Chapter 21: A Rose By Any Other Namek
(scene cuts to an outside view of a mirror spaceship, where Krillin and Gohan are inside and surrounded at gunpoint by a group of space orphans)
"How did everything already go to shit?" Laxus rubbed his forehead.
CUTTER: So, Freeza sent you to follow us, huh? Looks like he wasn't satisfied with just our planet!
"Frieza?" The Thunder Legion asked, confused.
"He's some intergalactic tyrant that we haven't seen yet," Levy explained.
KRILLIN: Who the hell is Freeza-
CUTTER: Shut up! There's no way we can let you people live! Not after what you did to our planet, our families!
(Space orphans cheer)
CUTTER: (while aiming a gun at Krillin) And now, for you crimes against our people...
KRILLIN: Okay seriously, we have no idea what-
CUTTER: WE SENTENCE YOU TO DEATH!
"They're not even letting them explain," Makarov shakes his head in disbelief.
"You have to feel bad for them though," Wendy brought up.
KRILLIN: Uhhh, isn't that a little…
CUTTER: Men! Ready your blasters!
(many weapons are heard cocking)
KRILLIN: Gohan, this may be it. Close your eyes!
"But, bullets don't hurt you guys…" Lucy said.
CUTTER: Aim! FIRE!
(a shot is fired at Krillin's head, which shows to have no effect)
KRILLIN: Oh... Huh...
CUTTER: Oh, my God! Freeza's men are stronger than we thought! Everyone! Take your cyanide tablets!
"Wait what?" Levy shook her head quickly.
KRILLIN: But we told you, we don't know any Freeza-
(Space orphans drop dead one by one)
"WHY!?" Everyone shouted.
KRILLIN: (completely shocked at what just happened) I... uh... uh…
GOHAN: (eyes still closed) Krillin, can I open my eyes now?
"No," Mira quickly replied.
KRILLIN: Just get back to the ship, Gohan.
GOHAN: But I can't see.
KRILLIN: JUST GET BACK TO THE SHIP!
[OPENING SEQUENCE]
(scene cuts to the spaceship flying through outer space)
KRILLIN: (in his thoughts) Krillin's log, stardate... uh... November 28th. We've been flying for two weeks now. Starting to feel very pent up. Not just for being trapped on the ship of course, but from Bulma walking around in nothing but her underwear! I would relieve this tension, but I've had no alone time as the toilet (out loud) KEEPS SCREAMING AT ME!
TOILET: Scheiße auf meinem gesicht!
"I already have to deal with Natsu's unintelligible words, I wouldn't be able to take that toilet," Gray said and ducked under a flaming fist.
"SAY THAT AGAIN!" Natsu roared back. Erza quickly forced Natsu back into his seat, so they could continue watching.
KRILLIN: I'm not sure how much longer I can last…
BULMA: Krillin, are you saying something?
The perverts in the guild whistle at Bulma's half nudity.
KRILLIN: Nothing! (under his breath) Goddamn c*cktease.
BULMA: Huh? You guys! You wouldn't believe it, but I see planet Namek!
"Already?" Macao asked.
"Honestly thought this would take longer," Bickslow said.
KRILLIN: Wait, how the hell do you know it's planet Name... (sees a giant neon sign that says "Planet Namek") Huh. Well, what do you know? Bring us in for a landing, Bulma.
"That looks way too suspicious to be true," Freed sighed.
BULMA: (puts on her spacesuit) Yeah, um, about that...
KRILLIN: About what?
BULMA: Did I mention I don't really know how to land this thing?
"And she's the smart one?" Gajeel reiterates.
"Again, it's not like it was properly explained to her," Levy told him.
KRILLIN: Uh... Seat-belts, Gohan! (Gohan quickly straps in his seat-belt)
(The spaceship drops down into the planet, with the word "Fake" briefly lighting up on the neon sign above "Planet Namek")
(scene cuts to the spaceship plowing through a wooded area, with Bulma, Krillin, and Gohan screaming, until it nearly stops short of falling off a cliff)
KRILLIN: See? This is why women shouldn't drive!
The females all glare at Krillin for the rude comment.
BULMA: Oh, right. This coming from the Asian!
"And I'm pretty sure that's racist," Lily said.
GOHAN: Well, I'm half-Saiyan, what does that make me?
"Don't join in, child," Carla sighed.
BULMA and KRILLIN: FIVE!
(the ship tips forward and drops over the cliff, with everyone screaming before the screen goes black)
(scene changes to an outside view of a "Namakian" house with Bulma, Krillin, and Gohan sleeping in a bed)
ZAACRO: Uh, are you sure they're okay? They've been out for a long time.
"So that's what an Namekian looks like," Freed noted.
"They look weird," Evergreen said.
"Kinda racist," Elfman said, before quickly shutting up seeing her glare.
RAITI: Of course I'm sure they're okay! Now just follow the plan!
ZAACRO: We had a plan?
RAITI: Of course we have the plan, stupid! To take their ship, and get off this stupid rock. (Bulma starts to wake up) Oh crap, they're waking up! Act natural, act natural!
"Oh, so they're not actually Namekians," Levy pointed out.
"Well, they do at least look like them," Gajeel told her.
ZAACRO: Hi.
RAITI: Hiii!
ZAACRO: Welcome to Namek!
RAITI: Yeah, Namek!
ZAACRO: Totally.
RAITI: We're totally Namekers.
"They couldn't even get the name correct," Gray said.
BULMA: You mean Namekians?
RAITI: Yeah, those guys. That's us!
"You'd have to be Goku stupid to fall for this," Gajeel said. Everyone in the guild eyes turned to Natsu, but only for a quick second.
ZAACRO: So, uh, what brings you to, like, our planet?
RAITI: Which is Namek.
"You're laying it on a bit too thick," Romeo said.
BULMA: Well, we're here to search for the Dragon Balls.
RAITI: Eww! That's disgusting! Why would you-
ZAACRO: I think they mean the ones that grant wishes.
RAITI: Oh yeah, we totally have those! The wish-granting balls…
"Should've given them away immediately," Laxus pointed out.
BULMA: Oh. Well, if you wouldn't mind helping us look for them.
RAITI: Oh yeah, we'll help you find the ball dragons.
ZAACRO: (off-screen) Dragon Balls.
RAITI: Yeah that one. Hey Zaacro.
ZAACRO: What?
RAITI: We should totally help them find them, and then we'll take them and then we'll make our wish for ourselves!
"But, this isn't actually Namek, so how would that be possible?" Lily said.
ZAACRO: Uh, ours don't actually grant any wishes. I think we made that up. Did we make that up?
RAITI: What? No... Why would we make that up?
ZAACRO: Well, 'cause, like ya told me when we read their minds that we wanted their ship so we could get off this planet.
RAITI: That's... that's... no... that's just no. We would never do that, dude. Come on, not cool.
GOHAN: Krillin, do these two seem off to you?
"The 5-year old noticed something wrong while the two adults didn't," Carla sighed.
"To be fair, Gohan has always been more observant than others," Lisanna said.
KRILLIN: I like 'em!
"Of course you do," Lucy sighed.
RAITI: Time to find the Dragon Balls!
(scene shifts to an outside shot of Freeza Planet 218 and then inside with Vegeta in a healing tank)
"That looks cool," Happy smiled.
DR. BIRDENHEIM: Yeah, he landed here a few days ago. He was pretty messed up, I'll tell ya what.
RUDY: But, what happened to his partner?
DR. BIRDENHEIM: Well that's the screwed-up part. They say he killed his partner and that his ghost still haunts him to this very day.
"I really don't pity him at all," Lucy said.
RUDY: What? Really?
DR. BIRDENHEIM: No! What are you, stupid? We're doctors! Scientists! Now inject this man with some science! Delicious, magical, science!
VEGETA: (thinking) Gotta... get... out of here... Gotta... get to... Namek... Gotta... get the... Dragon Balls... God... dammit... Nappa!
"We're gonna get more of Vegeta, is that a bad thing?" Lisanna asked.
"For the characters? Yeah probably," Gajeel answered.
GHOST NAPPA: You were saying... saying... saying...
(Vegeta's muffled screams are heard)
DR. BIRDENHEIM: My God! We have to get him out of there! His heart rocket is skyrating!
"You have that backwards doc," Canna said.
RUDY: Uh, don't you mean his heart rate...
DR. BIRDENHEIM: Dammit, man, I'm a doctor, not an English teacher! (fluid drains out of the healing tank) Good to see you're awake, Vegeta. We have to apologize, though. We... couldn't save your tail.
"Weird, considering Gohan's grew back," Mira said.
"I'm guessing it might just do with age," Levy tried to reason.
VEGETA: (putting on his armor) It's alright. I can live without it.
DR. BIRDENHEIM: If you call that living. You'd walk around a shell of your former self, everyone calling you a "tail-less freak"!
"So he wants to die?" Gajeel asked, knowing where the scene is going.
VEGETA: ...You know, I could probably kill all of you and Freeza wouldn't care.
DR. BIRDENHEIM: Yeah, but that still wouldn't get your tail back.
"Yeah, he doesn't care," Gray said.
VEGETA: (now smiling) ...Tell me something, which is your favorite internal organ?
DR. BIRDENHEIM: What a odd question! But if I had to choose I guess I have to say my liver. (Vegeta's shadow approaches Dr. Birdenheim)
(scene cuts away to two soldiers as Dr. Birdenheim's painful scream is heard off-screen. Vegeta is seen walking past the two soldiers.)
VEGETA: (thinking) You know, it's the simple things in life.
CUI: Hey there, Vegeta.
"He already annoys me," Gajeel stated.
VEGETA: Speaking of simple, what is it, Cui?
CUI: Where are you off to in such a hurry?
VEGETA: Off to plow your mother!
"Creative," Erza rolled her eyes.
CUI: Ha! Shows what you know, Vegeta. We reproduce asexually.
"I didn't need that mental image," Laxus gagged.
VEGETA: Gross, out of my way. (begins to walk past Cui)
CUI: (grabs Vegeta shoulder) Off to Namek are we?
"How would he?" Juvia asked.
VEGETA: ...Come again?
CUI: We heard about the Dragon Balls. We know the Namekians made them and Freeza is way ahead of you.
VEGETA: What?! How?!
CUI: The scouter was on the entire time.
VEGETA: That's impossible! My transmitter was off the entire time! Whose scouter was- (suddenly realizes that there was only one person who accompanied him to Earth)
The guild comes up with the exact same realization at the same moment and promptly burst into laughter.
(cuts to Vegeta in a space pod, how having a scouter, on his way to Planet Namek)
VEGETA: GODDAMMIT NAPPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
(scene shifts to "Planet Namek" where Bulma is seen holding the Dragon Radar)
BULMA: Wow, you guys. We've already found two Dragon Balls.
KRILLIN: Wow! This usually takes us, like... months.
"The last four movies would like to disagree," Levy said.
RAITI: That's because you're on the planet Namek. Everything's better up here. You should totally stay here... forever. While we take your ship.
KRILLIN: What?
RAITI: Oh, look it's another Dragon Ball in the lake. You should go get it!
"Perfect distraction," Bickslow laughed.
(shows the ship flying over a giant skeleton)
KRILLIN: Is that a giant skeleton?
RAITI: Oh come on, dude. What are you, chicken? Don't you want to have awesome adventures? On the planet Namek? With the Dragon Balls? And the awesome musical montage?
("Gotta Find That Dragon Ball!" theme song plays while the group is shown finding five Dragon Balls)
"Good music, but considering the situation…" Lucy dragged out.
RAITI: Hey, wasn't that fun?
ZAACRO: Yeah, it was... woo...
KRILLIN: Hey, um, I've been meaning to ask you guys. Where are all the other Namekians?
"Now you notice," Carla facepalmed.
RAITI: Oh, they're around. Don't even pretend you didn't see them.
ZAACRO: Yeah, we passed them like, three times.
RAITI: Didn't you see Steve?
ZAACRO: He waved!
RAITI: Don't diss Steve.
ZAACRO: Yeah, don't do that.
RAITI: He has social phobias.
"I feel bad for Steve," Wendy frowned.
"He's not real," Romeo told her.
"Doesn't mean I can't feel bad," Wendy shot back.
BULMA: Come on, you guys! We only have one more Dragon Ball left! Then we can wish back our friends!
"Stop being stupid," Evergreen snapped.
"Really making me think Goku's not the only dumb one," Macao said.
RAITI: What? No! We can't let you do that!
ZAACRO: Yeaaah. We- What?
RAITI: See, we can't let you have the Dragon Balls. They're our Dragon Balls! We will take them and we will make our wish for ourselves! And then, you suck our three-foot long Schwanzstuckes!
"What?" Everyone asked.
KRILLIN: Your what?
ZAACRO: Our- our wangs.
"Oh," Lucy wrinkled her nose in disgust.
RAITI: It's funny because "wang" means penis.
KRILLIN/Natsu: Wait a minute! Namekians don't HAVE penises!
"THAT'S WHAT TIPS YOU OFF!?" Everyone shouted at Natsu.
RAITI: What?! What are you talking about?! Of course we do!
ZAACRO: Uhh, actually, I, uh, read their minds... and I don't think we do.
KRILLIN: You guys aren't Namekians at all!
"Liars," The Fire Dragon Slayer glared at the screen.
"I should've expected this," Lucy sighed at Natsu's obliviousness.
(scene shows Raiti and Zaacro in their true forms)
"Ew," Everyone said.
RAITI: Oh look what you've done, Zaacro! Why do you have to go and mess this up? Blow our cover.
ZAACRO: Okay, I did not do that. Did I do that?
RAITI: Well you must have 'cause I would never do anything that stupid.
ZAACRO: Well, there was that one time... when you got mad at those two guys... who just wanted to play a children's card game. And you made us chase after them... then we ended up crashing here... on this planet.
"That makes just as much sense as the plot of this series," Freed said.
RAITI: Why did you have to bring that up? Open those wounds... You know what? Screw it. Just summon the tentacle monsters.
ZAACRO: Oh, all right. Umm, tentacle monsters... heeeere. (roaring sounds are heard from a lake) Okay, I think that did it.
RAITI: Hah! Now soon, you will deal with the many protruding tentacles of the violating tentacle monster.
Lucy was the only one in the audience to shiver.
KRILLIN: Don't worry, Bulma! I'll protect you!
RAITI: I was talking to you, baldy.
KRILLIN: Wait, wha- (tentacle monster grab Krillin's leg) Oh! (tentacle monster grabs Krillin's neck and starts pulling him away) No! No! No not there! (Raiti and Zaacro are seen smiling) Whoa, God! Help me! Help! Aaaaugh-
"Why do I relate to that so much," Lucy whispered to herself.
(scene shifts to Krillin waking up from inside the spaceship, screaming and taking deep breaths)
KRILLIN: (thinking) Oh God... Oh... Oh man... That was... that was terrifying…
"So, it was just Krillin being a freak," Gray summed up.
MR. POPO: (shows up next to Krillin) I'll say.
Everybody screamed in shock.
(scene shifts KaiserNeko waking up, startled and looking around)
KAISERNEKO: Oh, man. I have got to stop editing so late.
(his computer screen goes black, before Popo's face appears on it)
MR. POPO: I'll say.
(KaiserNeko starts screaming)
Everyone promptly screamed again.
[ENDING SEQUENCE]
"That was really weird," Levy said. Nobody knew how to explain that last scene.
[STINGER]
(scene shifts to Planet Namek with the camera panning up to Guru's House)
NAIL: (walks up to Guru) Lord Guru.
GURU: Huh?
NAIL: I have terrible news. Someone has attacked the planet.
"Freezer," Natsu said.
GURU: This is very serious. I must put on my war face. Hm! There, now show me yours.
(Nail shows a serious face)
GURU: Needs work.
Natsu and Happy laughed at Guru's judgement.
Chapter End