NOTE: We've finally reached that point. After this chapter there will be a break. A break which will consist of me writing out the entire Namek Saga and depending on how fast I get it done will be when the next chapter is uploaded. I hope you've all enjoyed the reactions from the characters up to this point. I've hopefully done them justice and given you guys things to look forward to.
Please be safe and leave a review. Have a Happy Thanksgiving!
Chapter 18: Lord Slug
(cut to Piccolo meditating near a waterfall)
"He's finally in a different location," Lisanna pointed out.
"Looks a lot more peaceful," Mira noted.
PICCOLO: (thinking) All right, now. Hear me out. So I fire the Special Beam Cannon with one hand, right?
NAIL: (Yeah?)
"Who is this?" Levy asked. Everyone else showed visual confusion.
"I think Piccolo finally went crazy," Lucy responded.
PICCOLO: (thinking) What if I used...TWO HANDS?
NAIL: (You mean like the Kamehameha?)
"It would look like the Kamehameha," Natsu said, getting over the shock of the new voice.
PICCOLO: (thinking) NO! NOT LIKE THE KAMEHAMEHA! The Kamehameha doesn't DRILL things!
NAIL: (Last time I checked, neither do cannons.)
"I'm liking this new voice," Mira giggled.
PICCOLO: (thinking) That's what makes it "special"!
GOHAN: (arrives riding on Icarus) Hey, Mr. Piccolo! Look what I found! It's a dragon!
"I thought the dragon died?" Wendy asked.
"Not canon," Levy told her.
NAIL: (Who's that?)
PICCOLO: (thinking) It's just Gohan. If you ignore it, it'll go away.
"I've tried that with salamander and it never works," Gajeel said, disappointed.
"HUH!?" Natsu shouted back.
GOHAN: He's a Western-style dragon. I taught him how to dance! Show him, Icarus! (begins whistling)
"That's so cute," The girls cooed at the scene.
NAIL: (So do you just ignore all of your problems?)
PICCOLO: (thinking) No. Some of them I invite to live in my head.
NAIL: (Well, I'm sorry. It's just that there's so much space in here and I didn't think you'd-AAAAAHHH! Oh, my God! What the hell is that?!)
PICCOLO: (thinking) Ah! I don't know! It's like someone's torturing a frickin' cat!
"Seems Namekians are sensitive to certain sounds," Levy scribbled down.
(cut to Mr. Popo on The Lookout watering the "flowers" and humming)
MR. POPO: (ceases humming and looks up) What?
KAMI: Mr. Popo, are you torturing a cat?!
MR. POPO: Oh come on, Kami. I don't torture...cats.
The girls feel a shiver down their spines.
(a long pause ensues as Kami and Mr. Popo stare at each other)
JYNX: (appears behind Mr. Popo's shoulder) Jynx! Jynx!
MR. POPO: Bitch, shut up!
"Still freaks me out," Juvia shuddered.
(cut back to Piccolo and Gohan at the waterfall)
NAIL: (MAKE IT STOP!)
PICCOLO: GOHAN I WILL CARVE YOU LIKE A PUMPKIN! (Icarus flinches)
Mira's glare was that of an angry mother bear.
GOHAN: Ugh! I'm sorry, Mr. Piccolo... (Piccolo does not respond and Icarus makes a noise)
PICCOLO: I'll kill it.
"Don't," Wendy pleads.
(Piccolo and Gohan gasp and look up in the sky, which shows a dark object moving forward from space. Cut to inside Capsule Corporation with Dr. Briefs looking through a telescope)
DR. BRIEFS: Honey, good news! I've isolated the gay gene! Now we'll finally be able to make it through Manhattan at a decent time! I knew this combination telescope-microscope would come in handy. Also, there's a giant meteor coming towards the planet. Quick, get me Bruce Willis, Steve Buscemi and Aerosmith!
"Who are they and what can they do?" Levy asked.
OOLONG: What about Ben Affleck?
DR. BRIEFS: What about bacon?
OOLONG: …
"Damn," Gray lets out.
(cut to Goku and Krillin floating in midair)
GOKU: So, if I blow this meteor up, I get bacon?
"Can I get bacon if they blow it up?" Natsu asks Mira.
"Sure," She replies pleasantly.
KRILLIN: Why am I Mr. Pink?
(Goku and Krillin fire a combined Kamehameha wave at the meteor. Cut to Oolong, Bulma, Chi-Chi, Gohan, and Icarus watching on a hillside.)
CHI-CHI: Did it work?
"Considering the fact that it would be over too soon if they did, I'm gonna say no," Levy responded.
(the combined Kamehameha wave hits the meteor and dissipates)
OOLONG: Nnnnope.
GOKU: NOOO! MY BACOOOOOONNN! (gets blown away by the meteor)
KRILLIN: I'M A VIRGIIIINNN! (also gets blown away by the meteor)
"Weird, but not surprising final words from the both of them," Gajeel said.
("DragonBall Z Abridged: Lord Slug" logo appears on the screen)
(cut to the meteor passing by the Earth and explodes, with its fragments raining down inside the Earth)
BULMA: (gets up and looks at the raining fragments in the sky) Well... Good news is, we're not dead.
OOLONG: And hey. The city's okay, too. Hell, there's even a new building. (shows a mysterious new building)
"That's not a building," Erza said.
GOHAN: That's no building... That's a space station!
"Good observation!" Mira congratulated.
(the building is revealed to be a gigantic space station with a crowd gathered around it)
VOICE 1: What the heck do you think's inside?
VOICE 2: I bet it's Jesus! I'm calling Jesus! You heard it here, folks-I said Jesus!
"I don't think that's right," Lucy said apprehensively.
(a door opens and a soldier walks out of the space station)
VOICE 3: Hi, Jesus!
SOLDIER: Okay, guys, move out. This is easy pickings. (he along with a group of other soldiers walk down the stairs)
VOICE 2: Look, everyone! It's Jesus' death army! ...Something about what I just said doesn't sound right.
"Yeah, I wonder why?" Gray said sarcastically.
SOLDIER: Inhabitants of Earth! Prepare to be conquered in the name of Lord Slug!
VOICE 2: (as the crowd applause) We love you, Jesus!
"They're all idiots," Gajeel's face deadpanned.
SOLDIER: What the hell is going on? Heh, open fire.
(The line of soldiers open fires on the now screaming crowd. Cut Lord Slug inside his ship)
LORD SLUG: (makes a mumbling, crunching noise)
"That's one old Namekian," Happy whistled.
"Can he even speak?" Lily asked.
ZEEUN: Gyoshu! Why is the process of terra-freezing the planet taking so long?
GYOSHU: You can just say "terra-freezing process". "Terra-freezing the planet" sounds redundant.
ZEEUN: Well, why is it taking so long?
GYOSHU: Because apparently, someone needed a f**king English lesson.
ZEEUN: You listen here! King Piccolo is on borrowed time! (Lord Slug growls) We- Uh, oh! (turns around) I-I... Uh... I am so sorry. That was a total slip-up on my part. Please forgive me, King Piccolo... I did it again. (Lord Slug fires a blast at his chest) UAAAARGGH! (falls on the floor)
"That...escalated quickly," Elfman said.
"A little too quickly," Erza said.
GYOSHU: How long will it take? Well, King Piccolo. I believe it will take- (Lord Slug growls) No, wait! I said it because he did! I said it because he did- (gets blasted by Lord Slug) AAAH! (falls on the floor)
"Doesn't matter," Gajeel said.
LORD SLUG: (unintelligible mumbling)
KAKUJA: Well, Lord Slug. It is my humble opinion, Lord Slug, that it will take three days, Lord Slug. Go Team Slug.
LORD SLUG: (unintelligible mumbling)
KAKUJA: Thank you, Lord Slug.
"What kiss ass," Gray complained.
"At least he was smart enough to not make the mistake," Lucy said.
LORD SLUG: (unintelligible mumbling)
KAKUJA: Your Vicodin? In the bowl next to you.
LORD SLUG: (mumbles and munches down on a couple handfuls of pills)
"Is that safe?" Wendy asked, concerned.
"He's an alien, so I guess it's fine," Carla reassured.
KAKUJA: Oh, look at him go.
(cut to outside the space station with Gohan kicking a soldier in the face)
"Yeah Gohan!" Natsu cheered.
SOLDIER: Oh, God! All I see is glass and blood!
(Gohan jumps back and kicks one soldier away, punches another one in the face, and kicks an attacking soldier. Cut over to Chi-Chi running from behind Gohan and two ki blasts are fired at two nearby soldiers. Chi-Chi continues running through the smoke to leaps above Gohan and kick one to the two soldiers in the face, with the scene freeze-framing as she lands behind both of them.)
JAPANESE NARRATOR: 主婦! 千月経周期の蹴り! (Housewife Style! Kick of a Thousand Menstrual Cycles!)
(both soldiers explode behind Chi-Chi)
"Chi-Chi is a badass," Lucy exclaimed excitedly. All of the other girls agreed with her.
CHI-CHI: You see, just because I'm a woman- (a soldier appears and punches her in the stomach, knocking her out)
BULMA: That actually lasted longer than I expected.
The girls deflated at Chi-Chi's instant defeat.
The guys however laughed their asses off.
GOHAN: Mom! (carries Chi-Chi away from two incoming ki blasts, with his hat flying off) (thinking) Ah, my hat! Oh well. It's a good thing none of these guys know what a DragonBall is.
LORD SLUG: (mumbles and takes the DragonBall off Gohan's hat) A Dragon Ball?
GOHAN: Crapbaskets.
"I won't be surprised if more villains know about the dragon balls at this point," Levy folded her arms.
"Saves the time of constantly explaining them," Gajeel agreed.
OOLONG: (off-screen) Let me go, you crazy bitch!
("Superman Theme" starts playing)
BULMA: Stop right there! (shows her holding Oolong in front of her face) I am King Bacon! Leave now, or I will use my voodoo powers on you!
Everyone laughed(Smirked in Gajeel's case) at Bulma's attempt.
ANGIRA: You look like a twat.
BULMA: (drops Oolong) You're talking to the pig, right?
"Probably not," Gray said.
ANGIRA: I'm talking to you, yes.
BULMA: Oh, I am at least an eight!
LORD SLUG: (mumbles while looking at the DragonBall)
BULMA: What? You know what the DragonBalls are?
LORD SLUG: (unintelligible mumbling)
BULMA: And you want to collect all seven? Well, tough luck, Jolly Green Jackass, because I'm the only one here with a radar to find them!
(Gohan gives a horrified look at Bulma and Lord Slug gives a big, toothy grin)
Everyone's jaws dropped at Bulma's callous mistake.
"And she's supposed to be the smart one," Lucy face palmed.
GOHAN: (groans while holding his nose in annoyance) Oh, my God.
LORD SLUG: (mumbles and telekinetically pulls Bulma toward him)
BULMA: Oh, God! Get off me! Where's my Rape Mace?! No, no, nooo!
(Lord Slug grabs Bulma's head and knocks her out)
GOHAN: (runs towards Bulma) Bulma! (Angira and Medamatcha appear and knees him in the stomach. Medamatcha puts his hat back on his head) Thank you. (Medamatcha pushes him down to the ground)
"Gohan!" Mira shouts in concern.
"At least they returned the hat," Her siblings try to reassure. They were both met with a glare from Mira.
LORD SLUG: (mumbles while walking towards Medamatcha and hands him Bulma's pouch)
MEDAMATCHA: You want us to find them all in an hour? But it's hot as balls!
"And now you gotta find some," Gajeel said.
LORD SLUG: (mumbles which sounds like "Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch.")
(shows the Dragon Radar with all seven Dragon Balls blinking nearby)
MEDAMATCHA: Thank you. (takes a DragonBall from a bird's nest)
ANGIRA: (takes a DragonBall from a man who falls on the ground) Thank you.
DORODABO: (takes a DragonBall from a mountain) Thank you, mountain.
DRAGONBALL SOLDIER 1: I got a DragonBall!
DRAGONBALL SOLDIER 2: I got a DragonBall!
DRAGONBALL SOLDIER 3: I got a DragonBall!
"That did not take long at all," Happy frowned.
"We need to stop being surprised about that too," Levy added.
(cut to Peanuts' "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" Halloween special)
CHARLIE BROWN: (in ghost costume) I got a rock.
"Good for you," Lisanna smiled.
(cut to Lord Slug preparing to summon the Eternal Dragon)
LORD SLUG: (unintelligible mumbling) (Shenron gets summoned)
SHENRON: I am the Eternal Dragon. Why have you summoned me?
LORD SLUG: (unintelligible mumbling)
SHENRON: You wish to return to the prime of your youth. Your wish shall be- Wait a second. Hold on. Something seems really familiar about this.
"He's probably talking about Garlic Jr.," Levy explains(She's unaware that King Piccolo made the same wish).
"Wait, he managed to understand Slug?" Natsu asked.
"He's a mystical dragon, so I guess being able to understand multiple languages comes with the job," Lucy explained.
LORD SLUG: (makes an annoyed growling sound)
SHENRON: Ah, doesn't matter. Your wish is granted. (eyes glow red and grants the wish)
LORD SLUG: (laughs as he grows young) (fluently) Lord Slug the Almighty has returned! My youth, my strength, my impeccable singing voice!
("What a Wonderful World" by Louie Armstrong starts playing as a satellite files up into space and creates a mist that pollutes the earth, killing plants and wildlife)
LORD SLUG: (singing to "What a Wonderful World", but with his own lyrics)
I see trees of brown and skies of black
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world!
"Someone's happy with their new voice," Lily noted.
"I don't blame him," Gray said.
(cut to Goku waking up)
GOKU: Wh-where am I?
YAJIROBE: That meteor kicked your ass. Turns out it was full of bad guys, too. Who knew?
GOKU: Wow, I must have been out for a while. It's all...snowy.
YAJIROBE: I know, right? It's almost like-
GOKU: IT'S CHRISTMAAAAASSS!
Lucy turned to Natsu to say something, but he beat her to it. "I know it's not Christmas Lucy," He explained. The Celestial mage backs up a bit surprised.
(cut to outside Goku's house with Icarus' skeleton on the front yard)
"Ohhhhhh…." Wendy's famous frown returned.
BULMA: (from inside the house) It's really a shame how hard it is to find food with all the animals dying.
"Aren't you rich?" Gray asked.
(cut to Bulma and Chi-Chi inside)
CHI-CHI: Yes, we just have to make do with what we have. Gohan! Dragon soup's ready! It's finger licarus good! (opens the door to Gohan's room) AAAAH! (runs to Bulma) Bulma! Gohan's missing! And so is the outfit Piccolo gave him! *gasps* And Red Dawn's on Netflix!
(cut to Gohan attacking the soldiers from the sky)
GOHAN: WOOOLVERIIIIIINES! (fires a blast at the screaming soldiers) You can't touch me up here!
"Kid has spirit, that's for sure," Gray smiled.
SOLDIER: We have blasters!
GOHAN: One of those does nothing!
SOLDIER: How about a hundred? (many soldiers are heard cocking their weapons)
GOHAN: (realizes that he's screwed) ...Wolverines?
(all soldiers open fire at Gohan, who grunts and falls on the ground)
SOLDIER: All right! Sh*t stomp on the little kid!
"Back off," Mira spat.
(All soldiers start charging at Gohan and gets blown away by an unexpected ki blast. Cut to a shadowy figure holding up a soldier.)
SOLDIER: Oh, my God. Are you Batman?
(The shadow figure flings the screaming soldier aside into the light, smashing its glass and revealing the shadowy figure to be Piccolo. "Disturbed - Glass Shatters" starts playing)
"PICCOLO!" Natsu, Happy, and Wendy cheered.
Lisanna turned to her sister. Mira looked at her and sighed.
"I'll cut him a break just this once," Mira huffed.
GOHAN: (laughs) Mr. Piccolo! (Dorodabo and Medamatcha appears)
PICCOLO: All right, what's your gimmick?
DORODABO: Gimmick?
PICCOLO: Yeah, like the last guys. They were all Misfit Minions and crap. What are you?
"Looking back at our old enemies...He's not wrong," Lucy brought up.
Gray mulls it over for a bit. "Yeah we have fought some really weird people." He looks at both Juvia and Gajeel.
"What?" They both ask.
"Nothing," The Ice Mage responds.
ANGIRA: We're just here for your planet. Though if I had to choose, I'd say I'm the pretty one.
"Not that pretty," Juvia said.
PICCOLO: Eh, six out of ten.
"Piccolo gets it," Juvia smiled.
ANGIRA: You sassy bitch.
PICCOLO: (to Medamatcha) That makes you the weird one with the freaky power.
MEDAMATCHA: I can spawn mini-mes!
"That says it all," Erza said.
PICCOLO: Spectacular. (to Dorodabo) And that would make you no doubt the big, tough, stupid one.
DORODABO: You take that back or I'll kill you!
PICCOLO: All right, all right. You're not tough.
DORODABO: That's better!
GOHAN: Wait, didn't you…
"Guess we found someone Natsu's smarter than," Gray and the others laughed.
The Fire Dragon Slayer could only blush at the laughter.
PICCOLO: Give him a minute.
(short pause)
DORODABO: Hey! You son of a bitch! (lunges forward and tries punching Piccolo, but rams his fist into the back of a cargo truck)
PICCOLO: Now, now. That truck is not your eating disorder.
DORODABO: (removes his fist from the truck) You're a penis!
PICCOLO: So long since you've seen yours that you don't even recognize one, do ya?
"Piccolo just became my new favorite character," Gajeel burst into laughter.
"I will admit that it was a good comeback," Mira laughs.
(Piccolo leaps off the truck and lands on a roof with Dorodabo following and attempts to punch Piccolo again, but Piccolo catches and crushes his fist, causing Dorodabo to scream in pain, and then grabs his wrist.)
DORODABO: Please don't break mah arm.
PICCOLO: No. (breaks Dorodabo's arm, who screams in pain)
DORODABO: Aaaaaaahhh!
The guild continues to laugh at the exchange.
(Medamatcha spawns four mini-Matchas out of his back, who all fly after Gohan)
MEDAMATCHA: Daddy's little freaks of nature!
GOHAN: (thinking) No... Oh God...! Oh, no! Oh, God! (the mini-Machas fly up into his face) No, no, no, no...!
"Gohan's not doing so good," Lisanna winces.
"Gohan seems to have a lot of trouble in these," Erza comments.
"He's five," Mira reminded Erza again.
(cut to Dorodabo punching Piccolo, but Piccolo block the attack and kicks him off the roof)
DORODABO: He thinks he's so great, I'ma show him! (runs back inside the building, but gets knocked off the roof) Oh, goddammit! (runs back inside the building) Alright! Go for the left! He won't see me comin' from- (gets knocked off the roof again) Ahh! he saw it comin'! Fine! I'll wait down here and catch him off-guard! (runs back inside the building)
The laugher returns 10 folds at the cartoonish scene.
"This...is...too good," Lucy pants.
PICCOLO: (from inside the building) Hey. How's it goin'?
DORODABO: (from inside the building) Oh, hey. I'm just waitin' for that green jerk so I can surprise him.
PICCOLO: (from inside the building) Neat.
DORODABO: Yeah! He'll never see it comin- Oh.
(Piccolo blows him out the windows of the building)
"I don't want this to end," Gray wipes a tear from his eye.
"I don't think I've laughed this much in a while," Levy takes a few seconds to calm herself.
"We should pause for a bit, so everyone can collect themselves," Mira said, still laughing a bit.
A Few Minutes Later
"Is everyone good?" Mira asked the audience.
Everyone either nodded or said yes, allowing the take over mage to resume.
DORODABO: Urgh. All right, look. I know we said some things, but I bet if we just talk to each other a little, we could become friends. What do you say? High five?
PICCOLO: Down low.
DORODABO: Wha-?
PICCOLO: Too slow. (blasts Dorodabo in the face)
"I'm taking that," Gajeel called out.
(cut to Gohan falling down to the ground, with the mini-Matchas still on him)
MEDAMATCHA: All right, babies. Come back to papa! (the mini-Matchas fly away from Gohan) It's daddy's turn to get a shot at him now! (fires a blast at Gohan)
PICCOLO: WHY CAN'T YOU SAVE YOUR OWN DAMN SEEEEEELF?! (moves in and takes the blast to save Gohan)
" .FIVE," Mira stressed out.
MEDAMATCHA: Ha ha! The boss is gonna love this!
(cut to Lord Slug inside his ship)
LORD SLUG: Oh, God. I love this! My skin is so f**king smooth!
"He's too busy enjoying himself," Gajeel said.
"Ew," Levy gagged.
(cut back to the battle)
MEDAMATCHA: Now, to finish them off! (kicks Piccolo off Gohan)
PICCOLO: Ow.
MEDAMATCHA: Papa Medamatcha gonna make you his bitch! (evades an incoming ki blast) Gah!
ANGIRA: Who the hell?
(Goku and Krillin arrive on the scene)
"Took them long enough," Lucy sighed.
MEDAMATCHA: (chuckles) Look! Another couple of putzes to knock around! This should be fu- (Goku turns around and walks over to Gohan) What, bitch?! I'm talking to you! I will smack you with my dick!
The girl's faces crunched up in disgust.
GOKU: Don't worry, Gohan. I'll save Christmas.
GOHAN: But...it's not Christmas.
GOKU: Then why is it snowing, Gohan?
"That doesn't mean it's Christmas," Lisanna said.
ANGIRA: Not to be rude, but we've got better things to do.
MEDAMATCHA: Yeah! We're gonna take your planet, and-
GOKU: Steal Christmas?
ANGIRA: Does he mean Freeza Day?
"Really wondering who this Freezer guy is," Natsu scratches his head.
MEDAMATCHA: What the hell's a Christma- (Goku grabs him with his legs and flings him towards the ship) Aaaaaah! (flies into the ship, which explodes, and gets up from the rubble) Oh, I don't give a s**t what Christmas is now! I just know I'm going to kill it! And then my little Matchas are going to RAPE IT!
Wendy had flashbacks of Reese from the previous movie. Her usually soft expression hardened in fury.
GOKU: Nobody rakes Christmas.
(Angira plants both his arms down on the ground and grabs Goku's feet)
ANGIRA: Medamatcha!
MEDAMATCHA: Suck him dry, boys! (spawns four mini-Matchas, with three of them grabbing Goku from behind and one of them grabbing Goku's face)
"Phrashing," Erza said.
GOKU: (muffled) Hmm, what to do?
(Medamatcha grabs Goku's head and prepares to bite him, but Goku punches him and powers up, throwing the mini-Matchas off)
ANGIRA: You little upstart prick! Yaaah! (shoots a mouth blast at Goku, but Goku fires his own blast that goes inside his mouth and explodes) Uuuaargh! (falls down on the ground)
GOKU: (grabs Medamatcha's body with one hand) And that's how I saved Christmas. (throws Medamatcha's body at the soldiers) Again.
"He saved the day like a real man should!" Elfman flexes his muscles.
Lisanna and Mira sweatdrop at their brother's mannerism.
KRILLIN: Well that was unnecessarily brutal. (see multiple screaming soldiers running back into the ship) What about them?
"It wasn't brutal enough," Wendy's venomous voice cut through the audience. Everyone felt a cold shiver up their spines.
GOKU: They can live. (an explosion erupts from inside the ship) Or not.
LORD SLUG: (walks outside of his ship) God, we go through soldiers here like copy paper. (to Goku and Krillin) If you're with the government or the church, get the f**k off my property. Which, considering I now own this rock, is effectively everything.
"He won't own it for long I'm sure," Erza smiled.
KRILLIN: Don't worry, Goku. Just sit on back and let Krillin handle this one.
"This is gonna be hilarious," Gajeel laughs.
(cut to Vegeta watching the battle from a TV)
VEGETA: Oh, my God. This is going to be amazing. Aaaand, record. (clicks a button on the remote to record the battle)
(Krillin charges at Lord Slug and predictably gets slapped out of the way)
Gajeel bursts into roarous laughter.
"Oh Krillin," Lisanna sighed.
KRILLIN: (as he gets sent flying) What possessed me to do thaaaat?
VEGETA: And the Emmy goes to…
GOKU: Krillin!
(Goku charges at Lord Slug, who leaps away before Goku can reach him. Goku then leaps up into the sky, with Lord Slug reappearing up front and punches him in the face. Goku then falls headfirst into the ground.)
Everyone winced at the rough landing.
LORD SLUG: (walks towards Goku's lower body) You know, there's a certain sport I excel at. (grabs one of Goku's legs)
GOKU: (muffled) What's it called?
LORD SLUG: (pulls Goku out of the ground) Competitive bitch toss! (tosses Goku straight through a truck and inside a building)
"Pretty sure Erza excels at that too," Happy laughs.
"What makes you say that?" Gray and Natsu ask at the same time.
Happy just tries to stifle his laughter.
(cut to Piccolo trying to wake Gohan up)
PICCOLO: (weakly) Hey Gohan... Gohan, you wanna do that thing where you get really mad and start beating the guy up? (Gohan does not respond) Gohan? Gohan? (Gohan still doesn't give a response) Don't you f**king ignore me.
"He's unconscious," Mira tightens her fist.
(cut back to Goku)
GOKU: (thinking) All right. I've just gotta pull myself together. At least he's not shooting laser eyes at me or something. (Lord Slug shoots eye beams at him) He's an X-Man! (dives to the side to avoid the explosion and lands on Iguana Street) Oh great, Iguana Street. Now I'm gonna get mugged. But joke's on them; I have no money- (gets punched by Lord Slug) AAUGH! (his head bursts through the wall of another building) Oh, hey. I should take Chi-Chi here. She'll love this place. (Lord Slug pulls him out of the wall and punches him down the street) AAUGH!
"You ever have some sort of inner monologue while getting beat up?" Levy asks everyone.
"All the time," Everyone responded as if it's normal.
LORD SLUG: This is amazing. I feel like a young strapping lad, beating his meat furiously for the first time!
"Why is that an analogy?!" Lucy's face twisted in disgust.
KING KAI: (telepathically) Goku! Do you hear me?
GOKU: (thinking) Hey, King Kai. My nipples are rigid right now.
KING KAI: (telepathically) That's... Anyway, I noticed you're having a hard time down there.
"A massive understatement," Juvia adds.
GOKU: (thinking) Yeah, he's pretty really strong. I'm not sure what to do. But if I fail, Christmas is doomed!
KING KAI: But it's not... (a light bulb shines above his head) (telepathically) I mean, yes. Goku, it's Christmas. And you're about to let Christmas die.
"We should motivate Natsu like this more often," Lucy whispers to Erza.
"Agreed," The knight responds.
GOKU: (thinking) But he's so strong! I don't think I can-
KING KAI: (telepathically) Goku! You are the only one who can do this. You are the Champion of Christmas.
LORD SLUG: (chuckles) DIIIIIE! (throws another punch at Goku, but Goku catches it with his hand) Huh?
(Goku powers up and gets engulfed in a golden aura)
"WHAT THE HELL!?" Everyone jumps back.
GOKU: HAAAAAAAAAA! (crushes Lord Slug's hand)
LORD SLUG: Son of a bitch! My whittling hand!
GOKU: (in a booming, echoing voice) I AM CHAMPION CHRISTMAS! HYAAAAAAAH! (charges forward and kicks Lord Slug into a building)
(cut to King Kai on his planet)
KING KAI: Holy crap! Where'd this come from? He's become...super-powered. Like some kind of...Super Saiyaman.
"Super Saiyaman….No that doesn't sound right," Levy writes it down into her notepad.
"It's kinda like our Dragon Force," Natsu said to Wendy and Gajeel.
"Hate to agree with you, but it does resemble it a bit," Gajeel agreed.
"It's almost like an incomplete state," Wendy added her piece.
TALKING MOVIE BUBBLES: (Bubbles with a top hat, a monocle, and a moustache) Sir, if I might interject, that sounds positively ridiculous.
KING KAI: (off-screen) Shut up, Talking Movie Bubbles!
"But he's cute," Lisanna pouted.
(cut to Lord Slug flying out of a building and hitting the ground)
LORD SLUG: What the hell got into you?
"He's kicking your ass," Gray smirked.
GOKU: (in a booming, echoing voice) I WILL STOP YOU FROM DESTROYING CHRISTMAS!
LORD SLUG: What are you talking about? It's July!
GOKU: (in a booming, echoing voice) DON'T "JULY" TO ME! IT'S SNOWING!
LORD SLUG: I froze your planet, you mook!
GOKU: (in a booming, echoing voice) Wha? (pupils reappears) Awwww.
"Ah, crap," Everyone lost confidence.
(cut to King Kai on his planet)
KING KAI: Ah, crap.
TALKING MOVIE BUBBLES: Well, that's inconvenient.
KING KAI: Movie Bubbles, I swear to God! In a trunk! Off a cliff!
"I'd save him," Lisanna smiled.
(cut back to Goku on Earth)
GOKU: (normal voice) Well, I still have to defeat you! And you can't win with a broken arm! (Lord Slug tears off his injured arm) (powers down) No, no, no. You're supposed to leave it on. It gets better.
LORD SLUG: (screams and grows a new arm)
"So, Goku didn't realize he's a Namekian?" Juvia asked.
"It's Goku, I'm not surprised he didn't notice," Gray answered.
GOKU: Or, you know...grow it back. Wait a minute... That means your... (Lord Slug removes his other sleeve and his helmet) ...jaw is enormous!
(Lord Slug starts growing into a giant)
GOKU: (thinking) Hold on a minute. I know now! I know what he is! He's a-
KING KAI: (telepathically) Do not say Yoshi!
Lucy turned to Natsu with an emotionless stare. The Dragon Slayer turned to look at her.
"It wasn't my first guess," Natsu defended himself.
"What was it?," She asked him.
"A darker green Yoshi," He smiled confidently. The celestial spirit mage just slammed her head on the table.
GOKU: ...I'ma still think it.
KING KAI: Namekian, Goku. Na-me-ki-an. (telepathically) A Super Namekian, mind you, who's here to rule over your planet. Apparently, he is the banished other half of a Grand Elder Namekian who became too old and decrepit to fight. But now he has used the DragonBalls to return himself to his prime.
Levy scribbled down all of the information at rapid speeds.
GOKU: Hold on a second. Now I may not be the brightest knife in the crayon box.
"Understatement of the century," Carla mutters.
"At least he's aware of it," Lisanna defends a bit.
GOKU: But that sure sounds a lot like... (Lord Slug growls and walks forward) Hey! You wouldn't be related to King Piccolo, would you? I hope that doesn't sound racist…
"I kind of does," Levy chuckled nervously.
GOKU: I've gotta be careful about that. We're still on Iguana Street. (Squeals and moves out of the way as Lord Slug tries stomping on him and then destroys a building) (thinking while hiding behind a building) Okay, do Namekians know about sensing energy? I seem to remember they don't- (runs and evades another attack) Oh, God! They do!
"Might be good to assume if they don't have a scouter then they can sense energy," Lily said.
(Goku tries running off in one direction, but Lord Slug blocks his path with his hand. Goku then turns around to run in the other direction and Lord Slug head pops up right beside him.)
LORD SLUG: Hey.
GOKU: Hi.
LORD SLUG: How's it going?
GOKU: Eh, ya know. kinda bummed it isn't actually Christmas.
LORD SLUG: Yeah, kinda sucks.
"This is eerily casual." Lucy chuckled.
(Goku and Lord Slug stare at each other in silence for a few seconds)
GOKU: (quickly cupping his hands together) KAMEHAME-
LORD SLUG: HA! (fires a point-blank mouth blast at Goku, clearing the entire section of the city)
"Yup, there it is," Lucy deadpanned.
LORD SLUG: Ah, there's no kill quite like overk- (sees Goku still standing) Huh? How did I miss him? I shot him point blank!
GOKU: (reveals he blocked the blast with his arms as one of his wristbands fall off) I love you, lucky wristbands.
"I want wristbands like those," Natsu looked down at his own.
"Maybe I should get some like those made," Erza pondered.
LORD SLUG: COME HERE! (stretches one arm at Goku, who leaps up and lands on it)
GOKU: (while running up Lord Slug's arm) Running, running, running, running, FACE! (blasts Lord Slug in the face)
"Nice shot!" Elfman pumped his large fist..
LORD SLUG: Raah! (fall on the ground) Yah! (fires eye beams)
GOKU: (narrowly dodges eye beams) Whoa, hot!
LORD SLUG: GET OVER HERE! (stretches one arm and grabs Goku)
GOKU: (as Lord Slug holds him with both hands) Now, I know what you're thinkin', "Should I crush him?" And the answer may surprise you. (Lord Slug crushes him and squeaks) Aah!
"The squeak is back," Mira giggled.
"The humor in it is back," Lisanna smiled.
LORD SLUG: Huh? What the? (crushes Goku four more times, who squeaks each time) This is amazing!
GOKU: Why does everyone laugh when they do that? That's my ribs crushing my lungs! (squeaks again as Lord Slug crushes him) Augh!
LORD SLUG: (chuckles)
"Because it's funny," Gajeel laughed.
PICCOLO: Hey. (LORD SLUG: Huh?) Name's Piccolo. (is shown on Lord Slug's head grabbing both his antennas) Nice to meet ya. I've got your antennae. Whatcha gonna do now? (Lord Slug grabs him) Aha! I knew you'd do that! Now for part two of my master plan! (rips off both his ears) AAAAAAAUGH!
"That looked extremely painful," Happy winced, reaching for his own ears in confort.
LORD SLUG: The hell is wrong with everyone on this planet?
"They're all insane," Lucy answered.
"Like us," Natsu smiled.
"Yup, just like us," Lucy smiled.
PICCOLO: GOHAN! I NEED YOU TO DO THAT THING THAT REALLY ANNOYS ME!
GOHAN: You mean...talk?
Levy slapped a hand over Gajeel's mouth before he could make a smart remark. He glares at her until she points over at the dark aura emanating from Mira. Gajeel nods his head swiftly and turns back to the screen.
PICCOLO: WHAAAT? YOU KNOW, THAT THING YOU WERE DOING EARLIER TODAY! IT REALLY GOT ON MY NERVES!
GOHAN: I don't recall, Mr. Picco-
PICCOLO: WHAAAT? HE HASN'T LOOSENED HIS GRIP YET, SO YOU'RE PROBABLY NOT DOING IT! REMEMBER? BACK AT THE WATERFALL! YOU WERE DOING IT WITH YOUR MOUTH! (pause) WHAAAT?
GOHAN: Oh. Whistle. (starts whistling the opening theme to "The Andy Griffith Show")
LORD SLUG: (laughs but hears Gohan's whistling) What the-? Oh, my God... Oh, my God... (falls down on his hands and knees) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Aaah! It's like one drill in one ear, and another drill in the other ear, AND THEY'RE MEETING IN THE MIDDLE!
"That same analogy," Carla complained.
PICCOLO: (thinking) Gotta get closer to Goku... Give him my energy... Probably should have stretched my arms... Got it! (grabs Goku's hand and transfers his energy)
GOKU: (wakes up) What...happened?
PICCOLO: WHAAAT?! (falls over)
Cue basic audience laugh track.
LORD SLUG: (gets up and drops Piccolo) That's it! Time for the universal mute button! (tries to blast Gohan, but hits his ship instead) Oh, balls. That was my ship. (turns around and sees Goku) And why are you still ALIVE?!
GOKU: Kaio-Ken! (powers up to Kaio-Ken)
LORD SLUG: Kaio-
Levy raises a finger.
PICCOLO: (off-screen) WHAAAT?!
The Solid Script Mage lowered her finger. "I'll take it," She said.
(Goku flies up and bursts straight through Lord Slug's torso, causing him to scream and fall on his ship)
GOKU: Now I must go. My planet needs me. (flies up through the dark cloud and sings to himself while raising both arms in the sky) Sun, sun, Mr. Golden Sun. Kill my enemies! (finishes gathering energy for the Spirit Bomb)
"Goku's a good singer," Wendy smiled.
"Better than Gajeel," Natsu laughed, until a metal fist bashed him in the back of the head.
The fire dragon slayer jumped up and looked for who hit him. Not seeing any guilty faces in front of him, making Natsu pout angrily as he sat back down.
LORD SLUG: (flies up through the clouds) If I die, I'm taking you with me!
GOKU: SEE YOU IN HFIL! (throws the Spirit Bomb down on Lord Slug)
LORD SLUG: AAAAAAUUUGH! (get engulfed by the Spirit Bomb and hits the satellite) WHY DIDN'T I WISH FOR IMMORTALITYYYYYYYYYYY?!
"Because we don't have Dead Zone to throw you in," Levy answered.
(following the destruction of the satellite, the terra-freezing process is reversed and the dark clouds disappears, restoring the Earth's peaceful atmosphere)
GOKU: Now that I've defeated King Piccolo, I can wish back Chiaotzu, Master Roshi and Krillin. (looks up in the sky and smiles)
"W-what…." Everyone questioned.
PICCOLO: (off-screen) WHAAAT?!
Everyone laughed at Piccolo's scream.
("Stupify" by Disturbed starts playing as the ending credits roll)
NAPPA: Yo, dawg. It's the year 2000! It's time for another Nappa cover, cause this sh*t don't get old! I've been waiting my whole life for just one...
PICCOLO: WHAAAT?!
NAPPA: All I needed was just one...
PICCOLO: WHAAAT?!
NAPPA: How could ya say that I don't give a...
PICCOLO: WHAAAT?!
NAPPA: Find myself stupefied, coming back again.
PICCOLO: WHAAAT?!
NAPPA: I get stupified. I get stupified.
The audience is once again consumed by laughter.
(Screen goes black and reads "6 Months Previous". A letter is shown being written and read by its author)
GURU: (reading his letter)
Dear Slug,
It is I, your other half, writing to you from our home planet. It has been many years since I banished you from it after we split from the same being. How are you doing? I'm doing great. I've got my own servant. Do you have a servant? Mine's name is Nail. He's kind of a tool...for my amusement. By the way, if you're looking for a good time, hit up Earth, I hear they've got DragonBalls there. You could probably take them over, too, their defenses probably suuuck. Well, time for my sponge bath. Keep in touch!
Sincerely,
Your Evil Half.
"Wait...evil half?" Everyone asked.
(looks up) Naaaail! Come and maaaail this for me.
NAIL: Sir, we don't have a mail system.
GURU: Nail, gather the DragonBalls.
"Well, that was a fun one," Lisanna clapped her hands together.
"Watching these are so addicting! It's just so MANLY!" Elfman ripped his shirt off and flexed.
Her elder sister moved up to the stage. "I think that's enough for a while," Mira deactivated the lacrama.
Natsu and Happy groaned in protest. Lucy grabbed the two and dragged them towards the request board. "We can watch more later, for now let's do some jobs," Lucy told them.
"We should get going too," Gajeel, Levy, and Lily moved to exit the guild.
Wendy walked over to Erza. "Would you like to do some jobs with me and Carla," She asked.
Erza smiled and got up on her feed. "I would love to," Erza responded.
"I should get moving too," Gray said as he walked out of the guild butt naked. Juvia rushed after Gray with his clothes in her arms. "My darling Gray! Your clothes!" The water mage shouted.
Chapter End