Hey everyone! So it's definitely been a while since I last updated but being a full-time college student I got pretty busy the past couple of months. Anyway, now that I'm officially on Spring Break I was able to finish this chapter out and will hopefully get another one up before the end of next week. Let me know what you guys think. Any feedback is much appreciated.

Chapter 3: I Can't Let You In Yet

When I lay this burden down

Who's gonna take it up for me

When you run me in the ground

That's the day you will see

For all I've done I'm alone

Just for a moment, could I not be strong?

~ Burden Down by Jennifer Hudson

Andy slept well into the mid afternoon, waking up only when she couldn't bear to rest any further. Though her body had turned off out of sheer exhaustion her mind continued to race. What was she doing with her life?

Here she was almost six months since the last happy moment she had shared with her husband. They had barely communicated despite her attempts to get his attention and the most she saw of him was when their stations worked together on large-scale calls. Of course they were focused on the job so they would only spare a couple glances of one another, but that was it.

Months later and she was still wearing the shirt of a man that still hadn't taken the time to hear her side of the story. Who told her he loved her and wanted to spend a lifetime with her but had written her off without a second thought during the most stressful time of her life. They had both made mistakes and she certainly wasn't proud of her actions in the days leading up to Robert's surgery but hadn't it been long enough for them to move on.

She loved him so much and wanted to find a way to make their relationship work but she was so tired of being the only one fighting for them. Glancing towards her nightstand she picked up the only photo she kept on it. It was of the two of them kissing on their wedding day. Her father had taken it, a smile beaming across his face as he watched his only daughter marry the man of her dreams. A dream that lasted less than two months.

Instead of being filled with joy at the sight of the photo, only one word rang through Andy's head.

Divorce.

As the days passed, the thought of divorcing Robert crossed her mind more and more. A divorce would take them out of the limbo state they were living in. She had once told him that she felt safest with him and he had told her that he wanted to live a long and healthy life by her side. But he had shut her out for months. Would it be enough if he ever became willing to try again? Could she even wait that long?

Thinking about what to do with Robert was a never ending loop and she needed to get her mind off of him. Walking into her living room, the boxes she shuddered at the sight of her belongings that still remained unpacked. Six months into her new life and there they still stood.

A part of her still tried to believe that if she never unpacked her things her life would return to normal. Before finding the photos of her estranged aunt and cousin her relationship with Robert was stable. In the wake of her father's death he stood by her side and helped her work through the insurmountable grief that was swallowing her whole. But finding those pictures had driven an irreversible wedge between them, sending her into a downward spiral. Coupled with Robert's surgery soon after and his addiction it was a recipe for disaster. Maybe they hadn't ever actually made each other happy and were just two lost people who clung to each other for support.

And of course she hadn't stopped there. Having fallen so far she'd also come to hurt the only family she had left and now it looked as if they would never be friends again. They couldn't even be civil with one another for a few hours and it was only the first day of 19's stay at 23. She didn't know what the next month was going to have in store for her but she could already tell it wouldn't be good.

Opening up the first box she found all of the items you would expect. Some of her old dance outfits, her father's jumpers, and even a half empty bottle of his favorite body spray. Moving along she didn't see anything out of the ordinary until she got to the bottom of the fifth box and found stacks of photos from her childhood. Photos that she never remembered seeing before.

They all spanned over the first nine years of her life from her christening, third birthday party, preschool graduation, first day of fourth grade, and even the last day she had spent with her mother before her fake death. She figured her father had kept these hidden from her as they contained images of her mother and he didn't want to upset her further.

Lining the photos up one after the other on the coffee table something odd stood out to her. In all of the photos there was a man she had no recollection of ever having met. His skin was tan in color, similar to her own. He had short curly locks of hair pulled behind his face and a radiant smile that proudly displayed his perfect white teeth and dimples. He couldn't have been any older than her parents, his facial features giving away his youthful age.

However, looking at herself in the photos she was shocked. After age 3 she noticed that she had no smile in any of the photos. Her face was emotionless, nothing being conveyed through her eyes that pierced as cold as the night sky. All held the same expression except for the image of her ninth birthday where she could clearly see the man's hand squeezing her shoulders as her face was pinched in pain. Tracing her fingers over the image she felt a shiver run down her spine and her breath caught in the back of her throat.

For a split second a memory of him came to her mind.

"Will you do this for me amorcita?"

Andy didn't know what to say. "I don't…"

He pushed again. "You'll do this for me and keep it a secret okay. Right? You've got to trust me okay. I promise you'll like it."

Of course Andy trusted him. He was always there for her, like a second father figure. Especially with the long hours her actual papi worked. At the same time though it didn't feel right to do what he was asking of her. But she trusted him.

"Vale!"

As soon as the memory had come it was gone and Andy was left with a heavy unsettling feeling in her chest. Who the hell was this man? Was he a friend of her parents? Another family member she had forgotten about after her mother left? He was a man she didn't recognize and yet her body felt like she did. Needing to know who he was, she tore through the remaining boxes searching for clues. The only useful item she found was a small black journal filled with the writing of her mother, but without a name, it would be useless in helping her to discern who the man was.

Thinking about him and who he might be made her skin crawl. She had a very bad feeling about what she might discover. The last time she had felt like this was when she saw her aunt's birthday cards and learned the truth of her mother's disappearance.

Her brain was telling her to put the journal and photos away. Hell to even just throw them out and forget they ever existed. Snuffy's words ringed in her ears. Look, kid… don't go picking at scabs unless you want to bleed.

He had begged her to let her father rest in peace. But she didn't listen to him. And all uncovering her family's secrets got her in the end was pain. Sure it had brought her back to tia Sandra, tio Johnny, and prima Michelle but it had indivertibly cost her Robert and Station 19. Or maybe she'd always been heading towards losing them. After all, she had a track record of sabotaging everything good in her life. She'd done it with the captain's race anyhow.

But even as her mind screamed at her to stop her gut was telling her she needed to figure out who he was. She knew she wouldn't be able to stop until she got down to the bottom of it. She just hoped the truth wouldn't destroy her.

As Andy continued attempting to recall who the mystery man could be, Dan, Deja, and Theo arrived outside her apartment door, taking their time to inspect the property. The walls were so thin they could hear the howling wind from outside and with each step the floorboards creaked. "Herrera couldn't have picked a nicer spot to live in," Dan said. "I swear she found the most run down building in all of Seattle."

"Unless she never saved a penny in her life she could get something way better than this dump," Deja responded.

Theo shrugged his shoulders. "Don't ask me. I certainly wouldn't choose to live here."

Before he could knock, Andy opened the door, staring all three of them down. "Wow! I invite you over and the first thing you three do is complain about the place."

"Well hello to you too Andy," Theo replied as they walked in. "It's not our fault your building is a walking fire disaster waiting to happen."

Andy rolled her eyes at him. "This place isn't that bad."

Deja scoffed at Andy's retort. "You literally heard our entire conversation from behind the door and you don't think that's a problem."

Walking further in, they got a better view of the inside of Andy's apartment. In just a few hours she had covered the entire living room and parts of the kitchen with her father's belongings.

"What the hell did you do! It's like a freaking tornado ran through here." Their shock at the mess was an understatement. Andy was many things but messy wasn't one of them. In the six months she had been at 23 her bunk was always impeccable and her uniform clean. Hell she was the main reason why their comrades had started washing their uniforms on a daily basis.

With a sigh, Andy told them everything she had discovered, choosing to omit the dread and fear that filled her body when she looked at the mysterious man's face. She didn't want them to think she was crazy, or at least not too crazy. Her life story was already filled with enough drama for a telenovela.

Shocked at her revelation, all three firefighters sat back, taking a moment to collect their thoughts.

"So you think he was another member of your extended family that you forgot? Like your aunt and cousin?" Deja questioned, moving to take a closer look at the photos Andy had laid on the coffee table.

"I think so," Andy replied. "It's either that or he was a very close family friend. He's in a photo from every single one of the most important moments of my childhood. Like this photo taken at my fifth birthday party or this one over here that came from a reunion barbecue out in Discovery Park with my grandparents before their passing."

This time Theo jumped in. "But you don't have any memories of him at all?"

Andy's face fell into deep contemplation at Theo's words. She didn't know what she remembered about him. She had always prided herself on how well she remembered her childhood, but uncovering her mother's secrets had led to realize she had lost so many memories from the first 9 years of her life.

Six months later and she still couldn't wrap her head around how she could have forgotten such large chunks of her life. Sandra, Johnny, and cousin Michelle hadn't just been relatives she saw around the holidays or on special occasions. They were inseparable from one another. And from the photos she guessed the mystery man had once formed an integral part of their family as well.

But every time she tried to reach back into her mind her thoughts came up blank. Meredith had explained it to her while she was waiting for her husband to get out of surgery.

"The brain is an amazing machine. If there's an event or a loss that's too traumatic, it has a way of walling itself off so you can survive the trauma. And here come the memories. They come back in fragments and little puzzle pieces that then you have to put together. And when that happens, that hurts."

She was only on the surface of what had happened and already she felt like she was treading through water, barely able to come up for a breath of fresh air.

"All I know is that I spent 20 years in the dark about my history and I'm tired of living surrounded by secrets. I want to know the truth of my own story."

Stopping for a second to gather her thoughts Andy continued. "My gut is telling me that he was someone important in my life. And I think this man might be the final missing piece to explain my mother's disappearance."

Dan, Deja and Theo looked at each other. They knew it would be impossible to dissuade Andy. Her stubbornness had been clear from the first day they had all met her. But they were afraid of what the search could do to her. She'd only barely started to move forward with her life and she had been quite happy the past few weeks considering the circumstances. What she might find on this wild goose chase could ruin that for her. All they could really do was support her and hope the fallout wasn't more than she could handle.

Andy leaned back into the couch. "And I have a plan to figure out who he is, but I'm going to need your help."

It had been 48 hours since Station 19 began their stay at 23 and to say the team was not enjoying themselves would be an understatement. Their less than warm welcome had only gotten worse after Andy's early dismissal. For the remainder of shift, 23 all but ignored them and as soon as their 12 hours were over they got out as fast as they could. Yesterday they regrouped at Dean's and decided that the best course of action going forward was to stay out of 23's way, especially Andy.

For the past hour, the members of Station 19 had been sitting in the back section of the beanery, doing their best to tune out Maddox and Barnes' condescending backtalk. Robert was sipping his cup of coffee at the far end of the table, removed a bit from the rest.

Even though 19 had banded around Robert after Andy's move to 23, he still didn't feel like a true member of the team. They talked with him and included him during shifts but he'd only joined them a few times after work for drinking. They even had a small houseboat party last week, but it all felt wrong. The only person he wanted to hang out with was Andy. Everything was a fucking mess to put it lightly.

Out of the corner of his eye he caught Ruiz walking into the room as he whispered something to Maddox. Not being the most subtle person, Maddox glanced rather obviously towards the back of the room, signaling to Robert that they were gossipping about them again. After a few moments Barnes, Maddox, and Ruiz walked out the beanery and taking this as his cue he moved to grab some food now that the kitchen island had been vacated. He needed to stretch his legs since he'd forgotten to do his PT stretches that morning so he decided a quick walk around the station couldn't hurt. He wouldn't chance going to the gym without backup.

As he moved to turn the corner he overheard the hushed voices of 23, which now included Duval and Andy. He'd never been one for eavesdropping, but his curiosity got the best of him.

"Herrera, this is the dumbest idea I've ever heard. And you've done some really ridiculous things," Barnes scoffed.

"Listen, are you in or not. Nobody's forcing you to help out if you don't want to."

A few moments passed before Barnes sighed. "Fine. But you're taking the fall if this goes south." Andy nodded her head in agreement, thankful to have the support of her team.

Robert watched from behind the corner as Duval knocked on Aquino's door. Duval asked for the captain's help in locating a missing fire hose. She expressed concern that D shift had forgotten to pack it properly and the other lieutenant's had no idea where it could be. Though this work was way below his title, Aquino had a soft spot for the probie so he agreed and the two walked down towards the fire trucks. Waiting a few seconds, Andy and Ruiz walked into the captain's office, with Maddox and Barnes taking post outside the door to look out. To say Robert was confused was an understatement.

Meanwhile Andy and Theo got to work. They had strategically waited until the captain had started work for the day so his computer was already unlocked for them to use. After that it was easy work to get into SFD's online database, which held records of every firefighter who worked for the city, dating back to the 1980s. Upon closer inspection of the photos, Andy noticed that the mysterious man was wearing a firefighter jacket with the insignia of station 19 on it. She deduced that he must have worked with her father, explaining his presence at their family functions. Though many people had come and gone from the station over the years, they could easily narrow down the timeframe to be from her birth to her mother's disappearance — meaning they only had to comb through 9 years of records.

The first three years were a bust, but as they were about to move on Dan popped his head in the doorway, motioning that Aquino was coming back. Theo moved to grab Andy's hand but she refused to budge. Realizing that Andy wasn't going to move, Dan intercepted Aquino at the top of the stairs to tell him there was an urgent situation in the bathroom. Aquino relented, even though he found it ridiculous that his lieutenant couldn't handle whatever the problem was on his own.

Inside the office, Andy and Theo continued their search, finding him at last. Lieutenant Fernández. Pleased that she finally had a name for the mysterious man, Andy was about to hit the print button when Aquino's voice reverberated in the room as he shouted at Maddox for having wasted his time. Andy froze in place, while Theo grabbed her and pulled them into the back of the captain's bunk, repositioning the door to be slightly ajar as it had been left. They were toast. All Aquino had to do was look at his computer to realize somebody had been using his computer without permission. However, seconds before Aquino made it around his desk, another firefighter called out to him.

"Sir, could you come talk to 19 for a moment?"

Andy and Theo were shocked at the person's voice. Was it just a coincidence that he had miraculously captured the captain's attention seconds before what would have meant the end of their careers.

"Of course Sullivan. Let's go right now." With that, the two set out for the beanery.

Not wanting to risk almost being caught again, Andy quickly finished printing the info they needed and closed the records. Less than 30 seconds later they were out of the office. Since they knew Aquino had gone to the beanery with 19 the rest of 23 regrouped in the gym. Andy thanked them all for helping her out and with that they went their separate ways. Placing the papers in her bunk, Andy moved to get started on her assigned chores for the day when she saw Robert approaching her. She moved to walk away but he was too quick and grabbed her arm, pulling her into the empty turnout room.

He gave her an inquisitive look. "Why were you in Aquino's office?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." She attempted to deflect but he wasn't having any of it.

"Don't play dumb with me Andy. I saw you and Theo go into the captain's office to do something on his computer."

She released her hand from his grip. "Well whatever we did it's none of your business."

"Andy, I covered for you back there. If it weren't for me you'd be walking on your way out of this station without a job."

"And truly I'm thankful that you did. But I don't owe you any explanation. You've made it abundantly clear in the past that you don't want to hear what I have to say. Why would it be any different now?"

Robert looked down in shame. Everything Andy was saying was right. She had hurt him but he hadn't been willing to talk to her when she'd asked. "I… look I know I don't have any moral high ground here, but I want to make things right between us."

This is what Andy had been wanting for months. A chance to make things right with Robert and her team. But what if she let them in and they hurt her again.

"You want to make things right between us because you have to work here with me. If you wanted to fix things between us you'd have reached out before. If I mattered to you at all you never would have done what you did."

Before Robert could get in another word Andy walked out of the room. Not wanting to run into any of her former or current teammates she ran to her bunk. She felt what she knew were tears spring into her eyes. She hated who she had become. Somebody who was reduced to tears by a man. By people who had never seen her as a friend like she'd seen them. Were they only nice to me because my father was their captain? That thought hurt her soul. But she couldn't let it get to her.

She decided to take a few minutes to compose herself before heading back out. Grabbing the papers she had printed she began to look them over. As her eyes scanned the pages nothing was standing out about the guy. He seemed to be an everyday firefighter. No disciplinary actions and nothing but stellar reviews from the captain and chief. He'd joined Station 19 at the same time as her father, on the B-shift instead of on A, which while interesting, wasn't very revealing. But as her eyes trailed to the bottom of the page she felt her heart stop cold.

He was dead. Firefighters died all the time. Danger came with the job and it wasn't unusual that a station would lose a member every few years. But Lieutenant Fernández hadn't died on any random day of the year. He died on May 15, 1998. The same day her mother disappeared.

Cause out here in the darkness

And out of the light

If you get to me too late

Just know that I tried

~ Far From Home (The Raven) by Sam Tinnsez