Assblaster Day was similar to El Blanco Day. There was a banner saying Assblaster Day October 11th that was hung in town. Jodi had welcomed everyone at the podium like she did the first time. Rose and Wes were in charge of distracting El Blanco when needed. The rest were in their places from the first event.
"Welcome everyone to Assblaster Day," Jodi smiled. She still felt nervous from speaking to this big of a crowd but her hands didn't shake this time. "This is our second big event we are starting. We may have skipped through some cycles but don't worry, we will hit them next year. This town, so far, has been known to come in contact with these creatures first. From there, other instances happened. Graboids morphed into Shriekers. A different kind of terror, which didn't allow them to last long due to their destructive disposition. However, here in Perfection, we were unable to stop them, thus finding out the last cycle to Graboids, Assblasters. A name I chose for them while walking with a mattress over my head to better ground so El Blanco wouldn't eat us. Today, we will walk you through what happened that day along with instances when the first ever captured Assblaster returned home, a break for lunch, we have speakers about that day, and a memorial to recognize those we have lost. A word from Burt on safety." She handed the microphone over to him.
Burt explained the usual precautions and how to stay alive and stay safe in this town. He handed the podium back to Jodi set things off by having the first group in the tours be ready to head over and set out.
Chang's Market was bustling with people waiting for their turn. The pop-up museum was back along with a donation box to help fund the actual museum. Pictures of when Assblasters first arrived to the town. Pictures of the destruction they have caused. Famous pictures of Messerschmitt, the only living Assblaster, which is held in captivity in Las Vegas by Sigmund and Ray.
Dr. Lewis Thorpe was interested in this town's events. He was also interested in the how El Blanco behaves while there is enormous amount of racket going on. He read every article from the pop-up museum. He even had tickets to the tour.
Tyler started his tour off with driving to the old tour trail. "This tour was created and originally owned by Jack Sawyer, known as Graboid Safari. His tour had fake attacks to look like graboids were still here. This here was the old touring trail he would use. Him and his buddy, Buford, would create a scenario of a graboid chasing the vehicle with an extinguisher full of dirt, fake stalling on the vehicle, fences that were knocked down by a series of pullies, and a fake seismograph to pull everything in. He would then hightail it to some boulders, stay out there for a few hours and then come back in. However, on one fateful tour, a graboid did actually come by. While Buford was speaking with Mindy, he was throwing a knife into the ground repeatedly. This brought the graboid right to him. Unfortunately, he did not survive. How did this graboid come in full size and unnoticed? Well, it was eleven years since the first incident. All of the next incidents had been happening more southern. No one thought this place would be attacked twice so no one kept up to date on their seismos which we all know Burt Gummer was not too happy about, as he was the one who had it all setup after the first incident."
Tyler drove around to the boulders Jack would use. "This here were the boulders that Jack took his guests to for touring. These were the same boulders they had to wait on when the graboid followed them. He had a fake gun on here and well, from all the adventures I have been on, this one is real. It is only operated by me, but in a pinch someone else could too. If not for Mindy being with all of them, I don't know if any of them would have survived. She threw one of the tourists malfunctioning camera as distraction for all of them to get safely back on here and head back to pavement."
He kept on driving to a certain spot. "Nancy called in for government help. Which didn't go the way she wanted. The government wanted to catch a live graboid. Thus, getting in the way of Burt and his monster hunting. It became poor timing as a graboid changed into shriekers. None of the government officials survived." He came to a halt. Tyler pointed to a box canyon. "Over there is where the shriekers had run off to, six but multiplying, the jeep trail to Preston Dry Lake. Burt, Miguel, Jodi, and Tyler followed them to try to hunt them. They were too late as El Blanco, our albino graboid, had them on their own boulders. It wasn't until the next day when they could distract El Blanco with the help of Mindy that they could leave and head towards the shriekers. The pipe bomb Burt was for nothing, as it only showed empty husks like snake skin or that of a spider husk." Tyler drove to a quick loop. "Since it was the third change, no one knew that these things would fly. None of them thought to look up in the air." He headed over to cliff. "The group walked to find Burt's truck as it was the distraction to lead El Blanco away. It fell off this cliff. The heat of the exploding truck brought an Assblaster. This is where they killed the first Assblaster and found out how it flies but also where we lost Miguel, as he tried to shoot one down but it struck him in the back, pushing him over the cliff instead. As the truck kept exploding, they had to flee the area to find safety. They used a mattress to cover their body heat and walked three miles back to Burt's residence."
Tyler drove back towards town. "While this was happening, Nancy and Mindy were up on the roof of Chang's Market. They encountered an Assblaster. It followed them down into the Market. Mindy used quick thinking by heating up a whole ham, hoping to distract it as they could get into the cooler. However, Mindy discovered that these things went into a food coma. She used all the duct tape she could and caught the first Assblaster ever, alive. Things didn't go too well for Burt, Jodi, and Jack. One came down into his home. Burt then had to blow up his own home in the process. It was graboid proof and shrieker proof. They escaped and reconvened at the junkyard for safety. From there, those three thought on their feet to defeat the last four Assblasters with the help of El Blanco." He stopped by the junkyard. "Jack improvised coming up with the idea of using a potato gun while Jodi thought of using a flaming arrow. While searching to make this happen, Jodi pushed junk onto one to pin it down. She actually didn't kill it, but they did kill the other three while hiding in that trailer. Burt got pinned down by an old mattress spring, El Blanco came by due to the ultrasonic sound his watch gave off. The Assblaster that was pinned became unpinned and started to attack them. Burt took off his watch, it was then placed with duct tape, which was then thrown and stuck onto the Assblaster. Before the Assblaster knew what had happened, El Blanco emerged and ate the Assblaster." There were some gasps from the tourists. "Now we know that their kind are like sharks in that sense, they will eat each other." Tyler headed back to town. "Nancy sold the Assblaster for a high price to put Mindy through college. Mindy also just graduated this spring and is actually one of our speakers for today. Hope you have enjoyed our tour and hope to see you again on our next one."
Jodi had put the Assblaster themed items on special today since it was their holiday. Lots of people were buying items from the gift shop left and right. Lewis had enjoyed the Assblaster ham special with the Assblaster drink special too. It was very niche. The restaurant was bustling.
After lunch it was time for the speakers. This time it was Jodi and Mindy's turn to speak. Burt was also going to speak but not as long as the other two. Like last time Jodi was the one who started off the speakers.
"Hello everyone! I am Jodi Chang, owner of Chang's Market," she had her notes on the podium. "I want to share with you a bit of my family history. My uncle, Walter Chang, gave graboids their name. He inherited Chang's Market. Chang's Market was first started back in 1889, it has been in the family ever since. After my uncle lost his life to the very creature he had named, none of the family members took over Chang's Market. We were at a loss. My uncle was eccentric and always had stories when he came to family gatherings. We all knew that one day one of us would take over Chang's Market. None of us knew it would be that quickly. I have a degree in business since our family, the Chang's, was very successful in business. I took over Chang's Market a few years after graduating.
"Chang's Market was also a business that no one really wanted to take on. In the middle of nowhere, not prosperous but it had long family history. I took it over with the plans to make it prosperous as my uncle had hoped it would become like it was back in the day. One thing that didn't help, corporations were taking their share of our town's historical event for their own cash flow. I remember everyone feeling mixed emotions with the aftermath of the first attack. I came with my family to help out rebuild Perfection back up. The giant hole in the floor boards still haunts me. Chang's Market was restored but the family decided to close it down to mourn for him properly. We never opened it back up until I decided to.
"I wanted to go head-to-head with the corporations and take back what was unique to this area. I came up with everything I could think of at the time to get the niche back to our town. It was something my uncle would have been proud to see. When I took over the business, I did not think about graboids would be attacking once again. It was not something that was a priority. The priority was making Perfection and its history a priority. I remember arguing with a company about the graboids they made so I can sell them had four tentacles instead of three. Burt's siren blared. Nancy came into the Market. I was shocked. I asked what the Hell was that. Nancy informed me as she brought down the graboid ladder. When I got the Market up and running, Burt had put in the town's ordinances that every building needs to be graboid proof. I had to update the Market to those specifications in order to open legally. I let the company know that I was not paying for the inaccurate graboid merchandise, hung up, and headed up the ladder with Nancy.
"At first it was, 'is this real? Are graboids really back?' We were up on the roof when Mindy, Jack, and Burt all came back. It was clear for us to come down. Burt was disappointed in us that none of us had kept up the seismos he had us all install according to the town's ordinance. Could he blame us though? Eleven years since the first attack. Perfection was just trying to thrive. We had a town meeting about the graboid situation. Burt was serious but none of us were though. Still in disbelief graboids had come back to Perfection. Burt, on the other hand, had been hunting these things every time they showed up. All of Perfection was trying to move on and regain its dignity while Burt was still living in the attacks. Burt was the one to call to fight them. He was ready to fight. Especially when the next cycle to these terrifying creatures was Shriekers.
"Burt wanted to requisition all of my remote-control trucks since that helped them in the Mexico incident," Jodi dropped her shoulders. "Miguel was wanting to join on the hunt along with Burt. Nancy did call the government as to help our town. This time we had more time. This time we had more access to resources. This time, we thought, this time would be different. Well, it was different.
"The government, of course, didn't go the way Nancy hoped for them to go. It then became the idea of all of Perfection being evacuated. They also believed they could catch a live graboid. It had become from a disbelief to reality, to woah-woah-woah-wait, we're going to be without our homes, catching a real life graboid? Too much way too fast. I poured all of my money into getting Chang's Market up and running again. I didn't want that threat to become a reality. Jack negotiated with the government officials to work with Burt.
"While Burt and Jack were hunting them down, a scientist had found an egg in one of his cores where the earliest graboid movements were documented. He found it on his third dig. It then became proven that graboids came from eggs. He carbon dated it. 300 years old of dormancy. The yolk was still preserved. It was believed that those current graboids came from them. I did think they were amazing. History continuing to be made in Perfection." She let out a laugh. "At that time, I asked to buy that historic egg for fifty bucks. The scientist wanted it to go to a museum. I offered one hundred. It didn't happen.
"The next day, none of us had heard anything new from the federal agents. We found out they chased the graboid and the next cycle happened. Shriekers. I ended up going with Jack, and Miguel was with Burt. Nancy and Mindy stayed in town. El Blanco followed Burt due to his watch. We had to sleep on boulders while in our quest to stop the multiplication of Shriekers before it became an infestation. While on those boulders with the ever whirlwind that was Jack Sawyer, he got me to rethink some things about my life. I was so in motion about getting this place to glory. He was all about nature and Zen. I wanted to build something for myself here. To leave my mark in the Chang family history. I could have stayed in San Francisco, parleyed my MBA into a six-figure income but here I am instead. However, he also made me realize how much people still want to cash grab our town and its history.
"Burt with Mindy's help, got El Blanco distracted. We headed to the area where the Shriekers were still at. None of them were there. It was odd. Husks of the Shriekers were still there. A new phase happened. Burt's truck had attracted them. We saw something move. We saw that it had the same heat sensor as a Shrieker. Its butt buzzed. We took aim, fired, trying to kill it. We didn't know it could fly. We didn't know that the next phase was flying. I didn't think about that when the scientist brought the egg. The scientist never really thought about these creatures going to a flying phase. No one could imagine that something underground, beached itself, transform into shriekers, and then into something that flies. One weird phase after another.
"The first interaction with the Assblaster we had, took Miguel's life," Jodi looked down. "We all wished we were better shots. We all wished we shot sooner. I wished that I had that bit of paranoia you could say, to keep the seismos up and running those years. The effort I pushed into bringing back the glory for Chang's Market, could have been used to the effort of some hope that graboids would come back to Perfection.
"We only killed one but there were many more. We had to get out of that situation. It was Jack, Burt, and me under a mattress walking a few miles back to Burt's compound. While walking, just like my uncle, I came up with a name for them. Well, several actually. 'Blast-offers, butt-launchers,' and the one that stuck, Assblasters. It's a little proud moment for the Chang's, as two of us actually name these two creatures.
"When we came to Burt's place, we thought we were fine but Jack reminded us about how Burt's place was not Assblaster proof. We all went into Burt's safe room. We didn't think about maybe this new phase of creature was different. It had similar characteristics to Shriekers. When one came tumbling through the roof. We could only think about our lives. We could only think in that moment. It was either us or them. It also had the learning curve, using its flame thrower butt to melt down the door. Again, us or them. Jack and I went through Burt's reinforced tunnel as Burt set off explosives. He blew up his own home to save us. At the end of that tunnel, we thought we found safety. Instead, we found out that this phase of creatures could go into a food coma. Something shocking. We became in disbelief again. Without a fortress Burt had built, we had to seek shelter again. This time thanks to a boat and a tarp found by Jack, we headed to the junkyard.
"How did we make it on a boat, well, it was on a trailer, and we hid under the tarp, as one of us tried to man the boat with a pole to steer it, as it was headed towards the junkyard at full speed. We hit a pole. The pole above us had an Assblaster perched, waiting for its next meal. We darted out of the hiding spot since it saw us and headed to our next hiding spot, a portapotty. In that moment of waiting until our body heat combines to bring more of them to us, we used our thinking skills to hatch a plan to kill them. Jack thought of a potato gun, while I thought of using flaming arrow but it was actually us thinking about how to use their own bodies against them. Their bodies had two chemicals that when mixed, created fire to launch them into the air. Can't get close, so a flaming spear or an arrow. Jack then thought of using a potato gun. Burt agreed. We had a plan, then we all darted off to search in the junkyard for those items.
"While on the hunt for those items, I saw one. I pushed junk on top of it, thinking I have killed it. I was so happy, that I, me, could actually join in and kill a creature. However, not being an actual hunter, I didn't actually check to see if it was actually dead.
"We moved into the mobile home for higher ground and better refuge. We worked as a team to kill off those things one by one. We thought we were done. Burt's watch attracted El Blanco which made him fall on top of springs, and that was a scary ordeal. Burt's on their while El Blanco is coming. Jack grabbed the watch took off with it, as I am scrambling to follow Burt's directions of getting out his weatherman and cutting where the springs are attached to his vest. While that was happening, my supposed 'kill' got free of the junk and was ready to attack us. Jack's brilliant thinking of putting duct tape on it and throwing it at the Assblaster for El Blanco to eat saved both our lives." Jodi smiled. "Jack moved on from Perfection as he was only a man of show. He wasn't a man who could handle the curve balls this town throws at you.
"And this town throws lots of curve balls. After that, we rebuilt, we rethought. We also tried to make sure our town kept its history without others trying to get a cash gain on it for just pure profit. The Assblaster Nancy and Mindy caught came back to this town. Messerschmitt, did also help me out with a few tourists as people came to see it before Sigmund and Ray took it.
"When Messerschmitt came back, it caused us problems. Burt was teaching his survival school while this occurred. Burt and Tyler went to hunt it down, as it was causing death and destruction but two of Sigmund and Ray's men came to bring it back alive. It was so different from when we first encountered them. This Assblaster wanted fine dining and since it was still alive, knew what a trap was. We all pulled our weight to recapture this Assblaster alive. Nancy made a nice French dinner, as that's what its palette knew, not MREs or anything like that. Tyler and Burt had to use a kite for reverse fishing.
"Messerschmitt is in captivity. El Blanco is here. It's nice actually. In a way, El Blanco protects this town and its history, as we strive to protect El Blanco. We have a symbiotic relationship. We want to expand enough to keep the history going but not expand enough that we drive out what shaped this town. Thank you for listening to my side of the story. We will take a small break and come back with Mindy."