NOTE: So, I was thinking about it and I'm not gonna write a whole separate story of them reacting to original DB to Z, because I would never finish it. And most people have characters reacting to the Abridged, because it's just easier and more fun to do. I will however have a side story of them watching the opening and endings to Dragon Ball/Z/Super/GT. I'm aware they won't have much context for anything post Cell, but hey it'll be fun.
So, I hope you guys enjoy the chapter.
Chapter 34: Nail Is Piccolo, and So Can You!
(cuts to Piccolo on Planet Namek)
PICCOLO: Urgh, what was that idiot DOING bringing me here!
"Extra help?" Gray suggested.
PICCOLO: It's... Wait a minute, I can feel it... This is my home! I can finally see its beauty! The lush blue fields, the crystal clear waters, the wind brushing past my... GOD, THIS IS BORING!
"So, it's exactly like you?" Mira guessed, rudely.
"Don't be rude," Lisanna pouted at her sister.
PICCOLO: (groans) No wonder I feel at home.
Mira smirked and Lisanna facepalmed.
[OPENING SEQUENCE]
(cuts to Frieza confronting Vegeta, Gohan, Krillin, and Dende)
FRIEZA: Well, Vegeta. You've finally pulled it off. You've managed to dash my hopes entirely. With some help, I see.
KRILLIN: Quack!
"Your defense mechanism will not help here," Levy shook her head.
GOHAN: Krillin, seriously, not helping!
"When has he?" Gajeel asked.
KRILLIN: I can try.
FRIEZA: I'm very curious. Where exactly are you from?
KRILLIN: We're from Ear-
GOHAN: Krillin, no!
"Oh that god for Gohan's existence," Lucy released a breath of relief.
KRILLIN: Oh right... Thanks for stopping me, Gohan. 'Cause I can't shut-
DENDE: They're from Earth.
"WHAT THE HELL!?"
KRILLIN: Little Green, why?!
DENDE: Because my name is Dende.
"That little green shit," Laxus glared.
FRIEZA: Oh good. I'll stop by there on the way home. Pick up some space eggs, some space milk.
"Again with the space stuff," Romeo noticed.
FRIEZA: And BLOW IT THE F**K UP! Oh, I'm sorry. I'm usually far more composed. I'm just a little bit ABSOLUTELY LIVID.
"He's walking talking red flag," Carla paled.
"Not somebody you'd want to purposely anger," Lucy shivered.
VEGETA: Oh, Frieza. Quit being such a woman. I lost my chance at immortality too and you don't see me crying about it.
"You went crazy over the fact that you got tricked by a 5-year old. Don't go acting high and mighty," Gajeel rolled his eyes.
FRIEZA: Yes, Vegeta. But you see, the difference between us is I'll live long enough to regret it. (charges at Vegeta and engages him in battle) HYAAAAAAAAH!
(cuts to Piccolo flying through the sky)
PICCOLO: (in his thoughts and sighing) Everything looks the goddamn same on this goddamn planet! (sees something) Wait a minute, a body! (out loud) SOCIAL ACTIVITY! (Piccolo flies down and lands next to a body, which is Nail's) Please tell me you're not dead!
"He found Nail!" Wendy smiled.
"Somebody else he can bore to death," Mira said.
NAIL: (speaks in Namekian/Klingon)
PICCOLO: Ah, crap. I find the only living thing for miles- and he's so broken he can't even talk right.
"You don't know your own language?" Freed raised an eyebrow.
"Well, Piccolo was raised on Earth," Levy told him.
NAIL: I was speaking Namekian, you idiot. Don't you know anything about your own people?
PICCOLO: Well, we're demons, right?
NAIL: Eh, more like slug people.
"Lame," Natsu booed.
PICCOLO: Ah, dammit! I liked it better when I was a demon.
"Yeah, you were way cooler," Natsu agreed.
NAIL: And I liked it better when I had proper bladder control. Nobody's perfect.
"You guys can use the bathroom?" Gray was confused.
"Don't make me think about it," Lucy blanched.
PICCOLO: Yeah, I've been meaning to ask about that. What happened?
NAIL: Let's just say our world elder's kind of a giant green asshole.
"He WAS a giant green asshole," Gajeel corrected.
PICCOLO: Preachin' to the choir on that one. Well, it's been fun, but I have to go DIE again... (turns to leave)
"I'm happy to see the low faith you have," Mira said, sarcastically.
"At least he's realistic," Laxus pointed out.
NAIL: Wait. I might be able to help you.
PICCOLO: Look, buddy. If you want to add me on MySpace, I switched to Spacebook a while ago. (turns to leave again)
"Poor Tom," Lisanna lowered her head.
NAIL: No, no, no, no. Listen. I think I know something that might work out for both of us. I don't wanna die and you seem pretty lonely.
"Both of you seem pretty lonely," Erza observed.
PICCOLO: (loudly) DESPERA- (normal tone) I mean, go on.
NAIL: There's a special ability our people share. Forbidden, even amongst our most sacred clans.
PICCOLO: And we're just going to abuse it?
"Hell yeah!" Bickslow shouted.
NAIL: Oh, maliciously!
PICCOLO: Bitchin'! How we do?
NAIL: Well, first you put your hand upon me.
PICCOLO: 'Kay. (places his hand on Nail's elbow)
NAIL: Yes. Like that. Now lower.
PICCOLO: Uh-huh.
NAIL: Lower.
PICCOLO: Hmm...
NAIL: Little lower.
"I see where this is going," Levy rolled her eyes.
PICCOLO: Hmm...
NAIL: Ah! If we had junk, you'd be gay right now.
"Was it really the time for it?" Carla groaned.
"Yes it was!" Mira laughed.
NAIL: (Piccolo groans) Fusing!
(Piccolo fuses with Nail)
PICCOLO: Wow. Unreal. My gosh. This is amazing! I feel INCREDIBLE! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! I can win! I feel great! I-can-do-this! HAAA…
Everyone started laughing at Piccolo's moment. With Mira laughing the hardest.
NAIL: (heard inside Piccolo's head) (What are you doing?)
PICCOLO: (stammers quickly) Nothing.
"Wait...NAIL WAS THE VOICE IN HIS HEAD!?" All of those who were present for the Lord Slug movie realized.
"What are you talking about?" Those who weren't there were confused.
"In one of the movies, Piccolo had a voice in his head and turns out it was Nail, but that doesn't make sense since it takes place before Namek," Levy was running her hands through her hair.
"Don't think about it too much," Gajeel rubbed her back. Making the petite word mage to sigh.
NAIL: (Really? 'Cause it looked like you were chanting to yourself.)
PICCOLO: Are you in my head?
NAIL: (Yup. Don't worry; supposedly I should fade away into your subconscious. Sooner or later.)
"I doubt it," Romeo smiled.
"He's gonna be there forever," Wendy giggled.
PICCOLO: Okay. So, what now?
NAIL: (By my estimate, this fusion should have given you just enough power to wipe out the bastard who killed our people.)
PICCOLO: And?
NAIL: (Well, let me put this in terms you'll understand: You can win! You feel great! You-can-do-this!)
"And suddenly Nail became my favorite character," Mira giggled.
PICCOLO: Oh, ha-ha!
(cuts to Vegeta and Frieza in a brawler lock)
FRIEZA: Impudent... little... (scouter shows "F**K THIS I'M OUT" before exploding) Guh!
(Vegeta and Frieza both back off, producing a small crater due to their power)
"Vegeta's actually equal to him!" Gray was shocked.
"I feel like that's not gonna last long," Carla said.
"Oh, it won't," Levy answered.
FRIEZA: I'm impressed, Vegeta. When did you graduate from pull-ups?
VEGETA: About the same time you got off the rag.
"And their dialogue is already mixing well," Macao laughed.
FRIEZA: Cute. But bear no false hopes, Vegeta. You're a mere paper tiger in front of a storm. You have no idea what true power I possess.
VEGETA: It's that you can transform, right?
"Of course he can," Carla facepalmed.
"Would be more disappointing if he couldn't," Juvia said.
FRIEZA: I can transform... Okay, when and how?
VEGETA: Guldo told me.
(flashback of a conversation between Vegeta and Guldo)
GULDO: So... Did you know that Frieza can transform?
"Why say that so casually?" Evergreen asked.
VEGETA: Huh. That right?
GULDO: Yeah. And Burter's gay.
"I'm actually not surprised," Gajeel said.
"None of us are," Levy leaned into his side.
VEGETA: (genuinely surprised) Really!?
(back to present)
VEGETA: And then I threw a dog treat at him. True story.
"I only believe it, because of the dog treat," Natsu said.
FRIEZA: Right. But if you are so aware, why do you persist in goading me?
"Because he's an arrogant fool," Erza groaned.
VEGETA: Because Frieza. You're not dealing with the average Saiyan warrior anymore. I am a Super Saiyan!
"But, what exactly does a super saiyan entail?" Freed asked.
FRIEZA: Oh, here we go!
VEGETA: That's right, Frieza. I've arisen beyond the limits of a normal Saiyan, and into the realm of legend- the legend that you fear. The legend known throughout the entire universe as the most powerful warrior to ever exist! (Frieza starts speaking faintly at this point) I, Prince Vegeta, have become a... (voice completely trails off)
"How hard can you stroke your own damn ego?" Laxus was annoyed at Vegeta's antics.
FRIEZA: ...Super Saiyan. Blah, blah, blah, blah, I get it. Then you slayed the Jabberwocky and went on to save Narnia.
"He's heard it before," Makarov wasn't shocked.
"I wonder what he hasn't heard before?" Wendy asked herself.
VEGETA: Go ahead and mock me, Frieza, but I'm not afraid of you. So why don't you doll yourself up and get ready for a night on the town, because I'm about to take you to a ballroom blitz.
"Did he just quote a song?" Bickslow asked.
"They've been quoting songs the entire time," Lucy answered.
FRIEZA: Fine. I'll indulge you, Mr. Super Saiyan. But before I do I have a funny little story I'd like to tell you.
VEGETA: Funny how?
FRIEZA: I like to call it, "I killed your dad".
"So low brow funny," Gajeel said rather than asked.
VEGETA: So "ha-ha" funny.
FRIEZA: You see, thanks to a rogue lower-class warrior, your father caught wind of my plans...
(flashback to planet Vegeta)
BUTAREGA: King Vegeta, I have urgent news!
KING VEGETA: Speak, Butarega.
BUTAREGA: Bardock has gone absolutely mad, sire!
BARDOCK: (off-screen) Friezaaaaaa!
"Isn't that Goku's dad?" Wendy asked.
"I wonder why he went crazy?" Lisanna asked.
KING VEGETA: What's all the commotion about?
BUTAREGA: He's been telling everyone that Frieza plans to destroy Vegeta!
"How would he know that?" Levy asked.
"And why aren't you listening to him?" Erza looked perplexed.
KING VEGETA: Wait, my son, the planet, or me?
BUTAREGA: ...Yes.
(King Vegeta blasts Butarega away)
"He wasn't wrong though," Lily said.
KING VEGETA: Freakin' smartass. (shows Nappa wearing Jafar's headdress) Counselor Nappa, what do you think?
"I'm sorry, he's a what?" Lucy did a double take.
NAPPA: Let me tell you what you need to do. You need to sit him down...
KING VEGETA: Uh-huh.
NAPPA: ...you look him dead in the eye...
KING VEGETA: Yes.
NAPPA: ...and you say, "Don't blow up my planet."
"That will work," Natsu agreed.
"No it won't," Lucy gripped his ear.
KING VEGETA: And you think that will work?
NAPPA: He'd have to be aaaaaaawfully evil if it didn't. And I'm not gonna lie, I like the cut of his jib.
"Nappa was wrong," Makarov frowned.
"Frieza is pretty damn evil," Wakaba said.
KING VEGETA: All right, but I want you to take my son, the Prince, off-planet just in case things go south.
NAPPA: Don't worry, sir. You'll do juuuuuust fine.
(shifts to King Vegeta approaching Frieza, Zarbon, and Dodoria)
KING VEGETA: Frieza, can I sit down and have a word with-
FRIEZA: SHORYUKEN! (uppercuts King Vegeta in the jaw, causing the latter to fall back while producing with an echoing scream)
"That went as well as I expected," Freed said.
"I didn't think he'd get a word in," Levy was shocked a bit.
STREET FIGHTER ANNOUNCER: K.O.! YOU WIN!
FRIEZA: Yatta.
(back to present)
FRIEZA: And then I blew the planet up. The end.
VEGETA: How did you know about the parts you weren't there for?
"Plot convenience," Levy offered with a shrug of her shoulders.
(Frieza gives a blank stare at Vegeta and then proceeds to transform)
GOHAN: Krillin, do you feel that?
KRILLIN: I taste that!
"I think we can taste it too," Lucy said, fearfully.
(Frieza finishes transforming into his second form)
"Holy shit, he went through puberty," Macao jumped back.
FRIEZA: All done. And judging by the expression on your face, so are you.
VEGETA: What...? How?
FRIEZA: Let's be practical and put a number to that feeling, shall we? Last time I clocked this form it was at... one million.
The temperature in the room dropped.
VEGETA: You're lying!
"I wish he was," Erza said.
FRIEZA: Am I? Am I really?
(Frieza raises his hand and explodes the island that everyone is currently standing on, making an explosion so big that it can be seen from the planet. Frieza is shown standing on what's left of the island.)
"Holy shit they're fucked," Gajeel cursed.
VEGETA: (off-screen) Not impressed! I can do that, too!
"Then why didn't you?" Lucy asked.
GOHAN: Krillin, are you okay?
KRILLIN: Yeah, and I've got Little Green right here!
"And thankfully they're still alive," Lisanna was relieved.
FRIEZA: (sings to "My Favorite Things")
Peaceful young races with fires on their houses
Millions of voices all silenced like mouses
Watching the cowards bow toward their new king
These are a few of my favorite things
"That's not terrifying at all," Wendy was shivering.
KRILLIN: Is it just me, or is he singing to himself?
(Frieza charges at Krillin and impales him with one of his horns, causing Krillin to drop Dende)
(Krillin Owned Count: 15)
KRILLIN: Gah!
"KRILLIN!" Everyone was shocked at the sudden attack.
GOHAN: Krillin!
VEGETA: (thinking) Well, he's dead.
KRILLIN: This is... the worst... pai-i-i-in!
FRIEZA: Really? Sure it isn't this? (looks up and starts shifting his head up and down) Or this? Or this? Or this? Or this? (Krillin Owned Count: 16-21, with two 1Ups coming up in the last two ones)
"Sadistic bastard," Makarov growled.
GOHAN: Krillin, stop! You're making him stronger!
KRILLIN: (while getting tortured by Frieza) I-can't-help-it!
"He really can't help it!" Happy said, panicked.
(Krillin Owned Count: 22-25)
FRIEZA: One down! (throws Krillin off his horn and towards the lake) Ah, I think impalement is my favorite way to kill a person.
Gray growled remembering Juvia impaling herself.(Alvarez Arc)
GOHAN: You condescending... sadistic... callous... MOTHERF**KER!
The guild's attention is brought back at Gohan's loud cursing.
FRIEZA: Pardon?
(Gohan attacks Frieza by kicking and punching him in the face before knocking him upward with an uppercut and finally kicks him towards the ground. Gohan then starts charging up an energy blast.)
"GO GOHAN!" The guild chants.
GOHAN: (thinking) GOHAN SMASH EFFEMINATE ALIEN! GOHAN STRONGEST THERE IS!
(Gohan launches a ki blast directly at Frieza, causing a massive explosion. Gohan is then seen in midair catching his breath. Frieza is seen lying face down on the ground, covered in sand from Gohan's assault.)
"That had to do something!" Natsu shouted.
"I feel like we're getting too optimistic again," Levy brought up.
VEGETA: Yeah, how's that feel, Frieza? Now if you can, why don't you pick your sorry ass up and take on a REAL (Frieza is seen getting up) Saiyan... (voice trails off)
"Ah..crapbaskets," The mages gulped.
FRIEZA: Huh. That happened. Vegeta, mind sitting right there for just a moment, I need to go play babysitter.
"This won't end well," Mira looked concerned.
GOHAN: (thinking) Think! What would Dad do in this situation?
(flashback of Goku wearing a backpack)
GOKU: Bye, son!
(back to present)
"Very helpful," Gajeel said, sarcastically
GOHAN: I'm beginning to think I have issues... (gets punched by Frieza) AAAH! (hits the ground and tries to get up, but gets crushed by Frieza's foot) AAAH! GAH!
"HELP HIM!" Mira shouted.
FRIEZA: So, Vegeta. Does this get you angry?
VEGETA: Not really. Kind of a smartass.
"Doesn't excuse the death of a 5-year old," Laxus growled.
FRIEZA: Well then, why am I even bothering?
VEGETA: Because you get off on it?
FRIEZA: Oh, unbelievably... Huh? (tail gets cut off by a Kienzan) Alright, who has the balls?!
"Krillin!" Natsu and Mira cheered.
(Camera zooms on Krillin, who is the one responsible for cutting off Frieza's tail. Krillin then turns around and starts repeatedly spanking his butt.)
KRILLIN: Kiss my ass, bitch! I'm immortal!
"Who told him that?" Levy asked.
(Frieza growls angrily and flies after Krillin)
KRILLIN: (imitates Curly's whooping sounds while flying away) Suuuck myy diiii...
(shifts to Vegeta)
VEGETA: (thinking) How the hell did he get up? Oh, my God, I swear if he used that wish of immortality on himself, I am going to murd... (stops himself and opens his mouth in shock. Speaks out loud after a short pause.) That... bastard.
"He didn't, but it wouldn't stop Vegeta anyway," Gray said.
(shifts to Dende healing Gohan)
DENDE: Come on... You can't leave me alone here; you're the only one I can talk to!
GOHAN: (regaining consciousness) I... you... healed me.
DENDE: You are the only one I respect.
"He's the only one who has treated him nicely," Mira smiled.
GOHAN: Then why did you heal Krillin?
DENDE: The better question is: why did I tell him he was immortal?
"Why do people keep trying to kill Krillin!?" Lisanna huffed.
(Krillin flies back to the battlefield)
KRILLIN: Holy crap! Thank God I'm immortal!
DENDE: (off-screen) Actually, I healed you, you idiot!
KRILLIN: Wait, so I could have died back there?
VEGETA: Yeah, and unlike the runt and I, you don't get a power boost from it.
"Still calling bullshit," Bickslow brings up.
KRILLIN: Hax! I call hax!
GOHAN: How did you escape?
KRILLIN: Oh, it was awesome! (flashback of Frieza chasing Krillin) See, he was gaining on me there for a minute, but then I managed to lose him in some crevices, but he kept cutting me off at every pass.
(back to present)
VEGETA: He didn't just blow it up?
"Kinda weird," Bickslow agreed.
KRILLIN: I thought the same thing, but no! (flashback of Krillin using the Solar Flare on Frieza, showing Dodoria in lingerie for a brief moment) So I thought fast and I used the Solar Flare on him!
Everyone blanched at the image.
(back to present)
GOHAN: And then you used your Kienzan to cut him in half?
"You know he didn't," Levy sighed.
KRILLIN: Um...
FRIEZA: (flies back to the battlefield, angrily) I WILL MOUNT YOUR HEAD WHERE MY TAIL USED TO BE!
KRILLIN: To answer your question, Gohan. No, I did not do that.
VEGETA: Douse this bitch!
(Vegeta, Gohan, and Krillin fire a barrage of energy blasts at Frieza, covering him in smoke)
KRILLIN: Did we get him?
"You can sense energy," Laxus facepalmed.
GOHAN: Krillin, we can feel his energy. Why do you bother asking?
KRILLIN: I'm an optimist.
VEGETA: You're an idiot.
"He's both," Gray answered.
"Stop being optimistic!" Levy yelled.
FRIEZA: (unfazed by the blasts) You're both wrong. You're dead.
GOHAN: You know what? I'm sick of this. If I'm gonna die, then I'm gonna go out the same way Piccolo would! (moves in to attack Frieza head-on)
"NO!" The mages shouted in protest.
KRILLIN: Gohan, no! (flies after Gohan)
VEGETA: No, goddamn it! (also flies after Gohan)
(A new figure surrounded by light appears in front of the trio. The light clears, and the figure is revealed to be Piccolo, arriving at the battlefield, as "Battle with Magus" from Chrono Trigger Resurrection plays in the background)
"PICCOLO!" The guild cheered.
"I'm not complaining," Mira says after seeing Lisanna's look.
GOHAN: M... Mr. Piccolo!
FRIEZA: Well, well, well! I'm legitimately surprised I missed one of you. But that's just fine because I've been working on some jokes. Now tell me if you've heard this one: How many Namekians does it take to- (gets sent flying by a punch from Piccolo) DOAH!
PICCOLO: Just one.
"Badass," Natsu's and Wendy's eyes shined in respect.
"At least Piccolo answered it," Happy smiled.
[ENDING SEQUENCE]
[STINGER]
(Super Mario Bros. theme song plays in the background as Frieza is seen under a ? Block from the Mario series and headbutts it, revealing a Super Mushroom. Frieza touches the mushroom and "powers up" into his second form.)
"Weird reference," Levy said.
Chapter End