am shocked that you're not as uptight as I thought," he teased his cousin.

Olivia laughed, "I'm surprised too, if I'm honest." Both she and Christian drank.

"What can I say, when you get married and you don't really like the person very much, you do anything to try to start liking them again to salvage things."

"Yeah... I don't think anyone liked her..." Christian laughed, "you should have met her Olivia, you would have hated her too... I know if my sister was around, Trevor would have never married her."

"She wasn't entirely awful, give me some credit," Trevor shot back, "but yeah, probably I would have trusted Jo's very strong opinion if she'd been around, but I don't want to talk shit about my ex-wife. We're still on good terms."

"Wait, you still speak to your ex-wife?" Olivia was curious.

"Well... not actively, but every now and then we'll send an email to say hello and I'll ask how her kids and her husband is, its just nice, we had a life together once albeit short but it meant something."

"Hmmm, you really are a sentimental fellow," she smiled.

"Blahblahblah," Christian rolled his eyes, "its my turn, never-have-I-ever faked an orgasm?"

"Wait, what?!" Trevor exclaimed, "you're an idiot, how do you fake an orgasm?"

"Well, it's pretty easy, actually-" Olivia remarked, immediately Trevor's eyes darted to her quizzically and she smiled at him. "Oh, don't be sensitive Trevor, I didn't fake it with you..." she clapped her hand over her mouth, forgetting their company. She let out a peel of laughter.

It set Christian off too. "You think I can't tell you both haven't boned?!" he laughed. Trevor felt his cheeks flushing, thankful that his cousin at least had the good sense not to tell her that he'd admitted it foolishly earlier. "Neither of you are subtle, look at yourselves... sitting close, thinking I can't see you kissing on the couch, whispering sweet nothings..."

Olivia wasn't sure why, but she found it all so hysterical. She couldn't control her laughter and Trevor knew that she had hit a new type of drunk. He couldn't help but to laugh with her. He was pretty drunk too. She held her sides and complained of how much it hurt.

"Wait, you guys didn't answer my question!" Trevor insisted between his own fits of laughter at Olivia, "how do you fake an orgasm?"

"I was being stupid, that's not my question, never-have-I-ever used sex to get out of an argument or something I didn't want to talk about."

Suddenly Olivia's laughter halted and stared at Christian trying to determine what exactly he knew and how much Trevor had told him about the things she'd said in confidence. She glared at Trevor. "Are you fucking serious?" she asked him, "thanks a lot..." she picked up her drink and finished it in one gulp.

"What?" Trevor asked, a half smile hanging from his lips, he thought she was joking.

"My cue to leave," Olivia replied. "Nice to meet you Christian."

"Olivia, wait, what's going on?" Trevor asked, jumping up too. He followed her to the door. She stumbled out, without her purse, her keys or even her phone. He wasn't sure where she had planned on going, she could barely walk in a straight line.

Olivia felt unsteady and immediately sick. Her legs were heavy and she could barely think clearly. She could feel the heat in her cheeks and the stinging of tears behind her eyes. She wasn't sure if it was the alcohol or the implication of Christian's question that made her want to vomit.

She knew Trevor was right behind her but she ignored him, his calls of her name were simply white noise anyway. Everything sounded like white noise, including the uneven clip-clopping of her heels.

She reached the stairs and felt Trevor's hands on her arms, grabbing her. "Don't fucking touch me!" she snarled at him, jerking her arms out of his grip, losing balance.

"Liv!" he cried out as she fell forward. He grabbed her again, just quick enough to break her fall. He pulled her toward him. "Fuck, Liv..."

"Don't do me any favors!" she pushed him away, grabbing the stair rail as she slowly took the stairs at a snail pace down.

"Olivia, I literally don't have any idea what happened back there, why don't you just tell me and stop fucking running away!" he took the stairs beside her. "Where do you think you're going without your purse and keys?" he asked.

She stopped, feeling the tears begin to well up upon the realization that he had a point. She had nowhere to go, no one to go home to, no reason why she should have been angry if he had chosen to confide in his cousin about her.

She took a seat on the step and buried her face in her hands, letting herself cry, caring less about him seeing her than she normally would have.

Trevor sat too. "Liv, please... what happened? Was it something Christian said? Cos if so, he's just being silly, he would never want to hurt your feelings."

She shrugged away his arm around her back. "I think … I think you're drunk..." he told her gently. "I'm drunk too, Olivia, but you're very drunk."

"I'm drunk..." she repeated in confirmation in her tearful voice.

"Its okay, we've had a fun night, right?" he asked, taking her hand. She lifted her head and looked at him, wiping her eyes.

She nodded. "I had fun, yeah... I think it just .. bothered me that you told your cousin about my tendency to avoid serious conversations by having sex."

Trevor rose an eyebrow. "I did not tell Christian anything personal that you have told me, I would never, Olivia, that was pure coincidence."

"Promise?" she asked in a whisper as a few more tears slid down her cheeks. She wiped them with the back of her hands.

"I swear." he replied. He reached over and tucked a lock of hair behind her ear and continued to stroke her hair in the way that he did that always seemed to comfort her. "Liv, I don't think you need to be drinking this heavily, it's not good for you."

"I can't handle dealing with me when I'm sober..." she admitted. "Everything is just so..." she sought out the right word, "fucked..."

"Liv, what is? What's fucked?"

"My life... I realized in there, with you guys talking about growing up with siblings and even though you've both suffered so much loss, you still have each other and me, I've got no one, I've got no one and I've got this fucking trauma, and I lost the only thing that I spent my life working toward because of someone else and I hurt people, even if I don't want to, I do... and I've met you now and I just know if anything else happens I'll fuck that up too."

"You think you've lost your career, Liv?" he asked, he made sure his tone was soft, not demanding answers.

"I'm not working as a surgeon am I?" she asked, sniffing, wiping her face.

"You can, Liv, he doesn't get to win, you can still do anything you want, fuck that guy..." he paused, "and as for me, let me decide what risks I want to take with you."

"You say that now, but I said it earlier, Trevor, tomorrow you're going to want to forget me, I already know that, so whatever part of yourself you allow me, I'm trying to relish while I can, before it's over..."

"Olivia, come on, I think you should come back upstairs, come inside and we can go to bed and talk tomorrow when you're sober. When both of us are sober."

"No," she shook her head. "I won't want to walk about it tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll want to die of shame."

"I won't let you," he replied. He got to his feet. "Dr Benson, if you don't get up now, I'm going to pick you up and toss you over my shoulder like I'm a fireman... who knows whats happened on these stairs..." he smiled and reached for her hand.

She let him pull her to her feet. She took a step up first back toward his apartment. "Olivia?"

She turned to face him, almost at eye-to-eye with his 6'5ft frame standing on the higher step. She eyed him expectantly. "Come here," he slowly slid his arms around her. Olivia reciprocated and allowed him to envelope her in his embrace. "You haven't lost your career," he said again, "we are going to do everything we can to get you where you need to be, I promise."

"Thanks..." she sniffed.

Trevor let go of her and took her hand, walking her carefully back upstairs to his apartment.

/

Olivia was glad that Christian had all but made himself scarce. He said goodnight and gave Olivia a kiss on the cheek and went to his room.

Trevor got her a bottle of sparkling water and an ice-filled glass and implored her to drink. Sensing his sadness with whatever was going on with her, Olivia drank up and waited for him to pour her another.

She was starting feel nauseous and stupid for everything that had gone on. "Let me know when you're ready for bed..." he pressed gently.

"I'm ready," she murmured. She had already finished the bottle. Trevor went to grab another for them each.

"Are you okay to share my bed?" he asked softly.

"Yeah of course..." she nodded.

"Okay come on..." he helped her to her unsteady feet. Trevor slowly undressed to his jocks and turned his back, allowing Olivia some privacy after they'd brushed their teeth in silence. He turned on his lamp and turned off the overhead light.

He felt her weight on the bed and turned, shocked to find her laying her in her underwear, topless. "Liv..." he chuckled, "do you need to a shirt?"

"No?" she questioned, "not unless you need me to put one on..." her voice trailed off, seeming a little confused.

"No, its fine... as long as you're comfortable."

Olivia laid her head down and immediately sat back up. "Nope!" she announced.

"Nope, what?" Trevor questioned her, sitting up too.

"No, the room is spinning when I put my head down, if I lay down I'll vomit," she told him. She felt the tears spilling over. "Oh no, why did I do this?"

"Baby," he said softly, "why don't I get you a bucket or something to vomit in?"

"I don't want to vomit," she cried. Trevor couldn't help but to smile.

"I know you don't, nobody wants to vomit, maybe you should just get it out of your sys-" she clapped her hand over her mouth and got up, shirtless half-naked and ran for the bathroom. Trevor got up and went after her, taking the first tank he found on the pile of clean clothes on his dresser. He followed her and was thankful that his cousin's door was closed. He closed the bathroom door behind him as Olivia sank to her knees and began to bring up the contents of all the alcohol she had consumed through the night.

He held back her hair, telling her it was alright, that she would be fine. Once she was done, he handed her the tank and watched her slip it over her head. If it was another situation he would have admired her looking so beautiful in his clothes.

Trevor helped her to her feet. "I'm so sorry..." she apologised as guided her to the sink. She rinsed her face.

"Don't be sorry, its okay..." he stroked her hair. When she stood up straight, he kissed the crown of her head. She glanced at him in the mirror behind her. "You are too good for me," she murmured, wiping her tear-stains.

"Stop that," he replied, not having time for her bad self-talk. "Come on, go back to bed, I'll get you something so if you need to vomit again, you can..." she turned to him, surprising him, linking her arms around his waist and burying her face in his chest. Trevor reciprocated the embrace.

"You're okay, Liv..." he told her, wrapping her up tightly. "tomorrow you'll feel much better."

He guided her back to bed and got a bucket for her. He turned the light off and left a lamp on for her. "Here..." he held up the small empty make-shift vomit bucket. "if you feel like barfing in the middle of the night, I'm putting this by your bed."

"Thanks..." she murmured. "Oh no!" she jumped back up. Her eyes widened, staring at him in shock.

"What is it?" he asked, wondering if she was about to vomit again. He held the bucket up.

"I didn't brush my teeth..." she told him. He could barely believe it, she began to cry again. "I don't have my toothbrush."

"Olivia, it's okay," he murmured.

"No! I have to brush my teeth," she insisted, "you won't make out with me if I don't brush my teeth."

He couldn't help but to chuckle. "Aww, honey," he smiled, sitting beside her, "I won't be making out with you anyway, you're too drunk and you're not very well."

She looked at him with a wounded expression, upset, as if he had just told her he didn't like her anymore. "I need to brush my teeth," she insisted in a voice that was softer; defeated.

"Okay, come on, come with me." He took her hand and helped her up and led her back to the bathroom. He took his toothbrush from the container by the bathroom mirror and container of mouthwash and poured a little in his spitting cup. He placed the brush inside, "You're going to have to use mine, but I'm disinfecting it..."

She reached over and took it from him. He watched her brush her teeth and then disinfected it again and brushed his own, knowing deep within that there was no other person that he would ever considered sharing a toothbrush with, much less a woman who had just vomited.

Trevor was relieved when they both got back in to bed. "How are you feeling?" he asked her.

"Okay," she replied, "but the room is still moving."

He smiled. "Liv, I get worried at the amount of alcohol you drink," he remarked. "I wish you would drink a little less..."

She slowly rolled on to her side and stared at him, studying his face. "I don't like who I am when I don't drink..." she told him.

"I love who you are when you don't drink," he challenged her. "I think Olivia Benson the doctor and Olivia Benson the person are both incredible women. You are so warm and kind and so capable and smart, Liv."

"It's now how you perceive me," she slurred, "it's how I feel in my heart, I hate living inside my skin, I just..." she stopped, considering her words carefully, "I just have to dull it all, stop it from destroying my insides, ruining me more than it has already."

Trevor felt sad for her. He didn't know how to make her see her worth. "But, drinking only makes it worse..."

He saw tears welling in her eyes. "Trevor," she placed a hand on his shoulder, "since the day I was conceived men have dictated my existence and now and I started drinking because it was the only way to cope with men having the power to raise or ruin my life every single step of the fucking way."

"I want you to be my equal," he told her. He stroked her hair, "I don't want to dictate any element of your life and you need to believe me when I say that your career is not ruined."

"I don't know how to do it all again..."

"Will you let me help?" he asked, "I can help you and if it's what you want, I would love to do what I can..."

Olivia avoided his eyes for a moment or two, considering his words, processing them. She inched closer to him. "Why are you so nice to me?" she asked, "I've been trying to figure it out and I can't... but I don't understand, what's in it for you?"

Feeling troubled, Trevor lifted his head, propping it on his elbow. "There is nothing in it for me except for the satisfaction of knowing that the woman I so deeply care about will be happy – that's it, that's all I gain for it."

"What do you want from me in return..."

"Nothing," he said firmly. "Nothing. I just like you so much."

"I like you too, but I know I'm going to fuck it up..."

"Stop saying that," he insisted. He couldn't keep his hands off of her – it was the mixture of her vulnerability, his drunkenness and the fact that she was all but naked beside him. He stroked her hair and her face, letting his fingers creep in to her wavy locks. "I am falling in love with you, Olivia..." he told her seriously, hoping that she wouldn't react badly.

"Me too..." she whispered.

"You're falling in love with me?" he asked a little louder.

"I feel connected to you," she told him, "my brain is fuzzy when you're around and I feel comfortable... but I'm waiting to ruin it."

"How do you think you're going to ruin it?" he asked, allowing his hand the indulgence to run down her arm until his hand fell in to hers. He laced his fingers through hers, concentrating on how soft her body was, how warm her hand and how much he loved being physically close.

"I don't know... you'll get to know me and then I'll do something self-destructive and you'll get sick of me, I know it."

"Olivia, I can handle it. Let me make that choice..."

She wiped her eyes with her free hand. "Charlotte used to always say that if there was any reason why we weren't going to work, it was because of me and she was right."

Trevor frowned. "What made her say that?" he wondered, squeezing her warm hand.

"Because I couldn't tell her about Franklin and she knew I was keeping something from her..." she replied, "but she wouldn't have understood... she's a strong woman, she wouldn't stood for it, she would never have let it happen to her."

"Olivia, you didn't let it happen," Trevor corrected her, "it just happened..." he inched closer and slipped an arm around her. "And you didn't ask for it, you didn't do anything to deserve it, but you were in a position where you had no choice to say nothing."

She let go of his hand and wrapped her arm around him, burying her face in to his chest for comfort because thinking about it while she was drunk had heavier implications. Usually alcohol helped her forget, but when she remembered, the shock of the reality of the situation she had been in seemed to hit like it was just yesterday.

He felt her body shaking, convulsing from an overwhelming wave of grief and trauma. "Its okay," he murmured, burying his lips in her hair, holding her tightly. "you couldn't do anything that would drive me away..." he promised, "but its okay if you're not ready yet."

"I love you," she blurted out the second that she had calmed down. Trevor felt his breath catch. "I really, really love you but I don't know if I can deal with one more heartbreak."

Trevor was still reeling from her admission. His mouth was dry and his hands felt full of pins and needles. Nervousness overcame him. "I-I..." he stumbled for the right words, "I-I love- I'm in love with you too..." he told her after clearing his throat.

She looked up at him, her face a little messy from tears. He took her cheeks in his hand and kissed her lips. "I love you too..." he repeated, looking her in her eyes so that she understood that he wasn't just saying it.