NOTE: Welcome to 2021 and the Frieza segment finally starts.
Chapter 33: The Best Laid Plans of Saiyans and Nameks
(cuts to Nail and Frieza arriving at a deserted area)
NAIL: (removes his vest) This is my people's sacred battle ground.
FRIEZA: We flew over an hour for this? It looks exactly the same as everywhere else on this godforsaken rock!
NAIL: Hmph. Racist.
"Frieza is the ultimate racist," Levy nods her head.
FRIEZA: Well, maybe so... but I can't quite be a racist against a race that doesn't exist.
"Yes you can," Carla argued.
FRIEZA: Like the Clorfors. Dirty, money-grubbing Clorfors. Tried to clorf me right out of my money... Blew those little bastards up is what I did.
"You really are evil!" Happy frowns.
"You're just figuring this out?" Carla's deadpan stare dug into him.
NAIL: HYAAAAAH!
(Nail does a karate chop at Frieza's neck... which has no effect on the tyrant)
"That's very very bad," Juvia looked worried.
"And expected," Gray looked disappointed.
FRIEZA: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know we were starting. Here, allow me.
(Frieza grabs Nail's arm and rips it off)
NAIL: AAAAAAAH!
The audience wince at the scene.
FRIEZA: Looks like someone's going to be missing this! (drops Nail's severed arm)
NAIL: No, not really.
FRIEZA: Hm?
NAIL: HRRRAAAAAH! (regenerates his arm)
"I almost forgot they could do that," Gray said.
"A very useful ability to have," Evergreen complimented, though she was still disgusted.
FRIEZA: Ooh, that looks like it hurts a lot. Are you okay?
NAIL: I'm fine...!
"He's not," Laxus corrected.
"And he will continue to feel worse," Bickslow said.
FRIEZA: Good to know. Yoink! (rips off Nail's arm again)
"That has to hurt a lot," Wendy winced.
"Maybe not as much as his pride right now," Lily spoke.
NAIL: URRRGG...
[OPENING SEQUENCE]
(cuts to Frieza's ship, where Goku is placed inside a healing tank)
GOHAN: So, what exactly is this?
VEGETA: It's a healing tank. This will bring the idiot back to full strength.
"With another power boost to add to the table," Levy mused.
GOKU: (thinking) Heh heh, the bubbles tickle... Heh heh, ow...! It hurts to laugh... Heh heh, ow...! Heh heh, ow...! Heh heh, ow...!
"The best medicine doesn't always feel good," Mira said.
VEGETA: It'll take a while, though. This is the only other model the ship has... And it's kind of an old one.
KRILLIN: What happened to the newer model?
"Mr. Widow's Peak happened," Lucy answered.
VEGETA: Blew it the f**k up.
KRILLIN: What, did it have an opinion?
"Unlike the toilet it couldn't talk," Gajeel said.
VEGETA: Eat me. Now both of you... (in a deep voice) STRIP.
"Ummmmm…" Everyone felt awkward.
KRILLIN: Ummmm...
VEGETA: I've got body armor for you.
"Ah ok, that's better," Mira sighed in relief.
KRILLIN: Less awkward...
(shifts to Gohan and Krillin removing their regular clothes and putting on the Battle Armor)
KRILLIN: You know, Gohan, it just occurred to me.
GOHAN: Yeah, Krillin?
KRILLIN: We're still on Namek.
GOHAN: What do you mean?
KRILLIN: Well, I mean, it feels like we've been here for like, a year.
GOHAN: But we've only been here for six days.
"It's been a week!?" Everyone was shocked by this news.
"You're telling me they almost died multiple times in the span of a week…" Levy's jaw dropped.
"Namek is freaking weird," Laxus mumbled.
KRILLIN: I know, right? Hey, by the way, don't I look like that one guy that Vegeta landed with back on Earth? What was his name again? Hey, Vegeta. What was that one guy's name? Vegeta? Vegeta? Vegeta?
"Please stop," Lucy begged. The flashbacks of Happy and Nappa reappeared in her mind.
(Krillin's head turns into Nappa in Vegeta's imagination)
NAPPA: Vegeta? Vegeta? Vegeta? Vegeta?
VEGETA: Goddammit, Nappa.
KRILLIN: Oh, right! Good ol' Goddamnit, Nappa.
"And he's dead and never coming back," Lucy smiled.
GOHAN: Krillin, we should probably focus on finding a way to use the Dragon Balls.
KRILLIN: Well, there's always Little Green, but...
GOHAN: But what?
KRILLIN: That's a really long flight…
"Krillin.." Erza sighed.
"Stop being lazy!" Carla reprimanded.
GOHAN: Krillin...
KRILLIN: Plus, I think I sense some hostility…
"I wonder why?" Lucy said, sarcastically.
"Why would he be upset?" Natsu's genuine question caused Lucy to sigh for the upteenth time.
GOHAN: Krillin!
KRILLIN: Fine, fine! I'll go get him. Enjoy your company. (leaves the ship)
VEGETA: Try not to get yourself killed. God forbid you make me happy.
"Vegeta's never really allowed to be happy," Lisanna frowned.
"If he is happy, then pain will come to him immediately after," Gajeel said knowingly.
GOHAN: You know, you seem like you're in a bad mood. Maybe you should take a nap.
VEGETA: Maybe YOU should... Eh, actually, that sounds good.
"A good nap always helps me," Natsu smiled.
(shifts to Vegeta and Gohan outside Frieza's ship)
VEGETA: You keep guard out here. Make sure not to go too far; I like my meat shields within bullet-blocking distance.
"But, bullets can't hurt you," Wendy was perplexed.
"It's just a figure of speech," Carla explained to the blue dragon slayer.
GOHAN: I didn't think bullets could hurt you.
VEGETA: Shut up, I'm sleepy.
(shifts to Goku inside the healing tank)
GOKU: (thinking) Heh heh, ow...! Heh heh, ow...! Heh heh, ow...! Heh heh...
KING KAI: (telepathically) Goku! Goku, are you there?
GOKU: (thinking) Oh, hey, King Kai. I'm in a healing pod.
"Yes, you are," Happy said.
KING KAI: (from his planet) I noticed, I wasn't paying attention. (telepathically) What the hell?
GOKU: (thinking) Well, when I got down I ran into some really weird guys. One was really big and muscly; he went down real easy. Then these two guys double teamed me, one of them took it really hard in the back, but the other didn't seem that interested, so he went and brought this really horny guy!
"Oh my~" Canna smirked. The other girls in the audience blushed at Goku's "interpretation" of the Ginyu Force.
GEORGE TAKEI: (telepathically) Oh my...
GOKU: (thinking) Who's that, King Kai?
KING KAI: It's George Takei. Somehow he made this into a three-way…
"Oh my~" Canna's smirk grew.
"Canna please," Lucy begged.
GEORGE TAKEI: (telepathically) Oh my...!
KING KAI: CALL! THREE-WAY CALL!
(cuts back to Planet Namek with a splattering sound being heard off-screen)
NAIL: AAAAAAAAAUGH!
(camera shows an exhausted Nail and Frieza, with a pile of Nail's severed arms in the middle of the ground)
"He should just give up at this point," Evergreen blanched at the arms.
"Don't give up till you die!" Natsu responded to her words.
"Then you'll just die faster," Evergreen countered.
FRIEZA: How many arms do you think we're up to...? I think we're up to twenty-four.
NAIL: HRAAAAAAHHHHH! (fires a ki blast directly at Frieza)
FRIEZA: (shown completely unscathed) Tell me. (Nail gasps) Have you ever heard of the planet "Vegeta"?
"Yes," Levy answered.
NAIL: N-No?
FRIEZA: Funny. Because I expect to hear the same from the next person when I ask them about Namek. (punches Nail in the face, causing him to fall down in pain)
"Forgot how much of a sadistic bastard he is," Gray glared.
FRIEZA: Oh, was that your nose? That was your nose. I've had a worse time, you know. It's not often I dirty my own hands with this sort of grunt work. There's always a certain amount of satisfaction I get out of doing it myself.
"No way in hell have you experienced a worst time," Bickslow said.
"For a space dictator, this might as well be a bothersome chore," Freed spoke.
(Frieza begins laughing with Nail joining in, who's still covering his face)
"Has Nail lost it?" Romeo asked, slightly shocked.
FRIEZA: Ah... It is kind of funny, isn't it?
NAIL: Aha. I'm... I'm laughing at something else, actually.
FRIEZA: Eh, heh, heh, heh. What?
NAIL: The earthlings have the password.
"Good old Dende," Levy smirked, gleefully.
FRIEZA: ... What?
NAIL: Remember the little Namekian you passed on the way to Guru's? On his way to the humans with the password. By now, he's probably already there and they're about to summon the dragon. Haha!
"That is pretty funny," Gajeel starts to laugh. Natsu, Bickslow, and Canna join in the laughter.
(Frieza is seen grunting, barely concealing his rage)
NAIL: Yeah, if I had to guess your biggest mistake, it would be not stopping him. That, or the purple lipstick.
The laughter increased.
FRIEZA: I WILL F**KING MURDER YOU!
NAIL: Whatever.
"He doesn't care at this point," Macao smirked.
"Seems Frieza isn't as great as he thought," Mira wagged her finger.
(Frieza flies off towards his ship)
FRIEZA: (checks his scouter, which starts beeping) Why aren't the Ginyus showing up!? Oh, they're dead. WHY ARE THEY DEAD!?
"Two saiyans and a half, along with a bald monk," Levy answered.
(cuts to Dende flying in the sky)
KRILLIN: Stop right there, Namekian scum!
DENDE: AAAAAAAAAAH!
KRILLIN: Haha! You should see the look on your face! Oh, I'm just kidding, it's me, Krillin!
"Not reassuring in the slightest," Lucy sweatdropped.
DENDE: AAAAAAAAAH!
KRILLIN: Haha! You're killing me, Little Green! Now come on, we gotta go summon the dragon.
DENDE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
"Keep screaming and maybe someone will save you," Carla grunted.
(cuts to Gohan waiting in front of Frieza's ship, sitting on a Dragon Ball)
GOHAN: (thinking) You know, it's not so bad... I mean sure, I've seen more people die than most people my age, or really, most people in general. Then again, I don't really know anyone my own age. My best friends are a 26-year-old dwarf and a giant green alien who constantly hits me. Still, better than my dad; at least they're AROUND! Huh... Where did that come from?
"While all of that is true, the last one still isn't your dad's fault," Levy said.
"He's five, he needs someone to blame," Gajeel said.
KRILLIN: (off-screen) Hey, Gohan!
GOHAN: Huh? That sounds like Krillin. (flies up to Krillin and Dende) Wow, you made it in no time at all!
KRILLIN: Yeah... Little Green here was on his way back from Guru's. He said he can help us summon the dragon!
GOHAN: Great! I'll go get Vegeta and-
KRILLIN: No, no, no, see? That's the best part! We're not gonna TELL Vegeta!
"So you DO have a death wish?" Carla asked, looking dumbfounded.
"That is a terrible plan," Lily facepalmed.
GOHAN: That sounds like a very dangerous idea that could very easily backfire...
KRILLIN: Well, we can either take the wishes for ourselves or give them to Vegeta. And I'm not gonna lie, I don't think he's dedicated to Team Three Star at all.
"What gave you that idea?" Juvia's voice dripped with sarcasm.
GOHAN: You know, I've been meaning to tell you. That name... really doesn't sound very good.
Wendy frowned at these words.
KRILLIN: Well, why didn't you tell me sooner? I thought it was stupid from the beginning, but nobody said anything!
Her frown deepened even more.
GOHAN: Let's just go summon the dragon and go home.
KRILLIN: Yeah, fine. Whatever.
(shifts to Gohan spying on Vegeta, who is sleeping)
VEGETA: (talking in his sleep) First immortality... then the bitches…
"Immortality isn't that good," Lisanna disagreed.
"Yeah, just ask Garlic Jr.," Levy added.
(Gohan carefully climbs down the ship and nods at Krillin and Dende, with Krillin nodding back. The three then take all seven Dragon Balls and carefully fly away from Frieza's ship, all while "Minnie The Moocher" plays in the background.)
KRILLIN: We did it...! Again! For real this time, though! Now we just can have Little Green summon the dragon, and we'll finally have our wish!
GOHAN: (senses something heading their way) Hey, is that Frieza?
KRILLIN: No...
GOHAN: I think that's Frieza.
"Yeah, so hurry up!" Natsu rushed.
KRILLIN: No, it's not!
GOHAN: Yeah, that's definitely Frieza.
"Not very reassuring Gohan!" Lisanna's arms made an x.
KRILLIN: (to Dende extremely quickly) Summonitsummonitsummonitsummonitsummonit...! (continues saying "Summon it! faintly off-screen)
DENDE: (in Namekian/Klingon) Rise, grand Porunga, and grant our wish!
KRILLIN: Dammit, stop speaking gibberish and summon the-
(Porunga gets summoned out of the Dragon Balls)
Those who have seen Shenron were impressed by the sight of Porunga.
"HE LOOKS SO MUCH COOLER!" Natsu shouted.
KRILLIN: Holy crap. Your dragon's on steroids.
PORUNGA: (in Namekian/Klingon) I am Porunga, Dragon of Dreams, and I- (notices Krillin) … Why is there an Albino Namekian amongst you? I thought they were wiped out in the purge!
DENDE: (in Namekian/Klingon) Actually, they are earthlings.
PORUNGA: (in Namekian/Klingon) God, they're ugly.
DENDE: (in Namekian/Klingon) And annoying.
"Hey!" The humans took offense to that.
PORUNGA: (in Namekian/Klingon) Whatever. Let's get this over with. I will grant you any three wishes!
"Three!?" Levy wrote it down.
"He's definitely better than Shenron," Natsu grinned.
KRILLIN: All right! We can finally get our wish!
DENDE: The dragon says he'll give ya three.
KRILLIN: Wait a minute, we get three wishes? That's awesome! I want a three-foot-
"Shut up!" Lucy yelled.
KING KAI: (telepathically) Stop screwing around and wish these idiots off my planet!
KRILLIN: Holy, crap! I can hear a voice in my head!
"That's just King Kai, you'll get used to it," Gajeel waved his hand.
DENDE: Is it telling you my name is Dende?
KRILLIN: Hush, Little Green! The voice speaks to me.
(shifts to King Kai on his planet)
KING KAI: This is King Kai. (referring to Piccolo, Tien, Yamcha, and Chiaotzu) Wish these guys back to life before I kill myself.
"You're already in the afterlife. You wouldn't go anywhere," Carla looked annoyed at the mental capacity of the characters.
KRILLIN: Wait, can gods kill themselves?
KING KAI: I'M ABOUT TO TRY!
KRILLIN: All right, Little Green, use our first wish to bring our friends back to life!
DENDE: Porunga can only bring back one person at a time.
"Nevermind he's lame now," Natsu frowned.
"Then I guess we'll bring back everyone, but Yamcha," Romeo summed.
"Seems about right," Gajeel agreed.
KRILLIN: Oh... King Kai, he says it can only bring one person back at-
KING KAI: I heard him!
TIEN: Which means, one of us gets left behind.
PICCOLO: Just wish me back.
"I guess," Mira groaned.
KING KAI: I guess we should ask Yamcha what he thinks.
YAMCHA: (inhales)
PICCOLO/Gajeel: No one cares what Yamcha thinks!
PICCOLO: (telepathically) Listen, if you wish me back, then that wishes Kami back. Then you can use THOSE Dragon Balls to wish these morons back.
"Then we get more wishes!" Natsu's light bulb turned on.
"Now you're using your brain!" Gray 'complimented.'
"Yea-HEY WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!" Natsu roared.
KRILLIN: Which leaves us with two more wishes! Let's wish him to Namek!
GOHAN: Wait, what?
PICCOLO: Wait, what?
"Wait, what?" Mira did a double take.
KRILLIN: Little Green, wish our friend Piccolo back to life, and then with our next wish, bring him to Namek!
PICCOLO: Hold on a minute... (Porunga's eyes glowing) Don't do that! That is a terrible i... (gets transported to Planet Namek) ...dea! (off-screen) AUUUUUUUUUGH!
DENDE: He is on Namek.
"Where is he?" Happy couldn't see the Namekian.
GOHAN: Wait, where is he?
DENDE: On Namek.
PICCOLO/Mira: (to Krillin, off-screen) YOU DUMBASS!
KRILLIN: Why didn't it bring him here?
DENDE: You must be specific.
"Damn you monkey's paw," Levy sighed.
GOHAN: Oh, so it's a sort of monkey's paw. You have to be careful with the hubris in your wishes.
PICCOLO: (off-screen) NERRRRRRD!
(shifts to Vegeta sleeping next to Goku inside the healing tank. Vegeta suddenly wakes up and gets up on his feet)
VEGETA: I have to pee! (starts running but stops and looks out a window) Jesus, I overslept. It's already night... For the first time since I got here... on a planet with three suns…
"I can hear the gears turning in his head," Levy and the audience waited for the explosion.
(animation of an alarm clock appears in Vegeta's head, ringing when the big hand teaches twelve)
VEGETA: (realizes that the others have summoned Porunga without him) Oh, you MOTHERFU...
(shifts back to Gohan and Krillin)
VEGETA: (off-screen) ...UCKERS!
"And there's the scream," Levy laughed, nervously.
PICCOLO: (off-screen) OW, MY EARS!
GOHAN: So, what do we do with the third wish?
"Instantly heal Goku?" Erza suggests.
"No, that requires them to be competent," Levy dismissed the idea instantly.
KRILLIN: Well, if nobody else has any ideas, I want my three-foot-
"He really wants that sandwich," Gray noticed.
"I can go for a sandwich," Natsu rubbed his stomach.
VEGETA: (shows up, visibly furious) Hey! What's up, guys?!
KRILLIN: I'm never gonna get my hoagie.
VEGETA: So what are you doin'?!
GOHAN: What am I doin'?!
VEGETA: What are you doin'?!
GOHAN: Nothin' much!
VEGETA: Thwartin' my plans?!
GOHAN: Thwartin' your plans?!
VEGETA: ARE YOU?!
GOHAN: (bluntly) ...Yes.
'Wrong answer," Lisanna winced.
"Any answer, would make him kill them," Mira replied.
VEGETA: ...I'm gonna f**king kill you! (walks up and grabs Dende by the scarf) But first... you are going to give me my wish for immortality, or I will snap his neck!
"Way too quick to murder a child," Lucy glared.
KRILLIN: Wait! He's the only one who can ask the dragon to grant wishes!
VEGETA: Then I've got nothing to lose!
"Because either way he wins in some regard," Levy explained
DENDE: Whatever.
VEGETA: Good answer! (throws Dende to the ground, who grunts) Now get to wishing.
(shifts to Guru inside his house)
GURU: (thinking) I feel that they have finally summoned the dragon... Would be a real dick move do die right now... Huuurr!
"He wouldn't…." Makarov stared in disbelief.
(shifts back to the group and Porunga)
DENDE: (in Namekian/Klingon about to make a wish for Vegeta to become immortal) Grant him immor-
(Porunga suddenly disintegrates and all the Dragon Balls turn to stone)
"HE DID!" Everyone's jaws dropped.
"At least Vegeta didn't get immortality," Lisanna tried to find the bright side.
VEGETA: Is... I-Is that normal?
DENDE: No... It's dead. And that means Guru is too.
KRILLIN: I'm so sorry for your loss.
"Someone has to be," Lucy said with an irritated expression.
DENDE: Someone has to be.
VEGETA: That doesn't matter! Don't you understand?! If it didn't grant me my wish, then I'm not immortal! And Frieza's going to... g-going to... (starts stammering in fear)
(Krillin looks up and starts whimpering in fear. Frieza has finally arrived at the scene)
FRIEZA: Ohohoho, no, don't mind me. By all means... give me some ideas.
"Ah crapbaskets…" Everyone's worry increased 10 fold.
[ENDING SEQUENCE]
[STINGER]
(cuts to Mr. Popo humming and watering plants on Kami's Lookout)
KAMI: (gets poofed back on the Lookout) Fan-freaking-tastic, we're back here again...
MR. POPO: Oh, you're back. Hi, Kami.
KAMI: Mr. Popo, what are you watering?
MR. POPO: Pot.
KAMI: Pots of what?
MR. POPO: Pot... I'm not getting rid of it.
KAMI: Are you kidding? That s**t's great for my glaucoma.
"At least someone has found the good of this situation," Makarov sighed.
Chapter End