For a few days, various different servants would take on the shifts that Merlin had been excused from to allow him the time to grieve. Arthur made it as clear as he felt he could that Merlin would be allowed time to grieve for as long as was necessary. Although Arthur urged him not to, to simply get some rest, Merlin immediately took on the role as Court Physician, telling Arthur that it was only sensible, considering Gaius had spent so long training him for that very purpose.
He must've known. Gaius would have had to know he was dying. Merlin was uncomfortably aware of what that felt like, the feeling of the magic in you slipping away as one might slip off an icy cliff. The way it was almost attached to you, how it felt simultaneously like a consciousness and a limb that was being torn away from you. That's why when Arthur and Gwen tried to reassure him that Gaius had passed peacefully he had to just nod along, not able to bring himself to reveal the extent of Gaius' agony.
The extent of agony he'd felt before.
Arthur went to visit Merlin for the first time in four days and arrived to a scene he'd never seen before with Merlin.
He looked different. It was difficult for him to really see how himself, but he somehow looked older, weathered. His hair was still short, brown, a little fluffy. His eyes were still that sort of aqua blue, until for a moment they flashed amber and the potion he was working on went from pastel purple to vivid, almost sparkling. At once, his eyes returned to their aqua color and it was as if it never happened.
For a few moments Arthur stood in the doorway, unnoticed by Merlin whose steps seemed almost frantic. He rushed to cap the vial with a small cork and placed a wax seal on the top, a golden G. Arthur cringed. That was Gaius'. He guessed Merlin hadn't wanted to be rid of it yet.
It was then Merlin noticed Arthur. "Oh, hello Arthur." The sentence was still a bit stiff, but it was something, and that's all Arthur really wanted at this point.
Arthur shifted, a bit uncomfortably. "Hey, Merls."
It was one of the few times he ever used that nickname. He usually only used it when Merlin seemed sad, or anxious, and he didn't seem to be either of those things. But how could he not be? He had walked into Gaius' chambers with Merlin, blank stare, sitting on the ground, and Gaius dead. How could that not spark any kind of emotion?
When his own father had seemed to be going insane, he feigned strength for the sake of his kingdom for he felt he was obligated to. He wasn't even sure how Merlin had done it, but he had somehow always knew what to say, always known what to do. Arthur knew had he not pushed him away he'd have probably broke down in front of Merlin the first time he pushed Arthur to express his emotions, and he felt it was safe to assume that was what Merlin was doing now.
Merlin seemed to vaguely understand the significance of the usage of his nickname, and his head moved up as if preparing to make eye contact with Arthur for a moment, but he seemed to reconsider the movement and once again just looked down at the potion in front of him, now bottled and prepared to be delivered to its recipient. Arthur knew Merlin would take any opportunity to escape a conversation to discuss his own emotions that he could, so he thought quickly of a way to keep him there.
"I wanted to ask for a sleeping draft. There's a bit of noise coming from the room beside me, keeping me up. You wouldn't mind, would you?"
Merlin hesitated a moment, clearly irritated by the thwarting of the out he expected to have, but nodded anyways, still not making eye contact. "Not at all. It'll take a bit. There's a chair there." He hollered for one of the guards and instructed them to deliver the other potion to a Mrs. Hornwell.
Arthur sat down in the chair Merlin had motioned to, clearing his throat and trying to find the words to say. "Uh, so. How are you doing?"
Merlin feigned obliviousness. "It's a bit busy but I'm on schedule, once I'm done with your sleeping draft I'm onto Mr. Fletcher's pain relief potion and then I have a short break." Arthur sighed. "That's not what I meant, Merlin."
It was at this point that Merlin finally made eye contact with Arthur and Arthur noticed his eyes. Although they seemed the same as before, they were somehow duller, less vibrant than usual. The amber looked the same when he had spoken the incantation earlier, but Arthur had to wonder if he had seen that wrong as well.
"I understand what you're trying to do and I appreciate that you have good intentions, but please. I don't want to talk about it. To anyone." There was a moment of wordless eye contact before Merlin broke away again and quickly finished the sleeping draft. Arthur hadn't known what to say after that. Should he have pushed Merlin further? He supposed it didn't matter now, he had a potion he didn't have any use for and Merlin was walking out the door.
"Stay as long as you need. I'll be back in an hour or so."
A/N: I apologize for the lapse in updates. This has been a stressful few weeks for me and I was struggling with some writer's block. I'm aiming to get back to updating at least every other day if not more, so thanks to all who have stuck with the story/welcome to the people who just started reading! I'm so grateful for all your kind words and I hope this mini-hiatus hasn't soured your opinion of me too much!